Weird Articles

Three Big Nates

April 2, 2024

I recently got the request for more weird articles from a reader, so I thought I'd oblige with a topic I'm interested in. First I need to recommend my The Line Between Review and the short film it covers, because I think that if you want insight into something outside of the theater community that's worth checking out, it's that. But if you want more, I think it's time I tell you about a topic I'm passionate about: Big Nate.

Big Nate is media franchise centered around three works: a comic strip, a book series, and a television series. The story of all three centers around the life of a sixth-grader named Nate Wright. I began my journey into this franchise in the Fifth Grade, but I've also kept up with the comic ever since. Old habits die hard.

The Comic Strip

Our story begins with the comic strip. For those of you unaware, comic strips are (usually) four-panel comics that traditionally appear in newspapers, at a rate of one per day. Traditionally, the "daily strips", i.e. the strips released during Weekdays and Saturdays, were in black and white and were limited to the four-panel format, but on Sundays came larger, full- or half-page Sunday Strips. The daily strips are occasionally one-off gags, but traditionally a week will have an ongoing story that begins on Monday and ends on Saturday, though occasionally it even continues onward into the next week. Also, Sunday strips don't generally connect to the ongoing stories of daily strips, because some newspapers only carry the Sunday strips and some newspapers only carry the daily strips.

Thus, when you're telling a story in the funny pages, you are offered three formats to do so. If the story is short and sweet, an artist can try telling it in a single four-panel strip. Generally the format of a strip like this is a set-up for the story in the first panel, a development in the second panel, a twist in the third panel, and a punchline in the fourth and final panel. Sometimes a fourth panel will include a stinger, where one character will deliver the punchline and a second character will add a stinger, or a second joke or reaction to enhance the punchline.

If the story is a self-contained story that nonetheless requires a lot of development, you can use a Sunday strip, wherein the conflict and humor of the story is developed throughout the strip until a punchline near the end. The Sunday strip format is less restrictive, and can accommodate various panel sizes within its format limitations. The top two panels of a Sunday strip are sometimes cut off in some newspapers, so an artist has to make sure that those panels aren't essential to understanding the story. Sometimes they add nonessential set-up, two-panel gag related to the rest of the strip, or, in the case of Big Nate, a large logo for the strip and a drawing by the main character related to the comic's story.

Finally, you can tell a long-running story throughout the daily strips. This is the usual approach for Big Nate, but it's a careful balance. You have to made every strip its own gag, with a pay-off in the fourth panel, and you have to tell an ongoing story with a large pay-off on Saturday, and if you're continuing beyond Saturday you have to tell a good, ongoing story.

A reader of Big Nate will quickly become accustomed to its status quo. Nate Wright is a trouble-making sixth-grader and an aspiring cartoonist. He doesn't get great grades and often lands in detention. He lives with his single father, Martin, and his mature but occasionally petty older sister Ellen. His best friends are the nerdy Francis Pope and the wise-cracking Freddy Ortiz. We meet six of his teachers, most notably the strict and unfair Social Studies teacher Mrs. Godfrey and the supportive but burnt-out art teacher Mr. Rosa. Among his other classmates are his crush Jenny, Jenny's Belarussian boyfriend Artur, and Nate's teacher's pet rival Gina.

Though early on, Big Nate was an immensely entertaining ongoing story, in the past few years, it has grown stagnant. Kim Cressely, once a scary girl with a crush on our protagonist, has more or less settled down in her relationship with Chester, the never-seen school bully. A few years back, Nate finally gave up on his crush on Jenny. Around that time, Teddy broke up with his long-term girlfriend, Paige. And Francis's girlfriend, Sheila, has completely vanished from the strip. This last point presents an interesting dilemma for Lincoln Peirce, the strip's author: he can't use Sheila in a story because most of the modern readership has no memory of her, but he also can't give Francis another romantic plotline because he's still theoretically dating Sheila.

The point is that the comic has started eliminating points of conflict, becoming fairly bland. It serves to highlight the unnatural stasis of an eternal sixth-grader, who has been eleven years old for the past thirty-three years. Gone are the days when a summer-long arc would send Nate off to Chess Camp, or when Nate would have a nearly year-long girlfriend arc. At least, that's what I thought. Because at the end of last year, Nate Wright got his fourth major comic girlfriend.

Nate's trilogy of failed relationships is a well-known element to long-time Big Nate fans. They all follow a similar pattern, in which Nate develops a relationship over the summer, carries on with a love interest until the following spring, and then goes through a break-up. The first of these was Angie, who was introduced in an arc in which Nate finally ended up in Summer School. The second, Kelly, went to a different school. And the third, Trudy, was a seventh-grader he met at the fairgrounds. That last one was in the early 2010s. It's been over a decade since Nate has had a girlfriend, someone new to bounce off of as a source of drama and comedy.

But less than a year ago, Nate met Daphne. Nate met Daphne near the end of the school year, rather than during the summer; largely by accident. Their relationship developed almost randomly; rather than a fateful chance meeting, they were acquaintances who only needed a second look at eachother. This relationship is clearly different from the first three, and if I were a betting man, I'd say that Peirce intends to integrate her into the status quo; only a week ago, he did an arc where they almost broke up but ended stronger than ever, at the exact moment in the year when his previous relationships ended. This is a departure from the strip's past, and will hopefully break up its monotony a little.

If I had to recommend a way to improve the comic, there are a few ways to do it. Firstly, bring back old characters that have faded into the background, like Gordie, Sheila, or even an old girlfriend like Angie. Secondly, the strip used to devote entire arcs to the fictional comic characters Nate draws, like Dr. Cesspool; bringing back more of these would add a much-needed variety to the strip. Finally, fleshing out Artur by letting him lose once and a while would be nice. If Peirce really wanted to rock the boat, he could actually pull the trigger and let Nate and his friends cross over into the seventh grade.

The Graphic Novels

The repetitive nature of the comic strip, and its eternal status quo, is not a part of the Graphic Novel series, which takes advantage of its alternate continuity to change the status quo and its characters. The Nate of the book series is more likable than that of the strip, partially because the series is written from his perspective. Big Nate: In a Class By Himself introduces an intriguing but formulaic premise, in which Nate attempts to win a world record throughout a single day. The book's sequels each explore Nate's relationship with a single character, while often incorporating a villain that Nate needs the help of that character to defeat.

Strikes Again explores Nate's relationship with his teacher's pet rival Gina, forcing the pair to work together on both a project on Benjamin Franklin and as part of an intramural fleeceball tournament. In the end, they both have to step outside of their comfort zones and reach a slightly less hostile state of coexistence, defeating school bully Randy's fleeceball team and acing their Ben Franklin project.

On a Roll focuses on Nate's relationship with Artur. Artur is a kind Belarussian boy who is everything Nate isn't. He consistently beats Nate at chess, a game at which he was once a prodigy. He dates Nate's longtime crush, Jenny. He is beloved by all and better at everything Nate is good at. He's that guy. We've all known that guy at some points in our existence, and so On a Roll fulfills a fantasy that could never be achieved in the format of the comic strip's self-defeating status quo: Nate finally beating Arthur at something. In the end, it takes everything Nate has to beat Arthur at a fundraiser for his scouting troop. This is probably the most relatable of the graphic novels, given Arthur's role in it.

Goes for Broke introduces a new character to the mythos, the theater/art kid Dee Dee, whose friendship with Nate is the main focus of this book. Balancing out the new character, the book draws heavy inspiration from the comic strip, its story adapted from an arc in which P.S. 38, Nate's middle school, is closed and the students have to attend the rival Jefferson Middle for a few weeks. The book's villains are thus Jefferson Middle, led by a mean kid from the school named Nolan. In the end, Nate and his friends win a snow-sculpting competition with Jefferson, and Dee Dee and Nate receive a prize for a joint art project. The popularity of Dee Dee as a character led to her (rather unceremonious) addition to the comic strip, where she remains a strong presence.

Of course, while Strikes Again improved Nate and Gina's relationship, it didn't take away their rivalry. In Flips Out, Nate must work with Francis to defeat Gina's team in a trivia competition. This is an exploration of Nate and Francis's friendship that goes deeper than any comic story ever has, and in the end their friendship is tested like it never has before. It also includes a wacky but fun hypnotism plot, and includes Dee Dee in a prominent supporting role.

In the Zone is probably my favourite of the series for its wish-fulfillment value. In line with the film adaptation of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, the story opens with a string of bad luck from Nate, until his friend Chad gives him a lucky charm that changes his life, bestowing him with good luck. Nate enjoys his new-found luck for a while, until his charm is confiscated. Chad, meanwhile, has a romantic subplot with a new character and the main villain is the Seventh Grade, led by Marcus. The story gives Nate some sorely-needed wins, and it's fun to see him enjoy his good luck for a while.

Book Seven, Lives it Up, is probably the weakest of the series. Focusing on a centennial scavenger hunt, the key relationship of the book is between Nate and a new character named Breckenridge, an outsider who tries to befriend Nate. I never quite got this book and what it was going for, and the plot itself is somewhat lackluster. It's not bad, it just doesn't really feel as special as the others.

The final book, though, Blasts Off, raises the stakes considerably. The villain is again Jefferson High School, with the final set piece being a game of ultimate frisbee in the mud against the rival institution. Meanwhile, things are changing more radically than ever in Nate's world. Marty is fired and the threat of Nate having to move away is introduced, which is reminiscent of an old arc from the comics in which Jenny moved away for a couple of years. But the focus of the book is Nate's relationship with school bully Randy, and a romantic plotline that ends with him dating a new character, Ruby. This more or less happy ending is in contrast to the somewhat cynical eternity of the comic strip.

The Big Nate graphic novels are probably my favorite part of the franchise, and I kind of miss them. But now, onto the worst part: the series.

The Television Series

The Big Nate series isn't very good. The best episodes of it, like "CATastrophe", are the ones that take the most inspiration from the source material, but ultimately the show struggles to achieve what the strip and graphic novels did. The show strips away the authenticity of its strip in favor of childish shenanigans. Don't get me wrong, the strip and novels aren't always realistic — including a hypnosis plot and Nate's supernatural locker — but the fantastical elements are confined to limited corners of the Big Nate world. The only place this really works is in "Time Disruptors", one of the better episodes in the show, wherein Jefferson Middle is portrayed as a ridiculously lavish charter school that dwarfs P.S. 38 by comparison.

The series didn't introduce Artur right away, which made me think they might actually wait to introduce him, adapting one of the comic's most pivotal moments when he moves to town and disrupt's Nates social standing. But no, he's there from the third episode, coming from a fictional Eastern European nation rather than the very real Belarus.

That's not the way to do a Big Nate series. First, get a less annoying voice actor. But aside from that, I think it would have been better to start with a less-developed status quo, before Artur or Dee Dee became main parts of the cast; maybe even before Teddy. That way, the show could Introduce these characteres right. Important arcs from the comics, as well as plots from the graphic novels, could be adapted into multi-episode arcs, with whole seasons focused on Nate's relationships.

But in the end, the show instead integrated boring, generic sitcom plots that are usually devoid of comic inspiration — and it shows. In the graphic novel series, new elements were combined with familiar comic elements and stories; some of the highlights of the novels come from retellings of the best comic storylines, like the arc where the P.S. 38 students have to attend Jefferson. But the show instead invests in zany plots that would never be seen in the comics. Highlighting this, every episode ends in a comic by Peirce that adapts a plot beat from the show. Standing in stark contrast to the tomfoolery of the series, these comics are quite good — but often, especially in "Valentine's Day Horror", can't even touch the impossibly weird content of the episode, knowing that some of these plots would never even be attempted by the strip.

Ultimately, Big Nate is an ongoing story that is near and dear to my heart, an enduringly familiar element that has remained a relative constant for the past eight years of my life. Its status quo, though, does need to be shaken up to survive, suffering from a similar problem to the one I highlighted in my Percy Jackson article. Hopefully there is more to come outside of the comics, even with the graphic novel series concluded and the show seemingly cancelled. And maybe the introduction of Daphne will mean something.

Maybe nobody will want to read this, but I do hope you enjoy.

We Need a New Word for Romantic Attraction

November 3, 2023

If you have ever uttered or heard some variation of, "but do you like like her" or "I like him, but I don't like like him", you may be aware that Americans are very bad about describing romantic attraction. We have to play around with words to describe a common phenomenon, and I've had enough. We need a single word that can cleanly describe romantic attraction, without strong unwanted implications. While I'm not sure I've come up with one, I think the one I'll pitch to you at the end of this article is far better than any other word for romantic attraction typically used in the linguistics of the American teenager. And then you'll know how to describe your view of the person you—

Like: The Inexplicably Reigning Champion

We need to retire 'like' as a word for romantic attraction. It's used almost exclusively in juvenile contexts, and also invariably creates confusion as to the true meaning of the person's statement. You like that girl you have a crush on, but you also like most of your friends, several of your teachers, and also your favorite food. Are we starting to see the problem? It's unspecific, and that ambiguity is oftentimes confusing. You have to specify whether you like someone or if you like like someone, the very distinction the term is based on. Clearly we need a new term for romantic attraction. Hey, we just used one, why not—

Attraction: Clinical and Emotionless

If you are attracted to someone, that's a little more specific. It could still be used in a platonic context, but generally this term works. Still, something about the word attraction doesn't work for me in a casual concept. First of all, there's the fact that attraction indicates a little bit too little; attraction indicates an instant physical reaction, removing any emotional element. You can be attracted to an actor, or a movie character, or an animated villain from the first season of Tangled: The Series... Okay, I think I've said too much. Second, the term is clinical, scientific, and emotionless. Look, if a term feels clinical and pretentious when I talk, me who sounds like a novel when I speak, then what hope does the layman have? This term feels out of place in a conversation between people, and also removes any strong emotion behind the term. Attraction is too little, so maybe we should say that people have a—

Crush: Too Much, Too Childish

Middle schoolers have crushes. Adults and teenagers might have celebrity crushes, but having a crush creates a certain image, that of a nervous preteen starring longingly at another individual, with no guts to actually act on their feelings. It's too much, and besides, it's wordy. Having a crush on is four syllables, and crushing on is applicable in fewer situations and is still three syllables. It doesn't roll off the tongue like like, perhaps providing evidence as to why like is so popular. Can't there be a word we can all just get behind and—

Love: Way Too Much

If crush can be a little too much, love is a pretty big emotion to perscribe to a romantic attraction, especially if it's one-sided. Oftentimes classic stories will try to give their attractions legitimacy by using love, but I'm sorry, it doesn't work. Same with in love, sorry. Romantic love only comes from a mutual relationship. But if we're not talking about love, are we talking about—

Lust: No. Just No.

No. No. No. I will never, ever say that I am lusting after someone. Gross. Never will this word earn my—

Affection: Same Problem as Like

Same problem as like. It doesn't really hit the nail on the head, either. What about—?

Admire: Not Specific Enough

Admire could be a term for this, but it's more of a sign of respect than attraction, which can go hand in hand, but that doesn't mean one means another. Okay, we need a word that's proper enough to use in formal circumstances but not so clinical as to be excluded in informal contexts. It needs a sense of feeling, an impish sense of childhood and yet a mature quality mixed together. It needs to be clear in its meaning, and it needs to roll off the tongue with just one or two syllables. We need—

Fancy: The Horse to Back

This is a word that's common in the United Kingdom but is sadly infrequently used in America, at least in its verb form. If you fancy someone, that means something. That means you have a romantic attraction to that person, no more, no less. It clearly communicates meaning and fits all of our criteria. The only alternate meaning is would like, as in, "I fancy some fish and chips". But if you're talking about a person, the definition is clear. Speaking of fish and chips, while this word's verb form is British in origin and seldom used in the U.S., it is familiar enough to the American listener so that the meaning will not be lost.

Go forth, and spread the word. Literally. Like is out, fancy is in. Come on, America, go forth and start describing romantic attraction as specifically and smoothly as our British brethren. Tell your friends, your neighbors, your family members. But most of all, tell the person you fancy. I've given you the word. Now it's time to use it.

The Percy Jackson Franchise: Welcome to Hell

September 5, 2023

The Percy Jackson franchise is undoubtably somewhere in the top 10 recent young adult book series. You probably read a few of the books, years ago. Some might even have a better idea of the series' grand scope. As a completionist who somewhat enjoyed the books, I have read every novel installment in the franchise and several of the supplementary works.

The franchise is centered around three series that follow the events of the children of the modern-day Greek Gods, who are real and based in New York. Each of the major series is five books long. Percy Jackson and the Olympians tells the story of a young son of Poseidon, Percy Jackson, in his quest to become Aquaman stop the evil Titan Chronos from returning to power.

The second series introduces the Roman version of the pantheon and follows a team of seven demigods who must save the world from the ancient Earth goddess Gaea and her giant spawn. This new team includes Percy; his cousin once removed/girlfriend Annabeth, a daughter of Athena; Jason Grace, a son of Jupiter from the Roman side who had his own Y.A. series that happened offscreen; Jason's cousin once removed/girlfriend Kilgrave Piper, a daughter of Aphrodite who uses her powers of manipulation and mind control for good and also getting whatever she wants from the people around her; Hazel Lavesque, a daughter of Pluto from the Roman side with a bank account you wouldn't believe; Hazel's cousin once removed/boyfriend, Frank Zhang, a son of Mars from the Roman side and descendent of Poseidon with shapeshifting powers for reasons I don't fully understand; and Leo Valdez, a son of Hephaestus with fire powers. He doesn't get a cousin/girlfriend until the fourth book.

The third series follows the god Apollo, who, after breaking some rules during the last series, is reduced to a mortal form and must stop an ancient conspiracy of immortal Roman emperors.

Anyway, now there's a spin-off book called The Sun and the Star about a fan-favorite edgelord and an optimistic night light as they go down into the world's deepest basement. The book is... hard to get into; must of the early chapters are flashbacks to fill in gaps in the increasingly unwieldy universe Riordan has created. But what really stung me was a flashback that mentions that the Battle of Manhattan as having happened two years prior. Excuse me, but the Battle of Manhattan was the climax of the final book in the original Percy Jackson series, which came out in 2009, the year your self-purported demographic was born, Mr. Riordan, and you expect your readers to a) have read that b) remember that and c) believe that that was only two years ago?

And then, I realized something else. The fan-favorite edgelord who serves as The Sun and the Star's protagonist was introduced in 2007 as an 11-year-old, and yet he is now 15 in 2023, an age he could be if he were born in 2007. Time does not move forward! This may not seem like a big deal, but it gives every new installment a strange nostalgia to it. These are stories intricately tied to the past, referencing elements of many readers' childhoods as if they happened only a few years or even months ago. In the world of Percy Jackson, if the first book took place in 2005, when it came out, it's currently 2011, maybe 2012. Will Obama win re-election? Will gay marriage ever be legalized nationwide? These are the questions that were still unanswered in that year, questions that seem so far removed and ancient these days.

