Forgiveness

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Forgiveness handout.pdf

TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE

THAT IS THE QUESTION

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different than it actually was.” - Oprah Winfrey

“Forgiveness is hard but holding onto your anger is harder.” – Anonymous

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, to forgive the one who inflicted it feels more painful than the wound we suffered. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” - Marianne Williamson

What is Forgiveness

Forgiveness is difficult for many people. I think a large part of this is due to a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. It is often easier to learn what something is by learning what it is not. Unfortunately, many people confuse forgiveness with its synonyms which are close but not the same. Things like excusing, condoning, or pardoning are not the same as forgiveness. As Neil L. Anderson pointed out, “Forgiveness is not excusing accountability or failing to protect ourselves, our families, and other innocent victims. Forgiveness is not continuing in a relationship with someone who is not trustworthy. Forgiveness is not condoning injustice. Forgiveness is not dismissing the hurt we feel because of the actions of others. Forgiveness is not forgetting but remembering in peace.”

Often when we think of forgiveness, we think that means we are saying that what they did is ok, or that we are letting them off the hook so they don’t have consequences for their actions. However, as Stacey Martino pointed out “unforgiveness does not equal justice.” Our resenting and hating someone does not make them pay for their actions (in fact a lot of times people don’t even know we are mad at them).

Let’s use a little example here to show that things aren’t always simple. Let’s say your friend breaks your favorite toy. How you feel about it may depend on whether they did it on accident or on purpose, but either way the toy is still broken. Let’s say that in order to punish your friend and get even, you break one of his toys. Is that justice? The way I see it, your toy is still broken and now his toy is broken which means there are two toys instead of just one that neither of you can play with. There is physically no possible way to break something of his in a way that will bring your toy back. What if you just never talk to him again? Your toy is still broken and now you no longer are having fun together - seems to me like you just made the problem worse as you were already down one toy and now you are down one friend. Let’s say the toy was inexpensive enough that he was able to buy you one to replace your old one. How does that change things? Can you still be mad at him for breaking the toy even though you basically are just as well off as before the toy was broken? What if it was irreplaceable - something your grandpa made you or something too expensive for him to replace or that they don’t make anymore? Is there any way to get the situation back to where it was before the incident happened? What if he accidentally left your toy out in the rain and is not even sure why you won’t talk to him anymore? What if you thought he was the one who left it out in the rain and you broke his toy to get even, only to find out later that it was really you who had left the toy out in the rain in the first place.

I think we often think of forgiveness like we are the judge who can take someone who did something wrong and pardon them so that they don’t have to go to jail or pay a fine or whatever. There is a universal law that every action has a consequence. However, we must remember that most consequences are not enforced right away. We don’t have the ability to enforce the natural consequences of other’s actions nor do we have the ability to pardon them so they don’t have to suffer those consequences. James Rasband reminded us, “We may think that forgiveness requires us to let mercy rob justice. It does not. Forgiveness does not require us to give up our right to restitution. It simply requires that we look to a different source.” Part of forgiveness is turning judgement and the responsibility to enact the consequences over to God (or the Universe).

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a deliberate and conscious decision to release feelings of resentment or anger towards someone who has wronged you - regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Since forgiving is releasing our feelings about a person or situation it is easier to understand why we can forgive anything. It is also why we can forgive someone without them even being aware of it. It is also why Nelson Mandela said “Unforgiveness is drinking the poison yourself and waiting for your enemy to die.”

What benefits do I get from forgiveness and what happens if I don't?

Hopefully what you learned from the last section was that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It has nothing to do with what happened to you but is about your feelings of what happened to you. Forgiveness is also not for the other person but for you. That is why Lewis B Smedes taught that “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

In the book The Body Keeps the Score, we learn that, “Nobody can ‘treat’ a war, or abuse, or rape, molestation, or any other horrendous event, for that matter; WHAT HAS HAPPENED CANNOT BE UNDONE. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and should; the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.”

Our brains can’t distinguish between what is in our minds and reality very well so when we have trapped emotions, in many ways our bodies are experiencing those events again and again. [ii] It also takes a lot of energy to suppress or deal with these emotions that – like holding a beach ball under the water. (see my handout on trapped emotions.)

Hal Elrod was talking about the pain we have in our life when he said, “it’s wishing and wanting that something were different that cannot be different and to the degree that you wish it were different determines the degree of emotional pain that you create for yourself.”

The following is a summary of a story that provides an example of some of the effects of not forgiving. “The Piece of String” by Guy de Maupassant was written in the 1800’s. It tells the story of a peasant named Hauchecorne. One day while walking through the public square, Hauchecorne caught sight of a piece of string lying on the cobblestones. He picked it up. He noticed the harness maker watching him, so he quickly put the string in his pocket and pretended to look for something on the ground. Later that day it was announced that earlier that morning someone had lost a black leather purse with 500 francs and some important papers in the square.

