About me

I'm not just some regular ABDL, of course, but then again, who is? 😆

My real name is a secret for you guys, so until we meet in real life, please call me Sayori (it's pronounced say-ore-ree), even if I'm neither female nor that one pink-haired "piñata" from Doki Doki Literature Club. I seem like some boring old orange who was born in 2000, but I'm actually only 2 years young. Furthermore, I'm a transmasculine non-binary person (my pronouns are he/him and they/them) who is working towards physical transition, as well as pansexual, which means I fall in love with someone based on whom they are from the inside, not the outside.

I live in the Amersfoort area in the Nether(lands), and my everyday hobbies include reading, writing, drawing, cooking, eating, travelling, video games, music, going out, watching shows and movies, photoshopping, photography... and, of course, nappies/diapers and ageplay. (I'll say nappies more often since I've learned to speak British-English and will always remain this way.)

Since 2016, I attend a day program and since I cannot go to anything in the way of a school due to my disabilities (I am autistic and also have SPD, a disharmonic intelligence profile, misophonia, hyperacusis, and am predisposed to depression and self-diagnosed with PTSD), and due to the fact that I'm permanently no longer in the public education law after graduating. I do have my high school certificate, though, so I'm really a freeter.

I currently live somewhat assisted, but still in an own apartment, and I'm still looking for a good unemployment that fits my needs due to being unable to have an actual job.

I speak fluent English, almost fluent Dutch, moderate German, and teeny tiny snippets of French and Japanese, and I'm also able to use a little mix of English and Dutch sign language.

Something that barely anyone knows about me is that I have an imaginary friend for emotional support. He came into my life on approximately April 8th, 2015, and his name is Stanley, but I always call him Stan, and we're best friends through thick and thin. He is also 100% supportive about my ABDL side of life, and whenever I hoist myself into 'baby clothes', so does he, and he's absolutely fine with that, too.

And, uh... yeah, hereby, my ABDL biography. 😛

Now, my Enderman, how did this all start?

I remember first starting to develop my memory at the age of 3. I was playing at the playgroup, which had an indoor slide from which I often went. This was the best era of my life. Your life is quite relaxed since barely anything is important... being little really is something nice. I was as free as a little bird, and wore nappies and used dummies as I pleased. (Well, that was my own rule, since my biological mother had very divergent thoughts on this. 😝)

Unfortunately, everything stopped once I turned 4 and was suddenly mandatory to start school. I wasn't allowed to wear nappies anymore, and my dummy was something I was only allowed to use during the night until I reached the age of 4¾, which is when I wasn't allowed to use it anymore at all. There went my freedom...! 😭 Whenever I was in public and saw a child that still had a dummy, wore a visible nappy or had anything in the way of a bottle in their hands, guess who often got jealous at them. And guess which biological family didn't accept that from me... not fun.

I don't feel like I have any real parents in the real world. I do consider two fictional characters as my biological parents, you can read more on this on the page 'What else am I?'. The biological mother is an insufferable prick who loves to haze and defy me very often, and the biological father is an estranged Siren Head who doesn't even deserve to be alive, in my honest opinion. (No wonder that, out of all of the parental issues I have, I especially have father issues!) My biological mother, even if I live on my own nowadays, is so mediocre that she thinks that it's good to yell at, haze, defy, hurt, ignore and be hard on me, while this is all literal (child) abuse. Until today, I'm still very much hurt by all of this. 😢

But okay, back to my childhood, where my infantilism was developing itself slowly but surely. Me being jealous at babies and toddlers in any form of the public world was a horrid combination with a close-minded biological family that only yelled at me because of it. Whenever I visit any shop, I always shamble around at the baby department, and I still do it since it makes me feel positive. At a children's guest house where I often stayed until the age of 8, there were nappies in the bathroom for those who had nocturnal enuresis, and no matter how hard I tried to put one on, I wasn't allowed to wear any, but that wasn't the real reason that I left; it actually regarded financial reasons at home.

When did you really discover that you had this thing with nappies, and how did you cope with that?