That is far from my only annoyance with the series. Rick Riordan's formula is to promise us an impossible situation, in which everything has to go exactly right and even then the mission is probably hopeless, and then everything falls apart. But at the last minute, something happens to allow the characters to win with minimal casualties. Over and over these characters survive suicide missions, with few repercussions. At most, a god will vow revenge that will come indirectly through a proxy and unsuccessfully, making it slightly more difficult when, a few books later, the offending hero's ally needs the god's help.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the romance. There is an unspoken rule amongst the demigod characters in these books: if you haven't found your soulmate by the time you turn eighteen, you have to die or join a celibacy cult, in which you will also likely die. One thing that particularly annoys me is the character of Reyna, a character who (spoilers), after a few failures at finding a boyfriend after social pressure to do so, decides to (checks notes) join the celibacy cult at the age of 16, making a lifelong commitment never to love again on a whim. What's the message here? After you get rejected a few times, give up on love forever at the age of sixteen.

Alright, let's talk about the archery nuns. Seriously, why does nobody have a problem with them? They indoctrinate girls into the cult of a nature goddess, attempting to get them to swear off romantic love forever before they properly develop the capacity to experience those feelings, all while putting them into dangerous situations. And in case you're wondering, the Hunters of Artemis have a much higher death toll than even the average demigod in the franchise; in the first book we meet them (spoilers), the two most significant of their ranks kick the bucket.

I think that the biggest flaw in the Percy Jackson franchise it a combination of a refusal to end and a refusal to move forward in time. Take the short story "Nachos After the War", in which all seven of the major demigods get together and have nachos in peace. It's a beautiful epilogue to the Heroes of Olympus series, the height of this franchise. Except that, by the infinite grind of more books, the epilogue is not only non-canonical, it's impossible: (spoilers) one of the seven dies in Trials of Apollo before the group can reunite. There is no end, only the continue re-opening of a wound that was first cut in 2005. At least in movies they have to let the characters age in their infinite franchises. But Riordan can't even seem to do that. The story has no ending, and the characters are stuck as teenagers for decades. Sure, the books are good, but they're starting to grate on me because of these qualities. At this point, only their mild entertainment value and the sunk cost fallacy is keeping me reading.

The world of Percy Jackson is Neverland, and you are the Darlings who keep returning to a childhood that is gone, except in a fantasy realm past its prime.

Every MCU Love Interest Ranked

August 16, 2023

Ah yes, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Everybody's favorite cinematic universe. So many people have ranked their movies, their characters, their post-credits scenes, even their scores — but what about the love interests? In this article, I will rank every MCU love interest — sort of. First, let's talk about the requirements to qualify for this list. To qualify, a character must meet the following criteria:

1. The character must be the primary love interest of an MCU protagonist during a film, special presentation, or live-action television show produced by Marvel Studios that is set in the MCU.

2. An MCU protagonist is defined as the protagonist of any film, special presentation, or live-action television show produced by Marvel Studios that is set in the MCU.

3. An MCU protagonist may have multiple love interests, but may only have one love interest per film, special presentation, or season of television. An MCU protagonist's love interest needn't appear in media in which they are the protagonist.

So no Marvel Television love interests, with full apologies to Rosalind Price, Steve Rogers/Captain America, Medusa, Claire Temple, Karen Paige, Elektra Natchios, Luke Cage, Kilgrave (if he'd even qualify), Jessica Jones, Colleen Wing, Livvie, Tandy Bowen/Dagger, and Tyrone Johnson/Cloak. Man, Marvel Television is a weird world. Anyway, onto the ranking.

21. Sharon Carter/Power Broker

Love Interest Of: Stever Rogers/Captain America

Love Interest In: Captain America: Civil War

Why did this have to happen? The Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers kiss was utterly pointless. Nobody likes you, Sharon. Why establish that Steve could have a life in the 21st century when his ultimate ending was to go back to the 20th? Bad love interest.

20. Dane Whitman/Black Knight

Love Interest of: Sersi

Love Interest In: Eternals

Superhero responsibilities interfering with relationship? Check. Attractive actor? Check. Spin-off set-up? Check. Alright, love interest taken care of. No need for additional character development. Yeah, this guy is just kind of there.

19. Elizabeth "Liz" Allan

Love Interest of: Peter Parker/Spider-Man

Love Interest In: Spider-Man: Homecoming

On the one hand, Liz satisfies a personal connection to the villain and coming of age rom-com character archetype for Peter. On the other hand, Allan could do with some basic motivation. Also, Peter, at my high school, we have an expression: if the grades don't touch, neither should you. And Peter's a sophomore in this movie while Liz is a senior. So that's weird. Still, it's nice to see another Spider-Man love interest in the movies besides MJ and Gwen, and Homecoming is still one of the best MCU films.

18. Kamran

Love Interest of: Kamala Khan/Ms. Marvel

Love Interest In: Ms. Marvel

Okay, Ms. Marvel is a really good show, but Kamran is not the stand-out. Kamala's infatuation with Kamran fits with the coming-of-age nature of the show, but ultimately his connection to Kamala is hard to connect with and of the three potential love interests in the show, he's probably the weakest, making it unfortunate that he receives so much focus.

17. Jane Foster/Mighty Thor

Love Interest of: Thor Odinson

Love Interest in: Thor, Thor: The Dark World, Thor: Love and Thunder

Jane Foster is kind of boring, like the movies she's in. Overshadowed by her own intern, Jane is a scientist. I think some sort of space scientist? Honestly, while I like the human supporting cast of the early Thor movies, Jane never felt like a particularly compelling match for the God of Thunder. But hey, Natalie Portman is doing her best, so she beats out the previous few.

16. Christine Palmer

Love Interest of: Doctor Stephen Strange

Love Interest In: Doctor Strange, Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness

I have a problem with modern Marvel movies that I feel is best expressed by Christine Palmer. In the original Doctor Strange, Christine was an essential part of the story, a check on Stephen and ultimately, part of a life he rejects because he lost his hands. Doctor Strange as a movie is a lot like Batman Begins in my view; other than a few passing references, it could be a solo movie. And yet, Multiverse of Magic cares more about continuing the MCU than the Doctor Strange franchise. Thus, the sequel urinates all over the goodwill I had for Christine an ultimately falls apart. Now, the story is about the new hero, America Chavez, and the Scarlet Witch, and all of that, and Christine Palmer is a forgettable afterthought who just rehashes the first film.

15. Hope Van Dyne/The Wasp

Love Interest of: Scott Lang/Ant-Man

Love Interest In: Ant-Man, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Avengers: Endgame, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantamania

Hope Van Dyne was a solid character in the original Ant-Man film, which is one of my favorite films in the MCU. Since then, however, she's kind of fallen off. Ant-Man and the Wasp feels too much like a time jump from the prior films, and in Quantamania she's just kind of there. The problem with the Ant-Man films is that they rarely feel like continuations of each other, and ironically Hope becoming the Wasp drained her of any interesting characterization.

14. Laura Barton/Agent 19

Love Interest of: Hawkeye

Love Interest In: Avengers: Age of Ultron, Avengers: Endgame, Hawkeye

I really like Hawkeye having a family in these movies. He's the stable Avenger, and his wife Laura is a huge part of that. Yeah, she might have less than fifteen minutes of screen time across two movies and a television show, but she's a solid, wholesome grounding point for an underrated Avenger.

13. Betty Ross

Love Interest of: Bruce Banner/Hulk

Love Interest In: The Incredible Hulk

Ah yes, a character lost to the archives of forgotten MCU films. I've always had a soft spot for The Incredible Hulk. It's a deeply personal story with an interesting protagonist and characters. Betty Ross is interesting, falling between her father and the monster she loves and he's trying to kill. She's not the greatest MCU love interest, but she works better than a lot of her competitors, even though she's only been in one film.

12. Layla El-Faouly/Scarlet Scarab

Love Interest of: Mark Specter/Moon Knight

Love Interest In: Moon Knight

Okay, there's an argument to be made that Layla El-Faouly does not meet the criteria for this list. She is, after all, a love interest of Mark Specter, and Mark's alter Steven Grant is technically the protagonist of Moon Knight. But it's called Moon Knight, not Mister Knight, and Mark and Steven inhabit the same body. Anyway, Layla was a fun part of the supporting cast of a really interesting show, and her superhero persona was unobtrusive and kind of fun.

11. Varra/Priscilla Davis

Love Interest of: Nicholas Fury

Love Interest In: Secret Invasion

Okay, so Secret Invasion wasn't great. But it had some interesting ideas. Among this was Nick Fury's Skrull wife, Varra. Her character gives us a window into Nick Fury, a character we know very little of, and there are some interesting things they did with her in that show, even if the end product wasn't perfect. Also we got Samuel L. Jackson making out with a green alien, so that's something.

10. Sylvie Laufeydottir

Love Interest of: Loki Laufeyson

Love Interest In: Loki

Okay, people say that the MCU Disney+ shows are bad, but most of them are at least pretty good. Some of them butchered the endings a bit, but Secret Invasion is the only one that hasn't been particularly good. (And yes, I liked She-Hulk, fight me.) The crowning jewel of these, of course, is Loki. (And also Moon Knight and Ms. Marvel, but we'll ignore that). Sylvie Laufeydottir is a fascinating character to pair with Loki for this show; she is, fundamentally, Loki, but just off enough. Also the selfcest is weird, but I don't particularly care. Plus she killed Jonathan Majors, which is obviously a plus.

9. Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow

Love Interest of: Bruce Banner/Hulk

Love Interest In: Avengers: Age of Ultron

Okay, so Black Widow is a decent MCU character. She's never been one I particularly connected with, but she's got an effective character arc and a solid performance. I've never been a fan of nonlinear storytelling, so the fact that her backstory is never really spelled out chronologically is somewhat irritating. Still, Black Widow is a character who matters in this universe, and that's worth something. I think her dynamic with Banner is interesting; both have been made to do bad things outside of their control; Banner by the Hulk, her by her training, but both are learning to forgive and redeem themselves and use the weapons they hurt people with to help people.

8. Matt Murdock/Daredevil

Love Interest of: Jennifer Walters/She-Hulk

Love Interest In: She-Hulk: Attorney at Law

As I said, I like She-Hulk. I've always loved sitcoms, and I feel like She-Hulk is totally unique in the landscape of the MCU. While this show gives Jen a lot of potential love interests, the last and most significant one is probably Daredevil. I found his episode in the show to be a delightful way to pay homage to some Silver Age Daredevil stories without diluting the tone of one of his shows, even if he's not the best match for Jen. All in all, this is the lowest I could stand to rank him.

7. Bruce Banner/Hulk

Love Interest of: Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow

Love Interest In: Avengers: Age of Ultron

Fair's fair, and Bruce Banner ends up on this list along with both of his love interests. Many are unsatisfied by Mark Ruffalo's Hulk; they find that his character arc is weid and generally have complaints about him. However, his story is a great tale of anger management. He starts ashamed of his anger, but in The Incredible Hulk he learns to direct it properly, even if he can't control it and doesn't like it. In The Avengers, he starts the necessity of his anger; in Age of Ultron, he learns how to keep it under control and move past the shame of it. In Thor: Ragnarok, his lesson is one of truly accepting the anger as a part of himself, while in Infinity War he must learn to work around fear. Finally, Endgame sees him truly integrate his anger as a part of himself: as Professor Hulk, he's more confident and more sure of himself than as Banner while retaining his intellect and reason. I think the Hulk is one of the most effective MCU character arcs, and I think his movie is underrated.

6. Michelle "MJ" Jones-Watson

Love Interest of: Peter Parker/Spider-Man

Love Interest In: Spider-Man: Far From Home, Spider-Man No Way Home

The Spider-Man mythology is, to say the least, weird. In the original comics, Peter was in high school relatively briefly; during this time, his main love interests were Liz Allen and Betty Brant, with Flash Thompson as a secondary character bully. It wasn't until he graduated high school that he met Harry Osborn, Mary Jane, and his primary love interest — Gwen Stacy. Until she went snap, when MJ became the primary love interest for Peter.

Anyway, the MCU has been steadily moving away from its unique take on Spider-Man that incorporates a lot of elements from the original comics not usually present in adaptations — Liz Allen as a love interest, Ned Leeds as a major character, villains who haven't yet appeared in live action etc. Slowly  they've been pushing closer to the "classic" movie Spider-Man, a hodge-podge of the original comics, the Animated Series, the Ultimate Spider-Man comics line, and to some extent The Spectacular Spider-Man codified in the original Raime movies. MJ is the main love interest; Spider-Man's arch-nemesis is the Green Goblin. Spider-Man dawns his classic suit n No Way Home. He's given an origin story, just late in the game. Overall, MJ is a part of that. Still, she's a huge improvement over the MJ of the Raimi trilogy. She's played well and is a great part of this Peter's supporting cast.

5. Nakia

Love Interest of: T'Challa/Black Panther

Love Interest In: Black Panther

Hot take: Killmonger was wrong, and the movie knows it. Okay, so the central ideological question behind the 2018 film Black Panther is Wakanda's role on the international stage. T'Challa is the ideological battleground for this debate, and his choices are conquest, isolation, or diplomacy. T'Challa starts the film favoring isolation; the character who favors this ideology is T'Chaka, T'Challa's father. T'Challa ends the film favoring diplomacy, opening Wakanda up to foreign trade and aid, an ideology argued for and represented by Nakia. Conquest in the film is represented by Killmonger, of course, but Killmonger isn't a major character during the first half of the film. Instead, the ideology of conquest is represented by W'Kabi, a warrior from the border tribe. Early in the movie, T'Challa mentions Nakia's proposition that Wakanda offer foreign aid to victims of human trafficking, and W'Kabi dismisses the idea, instead proposing that T'Challa send his warriors to conquer and stop the trafficking violently. This scene draws a clear line between W'Kabi's (and later Killmonger's) ideology and Nakia's, the one T'Challa ultimately endorses. The movie fundamentally disagrees with Killmonger's ideology, not just his methods. That's why villains like the Flag Smashers fail; their ideology is ultimately endorsed by the work, and so to keep them villains, they have to be violent about it. Killmonger, though, was always about violence — that was the point. Killmonger and Nakia's ideologies are each a response to T'Chaka's isolationism, but they are fundamentally different. Nakia does something few love interests can: she represents a central philosophical argument in the film.

4. Virginia "Pepper" Potts

Love Interest of: Tony Stark/Iron Man

Love Interest In: Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Avengers: Infinity War, Avengers: Endgame

Okay, maybe this is a little high for Pepper, but Pepper has always been essential to the character of Tony Stark in a way few love interests on this list are, and she has a meaningful impact on Tony in actually good movies. From her very first appearance when she "takes out the trash", we get to see the business-oriented yet still emotional character she is.

3. Gamora

Love Interest of: Peter Quill/Star Lord

Love Interest In: Guardians of the Galaxy, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Avengers: Infinity War

I'll do you one better: Why is Gamora? Anyway, yeah, the Guardians movies have always been among the best in the MCU, and Gamora is a part of that; she's the daughter of Thanos and a perfect adaptation of the living weapon. Plus her relationship with her sister is a really important one. Too bad she had to die. Oh well, I still ship Peter and Nebula, but there wasn't enough of that in Vol. 3 to make the list.

2. Vision

Love Interest of: Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch

Love Interest In: Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Infinity War, Wandavision

It's Paul Bettany, man. But seriously, the best MCU love interests either stand as interesting characters as their own right or have an essential influence on the hero's character arc. Fortunately, Vision does both. It's unfortunate that their relationship gets so little screen time prior to Vision's death, but Wandavision still explores this deeply.

1. Peggy Carter

Love Interest of: Steve Rogers/Captain America

Love Interest In: Captain America: The First Avenger, Avengers: Endgame

Who else could this go to? We started on a Carter, we're ending on a Carter. From the moment we see her, we believe that not only does Peggy belong in the military, but she would like Steve, even before his transformation; after all, she's surrounded by tough men all day, so of course she'd go for the kind one. She's a driving factor in Steve's story all the way through, even getting her own spin-off. It's utterly heartbreaking to see her losing her memory in The Winter Soldier, and to be honest, she's just an excellent match for Steve who adds thematic weight to his story while also being an effective character in her own right, criteria I think only our top 3 really meet.

Why David Mazouz is the Best Live-Action Batman

July 1, 2023

Everybody has their favorite Live-Action Batman. People who like Silver Age camp prefer Adam West. Fans of gothic media and Tim Burton will likely be fans of Michael Keaton. Those who prefer a bombastic but emotional Bruce with some campy spectacle turn to Val Kilmer. The Nolan fanboys who consider themselves enjoyers of high cinema (but still enjoy a good action scene) will pick Christian Bale. People who like dark, gritty stories with flawed heroes might gravitate toward Ben Affleck's performance. And people who like noir detective stories will undoubtedly enjoy Robert Pattinson's portrayal. Maybe Clooney has some fans, too.

But for me, the best live action Batman is the one that never properly dawned the cape and cowl: David Mazouz. The 22-year-old starred in the Fox show Gotham, a prequel series for Batman. Now, this show is bad sometimes. Ra's al Ghul is boring, and some of the story is campy. But what needed to work about the show works, and as a result, the show usually works. Gotham has three protagonists: Jim Gordon, Oswald Cobblepot, and Bruce Wayne. While Jim Gordon's plotline is usually the weakest of the three but still takes up the most screen time, his relationship with Bullock works, and furthermore the Penguin works as a character, and his relationship with the Riddler, when that becomes important, works. That just leaves Bruce, the boy that would become Batman. Today, I want to talk about what makes him the best Batman, in my opinion.

Part 1: The Mask

We first meet Bruce Wayne as a scared boy in an alleyway with parents who die within the first few minutes of the show's opening. Gotham's pilot and first few episodes indicate that Bruce will be a passive observer for most of the show; a scared boy in an alleyway who Gordon comforts. The focus is on Gordon. In subsequent episodes, Gordon makes promises to Bruce that his parents' killers would be caught, even as Bruce starts to see the darker parts of Gotham. Meanwhile, Bruce begins to try to test his willpower, putting his hand over an open flame or trying to hold his breath for extended periods of time. During this first half of Season 1, Bruce meets Selina Kyle for the first time, and they become fast friends. When Copperhead tries to kill Bruce, he and Selina escape into the city, where he meets Ivy Pepper for the first time. And then he has his first kiss with Selina Kyle. A big theme for Bruce in this part of the season is his growing awareness of Gotham's corruption, something he'd been shielded from previously.

We also see him bond with Alfred. In "The Mask", Bruce is having trouble with a bully at school, and so Alfred teaches him how to fight. Near the end of the episode, Alfred drives Bruce over to the bully's house so that Bruce can beat him up. It's a fun moment, one that showcases Alfred's parenting style, but also Bruce's ruthlessness, an attribute that we will see again. And it shows how Alfred sees the world, as a former British agent.

