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Summary: Pichu doesn't wanna be cut.
Original publish date: June 20, 2024
--
Pichu hopped through the Smash Castle. It was Father's Day time, and Pichu found a stash of Easter chocolates hidden for desert later. (They weren't good with appropriate holiday food)
As she munched on a stolen chocolate egg, scrolling through TikTok, she overheard voices around the corner. Pichu's ear perked up.
"Ooh." She crept closer and peeked around the corner. It was Pikachu and Jigglypuff chatting.
"So. Smash 6," Pikachu said.
"Can't wait," said Jigglypuff.
"Yeah. Uh, what do you think it's gonna be like?"
"I'm gonna be broken again." She held up a marker. "Imma make sure of that."
Pikachu sighed. "No, I'm talking more like, who do you think's gonna be in it?"
Jigglypuff shrugged. "I don't know. Like, fighters, I guess."
"No. I mean like, who do you think will get cut?"
Jigglypuff arched an eyebrow. "That's a morbid question dude," she chuckled.
"I know. But, uh, I heard Everyone is Here might not happen again, so uh..."
Jigglypuff chuckled. "Why the hell do you care? You're never gettin' cut dude."
"I-I dunno, I'm bored," Pikachu said, ears drooping.
"Well, if ya want Miss Pufferton's words of wisdom - registered trademark - prolly clones first. They always get fucked," Jigglypuff replied. She then put the marker in her mouth and a hand on her head, thinking further.
Pikachu glanced at the wall and saw a suspicious furry rat ear peeking out from the other side. He turned to Jigglypuff. "Hey Puff?"
"Yeah?" she said, removing the marker from her mouth.
Pikachu pointed to the wall. "I think we got company."
Jigglypuff stood on her tippy toes and peered at the wall, slightly inflating. "Oh, I think we do." She smirked. "Should I say that last part louder for 'er?"
"Please don't." Pikachu said. He turned to Pichu. "Hey! Pichu!"
Pichu ducked behind the wall. "I'm not here."
"I can see you right there man," said Pikachu.
Pichu grumbled. "Fine," she said, walking to Pikachu with the chocolate bunny. "Don't tell Master Hand about this or I'll eat every bunny and you won't even get one."
Pikachu raised an eyebrow. "O, okay. Uh, you heard everything, right?"
Pichu grinned. "Everything. Tryna keep secrets from me? Stupid. Anyways. I feel bad for clones. Why is he getting cut?"
Jigglypuff snorted. Pichu raised her eyebrow.
"What?"
Pikachu sighed. "Wha-Pichu... don't you, like, know what clones are?"
Pichu shrugged. "I-o. Is it like, a TikTok thing?"
"What?" said Pikachu. "Are you-i-it's a real word-"
"You," snorted Jigglypuff. "He means you. You're a cloney clone clone." She puffed up in her face. "And Master Hand's gonna take you out back like Ol' Yeller." She inflated herself slightly more til she was peering over Pichu. "Clone."
Pichu's eyeballs shrunk. "I..." Jigglypuff started to say more things but the words turned to noise in Pichu's head.
I'm a... I'm a clone? So... I'm... I'm getting cut?...
"C'mon Puff, don't be like that." Pikachu walked to Pichu and placed a paw on her shoulder. "Aw, please don't get sad. Yeah you're a clone but... uh... you, you're a..." Pikachu hesitated. "Um... special clone."
Pichu perked up. "I'm special?"
"...You could say that."
"And that means Hand won't Ol' Yeller me?"
"...Maybe."
Pichu hopped up and down with a giddy smile. "Maybe! Yay!" She ran outside the room. As she left, Jigglypuff turned to Pikachu.
"Hey, Pi? You don't believe that bullcrap, do you?" Jigglypuff asked, tilting her head.
Pikachu chuckled softly, shaking his head. "Nah. I'm just tryna be supportive."
Pichu's ear twitched. She heard 'em really good.
"Oh he lied." Pichu bit her lip. "I'm... I'm getting cut. Aw no no no no no!" She turned and ran upstairs, clutching her chocy bunny tight.
"But," Pikachu continued, oblivious to Pichu's continued eavesdropping. "I couldn't imagine Smash without Pichu. Like, she's part of our history. Or sum like that. Y'know?"
"I could," replied Jigglypuff.
