Man who claims to not be a morning person somehow survives 32 consecutive years of mornings

Sleep-Deprived Hero or Master of Morning Mythology? The World May Never Know

By This Article Is Stupid And I Love It, SNN

Santa Claus, Indiana - December 19, 2023

In a feat that has left friends, family, and sleep experts baffled, local resident Joe Dozer has successfully navigated 32 consecutive years of mornings despite adamantly declaring, "I'm not a morning person." The unassuming hero's endurance in the face of daily sunrises has sparked speculation about his secret to survival and earned him the unofficial title of "Sleep-Deprived Champion."

Friends and colleagues attest that Dozer has consistently claimed to be allergic to mornings and has maintained a steadfast commitment to nocturnal living. "I've never seen him willingly awake before 9 AM," says longtime friend Emily Reed. "It's like he's living in a different time zone, perpetually stuck in 'night owl' mode."

Dozer's mornings, or lack thereof, have become legendary among those who know him. Coworkers describe witnessing him stumble into the office, eyes half-closed, yet miraculously functional, armed with a perpetual cup of coffee. "We've started to think he might be a vampire or a secret agent working on a different time zone," jokes his colleague, Mike Thompson.

Experts in sleep science are equally intrigued. Dr. Sarah Richards, a sleep psychologist, commented, "It's incredibly rare to find someone who consistently claims to despise mornings yet manages to function so effectively during the early hours. Mr. Dozer might be a living paradox in the world of sleep studies."

When approached for comment, Dozer simply shrugged off the mystery surrounding his morning aversion. "I don't know what all the fuss is about. Mornings just aren't my thing," he said with a sly smile.

Some speculate that Dozer may be the key to unlocking the secrets of perpetual night owls and could hold the cure for the ubiquitous condition known as "morning grumpiness." The scientific community, however, remains skeptical, with many researchers expressing the need for further investigation into Dozer's peculiar case.

As the world marvels at Joe Dozer's ability to defy the norms of circadian rhythms, one thing is certain: he has become a symbol of hope for night owls everywhere, proving that surviving mornings might be less about biology and more about sheer determination. Dozer, the self-proclaimed non-morning person, continues to navigate the dawn of each new day with a nonchalant attitude that leaves everyone wondering: is he a sleep-deprived hero or a master of morning mythology? Only time will tell.

This one is actually pretty good.