Erynne McCown 

ENGL 1120 

February 28, 2025 

Love thy Mother  

I was sitting on the bedroom floor with my legs curled up into my core. My head was so hot to where I could feel the migraine forming in my temples while tears ran down my face fast, too fast for the humming ceiling fan to dry them. My cell phone was held up to my ear and everything I was hearing was disappointing, revolting, and disheartening. This the voice of my mother confirming her decision, her decision to stay with him. We are going to refer to this person as he/him because this story is not about him and will never be about him; this story is about my mother.  

My mom, she is the woman who gave me the gift of life, she held my hand on my first day of kindergarten, cheered me on at my volleyball games, and she was the woman who was supposed to love me the most in this world, or at least I thought. I don’t want to say that my mom does not love me, but I do think that she made some mistakes when prioritizing how she dispersed her love.  

Getting back to the moment in which I was on the phone with my mom. I could hear her voice, there was a slight tremble which made me think that she was not assured by the words that were coming out of her mouth. I could also hear him in the background telling her what to say; my mom’s thoughts were rarely her own. Her mind was constantly foggy and manipulated by him. Everything she was telling me was unreal; it was as if my feelings were not being spared. The trust that we once held tightly in our relationship was loosened and was ultimately gone; taken.  

While I was crying, I looked up and saw my best friend and reality hit; I was in her bedroom, sitting on her floor, with my back against her bedroom wall. She was witnessing one of the most painful moments in my life and by her instinct, she hugged me. This was the best thing she could do for me in this moment, because her warm hug was exactly what I needed at the time. She told me to hang up the phone because what was happening on the other end was not worth my tears any longer.  

After I hung up the phone, there was a moment of silence where thoughts were racing through my head and every single one of them added to my confusion. I was confused as to whether my mom loved me or not. I felt a moment of desperation; I wanted her to be with me but she wasn’t. I was alone, I felt so unbelievably alone in this moment. The only things my mind could grasp were my thoughts. I was reflecting on the hardship this man had put me through for the past decade of my life. There was constant manipulation, harassment, and abuse in the home and while sitting on the bedroom floor, all I could do was breathe fresh air. The air that was not contaminated by his words.  

The effects that the love from a mother has on a child is stronger than most people understand or realize; I began to realize this as time went on. I spent every day in despair, no longer speaking to my mom, I felt so disconnected from my family and I felt like no one understood the severity of the situation due to how brainwashed they were by the effects of him; everyone but me.  

During the time away from my mom and my family I fell into a state of depression. I felt like there was no place where I truly belonged in this world, if my own mother didn't choose me, I wondered who would. If the one person who was supposed to love me the most in this world didn't love me, then who would. And if she didn’t care about my well-being, then who would. These negative thoughts lived in my head and were the biggest toxin. The only thing that I knew could help relieve this toxin was my faith.  

Throughout my life, I loved and worshiped the Lord, but my faith was not as strong as I had yearned for. At this time in my life, I began to pray as often as I could because I knew that if I prayed, the Lord would listen and give me guidance. I needed to put my trust in God and understand that he would choose me, that he loved me, and that he did care about my well-being. 

In time, while I was strengthening my faith, I began to understand that “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18).  While listening to the Lord, I decided that since I had accomplished loving myself, what I needed to do at this time was forgive my mom for the pain she caused me. The best thing I could do was show her the love that she had lacked because when the sun went down each night, she was my mother, and the love that her daughter’s heart holds is unconditional.