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Understanding Your Role

It Starts with You - As you prepare to lead a group, I pray that you will not take it lightly. I pray that you would heed the words of Joshua when he told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you" (Joshua 3:5). I believe that God is doing amazing things through this ministry and through men and women who are on their knees before The Lord Almighty. God does not expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to follow Him and to surrender every area of our lives to Him. Be the man or woman that God created you to be and lead courageously.

Understanding Your Role

In the New Testament, we see the perfect model in Jesus with His disciples or with Paul and Timothy. In both cases, there is a clear leader in the relationship. We see this relationship in the secular world when we look at coaches, teachers, and even parents. In every case, the leader is older with more experience or is more educated or mature in a particular field.

The biggest mistake I see from first-time leaders is forming their group with individuals from within their friend group or spiritual peers. They think it will be less pressure because their peers don't need anything from them, nor will they ask too much from them. It will be easy. Let me first say that these groups are not bad. They usually meet regularly to discuss the bible and hold each other accountable. There is nothing wrong with that. However, that is not a discipleship group. It is an accountability group. Most of the time, these groups will not have an end date, they will not replicate, and they usually end up meeting for breakfast and talking about surface level stuff. The best testimonies I get from these groups are about how long they have been meeting, with no reference to any spiritual growth.

A group without a leader will lack direction and intentionality. We all need time to hang out with people at the same stage of life. It is a meaningful relationship everyone needs. But discipleship without a leader is like being raised by your brothers, with each one having equal responsibility. That process leaves big holes in our development. Can you imagine a world without fathers and mothers intentionally leading at home? You don't have to imagine it; just look out your window. We need someone to rise to the challenge and pass the baton to the next generation. Jesus said it this way "Go and make disciples." When you are ready to lead a discipleship group, look for men and women within your influence circle. Ideally, you want to recruit individuals who are 1 to 2 stages behind you in life or spiritual maturity. You can't lead someone to a place you have never been. When a they says yes to being discipled by you, they do so because they see the maturity in you that they want. They are giving you permission to lead. You now have the opportunity to leverage this influence to make a faithful follower of Christ. Spiritual Parenting is how we accomplish this task.

Spiritual Parenting

Paul refers to Timothy as his dearly loved son. That is your role in the life of the men and women you are discipling. They need strong and loving leadership from you. Just like the parent preparing to send their child off to college, it is your role to equip and prepare them for the road ahead. I got the opportunity to disciple my sons-in-law during their first year of marriage. I was very intentional because I knew how it would impact my daughters.

Throughout the letters of Paul, we see the picture of a strong godly mentor discipling the next generation. He uses a common word picture to illustrate the relationship between himself and those he is discipling.

1 Thessalonians 2:11 (HCSB)

11 As you know, like a father with his own children, 12 we encouraged, comforted and implored each one of you to walk worthy of God, who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.

2 Corinthians 6:13 (HCSB)

13 I speak as to my children. As a proper response, you should also be open to us.

1 Corinthians 4:14-17 (HCSB)

14 I'm not writing this to shame you, but to warn you as my dear children. 15 For you can have 10,000 instructors in Christ, but you can't have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. 16 Therefore I urge you to imitate me. 17 This is why I have sent Timothy to you. He is my dearly loved and faithful son in the Lord. He will remind you about my ways in Christ Jesus, just as I teach everywhere in every church.

Galatians 4:19 (HCSB)

19 My children, I am again suffering labor pains for you until Christ is formed in you.:"

Paul uses the father-son relationship to demonstrate his perspective and attitude when investing in the next generation. This kind of intentionality and love is needed (along with the help of the Holy Spirit) to produce faithful followers of Christ. He models how a loving father would raise his son. Children grow through both instruction from and imitation of their parents. Paul says, "Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ." 1 Cor 11:1

The idea of spiritual parenting makes sense but can be very imitating to put into action. Most people don't seem to have a problem taking the leadership role in a relationship at work or in a coaching environment. Still, when it comes to being a spiritual authority, we quickly disqualify ourselves. If that is the way you feel, you are not alone. I had a guy in my office struggling with having a difficult conversation with one of the men in his group. This guy was older (50+ like me), and the guys in his group were all in their mid-thirties. The problem was he saw himself as one of the guys even though he was the group's clear leader. He didn't see himself as a spiritual father, preventing him from seeing his men as sons in the faith. We talked about all the men who spoke truth into our lives and impacted our lives over the years. I told him that he was that guy to his men.