Part 2: The Scarecrow

Having had a taste of the city's corruption in the first half of Season 1, Bruce decides to go deeper. He absolves Gordon of his promise to find the Waynes' killer, deciding to investigate the case himself. He also begins to look into corruption at Wayne Enterprises, learning that they may have been involved with the mob. Here, Bruce learns to do good with his position as a Wayne, and he develops his detective skills. He must, however, confront one of Alfred's old coworkers when he steals Bruce's files, proving that Bruce is getting close to an answer. As he learns more about the company's corruption, an ally arrives to inform him of his father's role in fighting the corruption: Lucius Fox, one of this show's best and most underutilized characters. And thus, during the season finale, when all of Gotham goes mad, Bruce finally uncovers one of his father's secrets: a secret passageway in Wayne Manor, leading to a cave.

On the bonding with Alfred side of things, the episode "The Scarecrow" gives us a good look at their relationship. Bruce and his parents had an annual hiking trip that Bruce now intends to take alone, but he finds himself unprepared for the dangers. It is only when he and Alfred hike together that things go well. Bruce finally regards Alfred as a father, and them watching the sunrise is one of the sweetest moments in Gotham.

Part 3: The Son of Gotham

Near the start of Season 2, Bruce has a falling out with Alfred in an attempt to go deeper into his father's secrets. What brings them back together is their care for each other: When Jerome Valeska (this show's first Joker) kidnaps and torments the two of them, the pair help each other stay alive. Of course, the whole thing was a ploy by Theo Galavan to kill Valeska and make himself Gotham's hero. Galavan is a good reflection of Bruce throughout this half season. Both would fill the void of Gotham's hero, though Galavan intends to in self interest. Galavan then manipulates Bruce, sending his niece, Silver St. Cloud to seduce Bruce. When taken as a choice between Silver and Selina, this plotline tests Bruce's ability to separate who he wants to be from who his status tells him he should be. Galavan and Silver maintain a friendly face, offering to help clean up corruption at Wayne Enterprises, to give him a nice, high-class girlfriend — of course, it's entirely insincere. Galavan tries to get Bruce to sign away Wayne Enterprises in exchange for information about Bruce's killer. But he rejects this, choosing to break his obsession with finding his parents' killer and stops Galavan from getting a powerful resource.

Ultimately, Galavan is a master manipulator, someone who always feels like the smartest man in the room. The way to beat him, then, is to be smarter, and to work together. "The Son of Gotham" is the episode that made me believe Mazouz's Bruce was Batman. In it, Silver St. Cloud and Bruce are kidnapped by a gangster known as "The Knife" and taken to separate rooms. The Knife informs Silver that his men are torturing Bruce, and that he won't stop until she tells him who killed the Waynes. Except that this was a trick, and Bruce hired The Knife to gain this information from Silver. It's a ruthlessly underhanded move, but gratifying in that it sees Bruce turn the tables against Silver. In the finale, when Galavan captures Bruce to sacrifice him to a death cult, it's a mix of police, Wayne employees, and rival crime bosses that must unite together to take Galavan down and rescue Bruce, proving that Galavan's attempts to divide Gotham could only be beaten by a united Gotham, and that Gotham could be united.

Part 4: This Ball of Mud and Meanness

In the second half of Season 2, Bruce finally finds his parents' killer, Matches Malone. He stands there, with his gun pointed at the culprit, ready to shoot. Mazouz's Batman is one of three live action versions of the character to find his parents' killer. And he's the only one who chooses not to kill him. Keaton killed Napier. Bale tried to kill Chill, and would have if someone else hadn't gotten to him first. But Mazouz looked Malone dead in the eye, put down the gun, and walked away. For many people, that was the defining moment of Mazouz's Batman. After this, Bruce decides to live on the streets for a little bit, to understand people like Malone and how they come to be.

Of course, Malone was hired by Hugo Strange. After surviving an attack from a temporarily resurrected Theo Galavan (because nobody stays dead in Gotham), Bruce goes into the belly of the beast, investigating Stange in Arkham. Barely surviving the encounter, Bruce now learns who ordered Strange to hire Malone to take out the Waynes: a secret council known as the Court of Owls.

Part 5: Anything For You

Unlike the previous seasons, Gotham's third season actually has three parts. The first eleven episodes are bonkers. One the Bruce Wayne side of things, he has an evil clone wandering around, a flawed duplicate created by Hugo Strange under the employ of the Court of Owls. Season 3 is about putting pressure on our characters. They've got to find an antidote before they are corrupted by a virus, Gordon has to make a choice of who to save, etc. In this way, Bruce's clone experiencing cellular decay is an added pressure: he won't be alive long, so he has to make every moment count. Meanwhile, Bruce is locked in a chess match against the Court of Owls: he wants to expose them, but their agents are working against him.

In this, we see a flawed, human boy trying his hardest to compete with an extremely competent secret organization. His support, then, comes from Selina. With Ivy going full-on supervillain, Selina needs Bruce as much as he needs her, and so they begin dating officially. This gets more complicated, then, when Selina's mother comes into the picture, and we get the idea that without Bruce, Selina is truly alone.

Part 6: The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

Gotham's best episode is entitled "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies". The episode's director, Louis Shaw Milito, would go on to be a producer for Superman & Lois, and his talent is on display here. In this episode, a resurrected Jerome Valeska (because nobody stays dead in Gotham), the show's first Joker, torments Bruce at a Carnival, dressing him as a clown and preparing a public execution. He would have killed Bruce in Wayne Manor if Bruce hadn't pointed out that it wasn't showy enough. Yeah, he was buying time, and Jerome knew that, the appeal to Jerome's nature allows Bruce to escape later on. And then comes the Killing Joke-inspired confrontation in the house of mirrors. Bruce fights Jerome one-to-one, beats him, and then, when he's about to kill the clown, sees himself, his face painted like a clown, about to kill, and decides to spare Valeska. That fight, to me, is the defining moment of Mazouz's Bruce. At the end of the episode, Bruce vows that he will not kill in his fight against crime, taking a monumental step to become Batman.

Part 7: Destiny Calling

During the second half of Season 3, Bruce is sent to a far away dungeon and trained by the Sensei. He is conditioned to be a knight for Gotham, but in the cleanse-it-of-its-evil-via-stabby-stab kind of way. This arc sees his morals, and his decree that he wouldn't kill, tested to the limit when he is brainwashed. In the end, he is able to break free from the Sensei's conditioning and face the person who ordered the Sensei to create the Court of Owls which ordered Hugo Strange to hire Matches Malone to kill the Waynes in the first place: Ra's al Ghul. The reveal is the single time a Ra's al Ghul plot point actually works in this show. But on a character level, Bruce has finally found the top of the hierarchy, but has lost a part of himself. It was hurting Alfred that allowed Bruce to go against the brainwashing, but damage was still done. His training with the Sensei has permanently severed who he was from who he will become. In the final moments of Season 3, Bruce dawns a dark suit and stops a couple from being murdered in the streets, becoming a masked vigilante for the first time, finally ready to embrace his destiny and make sure that no other child will have to go through what he did.

Part 8: They Who Hide Behind Masks

Bruce's vigilante career lasts for five episodes. First, Bruce helps Gordon undermine Penguin's system of licensing criminals the ability to do crime without police interference. Then, he obtains a bulletproof prototype suit from Lucius Fox, who I love on this show because he's just a nerd who can't really fight any of the villains except for Riddler. In the third episode, Bruce begins to play the part of the spoiled rich brat to hide his vigilantism. This choice, I think, gives us a new element of the character, inspired by the Dark Knight Trilogy: the billionaire playboy. This can also be read as a reaction to a frayed relationship with Selina: Bruce has been betrayed and stung by his relationships in the past, and is emotionally hardening himself. This, of course, pushes Selina away even further, as Bruce begins to romance former classmate Grace Blomdahl and befriends Thomas Elliot.

However, this new persona begins to take over Bruce and harm his relationship not only with Selina, but with Alfred. Alfred forces Bruce to stop his vigilantism after an encounter with Ra's al Ghul, and Bruce eventually fires Alfred at the midpoint of the season. And yes, they did already do this in season 2.

Part 9: Reunion

The second half of Season 4, for Bruce, is about reconnecting and learning to be a hero the right way. He failed the first time because of his ego, because he pushed people away. In this arc, he reconciles with Alfred and Selina and finally faces Ra's al Ghul. Ra's believes that it is Bruce's destiny to become the Dark Knight, but wants to wipe the city clean, with Bruce as his agent. When Bruce rejects this, Ra's and Jeremiah Valeska (the second Joker, identical twin of the first) destroy the bridges in and out of Gotham, turning it into No Man's Land. But Bruce decides to stay, seeing his role as not an agent of vengeance, but one as hope for Gotham. He stays because he believes he is needed in Gotham, and his desire to help the downtrodden trapped in the city is what makes him different from al Ghul's vision of the Dark Knight, and indeed, most versions of the character.

Part 10: The Beginning...

In the first season, Bruce did not feature on the Gotham poster at all. In the second and third seasons, he was a small part of these posters. But now, having become the force of personality he is, David Mazouz's Bruce Wayne features prominently alongside Jim Gordon on the seasons 4 and 5 posters.

Season 5 of Gotham adapt the No Man's Land and The Dark Knight Returns comics, with heavy inspiration from the film The Dark Knight Rises. Bruce must first help the GCPD resupply in No Man's Land, then save a partially paralyzed Selina, then begins tracking down Jeremiah Valeska. This comes to a head in "Ace Chemicals", which leads to a legendary confrontation between Bruce and Valeska, in which Jeremiah torments to boy in a similar (but wackier) manner to how his brother did, before falling into chemicals in a classic bit of Joker origin story. Of course, Bruce is there to help defend Gotham when Bane attacks, deciding once and for all that the city is worth saving. This question of whether the city is worth saving is a through-line in Bruce's arcs. Gordon wanted him to see that in season 1, even when Jerome and Ra's al Ghul tried to convince him of the contrary throughout the show. Now, he's embraced his destiny fully, as well as making it his own: he will be Gotham's savior.

Gotham's finale is... weird. It jumps ahead a full decade, when I would have been perfectly happy watching Bruce become Batman at seventeen. It implies Bruce did some training off-screen, in spite of the fact that he's been trained by street kids, British agents, police, and secret ninja-assassins already. I don't think the time jump was needed, but it did give us some things. Bruce features very little in this episode. He confronts Jeremiah Valeska from the shadows one more time, the clown having finally become the Joker. He has a final meeting with Selina, in which we see how being alone for all those years has affected her. And then, we end on a shot of Batman. David Mazouz did not play the Caped Crusader in this episode, which was disappointing. Still, it serves as an alright conclusion to the show.

Tracing Mazouz's arc, a lot happened. He watched his parents gunned down in an alleyway. He investigated their murder, found the dark side of the city, and began to understand the world they were hiding from him, all while finding a new family in those left behind. He outwitted an evil mastermind, and he spared his parents' killer after seeing his humanity. He dug into the soul of his city's corruption so that nobody would have to lose their parents like he did again. He fought against a madman and stayed his hand, vowing never to kill. He broke free of brainwashing to save Alfred. He went off the deep end, but he put his life back together. He stayed with Gotham in its most desperate hour. Gotham is far from perfect, but it gave us one of the best Batmen ever. With all of the screen time he gets, we're able to delve into his character more than any other Bruce Wayne before or since. And that, in my opinion, is why David Mazouz is the best live-action Batman.

Ask ME Anything

May 23, 2023

Alright, it's time. I'm gonna answer a bunch of Ask Me Anything Questions from you guys. If you want to submit your own, you can do so here. Now, without further delay, it's time to answer the questions. Even the gross ones.

Jackson Liekhus — Do you think Trap was a complete failure?

No. There was some good stuff in there — your performance was one of them. Sure, the show was a little silly, but good art evokes emotion, and Trap was at least memorable and atmospheric. There was plenty of high points in that show, even if it didn't turn out great.

Henry Monahan — What is the you've ever done?

I don't know how to take this question. Literally, it probably involves touching melted duct tape at Adventure Guides. As for the more figurative interpretation, it probably involves that hotel room in Winter Park — you know the one. That's all I'll say.

Anonymous — [Buttocks] or [breasts]?

It's what's on the inside that counts. Specifically, kidneys, which can fetch a pretty high price on the black market.

Jackson Liekhus — What would you change about Trap if you wrote it?

I'd make it a more active play. Have the detective dig through old records, and give the pharonochs reveal more tension. I think an interesting idea would be to use the analog horror to your advantage. For example, the detective could unearth some tapes in which a feronic attacks its victim, except that you would only hear the sound as the actors involved, so that rather than act out the scene, the actors stare directly at the audience while reciting their lines. You'd still get the vocal intonation and voice work, but the actors wouldn't be moving because it's an audio tape, not a visual tape. Likewise, security camera footage could have a silent performance. Point is, you could do something with the analog horror of unearthing this story via evidence by adapting the show to represent the mediums involved. And I would probably abandon the whole theatrical element entirely and just do a classic invasion of the body snatchers story, but if you really wanted to keep the "play within a play" you could drop more hints that the original play is the one you're seeing — you could even have places where the "actors" are given names of people really in the theater troupe performing the show. Still, I have the benefit of hindsight, and I think that Trap played around with some interesting ideas as it stands.

Henry Monahan — Who is your most recent former crush?

Answering that question would involve a more comprehensive understanding of my emotions than I possess. That said, I don't think there have been any recent developments you haven't heard about.

Anonymous — Best age range for attractiveness?

16 - 72. That will probably change as I get older.

Jackson Liekhus — Should stop talking about Trap?

No. We discuss stories so that we can gain meaning from them, learn from them, learn what they did well and what they did poorly, and improve our own writing as well as our lives. We talk about Trap to understand it, and it must have done something right if we're still talking about it.

Henry Monahan — Best Non-Action Film of All Time?

Objectively speaking, Paddington II, though I highly recommend the first film before seeing the sequel because the original is also very good. That said, the film that's probably impacted my core ideology and the way I see the world the most is Legally Blond.

Anonymous — [Redacted]

I am not answering that question. If you want to know what the question was, you can ask me, but after this I was reluctant to include our anonymous questioner's other questions as well.

So there you go, there are my answers. Again, you can submit new questions for my next AMA here. And until next time, watch the Paddington movies. They're truly amazing.

Fancasting Wonder Woman Using Juniors* In Theater

May 3, 2023

The trilogy is almost complete; it is now time for my hardest fan cast yet. Why is it so difficult? Well, first of all, if you though Superman villains were obscure, Wonder Woman's rogues gallery is arguably less well-known than Aquaman's. Partially this is due to Wonder Woman's history; while her creator is a whole other topic onto himself, different eras of Wonder Woman have different stories: in the Golden Age, she mainly battled costumed supervillains like the Blue Snowman and Nazis like the spymaster Paula von Gunther while participating in World War II. In the Silver Age, she fought more mythological threats, though there was a brief period in which she lost her powers and was made a spy. In the Bronze Age, she was briefly returned to World War II stories before the Modern Age updated to Wonder Woman mythos to what it most frequently looks like today, albeit with a brief costume change in the 90s that was about as well received as the Superman mullet. In the early 2000s, many of her villains were revamped, and several of her stories focused on her rivalry with pharmaceuticals titan Veronica Cale. In the New 52 (the 2010s), the focus was placed upon mythology with a rebooted continuity that was exceedingly dark.

Wonder Woman, in spite of her popularity, has a far less defined mythos than Superman or Batman. But we're gonna try to fancast Wonder Woman and her supporting cast.

Diana Prince/Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman was a member of a race of warrior women known as the Amazons on their island of Themyscira, crafted out of clay by their queen, Hippolyta, and given life by the Greek god Zeus. After a pilot named Steve Trevor crashed on the shores of Themyscira, she left to become a hero to the world.

I'm gonna give this one to Sara Schumacher. You learn pretty quick that there are only three Junior girls in theater when you have to do a Wonder Woman fancast, and I think Sara could confidently play the Dauntless with both compassion and strength. The Diana Prince identity, if she did in fact have a secret identity, could be experimented with, as Diana Prince is a far less defined persona than Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent and is sometimes absent all together.

Wonder Girl/Donna Troy

Wonder Woman doesn't have as robust a superhero family as many others, but she does have a couple of Wonder Girls. The first, most famous, and most frequently retconned of these is Donna Troy, who has sort of a wonky history in the comics that I won't get into. My favorite of her origins goes that she was abandoned by her parents and saved from a fire by Wonder Woman, who took her back to Themyscira to be raised by the Amazons before she was adopted as Wonder Woman's first sidekick. She was also a staple of the first iteration of the Teen Titans.

I'm gonna cheat and pull from the Sophomores for this one, and cast this one as Myka Beck. Donna Troy, like other sidekicks, embodies a youthful energy, one that I think Myka Beck's enthusiasm would portray well. Plus, the only time Donna Troy has properly been adapted as more than a cameo was in the show Titans, which I hear is... not good.

Etta Candy

Wonder Woman's best friend is a staple of the character's mythos. She's a confident, fighting woman whose friendship with Diana is that of a healthy female friendship, free from any toxicity, at least in the good portrayals. Etta is unashamed to be herself. I like how they used her in the 2017 Wonder Woman film, because some of that movie was a fish out of water story, they had Etta Candy help Diana adjust to the modern world. Steve Trevor might be her introduction to Man's World, but Etta is her introduction to Woman's World, teaching her how to survive as a woman in a society that... isn't Themyscira.

I'd go with Sammy Robertson for this cast. I think she could portray the utter confidence and lovability of Etta well, keeping what makes the character special.

Steve Trevor

Steve Trevor is one of the best superhero love interests, second only to Lois Lane herself. He's a courageous pilot, an essential component of the Wonder Woman mythos. He's the love interest of Diana's with the most staying power, and a great pilot at that. I'd go with Henry Monahan for this one; I think he could play a rugged and brave pilot with a lot of charisma.

General Phil Darnell

Wonder Woman's commanding officer has to be tough, hardened, and righteous. He's a mentor to Steve Trevor and a good man a bit past his prime. I think Bennett Calvert could bring both a sense of honor to this character, especially seeing as how he's kind of been lost to the Golden Age.

Zeus

Diana's father has to command the room, demonstrate immense power, and occasionally be a bit of a jerk. I'll go with Harrison Jones for this one; his performances in Brothers Grimm and especially his performance as Oberon in Midsummer really make me think he could do a good interpretation of the god of thunder.

Lance Gardner

Wonder Woman's neighbor could be played by Austin Casey. And yes, I have run out of male supporting characters. Okay, now for the villains.

Veronica Cale

Veronica Cale was invented as a Lex Luthor-type villain for Wonder Woman. The CEO of a pharmaceutical company, she's an effective mastermind of a villain with some unscrupulous morals. Myah Dobbins could play a really fun villain here, combining power with snark into a concoction of villainy.

Maxwell Lord

Maxwell Lord is a billionaire with a hatred of metahumans, a master manipulator of a Wonder Woman villain. Nick Hays is my pick for this guy; I think that his role in Crafting a Killer is proof that he can play a really good villain, and Lord is a good match for him.

Ares

The god of war demands an intimidating presence, and I think Jackson Liekhus is the man for the job. I think that he could convey Ares's sheer power and malice and believably evoke fear from the characters involved, but he could potentially also go a number of directions in depicting a different side of the character.

