[This essay on sociopathic behavior is part of a series that discusses and explains various aspects of co-worker or interpersonal ethics. A book on this topic is “The Art and Ethics of Being a Good Colleague,” by Michael Kuhar which is available on Amazon (2020). Other readings relevant to this essay are listed in the Readings and Sources below. Sociopaths are very difficult colleagues who are likely to be damaging to others. March 2024, mikekuhar2024.com]
Sociopaths in our Lives: Damage and Coping
“Beware the person who stabs you and then tells the world they’re the one who’s bleeding.” (Jill Blakeway, Brainy Readers).
Any discussion of co-worker or interpersonal ethics should include sociopaths, those with a social pathology. These individuals can be a serious threat to our well-being and our community. They do bad things without conscience or feeling guilty. Maybe they consider themselves above the laws, social conventions, and moral principles. When confronted, they claim that the damage done is very minimal, even though the damage done might be serious.
The purposes of this essay are to help people identify sociopaths, to warn others about them, and to help their victims and the community.
They can be very difficult to identify and help. To assist in this, the following eleven topics will be addressed in different sections. The materials are gathered from different sources.
A. Sociopaths and Personality Disorders: Why Pay Attention to This?
B. Sociopaths Are REAL and Hurtful
C. Labelling Someone as a Sociopath. When Is It Justified?
D. “I had to use them to get to him/her”: Lack of Conscience
E. “Make your worry a goal”: How to Crush a Conscience.
F. “Those accusations are lies”: Deflection, Dishonesty, and No Guilt
G. “You had better not tell them or you’ll be sorry”: Bullying and Controlling Others
H. “No one can defy me”: Grandiosity
I. How Do They Survive? The “feel sorry for me” Pity Play
J. What to Do with Sociopaths? Can They Be Helped?
K. How Do We Protect Ourselves?
Readings and Sources (In parentheses in the text)
1. DSM-5. Antisocial Personality Disorder. p. 659. American Psychiatric Association, 2013.
2. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/sociopath accessed on 3/14/2024.
3. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-sociopath accessed on 3/14/2024.
4. Eddy, B. 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. (New York: Tarcher Perigee, 2018).
5. Hare, RD. Without Conscience. (New York: Guilford Press, 1999).
6. Mastering lying: https://www.google.com/search?q=effective+lying accessed on 2/24/2024.
7. McEwan, T. , Galietta, M., and Underwood, A. Treating Stalking (John Wiley and Sons, 2024).
8. Stout, M. The Sociopath Next Door. (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2005).
9. Stout, M. Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. (New York: Harmony Books, 2020).
10. Internet search on “sociopaths”
11. https://www.thebehavioralscientist.com/glossary/saying-is-believing-effect#:~:text=The%20Saying%2Dis%2DBelieving%20Effect%20is%20a%20psychological%20phenomenon,be%20consistent%20with%20the%20message%20they've%20delivered. Accessed on 4/1/2025.
A. Sociopaths and Personality Disorders: Why Pay Attention to This?
As defined in professional literature, a personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of behavior that causes problems (1-7, 10 – numbers in parentheses refer to readings and sources listed above). Although many personality disorders are known, we can focus on a type referred to as sociopathic. From the text, it will be clear what is meant. A psychiatrist might diagnose such individuals with antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or more. But for the sake of this writing, to keep things simple, the term sociopath is used.
What is a sociopath? Without getting too terribly technical, we can think of sociopathic people as those who have a general disregard for others and lack a conscience. They will take advantage of you. To get what they want, they might lie, break laws, and ignore their own safety and the safety of others. Their brains are different. Estimates say that the frequency of occurrence in the population varies from about 1 to 4 percent, which is enough to have an impact on all of us sooner or later. Because of this, we need to pay attention to them. Many criminals in prison are sociopaths (8, 9).
Be aware that a sociopath might seem very normal in conversation but in fact functions abnormally. This makes it difficult to recognize them and the trouble they can cause. This essay will describe the characteristics of what we refer to as a sociopath, and how we can protect ourselves.