Hauchecorne was brought before the mayor because someone had reported they had seen him pick up the purse. He protested his innocence, showing that it was only a piece of string that he had picked up. They searched him and after finding no proof they allowed him to go but said they would be watching him. Word spread of his questioning and release, but no one would believe he had only picked up a piece of string and he was laughed at. He sulked over this all night and would explain his innocence to anyone he saw.

The purse was later found and Hauchecorne was cleared of any wrongdoing. However, he was resentful of the false accusation, and he became embittered and would not let the matter die. Unwilling to forgive and forget, he thought and talked of little else. Everyone he met had to be told of the injustice. Obsessed with his grievance, he became ill and died a couple of months later. As he was dying he could be heard muttering over and over "A little bit of string -- a little bit of string.”

Ianya Vanzant teaches, “Forgiveness inevitably leads to acceptance. It is a demonstration of your willingness to move on. Acceptance does not mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work. It also means you know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay.”

Sometimes when the person who needs forgiveness is ourselves, we withhold forgiveness because we feel we are paying some sort of debt. Not forgiving ourselves does not do anyone any good. It does not make anything better in the past and in fact limits what we are currently doing and what we can do in the future.

Others have done it and I can too

An often-quoted story about forgiveness comes from Corrie Ten Boom. She was a survivor of the Nazi concentration camp at Ravensbruck. She had been imprisoned there with her sister Betsie who did not survive. After the war Corrie traveled around the world preaching sermons on peace and forgiveness. She records this experience in her autobiography:

It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there—the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain-blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,” he said. “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”

His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often . . . the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.

I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.

As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

Here is a story shared by Boyd K Packer that is another good example.

Many years ago I was taught a lesson by a man I admired very much. He was as saintly a man as I have ever known. He was steady and serene, with a deep spiritual strength that many drew upon. He knew just how to minister to others who were suffering. His life had been a life of service, both in the Church and in the community. When he was older he was not able to drive at night, and I offered to take him. On one occasion when we were alone and the spirit was right, he gave me a lesson for my life from an experience in his. Although I thought I had known him, he told me things I would not have supposed.

He grew up in a little community. Somehow in his youth he had a desire to make something of himself and struggled successfully to get an education. He married a lovely young woman, and presently everything in his life was just right. He was well employed, with a bright future. They were deeply in love, and she was expecting their first child. The night the baby was to be born there were complications. The only doctor was somewhere in the countryside tending to the sick. They were not able to find him. After many hours of labor the condition of the mother-to-be became desperate.

Finally the doctor arrived. He sensed the emergency, acted quickly, and soon had things in order. The baby was born and the crisis, it appeared, was over. Some days later the young mother died from the very infection that the doctor had been treating at the other home that night.

My friend’s world was shattered. Everything was not right now; everything was all wrong. He had lost his wife, his sweetheart. He had no way to take care of a tiny baby and tend to his work.

As the weeks wore on his grief festered. “That doctor should not be allowed to practice,” he would say. “He brought that infection to my wife; if he had been careful she would be alive today.” He thought of little else, and in his bitterness he became threatening.

Then one night a knock came at his door. A little youngster said, simply, “Daddy wants you to come over. He wants to talk to you.” “Daddy” was [his church leader]. A grieving, heartbroken young man went to see his spiritual leader. The counsel from this wise servant was simply: “John, leave it alone. Nothing you do about it will bring her back. Anything you do will make it worse. John, leave it alone.”

My friend told me then that this had been his trial, his Gethsemane. How could he leave it alone? Right was right! A terrible wrong had been committed, and somebody must pay for it. He struggled in agony to get hold of himself. It did not happen at once. Finally he determined that whatever else the issues were, he should be obedient. He determined to follow the counsel of that wise spiritual leader. He would leave it alone.

Then he told me, “I was an old man before I finally understood. It was not until I was an old man that I could finally see a poor country doctor—over-worked, underpaid, run ragged from patient to patient, with little proper medicine, no hospital, few instruments. He struggled to save lives, and succeeded for the most part. “He had come in a moment of crisis when two lives hung in the balance and had acted without delay.” “I was an old man,” he repeated, “before finally I understood. I would have ruined my life,” he said, “and the lives of others.”

Many times he had thanked the Lord on his knees for a wise spiritual leader who counseled simply, “John, leave it alone.” And that is my counsel to you. If you have festering sores, a grudge, some bitterness, disappointment, or jealousy, get hold of yourself. You may not be able to control things out there with others, but you can control things here, inside of you.

I say, therefore: John, leave it alone. Mary, leave it alone. You may need a transfusion of spiritual strength to be able to do this. Then just ask for it. We call that prayer. Prayer is powerful, spiritual medicine. The instructions for its use are found in the scriptures. All of us carry excess baggage around from time to time, but the wisest ones among us don’t carry it for very long. They get rid of it. Some of it you have to get rid of without really solving the problem. Some things that ought to be put in order are not put in order because you can’t control them.