Duke of Deception

The Duke of Deception sometimes serves as an emissary for Ares and other times serves as an independent agent. He evokes fear and malice in the hearts of man, serving as Ares's right-hand man with trickery and lies. I think Cy Conaway could play this character well and perhaps serve as a more entertaining villain than the generically malicious Ares.

Angelo Bend/Angle Man

The best Wonder Woman villain is an Italian art thief named Angelo Bend, who became the villain Angle Man. With his reality-warping protractor and thieving abilities, Angle Man is a delightfully campy villain with a lot of untapped potential. I'd go Owen Unrein for this one; I think he could have a lot of fun with a part like this.

Edgar Cizko/Doctor Psycho

Ah yes, everybody's favorite misogynistic hypnotist. Doctor Psycho is a really disturbing villain, given his questionable views of consent and utter hatred of women. He's a manipulator and has a really dark past, but he can also be somewhat humorous in less dark moments. I think that Hayden Hughes could do this character justice, bringing his own charisma to a take on perhaps Wonder Woman's darkest villain.

Apollo

Okay, I've got to be honest, I'm running out of male Wonder Woman villains. Apollo is a villain during the New 52 run of Wonder Woman, a story that has Apollo as an ambitious and treacherous child of Zeus, a narcissist with ambitions of seizing the throne of Olympus. I think that Grant Kozisek could bring a new take on the New 52's Apollo.

There you go, there's the Wonder Woman fan cast. And thus the DC Fancast Using Juniors in Theater saga is complete. For now.

Why Superman is the Best Superhero

April 25, 2023

It's no secret that Superman is my favorite superhero. Sure, there are a lot of superheroes I like: at Marvel, Spider-Man, Ant-Man, and Daredevil are some of my favorites; at DC... okay, I actually really like most DC characters. But Superman will always inhabit a special place as my favorite superhero. In case you're unfamiliar, the story goes that on Krypton, a planet orbiting a red sun doomed for destruction, scientists Jor-El and Lara Jor-El send their young boy, Kal-El, to Earth. There, he is found by a kindly couple, Johnathan and Martha Kent, and raised on a farm where he discovers his Kryptonian heritage that the yellow sunlight of Earth gives him extraordinary superpowers: Super strength, near-invulnerability, flight, super speed (faster than a speeding bullet), super jumping (leaping tall buildings in a single bound), heat vision, cold breath, super eyesight, super hearing, super smell, and super-memorization. He then comes of age and goes to the big city of Metropolis to become a reporter at the Daily Planet as mild-mannered glasses-wearing Clark Kent, meeting coworkers like the young upstart photographer Jimmy Olsen, who quickly becomes his best friend and star reporter Lois Lane, whom he quickly develops a crush upon, all while leading a double life as the costumed superhero Superman.

But many people say that Superman is too powerful, or too generic, or too good. So I'm gonna take you through the parts of the Superman character I enjoy, recommend some of the media that gets it right, and try to improve your opinion of this superhero that most people think they know but don't.

Superman as a Hero

One trend I'm getting sick of is cinematic superheroes not saving people. In Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, Bruce Wayne criticizes the Daily Planet for "writing a puff piece" whenever Superman saves a cat from a tree, which I would have liked to actually see from a version of Superman that didn't seem particularly heroic. The quality of a superhero movie actually correlates pretty well with whether or not they actually save people, beyond vague save-the-world stop-the-alien-invasion stuff. Superman is a superhero who fulfills the dream of being able to be there to help when the situation seems hopeless. In the 1978 film Superman, the titular character never throws a punch, but there is a montage of him saving people when he first arrives in Metropolis, before we even see Lex Luthor once. The point of Superman is that he saves people. One of my favorite examples comes from the comic Superman: Grounded, in which Superman is there for a girl about to take her life and is able to talk her off her cliff. There's a similar case in All-Star Superman, but the one in Grounded gets more focus. Read that part of the story, and just tell me you don't feel anything. Try.

Superman as Hope and Optimism

"Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." This is the quote people point to when making a Superman satire. The idea behind Superman is that somebody exempt from some of the challenges of powerlessness would be able to just be good without limitation. The argument for Superman is that humans are good by default, and it is adversity that corrupts them. Most of the criticisms of Superman are cynical, the argument that someone with so much power would fall to evil, but some of the best Superman stories have him confront modern cynicism; a couple of good examples include an episode of the Superman: The Animated Series called "Livewire" and my personal favorite Superman movie, Superman vs. the Elite. While some people feel that a character like Superman can't exist in a grounded and dark setting, I think he's actually perfect for such a setting as a beacon of hope, a ray of sunshine. As long as you don't darken Superman, you can make his work as dark as you want so that he feels more and more necessary.

Superman Against Oppression

Superman was created by two Jewish men in 1938 who likely experienced frequent anti-semitism, so in his early years, he actually fought against injustice; he would struggle against domestic abusers and get emergency governor pardons for innocents on Death Row. Perhaps the most blatant example of Superman fighting against injustice probably came in the 1940 radio program The Adventures of Superman's arc "Clan of the Fiery Cross". The real life story goes that a human rights activist named Statson Kennedy infiltrated the Ku Klux Klan and similar groups. Suspecting that the Klan had connections to the police, he felt that he would get nowhere if he turned his findings over to the police, so he decided to get creative about striking at the Klan. He got in touch with the producers of the Superman radio program and proposed a story wherein Superman would battle the KKK. Now, I personally really like Superman's rogues gallery, but I can see why a long-running radio program would be desperate for villains, especially in 1946. And so the producers jumped at the opportunity, using Kennedy's information about Klan rituals in the arc "Clan of the Fiery Cross", in which Superman fought the Klan itself. The Klan's rituals were trivialized and villainized to a nationwide audience, their alluring secret rituals that preyed on the fear of missing out being made to look pointless and even silly to an entire nation, de-mistifying the Klan. This actually led to dwindling membership in the Klan, especially in the North. This groundbreaking story was hugely popular and led to increased sales for Kellogg's, the radio program's sponsor, who stood by it in spite of the Klan's feeble attempts to boycott the company. Yep, Superman actually dealt a blow to the Ku Klux Klan in the late 1940s. And you wonder why this guy is my favorite superhero. This radio program was later adapted into the 2019 limited series "Superman Smashes the Klan", which received widespread acclaim. This is probably the most prevalent example of Superman's role as a crusader against injustice, but that element of his character is baked into his DNA. That's why he's the Man of Tomorrow. Also I like it when superheroes punch Nazis. Wonder Woman's a bit stronger on that front, but Supes has done his fair share of Nazi-punching.

Superman's Four Identities

Superman's duality is often explored, but actually, Superman has four identities: there's Kal-El, the inquisitive son of Kryptonian scientists; Clark Kent, the humble farm boy who was raised by Johnathan and Martha Kent; Clark Kent, the big city reporter; and Superman, the hero. Superman's multiple identities make him feel like a champion of the outsider; like so many of us, he doesn't fit in. This is an aspect of the character that is well-explored in the film Superman: Man of Tomorrow. We've already touched on some of the major aspects of the Superman identity, but what about the other three? Let's talk about each of them.

Superman as a Scientist

The idea that Superman pursues science in honor of his Kryptonian parents is an often forgotten part of the Superman mythos. Some adaptations focus on the Kryptonian lore and Jor-El; this is actually something Man of Steel does pretty well, and his Kryptonian identity is the central focus of the story "For the Man Who Has Everything", at least in the version from Justice League Unlimited. But in terms of Superman being a scientist himself, there are a few adaptations that emphasize this. It's worth noting that Superman can be a role model not just for his morality, but his inquisitiveness, and these examples highlight this. In Superman vs. the Elite, we see his Superman robots, a fun science fiction concept that has rarely made it to the big screen. In Superman: The Animated Series, he builds his Fortress of Solitude and turns it into something of a zoo. It is All Star Superman, however, that really leans into this idea most; not only are the Superman robots there, but Superman really gets up to some serious science in that story, with his enhanced intellect from his sun bath early in the story: he uses his genome to create a serum to give Lois Lane superpowers, he creates a simulated universe that's vaguely implied to be our own, and he works with Kandorian scientists to literally cure cancer. And then he brings the cure to a bunch of sick kids he's been visiting every week to keep their spirits up. Because Superman.

Superman as a Farm Boy

To be honest, Superman as a farm boy is probably the element of his character I'm most unfamiliar with. Much of this identity is focused on in stories about his early adventures in his home town of Smallville, Kansas; I've heard that the comic Superman For All Seasons and the earlier seasons of Smallville explore this well, but I can't recommend those because I haven't seen them. Still, the small town humble upbringing is what inspires Superman's morality; while Johnathan and Martha Kent weren't perfect, they were good parents for Superman. In adaptations where Johnathan Kent dies, he dies unpreventable from a heart attack, one that Clark can't save him from. It's a valuable lesson that you can't always save everyone, a lesson it takes a lot longer for someone like the Flash to learn. Clark's early upbringing is a huge part of his character, one that can't be removed.

Superman as a Reporter

I think that Superman as a reporter is often untapped potential; usually they leave the reporting to Lois Lane in his stories. Still, while Clark isn't as good a reporter as Lois Lane, Superman as a reporter is an aspect of his character that emphasizes him as a farm boy trying to make it in the big city, a relatable feeling for many people who grew up in small towns and tried to make it in the big city. One thing I wish more Superman adaptations would dwell on more is Clark Kent and Lois Lane's rivalry, especially in the early years, as each tried to get the big scoop on the story, before their romance. Adaptations that do highlight this playful rivalry include Superman: The Animated Series and Superman vs. the Elite. Superman's reporter aspect also plays into the aforementioned desire to right the wrongs of society; adaptations that highlight this include the episode "The Late Mr. Kent" from Superman: The Animated Series and yes, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Is the movie perfect? No. Does it do Superman justice? Not really. Does Zach Snyder sound a whole lot like Manchester Black in interviews? Yes. But this element of the character is done pretty well in that film.

Superman as a Religious Figure

A lot of movies play up Jesus or Moses imagery with Superman. In terms of the Moses imagery, people point to Superman's coming to Earth in a basket because it wasn't safe for him to stay on Krypton and his leading of a people and fight against oppression. Meanwhile, examples of Christ imagery include his being sent down onto Earth from the skies, being raised by a humble working family, and occasionally contacting a distant father. I think that there's an angle that works here, but it can be overdone. I don't personally like this angle, but it deserves to be discussed; I think it's better when Superman is a simple farm boy at heart. If you like stuff that emphasizes the Christ imagery, Superman does it pretty well, and Man of Steel certainly goes for it.

Superman as a Leader

Superman is usually the leader and founder of the Justice League, and he is shown to be the ideal that the other heroes aspire toward. He befriends an initially mistrustful Batman and mentors the Flash, dynamics best seen in the Justice League show. His connection to Wonder Woman is less well-defined, and some writers have tried to implement a romance between the two, but people generally like Wonder Woman with Steve Trevor or Batman better. Perhaps the Justice League member he is most connected to is Martian Manhunter, mainly because he doesn't get his own books very often; Martian Manhunter disguised himself as Clark Kent's history teacher, and a frequent dynamic is that Superman either inspires him to reveal himself, like in Superman: Man of Tomorrow or Jack Snyder's Justice League, or helps him fit in with humanity, like in the Justice League television show.

But Superman is a leader for one other team: The Legion of Superheroes, a team of superheroes from the 31st century whose creation he inspires. The idea of Superman inspiring others is a through-line throughout many of his stories, and while he isn't always the leader of the team, the Legion of Superheroes is a reminder of that. Plus they inhabit a fun and often forgotten part of the DC universe. And the Legion of Substitute Heroes is the best superhero team ever.

Superman as a Trickster

One final element of Superman's intellect that has been neglected over the years is his role as a trickster. It's not very common anymore, but Superman was a prankster back in the Golden and Silver Ages. If you don't want to implement too much social commentary into your Superman story, Superman as a trickster is a way to give him a bit of edge. Superman vs. the Elite once again does this very well, but so does the episode "Mxyzptlked" from Superman: The Animated Series.

Superman's Supporting Cast

Superman also has an extensive supporting cast, most of which were introduced during the radio days. Lois Lan is the most famous, and for good reason. She's the cynical city girl to Clark Kent's optimistic farm boy, a no-nonsense reporter and perhaps among the most capable of Superhero love interests who aren't actual superheroes, besides maybe Steve Trevor. She is the model of a superhero love interest, one that Vicki Vale, Iris West, and many versions of Mary Jane owe a debt to. There are a lot of good adaptations of her, though one of my personal favorites is from Superman: The Animated Series.

Jimmy Olsen is Superman's best friend, a bright and optimistic red-haired photographer at the Daily Planet who Superman looks up to. Jimmy has a tendency to find himself in wacky situations, which was especially prevalent throughout the silver age of comics. The problems with Zach Snyder's take on Superman are very visible with his exclusion of Jimmy Olsen: he simply saw no place for youthful optimism in his movies. There haven't been a ton of great adaptations of him, but the one from Superman: The Animated Series was pretty good.

There are other supporting characters, but those are the main ones. Pete Ross was Superman's childhood best friend, Lana Lang his high school sweetheart, Perry White his boss at the Daily Planet, and so on. There aren't a ton of good adaptations for these characters, though I do enjoy the Animated Series's take on Lana Lang and I think that Laurence Fishburne is a great Perry White in the Snyder films.

The Superman Family

Like any long-lasting superhero, Superman has a family of related characters that have sprouted up over the years. Let's go through a few of the most significant. Supergirl is probably the most famous; otherwise know as Kara Zor-El, Kara Kent, or Linda Danvers, Supergirl's origin story varies wildly, but the typical one is thus: she was a teenager from Krypton who was the cousin of Kal-El. She was put into suspended animation and sent to Earth, but did not arrive until her baby cousin was an adult. There, she essentially became Superman's sometimes sidekick/sometimes solo hero Supergirl. She has since received a show on the CW, though I can't speak to its quality. Some recommended adaptations of her on the screen include the episodes "Little Lost Girl" from Superman: The Animated Series and "Far From Home" from Justice League Unlimited for her DCAU adaptation and my personal favorite, the 2023 film The Legion of Superheroes. There's also a relatively popular alternate-reality version of Supergirl called Power Girl, but she's rarely included in the main Superman family.

Steel was introduced during the Death of Superman storyline. John Henry Irons was a man saved by Superman who created an Iron Man-type suit to take up the mantle of Superman after his death at the hands of Doomsday. He was later succeeded by his niece Natasha. The character received a 1997 movie entitled Steel, starring Shaquille O'Neal. The movie has been hailed as the worst DC movie ever, but I actually quite enjoyed it. It's extremely campy, but the score is absolutely amazing. Only watch this movie if the trailer amuses you.

The first Superboy (besides Clark Kent during his early adventures), Conner Kent, was a teenage clone made from the combined DNA of Superman and Lex Luthor by Project Cadmus, made to replace Superman if he ever died. He, along with Steel, was one of the Superman replacements during The Death of Superman arc. Superboy's powers vary by version, but generally he either has kinetic abilities or similar powers to Superman himself. Conner is best known for having a leading role in the show Young Justice, but I must warn you that every season of that show is weaker than the previous one.

The other main Superboy is Jonathan Kent, the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Originally starring in a Super Sons comic with Damien Wayne, he was then (deep breath) sent to an alternate universe where all of the heroes are evil and then came back shortly thereafter as a teenager. This character is yet to see any real adaptation to speak of.

Superman also has a few pets, but the most notable is probably Krypto the Superdog, a kryptonian canine sent to Earth as a test flight for the rocket that would go on to transport Kal-El. He can honestly be a lot of fun but hasn't seen a whole ton of adaptation. The DC Animated Universe version is more of an homage than an actual adaptation. The most notable recent adaptation of the character comes in DC League of Super-Pets, which is a somewhat entertaining movie with a few laughs, but nothing particularly special.

Lex Luthor

Lex Luthor is Superman's archnemesis, and a very complex character at that. I think that the story that really hits the nail on the head with Lex's motivation is the story "The Gospel According to Lex Luthor" from All-Star Superman. Lex can be portrayed a number of ways, but he values human ingenuity above all else and sees himself as a self-made man who earned everything he got, and he's not wrong. He sees Superman as a cheater, someone handed power without merit who keeps people weak by making them rely on him. He wants to empower humanity against beings like Superman. Lex Luthor has had a few good adaptations; my favorites include that of Kevin Spacey in Superman Returns, who prepared for the role by being a deplorable human being, and of course Clancy Brown's version from the DCAU, who is, of course, the greatest Lex Luthor of all time.

Superman's Rogues Gallery

Superman doesn't have the same variety of villains as Batman or Spider-Man, but he does have a few good ones. General Zod is the biggest name in a genre of Superman villains that basically includes all of the evil surviving Kryptonians; Jax-Ur, Faora, etc. He is able to show a darker side of Krypton, one bent upon conquest. There are two iconic portrayals of the character, and both are excellent: Terence Stamp's chilling performance in Superman II, and the truly incredible Michael Shannon adaptation in Man of Steel. Yes, that movie is an imperfect Superman adaptation, but they really nail General Zod in that film.

Parasite and Metallo are two of Superman's more low level villains. Parasite is able to steal Superman's powers and Metallo is a cyborg powered by Kryptonite. They're probably done the most justice in Superman: The Animated Series. The same goes for Mister Mxyzptlk (mix-ease-pit-luck or mix-ease-pit-lick), a 5th dimensional imp who's fun for lighter and more comedic stories, and Brainiac, who is a Superman villain with few adaptations. Brainiac is a fun villain because of how cold and uncaring he is, an alien artificial intelligence dedicated to the collection of knowledge above all else.

Superman Stories

People have lots of complaints about Superman. They say he's too perfect, so you can't make him weak without krypotnite and can't give him a compelling character arc. I disagree. First, Superman has plenty of weaknesses: Parasite's draining rays, electricity, red sunlight, other Kryptonians, other people with superpowers, magic, etc. And even if he's invulnerable, you can challenge him by forcing him to stop collateral damage. As for a character arc, there are more ways to have a character go through change than by compromising their integrity; some stories have done the Spider-Man thing where he wonders if he can lead a normal life while taking on the burden of Superman. Some variations have him have to learn that he can't save everybody. One of my favorites comes from the 1978 movie Superman, in which he must reject his father's command to not interfere so that he can save Lois Lane, choosing Earth and change over Krypton and stagnation. There are so many interesting angles for the Superman character that have been explored, and more still left to explore.

The Best Superman Adaptation

Until now, I have skirted around my personal favorite Superman adaptation of all time: the live-action family drama series Superman & Lois. The show honors the previous incarnations of the character. It combines so many different aspects of his character incredibly beautifully. It tells the story of Clark Kent, now a father to two, moving back to Smallville after Clark's mother's death. It's a beautiful show with some great characters, including an amazing adaptation of Steel. It even has some good villains, the highlight being one Bruno Manheim. I highly recommend it as a jumping off point for Superman fans everywhere as a truly grounded and original take that understands what makes Superman the best superhero.

