Al-Anon Meeting Reflection Paper

David W. Coon

Cambridge College, Springfield Massachusetts

3/7/19

Author’s Note:

Professor D. Merriman

Class: Family Treatment of Substance Abuse CCP-606.SP01

Spring 2019 Semester

6:00 - 9:00 PM from 01/23/2019 to 04/10/2019

Introduction

I write these thoughts as notes as I travel to this Friday night 6 pm Al-Anon meeting. This is my first Al-Anon meeting. I think I know what to expect because I have been to hundreds of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings myself since I went to my first AA meeting back in 2012. For the record, I think AA is awesome, I love the 12 Step spiritual surrender philosophy, and I thank God that such an organization exists. Also for the record, I will be attending hundreds of more meetings in the future as well.

The time is approximately 5:45 as I arrive early at the meeting at Shriner's Children's Hospital in Springfield Massachusetts. No one else is there yet and the normal meeting room has been moved to the small auditorium at the front of the building. The reason for the move is that the regular meeting room was occupied by a clown meeting, I am told by the front desk security officer. A little excited thinking I am going to see some clowns, he then informs me they won’t be in uniform.

So I proceed to the meeting. Anyways, the date today is the First of March, 2019.

My thoughts on the way to the meeting

My thoughts about the Al-Anon meeting. My thoughts about the meeting on the way there in the car. I'm thinking about how wonderful it is that they have these meetings. I'm thinking about how great it is that people can come together and support each other in a community of people experiencing similar turmoils and troubles. My heart is warmed by this anonymous nature of people helping each other with the sole purpose of recovery and a better life. It is hard to recover alone.

But I'm mostly thinking that I am an alcoholic/addict myself. That is a really hard thing to truly admit to myself and others. I am thinking that these people are meeting because of people like me. I kinda feel like their enemy. I have the same dis-ease as their loved ones. Thus I have the same tendencies and predisposing as their spouses. The same demons of addiction that afflicts their husbands also torment me. Because of the chaos and collateral damage caused by and left in the wake of an unaccepting, unrepenting alcoholic, the spouses of those humbly and anonymously come together once a week to support each other in love and recovery.

No doubt about it. There is no getting around it. That is who I am. These meetings are designed for the families of Alcoholics. They are to help mitigate the havoc that they are put through because of someone’s one else’s drinking.

I can relate to that, although I relate to it with personal experience magnitudes less than most AA members, according to their own accounts and testimonies shared at meetings. It reminds me of how good I really have it. I am also thinking about how much fun this meeting could be and how much I'm going to learn from it. Needless to say I think it's going to be a very powerful experience for me.

So I'm thinking that they have these meetings because of people like me, whether they better or worse off than I am. Because of the addicts and the alcoholics, the Universe must have meetings like these to return some balance the enemy has stolen. The damage that we addicts cause our friends and family because of this disease of addiction is inexcusable.

Just because it is a brain disease that hijacks the pleasure and reward centers of the brain and causes its sufferers to act crazy and irresponsible, does not remove responsibility from the said sufferer. It is a tricky and cunning and troublesome affliction to have. The crazy behavior is a symptom of the disease, and looks a lot like free will and choice and immaturity to people on the outside, everyone from family members to the public’s general conception that addiction is a choice that can stopped at any time… Addiction is an insidious disease that causes great dis-ease and discomfort to those who suffer from it, however, it can be successfully managed by a community of supporter from family and others who have recovered themselves and serve at these types of community meetings.

Addiction is a disease of isolation. It is a disease that will isolate the sufferer to insulate them from criticism, so it takes a network of individuals to treat this disease, not just one person. It also take honestly to realize and recover. No one can beat this disease on their own, especially if they haven’t realized and accepted that they have a disease in the first place. A disease that really has only one effective treatment; sobriety and support from others. Anyways, I am here at this meeting to learn what I can. I have come with an open mind desperate to find the last missing pieces I have been looking for to make my life make sense? Do I have ADD, ADHD, Bipolar Type II, clinical depression or something worse?

