Rx 5: On Writing

When I was in elementary school, maybe around 11 years old, I composed a novella titled "Larke's Last Wish". The story centred on a boy named Larke who somehow found himself with a bag of magic marbles, each one with the power to grant him a wish (with the obvious consequences and repercussions of this ensuing). I have always loved writing stories; when I was even younger, maybe starting about age four, I would always be creating little storybooks. This segued into short stories (whether for school or for fun), journalling, playing word games, writing letters, and otherwise being wholly engaged in writing. My novella, at age 11, was by far the longest and most ambitious creation of my childhood writing career. I sent it off to a children's publisher (just one), with high hopes of becoming famous with this publication. Anne Frank was one of my heroes, and I remember while writing in my diary I would frequently daydream about future generations savouring my every witty observation of the world around me.

Unfortunately, the novella was not accepted by the publisher. However, perhaps sensing some child-like naivety and inexperience, the manuscript was returned to me along with a hand-written note. The note encouraged me to keep writing, to pursue my dreams, and complimented me on what I had submitted.

Several years passed and I found myself in high school, writing the PSAT with hopes of getting early admission - preferably with full scholarship - into Harvard (another one of my childhood dreams). My marks on the PSAT were good enough to generate some interest from American schools, but what I remember most distinctly about that test was that there was a space where we were asked to write what career we wanted to pursue. I had written, "author". I imagined a future in which I would have a small cottage by the sea, with large sunny windows and bookshelves surrounding me, and publishing a long succession of best-selling novels - each new book even more wildly popular than the last.

My marks in high school were pretty strong across the board. My mom and stepdad sat me down and advised me away from my English major, arguing for a science degree that might lead towards medical school (another path I had been considering). "You can always write for fun, but you can't doctor as a hobby", they said. And so when I graduated, I began an honours science program that virtually sucked away any energy I might have had for whimsical story-writing. I was too tired from lab work, writing reports, and exams.

I've come back to writing in fits and spurts as an adult. I took a creative writing course through the university here to try and rekindle those creative flames. I've had several online blogs over the years; these online spaces were ways in which I could fit in quick snippets of my voice without taking away too much from my 9-5 job, from my kids, from life in general.

The reality is, the dream of publishing never really went away. And yet, the practice of writing definitely did. I yearn to tap into that energy of childhood me, who would write dozens of stories just for fun, never with some goal or aspiration beyond having fun and getting a story out. It was playful. As an adult, I have often felt like if it isn't purposeful (what is this for? Will anyone read it and care? and so on...) then I am less inclined to do it.

But why do we create at all, if not for joy and to fulfill something deep inside of us?

Writing feeds me. I know I have struggled with feeling there needs to be some purpose to it, but the purpose needs to shift away from others appreciating my outputs to me doing it for myself. This is my creative spirit. I sometimes wonder, what are the reasons that we as adults so often get away from what our passions truly are? When and why do we let go of the playful curiosity we have as kids, and the freedom to explore what fuels us? I wonder if we had concrete answers to those questions, if anything would shift. Is it just inevitable that we become more practical and closed as we age? I hope it's not the case. I refuse to be complacent. This project was designed to remind me of my love of writing, and in capturing this segment, I hope also to remind myself never to stop.