You don't have to be older or even a parent to be as intentional as a spiritual father. Even a young married guy seems old to someone in college. No one has an excuse when it comes to making disciples. All of us have something to offer the next generation. If you don't feel qualified, then get qualified. If you are young, then disciple someone in college or high school. If you don't have influence, put yourself in a place to build that influence. Join a class, a team, or an organization to build relationships. Then make disciples.

What does your group need from you?

To help you understand your role, I have listed six things a child needs from their parent to illustrate what your group needs from you. I am suggesting a commitment well beyond a table leader. It will require you to do life with them. You can't just attend the meetings and leave. Discipleship is up close and personal. Make sure you count the cost on the front end because your investment in them will shape how they make disciples in the future. A good parent is not looking to do the minimum but does whatever is needed to help their child succeed.

Spiritual parenting was modeled for me when I was discipled. Dwayne was excellent in our meetings but was at his best outside the group. We would meet to play tennis and then spend hours talking after we played. He would ask how I was doing in different areas of my life, and he would encourage me. He invited Beth and me to his home to dinner with his family. He would call me early in the morning to make sure I was up and out of bed to do my quiet time because I told him I was struggling to get up early. I would answer the call, and he would ask, "are your feet on the floor?" He taught me a lot about being a man. I learned everything on the list below from him. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

(1) Relationship Matters.

Relationship is the special sauce of discipleship. Make every effort to build and strengthen relationships. It is your most powerful tool. Relationship builds influence, and influence can be leveraged in a person’s life. You can make a bigger impact through a relationship than through position. I think most people are looking for mentor-type figures in their lives. Think about all the most impactful people in our lives – a parent, a coach, a teacher, or a supervisor. They are all mentors because of their influence and or relationship. When one of my daughters makes a mistake, I want them to say, "This is going to kill my dad," versus "My dad is going to kill me." One response is motivated out of fear of consequences, but the other is worried about damaging the relationship. That is what I am trying to achieve in my group. I am heavily invested in my guys because I want the very best for them. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. They are more willing to follow when they know my commitment to them and how much I care.

How to develop a relationship with your group:

Time. Someone said that children spell love T-I-M-E. There is no way to build a relationship with your group unless you spend time with them. This is both during your meetings and outside of your meetings. You never know when the teachable moment is going to happen. You cannot schedule quality time. You can only schedule quantity time, and quality time happens along the way. The guys in my groups are usually out of my Life Group (community groups), which means we meet once a week with our spouses in addition to our discipleship time. We also have regular social functions within the Life Group. If you are not already doing life with your guys, you need to be more intentional about spending time together. Examples include one-on-one meetings, having them over to your house, or group bonding activities.

Prioritize the individuals in your group. I tell my group to call me every year if they need anything. I always take their calls or respond as quickly as possible. I make sure that I make their families a priority as well. I don't just say hello as I am walking by. I want to get to know them as well.

Listen. The only way to know someone is to listen to them. It makes them feel valued. I love the quote by Steven Covey "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Even James tells us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Encourage. Look for every opportunity to encourage the men and women in your group. They live in a world that is constantly attacking them and tearing them down. Encouragement is a powerful motivation. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, "And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching."

Always be proud but never satisfied. That sounds like a dad, right? I am proud of every effort and sacrifice they make along the way, but I love them too much to let them settle for anything less than their best. Many people are counting on the people in your group, and I feel it is my responsibility to get them ready.

(2) Set the Example (Model it)

Your example is one of the most powerful teaching tools in the discipleship process. More is caught (from watching) than taught (by listening). You can learn a lot from watching someone older lead their family or balance life's priorities. The leader must model what they are teaching. "Your walk talks, and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks."

This is most evident when looking at the father and his young son. The son tries to do everything like his dad. He dresses like dad, wants tools like dad, talks like dad, etc. (same is true with mothers and daughters)

Jesus knew this when he invited the disciples in Matt 4:19 by saying, "come follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." He knew they would learn more by watching and experiencing than by listening or reading a book. Several times, the disciples would ask why you do this or how you do that. He didn't tell them to go and figure it out. He said watch me, and I will show you and teach you. The apostle Paul was replicating what Jesus did when he said in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "imitate me as I imitate Christ." Paul instructs Timothy to do the same thing with his disciples in 2 Timothy 2:2 "What you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also."

