Separation in the eyes of a child

Often, there are reasons why families separate from their children. Sometimes these are short-term separations that don’t cause stronger emotions for either the child or the parents. Such separations are inevitable and even necessary for a healthy child’s development. At other times, separations become longer due to business trips, summers spent with grandparents, or parents working abroad. The worst scenario is when both parents leave a dependent child to live an “independent” life, under the care of a neighbour or grandparent, without an emotional connection between them.

The child-parent bond

Infants are born helpless so the care and concern of adults is a vital condition for their survival. From the moment of birth, the child starts to learn to familiarise themselves with the new and unknown world. By responding to the needs of the baby, providing them with tenderness, attention, and love, the mother creates a special bond, an environment filled with security and trust. In psychology, such a connection is known as attachment. Through the initial bond with their mother, a child subconsciously feels desired, loved, and safe. That’s a fundamental condition for the development of a fully-fledged human being. Numerous psychological studies suggest that if a baby loses their mother, is abandoned, or neglected for various reasons, their personality development significantly slows down or becomes disrupted. What’s worst of all is that these consequences are felt by adults too: they are much more prone to depression, anxiety disorder, having issues with communication and self-esteem. A connection with the father comes slightly later, followed by the connection with grandparents and relatives, provided that the latter allocate enough time and attention to the child. Only around the age of three does a child begin to understand that the absence of a mother and father nearby doesn’t mean separation, or more precisely, if they can’t see someone, it doesn’t mean they are no longer here for them. 

Child development

In adolescence, the attachment bond transforms as the child matures, but it is precisely from this wellspring that they draw experience, knowledge, and understanding of life. Teenagers begin to “try out” the garment of adulthood and strive to separate themselves from the family and become members of their peer group, but, as it’s usually the case, they’re only successful in doing so when they feel secure within the family. Separation from parents, on the contrary, creates a sense of insecurity because children lose the support and guidance of beloved and trustworthy individuals. They need immediate assistance, which is unavailable to them. 

Meanwhile, a mature bond among close ones often becomes a significant incentive for adults as well, as there are complex situations where the assistance, words, and encouragement of loved ones become invaluable treasures.

Generally speaking, it’s not difficult to intuitively tell the difference between a mature person and a scatterbrain. Psychological maturity is the ability to solve arisen problems, form one’s own values, maintain inner discipline, feel responsibility,  choose friends, make correct decisions, allocate time, or — to put it simply — learn how to survive independently. For a person to become mature, a guiding hand of adults is necessary: in other words, a profound and affectionate connection with one’s parents. As time goes by, grandparents who could step in on busy parents’ behalf during childhood can no longer fulfil this role due to a major age difference and disparities in the pace of life. 

Separation-related stress

When parents leave, their bond is severed, and the child experiences great stress. Long-term separation is perceived by the child as a loss, as they begin feeling lonely, abandoned, betrayed by the most beloved people in the world. Fear and doubt plague them as to how they will manage to survive on their own. Children’s reactions to such separation from parents may vary, but two responses — depressive and aggressive — are the most common.

In the first case of response, the child becomes withdrawn, distancing themselves from friends, and starts to have less self-confidence because they feel inferior and unwanted. By interpreting the situation in their own way, they feel guilty and believe that if they were better, their parents would have loved them and not abandoned them. All that has previously interested them or made them happy seemingly loses its purpose.

Children who react aggressively to their parents’ absence also experience tremendous pain, which is mixed with anger and resentment towards their surroundings. Left alone, these adolescents feel like “outsiders” within their peer group, and, as we all know, that’s a tough position to find oneself in. Often, in such cases, they try to turn their sense of helplessness into an advantage and try to appear stronger by smoking, drinking alcohol, or skipping classes. In the hearts of these teenagers, the pain of separation from their parents and the feeling of betrayal often manifest in destructive behaviour when interacting with others.

In conclusion, it must be recognised that unduly early and overly frequent parental separation often results in painful experiences that can permanently distort relationships, not only with close family members but also throughout one’s life.