Criticism. So that the word would heal...

Criticism (French: critique, Old Greek: κριτική) is what we call an evaluation based on certain criteria with the intent of verifying content. However, regardless of this neutral definition, it’s always associated with tension, unpleasant feelings, bitterness, pique and animosity… Let’s try placing praise, compliments, good words and expressed dissatisfaction, criticism and indignation of the previous month alone on an imaginary balance scale. I think we will easily realise, which side prevails. So, there’s a lot of it in our lives.

Criticism is one of the harshest forms of mutual communication. Oftentimes it wounds the dignity of the person nearby, undermines their self-worth and sows grievance. In turn, the criticised who wants to defend one’s dignity responds by doing the same and is very often outraged not by the subject of dispute, behaviour or objective circumstances, but by the personal qualities of their interlocutor. This results in an under-construction bridge leading to an open long-term conflict because no participant in the conversation is talking about the matter, but rather seeks to ‘win’ the battle of harsh words.

Main motives for criticism

Some people can be characterised by their need to criticise somebody for the sake of criticising. Usually, such people are insecure, unhappy, raised in a negative environment and with the help of criticism are trying to protect themselves from the bad opinions of others.

Criticism where one seeks to settle scores is widely common. Usually, managers who do not feel competent enough are prone to criticising professionals to protect themselves from criticism coming from the latter.

Others are certain of their rightness and get personally offended when someone’s opinion differs and are quick to criticise. They also like to mock and caricature, calling this genuine humour.

In a nutshell, criticism is a tricky phenomenon in communication even though at its core criticism should be about trying to better the situation, result or behaviour at hand through the use of verbal means.

Successful and unsuccessful criticism

The goal of positive criticism is a common positive result, it’s meant to draw attention to mistakes or undesirable behaviour. For this to happen it’s crucial not to make communication blunders and learn how to express criticism.

The most common mistake is fatalism when we, for example, say: “You ruined, wrecked everything…”, “You had to do it like so…” Such words induce the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, anger, resulting in the desire to resist and defend rather than to correct the situation.

Secondly — lecturing and sermonising, like: “I warned you and you didn’t get it, did you?”, “Don’t do anything at all without consulting me first!”

Thirdly — extreme emotions. Criticism that is presented in raised and aggressive tone doesn’t reach the addressee as these expressed words are perceived as an attack or an attempt to humiliate.

Fourthly — negative commentary. It is best to avoid such phrases like “You always…”, “You never…”, “God, it’s taking you so long…”, etc. By doing so, one labels the individual as a loser and they’re only left with ‘living up’ to this title in the future.

All in all, ignorant criticism ruins relationships, doesn’t yield any benefits and undermines the atmosphere. Meanwhile, positive criticism should indicate faults, express doubts and observations while at the same time showing trust in one’s interlocutor’s ability to prevent this from happening again.

Before saying harsh words it’s worthwhile to evaluate the progress, accomplishments and efforts of another person. If you are unable to find anything positive, at least express your concern. Then the one who is criticised shall feel that he is criticised not for the sake of it but because of a goal or goodwill. Talking should only be reserved for a specific case, action or result, not for the individual as a whole. The tone of speech and chosen words are also very important. Epithets like a fool, slacker, sloven or similar are best to be avoided. Chosen timing and place are also crucial. As a rule of thumb, only four eyes may witness criticism as public criticism only adds fuel to the fire…

Criticism also exists in the family. By not appreciating the poor behaviour of our children, we will raise them to be full-fledged responsible people. Criticism in communication among adults encourages change as improvement is impossible without it. In a family, we are responsible for one another and want all the best for each other.

In work relationships, criticising is worth it only when we are responsible for common work results. However, even in such situations, it’s important to evaluate whether it will be beneficial or damaging. Sometimes what happens is that the efforts and personal qualities of an employee do not match the work requirements so it’s wiser to reorganise labour instead.

Reaction to criticism

Words are not the same in their impact. When used at the right time, they allow us to fix flaws and look at the problem outside the box, see it in a different light. If you are being criticised, it’s important to self-evaluate the magnitude of your ‘misdemeanour’. If you’re thinking that the word was said for a good reason don’t deny or dodge it. There’s more honour in the recognition of one’s mistakes, absent-mindedness, forgetfulness or ignorance. Such a stance in both personal and work relationships instils respect, shows competence and spiritual strength.

That said, negative criticism by which one seeks to belittle a person, throw them out of balance, hurt their dignity or self-confidence also exists. If so, it’s important to protect one’s dignity and not give in to negative emotions. Allow the critic to express himself and don't engage in disputes. Such a stance typically cools criticism down. Do not identify yourself with the said words, understand that you simply became a ‘catcher’ of somebody’s bad mood or character. The better people are at understanding one another, the easier they endure the tensions in interpersonal relationships that arise from criticism.

When is criticism unnecessary?

Anyone who is intending to express criticism should answer this question for themselves. If you are tired, ill-humoured or very angry, it is best to postpone it for tomorrow… Maybe then you will feel that you shouldn’t say anything to this person? Maybe the former situation is insignificant whereas plausible conflict will only bring negative emotions and disappointment.

In most cases, criticism becomes inefficient precisely because of negative emotions. Think carefully whether it’s worth it when the person perceived as deserving of criticism experiences difficult times, is ill or is unable to maintain a stable emotional balance.

So… good criticism is our source of improvement in many areas as long as we know how to skillfully use it and wisely apply it… Let’s try using it to heal ourselves and others nearby…