A place I've never been

My creative piece is a painting in gouache of the city Hama, Syria depicting the famous Noria.

A very peculiar activity caught my attention during a presentation about the implementation of the arts at the Royal Hospital London. The said activity was a life drawing session with babies as models; The mothers would sketch their babies in means of forming a relationship and bond with their offspring after a traumatic birth/postnatal depression.

Naturally, I could only think of my own experiences with PTSD and how I could use art as a form of expressing certain feelings and thoughts I cannot necessarily verbalise. The main element of PTSD that burdened me the most was the feeling of resentment towards my own country and people. After so many years growing up surrounded by my culture, language, people and customs- it was the only thing I knew. To have that stripped away from me by constant traumatic events following the start of the Syrian revolution that finally lead us to leaving the country only ever filled me with resentment. A big part of that resentment came from the fact that there was not a single happy memory that stood by itself; reminiscing happier times were always tainted by the stain of war.

I took on this project in attempt to bring myself closer to Syria; to rebuild a bond and a relationship of sorts and to express these conflicted feelings that I’ve always felt too guilty to express.

To begin with, I decided to paint in gouache. I purposefully decided to stray away from my usual medium of art (digital) in order to achieve that authenticity in what I was trying to express; finding comfort in discomfort.

Gouache is a difficult paint to work with; requires patience, several layers of paint is required in order to achieve opacity, blending is difficult, any deviance with the paint consistency could easily compromise the quality of the painting etc. However, I felt as though it represented how difficult it is to come to terms with and understand the layers of emotion and complex thought behind trauma. The process of painting represented the processing of those events in my life and reflecting on them and my feelings alike. Using gouache was therapeutic; I was able to take the process slowly knowing that the painting would take a while to complete anyway.

The ownership I had of the painting as the painter gave me the freedom to take control; make my own narrative. To add and take away symbolic elements as I please. Being able to take control is an important element in art therapy for trauma survivors and PTSD sufferers alike; it provides a different perspective to many situations including different perspectives to their own doubts and thoughts.

This painting in essence; depicts elements of myself as well as my heritage that I've always been so proud of and my anger at how some of that pride has been stripped away from me by unfortunate circumstances.

Maria Najlah (Medical Student, Creative Arts SSC, Barts & The London, 2020)