Summary: For Smash Thanksgiving 2K24, Master Hand teaches Smash Bros the importance of gratitude.
Original publish date: December 12, 2024
--
"Hey Masta Hand."
Master Hand ignored him.
"Hey Masta Hand."
Master Hand ignored him.
"Masta?"
"Stop calling me 'Masta' and I'll listen to you," said Master Hand.
"Why?"
"Because 'Masta' sounds like a slaveowner name. It... it makes me feel weird."
"Fiine. Master-a Hand?" said Crazy Hand, chucking.
"Close enough." Master Hand turned to the source of the voice, his double, Crazy Hand.
"I got a turkey," said Crazy, lifting up a turkey in his hands. Uh, hand. Uh, finger.
"A turkey? Why?"
"It's Thanksgiving."
"...Today? Damn it. Thanks." Master Hand pointed his fingers in a gun, and shot the turkey. It caught on fire and started to smoke.
"What you do?" said Crazy Hand.
"I sped up the cooking process," said Master Hand, holding his fingers up like a gunslinger blowing smoke from a revolver. "We got no time to cook."
"...why didn't you let me do it..."
Someone started knocking on the door. "Master Hand?"
"Come in," he said.
The door opened to reveal Isabelle. Miss Isabelle, friendly neighborhood cleaner of the Smash Castle. She saw the burning turkey and went wide-eyed.
"OH-Oh, oh no. No, no no. W-Where's the water? W-Where's the freakin' water?" She covered her mouth. "E-Excuse my language."
"Seriously?" said Crazy Hand, trying, and failing to raise his non-existent eyebrow.
"No water needed. The turkey is cooking as planned." Master Hand floated over to Isabelle.
Isabelle stared at the turkey. "Really?"
"Yeah. You know, this is how cavemen did it."
Master Hand stood still for too long. Isabelle raised an eyebrow. "What are you-" she started.
"I...I tried to shrug. I can't." Master Hand drooped for a few seconds, but recovered fast. "Anyways. You're gonna watch over this thing until it looks cooked."
Isabelle sighed. "Okay sir."
"Good puppygirl," said Master Hand, patting her head. He flew towards the door. "Me and Crazy are gonna look for... anything else we can pass off as food."
"M'kay," muttered Isabelle.
"We are?" said Crazy.
"Yeah," said Master Hand. He opened the door and motioned Crazy to follow him. "Do you wanna sit still and watch a turkey burn?"
"...I guess not," muttered Crazy. He flew out the door.
"I knew you wouldn't." Master Hand turned to Isabelle. "Make sure at least some of it burns," he said. "I like my meat well done."
Before Isabelle could ask more questions, Masta Hand was gone.
The hands turned the corner into the Mansion's kitchen, only to find the pantry looking kinda empty, shelves barren and all.
"Well, this did not live up to expectations," Master Hand muttered, floating over to a shelf. "Food's been scarce around here ever since everything... changed. But, I figured maybe Thanksgiving would work a miracle." He sighed. "Guess not."
Crazy Hand peeked inside one of the cabinets. "Hey, wait, I found something." He pulled out a dusty box. "It's oatmeal."
Master Hand floated over, glancing at the box. "Oatmeal, huh?"
"Yeah." Crazy Hand tossed the box in the air, catching it again like a child playing with a toy.
"Give me that." Master Hand pried the box out of Crazy's Hands despite the latter's protest and looked at it more. "Perfect. You know, nobody's too good for some prime oatmeal. This will be our gravy."
"Prime oatmeal? This stuff's been sitting here for... I don't even know how long. Is it even edible?"
Master Hand waved his hand (body). "Nonsense. Oatmeal doesn't go bad. It's a miracle food. It's wholesome, nutritious, and can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, or dinner."
"But... it tastes icky..."
"You have shit taste then," said Master Hand. "People in this mansion eat all sorts of... just complete crap. Half the zoomers here just Doordash every single meal. And you're complaining about serving them stale oatmeal? At least they'll get something with nutritional value this time."
"...Fine..."
A few hours later, the turkey was done... kinda, it was all burnt and gross looking. Isabelle blew some of the smoke away and looked at the singed result in front of her, wincing.
"I feel like this might be a health code violation..." she shrugged and picked up the turkey. It slipped.