Superman is versatile. He's interesting. He's hope for the future. He provides the inspiration to be better. He's the kind of hero who desperately wants to help people, an optimistic believer in good. He represents the best of humanity and the belief that humanity is good. He fights for truth, a simple commitment to honesty and humility. He fights for justice, and against those who would promote hatred and injustice. He fights for the American way, the ideals of liberty and equality that America has frequently failed to live up to and is still driven by. And he fights for a better tomorrow, the hope that things will always get better. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman.

Fancasting Superman Using Juniors in Theater

April 11, 2023

I'm bored again, so I'm doing another fancast, but this time with my favorite superhero, Superman. Sure, nobody's ever heard of a lot of his villains, but that's not my problem. And if you get cast as someone you've never heard of, too bad, look them up.

Clark Kent/Kal-El/Superman

Alright, we need somebody with leading man energy, and I think Owen Unrein is the way to go on this one. Superman has to be optimistic, somewhat silly, but pure-hearted, and Unrein can play a lovably innocent character with a simple desire to do good.

Lois Lane

Lois Lane has to be a tough, brave reporter with a stubborn hatred of corruption. She's no good in a fight but she's wicked smart and fierce. Samantha Robertson is an ideal cast for this character.

Kara Zor-El/Supergirl

Kara Zor-El is Superman's cousin, and she's blonde. So yes, it is a little weird that I'm casting Sara Schumacher for this. But Kara is a young and optimistic character who nevertheless has an anger that Clark lacks. She's a bit smarter than Clark is but worse with people. I think Sara could play both the lovable optimism and the angry edge of the character well.

Jimmy Olsen

Superman's pal, the overeager ginger photographer at the Daily Planet, is a character unfairly snubbed by some more recent Superman media. Grant Kozisek is the right cast for this character. And yes, this is partially because he's a ginger, but I also think he could play the energetic youth of this photographer.

Perry White

The editor at the Daily Planet is a good fit for Bennett Calvert. He's Superman's boss and the headline-chasing editor at the Daily Planet, but there's not much more that's too significant about him.

Lana Lang

Clark's childhood sweetheart, Lana Lang, is a good fit for Madison Brown. Yeah, I kind of gave her the short end of the stick in the last fan cast, which is why I'm giving her a role this time that any Superman fan will be familiar with. Lana Lang was never a great fit for Clark in my opinion, but she's a fine love interest for the less responsible Superboy.

Dan Turpin

Dan Turpin heads Metropolis's police force, a hot-tempered but heroic officer of the law who at first disliked Superman but learned to appreciate his help. Harrison gets this one; cop energy. Anyway, onto the villains.

Lex Luthor

Lex Luthor was a hard one. After careful consideration, I decided that the self-made, envious, powerful manipulator sitting on Metropolis's throne of wealth should be played by Austin Casey. I think Casey could bring the control and confidence of Superman's rival as well as his hatred of the Man of Steel, even if he isn't bald.

Bizarro

Who do you get to play a clone of Owen Unrein? Henry Monahan. Bizarro is Superman's imperfect clone who lives on the cubic planet of Bizarro World. He is the opposite of Superman in a lot of ways: he has heat breath, cold vision, and a vulnerability to blue kryptonite.

Bruno Mannheim

Bruno Mannheim is Superman's biggest crime boss villain. Often in league with Darkseid, when done well he is Superman's Kingpin. When done poorly, the leader of Intergang just a thug for Superman to apprehend. But I think the power he can command when used properly could be conveyed well by Jackson Liekhus. Liekhus would be able to menace the heroes well enough to play the villain well.

Livewire

Like Harley Quinn's story of going from Batman: The Animated Series to the comics and then into adaptation, Livewire was created for Superman: The Animated Series before being put into comics and eventually being adapted into Smallville and Supergirl. Leslie Willis was a radio personality with a hatred for Superman who is struck by lightning. Gaining electrical powers, she became the supervillain Livewire. Her character is zany, cruel, and energetic. I'm gonna go with Myah Dobbins for this cast; she could definitely do Livewire justice.

Parasite

Parasite is one of the least well-defined characters in DC comics. His main ability is the power to absorb the superpowers of other characters. Several versions different characters have taken on the mantle, though Rudy Jones is probably the most popular. In the past four years alone, the character has been portrayed as everything from a kaiju to a cult leader. I'm going to go Nick Hays for this one; he could portray the humble beginnings and simple character of Rudy Jones as well as the maliciously villainous Parasite.

Toyman

If Livewire is Superman: The Animated Series's answer to Batman: The Animated Series's Harley Quinn as an original female character that quickly became a staple of the associated hero's rogue's gallery, then Toyman is S:TAS's answer to B:TAS's Mister Freeze; a goofy villain from the comics given a chillingly disturbing overhaul. I think that Cy Conaway's normally comedic presence could be adjusted to the terrible creepiness of the Toyman.

Mister Mxyzptlk

Let's start with how to pronounce this character's name. While the pronunciation has changed over the years, I usually pronounce it "Mix ease pit luck". Mr. Mxyzptlk is an imp from the 5th dimension, one with some flair and goofiness. He is a being of absolute cosmic power who would be a serious threat if he used his power for anything but mischief. He's usually used for comedy, though he has gone full-on villain, like in Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?. I'd like to see him as a malicious trickster with Rumplestiltskin-like personality, a role that would be very well filled by Hayden Hughes. Hayden deserves to play a fun, twisted villain, and the closest he's really come is Lord Farquaad.

Story

I think that this cast is ideal for an adaptation of the story Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow; the framing device of an interview with Lois Lane feels very theatrical. You'd have to combine Prankster and Toyman into one character, explain Parasite's death without the use of Terra-Man, reduce Brainiac's role in the story, have Jimmy Olsen be the one to interview Lois Lane, and include a sub-plot where Supergirl and Dan Turpin investigate intergang. But this story would still very much fit the cast.

There's your Superman fan cast. Maybe I'll do a Wonder Woman fan cast at some point. Problem is, Wonder Woman hardly has any male supporting characters. Well, except for Steve Trevor. And Trevor Barnes. And Phil Darnell. And Maxwell Lord. And Ares. And Eris. And Phobos. And Deimos. And Hades. And Doctor Psycho. And Angle Man.

Every Major Baldur's Gate Villain Ranked

April 2, 2023

You know, I don't play a lot of video games. The one exception to this is Baldur's Gate, a game series based on the 2nd Edition D&D ruleset. So I figured I'd rank every major villain in the game series. First, some ground rules. These will only include villains from the Bhaalspawn saga; a game has to star Gorion's Ward in order to count. So this includes Baldur's Gate, Baldur's Gate: Siege of Dragonspear, Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn, and Baldur's Gate II: Throne of Bhaal, which take place in that order. Baldur's Gate III is not a sequel to these earlier games, and they just named it that for marketing reasons. For this ranking, I will consider chapter final bosses where they exist, plus any other important villains. Anyway, after this point, we enter spoiler territory, but if you don't care about that, just sit back, relax, and enjoy.

31. Prat — Baldur's Gate Chapter 6

Prat barely made the list. Even if you've played through the entire game again and again, you probably barely remember this guy. He leads a group of mercenaries at the end of the Candlekeep catacombs, in the basilisk caves. He's a little tough to beat, but generally isn't very notable. The only thing that keeps him on the list is the fact that he's the last major combat encounter of this chapter.

30. Zhalimar Cloudwulfe — Baldur's Gate Chapter 5

Another barely boss, Zhalimar isn't particularly memorable either. In Chapter 5, the Flaming Fist conscripts the player's party in taking down the Iron Throne. The final quest you get in this chapter is to infiltrate the Iron Throne headquarters. At the top floor of the building, you face a group of Iron Throne leaders, led by Zhalimar Cloudwulfe. The battle is a bit more climactic and difficult than the one with Prat, putting Zhalimar ever so slightly above Prat.

29. Lassal — Shadows of Amn Chapter 3 (Sided With Gaelan Bayle)

In Chapter 3, the protagonist has the option of siding with the Shadow Thieves, a murderous thieves guild filled with the worst scum and villainy in Athkatla (the good option), or a guild of vampires in league with the game's villain (the bad option). Since these vampires are led by Chapter 6's antagonist, Bodhi, you don't actually get to slay her in this chapter if you side with Gaelan Bayle, a representative of the Shadow Thieves. Instead, the closest thing you have to a final boss is one of her goons, a vampire called Lassal. The only reason why he beats out the previous two is that I at least remembered that he existed before starting this article, the vampire dungeon is fun, and it's also fun to stake vampires.

28. Prison Warden — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Bard)

In Chapter 2, there is no real final boss. The goal of the chapter is to accrue a small fortune to pay the Shadow Thieves (or the vampires) for transport to Brynnlaw, the main setting of Chapter 4. That said, a quest is recommended to you based upon your class that will, if played right, result in the acquisition of a stronghold. Though anyone can play through these class quests, only members of the associated class can gain a stronghold. So I'll consider the main villain of each of these quests a boss of Chapter 2, depending upon your class. The Prison Warden is the final boss of the Bard class quest, in which you have to enter an alternate plane of existence to kill him. I think. It's a really confusing quest and there's not really anything interesting about this unnamed cambion prison warden, other than that he's an evil slaver who mutters some vague evil dialogue. It hurts a little having to kill his thralls, so that twinge of emotion at least puts him above his inferiors.

27. Shade Lord — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Ranger)

The Ranger class quest is arguably the hardest, and all you get out of it is a lousy cabin. (Although in Chapter 6 there is a quest that's a lot easier if you've already cleared out this dungeon.) That said, the dungeon isn't too long, and the Shade Lord is a generically evil but still fun antagonist with some nasty level drains.

26. Korlasz — Siege of Dragonspear Chapter 7

Siege of Dragonspear doesn't really do chapter bosses. That said, the game's prologue sees you and a part of fellow adventurers hunting down the last of Sarevok's followers, ending his influence over the realms once and for all. (Until Throne of Bhaal, at least.) Korlasz is a mostly forgettable villain in an uninteresting and confusing dungeon, but she is a good way to re-introduce a newer, more powerful protagonist. Siege of Dragonspear is a victory lap for Gorion's Ward, an in-between adventure where they get to appreciate the praise of Baldur's Gate before moving on. Seeing as how this game came out after the others, it's also a good way of bringing the Player Character back to the lighter world of the first game. Oh, and you don't actually have to fight Korlasz to advance, if memory serves.

25. King Ixilthetocal/Prince Villynaty — Shadows of Amn Chapter 4

Chapter 4 is the midpoint of Shadows of Amn and sees the first real confrontation between Irenicus and Gorion's Ward. So Irenicus is the villain of this chapter, I suppose. That said, there is an optional sequence in this chapter where you try to sail away from Brynnlaw, only to end up sinking into a sahuagin city, where there is a final villain Depending on which sahuagin faction you side with, this is either King Ixilthetocal or his son, Prince Villynaty. This part of the chapter is almost entirely skippable, and indeed I did skip it in my first full run-through of Shadows of Amn. But the underwater city is a fun, exotic location, and it was a genuinely enjoyable part of the game, even if its villains were a little bit one-note. Also, this is where you go to find some pretty good treasure.

24. TorGal — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Fighter/Barbarian/Monk)

The class quest for fighters (plus barbarians and monks) is to clear out the keep of the d'Arnise family, a family of rural lords. The keep is occupied by trolls, and if you are of the right class, completing this quest can earn you the keep as a stronghold. TorGal is the lord of the trolls, and if you have Nalia in your party, she at least has a decent personal connection to TorGal. All in all, TorGal and his troll dungeon are a blast to play through, and this villain is a lot of fun, if a bit one-note.

23. Belhifet — Siege of Dragonspear Chapter 12

The final boss of Siege of Dragonspear just isn't that interesting. He's just another devil with an unpronounceable name that is unknown to even the most die-hard of D&D fans. He's a way for the game to hastily force the redemption of its main antagonist, Caelar Argent, so that you can team up with her to take him down. He's at least kind of fun to fight, and Avernus is one of the more memorable extradimensional sites the game series visits. His connection with Caelar Argent also makes him at least somewhat memorable. But all in all, I think there should have been an option to just battle Caelar instead, since she was the main antagonist of the game.

22. Aran Linvail — Shadows of Amn Chapter 3 (Sided With Bodhi)

If you side with Bodhi in Chapter 3, your final quest is to kill Aran Linvail, leader of the Shadow Thieves. Aran really isn't a significant character unless you side with Gaelan Bayle, in which case you are uneasy allies. Sure, thief fights are fun, but I usually avoid going this route unless I'm playing a rare evil run-through, which I usually don't do. If you do side with the Shadow Thieves, you learn that he's a little bit untrustworthy (which you totally didn't already expect from the leader of the Shadow Thieves) and can recruit him to fight Bodhi in Chapter 6. So it's actively harmful to you to take the path where this guy is the main villain of this chapter, and what interesting traits he have can only be learned about if you ally with him, making him a somewhat lousy villain, even if the Shadow Thief cellar is a fun dungeon.

21. Tazok — Baldur's Gate Chapter 3

Okay, so you don't actually fight Tazok in Chapter 3, but as the leader of the Bandit Camp, he counts as this chapter's main antagonist. It's kind of a similar situation to what happens with Bodhi in Chapter 3 of Shadow's of Amn, except that Tazok never gets his own chapter to be the villain. Intead, he shows back up at the end of the game as a minion of Sarevok. Overall, he's a fairly one-note villain, but he is still probably the most memorable of Sarevok's lackeys. Also he pops back up under the thumb of another great villain in Shadows of Amn, and that's kind of a fun encounter.

20. Lavok — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Mage/Sorcerer)

Lavok is a mage antagonist in a weird and fun dungeon that contains golems, murderous halflings, and elementals. It's certainly a weird quest, but Lavok's death makes him significantly more memorable than some of the other villains on this list. In your battle with Lavok, you merely mortally wound him; once the planar sphere is restored to the material plane, he is freed from the shadow corrupting his mind, and asks you to bring him outside to see the light one last time. It's a simple story, but it's fun.

19. Illasera — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 8 (Grove of the Ancients)

Illasera isn't a chapter villain, but her spot as a member of the Five gives her villain status. Illasera is a charmingly wicked introduction to the Five Bhaalspawn alliance and Throne of Bhaal as a whole. She goes down pretty easily and is just a glorified mercenary, but the fight with her serves as a successful prologue to the game. Also, I find it funny that the male cloaked figures of human size in the teaser at the end of Shadows of Amn are supposed to be the Five Bhaalspawn alliance, despite the fact that two of them are women, one is a fire giant, and one is a dragon, meaning that the only one that at all resembles the cloaked figures from that teaser is Balthazar.

18. Faldorn — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Druid)

Faldorn serves as the antagonist of the Druid class quest and is a villainous druid who druid party members can challenge, including the PC, for control of the grove. Faldorn is a fairly one-note baddy, but her quest is fun even if the druid grove is a bit of a slog. Her encounter is easy, but hey, the Druid quest is probably the least stressful class quest.

17. Sendai — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 9 (Sendai's Enclave)

Sendai is the dark elf boss of her enclave in Throne of Bhaal. Her character is a generically hateable dark elf, but she has a fairly interesting (and fairly difficult) boss fight. Her dungeon allows for two routes where you get to choose between fighting slaves and fighting animals (because drow are the worst) but her boss fight is one you really have to strategize with.

16. Amelyssan — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 10

The final boss of the series is a bit underwhelming, everything considered. I mean, her betrayal isn't too shocking, and her villainy isn't too interesting. Her connection with Balthazaar is relatively interesting, and it's fun to lord over her with how much more character development you have on your side. And her boss fight is fairly unique and interesting. And it's fun to gloat over her when you win and get to choose to be a god or a holier-than-thou hero. Fun times all around. But still, probably the weakest of the four main antagonists of the series, as much as I like Throne of Bhaal.

15. Mulahey — Baldur's Gate Chapter 2

Call it nostalgia, but I have a soft spot for Mulahey. His dungeon ingrained in me a liking for kobolds, and he is really the first real boss the player faces in the series. Before this, the most heroic thing most player characters have done is rescue Dynaheir from the gnoll fortress, and this villain really makes it feel like you've established yourself as a hero. While the kobolds are fairly repetitive, the Nashkel Mines are a great, visually interesting low-level dungeon, and Mulahey is threatening enough without being unbeatablef for new players. He's nothing special, but he really does feel like the beginning of something greater. Even if he quickly falls into the line of each boss working for the next one.

14. Davaeorn — Baldur's Gate Chapter 4

The Cloakwood Mines feel like a definite step up from the Nashkel ones. The dungeon feels living and breathing. And man, Davaeorn is just an easy antagonist to hate. He's not the only villain here to have slaves, but while clearing out this dungeon the player gets to know some of the people he's enslaved, which makes it all the more satisfying when you get to gut him. Combine that with a memorable mage boss fight, and you've got a great mid-game villain.

13. Bodhi — Shadows of Amn Chapter 6

Bodhi is a secondary antagonist throughout the middle section of Shadows of Amn, one who keeps toying with you behind the safety of her plot armor. Which makes it fun when you get to raid her vampire lair (possibly for the second time) and stake her in the heart. She's wickedly evil, through and through, and doesn't mind hurting the people Gorion's Ward loves. (Though if said people are DLC, they're notably resistant to this.) It's so good to finally have a pure evil vampire.

12. Mae'Var — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Thief)

The Thief class quest involves gaining the trust of and taking down a particularly cruel Shadow Thief guild master, and Mae'Var is a fun villain to defeat. In having to gain his trust and not get caught, you get to know this guy and see how he can be even worse than the other Shadow Thieves, all while compromising some of your morals to get to his inner circle. Then, with proper evidence, you're permitted to go in there, take him down, and, if you are a thief, claim his guildhall for one of the more rewarding strongholds in the game.

11. The Unseeing Eye — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Cleric)

The Cleric class quest has the player's party stop a beholder cult. The Unseeing Eye is not a particularly deep villain, but he is an exceptionally fun one to take out. Beholders are always really scary, and the Unseeing Eye's lair is one of the more effective Beholder dungeons in the game. That said, the instant kill rod does make the fight easier. That dungeon is also the main reason to go into the Temple District Sewers.

10. Abazigal — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 9 (Abazigal's Lair)

Abazigal is a dragon, and I like dragon fights. Also his dungeon is pretty cool; I like the water elemental level, and the eye dungeon is just the right level of weird. Oh, and this is also the dungeon where you find the bronze pantalettes, so that's cool. Abazigal is just a cool villain with a fun dungeon.

9. Firkraag — Shadows of Amn Chapter 2 (Thief)

Okay, so the paladin quest is to rescue a damsel in distress from a red dragon in his dungeon full of orcs. The most classic D&D adventure ever. Firkraag has an ego, a presence, a maliciousness that makes him a fun antagonist for this classic quest. Sure, you can choose not to slay him, but unless you're a paladin, you should take the opportunity to slay the beast. If nothing else, you can make a suit of armor out of his scales.