We are at the end of a long line of men and women who have set a good example and walked the talk. They have passed it on to us, and our responsibility is now to model this for the next generation. Here are a couple of tips:

Don't ask them to do what you are not willing to do. This is huge! If you ask them to memorize scripture, you must also memorize it. It won't be important to them if it is not important to you. We need to model how to be a godly man or women. They will follow your example. You can't lead someone to a place you are unwilling to go. Set the bar high in your own life.

Be Transparent. Let them see behind the curtain of your life. Most of the time, they are comparing their lives to your life. The problem is they see all their failures and mistakes but can only see the polished outside of your life. It makes them feel like they are the only one who struggles. The truth is everyone struggles. One of the best things you can show them is how you respond when you fall. This will go a long way in establishing a healthy environment of accountability within the group.

Take them with you. You can only model so much during your discipleship meetings. If you have a ministry opportunity, a mission trip, or a hospital visit, take them with you so they can watch. Give them access to your life.

Invite them to your house. Let them see you interacting with your family. Don't give them the visitors treatment - you know when everything looks perfect (you just vacuumed, dishes are clean, all the clutter is dangerously shoved in a closet). Invite them to a typical night. I had a guy over one night when my daughters were little, and it was time for bed. I invited him to come in and pray with us. My daughter was a little over a year, and she kneeled by her bed and said the sweetest prayer (she made me look really good). It made a significant impact on this guy. He still brings it up 20 years later.

Be yourself. Don't try to imitate someone else. I see this all the time. God made you to be you. He did it on purpose. The people in your circle of influence need to see you live out your faith. They want to know if they can do it and if they are good enough. When you open up to your group revealing your unique combination of strengths, weakness, failures, personality quirks, etc. It empowers them. That is one of the most amazing things within the sovereignty of God. I had a guy in a group a couple of years ago that had a wild past and still had influence with those guys through his work. I challenged him to invest in the guys he worked with because only he had enough street cred to reach those guys. God is using him in a way that would be impossible for me.

(3) Train AND Instruct

Paul gives instructions to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 "… bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord". You, as the group leader, need to do both instruct them on how to do it and then train them to do it. When I was in elementary school, my father brought me up in the training and instruction of baseball. I remember watching baseball on TV, and he would explain what was happening. He INSTRUCTED me on the rules, how to keep score, and the fundamentals of the game. Later he took me to the field to TRAIN me on how to play. He did this by throwing and catching the ball with me. He threw the ball slowly to me so I could hit it, and later, he threw it harder so I couldn't hit it. And finally, he gave me fielding practice by hitting ground balls.

That sounds like common sense. You probably think that is the only way to teach someone to play baseball. How well would I do if he only instructed me and sent me to play on a team? I would have failed miserably and probably never tried again. But that is how so many teach in the church. It is instruction only without hands-on training.

You will see both training and instruction if you watch Jesus and the disciples. In the beginning, it was all teaching (Sermon on the Mount). As time went on, Jesus gave them some hands-on training where they helped with feeding the 5,000, and later, he sent them out on their own. It takes both, and there are no shortcuts.

In later chapters, we will discuss specific topics you need to focus on with your group. There is no comprehensive list, but you always want to start by focusing on the fundamentals. Even professional football teams still work on blocking and tackling. Once you have built a solid foundation, you can start building on it.

(4) Accountability

In the context of what a child needs from a parent, they need discipline. As an adult, they must be held accountable to discipline themselves. A spiritual parent uses their relationship and influence wisely to help mold the disciple. We will discuss accountability in the group in a later chapter. Here we are focusing on what the disciple needs from the group leader.

Tough Love. You need to be willing to have hard conversations when necessary. To speak the truth when it is hard to hear and rebuke when necessary. Proverbs 27:6 says, "wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." I would rather be rebuked by someone I trust who cares about me than someone I barely know. We need people in our lives who will tell us the hard things.

Love, not Ridicule. Accountability is not a free pass to ridicule or crush someone when they slip up. Accountability is meant to help and restore. Make sure your response is appropriate.

Acceptance. Our mistakes and our sins do not define us. We all fall short of the Glory of God. Make sure they know you are for them and believe in them, but they are accountable for their actions.

Set the bar high. One of my favorite strategies is to stretch them to grow them. When setting their goals or expectations, ensure they are obtainable but require effort. If I see someone doing the minimum, I raise it to make them stretch. It is not a good sign if your group is aiming at minimum requirements. That will not serve them well in life.