"Whoops." It fell on the floor. She put a hand to her chin. Should I throw it away?
"No, I don't think he'll tell the difference." Isabelle picked up the turkey again and walked out the door with it, more careful this time. "Alright little boy, go and ruin Thanksgiving," she whispered to the turkey as if it'd respond.
Downstairs in the dining room, Master Hand took his bowl of oatmeal and plopped it on the table, which was covered in a curtain far too fancy for such a occasion.
"Perfection."
He heard footsteps and turned to see Isabelle, walking down with the turkey. She put it on the table. "Here you go, sir..." she whispered... then her eyes caught the bowl of oatmeal on the table, slopping and gargling something nasty.
Her stomach churned. "Sir, is that cement? Is someone doing construction work on the table?"
"Very funny," said Master Hand. "This is the gravy... oatmeal."
Isabelle's eye shot up. "Oatmeal? For Thanksgiving?"
"Yeah," said Master Hand, taking a scoop and swallowing it. "Mmm mmm mmm." He poured some of it in a bowl and offered it to Isabelle. "Help yourself."
"...Thanks, but I want to save my... uh, save my appetite. Yeah. That's definitely it... no-no other reason."
Master Hand rose out of his seat. "Give me a second." He reached in his hammerspace and pulled out a mic. He turned it on.
"ATTENTION ALL SMASHERS! REPORT TO THE DINING ROOM FOR A THANKSGIVING FEAST FROM YOUR MASTER. OR YOU'RE GROUNDED."
Grumbling was heard throughout the mansion, but the fighters started coming down, taking their seats, etc.
"...What the hell?" asked Mario. "What the hell is this? "Where's the stuffing? The mashed potatoes?"
"The cranberry sauce?" added King Dedede. The…" his head darted back and forth, looking for food that was never to be. "The, whatcha say, whatcha say, food?" Dedede put his hand on the table. "This is not a proper country."
Master Hand floated to the head of the table, fingers curled in what he thought was a wise, fatherly pose. "Now, now, everyone. Before you start complaining, let me ask you this: what is Thanksgiving really about?"
"Food," said Dedede, Mario and half the other Smashers.
Master Hand sighed. "Wrong. It's about gratitude. And that," he said, gesturing toward the table, "is what this meal is all about. A lesson in gratitude."
Wolf scoffed. "You mean it's an excuse because you didn't cook anything." Mario nodded.
Master Hand sighed, floating closer. "You want to know something? Back in the old days—before all of you got spoiled by smartphones and Doordash—people made do with what they had. They didn't complain when the turkey was burnt or when there wasn't a green bean casserole, because being able to be together like this in good health and spirits - it in itself is a blessing."
"Look, I don't mind the burnt turkey, said Lucina a few seats over. "I don't even like turkey," she whispered under her breath to be polite. "But calling oatmeal a Thanksgiving dinner is a bit much."
"You know, I could have cooked some things if you wanted..." said Pyra.
"And why would you say that as if this isn't already good enough?" asked Master Hand. "Oatmeal is the greatest food of all time. Wholesome. Nutritious. Versatile. It doesn't spoil, it fills you up, and it builds character."
"Builds character?" said Mythra. "Me fucking your dad builds character." Next to her, Jigglypuff snickered.
"...I hate you ungrateful zoomers so much," grumbled Master Hand.
About then, Link came downstairs and sat at the table. His eyes perked up when he saw the oatmeal and he poured up a bowl and dug in without a word. Dark Samus followed his lead, also silent as she put a mountain of oatmeal on her plate.
"See?" said Master Hand, gesturing grandly to the two. "That's the spirit! That's what this holiday is about! You people get it!"
Link didn't respond, still eating. Dark Samus scooped up some oatmeal with her spoon but it splashed against her helmet because she didn't take it off. She then turned to Samus, sitting next to her. She leaned a little too close in Samus's face. Samus winced and moved back; Dark Samus moved closer.
"If these two can eat my food without bitching, the rest of you are more than capable of it too," said Master Hand, turning to the rest.
"Sure, sure. Give me a second," said Mario. He stood up and ripped off his overalls like Superman to reveal his doctor outfit underneath. "Okay, I'm ready to eat," said Mario-well now, it's Dr. Mario. Whoops.
