My Involvement

Full  content to Follow Shortly

Short version is:

1. Previous experience as a Christian, good and bad.

2. My research interest and connecting with Hillman

3. Early respect for and from Hillman 

4. Warning signs

5. Greek Lessons in and out

6. Eviction from Myth and Lore

7. Fellow cult watchers and increasing understanding

8. Sisters of Frustration: control of his narrative and image

9. Wider connections

Early life and Experiences in the Church

Born in 1959 and raised in a non-religious family, so at age 14, I founded the Atheist Society at Grammar school. But as I turned 15, I had my conversion to Christianity soon followed by "Baptism in the Holy Spirit" with speaking in tongues and joined a small house church. This was in the mid 1970's at the height of the Charismatic Renewal in the UK and we had some memorable, intense experiences in what appeared to be a timeless "Presence" of Love (no drugs needed either).

I met my now husband, Chris, studying at London University (me Chemistry B.Sc, him Music, B.A), married and set up home near this house church which had grown into four congregations around the town, each with an elder and wife in oversight. One in particular, took Chris under his wing and helped him through some personal issues with great pastoral wisdom, forming a strong attachment. This elder had a way of helping several of the single young people who likewise formed a strong attachment. I never did form any bond with him and he had no time for me, either. I sensed there was something inauthentic about him. For reasons that were unclear at the time, this elder felt he had to leave the church, and those with whom he had bonded, left with him and looked to him for leadership. We also joined him with the first two of our five children.

This was the beginning of 25 years of 100% devoted service and sacrificial support in all ways to this man and his vision. Chris was his right-hand man with many responsibilities, but no say in any decisions that all came from this self-appointed leader with accountability to no-one. We trusted his "Moses-style" leadership of going up the mountain to get instructions direct from God, and enthusiastically supported his next initiative because it was often aimed at helping poor, single parent families in the deprived neighbourhood where we met. He operated a strict "no criticising rule" and high expectation to attend all meetings - there were eight in the week for a time! Two week summer holidays were spent together in groups of farm cottages or a converted mansion so that he could be a father with his favourite children gathered round the table to listen to his wisdom and agree with everything he said. I was grateful I had the care of my children to excuse me from these times because I hated the artificiality of these echo-chamber sessions where anyone who tried to express a difference of perspective was shown their inadequacy and obliged to agree with the pastor. Something was not right.  I did not dare voice my strong disagreements with how he "interpreted" and misquoted the Bible and kept my thoughts to myself with private study in many relevant fields, teaching myself Greek and questioning hard many of the standard Christian doctrines. I had previously helped at the Wycliffe Bible Translators HQ for a couple of summers befriending the translators and learning the principles of sound hermeneutic methodology for accurate translation. My studies were increasingly disassociating myself from the evangelical fundamentalism and Christian Orthodoxy I had assumed was "true."

When Chris finally felt he needed to privately address some issues that were hurting other people, instead of receiving this much needed request for adjustment, the affable Dr Jekyll revealed the true Mr Hyde that had previously manipulated other mature people out of the church. I won't repeat all details of our story, since they can be found in the website we wrote as part of our healing process when we finally left and were shunned by all. However, during nine months of forked tongued sermons designed to isolate and blacken us while cohering the loyal more closely around him, we went online to try to understand what had hit us. We discovered information on Spiritual Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the codependent relationships that form. This subtle, but high-control, self-protective arrangement of an unaccountable leader are the essential characteristics for the formation of a personality and/or doctrine cult. Bingo.

I will add that our website was written with a view to warning other Christians to recognize the signs of cult-like churches. However, with different jargon, vision and recipients of worship (or none) other than the leader, impartation of unique insights, techniques of mind control and indoctrination, the cementing of loyalty and purging of those who will not conform, cult-like control can easily cross over into any group of humans with a dominant leader with no, or very limited accountability. These were valuable lessons I would draw from later. I now no longer identify as having any religion.

Research and Connection with Hillman

After our exit we found community online, initially through a LinkedIn friend involved in pushing back at presumed patriarchal prohibitions imposed on Christian women. Here is where I practised and had considerable success with using the sound exegetical principles I had learned and was a useful contributor. But it also ignited a desire to discover what these and other apparently abusive passages were really about. This began a surprisingly rich journey through wide ranging research that led me both into understanding the related issues … and also completely out of Christianity.

