Wives Submit To Your Husbands. Really?

What could possibly go wrong? A man preaching on a passage that tells wives to submit.

If a wrestler is being held in a position from which he cannot escape, he can slap his hand on the canvas indicating that he submits. He is defeated. The fight stops. He is released.

Submission means “I am defeated”. Life is a contest for supremacy and the person who submits is the loser. A victor in battle might force his enemy to submit – maybe parading him through the streets in chains. Or, submission is linked with sexual domination. Think 50 Shades of Grey and similar.

And then the Bible says “Wives submit to your husbands”! Really? On the one hand, we have in mind those images and we cannot fathom how the Bible can say that. On the other hand, these sorts of passages have sometimes been used to justify exactly that sort of attitude – male domination. And it is no wonder that women can feel threatened by the whole concept. Is that what God is teaching?

Chapter 2 talked about people submitting to the governing authorities and slave submitting to their masters. Submission is a principle and wives submitting to husbands is another example. It is not unique to wives. In Chapter 2, I suggested that submission is the opposite of resistance. If resisting means pushing in the opposite direction, submitting means pulling in the same direction. If resisting means obstructing, submitting means cooperating. In my understanding, submission is largely about teamwork.

So, did God design marriage to be a wrestling match – a fight for supremacy – or teamwork? Marriage is not meant to be a contest or a competition or a conflict. It is meant to be cooperation. God created Eve to be a helper suitable for Adam – a good match – not an opponent, not someone to battle with but a companion, a helper.

But, in practice, we might see marriage as a wrestling match. We want to assert ourselves, be seen to be better, be seen to be right, be seen to be superior, and it becomes a battle. And then submission gets distorted into something God never intended. Submission becomes male dominance. It becomes abusive. It becomes selfish. It is all about me and you have to submit. It actually becomes resistance – me fighting you or competing with you. It becomes the exact opposite of what God intended.

God intended that a husband and wife so respect each other and love each other that serving each other is natural. Serving! Are we really meant to be servants? Yes. Like Jesus. We willingly serve the person we love because we are not competing, and we have nothing to prove except the depth of our love. We want the very best for our spouse and we will give up some of our own desires and preferences so that he, or she, can be blessed. Submission is simply about putting you ahead of me. That is love.

I said “simply” but it is not simple. We all tend towards selfishness. But as citizens of the Kingdom of God, we are called to be different: to put others first. Submission is a Kingdom thing.

V.1 says, “wives, in the same way, submit to your husbands.” In the same way as what? Well, it could be in the same way that we are all to submit to the authorities and slaves are to submit to their masters – just another example. But actually, what has come immediately prior (if you look at 2:21-25) is Jesus’ example. Jesus is the ultimate model of submission. When insulted, He did not retaliate. When He suffered, He did not threaten others with suffering. He was sinless yet He submitted to the shame of taking our sins in His body and submitted to death on a cross for our sins. Why? Because He loves us. It was so that we might be free from sin and live for righteousness. It was so that we might be healed. It was so that we who were like straying sheep, could return to the Shepherd. He submitted for our salvation.

Wives, be like Jesus. He suffered, leaving us an example that we might follow in His steps. Be like Jesus.

In 3:1 Peter tells us what should motivate wives: your husband’s salvation. Submit so that those who do not believe in Jesus might be won, not by your words but by your behaviour.

Presumably many women in these churches had unbelieving husbands. I know it sounds idealistic to think that they will become Christians because of the wife’s behaviour. I know that there is no guarantee of that. We cannot control how the husband will respond. That is his choice. But what is going help?

It might not be words. Some Christian wives nag their husbands to come to church or try to make every conversation spiritual or insist that they watch only Shine TV or keep putting the Hope Project booklet in a prominent place on the kitchen bench. And sometimes it simply makes the husband more frustrated, less appreciated and less interested.

What is more likely to make a difference? Love him. Jesus said people would know we are Christians by our love. Love will include sacrificing our own desires, sacrificing our time to serve, etc. Being loved and supported is far more likely to cause the husband to be curious about his wife’s faith and open to talking about it than being pressured. It might take a very long time. It might never happen. I am not saying that a husband’s lack of interest shows that his wife doesn’t love him enough. Again, we can only do what we can do. His response is his responsibility. But the teaching here is: wives submit to your husbands so that they might be won by your behaviour. Let them see purity and reverence.

True beauty is internal, not external. This passage is not saying that women should not have their hair down (is that the right word?) nicely and should not wear any jewellery. It is not saying that Christian women should look dowdy and forty years out of date. It is simply saying that it is not those externals that really make a woman beautiful. In God’s sight, real beauty consists of a quiet and gentle spirit.

I hate to admit it but we watched some episodes of Married At First Sight Australia. It is a thoroughly disgusting programme. The whole concept is disgusting. We watched it simply because it is a study in human behaviour. Our interest was entirely academic. One of the things that our research revealed was how glamorous these women were. They wore the most chic and most revealing clothing. They wore massive amounts of makeup. They flirted. But they could be incredibly nasty and foul and, frankly, immature. They looked pretty darned good on the outside but were horrible on the inside. Actually, even the externals were not always that great. Often it was just too much, too gaudy, too ostentatious.