Pikachu's ears twitched. Before he could reply, Jigglypuff walked away.
--
Pichu slumped to the Smash Castle's communal kitchen. As she opened the fridge, Young Link entered the kitchen, and couldn't help but notice Pichu reaching for a small bottle of alcohol tucked in the corner.
"Hey, Pichu, whatcha doin'?" Young Link asked, looking at the no-no drink.
"Grown up stuff," said Pichu.
Young Link raised his eye. "Grown up stuff?"
"Yeah y'know. The grind's tough. We just work and work and then we die. Hell yeah Imma drink. Ugh, work. Alzheimers. Back pain."
"But we're kids," said Young Link.
"Yeah well, I'm like a honorary adult 'cause life's fucking me in the ass," Pichu grumbled, pouring the alochol in her throat and spitting it out. "Ew."
Young Link looked at the spat alcohol on the floor. "I don't think we should be drinking that..."
Pichu sighed. "I deserve it, Young Link. Master Hand hates me."
Young Link nodded. "Master Hand? What now?"
"He's cutting me from Smash!" Pichu faux bawled. "And all because I'm a widdle girl!" she persisted between pathetic fake cries. "I'm fighting against sexism, oppression, and every other -ism I can't think of!"
Young Link gasped. "Damn. Every other ism."
"Yep."
"That's when you know its serious." Young Link hesitated for a moment before continuing, "Hey, If it helps, I'll join you. We can be rebels together and all that!" He fiddled his thumbs. "Uh, if Master Hand's fine with it of course."
Pichu grinned, uncorking the bottle and pouring a small amount into two tiny cups, then handed one to Young Link. "To fighting oppression!" she said.
"I'm good, thanks," said Young Link, putting down the cup and opening the fridge. "I just wanted some milk."
"Aw c'mon, don't be such a bitch," scoffed Pichu. "Just have fun, you uh, twink elf thing."
"Alright..." Young Link picked up the cup and took a small sip; he frowned. "I don't like it." He shook his head and put it down.
"Yeah, it tastes like butt." Pause. "Not that I'd know. How do people drink this stuff? Man, my old trainer. He drunk like 5 cups every day." Pichu frowned, putting the glass back in the fridge. "Before telling me 'Oh no no Pichu you're doing it all wrong. Oh no no Pichu that's not how you shock people. Oh no no Pichu you're not supposed to cry when you take the fun hand."
"...The fun hand?"
Pichu perked up. "Yeah! I still have the scar! Wanna see it?" Before he could answer, she lifted up her ear and showed off a old, black bruise.
"Wow, that's raw," said Young Link, grimacing.
"It feels rawer," Pichu said. "Anyways. I think I know why we're in danger."
"Why?"
"'Cause we kids," said Pichu. "I bet he thinks we can't be fighting!"
"Well he'd have a point," chuckled Young Link.
His words fell on deaf ears. Pichu was gone.
"Pichu?"
--
Bounding into Master Hand's room, Pichu pointed her finger at the giant hand. "I knew it! I know why you're cutting me!"
Master Hand, who had been touching his fingers together, grumbled.
I don't have time for this bullcrap.
He turned his attention to the small electric mouse, who was trying to look scary by puffing her chest. "Ah, Pichu. What brings you to my humble abode?" he asked, his booming voice echoing in the room.
"Don't act like you don't know buster! You're cutting me 'cause I'm just a widdle kid, aren't ya? That's age racism-ism!"
Master Hand chuckled. "Huh?" He sighed and put up one of his fingers in mock surrender. "Oh no, you caught me. I apologize dearly for my age-racism-ism. Please, I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for this most heinous of crimes."
Pichu crossed her arms, ready for an argument. However, her tune changed as Master Hand reached behind his desk and pulled out a tray with dino chicken nuggets and a juice box.
"Take this as a sign of my surrender. Can't fight oppression if you're hungry y'know."
Pichu's eyes widened. "Dino nuggies? Juice boxes? For me?"
Master Hand nodded. "Of course! It's important to keep your energy up, especially if you're, what was it? Fighting oppression, right?"
Pichu's rebellious spirit dissolved as she accepted the tray. She ran out the room, nibbling on one of the dino nuggets as she retreated.
Master Hand chuckled. "Kids are so easy to bribe. Give them a snack, and they're putty in your hands." He took out his Smash 6 planning notebook and jotted down "Update: Bump Pichu to the bottom of the priority list below Young Link."