Meanwhile in the far left corner of the room, there was a smaller table that didn't have nearly enough room for the 20 or so characters at it; the dreaded "kids table" where Master Hand carelessly dumped everyone under the age of 18.
"So anyways bruh," said Roy. "Me and Sonic killed the dragon and harvested her for meat, shit was bussin'."
"Wow, really?" said Pit.
"Yeah dude, we fleeced that bih," said Sonic.
"See? Sonic got my back," said Roy, smirking.
"Is that a fact?" muttered Dark Pit.
"Yeah, bruh, no printer," said Roy, doing a douchey looking shrug.
"Then what was her name?" said Dark Pit, glaring in his face.
"Uh..." Roy squinted at the name on the (fake) script on his phone. "...Idunn."
"You made that up," said Dark Pit.
"Why you gotta hate, dude," asked Sonic.
"'Cause he's a scrub," said Roy.
Little Mac, sitting at the edge of the table, sighed and stabbed his fork into a piece of burnt turkey. "One more year and I'm at the adult table," he muttered. "One. More. Year." Next to him, Yoshi was cleaning up his plate and making way too much noise.
Meanwhile, Inkling took a sip of her oatmeal and died because oatmeal is kinda watery. Pikachu, sitting next to her and seeing her tragic death, pushed his oatmeal away. "You can have it, Pichu," he said.
Pichu glared at him, then she flipped over his oatmeal.
Dark Pit smirked. "If you're really 'bout that life..." he pointed to Ridley. "Go kill him."
Roy turned to Ridley. Ridley was tearing into his burnt turkey like it was Samus' parents.
"Bruh," said Roy, face reddening. "That's light work. We... We got this." He turned to Sonic.
"Y-Yeah, we got this dude. Easy dub," said Sonic. "Uh... right behind you. Dibs."
Roy sighed and walked up first. Sonic followed, a few too many steps behind him.
Pit turned to Dark Pit, eyes wide. "D-Dude! W-What did you just-That-That's SUICIDE!" He turned to Roy and Sonic. "Guys, come back! You'll DIE! He'll EAT YOU!"
Dark Pit chuckled. "I hope he does."
"Alright, name things you're thankful for or something," said Master Hand.
"I'm thankful I'll never be cut from Smash," said Dr. Mario, turning to Wolf and grinning.
Wolf scratched Mario.
"Ow-a."
"Sorry," lied Wolf.
"Play nice or I'll cut both of you from Smash 6," said Master Hand.
Dr. Mario chuckled. "No you won't."
"...You're correct, sadly." He shook his... uh, not head, hands don't have heads. "But you Wolf... don't think I won't. Don't ruin Thanksgiving."
"You already did," said Wolf.
Master Hand sighed and put his gun finger down. "Anything else you guys are thankful for?" he asked.
"Beep! Beep! Beep! (I'm thankful I'll be dead soon)," said Mr. Game & Watch. He stiffened and fell face first in his turkey. "Beep! (Heart attack.)"
"Ew. Stop being a boomer," said Ness, from the kids table.
"Beep. (Sorry)."
Meanwhile, Roy and Sonic had reached Ridley. Ridley was going for seconds, and with the same gusto he ate his first serving. Scary stuff fr.
"Woah... he's huge..." said Sonic, pale.
"Nah... he's like, all bark, no bite. We... we gots this... like we got Idu-whatever," said Roy.
"...We made that up tho..."
"...No we didn't..." Roy put his hand to his chin. "Wait, we did... it's too late bruh."
They kept approaching. Ridley heard them approaching and turned, staring Roy down so much he froze.
"Yo Ridley!" yelled Roy. Roy charged towards Ridley... and Ridley scooped him up and swallowed him.
Sonic froze. "I'm outta here bruh!" He turned and ran away.
Then Kirby came downstairs. He looked at the food in front of him. Master Hand flew in front of him.
"Oh hey there wittle guy," he said, pitching up his voice. "The kid table's right over there."
Kirby glared at him, then he Inhaled epic style. So hard everything in the room got sucked up.
"What are you-" said Master Hand, before getting swallowed with the rest of the tables, Smashers, and food.
Kirby got a new copy ability; Food poisoning. He fell over and died.