An excerpt from The Washing of the Bandages by Pastor Pansy Green

Chapter 3: There's a War Amongst My Members

I find then a law that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. ~ Galatians 3:21-23

I was growing in God. He had made me into a tree. I had roots. I was understanding the Word of God and the works of Christ Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But there was one thing I couldn’t quite grasp or obtain: what the principle of holiness meant. I remember tarrying at the altar until something broke, and I would be on my knees at the altar until my knees were achy, red, and raw. But when I got up and left the house of God, I still kept falling short of His glory.

I think Paul says it best in Romans 7:14-25 (NKJV):

14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal,

sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not

understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice;

but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to

do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no

longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know

that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to

will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I

do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do;

but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do

what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin

that dwells in me.

22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward

man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring

against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity

to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched

man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of

death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Just like Paul, there was a war amongst my members. “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil that I hate, that I do.” Oh, how I used to crucify and condemn myself straight to hell for not walking in the holiness that God requires of His children. Somehow I missed the part of how even on my best day, in my best righteousness, I’m still no more than a filthy rag (Isaiah 64:6). Somehow I missed the part that a righteous man falls seven times but he rises again (Proverbs 24:16). But what makes him righteous is that he gets back up and keeps pressing towards the mark of the prize of the high-calling in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14). Hallelujah! 

But somehow, I missed all of that.  So for a long time, I thought I would miss heaven because I couldn’t seem to be holy without sin. But even in my error, I still loved the church. I still loved the atmosphere of what the church represented. The church was my second family. The pastor, his family, the church members, they were all my family. And the older ladies of the church were all my mothers. Even though I kept falling short of what God required of me, I still found a love for the church that even to this day, I have never allowed anyone to convince me of anything negative in referring to the Church. To this day, the Church still holds a great place in my heart—and I’m not talking about a specific church but about the Body of Christ.

So let me fast forward my story. I grew up in the church and I knew what was right and what was wrong according to God’s principles, but when I got older, I found myself walking away from the church. Even though I walked away from the church, I knew I could always go back and find peace there when I found myself going through hard things in life. But I walked away from the church and became involved with a man who was older than myself. Next thing I know, I ended up pregnant by him and something in me wouldn’t allow me to go back to church. 

So I found myself making a lot of mistakes. I started acting like the world, but I still had a love and respect for the church. And I knew when I came back to the church, it would be final. Now I can imagine by now, my story is starting to look like a lot of other people’s stories. But in all my negative ways and behaviors, I still knew that one day, I would return to the church, the place where I found peace, happiness, friends and family.

But I stayed out there for a long time, about six years to be exact. While I was out there, I met my husband. Yes, we met at a party, but I knew he would be my husband the same night I met him. ***

[excerpt ends here]