8. Balthazar — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 9

Balthazar is a pretty good villain. He's a lawful good monk who believes in eradicating Bhaalspawn; his motivations almost seem noble if you ignore the whole genocide thing. He wants to avert the creation of a new murder god or resurrection of an old one, even though there's already a murder god (Cyric) and besides it's not clear how bad Bhaal's return would actually be. Still, his motivations do make sense, and the fact that he's a monk sets him apart from most other villains.

7. Yaga-Shura — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 8

Ah, the fire giant lord. Yaga-Shura is just complex enough to be interesting. His prescence is felt from when you first arrive in Saradush, and the roundabout process you have to go through to slay him takes the player character to some pretty interesting places. The Marching Mountains stronghold is a very thematic dungeon, and all in all Yaga-Shura makes for a great boss villain.

6. Phaere — Shadows of Amn Chapter 5

Chapter 5 of Shadows of Amn is almost entirely skippable, but I don't recommend doing so. The main quest for the chapter involves going undercover in a dark elf city to rescue a silver dragon's eggs. While in the city you really you really see the problems with drow society, and get to either indulge in it or undermine in it in small ways; you can do the latter by freeing and equipping the slaves and letting Solaufein go. Which brings us to Phaere, who is one of the few characters whose expository backstory actually works. It's hinted that she was once young, optimistic, and in love, but had all of that ground out of her by her mother. She became cold, aloof, and treacherous, which ironically was what led to her betraying her mother. Combine that with the player character getting to know Phaere in a series of quests that feel like a higher-stakes version of the Mae'Var quest, and you have a pretty good villain.

5. Gromnir Il-Khan — Throne of Bhaal Chapter 8 (Saradush)

Gromnir only appears on-screen once, but he has an interesting dynamic with the other villains from Throne of Bhaal. Like the player character, he is opposed to Yaga-Shura and by extension the rest of the Five. He is the only major boss in Throne of Bhaal (outside of Watcher's Keep) that isn't a part of the Five, and his city is a really cool set piece, especially when you have to find a way into his castle. Plus he drops some cool loot. Oh, and he was totally right about Melissan. Don't underestimate this half-orc; he's smarter than he's given credit for.

4. The Imprisoned One — Watcher's Keep

Watcher's Keep is an optional dungeon available in both Shadows of Amn and Throne of Bhaal, and is kind of its own beast. Every level of the dungeon is unique and interesting, and at the bottom is the mysterious "Imprisoned One", who is hinted at again and again over the course of clearing out the dungeon. And the reveal is worth it. Oh, is it worth it. Despite the spoiler warning, I'm not going to spoil the true identity of the Imprisoned One. I guess you can look it up if you'd like, but I highly recommend keeping yourself in the dark about this so you can experience it in-game.

3. Caelar Argent — Siege of Dragonspear Chapter 11

The main antagonist of Siege of Dragonspear is generally great. She has an interesting motivation and a zealous cause, plus an interesting skill set. There's only three things that hold her back from perfection: first, she's completely unrelated to the Bhaalspawn conflict; second, she keeps getting away without explanation; and third, the game is a little bit too insistent that it redeem her. Still, she makes for a good villain for the weakest game in the quartology, and that's something, at least.

2. Sarevok — Baldur's Gate Chapter 7

It was hard not to put Sarevok first. After the prologue to Baldur's Gate, Gorion and the protagonist venture outside of candlekeep, only to be ambushed in the rain by a masked man and his allies, who strike down Gorion. This is your first impression of Sarevok — a foreboding, masked figure with sinister motives. Throughout the game, you learn that he is a fellow child of Bhaal, and his final plan to ascend to godhood serves as the template for the motivations of a lot of future villains, especially the Five in Throne of Bhaal. Speaking of which, in that final game, you can bring him back to life, recruit him, and even redeem him in a very rewarding way, though a redeemed Sarevok still inexplicably spouts off evil dialogue and complains about a high reputation.

Honorable Mention: Viekang

By the end of the Baldur's Gate saga, all the Bhaalspawn are dead. Well, sort of. The canonical ending is that Gorion's Ward, canonically named Abdel Adrian, gives up his divine power, as does his sister Imoen. Sarevok had to relinquish his to come back to life. But one Bhaalspawn is unaccounted for: Viekang, a nervous fellow who teleports unpredictably when you meet him in Trademeet during Shadows of Amn but has learned to control his powers by Throne of Bhaal. Seeing as how he is able to eventually kill Abdel Adrian and is killed himself (or maybe the other way around) and bring back Bhaal long after the events of the game series, it may be wise to get rid of him when you can to escape your destiny.

1. Irenicus — Shadows of Amn Chapter 7

Ah yes, the main villain of Shadows of Amn. From the very beginning, Irenicus demonstrates that he is a villain of a very different sort than Sarevok. Lacking Sarevok's political power, he relies on magic and cunning to win. While Sarevok has a death grip on the city of Baldur's Gate in his game, Irenicus finds himself at odds with the law more often than not and must rely on himself to win the day. He has very few minions other than Bodhi's vampires and thieves, relying on golems and his own will to accomplish his goals. Irenicus is the best villain in the series, and it's no wonder that the game where he's the main villain is the best in the series.

Superman & Lois: Jordan Kent Has a Problem

March 20, 2023

Spoilers for the Superman & Lois Season 3 Premiere & The Prior Two Seasons

In my personal opinion, the show Superman & Lois is the best Superman adaptation of all time. For context, I've watched the bulk of pretty much every other beloved Superman adaptation except for Smallville — Caville, Reeves, Ruth, DCAU, even Newbern. Now, I get it, the Arrowverse and the CW have a bad reputation, but first of all, while it shares a few actors, Superman & Lois is not a part of the Arrowverse. It was originally conceived as a spin-off of Supergirl, but as the Arrowverse began to fail, they cut out all references to the Arrowverse from the first season, and it was confirmed at the end of the second season that, other than this show's take on the Superman family and a version of Green Arrow that's implied to be deceased, there are no superheroes in this universe, at least not ones with superpowers. Second, while the CW's quality has been known for its inconsistency, Superman & Lois's cinematic style and brilliant writing means that it's a shining beacon of quality in the network's lineup.

The show begins with Superman/Clark Kent and Lois Lane moving to Smallville, Clark's hometown, with their two sons, Jonathan and Jordan. It's Jordan that I want to focus on in this article. Jordan is introduced as the problem child of the Kent family; his parents love him, but he's disconnected from them. And it's not just them; Jordan has Social Anxiety Disorder and has trouble making friends. He's the less likeable of the two brothers, by design, and of course it's him who gets the powers. While these powers make him feel weird and alien, they also give him a new sense of confidence. He joins the football  team, begins making friends, and, in season 2, starts up as an amateur superhero, which very deliberately reminds the viewer of Clark's amateur heroics in Smallville during the season 1 flashback episode.

But one aspect of the show I somewhat dislike is Jordan's relationship with Sarah Cortez, the daughter of an adult Lana Lang. In the series pilot, she flirts with Jordan and spends the day with him until he kisses her, leading her boyfriend (whom Jordan knew nothing about) to attack him. In episode 3, Sarah breaks up with said boyfriend, leading her to ask out Jordan out in episode 5, only to decide at the end of the episode to just remain friends. The rest of the season essentially sees Jordan trying desperately to escape the friend zone, most notably helping her with a talent show before suffering from the coldest cold ever. The pair finally get together in episode 11. In season 2, we find out that during the summer Sarah cheated on Jordan at summer camp. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?) She only tells Jordan about this due to the encouragement of the best character in the show, and this leads him to be conflicted, considering ending the relationship (quite reasonably) but by the next episode he not only chooses not to but also gives Sarah a meaningful gift and apologizes for considering breaking up with her. Oh, and in case you think you missed the part where she apologizes for cheating on him, she doesn't; somehow he comes out of the situation apologizing to her. And then, when her parents separate, who does Sarah go to? Aubrey, the girl she cheated on Jordan with. And then she insists that Jordan, her, and Aubrey hang out. The next episode, Jordan misses Sarah's mother winning the Smallville mayoral election to save his mother and a family friend from armed drug dealers, leading Sarah to break up with him for not putting her first. This leads Jordan to rebel against his parents to attempt to reveal that he has superpowers and that his father is Superman to Sarah, putting it into a letter she refuses to read. After Sarah learns about Jordan's secret, she finally apologizes for cheating on him, and they agree to start over as friends. Which brings us to the new season's pilot, where Sarah complains to Jordan that he's ignoring her, then goes on to say that she needs space; essentially, he has to continue being close friends with her despite his one-sided attraction.

If it isn't clear already, I think that this relationship is unhealthy. Jordan Kent's problem is Sarah Cortez, and in this article I'd like to call out Sarah's toxic behavior and how Jordan can take back power over his life.

Sarah is Toxic

From the very beginning of the show, Sarah has been manipulative. In the pilot, she did lead Jordan on while not mentioning her boyfriend when she probably should have. But hey, maybe she didn't quite realize Jordan had feelings for her, or was just being nice and didn't think he'd do anything. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. And yet, later on, after asking Jordan out, she strings him along until she's ready to go out with him, when he just drops everything to be with her. This behavior is a little bit manipulative, but she's only 15, so we can cut her some slack. I guess. No, in season 2 her behavior becomes very egregious. After cheating on Jordan, she uses it as a weapon against him, as an indication that she can bail out at any time, and somehow gets him apologizing to her. Were it not for the best character in the show, she wouldn't have even told Jordan about the infidelity.

  John Gottman, an award-winning psychologist at the University of Washington, has, in his work, outlined three stages to recovering from infidelity: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. According to Gottman's work, atonement means making things right; the betrayed partner needs to be able to voice their feelings freely, without the partner who cheated getting defensive or shutting them down. The unfaithful partner needs to be accountable and take full responsibility with humility. It means admitting wrongdoing and furthermore, realizing the severity of infidelity and the trauma that comes with that. So how do our teenagers handle this in Superman & Lois? Not well. Sarah fails to take accountability or even to apologize at a basic level. Whenever Jordan attempts to communicate his feelings of betrayal, she shuts him down and makes him apologize for not immediately forgiving her. And by the way, Jordan has no obligation whatsoever to take her back at all at this point.

Attunement means aligning to work together on forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness need not and should not be immediate, but at some point, the betrayed individual, for their own wellbeing, needs to forgive the betrayer. This does not necessarily mean staying with an unfaithful partner or pretending like the cheating never happened, but it does mean moving on emotionally to some extent. This phase also entails trying to fix the relationship that led to the cheating. Let's start with trust; Sarah keeps Aubrey, the girl she cheated on Jordan with, in her life, and meets with her without telling Jordan. That is not earning back trust; that is subverting Jordan's trust. While meeting with somebody usually isn't something a significant other necessarily has to be informed about, it is certainly something they should at least be aware of if you cheated on them with that person. Frankly, she should have cut contact with Aubrey entirely if she wanted to salvage her relationship with Jordan. And as for forgiveness, while Jordan tries to start forgiving her immediately, she stunts this process. Forgiving is about moving on, and to some extent, about working past the incident of betrayal and the reminders of it, and that's kind of hard to do when your significant other is forcing you to hang out with the person she cheated on you with. This prevents the characters from reaching a place of Attachment, the final stage.

One last crime against Sarah, in this pilot, is how she wants Jordan on standby for her; she chastises him from ignoring her, then says she needs space to keep him at arm's length, clearly still infatuated with her while unable to escape her grip or be with her. Jordan needs to get past this girl, and I plan on outlining how he needs go about it to reach a healthier place.

Step 1: Get Away

Jordan needs space from Sarah, and she needs to respect it. While he obsesses over her, there is no way for him to move on. Getting over a crush is hard, and that requires space and time. He needs to be away from her to work on who he is, and then maybe, just maybe they can be friends again. So far in Season 3, we've seen him attempt to ignore her, taking his first few steps toward a healthier place, though she does her best to reel him back in.

Step 2: Find Other Friends

Right now, Sarah has far more power over Jordan than she should. To him, she is both the only viable romantic option for him and his only social connection outside of his family. Jordan has Social Anxiety Disorder, which contributes to his difficulty in finding friends, something that gives Sarah much more control over his life than she should have. The only friends he seems to have during the series outside of his family are from football in Season 1, which he had to quit because of his powers. Also the program got dismantled because of the drug problems in Season 2. Anyway, before he even thinks about romance or love, he needs new friends. Jordan needs to find other people in the school he can relate to. Find some male friends to be in his corner when he needs them, or at the very least female friends that are off-limits romantically, at least initially. The point is to build a team, people who he can count on and who can count on him. This will take away the power Sarah had over his life and prevent anyone else from having that much power over him again. Trust is a healthy part of relationships, but one person should not be your only friend and romantic partner; that's giving them too much power and frankly, making yourself too much of a burden to them. Jordan hasn't exactly been stellar about this aspect of things, but it seems like with football he at least tried to find other friends.

Step 3: Invest in Interests

Jordan needs to get a life. It's harsh, but it's true. He needs to have activities, in addition to friends, that he could fall back on. It is unclear how religious the Kent family is in the show, but rediscovering religion can be a great outlet for people. Otherwise, hobbies and other activities can be a great way for Jordan to keep himself from needing a relationship. This step is actually going pretty well for Jordan; at the start of Season 3, he's training to be a superhero, though he may be biting off more than he can chew. Now, his dedication to superheroism is part of what led to Jordan's break-up with Sarah, but he did explain that it was a family emergency, and to blame him for leaving to attend to that, even without knowing all the details, is grossly unfair. To be clear, you can break up with someone at any time for any reason or for no reason at all; you just can't blame them for something that isn't their fault. Another thing I'd add with other hobbies is to make sure those hobbies are healthy and constructive.

Step 4: Find Other Girls

Once Jordan has regained control of his life, he needs to accept that there are other viable romantic options for him, ones that are better and less toxic. He needs to respect himself and have his own standards. Right now, Sarah has been his only romantic experience thus far in his life, and so to him romantic love is hard to separate from her. He needs to recognize that he has other options. He will no longer be waiting in the wings for Sarah to want him back, but will instead find someone who actually wants to be with him. Just because his time is taken up by superheroism does not mean that he can't have a romantic relationship; it only means he needs to find someone willing to be apart from him while he's doing his work, potentially someone just as busy as he is so that they come to the relationship on equal footing. This doesn't necessarily mean to enter another romantic relationship, just to accept that Sarah is not the only person he could every have such a relationship with. The problem is for him that in the show, the only named girls his age besides Sarah are the girl Sarah cheated on him with, his half-sister, his brother's ex-girlfriend in Metropolis, his brother's other ex-girlfriend who moved to Central City, and his brother's current girlfriend. Perhaps if they could write in some alternative love interest for him to Sarah, he could finally get over her.

Jordan Kent has a problem, but if he can get some distance from Sarah and work on himself, he can get to a healthier place in his life. And while this particular aspect of Superman & Lois might annoy me, it's still one of the best shows on television. Give it a watch if you haven't already, and let's see if Jordan makes any strides toward getting free of Sarah in tomorrow's episode.

Every Spider-Man: The Animated Series Arc Ranked

January 29, 2023

I grew up on The Spectacular Spider-Man, the show I believe to be without question the best Spider-Man TV show of all time and potentially the best superhero show of all time. And yet, before this masterpiece was Spider-Man: The Animated Series, which has perhaps had the biggest impact on the character in popular culture out of any other animated Spider-Man show. Spider-Man: The Animated Series, or STAS, as I'll call it from here on, was part of a series of television shows put out by Marvel in the 1990s that later came to be known as the Marvel Animated Universe due to its shared but admittedly contradictory continuity. This universe is best known for the legendary X-Men: The Animated Series, which had a crossover or two with STAS.

STAS was the product of one John Semper Jr. Though initially the show was supposed to be more episodic, Semper started to layer together the narrative into long, layered story arcs. Some were only two-part episodes, while some others were season-long stories. Gradually, the series became very, very good and told a complete Spider-Man story that allowed the wall-crawler to grow and change in a way he hadn't been able to outside of comics. There are some episodes, like the two Spider Slayer episodes in season 1, that are connected but aren't part of arcs, so they will not be counted. So let's rank these arcs and separate the good from the mediocre. Oh, and spoilers ahead.

9. Neogenic Nightmare

The Neogenic Nightmare story arc takes place over the course of STAS's second season. This arc begins with Spider-Man losing his powers right as the Insidious Six assembles. (The heavy censorship on the show prohibited them from calling it the Sinister Six.) The beginning of the season also develops Kingpin's rivalry with other crime bosses further and sets up the mutation theme of the season. Additionally, Hydro-Man, one of the shows greatest villains, is introduced as the terrifying stalker ex-boyfriend of Mary Jane Watson. Then there's a solid X-Men: The Animated Series crossover before things take a turn for the worse. Enter Morbius.

While Peter Park being bitten by a radioactive spider turns him into Spider-Man, Morbius's bite by a radioactive bat turns him into... Morbius. No copyright problems there! Meanwhile, there's a kind of stupid plotline where Spidey grows four extra arms, which is at its best when he has to hide his mutation from his loved ones but is still kind of dumb. Then Punisher and Kraven and Blade show up and they're fine. This middle part of the season has Morbius overstaying his welcome, which just makes the show a slog.

The end of the season picks up a bit, with Silvermane trying to regain his youth with the Tablet of Time, and while the plotline is a little silly, it has something to say about Silvermane's obsession with youth. Then the Vulture shows up, and they've radically changed him into a youth-stealer, which I didn't particularly care for. Still, the part where Kingpin's wife leaves him was emotionally effective. All said and done, I was kind of relieved when this whole mutation business was over with.

Also, the subplot with Flash Thompson and Deborah Whitman was sweet.

8. The Hobgoblin

The Hobgoblin arc is just a two-parter in season one. See, because of a typo, a Hobgoblin toy was made for the show instead of one for the Green Goblin, so Semper was forced to do a Hobgoblin story before the Green Goblin. But it worked well enough; the Hobgoblin came in as a wild card mercenary during the conflict between Norman Osborn and Wilson Fisk, while also fleshing out Wilson Fisk's public philanthropist face just a little bit more. By introducing the Hobgoblin early, the mystery of his identity was left to stew while Norman Osborn was well-established long before his turn to the Green Goblin. A solid pair of episodes with which to end season one. Well, other than that Chameleon episode with white Nick Fury.

7. Partners In Danger

The show's fourth season seemed focused on a character they had built up since the pilot: The Black Cat. But first, we have to get some amazing development for two of the show's greatest character. Robbie Robertson is an often-overlooked Spider-Man character that is done very well in this show. He serves more or less as Peter Parker's best friend, especially after Harry goes off the deep end, and is even best man and Peter's wedding. The premiere of this season is a follow-up to his episodes with Tombstone and sees the villain frame Robbie for a crime. But the highlight of the episode is J. Jonah Jameson going back to his reporting days to clear Robbie's name, showing Jameson's more heroic side and how fiercely loyal he is to his staff.

