Understanding Your Disciples
Our discipleship groups are gender specific, meaning men with men and women with women. You cannot disciple men and women the same way. We are different in so many ways. We need to use the same principles for both men and women, but applying those principles should be different.
In this session, we will consider several unique characteristics of both men and women that will help us be more intentional as discipleship leaders.
This article is written by Chris Adams.
Chris Adams is an inspirational speaker for women focusing on biblically centered teaching. She has helped pioneer women’s ministry as we know it today. She is an adjunct professor at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary’s Women’s Certificate Program. Until her retirement from LifeWay in 2017, Chris was Executive Editor of Journey, a women’s devotional magazine. She also compiled Women Reaching Women: Beginning and Building a Growing Women’s Ministry, Transformed Lives: Taking Women’s Ministry to the Next Level, and Women Reaching Women in Crisis.
Click here for more information about Chris Adams and her ministry.
Does it really matter how you disciple men or women? Discipling women has been a heartbeat of mine for 40+ years now. And yes, it matters. Titus 2 reflects a mandate from the Lord for women to pour into the lives of other women spiritually. So, we are to do it out of obedience first of all.
Men and women are different in many ways other than being male or female! I know, that’s not news to you! Women can effectively be taught and and discipled by men, of course. They need co-ed learning opportunities. But they also need women in their lives and spiritual journeys who have experienced some things that only females experience.
Only a woman understands the heart of a mother’s pain who’s daughter has walked away from her family. Watching another woman walking in faith through a similar story gives hope as she struggles to trust God in this crisis. I understand this because I walked this road. Seeing my sweet friend, a bit older, and much wiser spiritually than me, trust God no matter what, gave me hope that God could do the same thing in and through my own situation. I then wanted to be that kind of friend to other mothers in crisis.
The thing is, the roles of men and women are differ at times, and a man cannot coach a mother on how to parent a teen girl or boy because what is needed from a mom is different in some ways as to what is needed from a dad. This is one of many examples of why women need women to help disciple them in their spiritual walk.
A women’s minister friend of mine shared that they offered a seminary type Bible class just for women. One day a man bought his wife to class in a wheel chair and stayed during the session. “We immediately noticed the women behaved differently with him there. Women tend to be careful to edit what they say around a man and, typically, are less interactive. Women have been socially influenced to defer to men. Women interrupt men less than men interrupt women in conversation. Women will also self disclose more without a man present. The issue as well can be influenced by women who have trauma from fathers or male figures, Some women do not feel emotionally safe around men. If that atmosphere of safety can be created at church or in a discipleship group....what a blessing!”
So, how do we do this well? Here’s some practical ways to disciple women:
Confidentiality is an absolute must! Women must feel safe to hare from the heart what is going on in their lives, knowing it won’t be shared outside this group.
Atmosphere is important to women. Whether a home setting or other location, build warmth and openness into the atmosphere. That can be offering snacks, hugs as they enter, candles or just a smile. Let then know you are so glad they are there.
Scripture is central and must be the main focus. It’s easy for us to share personal beliefs without matching those to the Truth of God’s Word. Keep the focus on the Bible.
Be careful not to allow rabbit trails to dominate. Sometimes they are helpful, other times, the main point gets totally lost.
Keep prayer requests to immediate group/family and spend more time praying than sharing the request. Again, this can lead to more details than are really needed in your time together. If they need to share more deeply, offer to stay after or meet for coffee later to discuss.
Intentionally build community. Women want to connect and they want to share. Share what is going on in your life as well, but keep the majority of the sharing on scripture and what they are learning.
Hold them accountable and expect them to invest in their own discipleship. When they struggle to complete the assignments, give grace but encourage them to finish what is left undone.
Teach them with the goal of discipling women, not only in the current group, but seek to disciple those who have never been involved.
Figure out where these women are spiritually (assessments are good), then challenge them to grow from that point, understanding that discipleship is a lifelong journey. It is never over till Jesus returns or we meet Him face to face before that.