Consider the following which is an extreme case. Someone asked a sociopathic person, “Have you ever committed a crime?” The shocking reply was, “No, but I had to kill someone once.” This reply highlights how differently a sociopath thinks and acts.
There are many who do not like diagnostic labeling or calling someone a sociopath. If this is you, then every time you see the word “sociopath,” think of the sociopathic behaviors, and focus on the behaviors rather than the diagnostic label. The behaviors are the real problem. Also, the severity of sociopathic behaviors varies among affected individuals.
B. Sociopaths Are REAL and Hurtful.
Not much in our lives prepares us to deal with such an irresponsible and unscrupulous person. When confronted by sociopathic behavior, we don’t want to believe it. We might prefer to ignore it. For example, think back to some leaders in World War II. In our everyday world, we may need to deal with them at some point. The “readings” above show that they have been recognized officially and are in fact out there. As noted above, estimates say that the frequency of occurrence of sociopaths in the population varies from about 1 to 4 percent, which is enough to have an impact on all of us sooner or later (9, 10).
Another issue with sociopaths is that they can be stalkers. Once a victim is identified by the sociopath, stalking and attachment can become problems.
C. Labeling Someone a Sociopath: When Is It Justified?
It is a serious thing for any of us to call another person a sociopath or someone with a personality disorder. After all, most of us are not professionals who diagnose such disorders. To be totally credible, the diagnosis must be made by a qualified professional. However, there are certain personality traits and behaviors that ordinary people need to watch out for to protect themselves.
So, what are our guidelines for this? When can we feel OK about labeling someone as sociopathic? Well, the actions of the person must be serious and sustained. A single action by someone does not define their character. But many repeated damaging actions over time are red flags. Consider the following cases.
Suppose someone becomes very focused on you for whatever reason. Then, when an opportunity randomly arises, that person finds a way to go into your house when you aren’t home, without permission. But that person feels guilty and remorseful, and they never do it again. From that point forward, they respect your privacy and personal boundaries. This is a simple one-time mistake with few consequences. It doesn’t seem right to label such a person as having a serious problem.
In another situation, suppose that someone enters your home many times without permission (literally breaking and entering). That person “borrows” things and plants fake evidence of a crime. That person threatens bystanders so they will not interfere, or they may recruit other vulnerable people who are brought/forced into this illegal activity and used. Overall, a sociopath’s behavior might go on for years or even decades. The behavior is sustained. This long-standing pattern of improper behavior by a sociopath is antisocial. It shows they tend to break laws, damage others, and lack regard for their own safety and the safety of others. Sociopaths should seek help. However, by the nature of the disorder, they probably feel that they have done nothing wrong!
D. “I had to use them to get to him/her”: Lack of Conscience
Sociopaths often have specific targets or victims. For example, if you know a sociopathic person that has done something against the law or is damaging to others, and that person knows that you know, then you are likely to become a target and victim. The sociopath will want to “get to you and prevent you from telling,” or even convince others to target you.
Suppose a sociopath convinces - by using threats, harassment, or whatever - another person to enter your office or home or car and carry out some damaging actions. The used person, who for various reasons is vulnerable to the sociopath, carries out these damaging acts under the direct supervision of the sociopath. Then the used person is found out and his/her actions become known to the community. The used person may be penalized and might even lose their job.
But the sociopath who directed the used person refuses to accept blame because the sociopath says, “I did not actually hurt the victim! He (the used person) did it, I didn’t do it. He never had to do anything, but he did. He was never forced.” Of course, the person who was used as a duped perpetrator, has been damaged.
Now the sociopath is on the defensive. The sociopath, who directed the used perpetrator’s actions, further says that “I had to use her to get at the person/victim.” That personal “need” to get at the victim seems to be a complete justification by the sociopath for the damage done to the one who is used. Obviously, it is NOT a justification. But this is how a sociopath feels. The sociopath’s needs supersede any social or legal convention or fairness. A sociopath feels this way because the sociopath has little or no conscience or feeling of guilt. Without conscience, anything goes! And sometimes anything does go. Sociopaths will use young people, old people, institutions, and even children.