I suspect it says something about the stupidity of men that they will be swept away by the externals when what is within can be pretty ugly. True beauty, Peter says, is a quiet and gentle spirit.

Anyway, let’s move on. Peter is exhorting Christian women to cultivate that inner beauty and to follow the example of the godly women of old who submitted to their husbands. In particular, he points to Sarah who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. Even that language grates. Couples now often do not want the word “obey” in their wedding vows and wives wouldn’t think of calling their husbands “lord” (although I insist on it at home).

Sarah wasn’t perfect by any means. She sometimes obeyed Abraham when perhaps she shouldn’t have. At least twice, Abraham asked her to lie, saying that she was his sister not his wife. She was a very beautiful woman. Abraham knew that some of the kings of the time would want her and might kill him to get her. So, he was willing to give her to these other men, on the basis that she was his sister, rather than lose his own life. Doesn’t that seem wrong to you? Yet she went along with it.

But even so, she wasn’t a doormat. She wore the pants sometimes (which is an interesting expression). She complained about how Abraham treated her. She suggested Abraham take Hagar as a second wife. Abraham agreed. Then, when Hagar got pregnant and began despising Sarah, Sarah blamed Abraham, and let him know. Later, Sarah demanded that Abraham get rid of Hagar. Abraham submitted.

And yet, Sarah was a woman of great faith. She is one of the few women listed in Hebrews 11. Having a child at the age of 90 was an act of faith. She believed that God would be faithful to His promises. She was a godly woman. She was a woman of faith and she did submit to, and honour, her husband. Just as Peter has said to these women, “be like Jesus”, he also says, “be the daughters of Sarah”. Love your husbands and therefore serve them, sacrifice for them, honour them.

What if the husband is abusive? Is the Christian wife still required to submit? I think that is a hard question because I don’t think there is only one answer. There will be times when God calls a wife to stay and serve. The people to whom Peter wrote were being persecuted but he still counselled them to submit. And there can be a powerful witness in submitting.

But other times, the wife should not stay in a situation in which she, or the children, are in danger. The Bible is not teaching that men can abuse their wives with impunity. Abuse, whether it is physical or emotional or verbal or sexual or whatever is contrary to both God’s law and to the law of the land. A wife is not required to be part of such law-breaking. The wise and godly thing might be to leave. While the Bible does say to submit (and there will be times when God calls us to turn the other cheek) it also says, “When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next” (Matt 10:23).

Husbands. Our turn. Now I risk getting myself into even more trouble. “In the same way”. Look at v.7: husbands, in the same way… God wants husbands to do exactly what He wants wives to do. God doesn’t use the word “submit” here although He does in Ephesians 5:21: “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. But look at what He does say.

Be considerate. Think about your wife. Think about her needs and her views and her emotions and her ambitions and her fears. Husbands, it is not all about you and your wants. Think about her. Men, we can only think about her needs etc if we have taken the time to know what they are. So this means, give your wife time, listen to her, get to know her.

But it doesn’t stop there, does it? Being considerate means you then act on the basis of what you know about her. Does she need your support in order to pursue her career? Then support her in that? Is it meaningful for her to receive flowers? Then give her flowers. (My record in that area is unparalleled!) Does she need time with you, or time away from the children? Sacrifice what you might you might otherwise have done, to give her that time.

The principles are exactly the same. Marriage is not a wrestling match in which you seek supremacy. It is about you loving your wife. Love her. Willingly sacrifice for her and serve her, just as Jesus modelled.

Then Peter says “respect her”. What does respect mean? Look up to her with admiration. This is not about men looking down on their wives. It is about men looking up to their wives. Respect her for her character, her intelligence, her skills, her faith. Recognise the quality and the preciousness of this woman God has given you. She is worth more than rubies.

It does say to respect her as the weaker partner. Undoubtedly that is referring to physical strength or maybe to a woman’s vulnerability in society. It is not suggesting inferiority in any way. She is weaker physically (generally speaking). The Caster Semenya case has illustrated that this week. And society can be tough on women so you respect her; you be her protector; you show her honour.

She is a joint heir with you of the gracious gift of life. In God’s sight, she is your equal. She too is made in His image with all of the worth that that implies. She too is a child of God. She too is one for whom Jesus died and over whom Jesus rejoices. She too is called to be a disciple of Jesus. She too has spiritual gifts that God has given so that she might minister to others.

Peter does not use the word “submit” but I think husbands are being called to honour their wives no less than their wives are called to honour them – and maybe even more.

So that nothing will hinder your prayers. Does that mean so that there is no barrier to the husband and wife praying together, that is, the relationship is close and open and trusting? Maybe, but it could also mean that when husbands are not honouring their wives in these ways, God does not hear their prayers.

Often marriages are wrestling matches – a fight for supremacy. It can also happen in churches. But God’s way is teamwork – people loving each other and naturally sacrificing for the sake of others.