Then we get some Black Cat stuff, the highlight of which is probably the Captain America scene, accompanied by some nostalgic, patriotic music that would serve as Cap's theme for the rest of the show. This persists for more or less the rest of the season, until Morbius comes back and teams up with Blade and Black Cat. We get the return of some of Spider-Man's rogues gallery, including the Lizard (as King of the Sewers), the Green Goblin (as Harry Osborn), and Mysterio (in a fairly tragic turn of events). And then it ends with a fairly mediocre story involving the Prowler. This season is more unfocused than previous ones but gets points for giving some of the earlier villains chances to shine once again.

6. Six Forgotten Warriors

Superheroes more or less started by punching Nazis, and it's always good to see comic book adaptations returns to these patriotic, righteous roots. The story begins with Kingpin reassembling the Insidious Six and Spider-Man going off to Russia to investigate a conspiracy involving his parents. The way this plotline is handled is much better than in the Amazing Spider-Man films, by the way, and it also introduces some classic superheroes as a send-off to Golden Age comic books. It's genuinely inspiring when these old geezers get into costume, and while only a few of them get development, you can't help but feel a little patriotic when Captain America shows up. Black Marvel's story is extremely compelling as a black man who took the place of a white one and hid his race so that he could be a superhero in World War II. Yeah, this show is great. And then it ends by revealing Electro as the son of Red Skull and half-brother of Chameleon. The latter is a relation Kraven actually had in the comics, but Electro in this show makes for a menacing threat, especially because there's not really anything too interesting about the character in the comics.

5. Secret Wars

Unlike the DCAU, the Marvel Animated Universe didn't really have very many big team-ups or crossovers. But we did get something close to it: STAS's Secret Wars arc adapts the comic of the same name, and brings in the Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Captain America, Black Cat, and one-eighth of the X-Men to fight Doctor Octopus, Red Skull, Alistair Smythe, and Doctor Doom. This arc feels like a grand finale for the universe, a massive team-up that did its best to explore its principle cast. Spider-Man tries to get with Black Cat on the rebound but she's feeling the hots for Captain America; The Fantastic Four end up locked in an emotional battle of philosophy with Doctor Doom; and then Black Cat goes back to hunt vampires with Morbius and Blade and probably star in a young adult fiction series with all of these love triangles and vampires.

4.  The Alien Costume

Ironic, isn't it, that the show to separate Venom from the Secret Wars storyline more or less permanently was also the only one to adapt Secret Wars? This arc became the template for the Spider-Man venom storyline from this point forward, from Spider-Man 3 to The Spectacular Spider-Man. This storyline is foreshadowed in the show's intro and really dives deep into this angry version of the Spider-Man character, while also doing the best Venom adaptation of all time. Yeah, I said it; this version of Eddy Brock is well established to hate Peter Parker and Spider-Man and uses his knowledge of Spider-Man's secret identity to mess with him in legitimately terrifying ways. This feels like the story that began to define this show as an improvement from the comics in many ways and it truly deserves a spot at number 4.

3. The Return of Hydro-Man

Hey kids, you all ready for some TRAUMA? Because now that Mary Jane is back and she and Peter have gotten married, it's time for their honeymoon, in which M.J.'s old stalker Hydro Man comes back, and they must try to figure out how Mary Jane came back from that portal dimension. But, of course, in the second part of this story, we learn that both Hydro Man and Mary Jane are clones created by Doctor Miles Warren, and unstable ones at that. We watch as Hydro Man evaporates, and then the Mary Jane clone spends the last few moments of her life with her husband. In the most heart-breaking scene in animation history (including that one in the first part of the Mystery Incorporated finale), Mary Jane says the following: "Before I go, I want you to know just one thing. If any part of me is anything like the real Mary Jane Watson, she loves Peter Parker more than anything in the world. More than anything." Peter then lets out a scream as Mary Jane evaporates.

Yeah, this is just a clone, and the "real" Mary Jane is out there still. But this is the Mary Jane Peter revealed his identity to, the he married, the one who helped him through learning the truth about his parents. He knows this Mary Jane and is more in love with her than he was with the original. He's lost his wife and suffered more than any other Spider-Man outside of the comics. Yeah, man, it hurts.

2. Sins of the Fathers

Okay, time to back up. Season 3 was a masterpiece of storytelling, through and through. The first episode introduces Doctor Strange, a character Spider-Man has a friendship with in the comics, and presents a shockingly realistic look at a cult when Mary Jane comes under the influence of Baron Mordo. This sets the stage for the theme of fathers in the series, starting with Mary Jane's neglectful father. The next two episodes break from this with a heart-breaking adaptation of "The Kid Who Collects Spider-Man". This pair of episodes sees Spider-Man finally recognized for his work by working class cab drivers who come together to save him when he has amnesia. But more importantly, it sees Tainia, Spider-Man's biggest fan, as she learns all about her hero (including his secret identity). Then, in the final scene, the sign outside the building she's in hits you like the Rhino: "Wish Come True Foundation For Terminally Ill Children". That story melted my tin man heart. Additionally, this arc sees one of the most hated versions of Spider-Man get some much-needed recognition for his good deeds.

But the season's just getting started, because following this is the introduction of the Green Goblin, the main villain for the season who highlights the relationship between Norman Osborn and Harry Osborn. Then Rocket Racer and the Big Wheel show up. Okay, they can't all be bangers. But then we get to the Daredevil episodes, and the show really starts crushing it. Daredevil's backstory with the Kingpin was a perfect way to introduce his team-up with Spider-Man, and the story highlights the relationship between Daredevil and his father as well as Kingpin and his, giving us what is widely considered the best ever backstory for the Kingpin of Crime and the one that most influenced the Daredevil Netflix show. These episodes also have Kingpin's relationship with his son mirroring that of the one with his father. Then Tombstone shows up, giving the spotlight to Robbie Robertson's relationship with his son Rand, telling a heartbreaking story of how someone can turn to crime so easily. But in the end, Rand faces the consequences of his actions, and the story ends hopefully.

Now, Venom shows up again, and then Iron Man and Spider-Man team-up. Eddy Brock gets redeemed, Cletus Cassidy is completely nuts, and we end with a heroic sacrifice. And then the Spot shows up and is a fairly interesting villain. Then, the final two episodes end the season strong; the Hobgoblin's identity is revealed, and he battles with the Green Goblin for supremacy. Then, in the finale, the Green Goblin throws Mary Jane off of a bridge and into a portal to outside of reality, where she is arguably never seen again. But Spider-Man refuses to kill the Goblin, and in the end, he meets the same fate as Mary Jane. This was the show's adaptation of the Death of Gwen Stacy, and the only ever adaptation of the storyline outside of The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

But what made this season so great was its thematic focus on father-child relationships: Mary Jane and her father, Norman and Harry Osborn, Wilson Fisk and his father, Wilson Fisk and his son, Daredevil, and his father, and finally a good father leading his son down the right path: Robbie Robertson, with his son Rand. This was the peak of the show. Almost. Because we still have one more arc to cover, and this one includes the best Stan Lee cameo of all time:

1. Spider Wars

The final season of STAS is really special. It begins with an amazing Wedding Episode that brings a bunch of different plotlines together, then takes its protagonist on a globe-trotting adventure, paying homage to the Golden Age of Comics while uncovering more details about his own past. He suffers great tragedy but then moves on, coming together with a bunch of different heroes with galactic stakes. But while the ending establishes even higher stakes, it also ends on a more personal note. While Secret Wars was a big Marvel crossover, Spider Wars is about the star of the show himself.

Throughout the episodes, Peter must battle with and evil version of himself from an alternate universe. To do so, he leads a new team of Spider-Men in a storyline that would later serve as inspiration for the widely influential Spiderverse saga in the comics. Each of these alternate Spider-Men have an essential narrative purpose. Well, other than the one with the Doc-Ock arms.

The six-armed Spidey contributes to this arc's focus not only on Spider-Man, but on this show's Spider-Man, and the journey he's been on. He is literally confronting his past self, portraying how much he has grown. Ben O'Reily gives us a follow-up to the Return of Hydro-Man storyline when we see an underdog Spider-Man fighting against his evil clone. And the armored Spider-Man shows what would happen if Peter's uncle hadn't died, and he'd used his powers for personal gain; he'd still be a hero, but a much less admirable one.

Throughout this episode, the Kingpins of more than one universe manipulate Spider-Carnage to their own ends. It's a fitting way to include the show's main villain in the finale, and shows that the Kingpin's power and corruption can be more powerful than any supervillain. Spider-Carnage is defeated when he finally meets Uncle Ben. It's a fitting way to end the series, even if it is really dark how he literally commits suicide. Still, it's heartwarming to see Peter finale be re-united with Uncle Ben.

But now let's talk about the Spider-Man who is but an actor playing a fictional character in his universe, possibly an allusion to Christopher Daniel Barnes, who played Spider-Man in this show, or Nicholas Hammond, who filled the role in the 70s live-action show. On his own, this one shows us how even without powers, Spider-Man's heroic nature would cause him to try to save the day, a point previously exemplified during his first battle with the Insidious Six way back in Season 2. But later, Spider-Man is taken back to the actor's dimension, where he meets one of Spider-Man's creators: Stan Lee. The two swing around the city, and Spider-Man reveals that he's finally liking his life. Stan Lee notes how different this more fulfilled, developed, and matured Spider-Man is from his comics counterpart.

Then, Madame Web shows up and tells Spider-Man that they're going to find the real Mary Jane, saying that he she thinks he is finally entitled to some happiness. Though both Spider-Man Unlimited and a script Semper wrote for an additional episode state that Peter would find Mary Jane, in the show itself, it's left open to interpretation, and I'm fine with that. It's the perfect way of ending the series; not a happy ending, but a chance at one, a destination that celebrates the journey. This miserable, tortured Spider-Man does deserve some happiness, and even if he might not find it. Like is imperfect, messy, and often quite miserable, but if you keep living it, keep getting out of bed in the morning to face the day ahead of you, you might just find happiness. Spider-Man: The Animated Series taught me that.

Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind: Changes from the Original Script

December 4, 2022

Warning: this article contains content that may be mildly unsuitable for children. The kind of thing you might see referenced in a PG-13 movie on the heavier end or an R-rated film on the lighter end. There was a fair amount of sex stuff in the original show... Anyway, those parts are more amusing if you know me and read them in my voice.

Well, I hinted toward an article like this previously, so let's do this. Let's review the changes made in the BVHS performance of Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind from the original script.

The Format Was Toned Down

The original play had limited seats, randomly rolled admission, a person at the front to intentionally hear your name incorrectly (which you will have to wear on a nametag all night), a menu with a list of all thirty plays given to each audience member, and a pizza ordered if the show sells out. I mean, that last one's not really applicable, because it would require a 5th hour show to sell out. It would also require unnecessary repetition, as there was a similar plot point in Love for Three Oranges. Other than that, the lighting setup was a change from the original, probably the biggest tone-up of the original.

Title, 30 Second Tag, Building, Macbeth, The Art of Acting, Service With a Smile, Bad Review, Guilty, This Play Does Not Exist, We Are All Individuals, Blind Date, Honestly, Cyrano, Hair Director, Genre Play #6: Horror, Early Capitalism,  and A Fissure in the Fabric of Time were virtually the same as the original production

Many plays were kept relatively similar to the original production's script and have no notable changes.

Every Time A Bell Rings an Angel Gets to Salivate became more appropriate and more insulting

As I recall, this play in performance had a more aggressive speaker who shoed others offstage during the show. The line "Ladies and gentleman, your last orgasm" was removed, for obvious reasons. There's a note at the end that reads: "Note: This play can be adjusted and performed for either gender. If the idea of Sarah Palin as President does not remain horrifying in the future, another hideous option can be used." Both changes were made; Myah Dobbins is, last I checked, female, and I was that hideous option as President of the United States. Thanks, Myah, thanks.

I got off easy in Manifest Destiny

The original version of Manifest Destiny had people do embarrassing actions for a dollar, but the version in the show had a far more valuable prize: theater trading cards. While the free card and the "Bark Like a Dog" card were left in place, the remaining three (yes, three, not two) would have had the audience member have to show the audience their belly button, kiss the performer, and strip naked on stage. I got off easy.

Writing as it is Being Written was longer

Writing as it is Being Written originally contained more ideas of the activities its writer could be partaking in: on a beach, in the bath, while receiving a blowjob, etc.

These Things Are True is Changed to be Truer

The original version of this play revealed the following about the actors: the age of virginity loss, the method of killing fourteen rats, the time of maternal arrest, the snorting of multicolored candy, the reason for personal arrest, injury against a sibling at a young age, something with spaghetti and vomit, the amount of clothes worn while parasailing (none), the purchase of cosmetic surgery, violence against roosters, drugs to avoid work, cancer, leg injuries, the "pathetic table" incident, Junior year stylistic choices, the second-worst experience anyone has ever had with Easy Mac, the viewership of self-pleasure among trees, beard length, the result of their use of slurs toward a German girl, the experiments and exchange of chemicals that took place at a science fair (anonymously), theft due to maternal manipulation, work with famous actors, the number of women slept with in one night (two), the shaking of a child, familial suicide attempt in which emergency services were involved, method of self-defense as it pertains to bullying, the object in which the individual stuck his penis, and the individual's voting record. The note at the end encourages building the actors' own version of this play.

Mutual Changed "F*ck you" to "Drop Dead".

Not really much to elaborate on...

How to War proved how much we hate freshmen

Originally in How to War, the instructions read to think of your enemy as child molesters, which was changed to freshman in the performance.

So, there we go, those are the changes I noticed between the original script and the high school performance. I hope you enjoyed.

Fan Casting Batman Using Juniors in Theater

October 31, 2022

After my previous fan cast was received with... a mixed reception, I figured I'd do another one. More Juniors in theater, but this time: Batman, because who better for Halloween? Which Junior in theater would I cast for each role in a Batman story. For reasons. I don't know, I'm out of ideas. So, here you go, here's my absurd fan cast of Batman. Also, there is no Joker. I'm sorry, but there was no way to have a well-cast Joker in this thing.

Bruce Wayne/Batman

Let's start with the hardest one to get right: the main character. The obvious answer is Owen Unrein for a more leading man energy. But no, I have different plans for Unrein, which I will get to later. Henry Monahan was another early consideration, but I could only really see him as a younger, more enthusiastic Batman like we see in Batman Begins. No, I'm thinking someone who can command respect as Bruce Wayne first, like Kevin Conroy or maybe Adam West. Drum roll please, because my choice of casting for the Caped Crusader is... Harrison Jones. Welcome to MY Gotham.

If memory serves, Jones played a delightfully malicious Rumpelstiltskin in Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon, but he is probably better used in an intense and tortured role. And anyone who has seen Batman: Mask of the Phantasm will know that Wayne needs a dramatic actor to capture the feeling of Conroy (and Keaton, to a lesser extent). And to be perfectly honest, Jones could pull it off. Probably. Yeah, I'm confident about this casting. Definitely.

Alfred Pennyworth

Alfred Pennyworth is the best DC character. I'll say it. This British spy-turned butler needs to feel stiff but active, as if he could beat you up and then dust off his jacket and prepare tea and crumpets. So getting him right is both hard and easy; it's never particularly done poorly, but when it's done well, it is done well. So who can we give this role? Grant Kozisek. Easy. He could nail the emotional side that the character while also bringing a lighter and more comedic element to the character.

Dick Grayson/Robin

It's been too long, guys. There have been no significant Robins in the past three live action Batman iterations; we got minor Robin easter eggs in The Dark Knight Rises and Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, but nothing else. Anyway, enough is enough, and Batman needs his Dick. And I think the answer to this question, from the relatively limited pool of actors this fan cast is drawing upon, is Henry Monahan.

Originally, I had Monahan in mind for the Joker, but after my original Robin had to be put in a different role, I'm left with Monahan, who I think I could bring the intensity of Dick while also bringing out a lighter and more hopeful side of Jones's Bruce. Or maybe not.

Barbara Gordon/Batgirl

We need someone with the stubborn, get it done energy that Barbara Gordon has who could also pull of a more emotional side. Sammy Robertson. Easy.

Jim Gordon

Let's see, I want to play a tortured police officer maintaining his sanity while facing the madness of a stressful case who comforts a traumatized child and can deliver true terror while always staying true to his morals. Yeah, it's Jackson Liekhus. Do I need to explain this one? I really hope I don't. And maybe next time I won't cast Liekhus in a role previously played by J.K. Simmons. No promises. Alright, time for the villains.

Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow

Okay, so it was really hard to cast anyone as my favorite Batman villain. But let's face it: it really is the only casting option for Nick Hays. I mean, there are other options (like Robin), but come on, Nick would bring a fun but malicious energy to the master of fear that I think would work well; as Crane, he wouldn't be too physically imposing but would also seem like someone who would be an easy punching bag. Plus, he physically resembles the DCAU Crane, and 90% of the time, if the DCAU has a character, that's the best version of a character. (That includes Batman and the Joker, but the exceptions I would highlight are Riddler, Bane, and Wonder Woman.)

Edward Nigma/Riddler

Cy Conaway. While I considered Conaway for Scarecrow and think he could do a good job with it, it is the Riddler that Cy would best be cast as. While previous adaptations had an anonymous man either become a deranged, over the top supervillain or a violent but anonymous killer, I see Riddler as a broken man who became a crime boss, one who weaves an intricate plot to trap the Batman, a Moriarty to Batman's Holmes.

Jervis Tetch/The Mad Hatter

The Batman wiki lists fifteen characters as members of Batman's main rogues' gallery. Out of these, eight have been the main antagonist or protagonist of a live-action movie: Bane with The Dark Knight Rises; Catwoman with Catwoman; Harley Quinn with Birds of Prey (no you don't get the full title); The Joker with Batman, The Dark Knight, and Joker; the Penguin with Batman: The Movie and Batman Returns; Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin; Ra's al Ghul in Batman Begins; and the Riddler in Batman Forever and The Batman. Four more of these characters (plus all out of the previous list except for Poison Ivy) have appeared as supporting characters or secondary villains: Killer Croc in Suicide Squad; Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin; Scarecrow in Batman Begins; and Two-Face in Batman Forever and The Dark Knight. That leaves only three villains who have never had a live action movie adaptation, two of which at the very least had cameos in The Lego Batman Movie: Clayface and Man-Bat. But you know who's always gotten the short end of the stick? The Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter had mind control. He is a strange combination of the Joker and Scarecrow that I think is a good psychological test for Batman. And for this character we need someone who can play it odd; not an overly crazy Joker, but a character who seems just a little bit off, taking a little to much glee out of life. While I'd previously considered him for the Penguin, Bennett Calvert is the Mad Hatter, a character whose positive energy could really only be applied to this villain.

Harvey Dent/Two-Face

We need someone who can play an optimistic crusader for justice, a tired and worn-out district attorney, and a man hiding the deeply angry Big Bad Harv underneath. We need Owen Unrein. While I think he could bring in the energy of the Aaron Eckhart, I also think we could play around with the deeper, more psychologically disturbed version of the character from, say it with me, the DCAU. In a lot of ways, this is Batman's most personal villain, and Unrein could show that off.

