(Talking about his children) Later they become lying liars who lie.
Rousseau tells you about himself and it's terrible and you wish he wouldn't.
That’s why people with souls are so small, you can find their soul in the pituitary gland.
The overcat!!!
(Talking about Thus Spoke Zarathustra Part Four) The party was so off the chain even the donkey was drunk!
Pubic policy!
Anyone can make a movie trailer these days. I can’t, though.
Does this crank have anything to say?
If you want someone to find you attractive, suck an oyster out of a shell!
(Talking about Kant) He’s been called the granddaddy. Full stop.
It’s the economy, stupid.
My recurring dream is I’m in hell and I’m being flogged by all the philosophers I got wrong.
How much are you liking this lecture! Don’t answer!
Here’s Spinoza again! Super fun time! I like Spinoza.
(Talking about Mill) He’s trying to be an ally here!!
Children love to play with blocks; building and destroying them. Not my children though, they are both autistic.
There are two groups: screw and screw it.
(Talking about being stressed with finals) I’m going to prescribe some Bob Marly!
Politics is the tragedy of our time!
When you go to the hospital it’s kinda like a mall now. Why is there a Tim Hortins?
This is why I don’t like human resources. I’m not a resource!
(Talking about Hannah Arendt) She calls Heidgeggar an alien guest!
(Talking about Mona Lisa) Leave me alone, lady!
And the Oscar goes to… Plato!!
Transformer! It’s a machine!
When your partner says something, say: “I hate this!”
What, politics? It’s below me!!
You know what your problem is? You’re uncooked!!
Tom and Jerry, they fight! But they are friends!!
Pierre Elliot Trudeau is the Castro of the North
Mr. Bozo. I’m sorry, Mr. Bezo. But, he is a bozo.
Who’s the executioner? Mr. MacIsaac with his style guide!
I never go to Costco for the same reason. It’s not a military camp!
(About 9/11) Nobody could make a joke about it. Not even SNL!!
Can I have a larger cubicle because I have asthma? No, you can't!
Awww you should be so proud of your daughter! That devil?!
You are only as good as your last essay!
I hate it when people say, “I was wondering.” You’re supposed to wonder all the time!
Fuck you Socrates!
Fine ignore me, I just dont give a fuck.
A nice house, a nice couch and lots of sex, I want sex.
This is a penis speech.
I want to have sex with this dog..... okay that was too much.
Do you like to rock and roll? I hope you do… because Hegel is rocking and rolling.
I'm old — I'm going to dominate you!
The Bible portrays him as kind of... a simp.
You all will continue on muleishly with your erroneous ways.
He didn’t skip Leg Day!
Happiness — Tennis? Study? Sex? Contemplation of God?
I’m afraid his (Aristotle’s) argument is kind of lame.
Nobody gives a fuck about platonic metaphysics.
I’m a weak man.
I’m going to be a daddy for a moment.
I don’t know, I just read Plato.
This is a penis speech. This is a, I want to have sex with you, speech.
It hard to understand why Frankenstein wouldn’t create life with Elizabeth. Sex is easy and it’s FUN!
Blue cheese is yum-yum.
Kant, the grand-daddy of art.
What was the O.G. Socrates about?
Dingbat!
The great philosopher Ricky Gervais.
Polly wants a trinity!
His fundamental beef...
Flip that shit Barry.
Peak speaking to peak.
Sardines in a being-box
(chuckles)... I am a mischievous man..
I'm pretty zonked myself.
I don't like Saddam Hussein for a variety of reasons...
The word is the people around you.
I wish Kanye West was like Saint Augustine.
Imagine being in space? I would kill myself first day.
I even have Black friends... how racist!!
Thank God I didn't curse you in Persian.
Mr. Suckerberg ha cause he sucks the life outta you!
Man is pickle!!
Lounge Quotes
It's not homophobia, she's just crazy.
Trump was right — somewhere between the blowjob and the salute.
I like to rawdog life.
Your man cannot claim to love you and be with five other girls.
Imagine if I started lactating really hard right now.