I have never in my life met a Christian who believed they were wrong. Every Christian I have ever encountered seems to believe that they are the only ones who are right and that everybody else is wrong. Is that not the definition of arrogance and hubris?
I am experiencing extreme difficulties with my mental health and my relationship with God. I have earnestly searched high and low, from heaven to hell, for answers about truth and love. Sadly, I have come up empty-handed and empty-hearted.
Bewilderingly, I have found that Christians have been some of the most unsympathetic and unkind people I have ever met. I believed Christians were held to a higher standard, so I thought I could rely on them for the kindness and compassion I so deeply seek.
Lately, I've been having some really troubling interactions with my sister, who claims to be a devout and loving Christian. Yet, I feel she has been tremendously cruel, callous, and uncompassionate. Her indignation and self-righteousness have shocked and scarred my soul. I reached out to her in a time of need when all I needed was kindness and compassion. I thought that she, of all people, would understand me, as she knows what happened to us in our childhood.
Sadly, I have come to understand the truth of my own mental health. I experienced such extreme trauma in my childhood that it permanently damaged, rewired, and hijacked my nervous system, leaving it in a permanent state of hypervigilance, anxiety, and doubt. With great misfortune, I realized that God is absent in my life, no matter how hard I seek Him.
My mental illness includes bipolar disorder, and I go through tremendous states of hypomania where I am so desperately trying to survive that I've become totally obsessed with theology in my desperate search for truth and love. This obsession has caused me to explore virtually every argument for and against the existence of God. As much as I want to believe, I simply don't see it. And I think my best evidence for this is the lack of compassion I have received from my fellow Christians.
I fear that my sister has fallen into the same trap that the Pharisees fell into: they believe that they are the only ones who are correct and that everyone else is wrong unless they do exactly as they are told. And it's not that I'm disobedient, because I want to serve and do what is right.
Unfortunately, because my brain does not work correctly, none of my primitive drives function properly, as they are in this hyper-state of me trying to survive. Even though there are no immediate threats to my life, the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder are all still there. I have become so fearful of the world and untrusting of others that I fear I have even lost the ability to love. As loving, caring, kind, and compassionate as I believe myself to be, I can't for the life of me understand why none of that has been returned to me.
It feels like my life has been a living hell—the exact definition of hell, as it is a place without God. I cannot understand why God will not reveal Himself to me in some meaningful way that I can comprehend. I had assumed that what I needed would come through other Christians. Yet, sadly, I think it is those very Christians who have hurt me more than anyone else in this world.
I asked my sister to just come visit and spend some time with me, and yet she refuses. She has invited me to be part of her Bible study group, which I'm more than happy to do, but my own personal struggles sometimes prevent me from even leaving the confines of my own apartment. I asked my sister to let me be part of her life and to be a meaningful contributor to the lives of her children, as I have some tremendously awesome talents and skills that I could share with them.
However, when I simply pointed out to her that I felt her unkindness was not Christlike and that I feared our relationship was becoming as cold and distant as how our father treated us, she became righteously indignant and extremely mad that I would question her Christianity and compare her to our father.
I told her that I am in very poor physical health right now, that I'm scared of dying alone, and I asked her to be my healthcare proxy. But she was so angry that I dared challenge her Christianity that she now refuses to be part of my life in any meaningful way on the terms that I need. If I don't do it her way, then she will not be part of my life.
5/27/2025 2141