Gone with the wind: a story based on a real-life mediation case
She, he and their three children will most likely have nowhere to return. Memories of the grandmother's house in a cozy town in the East, which they managed to turn into a modern and cool one by 2022 and of which they were proud, almost do not hurt anymore. Have been amputated…
Give me not what I want, but what I really need.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, "The Prayer"
They live near Kyiv in a rented house. Quite amicable.
They really try to support each other.
Serious disputes arose between family members in the winter, when the Ukrainians were informed that a complete blackout was possible. Kateryna insisted on the urgent need to immediately purchase housing: that it should be their own, that it could be heated in some affordable way, that it would provide transparent options for where to get enough water, and how to solve the problem of a toilet for five people.
Under such conditions, their money was only enough for a house in a village 280 kilometers from Kyiv, with a stove, a well... and the possibility of building a sewer in the future.
So, Kateryna insisted. Her husband, Danilo, and children, Max, Sonya and Ruslan, categorically disagreed. The sheet, divided in half for "pros" and "cons" and filled with small-written, weighty arguments, did not lead to agreement. Kateryna was on the verge of making a decision against the collective opinion of the family. She even made a secret deposit on the house without telling her husband. However, the fear that this could lead to the collapse of relations with relatives prompted her to seek mediation.
***
The agenda was set as succinctly as possible: "House".
Kateryna's position was: "If there is a blackout, if it even lasts for a week, a family with three children in a city apartment will not be able to cope with everyday challenges. In addition, the village will be safer during devastating winter shelling."
Danilo and the children answered, "We would give everything we have now for this house, and it will not save us; it will destroy our lives. Or it will become an expensive one-time fad."
Kateryna painted for those present the advantages of the "cherry garden near the house".
Danilo and the children asked rational questions: how much would it cost to get to work? Where will children study when the online classes end? How much will it cost to install sewage in the house, and will it be possible to do it at all? Will you not have to regret bitterly the rejection of the current housing because two significant spending articles will not fit the budget at the same time?
It seemed that Kateryna was persistent in her position but insecure. In favor of persistence was her words. In favor of uncertainty - the way she spoke was like an illustration of the postulate that words can lie, but non-verbal body language can not.
– Kateryna, let's take a little break from the discussion and dream a bit. Imagine that you and your relatives have come to an agreement on the purchase of a house, and you have already bought it. What would be your first action as its owner?
– I will change the number plates on my car.
Kateryna answered as if she had fired. Without any thought. Not using the conditional method. Without any connection with the previous context of the dispute.
– Tell us more about it?
– If we buy a house, we will be able to register in the Kyiv region. And this will give us the right to change the numbers on the car.
– Why is this so important?
– Because of our "eastern" numbers at every checkpoint, we are checked as foreigners! Because when it becomes known somewhere that I am from the East, I am asked if it is convenient for me to speak Ukrainian - maybe Russian would be better?! Because I remember how worried I was that while looking for a job in Kyiv, my husband and I would be rejected because we are from a region that some people still hold responsible for what is happening!
– We hear that it is important for you to feel like you belong among your own people. It is important for each of us.
– It is important.
– We understand that this is a sensitive topic for you, but if you don't mind, let's look together at the situations that have been cited as examples of triggers because of their involvement in the East.
– Fine.
– Then we are not asking you now as a woman, but as a specialist working in the field of human rights, do you agree? Does it make practical sense to check cars with license plates from regions where active hostilities are taking place more carefully?
– Yes. They can carry illegal weapons, for example.
– Then there was the question about the language. The offer you talked about, we hear, caught you. But did it have any consequences? What communication option did you and your interlocutors choose?
– I simply answered that I and my whole family use Ukrainian.
– That is, that proposal was not about rebuke, really?
– No. Maybe I was just afraid to hear it, that's why I heard it.
– You also talked about your fears about work. Can yoy tell us a little about it?
– In fact, everything was fine. I scared myself a little. I was very worried. But everything went fine. Both for me and for my husband. My final interview was even full of support.
– So, it turns out that sometimes you scare yourself with catastrophic predictions, and then everything happens normally. However, the feeling of anxiety remains, and it is connected to your small homeland. Does it?
– I didn't think about it before. Maybe, there was some kind of feeling. But it looks like it is. And it seems that we need to start working seriously on this.
– Will buying a house help overcome this situation?
– I'm afraid that will only cause more problems.
– And what are you going to do with the blackout?
– In fact, I have already thought of everything. In addition, I have Danilo, so with him, you can survive any blackout...
***
The family refused to buy the house with relief. Kateryna said that, of course, she would try to return the deposit, but even if she failed, she would consider it an inoculation against impulsive decisions.
Wearing down jackets and pulling on hats, adults and children loudly shared the tricks they had come up with to help cope with the lack of heat and light, "if it happens…"
And it was very nice to hear that now they are discussing the task that unites them. And to see that they are very happy to do it.
Author: Olha Tiurina, mediator
