i just got out a mental health episode - i have been calling it my first, but I am not so sure it is...
next, i need to do two things
be at home in my body, release my tension, be calm and present
integrate myself (eg. what i am doing now, via this website)
In June I told you I would act again. Since then I've taken class, kept tabs on audition boards, and dutifully not submitted. I've written, produced, and shot a short film (midwifed by Devon, currently in post-production thanks to Max). I've introduced myself as a Community Manager, or Operation Specialist, or Part of the AI Revolution - all different words for my day job, even when I've wanted to say actor! Artist! Multi-passionate! I've shot material for a demo reel and learned v/o technique and shown no one. I've been training at a gym, but won’t release my tension which no doubt prevents me from fully inhabiting the skin of another. I forgot the goal many times. I over committed to work, ensuring I have as little time as possible to face myself, my fears, and my dreams. I skipped out on the yoga practice that has kept me regulated since 2013 in favour of exploring my darkness, dwelling in angst, and the land of “why me?”. I've developed a new neural pathway of thinking “I wish I were them” whenever I hear about anyone new, real or fictional. A shepherd. A concrete worker. A lover of deadly snakes. A paper crafter by the English sea. A priest. A water treatment plant worker. I guess the feeling is reserved for those whom I assume don't spend 10 hrs/day looking at a screen. I've complained a lot. I've sought help and forgotten to seek help and been too afraid/proud to seek help. I've numbed myself with reels, The Office, Queer Eye, alcohol and sleep. I've cooked an approximate total of 5 meals. I realised many of my close friends have left town and learned that maybe they were more responsible for my emotional regulation than the yoga was. I’ve thought “who do you think you are” and “nothing big will come of this so why bother” and “the audacity”. I’ve felt like I'm too late and too early to do this (won't there be less competition when I'm 60?). I’ve thought about quitting my job to go all out only to remember that the salary, schedule, and validation of my left-brain skills are probably the only reason I can dream these dreams at all. I've listened to Adele and podcasts about astrology, communes and The American Dream.
So yeah. Ups and downs.
But actually, I'm still here. My post from June 11 holds true. And like Rielke, I see my sunny hill and feel the wind on my face. I'm working on holding the courage to do what I've got to do.
I wish you the same courage.
Coming back to myself.
Midway through theater school, I resolutely announced to the world (but mostly to myself), that I did not want to be an actor. I was all-in for the acting part of being an actor, but I held a very narrow view of the lifestyle around it – financial instability, lack of agency over when and how I would work, dependance on the opinions and validations of others, a lonely path of building myself up, staying in shape, and defending my choices to the world. For me, all this was not worth it for the potential of acting, or perhaps I felt I was not yet fortified enough to withstand it all.
Since then, I have spent 8 years building a career I am proud of and exploring various artistic pursuits on the side, looking for “my thing”. Paper crafts, cross stitch, guitar lessons, violin lessons, gymnastics lessons, audio description classes, water colours, stage management, submitting to poetry contests, a certificate in expressive arts, a graduate degree in communications and attending a lot of plays. None stuck.
This year, I turned 30, and I decided to get real. I wanted art back in my life in a significant way, not a once-a-week-between-6-and-8-pm-on-Wednesdays kind of way. As I began the search for what “my art” could possibly be, some brilliant people helped me arrive at the question “what about acting?”. I was both surprised and surprised-by-my-own-surprise.
You mean the thing I loved, dedicated myself to & studied for 15 years? It couldn’t possibly be that.
I slowly looked around and saw my life - a solid foundation of financial security, flexible hours, work I find fulfilling, supportive friends and family, incredible people close to me with years of experience making being an artist work for them, and ongoing practices that help me grow and feel secure in myself. All the fears I had about pursuing this 8 years ago, I have unknowingly addressed.
Without any excuses left, here I go. I am doing this on my terms. I am working from joy, not desperation. I am re-learning to play make believe, re-discovering why I like this, and re-inventing the very limiting definition I held of what it means for me to be an actor.