Teach women “how to fish” for themselves, to hunger for the word and time with the Lord. Let them see your enthusiasm for the Lord and the Word. Pray for it to be contagious!
Show them what it’s like to struggle through difficulty and pain honestly, but lead them to trust God in the midst of it.
Teach discipleship as a lifestyle, lived out day by day in obedience to what God is teaching us, not just what happens in a group. If we never get to living out what we read, study, even apply to our minds as truth, we are not fully obeying Truth of scripture.
Show them all they can know about a passage, but remind them that we cannot understand all there is to know about God this side of heaven. Mystery is a good thing when it comes to figuring it all out. We must learn to live with not always knowing a clear answer in scripture.
Teach them how to start a small women’s discipleship group so that they pass one what they’ve learned in your group. Let them know at the outset, that the goal is to disciple them so they can be disciples of other women. o
Psalm 33:11 tells us: The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of his heart from generation to generation.
We have the privilege, and responsibility, of encouraging a woman, or small group of women, in one generation to leave a legacy that will affect many generations to come. I wish someone had personally discipled me as a young girl when I first came to Christ as a preteen, but that didn’t happen until my early twenties and it changed the trajectory of how I lived out my faith.
So, step into the women’s discipleship arena. Your own heart will be blessed, maybe even more than theirs, as you serve Jesus obediently and pour into the hearts of women who need to know and grow in Him!
Early in my ministry, I attended a conference led by Patrick Morley. I was already a big fan of his and had read all his books on men's ministry. His research on the State of Men in America impacted me the most. In this study, Morley said that three universal "wants" propel men's efforts to be happy.
First, we want something we can give our lives to. We want a mission or cause. This is the need to be significant, to make a difference, that our lives will count, that it will matter if we lived. No man wants to be a shooting star that streaks across the sky one night, then disappears.
Second, we want someone to share it with. This is the need to love, be loved, be part of a community, and find acceptance.
Third, we want a "system" that explains why the first two "wants" are so difficult.
When I heard that, something clicked inside; it made perfect sense to me. I didn't understand why so many men were having a problem embracing biblical manhood and their identity in Christ. I quickly learned that most men suffer from broken masculinity.
God created men to be both strong and loving. Author Stu Weber refers to a godly man as a "Tender Warrior." In contrast, the world is working very hard to nullify the value of a man as defined by God. Men are responding to this attack on manhood by overcompensating in one of two ways. They are either leaning toward unhealthy aggression or weak passivity. Both are highly destructive. Men are stuck in between the world that doesn't allow them to be loving and the church that doesn't let them be strong. Men are struggling to fit in and find their place.
There are a lot of explanations for why this is happening to men, but the bottom line is that their fathers, for one reason or another, dropped the spiritual baton and failed to pass it to their sons. I am a perfect example of this. My father was absent after my parents divorced, and if it weren't for the faithfulness of one man who God used to disciple me, I would still be broken today.
The way we speak to men and the language we use matters. In this chapter, I want to share some examples of how to uniquely disciple men to give you some ideas to approach this process from the male point of view. Please don't discount the value of discipling men differently from women. Several years ago, I was walking a group of guys through a fantastic book our pastor had recommended by Beth Moore. However, when I would meet with my guys to discuss the book, they were constantly distracted by the way she spoke in the book. She would describe her emotions and feelings and go to great lengths to describe intimate aspects of her relationship with God in a kind of vocabulary that was foreign to the men in my group. Don't get me wrong, Beth Moore is a brilliant teacher and way more intelligent than I am, but she speaks a different language than most men. It was a distraction to them.
Men speak a different language. We talk to each other very differently than we speak to women. Paul knew about this in Ephesians 5:33 when he instructed men to love their wives, but he told women to respect their husbands. Men know how to respect, but we sometimes have a little bit of trouble when it comes to love. Paul wanted men and women to learn to speak each other's language.