--
Pichu and Young Link sat side by side on the kitchen floor, nibbling on their dino nuggets – or, as they called them, "nuggies."
"I couldn't say no to dino nuggets, sorry. But we're still in war!" Pichu declared with a mouthful of nuggies.
Young Link nodded absentmindedly. "Uh huh, sure," he mumbled between bites.
Pichu started to share some retarded strategy. I didn't feel like making up more dialouge for her so just fill in the blanks lol.
As she made hand gestures with a nuggie in hand, Pichu knocked over her juice box, and the juice spilled on the table. Pichu stared at the juice and gasped.
"Oh no! My juice box! It's ruined!" Pichu wailed.
Young Link looked at the spilled juice and then at Pichu. "Pichu, it's just a lil spill..."
Tears filled up Pichu's eyes, and she cried. Waterfalls spilling from her eyes and all that. Young Link sighed, reached for a napkin and began wiping.
Pichu, reeling from the emotional trauma, wiped away her tears with the back of her paw. As she surveyed the mess on the table, a new determination sparked in her eyes.
"I don't have enough oppression points," Pichu mused. "Maybe I should try being a lesbian too! That way, I can accuse Master Hand of being 'lesphobic' and secure my spot in the roster."
Pichu ran to the stairs, leaving her partially eaten nuggies behind. Young Link gave her a curious look.
"Uh, Pichu, what are you talking about?" he said. "Could you speak up?"
But Pichu was gone.
"Pichu?!" he called again.
Crickets.
"How many nuggies can I have?"
Crickets still.
"I bet that means 'all i can eat.'" He bit into another nug and chewed it with a wide smile.
--
Pichu barged into another fighter's room. The room owner, Min Min, was lounging on the couch dead-eyed, not paying much attention to the brainrot slop on her Instagram feed.
"Ugh, nothing but reels. Why are they trying to turn Instagram into TikTok?"
The door being shoved open roused her tho. "What the hell?" She turned to the sound, and glanced at the intruder. "Oh," she mumbled, bracing for the worst. "And pray tell, what do you want now?"
"Puffy. I ike puffy naw," Pichu mumbled, her mouth half-full with dino nugget.
Min Min raised an eyebrow. "You like... what now?"
"Puffy," Pichu repeated, suddenly jerking forward with a cough. She spoke at the wrong time.
"Chew your damn food first," sighed Min Min.
Pichu gulped down her nuggie, panting as she did so. She shook her head and looked at Min Min again.
"Pussy. I like it. A lot," Pichu clarified, her eyes wide as if daring Min Min to react.
Min Min squinted at Pichu. "You want an award?"
"Ooh ooh, yes! Gimme gimme!" said Pichu, hopping up and down with a kooky smile on her face.
Min Min sighed. "I'm lying. I don't have an award."
Pichu pouted. "Lame." She turned and started to walk out. "Oh! right!" She facepalmed and turned again. "I-I almost forgot. T-There's something else really really REALLY important I gotta ask. If, uh, it's cool," she finished, scratching the back of her head.
Min Min sighed, knowing resistance was futile. "Alright, shoot."
Pichu took a deep breath and, between bites of her dino nugget, blurted out, "Can you be my girlfriend?"
Min Min's eyes widened. "What?"
"...Please?"
Min Min couldn't help but chuckle. "Pichu, you're like, what, twelve?"
"Twelve and a HALF."
"Well I'm eighteen. You... You figure it out."
"I, I mean look. Age is just a number, right? You know people say that now?"
"Yeah, P. Diddy maybe."
"But I need a girlfriend! It's, like, part of my rebellion against Master Hand."
Min Min raised an eyebrow, a skeptical look on her face. "Master Hand? What about him?"
Pichu hesitated for a moment. "Oh! Uh, nothing. Just, you know, uh, fighting against the um... uh..."
Min Min, now fully catching on, couldn't contain her annoyance. "Pichu, you're bullshitting, aren't you?"
Pichu's eyes widened, and she scratched the back of her head again. "I-what?"
"You got in trouble with Hand and you're trying to get out of it. Right?"
"...Mmmaybe? ...Can you be my girlfriend anyways?"
Min Min shook her head. "Look. Even IF there wasn't the whole age thing-I like guys. Not girls. Sorry."