Here is not the appropriate place nor time to divulge the details of my research. However, through extensive reading of the relevant original source texts, and attention to some of the accredited critical scholarship, I became convinced that the mentions of libertine behaviour in the NT texts (which were all completed in the second century) were addressed not to wayward Christians being drawn back into their previous Graeco-Roman worship, but were warnings not to engage with groups infiltrating the early Christian assemblies. One could use the umbrella term, "Synagogue of Satan" for them being rebutted for libertine and unloving behaviour and wild prophesying. The pairing of porneia, “idolatry/sexual libertinism” with akatharsia, “uncleanness” in the NT could infer the practice of the semen communion. Other inferences can also be found in some of the second century texts of the Apostolic Fathers. Several Nag Hammadi Library Tractates were indicating this practice and also accorded with the heresiological explanations of their threefold division of men into different races according to differing ontologies derived from different primordial progenitors. This system fitted well with my observations in the second century additions to NT texts, including what had been assumed were the original Pauline Corpus. (I am in agreement with the ongoing Marcion research made public on the Patristica Channel and Discord). 

A valuable by-product of my research and introduction to good critical scholarship on YouTube was the realisation that nothing in the Bible had the Divine Inspiration with which the Church had credited it. Once the Bible was off its pedestal, then came the realisation that all the doctrines and dogmas and claims derived from it are mere human opinions with no “reality” - no divine Saviour, no Salvation, no Hell, no Heaven, no YHWH, no coming Apocalypse, etc. (I will credit the texts with some sound wisdom, beautiful poetry and historical glimpses which good archeology and external textual evidence could confirm.) This knowledge has cemented my non-belief in any deities.

Early respect for and from Hillman

Because there are indications in the second century NT textual additions that the infiltrated groups were using entheogens, my interest was piqued when I encountered videos of Prof. Carl Ruck, Brian Muraresku and Dr Ammon Hillman being interviewed online. I read and was impressed by the Chemical Muse and emailed Hillman with a brief rundown of my research into the rival Christians mentioned in the NT texts. This was in September 2022. When he read my email, his immediate response was very positive, wanting to arrange a zoom meeting the next day. 

 Hillman was impressed sufficiently with our converstaion and arranged another zoom discussion with Dr Carl Ruck and himself to discuss the semen communion. This happened in early November and I was also introduced to another Briton who had followed Ammon throughout the previous two years. Throughout November and December I had some very positive, scholarly email exchanges with Hillman talking as research peers, mutually sharing some discoveries in the literature which we had found in common.

I was honoured as “Lady Rowan” by Hillman and invited to join the Myth and Lore Discord where Lady Babylon had a tab. I was included in a group chat with the "senior" people among around 50 others who were already enthusiastically interacting there. I joined in as BacchanAli and enjoyed exploring and interacting on the wider site, learning from others’ research and interests and contributing my own. The LadyBabylon666 shows began in January 2023 and fairly soon Hillman asked if I would like to be one of his first group of Greek Students. He is an excellent teacher of the language and also an intriguing presenter in his twice weekly shows. I would listen, fascinated by the new material and disappointed that the live airing and after show chat always happened in the small hours for me in the UK. 

One of the creators of a sister show, opened a space for deeper exploration styled as a Greek mystery cult with an initiation procedure. Hillman was encouraging people to be initiated into this Ordo Serpentis Rosae, but I, as an English woman in her sixties married for almost 40 years, was not going to shave my head/cut it short (since it was, already) nor take a new sexual partner, which were the two paths offered for women. Guys had only to post a picture of their heads shaved. I didn't enquire about the other initiatory procedures, but found out later what they were and a little of what they did together.
In February, he produced a live stream, originally called "Ordo Serpentis Rosae" as encouragement for more in Myth and Lore to be initiated and explore the Mystery in this select group. I am told it closed down after my active time there and later, as numbers iof new people ncreased numbers, ther was a need to hide its former existence. Evidence of the change in the thumbnail being redesigned as "Apocalypse Rose" is seen in the slightly different yellow hue of the background.

