Is it just me?

Does anyone else feel like they have been crushed in the deepest swell of a wave, tossed and turned, spun out of control and then spat out on a beach – bedraggled, yet free to now take baby steps?

I have ridden the white crest of a wave on a smooth backed white unicorn

I have dived deep down to the navy blackness of the detritus filled seas

I have flown to the orbed moon and back, pulling it down into my empty arms

I have delved into the crevices of my soul & discovered white bright rooms I have never known before

I have peered around the edges of humanity

I have seen the pain of others, reflected in mine.

I have soared the greyest of skies

I have heard the ancient chimes of passing time

I have travelled the globe a million times

I have spanned the depth and breadth and perimeter of love

I have walked in the dewy freshness of the morn

I have shouted a lot

I have loved and cried with my kids

I have missed my aging beautiful aunties

I have fought the wildfires of fear in my heart

I have slept on a bed of fear and woken with a pounding heart

I have watched my grass seeds grow, and courgettes from seedlings

I have eaten copious cheap chocolate

I have read and re-read all the books I have access to

I have cooked lunch after lunch

I have listened to the Uk blessing on repeat

I have known longing like never before

I have walked with dis-ease and contentment side by side, long lonely days without end

I have come face to face with the thought leopard of Covid 19

I have known shame, and chastised for mistakes at work

I am re-surfacing from the waters of life

I have rowed the seven seas in a rickety old boat, with just enough provisions

I have been blessed without measure

I have worked long and hard days with little thanks

I have found hope in small things

I have neglected myself

I am almost done in

I have been liberated by penned words on a blank page, formed out of the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head

I have been held by a lovely mum, I am unable to confide in, who has made roti and dahl

I have cursed, yet been redeemed by, the universe

I have grieved a loss, like no other

I have stopped spinning

I have been truly loved

I have picked up the pieces of the plates I’ve smashed, the balls I’ve dropped, the people I’ve failed.

I’ve found the golden thread running through the weave of my life, the pearl of great price

I’ve been kept by the divine -

I’ve been lost and found.

I am made anew.

I wrote this poem at the end of the 1^st lockdown in June 2020 – the sentences woke me, swirling around my mind and they all came out on the page in a jumble (pretty much as they are today). I think for all of us, from May – June 2020 was a time, like no other. The rising fear and anxiety, especially for keyworkers on the front line. We had to keep going for the people we were serving day in, day out. There was no hiding. I think I had to dig deep into my reserves of resilience and probably learnt more about myself and my values, and also about my community around who held me up, when I fell down.

But, it is also about hope.

Hope in myself, my successes, my community, and those who walk with us on our journey.

Dr Kathleen Wenaden (GP, East London)