Teaching Children About Emotions

What are Emotions?

Emotions are unconscious mental reactions (such as anger or fear)

based on memories of previous experiences in a similar situation,

usually directed toward a specific object,

typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

PHYSIOLOGICAL CHANGES

Examples of physiological changes you might experience with some emotions

Fear: Increased heart rate, faster breathing, muscle tightness, nausea

Sadness: Crying, tightness in the chest, changes in breathing patterns

Happiness: Relaxed muscles, normal or slightly faster breathing

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body-love-makes-us-warm-all-over

BEHAVIOR CHANGES

Behavior changes are behaviors that are different from a person's regular behavior.

Primary Emotions - the unconscious part

Any one of a limited set of emotions that typically are manifested and recognized universally across cultures.

The list of primary emotions varies across different theories.

They often include fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, contempt, and surprise.

https://probaway.wordpress.com/2016/09/24/what-action-does-a-babys-emotion-generate-in-its-mother/

Feelings - the conscious part

Our emotions are our first reactions when we encounter something.

When we become conscious (thinking) of what is going on in our body and in our environment, then we give what we are experiencing a label.

What are you feeling? We can have more than one feeling at the same time. (Sensations, thoughts, feelings, urges) • Anger o Hurt o Threatened o Hateful o Mad o Aggressive o Frustrated o Distant o Critical  Embarrassed  Devastated  Insecure  Jealous  Resentful  Violated  Furious  Enraged  Provoked  Hostile  Infuriated  Irritated  Withdrawn  Suspicious  Skeptical  Sarcastic • Disgust o Disapproval o Disappointed o Awful o Avoidance  Judgmental  Loathing  Repugnant  Revolted  Revulsion  Detestable  Aversion  Hesitant • Sad o Guilty o Abandoned o Despair o Depressed o Lonely o Bored  Remorseful  Ashamed  Ignored  Victimized  Powerless  Vulnerable  Inferior  Empty  Abandoned  Isolated  Apathetic  Indifferent • Happy o Joyful o Interested o Proud o Accepted o Powerful o Peaceful o Intimate o Optimistic  Liberated  Ecstatic  Amused  Inquisitive  Important  Confident  Respected  Fulfilled  Courageous  Provocative  Loving  Hopeful  Sensitive  Playful  Open  Inspired • Surprise o Startled o Confused o Amazed o Excited  Shocked  Dismayed  Disillusioned  Perplexed  Astonished  Awe  Eager  Energetic • Fear o Humiliated o Rejected o Submissive o Insecure o Anxious o Scared  Ridiculed  Disrespected  Alienated  Inadequate  Insignificant  Worthless  Inferior  Inadequate  Worried  Overwhelmed  Frightened  Terrified

The primary emotions are in the wheel's hub.

Secondary emotions are outside of the hub.

Secondary emotions are the emotional reactions (the feelings) we have to our initial emotions.

For example, a person may feel ashamed as a result of becoming fearful or sad. In this case, fear or sadness would be the primary emotion, while shame would be the secondary emotion.

Brain Development

https://sites.duke.edu/apep/module-3-alcohol-cell-suicide-and-the-adolescent-brain/content-brain-maturation-is-complete-at-about-24-years-of-age/

Brain Maturation is Complete at About 25 Years of Age

The rational part of the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25 or so.

In fact, in relation to our teenage years, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part. This is true of younger children, also.

https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051

Emotional Development

Emotional development refers to the ability to recognize, express, and manage feelings at different stages of life and to have empathy for the feelings of others.

The development of these emotions, which include both positive and negative emotions, is largely affected by relationships with parents, siblings, and peers.

Cartoon pictures of 4 children at different ages with larger hearts at each age.

Some Examples of Emotional Development

Showing affection for others
Expressing awareness of their own feelings and those of others
Displaying self-control and management of emotions
Paying attention to and being observant of others
Forming healthy friendships
Expressing feelings through words
Exhibiting pride in accomplishments
Asking for help if needed, but showing independence when possible
Exhibiting a positive self-image
Learning from mistakes
Building healthy relationships with adults

-Emotional Intelligence-

Emotional Quotient (EQ)

The ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.

According to Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist who helped to popularize emotional intelligence, there are five key elements to it:

Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.

Emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at school and work, and achieve your career and personal goals. It can also help you to connect with your feelings, turn intention into action, and make informed decisions about what matters most to you.

Dr. John Gottman, a founder of the Gottman Institute, has researched some aspects of parent/child relationships. The research shows that children of parents who coach their children to increase their emotional intelligence are physically healthier, do better in school, and get along better with friends.

Children need the experience of feeling emotions and practice in tolerating them to develop self-control and emotional intelligence.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/strengthen-childs-emotional-intelligence/

How to "Emotion Coach" Your Child for Emotional Intelligence

One part is to model the behavior to our children ourselves.

Another part is to learn how to teach them based on their abilities at their developmental level.

The information on this page and the age-related pages found in the links below can help you with this.

What If My Child Struggles Emotionally?

As adults, when emotions like fear, anger, or sadness take over our brains, it is difficult to think rationally.

To regain control, we first need to calm ourselves down.

This is the same for children.

However, unlike adults, children's prefrontal cortex, which is the seat of adult rational thinking, is not developed.

They need help learning about and regulating their emotions and reasoning things out.