What is really wrong with me? Do I have a personality disorder? Am I really a just a selfish person, or a narcissist that is not living life right? Am I hopeless? I am here to do what I can. I don't want to be that addict that hurts themselves and their family. And I know that I could be if I don't do something about it. I love my family and I love my life right now. I'm about to graduate with a masters in mental health counseling and my life is going really well right now. And I recognize that addiction, if not recognized or ignored, could bring it all down. I could ruin it all. And all could be taken all away from me in a flash. I'm not going to do that to my family. I still have a lot to learn… I love my life right now. And I am not going to give it all away because of something like drugs and alcohol. Nothing is more important to me.

So to bring it all together. The meeting was held in a different room this week because of the clown meeting. I mean it is a children's hospital after all. Unfortunately, the clowns were just meeting and they were not in uniform. Final note: All woman, twelve in all, mostly older crowd. All women except me. I am thankful for this experience.

Impact on me - Reflection about what’s wrong with me

The meeting was extremely impactful. Even though I thought I kind of knew what to expect, I still left the meeting a changed person. And after a week of deep reflection and a perfect storm of other events, both positive and negative; such as losing a tooth (down to 26 teeth now), being blessed with a business of my own, my two wonderful kids, my amazing God-fearing wife, my NEW JOB, and more, I am a deeply changed and revived person, a new man if you will. Some of what changed me were the shocking truths revealed in the mood and atmosphere of the meeting. As people started to share their stories, tales, and snippets of their struggle as a sober person living with or married to an addict. All the nasty ugliness about the true nature of addiction, alcoholism, in particular, was on full display for me see. And I saw it more clearly than ever before.

But it wasn’t all shock that left lasting change in me. It was also sadness and terror, anger and sorrow, a moment of truth, a self-epiphany, self-realization, a revelation, and an acceptance that left a lasting impression on me. A revelation about what precisely is wrong with me. It was a revelation that finally came and sank in, something extremely critical that I had been overlooking, or outright denying, came into clear view.

It was something that after 34 and a half years of life, the past 15 years is the worst of it, and after being told a thousand times and either not listing or ignoring out of fear or ignorance or whatever else. I listened. I really listened. And I heard. And I accepted.

It was acceptance. Acceptance that I am an addict. I have the disease of addiction. And with that humble surrender and acceptance, came a smooth calming peace. I feel different now. More in control. The mystery had finally been solved. This is so refreshing. Could I have finally found what is and was wrong with me? If this is actually what’s wrong with me, then this is terrific news!

Conclusion - Addiction Diagnosis Is Good News

This is good. Addiction recovery is certainly possible and more than doable. I have studied all the other mental health diagnosis in the DSM-V and this one really does fit me best. I don’t have some other mental illness. I don't have something else more terminal or something untreatable. This is very treatable. And there is no mystery as to what the successful treatments are. And almost all of the treatment responsibility is in my hands. I already know the knowhow. I don’t need surgery. I don’t have something with an immediate death sentence.

While addiction is absolutely a chronic problem, I realize that the craving will never cease entirely, and cravings are true agony. But I am in no immediate danger. I have an otherwise healthy body and mind. I have faith in grace. I have a wonderful family.

I have a great career ahead that is just starting to take off. A career that I could truly do some good for others in this world. While no perfect cure for addiction is known, I know what works and what doesn’t. I just need to apply it...

Some of this change was well already on its way. I have been immersed in Addiction Studies as of late with classes and my internship at a men’s addiction recovery program. As well as a rather intensive study of mental health counseling in general in connection to my schooling at Cambridge College. I have been focusing my study on trauma and all its impacts on the human mind and body (and soul and spirit), with a special focus on childhood trauma (and the lifetime of damage and fallout caused by trauma in children). Other concentrations on PTSD, CBT, trauma-focused CBT, the “disease model of addiction”, and of course psychiatric medications (especially those that are used to treat trauma).

The reason for this particular topic is of tremendous interest to me these past few years has a lot to do with my desperate effort to discover and treat my own disease/disorder or illness/infirmity or whatever else you want to call it. My desperation comes from the hardship/misery, pain/suffering/torment or dares I say anguish that I experience and feel almost every day.

My desperate attempt to find a cure or treatment that will make me feel better day to day is ongoing (and feels like never-ending) is all to fight this adversity I feel in my daily life.

Depression beginning life sober is a word that is about as accurate and plainly understood as to my sense of self as any other word I can think of.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

End - David Coon 3/7/19 2019