Extreme bias against the victim, exaggerations, and jumping to conclusions can be typical of sociopaths.
In another situation, a community has caught on to a sociopath’s behavior and avoids and condemns the sociopath. To justify their behavior, an angry sociopath might say, “Somebody has to pay for this (the sociopath’s bad reputation).” The sociopath wants to blame just anybody for the problems that the sociopath creates. But it is really the sociopath’s own fault due to their hurtful actions. The sociopath is NOT even trying to be fair and just.
This pattern of sociopathic controlling and using others to do inappropriate, dirty deeds is found in other situations that include the victim’s medical care and professional activities. Others do dirty work for the sociopath who claims innocence! It’s like a mastermind bank robber saying that they have no guilt because they weren’t there when the bank was robbed. It’s a little hard to believe, but a sociopath doesn’t care that others get hurt by their plans and actions. “I had no choice.” can even be said.
Because these behaviors are sustained over long periods of time, a sociopath might hurt dozens of individuals and families by using them. For some, the hurt could be significant and irreversible.
Hopefully, the community will understand the situation and make sure to prevent others from being used by a sociopath. An entire community might be needed to control the sociopath. Maybe help can be found. Professionals would provide such help.
E. “Make your worry a goal”: How to Crush a Conscience
Consider that a sociopath says, “If you worry about the bad effects of your behavior, make your worries a goal.” For example, if you are worried that someone might commit suicide because of your harassing and damaging sociopathic actions, then make it a goal that that person should commit suicide. Another example might be if you are concerned that someone will withdraw from life because of your sociopathic actions, then make it a goal to get that person to withdraw.
Yes, this is behavior is unusual, and someone might call it “sick.” Maybe this sociopath not only has no conscience but also has a drive to crush or suppress a conscience.
F. “Those accusations are lies”: A Strategy of Deflection and Dishonesty
Suppose someone is aware of a long series of improper actions by a sociopath. This someone realizes how damaging the sociopath’s behavior has been and tells various people how the sociopath has been hurting members of the community. The sociopath then realizes what the aware person is doing and decides to stop that person in any way possible. The sociopath decides that denial of the charges is essential as a first step. Second, the sociopath decides that the best defense is a good offense and plans to accuse the aware one of many wrongdoings that deflect from the sociopath’s own guilt.
Consider the first strategy of countering the aware person with lies. The sociopath is an intelligent person and considers how to lie best. The sociopath discovers an article in a major media source that says the best liars are those who appear totally convinced that what they are saying is true. The article goes into the psychology of it and the sociopath becomes convinced that lying is a skill that must be mastered. The sociopath then practices and studies how to lie in a totally convincing manor, and it seems to work (6)! When someone accuses the sociopath of unscrupulous behavior, the sociopath immediately says “I didn’t do that.” in a very believable way. Practiced and confident lying without regret or guilt is a strong tool of the sociopath. Remember, sociopaths do not experience guilt like the rest of us. As noted, maybe something is missing in each of their brains so lying is no big deal for them.
Now for the second part which consists of blaming an aware person to deflect from the wrong doings of the sociopath. If somebody says to a sociopath, “Hey, you did this to the aware person and hurt him/her,” a sociopath would reply, “No, the aware one is lying, and besides, the aware guy has done worse, such as … (some accusation).” This accusation (a deflection) by the sociopath against another doesn’t really address the accusations against the sociopath. Nevertheless, this deflection or distraction may be done often, and well enough that a sociopath can avoid having to answer for many wrongs. Combining the strategy of practiced lying with accusations and deflection is unfortunately powerful (6). Be careful.
Another example of exaggeration and distortion might be that some victim, who is not much of a drinker of alcohol, did get slightly tipsy (three drinks) on an occasion, and the sociopath finds out about it. The sociopath then tells people that victim is an alcoholic and has a DUI on record, and this is known because the sociopath saw the victim’s medical and driving records. But none of this is true. Of course, it is against HIPAA regulations for anyone to have access to another’s medical records. The sociopath lies a lot or doesn’t care about rules and regulations.
