Behind the mask

I used to paint during depressive episodes that would happen during the lockdowns, and this was painted in the winter of 2021. I've been masking my autism since childhood, and all the emotions that I was unable to express for most of my life began to emerge all at once. There was a lot of anger and sadness that I never allowed myself to feel. Masking for me means hiding my autistic traits and repressing the discomfort that I feel in public so I can blend in with other people. Being isolated during the lockdowns meant I could properly reflect on how I masked because I stopped doing it at home, so I was getting to know myself for the first time. It felt a lot like a grieving process. Masking is not only the repression of negative feelings, it is the repression of who I truly am. During the lockdowns, I realised that very few people know what I'm really like, and I grieved the person who lived within but was never allowed to be seen. The realisation was overwhelming and depressed me, but painting helped calm me.

Painting meant I could healthily process what I felt by visualising my emotions. I feel them like waves and they all blend into each other, it feels like I experience multiple feelings at any one time. When I'm depressed, they're always bordered by this dark feeling, and seeing it on paper in my favourite colour (blue) felt therapeutic. If my feelings behind the mask would look like something, it would be this painting.