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On Humiliating Others
On Humiliating Others
A Case Example: Suppose a person or group plans to humiliate somebody. Maybe they are jealous, or maybe they are retaliating for something, or maybe they just don’t like the victim. So, they plan their humiliation, recruit others maybe through lies and distortions, and they do it. Well, in a sense, they did a good job because everyone notices, and the victim is crushed to where he/she needs temporary psychotherapy. BUT what have they really gained? The victim is still there, what they said or did is still there, and people hear about it more than ever because they have attracted attention to it. Also, they look like abusers! (https://sites.google.com/view/being-used)
We all have been humiliated at one time or another. It can range from an uncomfortable experience to a devastating one. It can take a very long time to heal, longer than a physical injury. If we are victims, does this mean that we are trash? Does that mean we should humiliate others? Of course not.
In this essay, the humiliating person is sometimes referred to as the “attacker,” and the humiliated is called the “victim.”
1. What are the humiliations?
Humiliating actions might be bullying, harsh pranking, blocking career advancement or social acceptance, damaging relationships, or committing disgusting acts such as spitting at the victim. Many of these actions and their consequences obviously can be very damaging, both materially and emotionally. Also, they can be excessive compared to the cause.
2. Possible scenarios.
There are many possible situations where humiliation plays a role. Hopefully, the underlying cause can be negotiated and resolved so that the humiliation, either intended or not, can be prevented. But what if the humiliator/attacker refuses to negotiate saying “Why should I negotiate since I am now powerful? Besides I can hurt/humiliate the victim whenever I want, in any way that I want.” This kind of reply signals personality problems and tends towards sadism and lawlessness.
Suppose the attacker lies about trying to negotiate. Perhaps by claiming phone calls that never really happen the way they are described. These are obviously red flags. The attacker is insincere, manipulative, and not wanting to negotiate.
What if the attacker forces bystanders, by threats and deceptions, to join in the humiliation of the victim? But does any bystander want to share in the shame of the attack (https://sites.google.com/view/being-used)? Talk bystanders out of it. Maybe call the police and report it.
Maybe the first thing the victim does is try to ignore the attacker. Maybe this is done on the advice of friends and colleagues. But suppose the attacker doesn’t stop, and the attacks sometimes cause irreversible and serious damage not only to the victim, but also to the victim’s family, friends, colleagues and community. Ignoring hasn’t worked. The attacker doesn’t seem to care who gets hurt.
In many situations, there is a serious cost to both the victim AND the attacker. The victim suffers the humiliation and its consequences, and the attacker may face personal rejections, mental health issues, legal problems, problems with relationships, and problems in the community. These really can’t be helpful to anyone. It would be so much better to find a way to prevent the humiliating attacks.
Consider that the victim is attacked because they are odd or don’t fit in. Attacking such a person, simply because they are different or even ill, is obviously wrong and hardly worth addressing. If you don’t like being with someone, simply stay away. Better than being an abuser. Tolerance is a core value (https://sites.google.com/view/being-tolerant).
3. The humiliator/attacker. What makes them tick?
Someone who takes pleasure in hurting someone is a sadist. We see sadists as cruel, unfeeling, evil, heartless and damaging.
A person who purposely hurts someone without guilt often has a personality disorder (a type of psychiatric diagnosis suggesting a need for treatment). Sociopaths have been described and discussed elsewhere (https://sites.google.com/view/sociopaths ). It is relatively easy to see that a sociopath could become sadistically cruel.
The humiliator may smugly feel that his/her actions can’t be proven and that they are therefore in the clear. BUT, if they did it, and even if it can’t be proven, they are still in an immoral and unethical position (https://sites.google.com/view/cant-prove-it-but ). They are not free of their conscience. But a problem is that they may not have a conscience. What do we do with such an attacker?
4. Narcissistic Injury – this is noteworthy and important.
There is a reaction described in psychiatry and psychology called a "narcissistic injury." It is just that: an injury to a narcissist (think excessively self-centered with a different brain). It is a psychological experience where an individual (narcissist) feels deeply wounded or threatened by criticism or rejection of some sort. Here’s the troublesome part. They are likely to react excessively. They may be abusive towards their partners and friends. There are outbursts of rage. They can be out of control in retaliation, and it can last a very long time. They want what they want without concern for others. (Wikipedia on Narcissistic injury accessed on 2/12/25). Such people cannot be taken lightly as they can cause serious damage. They obviously need help, and probably the victims do too.
This helps explain why some attacks by a narcissist are more irrational, persistent, and bitter than seems warranted. The attacker might say “Someone has to pay for what happened to me. I won’t stop.” The treatment of such a narcissist most likely requires professional help as noted below.
Bullying is a factor in humiliating others. It has received attention in schools. Not a great picture.
5. What do we do with the sadist/narcissist/bully?
They need counseling, and the need can be great. They are mentally ill! An entire community (family and friends) may be needed to help them, and the community may be needed to check and prevent more damaging actions. This is especially true if the community is somehow misled, duped, and involved in the attack. They may not even realize their role but you can help them realize it. Simple advice is don’t be led by such an attacker. Say no and stand up to them.
6. What do we do with the person who is humiliated?
Depending on the action, strong support from family, friends, community, and professionals is needed. There are many kinds of therapy, and a skilled professional can help. Also, taking protected time for reflection can help the attacked person find a position or state of mind where the distress is less. Building a supportive network seems important for finding protection, comfort, and help. Avoid such dangerous narcissists. They are not normal people.
7. In summary
Humiliating attacks can be intentional and damaging. The humiliator can be a serious abuser with mental problems. Both the attacker and the victim may need help. Counseling will be a good place to look for help, but family and friends may also be key for healing. If you as a bystander know of illegal or questionable actions, help the victim and report the attacker to the police. Don’t support the abusers. Let them know you disapprove. Help everyone get help.