If a victim sees a counselor for a minor problem and the sociopath hears about it, then the sociopath might claim that the victim has a catastrophic mental illness, which is of course again a practiced exaggeration and intentional lie.
Sociopaths see no problem with “gaslighting,” which is trying to get someone to doubt their own sanity. If someone criticizes a sociopath, they can be accused of being crazy.
If the person who wants to help a male victim is a woman, the sociopath might accuse her of being his lover! Creation of an embarrassment or weakness, whether real or not, could be done. Any manipulative, deflecting response goes.
If a victim writes something revealing about a sociopath, then the sociopath immediately points out all of the grammatical or other errors in the writing. This is a deflection from the content or real message of what is written.
On another occasion, a sociopath becomes aware that many women at the victim’s workplace are attracted to the victim. The victim sometimes pays attention to them, perhaps ogling the most attractive (which is very annoying to the sociopath). The sociopath, who doesn’t like this, then claims that the victim is a philanderer and even a sex offender! (The sociopath may be a jealous woman and say that, “If I can’t have him, no woman will!”) But a check reveals that the victim is not a sex offender and has not had any relationships with women at his workplace. Such unfounded accusations are damaging to the victim. But no apologies are made by the sociopath because, of course, this is an intentional strategy by the sociopath.
Also consider this. When you ask a sociopath why they did a terrible thing, they might twist it, blame you, and say, “Well, you didn’t stop me, so I assumed it was OK. It’s your fault just as much as it is mine.”
Deflection is a powerful tool that can prevent any useful conversation. But don’t go for it. Stay focused on your question.
Many of us believe what we hear, which can be a problem. You can never trust what a sociopath says or implies. Even if it sounds true, be sure to check it out, especially with the victim. Lying and distorting are major tools of sociopaths. Beginning to see the lies and distortions is a step in protecting yourself and the community.
Sometimes a victim might try to defend him/herself by explaining why the sociopath attacks them. The victim might want to correct the distortions and lies. The sociopath, with the brain of a sociopath, might see this as a personal attack rather than an explanation. This becomes fuel for another round of attacks by the sociopath.
G. “You had better not tell my victim or you’ll be sorry”: Bullying and Controlling Others
Sociopaths need to control you, even if you are not the main victim. They don’t want you to report on their bad behavior, and they want your cooperation in hurting the victims. Consider that a sociopath eventually learns that creating fear by threatening is very effective in controlling others. Lying is OK, but threats are better!! Here are some examples of controlling maneuvers:
1. Threats seem most effective when combined with some knowledge of the person being threatened. Perhaps that person has something in his/her background that is embarrassing. The sociopath may threaten to make that known.
2. Another way to control through fear is first to get someone in the community to do something against the victim, perhaps even a small harm. Then, once this happens, the sociopath turns around and threatens to make those actions known to the victim. The sociopath might say, “If the victim finds out what you did, he/she will really retaliate and hurt you, so don’t help the victim or I will tell the victim that you harmed him/her (probably with a little exaggeration)!” The person who did the harm is now more afraid of the sociopath and will do whatever he/she says. Control, control, threats, threats.
3. A controlling opening to a conversation might be something like “I (the sociopath) have been investigating this victim for years, and I know him/her better than you do.” The sociopath will then accuse the victim of some wrongdoing. This is a claim of infallible expertise. After such a claim, the sociopath may use information about the victim in an inappropriate way. For example, the sociopath may violate promised confidentiality or distort and exaggerate the facts. The sociopath, who feels that the real truth is irrelevant, wants to control your opinion.
4. A sociopath will think nothing of impersonating someone in power to get at the victim. They might say that they are from the president’s office, or they might say they are the victim’s personal secretary in order to get private information. Instead of seeing a problem with this, they think they are being clever! They might mention it to others to show how “powerful” they are.
