Every journey is specific to everyone on it. Some of us may share similarities, but that doesn’t mean we lived the same lives or walked the same paths. My story is just that – my own. In no way am I saying my way works for everyone, because that’s just not true. If you’re in need of immediate help for substance abuse issues, or know someone in need, please contact SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357). SAMHSA’s National Helpline is open 24/7, 365. It is free and confidential for all those who call in. As someone who has used it before when looking for treatment options local to me, I can say it does help to have someone ready to help at any time of day or night. Don’t ever feel like you’re alone in this battle, because I’m here to remind you that you’re not.

I got sober officially for the first time when I was 22 years old. The 6 years of active addiction eventually became too much for me to continue with. I remember calling local treatment centers, methadone clinics, hotlines… none of it really sparked for me. I don’t know why my brain decided to just go cold turkey, but it decided that was the way to go. My drug of choice was heroin, preferably IV usage. The withdrawals and pain of getting clean were indescribable, but I knew I was going to overcome this. By this point, I had gone through so much suffering in my life that this didn’t seem like such a daunting task at first. The first 48-72 hours are brutal – body aches/chills, nausea, cold sweats, impossible to sleep, eat, move. By day three, I knew I needed something a little more than Gatorade and saltines.

I had already been a heavy smoker, but for recreational use mostly. I didn’t really see cannabis as a medicinal plant until this point in my life. I realized when I smoked, my withdrawal symptoms just so slightly subsided enough that I could eat again, or sleep without waking up to vomit every hour drenched in sweat. I could feel human again. That is when I decided to fine tune how I was consuming cannabis and become more mindful of what I was doing to get myself sober. I was living in my parents’ house again, my husband at the time in prison, and depressed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. I realized certain strains helped more than others, so I started doing some research before picking up another bag to see which strain would help me.

After about six months, I was doing alright. I don’t quite recall what happened, but I was going through something that I remember buying some H and stashing it away. Weeks went by and I didn’t touch it. I just liked having it – “in case of emergency” – and knew I could survive with just smoking weed. However, back then, weed was not legalized or decriminalized. My buddy suddenly disappeared, and he was the only person I knew who sold at the time. So, here I was with my stash of heroin and no weed, just going through life. I thought, maybe weed was no longer necessary and I could just be “sober-sober” instead of just heroin sober. Of course, I was wrong, and one bad argument with my mom later and I was gripping that bag thinking about so much. “If I use, I run the risk of overdosing.” I tried reminding myself about that over and over. I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to feel anything at that time.

Thankfully, I didn’t use it. I went to work and found someone who smoked me out and was able to help me get back on a regular schedule with picking up. I started buying more than I normally did, terrified if I ran out that I would use again. I fought so hard through withdrawal and knew I didn’t want to do that again. So, I kept smoking, I kept educating myself on cannabis. I was heavy into sativa because I worked 4am-12pm Monday through Friday and usually 5pm-11pm at the restaurant I worked at Thursday-Sunday. It kept the cravings away, but I was also able to work and not be falling asleep throughout my shifts. I felt like I finally found my routine, what worked for me, and was happy again.

I finally reached one year of sobriety. I was only smoking flower, usually using a bong (go figure) or little hand pipes. I remember being so excited for my first year sober that I spent my one-year anniversary attending NA meetings just to talk about it. The meeting scene never worked for me, but I just wanted others in my shoes to hear me out, applaud me and show me love. I was finally learning more about strains, CBD and terpenes and it was just going so well… until I got pregnant.

I never expected to be a mother. I love my son so much, but I was not ready for this experience. I wasn’t dating the father at the time and was busy working two jobs and going to the bar with my friends to indulge in the idea of parenthood. But it happened anyway, and my brain did not know how to handle that. The urges came back stronger than before, but I knew better than to even consider using again while pregnant. A few months into my pregnancy, I was basically living with the father and his two roommates. One of his roommates was also a “stoner”, but he enjoyed concentrates. Yes, I took my first “dab” while pregnant. I ended up laying on the garage floor in the middle of summertime and just trying to train myself to breathe again. It was one of those “too big, too hot” first time tries and it wrecked me. However, this is when I found what I needed to combat the cravings.

I needed some sort of routine before consuming to really set in stone that I did not need heroin. So, I continued to dab with the roommate every morning before work until we eventually got our own house. I had my son, and we bought a home, so I went back to what I knew and could easily acquire – flower. I had become a stay-at-home mom and had way too much alone time. I knew I needed to figure out how to make dabbing a regular thing in my life. I started my CBD bath and body business, connected with new people and was able to finally have access to my medicine. Since then, I’ve been 98% wax and 2% flower. I figured out what worked for me and it finally all fell into place.

Basically, what I want to say in this piece is do what makes you happy. I’ve heard countless times that I am not sober because I choose to smoke cannabis or choose to have a drink on rare occasions. I don’t care. I really don’t. You know why? Because I am sober. I am sober and I am no longer shooting up in secrecy. I have nothing to hide because I made the adult decision to put everything out there and use talking and connecting as a means of therapy on top of medicating myself with cannabis. This is the reason I use my online presence – to talk about things people try to shut others up about. Sobriety is a rough road to go down, and no one should make anyone feel bad for how they choose to achieve and maintain it. If cannabis helps you, don’t hide it. Be you, be proud but most importantly… do what works for you without the lingering feeling that someone somewhere might disagree. They don’t live your life or know your experiences, so their words don’t matter in the long run. I hope that by sharing my story, someone out there reads this and knows they are not alone.

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