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Hello! We are all at different stages of our journey in our relationship with an autistic partner/spouse so here you will find an eclectic collection of resources and information. Pick and choose the topics that are more relevant to you right now.
The London group have put together a very organised and informative website at https://ndlondonmeetup.wixsite.com/cassandraresource/websites
"Understanding the other person’s needs does not mean you have to give up on your own needs."
Marshall Rosenberg
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YOU ARE NOT BROKEN
Lisa Markwell, a counsellor from London, has a very interesting blog post on the cycle of distress. If you haven't got time for much else, don't miss the graphics! https://www.connections-counselling.co.uk/blog/cassandra-phenomenon-a-systemic-perspective/
Even though the Wall of Awful video is about ADHD, it seems to apply equally well to autism... or maybe our spouse/partner has both?
Even though the Wall of Awful video is about ADHD, it seems to apply equally well to autism... or maybe our spouse/partner has both?
On this video, a man with autism and ADHD and his girlfriend (who has ADHD) talk about relationship accommodations. Their previous video is at https://youtu.be/bZ-wCP4tjrg
On this video, a man with autism and ADHD and his girlfriend (who has ADHD) talk about relationship accommodations. Their previous video is at https://youtu.be/bZ-wCP4tjrg
"Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions are searched for."
"Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions are searched for."
MAYA ANGELOU
Matt Hutten explains different aspects of how a brain works due to autism and the issues that may cause in relationships.
We need to be really disciplined in our relationship! There is a very helpful discussion and tips around what happens when our ASD partners seem to stop trying to connect (around minute 9).
This is one of the videos in a series of very practical and informative series. Shauna is a neurotypical coach. Her husband is on the autism spectrum.
They have other videos in which they talk about how they repaired the relationship after affairs.
Do you feel you are in an abusive relationship?
This podcast shows a perspective on abuse in mixed neurotype relationships: When is it Abuse & Recovering from Abuse with Bob Hamp
Do you feel abused by your autistic partner?
Perhaps your partner has some personality, emotional or behavioural issue beyond autism. Here is a YouTube short with clear insights: youtube.com/shorts/1tPdRaY8fck
If you need support for abuse, please go to Further Support and find the service you find most appropriate for your situation.
The OCS model refers to Only Chasing Safety. Maybe next time our partner/spouse refuses to do something, shuts down or shuts us down, puts us down, procrastinates, etc. we may wonder whether their behaviour may be related to them not feeling safe and seeking more safety for themselves... which may make us feel terribly unsafe. The suggestion is to commit to try and find a way in which both of us feel safe.
Is it lack of empathy or is it poor Theory of Mind?
If you are going through "a low" in your relationship and/or you are looking for inspiration that will help you reconnect with yourself, feel free to download the free editable Companion for the Resilient Loving book by clicking the link below (the download starts right away when you click on the link):
Enjoy!
You can read the full e-book Resilient Loving FOR FREE with Kindle Unlimited (or buy it as an e-book, softback or hardback) at https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BTXHCRW2. You can also read 20% of Resilient Loving for free on Google Play Books.
Do you feel that your partner / spouse uses the diagnosis as a shield against any accountability or responsibility? Is that a regular pattern in the relationship or something that comes up under heavy stress or in times of high demands? Here is a great article for debate about this: https://medium.com/@noahmvale/when-a-diagnosis-becomes-a-shield-the-uneven-weight-of-responsibility-in-neurodivergent-cd0f77734bd1
On this video, David Derbyshire, the psychologist who used to lead Autism Heroes CIC Meetup group (now closed), answers questions from his wife about his very late diagnosis. It is really insightful and candid.
Books and films on Autism and Asperger's (as recommended by psychotherapist and couples' counsellor Eva Mendes, author of Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger Syndrome)
https://www.eva-mendes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Books-Movies-AS.pdf
Could your spouse or partner have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), a special autism profile?
Here is a very informative video: https://youtu.be/_sc0i-JID0M
This blog is aimed at parents of autistic children, but can certainly apply to adults, too: https://thebehaviorrevolution.com/50-reasons-for-confusing-behavior-in-kids-with-autism/
The message at amyelizabethgordon.com/healthy-family-communication-tips/ is not specific for NT/AS relationships, yet the initial question is still valid in our case:
"Did you know that when we communicate there are actually up to 4 conversations going on — simultaneously?
1. The one you think in your head.
2. The one you actually say.
3. The one the other person(s) hear(s).
4. The one you wish you had said."
The symptoms of autism trauma and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can look very similar.
So what's the overlap? And how are they different? Can childhood trauma cause autism? (Hint: No, there's a very important distinction)
Many times we speak about our partner's way of grieving (or their lack of grieving)
Here is a brief article about it: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/talkabout/articles/autism-and-grief/363315
Could it be codependency?
"Codependency is a deep emotional reliance on others for approval, self-worth and even a sense of existence. It is when your happiness depends not on you but on how others feel about you. It is when your boundaries are so blurred that you no longer know where you end and the other person begins... Codependency often stems from childhood experiences. Perhaps growing up in a dysfunctional family with parents who are emotionally unavailable, overly controlling or even neglectful. In such environments children learn that love must be earned through self-sacrifice. They become caretakers, pleasers and fixers placing the needs of others above their own because deep inside they believe that is the only way to be loved. But this is a lie, a painful destructive lie, and the first step to breaking free is to recognize it."
https://youtu.be/SsI-OsM6wt0?si=TQzRiSkxBjRH2rwd
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