5. Yet another maneuver is to get bystanders to repeat, out loud, things that the sociopath wants bystanders to believe. It has been shown by psychologists that if someone simply says out loud something that they did not fully believe before, then they are moved in the direction of believing it (for example, 11). So a sociopath might have someone say, “I dislike the victim.” Then the bystander will be moved in the direction of disliking that person even though it was not totally true before the statement. Beware if you are asked to repeat something out loud, particularly if it is something that might influence your opinion of someone. Don’t let them manipulate you.
6. A sociopath might say, “I’ll get the victim when he/she gets old and helpless.” This maintains the feeling of control and bullying even though they can’t get at the victim right now.
7. A sociopath might use others by getting them to say annoying or hurtful things directly to the victim. This is another means of showing that they are in control. They want to be able to bully the victim and “rattle his/her cage” even through the actions of others. But be careful. Don’t be used by a sociopath or become an accomplice.
8. When people witness the long-standing damaging interaction between sociopath and victim, they may reasonably suggest that there should be a compromise. They should talk to each other. But the sociopath might say, “Why should I compromise when I am powerful?” The sociopath likes the game! The sociopath might call the victim, who answers the phone, but the sociopath remains quiet until the victim hangs up. Then the sociopath says to everyone that “the victim refused to talk to me! The victim is not interested in a compromise or solution.” The sociopath plays with victims and others like a cat does with a mouse. The sociopath may laugh at and make fun of those that have been duped or used.
9. The sociopath, who is very clever and uses every trick in the book, wants to win, and they win by lying, manipulation, and control. They might say, “I won it fair and square.” But fair and square to them likely means lies, deceptions, distortions, threats, and damages of various kinds. The sociopath needs to feel in control.
The sociopath feels confident with these sociopathic methods and does not see anything wrong with them. He/she goes on to tell others how effective lies and threats can be. The sociopath recommends using lies and threats and sees nothing wrong with it as a strategy. The sociopath is actually annoyed with people who like to tell the truth. He/she tells others they can use sociopathic strategies to become powerful. “Don’t you want to be powerful? Do it my way. Use lies and threats.”
H. “No One Can Defy Me!”: Grandiosity
Grandiosity is a trait that psychotherapists take note of. Grandiosity refers to an unrealistic sense of superiority in which someone considers themselves unique and better than others. Grandiosity is a symptom of various mental health disorders (1).
It is almost ludicrous when someone says emphatically, “You can’t stop me. No one can!” Or “No one can defy me!” People may wonder if, in fact, it is true. But after a short time, people will see through the grandiosity. Maybe these disordered people just can’t see it with the brain they have. Don’t be taken in by such groundless and manipulative braggadocios even if they clearly believe it.
I. How Do They Survive? The Pity Play.
How do sociopaths get along in life? If they are so troublesome, why are they still around? The answer is an important one for us to be aware of.
When a sociopath is confronted and can’t find an escape, they may actually cry and sob in order to convince you that they are the real victims. They’ll say that it’s so bad for them that they can’t get a job, their children avoid them, and they have few friends. These comments, along with the whimpers and sobs, may sound so convincing that someone might actually be converted to being a supporter of the sociopath! They can elicit pity. They will turn you around by manipulating you. Maybe they sense some weakness in certain other people.
Remember, the pity play is an essential tool of the sociopath (8, 9). Regular people find it hard to accept that it is a tactic rather than sincere. But watch out for this and don’t fall for it.
Sociopaths also survive, or even thrive, on the approval of others. They may present a picture that is false, but if you show some belief or even a little sympathy, they get nourished, and their poor behavior is reinforced. Avoid those situations and avoid sociopaths all together to be safe.