Traffic light - Red (Top) - Regulate, Yellow (Middle) - Relate, Green (Bottom) - Reason

The Three R's: Reaching The Learning Brain

Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D.

Beacon House Therapeutic Services & Trauma Team (2021)

First: We must help the child to regulate and calm their fight/flight/freeze responses. Second: We must relate and connect with the child through an attuned and sensitive relationship. Third: We can support the child to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and become self-assured.

Use the Brain Stoplight

to help your child handle something better or learn something.

The Consciously Parenting Project (Facebook)

Regulate

When our emotions control our brains, we react impulsively, without thinking. Depending upon what is happening, we can fight, avoid, or escape. The fight-flight-freeze response is your body's natural reaction to something it perceives as dangerous. It can be initiated by an oncoming car, a growling dog, or something we see as wrong about ourselves, others, or what is happening around us or others we care about (ex., failing math means I am stupid).

What to do? We need to regulate our emotions and teach our children how to regulate theirs. In interacting with an upset child, we might try to reason with them. When one or both are upset, reasoning does not work. We need to calm down our bodies. The first steps can be stepping away from what is happening (taking time out), practicing breathing and relaxation, using distractions, taking a walk - whatever works for you and for them. Make a calm-down plan for yourself and help your child create one for her/himself so you don't have to think at the moment about what to do. Maybe create separate calming corners or spaces for each of you.

Relate

When we and/or our child have calmed down, we connect with each other. Feeling attached to and trusting another person is integral to emotional wellbeing for children and for adults. When we relate, we move from reacting impulsively to mindfully responding to each other in a safe emotional place.

What to do? Set the stage to talk about what happened. ("I love you, and I am sorry that I yelled at you. I didn't know you were having a hard time. Come sit with me, and we can talk about what happened.)

Reason

This is the time where the parent becomes a teacher or mentor of communicating and problem-solving.

What to do?

Label the emotions.
- Model this behavior by labeling yours. ("I felt angry when you yelled and broke your toy", "When you weren't home by your curfew, I was afraid that something bad had happened to you.")
- Ask the child to label their emotions. ("What were you feeling?") You might need to help young ones more with this. Using pictures can help. Create an emotional thermometer to help talk about when they first become upset and how to problem-solve what they might do if their feelings progress. If they are too young for that, pictures of faces they can point to that match what they are feeling. (See below)
Listen.
- Allow your child to speak AND really, deeply listen to what your child is saying.
Mirror.
- Repeat what your child says to make sure your understanding is correct. ("What I am hearing you saying is [....] Is that correct?")
Problem-Solve.
- Help them problem-solve their issue, which can sometimes mean recreating how you relate to each other.
- Encourage them to come up with solutions themselves, ("If this happens again, what do you think you can do so you don't get this upset?", "So, what you did this time didn't work. What do you think might work better in the future?", "You're saying that when I do [...], you don't know how to handle it. What can I do differently to help you understand it better?")
Encourage.
- Remind your child that they’re resilient and competent. That they can play a part in changing bad situations. It can help to remind them of times in the past that they thought would be devastating but turned out for the best.
Rethink discipline.
- If you enacted a discipline when you were upset that is not reasonable, rethink it. It is okay to make a mistake and own up to it. Parents learn, too.
- Reasonable discipline teaches the results of their actions. It teaches self-control and self-restraint. It is not just punishment.
Reschedule, if needed.
- If you cannot come to an agreement or if one of you becomes upset again, make an appointment to discuss this at a later time. Both of you take a "time out" to calm down and think rationally.

1. Sea shore calm – relaxed, smiling 2. Feeling good – doing for me 3. Liking it – “In a groove.” 4. Okay stress – “Staying strong.” 5. Tense Stress – Head pounding 6. Resentful – “Can’t someone help?” 7. Feeling angry – “I’m a slave” 8. Danger ahead – Thoughts of revenge 9. Boiling over – Throwing things 10. Blind rage – Slapping, pounding fist

Blue – Sad or tired, I can ask for help, a hug, or a break Green – Happy, I am feeling good Yellow – Worried, scared, or anxious, I need to stop and breathe. I can also use a sensory strategy to relax Orange – Mad, I need to take a break and use a calming strategy Red – Furious, I need help to stay safe

When to Check-in with a Professional

If you are not sure what to do or if things don't get better, make an appointment with someone who can help you work things out.

You may have a sense that your child is struggling in certain areas of emotional development.

Keep in mind that the timeline for reaching emotional development benchmarks is somewhat individual and is not set in stone.

However, if you have not seen progress in skills for some time or if you suspect some regression, what can you do?

Preschool: You can ask your pediatrician for a referral to a developmental specialist. For children under about age three, you could also check for a local early intervention program to pursue an evaluation.

School-age: Contact your local school district if your child is older than three. Various types of evaluations and assessments may be used, depending on age and the area(s) of concern.

Typical goals of services include the growth of positive social-emotional skills and acquisition of communication skills and knowledge, along with the integration of developing skills.

https://empoweredparents.co/emotional-development-stages/

Mindsets

Your mindset is a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world, others, and yourself.

It influences how you think, feel, and behave in any given situation.

We begin to create our mindsets when we are children.

Two Mindsets are Fixed and Growth, which address our perceptions about abilities.

Fixed Mindset is Limiting • Avoids challenges • Ignores feedback • Threatened by others’ success • Desires to look smart • Gives up easily • Fixed abilities

“In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort.”

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment,”

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.