In the late summer of 2006, I went to 1st grade, which also marked the first year at a special school for those who are autistic and have similar disorders. Back then, I was the classmate of one half of a set of twins, and one day, I saw that he still had a dummy... guess who got jealous about that! His twin brother, who was in a different classroom than ours, didn't just have a dummy, he also still wore nappies, and guess who got even more jealous about that! It also didn't really help that he often had his nappy changed whenever my class and I often passed by the toilets, of which the doors were never closed, while going back inside after recess. This was the first situation that made me think: "If I grow up... wait a second, I don't want to! I want to be a baby again!" Much to a massive disappointment of my biological family and some of my classmates, but that's only a tad logical. 😗

In the meantime, I also attended a special swimming school, during which I got no swimming certificates, which very much disappointed my biological family once again, so keep in mind that if you want to go swimming with me, I'm still mandatory to use water wings and a rubber ring. (Oh, and also keep in mind to take me to the lake since I'm horribly allergic to trichloramine!) But okay, after a few times of swimming there, I was in the dressing room, which I happened to share with someone who... 🥁 ...still wore nappies! And once again, guess who was so jealous that they were most likely green with envy! Those nappies, by the way, were not the Pampers that you see daily, but most likely a Tena Super (with a green line in the centre of the nappy), even if I probably didn't know any better since I was merely paying attention to the whole concept of such a nappy. Ever since, I was only just happy that bigger nappies also existed.

In 2nd grade, my life started falling apart due to being bullied, not necessarily because I didn't want to grow up, but about my disability, common demeanour, and weight. I was only just happy when I had a better class starting from 3rd grade, where I could share my stories with my best classmates who also didn't want to grow up, even if I haven't seen them anymore ever since. Man, do I want to catch up with them, and not just about that, but also about other things we found very interesting.

In the meantime, I tried very hard to persuade my biological family to buy nappies for me, in all sorts of ways (for example, by experimenting with tea towels and sanitary pads), but none of them were successful. Earlier in 2009, I briefly used my dolls' nappies, which I only wore during the night, only used for my bladder's contents, and threw away before my biological mother came to dress me up. In the same year, I also defecated in such a nappy once, after which I hid it (not so well, eventually), which, unfortunately, resulted in a rigorous physical punishment. At that same time, my biological family was looking for something I lost while I told them that I didn't want any help with that, but nobody listened to my request, resulting in everyone looking literally everywhere against my will and way. 😒

I've always tried to hide my infantilism, but this only worked out well (read: as good as well) when I switched schools in 2011, where I started 6th grade this time. Back then, there were only 'hunk' boys in my classroom, and no girls at all. Only at home, I could still write about anything in the way of infantilism, and I must say that I was pretty good at keeping myself quiet about it as well. 😌

When did you actually start doing something with your infantilistic feelings, rather than just keeping quiet about it?

So yeah, on to infantilism and puberty from my point of view. I only just started 7th grade and my infantilistic feelings started increasing again, not in front of people this time, but overall. This was because of one certain day in biology class, where we were still learning what biology exactly was. Back on that certain day, we learned the human phases per age (for instance, a baby is aged 0 to 1½, a toddler is aged 1½ to 4, et cetera), until the teacher told us about a certain episode of Dr. Phil in which someone in his 20s acted like a baby. At first, I was very shocked to hear this, most likely because I had (and still have) these exact feelings deep inside, and afterwards, I've kept myself extremely quiet about infantilism at home... until TLC aired a short teaser trailer of My Crazy Obsession, where I saw an 'adult baby' once again, and I must say that it looked less intense than that story about Dr. Phil that the biology teacher told us. I'm also glad that I watched that exact episode to the fullest on YouTube when I was on my own once, it was actually more mild-mannered for me than I expected.

I actually started doing something with my infantilism after My Crazy Obsession, albeit in secrecy, because whenever I tried to start about it whenever the biological family was present, I'd always get criticised and hazed about it straight away, since they actually think it's a taboo. 😟 And it especially didn't help when we went to Spain for 2 weeks (which was horrid since I'm very afraid of flying, and  there was nothing like TV or wi-fi (also known as the stuff that I'm used to) at the facility where we stayed) and that I often got criticised there as well, and not just when I caught a glimpse of the baby department at the Caprabo/Eroski supermarket, or when I saw a bag of adult nappies at the Mercadona. No, it's because those gremlins simply hate me. 😪

Starting from 2014, which was in the second half of an awful school year in 8th grade where I got bullied immensely again, I finally started doing something with my infantilism physically. Back then, I did sports (until 2017, since sports really don't help me feel good or anything) at a special group, and at the location where we did this, I regularly saw dummies at the lost-and-found-corner. Normally, I'd just leave them due to being afraid of being lectured from here to Termina, until it was February 2014. Back then, I finally had the courage to sneak into that corner, where I saw my first dummy, which looked like this...