 
The call for volunteers was made to record an interview by Ammon for an appearance on one of his shows, answering three questions. Hillman responded with this email:

Growing unease and Warning signs

I had originally thought that Hillman was sometimes over enthusiastic and forgetful of details when recounting scenes from the gospels. I had heard him on a show on the Gnostic Informant Channel in 2022 retelling the scene involving Jesus touching the little children, and thought he had accidentally confused who was saying what. He said that the parents were telling Jesus to stop touching their children, whereas they had brought their children to Jesus for him to touch/lay hands in blessing on them and it was the disciples who were telling the parents not to bother him. I was bold enough in my very first email to him 30 Sept 2022 to suggest he check the sources, even writing them out for him, and to revise what he was saying because it contradicted all three gospel accounts of that incident. I was genuinely jealous for him, that he should give no occasion for detractors to dismiss what he was saying, through this simple inattention to detail. Although his response was positive about my research into the libertine rivals to the church, he had also ignored my concern over his own telling of the "touching" of the children. He has often repeated this incorrect version since then - even altering the locuteurs correctly to be the disciples, but the one they were reprimanding was still Jesus, who was angry with them. This is still not what the texts themselves relate and came across to me as more than mere inattention to detail.

I kept the disquiet to myself for a while, but as the teaching progressed, I found that it became essential to check the lexicon carfully and trace the quotations if I could. They were always shown in Greek, often not referenced nor easily traceable, making it a matter of trust that he was translating with integrity. There were many aspects of his methodology, which no accredited translator would employ, and omsission of other aspects which were essential to ensure a measure of reliability. I had had enough experience with careful exegesis and prior scholarly correction of it to hone my skills, to have some confidence in my assessment. My own research into very many aspects of the relevant cultures, history and laws of the early centuries in which the church was growing, and learning from the wealth of secular critical scholarship into the writing and dating of the NT texts, also gave me a reliable yardstick to measure his retranslations. Despite his prolific polemic against "Biblical scholars" as mere theologians promoting the Church's fairy tale about Jesus, this is not at all representative of every scholar with an interest in these texts who analyse them with all the requisite skills like they would do for any other ancient text. 

For the task of translation, it is essential to employ all the skills of good Hermeneutics of which Philology is only one component. Hillman is, indeed, a highly qualified and admirable Classical Philologist and his love for the language and culture it has nurtured is infectious. But this does not justify him claiming such superiority in Philology that it supercedes the rules of sound hermeneutical methodology and even discredits the painstaking work of experts in other fields of which he has scant knowledge. And yet, such justification is repeatedly made - are so are the resultant inconsistencies of his translations.

When I did start asking questions in the Discord public tabs about the mismatch of the facts in the texts and what Ammon was claiming they said, what I found disconcerting was the lack of any serious engagement with my questions. I was haunted by the memory of my ex-pastor at the farmhouse table, for not even out of his presence did anyone feel free to discuss with any constructive criticism what he was saying. This cult-like control of an unaccountable leader of his followers' thoughts and interactions is not healthy. Such leaders have a firm hold on a "loyalty choke chain." Later, I was to witness the inevitable evolution of this control into shunning and unjustified slander since this is par for the course. But I was grateful, in a strange way, for the knowledge and character gained from my previous painful experience. Therefore, I expected it and hold no resentment against the human tools of the leader's need to protect his own image and agenda.

Greek Lessons, in and out

Although I had gained some knowledge of the language as an autodictat, I relished the structured, patient, encouraging and excellenty presented lessons he gave his students, some of whom were complete beginners. It is evident he both loves and excels in teaching his favourite subject and enthused all nine students to study diligently. 

But it was during this time that I was beginning to pose my challenges to his narrative about Jesus, posting on Feb 17th a summary of my concerns about elements which facillitated the reimagining of the character and activity of Jesus in his ministry and at his arrest. These were:

• the use of Nonnus' Paraphrase of John, a fictitious 5 th c. CE text, as an actual historical account of events and speeches. 

• his translation of sindon (fine cloth of any material shape and size) as a medicated bendage without ever showing a source text for it.