When discipling men, you must address the big issues of life. If not, they will be distracted and under stress the whole time, which will be a barrier to spiritual growth. Scripture must be the primary textbook and focus of any discipleship effort, but practically we need to put handles on some key topics. It is like a man who is rushed to the emergency room with a major chest wound, and the doctor is more concerned about eating habits and exercise. Those things are important, but "WHAT ABOUT MY CHEST WOUND?"
There are a lot of ways to help your guys with these issues. The assumption is that you already have some level of relationship with these guys since they accepted your invitation of discipleship. You should know or will soon become aware of what particular focus your guys need. You can use a strategic book, a short Bible study, get them connected with a pastor or ministry, give them an exercise or assignment (there are some examples in the appendix), or you can mentor them from your personal experience. Many useful resources are available to find what areas you need to focus on.
Some of these critical issues will require you to change your plan to get them on track. On more minor issues, you will be able to discuss them at strategic times throughout the year.
While each man seems to be dealing with different struggles, all men struggle to balance work and home. These are their two most important areas. To live the abundant life that Christ desires, men must learn to be successful at BOTH work and home. Usually, they are better at one than the other, which leads them to spend more time and energy where they feel most successful. They will go where they get the most praise and run from the one that criticizes them the most. One of our challenges as leaders is to take God's Word and help our men apply it to crucial areas of their life. Help them see what God has to say about work and home. Removing some of the stress and urgency in these areas will free them up to pursue God with more focus and energy.
Work
How many sermons can you remember on work? Or, how much did your dad teach you about work beyond telling you to get a job? It is incredible how little information we received about work compared to how much time we spend at work. Men spend more time at work than everything else combined. The world and personal experience are our most prominent teachers on this topic. Most men have no idea how to integrate what they know about the Bible into their workplace.
When discipling men, you should remember most men get their identity from their work. Have you ever been to a gathering where you had to introduce yourself and get to know new people? The first thing most men ask or share about themselves is what they do for a living. Women start with their families. Men say, "My name is Todd, and I am an accountant." Women say, "My name is Beth. I am married and have two girls". We are very different. Since his identity is associated with his work, his work can affect how he sees himself and values himself.
According to a Gallup survey, almost 80 percent of men feel miscast in their jobs. They are unhappy, underproductive, and unfulfilled. The main problem is that most men have the wrong view of work:
· It is something I have to do.
· I only do it for the money.
· I work so I can party on the weekend.
· My ultimate goal is to retire.
· I hate my job.
· It is a punishment or a burden.
· It's just a job. (No passion, no fulfillment.)
One thing that motivates men is the desire for their lives to make a difference, to leave their mark on the world. Most men try to accomplish this by being the most successful according to the world's standards. This always leaves a man asking: "Is this all there is?" They have unanswered questions about their work:
· Is there one right job for me?
· Does my work matter to God?
· Does God care what I do for a living?
· How much does God work at work?
· If I follow Christian principles at work, will I be as successful as I am now?
· How much work is too much?
God wants us to enjoy life, and work is one of the ways that He accomplishes that goal. God put within us a desire to create and cultivate. We see this modeled in the creation story. God wants us to be stewards of our world. He wants us to initiate positive change in the areas we have influence over – to care for it, bring order to it, and develop it to its full potential for the glory of God.
Having an accurate view of work and approaching it with the right attitude will radically change our perspective on life. Look at how Scripture summarizes a higher opinion of work: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." – Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV).
In this one verse, we can see four things about God's view of work:
· Give your best. We are commanded to work at it with all our hearts. We must glorify God with our effort, attitude, and ability and demonstrate excellence in everything we do.
· We work for God, not men. This will positively impact how we serve our supervisor and our conduct on the job.
· Our reward comes from God. Rewards come in many forms. Prosperity, influence, or blessings like joy, peace, contentment, etc. God promises to meet our every need if we seek Him first. There is more to work than money, wealth, or status.
· All work is a calling from God. This completely changes my focus on the job. I represent God in my place of employment. I am now a missionary, and my workplace is my mission field.