"Oh," Pichu's eyes drooped. "I just thought, since you were... y'know... you look like you're gay."
Min Min shook her head. "Good luck with your rebellion or whatever."
"If you don't go out with me, I'll-" Pichu lifted up her hind legs. "I'll piss on your carpet!" Pichu whined.
Min Min chuckled. "You won't."
Pichu closed her eyes and scrunched up her face, straining really hard. "Grr..."
Min Min folded her arms.
"I..." Pichu put her leg down and panted. "I-I lied. I was putting you on the spot."
"Get out my fucking room," Min Min said, putting on one of her arms.
"Fuck you, Noodle bitch. I hope Master Hand cuts you and sends you back to China!" Pichu said, huffing as she left.
--
Pichu stormed down the stairs, fuming and muttering to herself. As she reached the common area, a devious idea began to form in her mind. Oh yes, this is the one.
Meanwhile, Young Link sat there, frowning as he looked at his nugget. "I think there's a bottle cap in this nuggie."
Pichu came down, sat next to him, and grinned at him bug-eyed with a toothy smile. She leaned in closer and closer, peering til he felt the wind from her face brushing and had no choice but to look.
"Personal space please," he grumbled, scooting back.
"I just figured it out!" declared Pichu, completely ignoring him. "I'm gonna seduce Master Hand!"
Young Link gave her the blankest expression he could manage. "Uh?"
"Yeah, I'll seduce him with my charming good looks, make him wanna kiss me, then when he's about to put a ring on it, I'll expose him as a predator, and get him cancelled!" Pichu declared to herself, the spark of determination returning to her eyes.
Young Link, munching on the last nuggie, looked up with a puzzled expression. "Uh, Pichu?! Isn't that going too far? I know you're going to do it anyways but..."
Pichu, interpreting Young Link's hesitation as agreement, grinned confidently. "That's why it'll work!"
"I get that, but why do think he'll want to do it with... y'know, you..."
Pichu raised her eyebrow. "Why would he not?"
"Well we're kids and..."
Pichu zoomed as close to his face as possible again, making him cringe and move back. "Why would he not?"
"I..."
"That's what I thought," said Pichu. "Nuggie time!" She peered at the plate, then looked at Young Link, pouting. "You ate them all?"
"Sorry," mumbled Young Link. "You took a really long time up there. And I was hungry."
Pichu gritted her teeth. "Imma cancel you next." She backed out the kitchen, keeping her eyes on Young Link the whole time. As she left the room, she held her middle and index fingers up to her eyes and made sure to flip them back at Young Link as she went up the stairs.
Pichu made her way back to Master Hand's office, rehearsing lines she'd heard in some questionable videos she found on Youtube Kids. She swung open the door, her eyes fixed on Master Hand.
"Master Hand, I'll do annnnything to stay in Smash," Pichu attempted to purr. "Annnnnything, Daddy Master Hand!"
"Pichu? What in the hell are you doing?" Master Hand tapped his desk with a finger. "I wish I had eyes."
Undeterred, Pichu kept trying to do, er, stuff. I don't wanna get on a watchlist so I'll stop there. Master Hand stared at her.
"Pichu, ar-are you trying to seduce me?!" asked Master Hand. He tapped his index finger loudly on his desk. "That's it. You're grounded."
Pichu, trying to lick her index finger, paused upon hearing Hand's voice, then broke down and started sobbing like the baby she is. "I-I'm sowwy! I-I jus-just wanna LIIVVVE!" she shrieked, bawling out her widdle eye sockets.
Master Hand tried to put his index finger to his nonexistant chin, failed and shook his equally nonesistant head. "Ugh. Frickin' kids. Anywho-Is that what all this is about? You not getting cut?"
Pichu sniveled and nodded. "I dun wanna go..." she sobbed.
Master Hand, not even bothering to try and put a finger to his chin this time, opted to twiddle his fingers instead. "I see. I know how you feel, hard times looming for us. I mean, you Smashers. ''Cause I'll always be here," he said, chuckling. "But I guess I can work something out with you, commoner. Just give me a second."
Master Hand pointed a finger gun at Pichu and smited her with three loud BOOMS, leaving just ash where she lay.
---
Back in the common area, Young Link glanced around. "Pichu?" he asked.
END
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