• his translation of leistes, ignoring the change of meaning in Koine Greek compared to Classical and many other factors which negate it.

• ignoring the patently logical derivation of the Hebrew name Gethsemane from the Hebrew Get (olive) and shemen (press) for there is a grotto that housed an Olive press at this location and also a Mikvah for purifucation before processing oil for use in the Temple.

• translating chamai (to the ground) as "on him" in order to both nullify the alleged divine power Jesus had that made the soldiers fall backwards "to the ground," and to aid the impression that the soldiers "went to his back" and fell "on him" as if he were a desperate criminal trying to evade capture

• I repeated my concern that hapto in the gospel narratives cannot mean "molest" as Hillman alleges and his report of the incident is not corroborated by any of the gospel accounts.

Despite others being present, these two respondents were cult aware and also did not stay when I was eventually ejected. I had not spoken to anyone in Myth and Lore of my concerns over cultish behaviour other than with the former client of John Price, with whom I had first connected. He opted to remain in the group until Oct 2024, before leaving. On the 18th, I messaged Hillman, wanting to have a good talk with him. No response.

The host of the sister show asked to interview me on my previous experience in the abusive church and was also intersted in my research. Although welcoming the opportunity to talk about my research for the first time, publicly, I knew its potential for being a blanket negation of all of Hillman's theory. At the time (5th Mar) there had been some drama in the Discord with Hillman abruptly ordering an ethnic Jew to leave Lady Babylon for some seemingly illogical reasons about some recent posting he had done. But talking to the host, the following day, I learned there had been several disagreements between Hillman and the ejected member and he had decided that following Hillman was no longer for him. Hillman had previously announced there would be no Greek lessons that week, but to do revision. I had been concerned that also on that day, Hillman had written a slightly condescending comment to me about how I had responded on the 2nd to an enquiry. In my answer, I had mentioned on passing, that the Greek word, kosmos, could mean peoples of the world. (This is because it had gained an additional semantic in Koine Greek in which the entire Bible is written, hence it meant that both authors and readers would be less likely to write or understand certain words intending their older Classical connotations.) 

The following day, (for me) I saw Hillman's response, and thought to not let it lie, because this was an important point to make which effects the translations of NT texts on which he was basing his theory. I messaged him again, wanting to talk and made a courteous comment in the public thread pointing out that 51 times in the NT, the connotation of "peoples" could be given to kosmos and reminded him of the Evangelicals' favourite verse, "For, God so loved the World (kosmos) ... " I shared this concern about ignoring semantic shift with the host and because of the tension, I expressed my retiscence about sharing my research and consequently to be seen as an overt opponent to Hillman's project, prematurely, since he had not yet fully developed all of his ideas, and I might even find reason to support him as he proceeded. I expressed this reservation to the host, as well as some other logical points from the NT texts that stood in the way of accepting Hillman's theory. On the following day (7th) at Hillman's request, the impartial admin of Myth and Lore, locked the Lady Babylon tab and later informed us that he was being given confusing guidelines on how to moderate it.

I continued feeling uneasy, but decided to continue highlighting factual anomalies with Hillman's interpretation. I am also transparent, here with my attitude to my former pastor and his codependents - the same attitude I hold towards Hillman and his codependents. I had some encouraging responses, one of them from one of my fellow Greek students I knew was in the Ordo (in fact, most of them were initiates, unknown to me). In the third of the screenshots below, mention is made of one of the participants who had participated in the fight night hosted publicly in the show the previous Friday. It was a verbal combat judged by Hillman to have most effectively answered his three questions. All of these were designed to stir hatred towards Christianity and the abuses that certian doctrines inflict.

Having been recommended to revise, the keener Greek students agreed times to go through some exercises together while Hillman was absent. So, on the 9th, I arranged to meet with another student in the public Discord chat room. Another student saw we were there and joined us. Unexpectedly Hillman appeared with the other students who were also initiates in the Ordo. I was certainly not expecting what next transpired as Ammon angrily called out someone there who said he could not teach Koine Greek. Because it wasn't anything I had said, I did not immediately realise he was addressing me, by which time he was yelling that this person should leave immediately - he wasn't going to name them since they knew who they were and continued shouting. Since It would have become obvious who left, I decided to try to say something, but I was slipping into a state of shock by then and could not say anything coherent. For everyone's sake, I left, very shaken by the onslaught. While recovering my composure, I sent the following to the host who knew about the treatment I had received from the Narcissistic pastor of my former church. Although the words are strong and I was groping for ways to understand it, nevertheless, this is the most reasonable way I could make sense of it form my experience in the server. 