Often, however, the things we carry are petty, even stupid. If you are still upset after all these years because Aunt Clara didn’t come to your wedding reception, why don’t you grow up? Forget it. If you brood constantly over some past mistake, settle it—look ahead. If you resent someone for something he has done—or failed to do—forget it.

Sometimes we feel that we can forgive some of those simple petty things but not some of the horrendous things some humans unfortunately do to others. I thought this story taught some good lessons.

Let’s explore one last principle. We live in a world that glorifies idols and champions. We appreciate those who are striving to be stronger, higher, and faster. But the strongest girl I ever saw was actually pretty frail and would have been no match in an athletic contest. No one would covet her young life, which was full of fear, confusion, and a deep self-loathing. It was during this time that she was being abused by her stepfather.

Millie was physically and sexually abused by her mother’s second husband. He was not a nice guy, but we will leave his punishment to the powers that be. Millie wasn’t interested in punishing anybody. She knew what pain is like and didn’t want to be involved in giving or receiving any more of it.

When I met Millie, she was a young woman trying to understand what she had done to deserve such treatment. In her confused and painful thinking, she was certain that he wouldn’t have done it without some provocation or enticement. He had told her that it was her fault. And grown-ups are always right, aren’t they?

But Millie was strong even with that misplaced sense of responsibility for her traumatic circumstances. She was trying to fight her way out. She was trying to figure out how to live with the memory of the abuse and not be consumed by it. For some time, the best she was able to do was to label herself a victim. This was an important first step, realizing that she had been victimized and that it wasn’t her fault, but for Millie it wasn’t enough. She wanted freedom from the on-going victimization of the terrible experience. She wanted to somehow let go of it completely.

One day Millie was stunned by a thought-provoking passage from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. It reads, “The soul helps the body and at certain moments uplifts it. It is the only bird that sustains its cage.” This came as a revelation to Millie. She could see that her body is sort of like a cage that surrounds the real Millie. If that is so, she wondered, then could it be that he was hurting the cage, but that the bird was not damaged at all?

Of course! He could beat the cage, he could abuse the cage, he could even break the cage, but he couldn’t get at the beautiful bird inside. Even if he destroyed the cage, the bird would just fly free beyond his ability to afflict any more harm. He might frighten the little bird out of singing for a while, but he could not take away her song forever. With this insight Millie was liberated.

Millie stopped calling herself a victim. She ceased defining herself by what he had done to her. The abuse is something that happened to her it is not her. Millie is one of the strongest people I have ever met. The principle: Bad things may happen to me, but they are not me.

There is a powerful difference in labeling yourself a survivor instead of being a victim. Subtle difference in wording but powerful difference in the effect it has on our lives. Stephen Covey reminds us, “You will always be a victim until you forgive.”

How do I do it?

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C.S. Lewis

Forgiveness sounds simple, but that does not make it easy. There is not one way to do it. Every person and every situation is going to be a little different. A lot of times it is going to take multiple attempts or may even take a long time. It is sometimes hard to determine if you have forgiven someone, but a good test is to think of the person or situation. If you can remember in peace, then you have probably forgiven them but if you have bad feelings that come with the memory then you may have more work to do. It is possible that you forgave them and then later realized that some of the resentment returned requiring you to forgive again.

Here are a couple of suggestions.

· Sometimes to start, all you can manage is working towards the willingness to consider forgiving.

· As we read in Corrie Ten Boom’s story, prayer is a big part in many people’s journey of forgiveness. You can pray to forgive, pray for the strength to forgive, pray to have the desire to forgive.

· It is sometimes helpful to realize what the negative feelings do to you. When you are in a safe space and an ok mindset you can think about the situation. Without judging just try to observe what happens to your body and thoughts. Pretend you are like a deep sea diver just watching the fish swim around you and see what happens.

· There is a lot of power in feeling understood. One excellent and safe way to do this is to write a letter that only you will ever see. Make sure you describe what emotions you felt then and now and the impact you feel it has had on your life. The only objective is to write to yourself and allow yourself to express whatever wants to be brought to life. Some people like to include what they would like to tell their younger self about the situation.

o (If during this some uncomfortable feelings arise you can take a break or just remind yourself that you are safe and these are just feelings but they can’t hurt you. Most of these will pass within 90 seconds if you can wait them out.)

o [Some people like to burn these letters when they are done or rip them up, etc]

· Maybe part of your letter or just a separate list will include describing what you need to resolve this issue for you. Sometimes there are good things that can be done that help you move on.

o Maybe letting your husband know that when he does ____ it makes you feel ____ . Sometimes people don’t realize they are bothering us and would be willing to change if we just gave them the chance.

o Maybe someone needs to be held accountable for their crime so they can’t do it to someone else.

· Sometimes it is beneficial to talk to a trained professional to get the help you need. Many people find that EMDR has been helpful in overcoming some of the trauma in their past.

“Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrong doing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives.”

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