At home, I kept it as safe as possible, in my candy locker, to be exact, and I only used it during weekends and official school holidays, but not when I went to France in the same year. By the way, in France, there were also adult nappies that were commonly being sold in the supermarkets - to be exact, at the Super U and E.Leclerc, which, once again, disappointed my biological family big-time, and to think that I was very much disappointed that they didn't allow me to buy anything in France, even if it was merely a boring old keychain or something. Starting from then, I've started considering to move to Belgium or France, since they commonly sell nappies at the super- and hypermarkets there. (Even if nowadays, I have different countries in mind if I want to emigrate, namely Ireland or anything in Scandinavia (Finland, to be exact), due to them having the same currency as the majority of Europe, and the fact that they also speak very good English there. 🤗)

After having been jealous at kids with dummies and visible nappies, in any form of the public world, in every country I've been to, and even on a ton of TV shows, I was only happy that I could occasionally sneak some dummies from the lost-and-found-corners. That was, at least, when nobody was looking, to still prevent lectures and all that jazz. Until 2016, I often found a dummy anywhere, which I secretly took home so I could secretly wash and disinfect it well at first, and subsequently use it once that was all done. I always use(d) them when playing with stuffies and toys, as well as... that's right, a onesie/bodystocking and a nappy! 😉

At the end of 2016, I was considering to purchase nappies on ABDLFactory, which is something I actually did at the start of 2017. They were this kind of nappy pants/pull-ups, to be exact. Nervous as heck, but still brave from the inside, I did it, paid digitally with my own money (all this time, I've been the only one who's had the insight of and on their own bank account, too!), planned the pick-up point/'post office', and even planned more things to do outside after picking up the order. (Depositing cash at the bank, picking up a free lottery gift at the bakery and whatnot.) In the exact same year, I even started buying dummies and nursing bottles directly, and I must say, I've grown a lot with my infantilism starting from that moment, as well as with keeping quiet about it whenever it's mandatory. I'm very proud of myself, and I can easily classify myself as an ABDL at heart.

Now that you somewhat live on your own, how do you currently do it?

Ever since first living on my own with some assistance ever since November 2018, I try to be in little space more often, and in response to that, I even purchased my first bag of Tena Plus nappies in the summer of 2019, to start with something not quite visible, imagine if I'd wear a nappy out in public.

Ever since October 2019, I've worn a pull-up in public for the first time to see how it actually felt, and ironically, I didn't even feel nervous about it! In fact, I felt very calm (and most likely very determined and brave, too), which was probably due to some sort of mindset in response to several tips I've read on this forum, whether they were aimed at me or not. (Such as "Don't pay too much mind to your behind so others won't do the same and think 'oh my god, look at that butt!'", "Wear something in the way of track pants, so the public world will be less likely to see it", or "Wearing a onesie could also create some discretion!".) Ever since, I haven't done it that often anymore, but I am secretly working to still do so on an irregular basis. Starting with pull-ups and being on your own, but perhaps eventually going out with someone else while wandering around in a thick nappy that's easier to change...!  🤩(Even if there are no adult changing stations in most of the (Dutch) cities... 🤔)

Sometimes, when the 'puffer fish' in my tummy (indirect name for an organ that doesn't belong to the gender that I identify with) loves to hurt me again every now and then with all of the consequences caused by it, I often wear a pull-up in the stead of a sanitary pad. So far, whenever I did this where housemates and counsellors were, they saw nothing suspicious about me! I especially prefer this whenever I wear a onesie, so that the pull-up won't accidentally be visible if it's longing to creep out of my undies, and thus, I most likely won't be laughed at.

Ever since 2021, I promised myself to take, pardon the pun, baby steps in meeting and getting to know fellow ABDLs in real life, which started with a Discord meeting, but gradually turned into real-life meetings once the virus started becoming extinct, and on those real-life meetings, I feel like a fish in water, which is a very positive thing. Besides of these baby steps, I also took a few in the respect of expanding my ABDL 'world': for instance, I bought more baby clothes in my own size, I assembled an opaque toy box, I buy instant formula, baby biscuits and fruit jars more often, and I even try more nappies. Furthermore, I engage in ageplay when I'm mentally and emotionally drained and longing for it, which, for instance, is after long days or hard times... or both, because who says that that's not possible. 🤷‍♂️

Ever since June 2022, I live in an apartment of my own again, where I am able to do most of the things by myself again, and I'll try to make sure that I'll have more time for ageplay when I both need and can use it, and experiment with new things there as often as possible as well, such as streaming my favourite littlespace shows from the computer to the TV, or eating from baby bowls and divided plates with children's cutlery.

Do you have any future plans, even if the future doesn't exist? (Thanks a lot, Tony the Talking Clock... 😆)

Not very much right now. One thing that's part of my ABDL journey is the try-out of more AB diapers, rather than medical ones, and concluding which brand is the best for me.

For the time being, this is all I can say about myself. It may extend and/or change, but you'll see when that'll happen, alright? 😁