Sitting in your room with your Homer Simpson bong and your dad comes in and says 'Get off your ass' and you say, 'Fuck off Dad I’m high! and I want to be high' and your friend next to you says, 'You tell him!'
Wouldn’t it feel good to throw a beer bottle at me because I'm just an old fart?
When you’re 19, 20 and you’re filled with testosterone or whatever the testosterone is in women 'Sir, women have testosterone too'
I have a nemesis. He's dead—I didn't kill him!
Nature fucks things up
As you can see, I’m allergic to combs
Ya! Ba’al is life!
Augustine sucked and cried
We’re all fucking egoists when we’re children
Depending on where the comma is, a panda turns into a shooter at Denny’s
You have turned ducks into alcoholics which is problematic… I suppose
I refuse to go on the internet and type out: ‘Where are all the young people at?'
My wife says I'm flypaper for freaks
I'm a difficult person
(On plagiarism) It's a terrible crime, like regicide and spoken word poetry
Neither of us are ogres
Penguins are a flightless joke
Why are your pants so short and tight?
You can't come out of watching Milf Manor and be a better person
Makes you want to cheer yourself up by reading Oedipus
Your penis is nothing to me
It's because you're Italian! You're irredeemably Catholic (said mournfully)
When I first read this I said, ‘Adam Smith, you shut your lying mouth!’
(On the forms) Don’t exist and don’t matter
The humanities division would lay waste to our enemies.
'Predictably disappointed' title of my memoir
(On boutonnieres) Honestly, did we lose a WAR!?
I’m a professional mansplainer
Justice isn’t fucking or eating it’s thinking
Dumping someone over text is the way to go!
(On high school relationships) I know you’re going to break up Thanksgiving of first year. October 15th you will be free as a bird!
Jane Austin: Anti-Saltburn
Daddy, great tactician
I’m not glad he was assassinated, I’m not a monster!
(On the subject of taking notes on laptops) Oh it’s kind of like masturbation! You can do it, but in your own time and in your own house!
One who writes erotic fan-fiction about nuns is rarely a Christian
(On the subject of pontifex maximus) The big cheese
(Describing the rebirth cycle) A despair-go-round
(Introducing David in 1 Kings) He’s old, he’s cold, and he can’t get it up
I'm pig meat compared to the authors
Society has gone to hell in a handbasket
You're being a bit pedantic
Googleble, google-a-ble, googleable
It could have been a kumquat!
Go away, you bad snake
Scraping the inside of my brain with an ice pick
A continuous rain of terror *sips water*
Hey! Courage is great!
If you survive you get a lot of steak and sex
You're rich? Who cares!
As I mentioned, they were all going to be murdered in their beds
MY GOD, THE HONOR!
We don’t generally like to have a spear go through the eyeball
The desire to leave your kids is sometimes so strong
Is Bambi a boy dear or a girl dear?
Spartans really cared about their hair during a battle
This is a wonderful relationship except for the sex
No erection for you!
Her overwhelming lust for her stepson
She just wants to kill herself. She's a good person!
I'd love to have a goose that I can fly
You're going to kill yourself because you're in love?
It's hard to tell how big his penis is. It's supposed to be big
Lesbia, you whore!
It’s a delicious book. DELICIOUS
Holy fuck, how do you get out of your house in the morning
I fucking hate you, fuck off Siri
Oh fuck me, my subscription went up
It's very hard to say no to someone when they're grasping your testicles
He has a daughter murdering problem
(On the topic of King Charles) He is a wacko
Maybe I shouldn’t juxtapose Taylor Swift and the Buddah
Lounge Quotes
Don't eat his ass dude, he didn't like Barbie
Can you push me down the stairs?
The speed limit is just a suggestion
Born male, forced to be a cock
Look at this boy soup, that's horrible
My own personal hell is that I won't be as much of a bisexual prince as Shakespeare
She wants to make it French and LAME
Randi euthanized that dog in me
You are going to blow through hell. Whatever the bottom layer of hell is, that's reserved for you
I just feel like goth women's coochies taste like cigarettes
*wistfully* 24/7 Kellster
The speed limit is a fucking suggestion