Home
Men are great at pursuing their wives when they first start dating. But after the wedding, life starts to creep in and steal their time, energy, and focus. They begin to pursue their careers, and their family gets the leftovers. This is a dangerous place to be. We must encourage our men to be the spiritual leaders of their homes. They must apply the same effort and drive at home as they do at work. Their family will be vulnerable if they do not lead well at home.
When discipling men, I use the five areas below as talking points throughout the year to ensure they love (and serve) their families like Christ loved the church. That means we put the needs of our wives and families above our own.
Make Disciples. We are all commanded to make disciples. The most important people for you to disciple live in the same house. Discipling our kids should be our first and most crucial ministry objective. Discipling your family is done as you go (along the way and at home). Start early and often. Fathers have the most spiritual influence in the home (good or bad).
Take the initiative. Your wife might be far better than you at praying. She may know a lot more about the Bible than you. It doesn't matter! Leadership means you're the one who says, "Let's pray." You're the one who proposes a plan. You're the one who brings up the conversation so that you can work it out together.
Love Your Wife. Your marriage is the most significant relationship in the home. The best thing you can do for your children is to give them a mother and father who love each other. It is the number one factor in establishing a peaceful home. As a husband, you must continue to pursue your wife. Make these a priority: dialogue daily, date weekly, depart together alone quarterly.
Take Responsibility. Everything that happens in your home is your responsibility. Be proactive and involved in the life of your family. Here are some areas to consider: spiritual health of family, finances, household duties, dating your wife, social media and television (what and how much), safety, your children's education, your children's friends, etc.
Serve Your Family. God created man as the leader of the home, but he is to be a servant leader who puts his family's needs above his own. He is a man who looks to serve instead of a man who expects to be served. Our wives outwork us in the home every day. Look for opportunities to lighten her load and serve your family.
One of the most interesting differences between men and women is how we are wired. Several books go to great lengths to describe these differences. Men's brains are described as compartmentalized and focused on one thing at a time, and women's brains are described as each thought being connected to every other thought. A man will strategically organize his life in boxes. He will have a different box for work, family, church, hobbies, TV, and more. Comedian and marriage expert Mark Gungor describes the TV box as our "nothing box." That is why when our wife asks us what we are doing, we say, "Nothing," because there are times when we are literally focused on nothing.
Compartmentalization can be both a strength and a weakness. Men are problem solvers by nature. They enter a box, size up the "problem," and formulate a solution. "In their careers, they consider what it will take to be successful and focus on it. In communication, they look for the bottom line and get there as quickly as possible". Each box is different and requires us to transition from box to box. The work box and the home box are radically different boxes. Work often requires an aggressive "get it done" attitude, but the home needs a softer approach. Men are frustrated when they come home because they have entered a completely different world. Men need to learn how to transition from work to home successfully.
When discipling men, there are two potential concerns related to being compartmentalized. The first concern is that a man will spend most of his time in the boxes where he can succeed. If he gets kudos at work and complaints at home, he will lean toward working more instead of addressing the issues because he doesn't know how to win at home. This is a formula for disaster and the beginning of almost every divorce story.
The other area of concern is his relationship with Jesus Christ. I understand that church can be another box in our lives, but Christ cannot be put in a box. We need to help men integrate Christ into every aspect of life. That seems common sense, but I have had to address it in every group over the last 20 years. Men pick and choose (consciously or unconsciously) to which boxes they will give Christ access. Problem areas are usually working, money, hobbies, and media. If Jesus is not Lord of all, then he is not Lord at all. Look for ways to shine light into the dark corners of their lives. Ask probing or thought-provoking questions to help them evaluate how well they surrender every area of their lives.
Part of being a man is learning to take responsibility. The opposite is true: part of being a man is rejecting passivity. Passivity is when men don't take action when they should. In Genesis 3:1-7, we see Eve conversing with the serpent, ultimately being convinced to eat the apple and bring sin into the world. The sad part is that Adam was there the whole time. He should have stepped in between Eve and the serpent. Adam should have said no to the apple. He should have taken action, but instead, he was passive and watched the whole thing happen. Passivity is robbing men of the blessings of walking with God.