J. What to Do with Sociopaths; Can They Be Helped?
Can they be cured? Many feel that a cure is very difficult. There also may be a genetic contribution to sociopathy. Counseling and psychological help is a mainstay of treatment and a place to start. But the very nature of the illness can prevent serious engagement in treatment. They might feel that there is no reason to be there. A sociopath might be recommended for treatment, and they may go. But they may manipulate the therapist with lies and partial truths. The therapist may then feel that the patient has been wronged by others and then praises the sociopath for being a survivor. Nevertheless, a therapist who specializes in sociopathy and is willing to do a long-range treatment plan could be helpful and may be the sociopath’s best chance. As human beings they deserve a chance, and they should have it. Treatments of co-existing problems such as depression, anxiety, anger, stress, and others are likely to be helpful to a sociopath. Also, sociopathic individuals are likely to have some positive characteristics that can be built on (1-3, 9, 10).
Maybe in some cases the sociopath has been very hurt by another and has a real grievance. Then maybe they look for a victim to blame. They might say, “Somebody has to pay for what happened to me.” But even if a sociopath has been hurt by someone, it does not give him/her the right to use unscrupulous and damaging behaviors and methods to retaliate. Resolving hurts in appropriate ways is obviously important. Treatment can help.
K. How Do We Protect Ourselves?
Well, let us summarize what we are up against. Sociopaths can be dangerous (8-10). They may not feel the difference between right and wrong. They won’t respect the feelings and emotions of others. They can be callous and arrogant. They operate in a self-serving world where they sometimes think they are the victims!! They take advantage of people around them and use them. When confronted, they will minimize the damage they did, even though the damage might be serious. They have a good ability to identify someone that they can use and take advantage of. They employ pathological lying, conning, distortion, and deflection. They consider themselves above the laws, social conventions, and moral principles. They want to dominate you and sometimes play with you. We need to be aware of the pity play, which is their best tool for survival. Many of them are amazingly clever actors.
Collectively, many victims and mental health professionals have spent decades thinking about this. How can we defend ourselves (9, 10)? Some strategies are as follows.
1. Avoid sociopaths. If you don’t need to be involved with them, don’t be. Define boundaries in your life that exclude them in all ways possible. Don’t be used. You must protect yourself and your community even if you feel sorry for them. They are more skilled at their “craft” than you are. They can be criminals.
2. If you must have contact with such people, keep it to a minimum, avoid personal disclosures, and don’t be alone with them.
3. Talking with them about the situation is dangerous. They will turn it around to their unscrupulous advantage. It will end up being about you and the victim.
4. Because sociopaths cause a significant amount of damage and suffering, you should notify your community and authorities. Don’t be guilty of failing to warn your neighbors.
5. Express disapproval to sociopaths. If you don’t, they may say that their actions are your fault because you didn‘t say, “Don’t.” Also, if you don’t disapprove, you may be partly responsible for the damage they do. If what they say sounds true, be sure to check it out, especially with the victims.
6. Be especially careful if they are very unstable, prone to violence, or simply can’t stop doing damage. Consider going to the police, getting restraining orders, or exploring committing them to psychiatric care. Sociopathic comments such as “hurt them” or “burn their house down” or “spit in their food” obviously cross the line. Their anger can be out of control.
7. Include enablers in your concerns. Invite witnesses to come forward.
8. Do not let sociopathic attacks ruin your life. Stay emotionally positive. Consider that you are on a mission of good against the evil of sociopaths. But be aware, sociopaths are likely to label you as the evil one and themselves as the victim.
9. If you are kind, supportive and good to others (including the sociopath), consider that a sociopath will use you, and you may be your own worst enemy. Recognize this problem: are you offering some good that is helpful to another innocent person, or are you offering some good that ends up feeding a devil (sociopath).
10. Try to forgive and soothe other victims of sociopaths, especially when they are decent people who have fallen for the deceptions of a sociopath.
11. If you are attacked, don’t face it alone. Find supporters who understand what you are up against. A community can help. Supportive therapy may be useful.
12. If you survive an attack, be aware that they often continue. Something about such a mental disorder is that it continues. They are difficult to stop.
13. Help a sociopath when you can. Professional help may be the place to start. All human beings deserve a chance to do better. But keep your distance, especially if such help can somehow be twisted against you.
“…When we condition ourselves to see only the good, we… leave the door open for evil to rise.” (David Roppo. Picture quotes)