Gay & Lonely

I don't really mean to generalize, but I DO have to admit that of all the “Gay and ...” topics that one can talk about, loneliness is either at the top of the list of nearly so. Why is that? And don't tell me it ain't so, for my personal life experience wreaks of loneliness leading to my failed suicide attempts that littered my teenage years. And it's not just me. I do believe that homosexuals kill themselves in record numbers, and it's not because they (and me) are happy, connected, and fulfilled as human beings. It is because there is a level of loneliness in our lives that cannot be denied, no matter what our relationship with God is at any point of our lives. Or even if there is no relationship with God whatsoever.

Genesis 3:8 verifies that God used to walk in the Garden of Eden Himself in the cool of the day, so one must believe that if God is in the garden and Adam is in the garden, that it is quite possible that God and Adam walked together in the garden, and conversed about topics of interest to both. The reason that God made Eve was, according to His statement in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” What? That paradox has always been puzzling to me. Here is Adam, created by God and living in paradise on Earth, and able to hang out with the God of the universe, the God who created all things, and from whom everything that is living gets its life and form. Adam is sinless and naked, and wants for nothing. And yet God states that Adam is alone? How could that be? Adam walked with God. How in the world could he be considered alone?

Let's examine that paradox by looking at a modern-day analogy that might help us understand how Adam could be considered alone while walking with God in the cool of the day in the Garden of Eden. There is a 42 year old man who has a 17 year old son, Greg. The two live in the same house, and each loves the other very much. They hang out a lot, doing stuff together like miniature golf, tossing the football or baseball, or playing basketball as time permits.

While that scenario is cool and sweet, and Greg loves being with his dad, there is something that also says that Greg needs to be around other guys his age to bond and relate to. So when Greg goes to his high school's sporting event in which he is not a player, he goes and sits with his buddies from school. When Greg goes to his church, he hangs out with other boys and girls his age in the youth group, not his parents or other ancient adults. That does not mean he does not like those people, but that part of the DNA of humans is to hang out with others in one's own age group. For some reason, humans have a deep-seated affinity to spend time with people their own age (or perhaps a little younger since many people mature chronologically faster than they do emotionally).

God of course, created Adam. Adam's DNA was designed by that same God to want to relate with and be with other humans just like Greg liked to be with his peers even though he was “made” by his parents. Also, God's garden was capable of handling more than just one guy, and God wanted mankind to have a part of the joy of creating something that will live forever (other eternal souls).

So God, when He stated that it is not good for man to be alone, was not saying that God was in any way insufficient, but rather that He designed mankind to fellowship with other human beings because let's face it, you and I have more in common with each other than either of us does with God (even though we are made in His image). After the fall of mankind in the Garden, you and I had a LOT less in common with God than we did with other sinners, who also happened to be human. So in this case, likes attracted each other, and humans sought the company of other humans for companionship, and still do, even when such companionship might be either sinful, destructive, or unfulfilled. Sometimes it sucks to be human. Well, most of the time. But like the saying goes, "c'est la vie" (such is life).

When Adam and Eve sinned, they broke that bond with their Creator, and were expelled from the Garden of Eden forever. Super major bummer! Because of that sin and its results, mankind would never realize anything even close to a perfect relationship, either with his God or with his fellow human beings, at least in this lifetime. So whether it is between two humans, or two mighty nations, relationships with contention (strife) are common and expected, though not desired. It's the badge of being human, like it or not.

So what does this have to do with being gay and lonely? I cannot speak for anyone else, but in my own personal life my homosexuality and my inability to ideally relate to other human beings are part of the same blob of my brain that affects those characteristics. In other words, my sexuality circuit is not working as I'd like it to, and that also unfortunately affects my ability to relate to other human beings. Not to the point that I'm a hermit, living in a cave somewhere. But to the point that I have trouble making true friends, and retaining them. Much more so I believe than if I was straight. To this day I simply cannot imagine in my wildest dreams what it would be like to truly be loved in the strongest sense by either God or another human. To be the pinnacle and loving focus of another human being's life is beyond my comprehension. To be one who is totally loved by God is also hard to grasp. I just don't have the circuitry to process that information in any meaningful way. Being imperfect as a human does have its downsides, I'll admit. I'm hoping and praying that God won't hold my inability to understand and enjoy deep relationships against me. I will strive to love God to the greatest extent I can, however insufficient that may actually be. I think God understands and forgives that deficiency.

Part of the loneliness of homosexuality is the shame and embarrassment of being homosexual in what is more or less a straight world. We homosexuals are shunned, looked down upon, thought of as inferior, and certainly condemned by others to Hell for just being homosexual. Talk about self-esteem problems! Many of us have no one to call our own, and feel that if we died tomorrow, no one would know or care. That lack of self-meaning is, I believe, the genesis of the wave of suicide that has hit the homosexual community in large proportions especially in the last 100 years. I will cover my own failed suicide attempts elsewhere, but let us just say that homosexuality and loneliness are no strangers to each other and are often the catalysts for one ending one's existence on this planet.

I feel from my viewing of young homosexual men's pages on social networking sites that for many of them loneliness is huge in their lives. Their home pages drip with loneliness, self-loathing, and unfortunately thoughts of self-destruction. And I fully understand why, having gone through the same thing, but in a time when acceptance or understanding of homosexuality was much less by society than it is today.

For me, loneliness is in some ways a choice. Yes, thanks to being homosexual and yet wanting desperately to experience eternal life in Heaven, I often choose to be alone because I have stated that I will absolutely allow nothing at all to keep me from entering God's holy realm of Heaven when I die. Being alone, I am able to think, pray, and put into my mind the influences that will help me to be able to love, serve, and glorify Jesus Christ every day of my life; even as the defective human being that I am, and that Jesus died for, amazingly enough. After all, He is the one who has the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven, and He alone will determine who gets in and who is excluded. And I would do anything to get in, even if it means going through life completely alone, isolated, and excluded from human companionship, especially the more deep and intimate types of relationships all of us humans so greatly crave.

I at one time wanted to go live in a monastery, and live a life of prayer and loneliness. But God said that He had other plans for me, and if I wanted to serve Him, a monastic existence would not be an acceptable part of that. That is because He has asked me to share my story with others, and one cannot do that as well when one is set apart from all other humans. So here I live, part of the world, but yet apart from it. It is a life that I tolerate because I see at the end of my life eternal life with my Creator and His creations who love, worship and adore Him. But I'm still lonely, and God knows that and that is my “cross to bear” until I die. But God also puts the Holy Spirit into my life to encourage me, and lift me up when all else seems to be a failure.

Loneliness for me is like shaving or brushing one's teeth. It is something that happens in order to achieve other goals. It in itself is not an end nor something very pleasurable. I don't wake up in the morning and say, “wow, I get to shave yet another day.” I do it because failure to do so will have effects that I do not wish to happen. I tolerate loneliness for the same reason, though with much larger ramifications! When it comes to my eternal life, as the cliché goes, “failure is NOT an option.”

If you are gay and lonely, welcome to the club. However, rather than just try and mitigate that loneliness with one failed homosexual experience after another, why not turn that loneliness into an opportunity to worship and glorify God. Submit your life to Jesus Christ with the assurance that by doing so, that loneliness will be of very short duration compared to an eternity that you will be subject to after you die. Are you willing to trade something you cannot keep for something that you cannot lose? That is how I look at earthly relationships. Temporary. Fleeting. Vapor. Unlike eternity. I only dearly wish I had known all of this when I was planning my own suicide many times those many years ago. What a difference it would have made.