In his book The Dog Poop Initiative, Kirk Weisler shares a story involving dog poop. Picture this scene. There are kids at a soccer game, and dog poop is in the middle of the field. People are pointing it out, talking about it, and warning others to watch out for it. Finally, one of the fathers in the stands goes and, modeling for his son on the field, picks up the dog poop and throws it away. He does not complain or talk about it, or panic about it. He does something about it. He throws off passivity and acts. He leads.
Men are ignoring serious issues every day. They are passive at home when they should lead, shepherding their families, and lovingly serving their wives. They should be the spiritual catalyst in their homes. They don't have to be a biblical scholar, but they do need to set the pace and model it for their family. Men are passive at church when they should apply their talents, resources, and influence to advance the kingdom. It amazes me that men can build and lead massive companies but can't organize a simple project for the church or local ministry. Men are passive in our communities when we neglect opportunities to share the gospel with the lost world, serve our neighbors, or stand up for what we believe. "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
When discipling men, we must encourage them to take the initiative and reject passivity. God has blessed us not to advance our wealth and status but to bring glory to His name. This is done step by step and decision by decision. Each step is one of obedience. That is how we follow Christ. A quote says, "a need perceived is an assignment given." When God makes a need known to us, it is an invitation to join Him in meeting that need. Jesus teaches us to go the extra mile when he says in Matthew 5:42 (NIV), "Give to the one who asks you and don't turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." We can't fix the whole world, but we can take action on the things within our influence.
Real men reject passivity and accept responsibility.
Let me address the myth that men don't like to talk. While it is true that it is difficult to get men to speak initially, once you get past the surface level, they will not stop talking. We were created for relationship. Men enjoy relationships but dislike the awkward stage of getting to know someone. That is why so many men only have a few good friends. Doing a few shoulder-to-shoulder activities early on in the group will serve you well to help build these relationships.
I honestly have no idea why this is true, but it is evident in many ways. Men don't like to open up face-to-face as women do. They are naturally guarded. Even the very talkative and outgoing guys usually keep the conversation on a surface level. I have the best results when we do things together, like watching a ballgame, helping each other on a project around the house, on a road trip, or at the gym. It is while rubbing shoulders that most men have their best conversations.
When discipling men, you have to get out of the group setting from time to time. Organize some group activities or plan a meeting around an event or activity. Relationship is crucial to the discipleship process. You can't have effective accountability until you get past the surface conversations. Don't expect to get to know a guy without spending time doing life together. Tim LaFleur likes to say, "no contact, no impact."
In 1914, Sir Ernest Shackleton placed the following ad in a London newspaper: "Men Wanted: for Hazardous Journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success." It resulted in over 5,000 applications. Only 27 men were chosen for the ill-fated attempt to reach Antarctica.
This story perfectly illustrates that men are, by nature, risk-takers and adventurous. They like the challenge for the sake of the challenge. But when it comes to church, we too often try to make things easy for men. We make the books easier to read, shorten the Bible studies, and provide comfortable seats in air-conditioned rooms. We adjust the curriculum so that all they have to do is show up.
The truth is, Christianity is not safe, it is not easy, and it is not comfortable.
Men don't avoid church or Bible studies because they think it is hard. They avoid it because they don't see the value in it. We need to introduce the men of our church to the real Jesus and challenge them to live up to authentic, biblical manhood. Jesus is a man's man; he stood up for the weak, fought against injustice, and endured intense persecution while teaching us how to love others. He is the perfect example of biblical masculinity.
Don't be afraid to challenge your men and raise the spiritual bar in their lives. Men will go to war for something they believe in. They are looking for something to give their lives to and to leave a legacy. Nothing can satisfy that need more completely than following Jesus Christ and making disciples.
