This is another essay/case for personal ethics. It is described on my website (mikekuhar2024.com)
A basic book for interpersonal ethics is: Kuhar, MJ, The Art and Ethics of Being a Good Colleague, 2nd edition, Amazon 2020. It contains many other cases and ideas on how to interact fairly with others. A relevant section is “First do no harm” on p. 79, and there are additional relevant sections on conflict resolution on pp. 102, and 110.
Are You Being Used, And Are You An Abuser ?
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Well, you must be reacting by saying, “Of course I am not an abuser; I’m more of a supporter.” But I have certain aspects of abusing in mind. The case described below, even if somewhat rare, helps us to see the options more clearly.
An abuser of other people is one who does things that hurt, belittle, or disrespect others. A supporter does the opposite. They elevate those around them; they exhibit respectful behavior. Of course, some people should be disrespected; there are criminals and sociopaths among us (https://sites.google.com/view/sociopaths).
Suppose that someone, referred to as “C,” approaches you to help disrespecting or humiliating someone in some way. They might ask you to say negative things, or maybe to spit in their food, or to reveal their confidential medical records, or to damage their car, or to deny them an opportunity. These are childish at best, but abusive and illegal at worst. But C tries to convince you that it is OK to do it. C might say that the target is evil and deserves abuse. Do you agree with that? Is there proof? Have the authorities acted against the target? C might say that everyone is doing it. You may even be threatened by C. Maybe you are intimidated or afraid. Don’t go any further. Report threats to police or someone who can help.
Even if C has been hurt in the past and seeks payback, C does not have the independent right to damage others in retaliation. How can C be helped?
Remember that you can believe C’s complaint without having to act in a questionable and abusive way. You don’t have to act at all, but you can show compassion to C and offer solutions. That is perhaps the best way to go in such a situation. If you act like C requests, then you own it and there is no going back. You become an abuser. If you act as part of a group, you are making everyone an abuser.
Let’s review and consider some key points.
1. C may pleadingly ask you for help, claiming mistreatment by the target. Even if C offers proof, should you become an abuser? Are you prepared to be a judge, jury, and executioner? What is right and what is wrong here? Should you report C to the target or authorities? How can C be helped without damaging someone?
2. Helping C abuse others is not really help. Acting as C wants you to is likely to make things worse, invite retaliation, and implicate you in abuse and a crime. Given that C is an abuser, does that mean you should also stoop so low? If you do, then you can’t undo it! Be careful, C may be an especially convincing arguer. But don’t fall for it.
3. Has C tried to resolve the differences, perhaps by mediation, for example? Is there a hidden reason that C wants you to hurt the target?
4. While C may sound reasonable, remember that reasonable statements are not necessarily true (https://sites.google.com/view/stands-to-reason). Reason does not always determine how we act and believe. Emotions play a role.
5. Offer compassion and suggestions, but refuse to do anything abusive, disrespectful, hurtful, or illegal. Do you want to be an abuser, particularly a mislead abuser?
6. It is important to keep in mind that if authorities become aware of abusers who are recruited by C, C can implicate those recruited and even blame them completely. It could be you, if you act. Do you want to be used, blamed, abused by an abuser, and a fool to boot?
7. Do you think C is being obsessive and enjoying damaging the other? Laughing about it? Is that a clue about C’s mental health?
8. We can try to help C. Maybe refer C to professional helpers. But it may be best to stay away from C. Keep yourself safe. There is a major problem with C’s judgment.
9. What should you do if someone abuses you? If possible, and if they agree to stop and not do it again, then forgive and soothe the abuser. Amends could be made. A simple apology may suffice.
Courage can be a part of the situation. Do you have the courage to disagree? (See https://sites.google.com/view/courage-the-missing-part, accessed on 3/12/2025). Courage can be developed.
A basic book for interpersonal ethics is: Kuhar, M.J. The Art and Ethics of Being a Good Colleague, second edition, Amazon 2020. It contains many other cases and ideas on how to interact fairly with others. A relevant section is “First do no harm” on p. 79, and there are relevant sections on conflict resolution on pp. 102, and 110.