General Accountability. At the beginning of the year, you establish expectations for the year. Those expectations include homework, scripture memory, journaling, attendance, and more. Hold them accountable to these commitments. If they are unwilling to meet the expectations, then it may be time for some difficult conversations about remaining in the group. There is a big difference between unwilling and unable. Look for the balance between too rigid and too soft. Neither extreme is good for them.

(5) Pray for them

The best thing you can do for your group is be on your knees, praying for them. Paul records a prayer in every one of his letters. Not only does he value prayer, but he is modeling for us how to pray for our group. He genuinely cares for his disciples. James 5:16 says, "…the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective". We desire to lead men and women to become fully committed followers of Christ. That will not happen without prayer. You can't effectively talk to your group about God until you have talked to God about your group. Jesus prayed for the disciples, Paul prayed for his disciples, and we need to pray for our disciples.

Below is a prayer from Paul to the disciples in Colossae. If you want to learn how to pray for your disciples (or loved ones); follow Paul's example.

Colossians 1:9-12 (HCSB)

9 For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven't stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, 10 so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God. 11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy 12 giving thanks to the Father…..

(1) Ask God to help your group to know God's will for their lives. (1:9)

(2) Ask God to give your group wisdom and understanding. (1:9)

(3) Pray that their lives will honor and please the Lord. (1:10)

(4) Pray that their lives will produce every kind of good fruit. (1:10)

(5) Pray that your group will know God more and more. (1:10)

(6) Ask God to give them strength for endurance and patience. (1:11)

(7) Ask God to fill them with Joy. (1:11)

(8) Pray that they would be grateful for all God has done. (1:12)

Here are a couple more prayers from Paul

• Ephesians 1:17-19

• Ephesians 3:16-19

• Philippians 1:9-11

(6) Prepare them for the future

Psalm 127:4-5 "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons born in one's youth. Happy is the man who has filled his quiver with them." A warrior would take particular care with his bow and arrows. He couldn't go down to the gun shop and restock. He handcrafted and shaped each one. Arrows weren't made to stay in the quiver and look good. They are meant to be launched with the purpose of making an impact on their target. When discipling your group, you need to have the end in mind. They were created for a purpose. Make sure they are prepared for the future.

I remember sending my daughters off to college because it was only a couple of years ago and because it was excruciating. My wife and I spent their whole life getting them ready to launch. The week before we dropped our oldest off at Liberty University, I started to prepare a letter for her. It took me multiple attempts to write because of the tears. I wanted her to know three things, I love you, I am proud of you, and I believe in you. All I could think about during the process was whether I did enough. Could I have done more?

I would not wish that pain on anyone, but it is coming for almost all of us. Many groups try to avoid that pain by staying together for years and never investing in anyone else. That is not healthy or biblical. We are God's sovereign plan to impact the world. You can't do that if you barricade yourself in a holy huddle. Relationships don't have to end when the group is over. The mission and the relationships continue to grow.

You must begin with the end in mind. You must prepare them to launch from your group, or they will never become disciple-makers. Replication is the natural response, and it is a blessing. My daughters are starting to stretch their wings and make decisions on their own. I am still holding the rope, but they are running entirely on their own and doing great. There is great joy in seeing your disciples make disciples who make disciples. Every resource I have is available to them. My goal is to help them be successful long term. I love to hear stories of marriages or families being restored because of the investment from one of my disciples.

There is an excellent story about Johnny Weissmuller, who won 5 Olympic gold medals for swimming in the 1920s. When Johnny first began to swim competitively, his lap times were faster in his home pool than at away meets. This confused his coach until he realized that his home pool had lines on the bottom that helped Johnny swim in a straight line and thus swim faster. His coach had to teach him to swim in a straight line when there were no lines in the pool. The same is true for us as mentors. Our job is to help our group successfully live in a lost world by navigating according to the truth of God's Word. Satan will constantly try to derail them and distract them, but God's Word is always a light to our path.

Discussion Questions

If you are working through these training sessions independently, take some time and process these questions.

What do you think about spiritual parenting? Inspiring or Intimidating?

Spiritual parenting is evident in the models set by Jesus and Paul. Why don’t more groups take this approach?

What is the make of your group? Are they peers or are they 1-2 stages behind you?

What kind of influence do you have in the members of your group?

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