Audition Materials

HOLIDAY INN MONOLOGUES

JIM

…Ted who used to be my best friend.

We met at a casting call when we were both just starting out. I was so nervous, I could barely speak, let alone sing. My audition tanked. I went to drown my sorrows at McHale’s and there was Ted, yucking it up with a circle of girls from the call. I finally picked myself up to go congratulate him. “On what?” he said, “I didn’t get the gig, either. None of us did! Doesn’t mean we won’t get the next one!” I couldn’t believe it. What was he celebrating? You know what he said? He said, “Every now and then it’s a good idea o pause in our pursuit of happiness just to be happy.” I ended up having more fun that night than I’d had in a year. Ted just… he has a way of making anyone feel good about anything. I wonder what happed to that guy.

LOUISE

(walks in on Jim and Linda having a moment)

Oh! Hi. Don’t mind me, some of the kids were feeling a bit puckish what with the train ride from Grand Central and all the singing and dancing and decorating and garland-jumping, so I thought I’d just duck into the pantry to grab that fruitcake you brought, Linda. Because ya know what they say, a hungry dancer is a cranky dancer, and we’ve gotta keep—

(throughout Louise never stops talking or moving, goes into the kitchen, comes right back out with a fruitcake)

--our eomployees happy and satisfied. And like Louise always says, feed ‘em and they’ll love ya! Anyway, I can see you two are busy, busy bees, so don’t et me interrupt you, I’m just gonna go upstairs and eat this entire fruitcake by myself in shame. G’night!

LINDA

I’m Linda Mason… I was wondering if I could pick up a few things I left behind… The bank padlocked the house before I finished moving out, and—(noticing the dismantled living room) I love what you’ve done with the place. Would you mind giving me a hand with this painting? It’s my grandmother. She and my grandfather build this place right after they were married. They certainly put a lot of love into it.

LINDA

I was a New Yorker. Briefly. I tried to make it there as a performer when I was young, but… well, you know how that story goes… Oh, it’s nothing—my father woke up one day to find that my mother had left. She ran off with the Fuller Brush salesman. I left New York ot come back and take care of him and I’ve been… here… ever since. After he passed away I just couldn’t keep up. I teach school now. I have a simple life but.. I’m happy.

CHARLIE

Ah. Then you’ll have to be the one to give Mr. Hardy this past due notice on the mortgage. We do offer a thirty-day grace period before penalties begin to accrue. Unfortunately it’s been forty days. But we don’t like to see folks hurting. So I’ll keep coming back to check in. You take good care now.

LILA

Jim. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’ve been trying to tell you since I got here, but you seem so… happy. I can’t just walk away from performing like you did. I know myself. I can live with a lot of things, but I can’t live out here with all these vegetables. Anyway, Ted and I just got booked into a swanky new room in Las Vegas. Can you believe it? Las Vegas. It’s a dream come true. This. Was your dream Jim, not mine. I wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry Jim.

TED

Where am I? There’s a nasty game of pinball happening in my head. Jim? Where am I?

How humiliating. I’m in Connecticut?

What can I remember? Let’s see. I got a wire from Lila saying she was quitting the act, I remember that all right. She landed a millionaire from Texas who promised to make her a star. And I got ditched. And then I got on a train to come see you. And then… Listen, buddy, whatever I did, I’m sorry.

If I ever want to make it in Hollywood, I need a partner—wait a second. Did I dance with somebody last night?

I did… she was perfect! Like we were connected. I knew there was a reason I came here! She’s my new partner! She’s the girls I should be taking to Hollywood! But who was she? I remember a vague outline. I’m sure I would know her if I dancer with her again. I’ll dance with all the girls in your show until I find the one I’m looking for.

GENERAL MONOLOGUES