Frequently asked questions (F&Q)
If you are just starting to learn about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people (or if you are one) there are hundreds of questions you may have.
Below are just a few of the most frequently asked questions that people ask as they start on their journey of acceptance.
If you want to get more answers, try talking to someone at your local PFLAG chapter.
PFLAG offers local support and education all across the country. Members in PFLAG chapters know what you’re going through and can help. You may be experiencing an array of emotions such as grief, guilt, and denial, and you could be facing new questions about your relationship with your GLBT loved one. Whatever your reaction, remember that your loved one is sharing one part of his/her identity with you and is ultimately the same person as yesterday.
How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined?
No one knows exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity determined. However, experts agree that it is a complicated matter of genetics, biology, psychological and social factors. For most people, sexual orientation and gender identity are shaped at any early age. While research has not determined a cause, homosexuality and gender variance are not the result of any one factor like parenting or past experiences. It is never anyone’s “fault” if they or their loved one grows up to be GLBT. If you are asking yourself why you or your loved one is GLBT, consider asking yourself another question: Why ask why? Does your response to a GLBT person depend on knowing why they are GLBT? Regardless of cause, GLBT people deserve equal rights.
Is there something wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender?
No. There have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who have identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT). Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is agreed upon by both the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association. Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either. Being GLBT is as much a human variation as being left-handed – a person’s sexual orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are. There is nothing wrong with being GLBT – in fact, there’s a lot to celebrate. Discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that persist in our schools, workplaces, places of worship and larger communities, however, are wrong and hurt GLBT people and their loved ones. PFLAG works to make sure that GLBT people have full civil rights and can live openly, free from discrimination and violence.
How can I get support after a GLBT loved one has come out to me?
PFLAG offers local support and education all across the country. Members in PFLAG chapters know what you’re going through and can help. You may be experiencing an array of emotions such as grief, guilt, and denial, and you could be facing new questions about your relationship with your GLBT loved one. Whatever your reaction, remember that your loved one is sharing one part of his/her identity with you and is ultimately the same person as yesterday.
Can gay people change their sexual orientation or gender identity?
No. Efforts to do so aren’t just unnecessary – they’re damaging. Religious and secular organizations do sponsor campaigns and studies claiming that GLBT people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity because there is something wrong. PFLAG believes that it is our anti-GLBT attitudes, laws and policies that need to change, not our GLBT loved ones. These studies and campaigns suggesting that GLBT people can change are based on ideological biases and not peer-reviewed solid science. The American Psychological Association has stated that scientific evi- dence shows that reparative therapy (therapy which claims to change GLBT people) does not work and that it can do more harm than good.
How does someone know they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender?
Some people say that they have “felt different” or knew they were attracted to people of the same sex from the time they were very young. Some transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their gender identity did not match parental and social expectations. Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they are adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put a label to their feelings, or people’s feel- ings may change over time. Understanding our sexuality and gender can be a lifelong process, and people shouldn’t worry about labeling themselves immediately. However, with positive images of GLBT people more readily available, it is becoming easier for people to identify their feelings and come out at earlier ages. People don’t have to be sex- ually active to know their sexual orientation – feelings and emotions are as much a part of one’s identity. The short answer is that you’ll know when you know.
Should I talk to a loved one about his or her (their) sexual orientation or gender identity before the person talks to me?
It’s seldom appropriate to ask a person, “Are you gay?” Your perception of another person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) or gender identity (male or female) is not necessarily what it appears. No one can know for sure unless the person has actually declared that they are gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender. PFLAG recommends creating a safe space by showing your support of GLBT issues on a non-personal level. For example, take an interest in openly discussing and learning about topics such as same-sex marriage or GLBT rights in the workplace. Learn about GLBT communities and culture. Come out as an ally, regardless of if your friend or loved one is GLBT.
How do I come out to my family and friends?
There are many questions to consider before coming out. Are you comfortable with your sexuality and gender identi- ty/expression? Do you have support? Can you be patient? What kind of views do your friends and family have about homosexuality and gender variance? Are you financially dependent on your family? Make sure you have thought your decision through, have a plan and supportive people you can turn to. Just as you needed to experience different stages of acceptance for yourself, family and loved ones may will need to go through a similar process. PFLAG was founded because of the unconditional love of parents for their gay children. Your loved ones will need time to adjust to your news, the same way you may have needed time to come to terms with yourself. However, true acceptance is possible and happens every day, especially with education and support. There are several books and articles on the subject. Suggested reading: "It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying and Creating a Life Worth Living" - Dan Savage/Terry Miller. Also consider talking to someone from your local PFLAG chapter for more personalized tips and support.
Can gay people have families?
Yes! GLBT people can and do have families. Same-sex couples do form committed and loving relationships, civil unions and marriages. More and more GLBT couples are also raising children together, although state laws on adop- tion and foster parenting vary. And of course, many GLBT people have the support of the loving families they were born into, or the families that they have created with their other friends and loved ones. As the saying goes, all it takes is love to make a family.
How can I reconcile my or my loved one's sexuality with my faith?
This is a difficult question for many people. Learning that a loved one is GLBT can be a challenge if you feel it is at odds with your faith tradition. However, being GLBT does not impact a person’s ability to be moral and spiritual any more than being heterosexual does. Many GLBT people are religious and active in their own faith communities. It is up to you to explore, question and make choices in order to reconcile religion with homosexuality and gender vari- ance. For some this means working for change within their faith community, and for others it means leaving it. PFLAG offers a number of resources in this area, including our Welcoming Faith Communities project and our publication, Faith in Our Families.
Why should I support gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality?
GLBT rights are not special rights. PFLAG works to achieve equal civil rights for all people, including our GLBT loved ones. Our GLBT children, friends and family members deserve the same rights as our straight ones. However, dis- crimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity is still legal in many states, a GLBT person can be fired from their job simply because of who they love or how they express their gender, same-sex couples cannot legally be married in the majority of states in the United States, GLBT youth face constant harassment and abuse in schools across the country, and it is clear that the road to full equality and acceptance is a long one.