In our struggle to be the man God created us to be, some roadblocks and pitfalls continually trip us up. We must look for these recurring traps and make the necessary adjustments to avoid them. I heard John Maxwell tell a story at Promise Keepers back in the mid-90s that stuck with me. A man walking down the street fell into a big hole. The next day he was walking down the same street and tried to avoid the hole but fell in like the day before. The next day the hole was still there, but he'd learned his lesson. He walked down a different street. Like him, our men keep falling into the same hole over and over.
Below is a short list of big pitfalls that have tripped up many men. Victory over sin is not our goal because it is unachievable on this side of eternity. Our focus should be on obedience. A desire to obey God is a key indicator of a man who loves the Lord. John 14:21 says, "The one who has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. And the one who loves me will be loved by my Father. I also will love him and will reveal myself to him."
Isolation. We are not meant to live life alone. I believe that men become men in the presence of other men. These critical relationships with trustworthy and reliable men give us strength in numbers. Do you have accountable relationships in your life?
Sexual idolatry. Sexual desires are a gift from God when pursuing His noble pathways, but they become very destructive when we attempt to satisfy these desires outside marriage. Take the necessary steps to protect yourself – accountability, web filters, passwords, etc.
Fear. We fear all the wrong things: We are afraid of what others think about us, fearful of failure, and afraid of taking risks. Fear comes from looking at ourselves and our circumstances instead of looking at God and His strength. Are you putting your hope in Christ or yourself?
Anger. We are often angry because we don't know how to express or handle the current situation or emotion. A mature man learns to respond appropriately to a particular situation and not react emotionally. Have you surrendered your emotions to God?
Pride. In Proverbs 16:18, it says, "Pride comes before destruction...." Please stay humble before the Lord, and don't think too highly of yourself.
Exhaustion. I make terrible decisions and have a short fuse when I am tired. Many of us live our lives without any margin. We over-schedule, over-promise, and overwork. Life happens in the margin, so make sure you stay balanced in your life's key areas.
Boredom. My Momma always said, "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop." If you are bored, God has an antidote: purpose. We were created to be on an adventure with God. Rick Warren said it best: "It's not about finding the right career, achieving your dreams, planning your life, or reducing your schedule. It's really about, 'Why did God put you here?'"
There are vital relationships that every man should have. I don't think any man is exempt from these relationships.
A Paul – Every man needs someone to invest in them. You will probably have several Pauls throughout your life. He can come in the form of a mentor, teacher, coach, or pastor. Best-case scenario, your dad should play this role in your life. When you are discipling men, you are playing the role of Paul in their life.
A Timothy – This is a man you are pouring your life into. He is your disciple. Most men sit and soak but never take the initiative to invest in others. The Paul and Timothy relationship is modeled for us throughout the New Testament. Your first priority as a Paul is to mentor your family.
A Barnabas – This man is running the race with you. He is a close friend and confidant. He cannot be your wife. Many men struggle maintaining close friendships and never go beneath the surface with other men, suffering for it. It would be best if you had accountability with someone you trust. It is critical for your success.
The Lost – We must be in the world, but not of the world. Many people pull away from unchurched friends when they become a Christian. How can we reach a lost world if we don't build relationships with people who don't know Jesus?
Accountability is critical to the success of the disciple-making process. It is non-negotiable. If you don't lead your group to be accountable to each other, they will never go beyond the surface level. Two things are true in every group I've had. First, men don't feel comfortable sharing their feelings or weaknesses. Second, men think they are the only one who struggles in their spiritual lives or with certain temptations. The second is probably caused by the first, but both need to be addressed to have any significant growth. The most important thing they need to know, related to accountability, is that ALL men are struggling with something. We are ALL better individuals when we can confidently and openly encourage each other within a safe group. We will discuss accountability more in later chapters.
Discussion Questions
If you are working through these training sessions independently, take some time and process these questions.
Why do you think it is important to lead men and women differently in a discipleship group?
How can you implement this information into your discipleship group?