I copied it to several others who had been my friends in the Greek Class, with a disappointing silence in return. Later enquiries revealed that all present were initiates in the Ordo where a vow to the Great Mother is made and to the unquestioning support of Hillman. No wonder.

One student usually recorded the lessons, so I asked him on the off chance, if he had caught what had happened. He said he was not anticipating it and by the time he had set it up for recording, it was virtually over. But since there were a good number there, Hillman had composed himself and did an excellent revision lesson with them, which was recorded. I listened to it, but was alarmed at the very end when he apologised to the group for "the purge" - a strange term whose meaning I was to discover later. He concluded, almost gleefully with, "I have no boss: I can do whatever I want." Should this be a desirable trait in a leader? Just like my ex-pastor, too. I do find it ironical that Hillman rails at Trump as the "Orange Tyrant" whose Project 2025 includes plans to overturn yet more legal restrictions on the power of the Executive, while Hillman, himself, is exercising all the privileges and unaccountable power of a tyrant!

This student also revealed a reason they were given was that I was still stuck in my Christian ways and the other evictee, still stuck in his Jewish ways! Both accusations being completely untrue since the real reason is clear that neither of us would become uncritical members of his echo-chamber.

Eviction from Myth and Lore

Now that the cult dynamics within relationships in the group were as plain as day to me, I wanted to warn my friends who were being swept along into what I knew would become a snare, but quite unaware of how they were being manipulated. This is standard procedure for this type of codependent relationship to a dominant leader who needs the adulation which the underlings give. Although I found the interactions and information in the wider Myth and Lore healthy and informative, the Lady Babylon tab was still locked. Much as I hadn't wanted to, the only place left open to me to continue whistle-blowing, was in the general discussions tab.  So, I continued to raise questions hoping to generate discussion and some critical thinking about the material and restrictive dynamics in the group. The admin of the server did assure me that he would be monitoring for any violation of the server rules, but that I was not violating any. I have included our public converstion in full for my reader's judgement of the attitudes being expressed and the lack of hostility there was. I hope it is clear what my motivation was - and still is to pursue the course I have been on ever since March 2023. I have nothing to hide and my conscience remains clear in everything I said and how I have conducted myself, throughout. I hope the evidence here speaks for itself.

Watching from afar

The extent of the dysfunction and manoeuverings going on to "purge" challengers to the given narrative had caused grave concern in others who were cult aware. So the other evictee, opened a space in his own Discord server for us to gather and try to work out what was going on and where it all was heading. The numbers of us being actively involved waxed and waned over the months, as other priorities took over in people's lives. But a core remained stalwart as Hillman developed his teaching. A particularly manipulated episode implied that Cyril of Jerusakem had written instructions to sodomize orphan boys in a horrendously misguided belief that their souls could only be saved if they resisted the devil during the procedure. It stirred outrage in the group, but even more so in me when I traced the texts he was supposedly quoting from and found nothing of the abuse he alleged was written there. I was very concerned that Neal Sendlak, the Gnostic Informant, was jeopardising the credibility of his channel since he had assisted in the visuals for this show. Therefore, I emailed his close friend and YouTube creator, Derek Lambert of Mythvision, and left the information with his wisdom and discretion to use as he saw fit.

Hillman's emerging rhetoric began to signal a potentially alarming agenda. His teaching on the way of Cain, justified the necessary sadism and pederasty required to perform the Mystery rite and that he expressed his vision to have a new museum where the Mystery could be offered to the World. He said there was a Mr Sahdow who could agree to facilitate it. When he was inteviewing a toxinologist and another MD in December 2023, seriously enquiring over the physiological effects of various toxins and venoms, it seemed this was what he was, indeed, planning to do. 2023 closed with a vote on Jesus's guilt on a cleverly concelaed charge of him profiteering from, and not actually because he practiced the mystery. This had, in fact been a repeated accusation madw against greed associated with an imagined gangster operation he was running and creating profit for himself out of the Mystery the Muses had revealed. The alleged guilty verdict expressed in the live chat was 93% (in truth it had been far higher). But this was the number of Crowley's Thelema with its cardinal maxim: "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" (to fulfill your destiny).

