Role (Model) with It (Or: Why Queer Visibility is Important, a Dan Story)

Dan is an early career queer mathematician at Northumbria university. He has spent quite a lot of time obsessing over waves in fluid dynamics, pattern formation and now space plasmas, using a mixture of asymptotic analysis and multiparameter Noether theory to advance his wavey agenda. 

Dan is now involved in the QED Network and working to improve the queer experience and visibility within mathematics. However, Dan was not always visible and has spent a large portion of his career (and personal life) within the closet. In our first Here and Queer, Dan shares his experience of coming out within the mathematics community and how he's come to realise that role models have made a big difference to his experience as a queer mathematician.

As part of “not making others do things I wouldn’t do myself”, I thought I’d start Here and Queer by reflect on a very contemporary experience I’m still going through, but one that’s given me a lot of hope and affirmation – coming out within the mathematics community.

For a bit of context – I’m Pansexual, meaning I experience attraction across the whole gender spectrum. This can mean that, at times I’m in a heteronormative-presenting relationship, anyone who doesn’t know me better would assume that I’m straight [1]. For the longest time this has helped me fly under the radar - avoid uncomfortable conversations here, sidestep tense confrontations there – the Classic Undercover Closeted Queer Experience™. That kept me feeling safe, especially when, growing up, gay was considered the worst insult to throw around the school. And to be honest, nothing during my time growing up North of London challenged that notion – being openly queer was just not a thing, and at its worst met with violence.

…and this terrible little habit followed me into the mathematical landscape. In the lands where the majority of its members are cis straight white men, it felt very risky to expose myself as something different. I didn’t realise it at the time, but a real compounding factor in that feeling was seeing nobody in the mathematical space being openly queer. It was like a tacit reinforcement of the fact that you don’t get to tour the big leagues if you’re (openly) gay in any way,

Alright, I’ll stop being a Danny Downer now – but I wanted to lay out what I suspect is a very common mindset amongst queer people my age (dear Bernoullis, that makes me sound old – I’m only early 30’s): you can be who you are, but why risk it by coming out? What difference does that even make, really?

Well, er, for me it turned out to make a big difference. My coming out journey can be summarised as 3 key plot points which all happened in recent times:

The first was my move to the North East during the pandemic – it’s the furthest I’ve ever lived (and possibly the furthest whilst still being in England!) from my home town and I knew at most 2 people in the city. I used this as a chance to reboot the Dan franchise, and part of that was being more open about who I was and my sexuality. I’m glad I did – because of that I have made queer connections within and outside of the workplace, and they have been some of the most supportive and wholesome people I have ever met. Whilst it has brought its own challenges, I have 0 regrets and it was 100% the right time for me to come out.

The second was coming across the IoP+RSC Exploring the workplace for LGBT+ physical scientists report. Not only did it make me realise just how many queer people exist within STEM, but that many of them shared the exact same experience that I was living. So many, just like me, felt that the main way to keep their career safe was to stay (or return) to the closet. The more I read though… the more pissed off I got! I didn’t mind so much when it was just me, but all these cool and talented people!? No f**king way. After that I started being more vocally out – it felt time to be more visible to the local community, as now that I had a permanent position I didn’t have as many of the risks to my career as I once had. Time to use that privilege for good!

The final domino to fall was the EDI session at BAMC 2024 (which was very well attended! Shout out to that!). There was a talk by Clare Davies on queer science and the importance of role models (10/10 talk, would recommend), after which I asked the room a seemingly innocent question – “hey, do we have any contemporary queer role models in maths?” – and there wasn’t much in the way of a definitive answer within the room. What there was though was a very supportive group of queer mathematicians that gathered afterwards who were extremely passionate to change that. This conversation turned into a queer lunch later that week, and then said lunch turned into a “we should totally make this, like, a thing” – and that, kids, is not how I met your mother but how the Q.E.D. Network came to start. And as part of that, it just made sense to be vocally out to the maths community. Something-something-be-the-change-you-want-to-see.

A moment I’ll never forget is that 5 minutes where we announced the queer lunch before the morning plenary – the initial dread of “well now all of BAMC knows I’m queer, RIP my working relationships I guess” which my formative years had instilled in me, which were quickly kaboshed by seeing faces light up in the crowd at the news. “Welp, I guess I’m accidentally being that role model I needed years ago” I remember thinking on the way back to my seat, “sorry they’re not as fabulous as I’d hoped”. And whilst I thought that then, I’m happy to say I’ve embraced that moment – so much so I’ll be doing it again at this year’s BAMC (but I probably will still not be as fabulous as I’d hope – can’t win them all…).  

So that’s where I’m at now – whittling away at trying to make the queer experience in mathematics better for the absolute stars in the community – and I want you to know there are so many safe and welcoming people here! In the half a year since we started the QED network, I have met a whole cast of positive role models at all career stages [2]. I hope as we get the wheels on this wagon, we can connect all these fantastic people together and show existing and aspiring queer mathematicians that not only is there is a place for them here, but this place rocks.

So welcome -  I’m Dan, and I’m Here and Queer!

[1] In fact, a recent colleague I came out to said “When I first met you, I thought you were gay, but then I met your [female] partner and chalked it up to you being from the South” – oddly, not the first time this has happened…

[2] One of my favourite interactions I wanted to share was a member of the community I reached out to that quickly devolved into Dungeons and Dragons references. The overlap between queer mathematicians and D&D players, it seems, is not small. QED&D when?