2024 opened with a strange charade where Hillman acted as himself and as the Devil, emphasising the 93 and commissioning him with the key to start the Apocalypse. He also mentioned that there would be people in his congregation who would find sick, sick acts interesting and strangely attractive. When he announced at the end of January that Mr Shadow had agreed, it is not difficult to imagine that serious concern grew among the small group of us watching.

Sisters of Frustration: Control of the narrative

All through this time, I continued adding detailed comments in the public comment threads of the LadyBabylon666 shows pushing back at inaccuracies and blatant misrepresentation of facts. On the rare occasion I awoke naturally in the early hours, I participated in the live chats. But it was obvious that my voice there was not welcome either since Ammon or his moderators would obscure my comments from public view by flagging them for moderator review. I could still see them from my own YouTube account, but another viewer could not. If someone had seen and replied to my comment before it was obscured, I could engage in a useful exchange. Even here, the moderator would obscure my reply from public view, so that a string of responses to my points were all that were visible. This gave the impression to another reader that the one defending Hillman's narrative was proposing argumant after argument to which I had no answer, whereas I had in truth, fully refuted each point. Beneath a comment when there are a string of replies, the number of them is indicated in blue. When my replies were obscured, this did not alter the blue number, but a count of the visible replies would prove that some were hidden. The two screenrecordings below are typical of what can be hidden by the moderators or Hillman, himself. Before them, I have also included an example of my posting in the Live chat. I caught the stream before the show started so had time to put down a substantial amount of factual information. But the response from the people who saw it is, also typical of the non-engagement with my information - only a mindless repetition of the narrative given by Hillman. (Incidentally, Hillman is showing clips from Lucian's Alexander, the false prophet, written contemporaneously to the gospels, thinking he has scored a goal with this text, for he uses leistes describing some pirates who did engage in people trafficking. But, he would not be totally honest with his congregation that Lucian was writing in the older Classical form of Greek where this "pirate" connotation of leistes did exist. But all of the Biblical texts are written in Koine Greek - a newer development of Greek where menaings of many words experienced a semantic shift. Leistes was one of those words, so that "pirate" was no longer understood as the intended meaning. Even less likely would anyone imagine that it was meant to mean "child-trafficker"!

To prevent me adding facts before the show started too often, I noticed that Hillman did not give notice of an upcoming stream until half an hour beforehand - when I would be sleeping. But now that I am blocked completely, he has reverted to the longer notification period.

I employed another tactic where instead of posting my own comment which would give immediate notification to the moderators, I would put my comment in a reply to another commenter from his group. When I was able to engage with one of his people it was illuminating at times to hear them accusing me of the same few slanders. It appears these had been said within the privacy of their Discord, as a means of discrediting me as a person or my motives, thus making them disregard my comments. Hillman then encouraged his people to put a personal block on receiving replies from me. I know this because my attempts had not posted upon refreshing the page.

Hillman's next step towards "frustrating" my efforts came when for my own use, I had been taking hundreds of one minute clips from his shows, but he then made me a "hidden user" which stopped that facility for me. But I compiled clips I had already generated into a document that was the basis for the current refutation of Mk14:51-52 on this website and posted it in the r/AmmonHillman subreddit. It generated a fair amount of response - and it seems was too revealing of his manipulations. So, within a couple of weeks, all of the clips in it and also those which I had stored in my YouTube account became "unavailable" to other viewers because he had now blocked me completely. 

Yes, he thought he had succeded at completely frustrating my effectiveness to spotlight his errors. But even Hillman cannot interfere with screen recordings, which is now my method of providing evidence from his own mouth.

Finally, it was not a wise move on Hillman's part to nickname me "Sisters of Frustration" since it betrays his own hand in taking these measures to frustrate my message reaching his codependents. Home goal, sir. Points to me. 

Wider Connections