Selina Kyle/Catwoman

We need someone for this role who could play it mean and active, and frankly, Sara Schumacher could pull it off. Maybe it's unwise to let another Schumacher near the Batman franchise, but hey, this is a fan cast, and I think it would work. We're going for a Catwoman that is actually a Batman villain, maybe not entirely villainous, but also not just a hero throughout most of the film. That really hasn't happened since Batman Returns.

Carla Viti

Okay, this isn't exactly the most significant character. Look, I needed a role for Madison Brown, and I needed a crime boss, and frankly, while I've always loved Rupert Thorne as Batman's Kingpin and seem Arnold Stromwell as a fascinating character, and Carmine Falcone is occasionally interesting while Maroni is... kind of boring, I think the use of Falcone's sister, Carla Viti in the space we need anyway might be interesting. But aside from the necessities story, why did I cast Brown in the role of a mob boss instead of Poison Ivy, Renee Montoya, or Harey Quinn? Brown could command the respect necessary to be an interesting crime boss, especially as a rival to Edward Nigma. Sure, perhaps Poison Ivy would have been a more obvious choice, but the obvious choice is rarely the fun one.

The Story

Alright, we've got the basic characters in place, now we need a good Batman story to put them all together. The story would begin with an established dynamic duo, and the first half of the story would see a number of story arcs. After her brother's arrest, Carla Viti is trying to take her throne as the new Queen of Crime. There are, however, three threats (identified by an associate, Edward Nigma) she needs to get rid of first: the crime-fighting vigilante Batman, the incorruptible District Attorney Harvey Dent, and the current police commissioner, Jim Gordon. To eliminate these threats, Viti hires out Jonathan Crane, who takes on the role of the mercenary known as Scarecrow, one who uses fear and intellect as a weapon, one referred to Viti anonymously, as well as Catwoman, whom Viti offered a job after catching her trying to rob one of her mob banks, on faulty information from a contact that it would be deserted with low security on this particular evening. Catwoman is sent to get Harvey Dent's guard down and kidnap him while Scarecrow, assisted by his chemist, Jervis Tetch, invades Gordon's home and takes him to Viti.

However, two things work in our heroes' favor. Both Batman and Barbara Gordon, Jim's daughter, receive an anonymous tip cluing them into Carla Viti's headquarters. As the midpoint approaches, Barbara takes on the mantle of Batgirl to defeat the Scarecrow and save her father as Batman and Robin go after Dent. Catwoman turns on Viti, tying her up before leaving. Suddenly, a figure in the distance triggers and explosion in Viti's headquarters. Batman, Robin, and Viti escape, but Dent is seemingly lost in the blast. Viti is arrested and Dent emerges from the rubble with half of his face burned off. Meanwhile, Crane is also arrested and taken to Blackgate.

Edward Nigma now steps forward to lead Falcone's criminal empire and begins to put his plan into action. He hires Jervis Tetch to create a form of the Scarecrow gas for mental control. Under Nigma's instructions, Tetch goes to the corrupt mayor Hamilton Hill. This is a minor part, but we'll cast Austin Casey for the role. Anyway, Tetch delivers the message that under the new leadership, Hill's bribes will be cut off. Hill is initially angry, saying that he will stop turning a blind eye to the Falcone family, or the Viti family, or the Nigma family, or whatever they're calling it at this point. Tetch uses the toxin to weaken and control Hill's mind, however, and "convinces" him to no only turn a blind eye, but to do more. Hill goes on television and signs the Forgiving Gotham Act, one that allows hundreds of inmates at Blackgate Prison to be released, their sentences reduced. This allows Nigma to gain much of the power the crime family lost when so many of their number were arrested alongside Falcone.

A vengeful Harvey Dent, disillusioned with corruption and evil, begins robbing Nigma's banks and murdering his associates, using a coin to decide his actions. He attacks the corrupt mayor Hamilton Hill, and Batman, Robin, and Batgirl arrive, teaming up to try and fail to stop Two-Face. Two-Face kills Hill and shoots Batman in the side, blaming the caped crusader for his accident, and gets away.

Batman follows Two-Face to Selina Kyle, who he decides to spare after the coin lands good sides up. He then runs from the dark knight. Batman questions Catwoman, who reveals that Edward Nigma, the crime boss known as the Riddler, had hired her to betray Viti. Explaining to his sidekick, Batman reasons that Nigma must have wanted control of the Falcone family for a while now. He must have told Catwoman that the bank would have been an easy target the day she tried to rob it; either the thief who had been draining the family's wealth would be taken care of or he'd have Selina as an asset, who he then payed off to betray Viti. He had offered Batman and Barbara the anonymous tip on Viti's headquarters.

Nigma, meanwhile, instructs Jervis, as the Mad Hatter, to attack the police department, because to take down Batman, he doesn't want Batman. He wants Batgirl. With her father in danger, Barbara takes on the mantle of Batgirl once again to save him, but has her mind seized by the Hatter and is taken to Nigma's lair. Nigma sends Batman a riddle as to his location, where Batgirl is being kept. Gordon triggers the bat signal, desperate for his daughter to be rescued. Batman and Robin show up, but so to do Two-Face and Catwoman. Gordon explains that he had found out that Batgirl was his daughter, Barbara, and needs her rescued. Harvey doesn't want an innocent girl to die but also wants his revenge on Batman. He leaves the choice up to the coin, which decides for him: he'll help Batman.

The climax sees the police close in on Nigma's ingenious operation as he and his goons face off against Gordon, Batman, Robin, Catwoman, and Two-Face, along with Batgirl after she is freed. In the end, Harvey flips a coin, which decides for him: He does not kill the Riddler, but does off himself, though Batman notes that the coin had actually landed with the good face up; Two-Face had made the choice himself. Batman decides to turn a blind eye and let Catwoman escape, while Riddler and Mad Hatter are arrested. Batman, Batgirl, and Robin go off into the night as heroes to take down a new villain: Condiment King, played by Brodhi McMillian. Because why not?

Anyway, there you go, the story was just an outline on how to get all of these characters together. Alfred wasn't mentioned frequently, but would be a major part of the story regardless in the in-between times.

How to Watch the MCU

September 26, 2022

The MCU is a sprawling, expansive media franchise that can be hard to get into for a newbie. But if you want to start watching Marvel movies but don't want to have to dig through hundreds of hours of content, consider this your comprehensive guide.

The Movies Come First

Before shorts, before television shows, and before tie-in comics, the Marvel Cinematic Universe's most important feature is its movies. If you have watched every MCU movie as I have, you will have a firm foundation for nearly any event that occurs in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The Big Three

To understand the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there are three films you have to watch if you haven't seen them already: Marvel's The Avengers, Avengers: Infinity War, and Avengers: Endgame. These are the core pillars of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and each film contains events of cosmic importance to the MCU.

Other Generally Important Movies

The most important solo movies to the foundation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe are the Captain America movies, each of the trilogy being more important (and generally considered better): Captain America: the First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and Captain America: Civil War. Other than that, watching the first Iron Man is good because it's both among the best of the MCU movies and because it's the first.

Context Movies

Once you've watched the Big Three and the important movies, you need to know that every MCU product these days is built upon another one to watch for context. Generally, these movies are ones already covered above, but if you want to watch the newer movies and shows without finishing everything else first, catch up in previous installments (i.e. watch Doctor Strange before Multiverse of Madness) if there are any. For many of the shows especially, there will be some properties to catch up on that you may not expect. Here are some examples of recent media and what you need to watch prior to them, excluding the obvious previous installments in the franchise and important foundational movies mentioned above.

Spider-Man: No Way Home — Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness — WandaVision

WandaVision, Hawkeye — Age of Ultron

Loki — Thor

She-Hulk — The Incredible Hulk

The Shows

If you think you've seen enough of the movies, you may want to start on the shows. The Disney+ shows (WandaVision, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Loki, Hawkeye, Moon Knight, Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk) are the most interconnected of the shows and thus the most important. Next come shows that started close to the movies and gradually diverged (Agents of Shield, Agent Carter) and the Netflix Defenders Saga, which includes some big characters and is considered quite good most of the time (Jessica Jones, Daredevil, Luke Cage, Iron Fist, the Punisher, the Defenders). And then there are the, um, completionist shows, the ones you can technically subject yourself to (Inhumans, Cloak & Dagger, the Runaways). Anyway, watch the shows if you want, but they're usually fairly optional. And the shorts are extra optional.

Recommendations

So, you've watched the core movies, and you want to know what the best of the other movies are. Well, out of the 29 MCU movies, I consider 19 of them good (as opposed to okay, mediocre or bad) and the top nine of those the MCU masterpieces. These nine are, in ascending order, Thor: Rangnarok, Spider-Man: No Way Home, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Ant-Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, Spider-Man: Far From Home, Iron Man, Avengers: Endgame, and Avengers Infinity War.

Conclusion

Getting through Marvel is a gradual process. If you're a completionist, you'll be sorting through some pretty thick manure. But in the end, your journey through this massive cinematic universe should be driven by what shows and movies you want to watch, the characters you want to know more about. Hopefully this roadmap will help you get started and not feel so lost among the media sea of this massive franchise. Or, you know, you can just watch all 29 movies in order.

My Plan for the New DCEU

So, DC is rethinking its universe. Again. Now, I know they vowed to focus on Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman, but I think I have an alternate strategy that could be a roadmap to success. So, here are the DCEU movies I think should make up a new phase of the DCEU. And all of these are real characters, by the way.

Retired Man

Retired Man first appeared as a joke character in the first-ever live action Justice League, who appeared (and included Adam West's Batman and Burt Ward's Robin) in the 1979 TV special Legends of the Superheroes. While I initially had Ghetto Man lined up for this slot, looking back, I think he's a character who we can allow to stay buried. (Even though he's technically canon to the DCEU multiverse after both Burt Ward's Robin and Ezra Miller's Flash appeared in the Arrowverse's Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover.) Anyway, in his day, Retired Man was a superhero known as the Scarlet Cyclone (powers unclear), but has since, well, retired.

Here's how we play this character: make him a (potentially dementia-ridden) man who was once a powerful superhero but isn't the man he used to be. Even still, he has to come out of retirement to face his immortal foe, previously thought dead: Vandal Savage. Retired Man's powers may be similar to Red Tornado's; in fact, Retired Man could be either Red Tornado or a mentor figure to Red Tornado, whom the latter looks up to.

Kandor

The Marvel Cinematic Universe, though comprised entirely of superhero films, has ventured into various genres: war movie with Captain America: The First Avenger, spy thriller with Captain America: The Winter Soldier, heist with Ant-Man, extreme comedy with Guardians of the Galaxy, Christmas special with Hawkeye, law show with She-Hulk, etc. But until they approve the Wong-central Rom-Com Wong-Com for Disney+, DC has prime opportunity to get into this market.

Therefore, I propose a Rom-Com set in the bottled city of Kandor. Kandor was a city on Krypton that was shrunken down and placed in a bottle by the intergalactic supervillain Braniac (who will appear in a later film) shortly before the planet's destruction. During his first fight with Braniac, Superman returns each of the cities he has bottled to their home planets except for Kandor, whose home planet is destroyed. Therefore, Superman keeps Kandor in the Fortress of Solitude.

This story would follow heiress Sylvia DeWitt, who, after finding herself accidentally sucked into the city of Kandor, finds herself falling in love with the Kryptonian Van-Zee, a resident of the bottled city. She learns to love her new home and gets a happy ending. Use all of the Rom-Com tropes.

Bat-Mite vs. Mr. Mxyzptlk: Dawn of Mischief

Okay, so Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was controversial. But lesser known than the two heroes are Bat-Mite and Mr. Mxyzptlk, a pair of imps from the 5th Dimension. Both have cosmic power but no particularly nefarious intentions. No, they have chosen to be more figures of annoyance than evil. Bat-Mite chose to be a superfan of Batman's, becoming a nuisance who occasionally gets in the Dark Knight's way. Mr. Mxyzptlk, by contrast, loves irritating Superman and testing his powers. He has occasionally appeared in less humorous stories, but this is not common.

The story would follow the course of the comic Superman and Batman: World's Funnest. We'd begin with Bat-Mite and show his fandom of Batman throughout the character's film & television history. Meanwhile, Mr. Mxyzptlk schemes up new ways to annoy Superman. They both enter the current continuity to fanboy and annoy (respectively) Batman and Superman (Also respectively), only to get into a heated argument and tear a hole in reality battling each other, leading them back in time to the Adam West Batman continuity. They continue their battles, tearing holes in the DC multiverse as they move between continuities in their battle. Meanwhile, their fight brings them into contact with other inhabitants of DC's 5th Dimension: Ms. Gsptlsnz, Mr. Mxyzptlk's girlfriend; Mopee, Qwsp, Shaggy, and Zook, the imps of Flash, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter respectively; and Nosyarg Kcid, Robin's biggest fan and Bat-Mite's sidekick.

When Darkseid's biggest fan, Impseid, takes advantage of the holes in the multiverse to try to establish Darkseid's rule over existence, Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite set aside their differences to assemble Mopee, Qwsp, Shaggy, Zook, and Nosyarg Kid into the Mischief League to stop him. I expect animated segments and good time galore.

Mogo

Mogo the Living Planet has been a part of the Green Lantern corps for years, helping guide power rings to various individuals with strong willpower. However, the years have made him vulnerable. The supercharged power ring that once gave him power has lost almost all of its energy, and to make matters worse, the Yellow Lantern Sinestro has hired the intergalactic bounty hunter Bolphunga to destroy Mogo. Because the Green Lanterns are at war with the Yellow Lanterns, they can only spare the weakest of their roster to defend Mogo: Ch'p, the super-intelligent cosmic squirrel; the rock-like Chaselon; the symbiotic extra-terrestrial worm Larvox; Perdoo, the fearless chicken-man; and the insect-like Xax II. They are joined by an avatar of Mogo that he used what's left of his ring's power to conjure. The group has to get down through Mogo's caves to his core to replenish the power ring within before Bolphunga can destroy it, all while Mogo learns to work with others after many years of solitude.

The Legion of Substitute Heroes

It's the 31st century. What was the Justice League has become the Legion of Superheroes. They are led by Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, and Cosmic Boy, and are able to end world-threatening disasters. Yet not every super is considered useful enough to join the Legion full-time. Polar Boy, Fire Lad, Chlorophyll Kid, Stone Boy, and Night Girl have the powers of cold, plant-growth, turning into an immobile stone statue, and super strength (but only at night), respectively. Rejected by the main Legion, they must nonetheless come together as the Legion of Substitute Heroes to face off against Braniac, an old adversary of Superman's (see the Kandor section) who has managed to imprison the Legion of Superheroes.

So yeah, that's what they should do for their first phase. Maybe in the future I'll do a phase 2 that may introduce Calendar Man, the Justice League Queer, the Question, Friendly Fire, and/or Detective Chimp, some of which almost made the cut this time around. The Legion of Substitute Heroes may likewise see a new member in the form of Arm Fall-Off Boy. This, in my opinion, is how DC moves forward: their more obscure superheroes at the forefront.

Daredevil Show Main Villains Ranked

People love Marvel's Daredevil, right? The show, not the movie. While the end of season 2 can drag, the show is mostly great throughout, with season 3 being amazing. A great cast and great characters, this show really shines with some great villains. Generally, I'll be ranking the show's central villains, and some more anti-hero, anti-villain, and minor villain characters will be excluded, but I'll talk about them in my Honorable Mentions. Also, spoilers for the show. Most are fairly minor, though I will make a note when there are more major show spoilers.

9. Vladimir & Anatoly Ranskahov & The Russian Mafia

It speaks to how great this show is that even their weakest villain faction is a fairly good one, so let's start with the good news. Vladimir & Anatoly have a decent backstory, though I had to go back and look at it because in that episode on Disney+ you had to turn the subtitles off to see Russian and Spanish subtitles. They are intimidating villains throughout their run, but they overstay their welcome. Episodes 4 - 6 are more or less dedicated to the Russians, and Season 1, especially the early episodes, had pacing problems. So this group got too much attention in the show in general, making them the weakest of Daredevil's main villains.

8. The Irish Mafia

The main villains of the early part of Season 2, the Irish Mafia gets points for being terrifying for much of Season 2 and bringing out the best Punisher action. The only one of the three factions involved in the shootout in Central Park to have a major role in the show, the Irish make decent pre-Hand villains in the season. The main problem with this faction is a lack of defined leadership; while the other criminal organizations associated with a nationality have one or two clearly defined leaders, the Irish lack a consistent face, which diminishes their role as villains. They get points for their involvement in killing Daredevil's father, giving him a personal connection even if this is never followed up on.

7. Nobu Yoshioka & The Yakuza

Major Spoilers for Seasons 1 & 2

Look, I get it. The ninja stuff in Season 2 goes on too long. But Nobu is a legitimately threatening villain. The actor commands respect, and Nobu is awesome. While his Season 1 death puts into question Matt Murdock's assertion that he doesn't kill people, his Season 1 appearances as the leader of the Yakuza is the best-paced of the season. He didn't overstay his welcome like the Russians and he wasn't underutilized like Madame Gao. The Hand in Season 2 just felt like set-up for The Defenders, but Nobu thankfully didn't appear until late in the season. His minimal screen time made him a scary villain. That said, when the main boss of the second season was a miniboss in Season 1, it's kind of a letdown.

6. The Blacksmith

Major Spoilers for Season 2

The mystery of the Blacksmith is a big part of Season 2, and the figure of Ray Schoonover is an interesting one, and despite his limited screen time, he makes good use of it. Though he's not the most intimidating villain on the list, I think he's a good villain for the Punisher plotline during the back half of the season once the Irish are gone. His early appearance does a good job of subtly putting him into the show.

5. James Wesley

Major Spoilers for Season 1

In Wilson Fisk's effort to rebuild Hell's Kitchen, James Wesley brings together different factions and supports Fisk throughout the show. He is a legitimately threatening and adds an air of mystery to Fisk. Yet I don't think they build up his friendship with Fisk enough until after his death, which makes his death very shocking but not particularly impactful. Still, the show has always been good at the It makes sense that this would happen but you didn't think we'd go there sort of moment, like when Karen shot Wesley or Fisk killed Ben.

4. Leland Owlsley

Daredevil is notable for turning supervillains into realistic characters, like they did with Bullseye and Gladiator. They did something similar with The Owl, who is turned into the accountant Leland Owlsley. Look, you may think that there is no place for accountant villains in gritty superhero crime dramas. To that I say, ever seen The Dark Knight? The second-best live-action Batman movie with the second-best ever Joker that everyone loves and won't shut up about? That film had two major accountant-based plot points with two different accountants. And Leland Owlsley is better than both. He is fun to watch, pointing out the ridiculousness of the show and providing some much needed comedic relief, and even if he's not the most intimidating villain, he's got a good actor and good writing. And it counts for something that, out of Fisk's four main associates during the first season, he's the only one to make it to the last episode.

3. Madame Gao & The Chinese Mob

Madame Gao is among the scariest villains of the show. In season one, she is very underutilized, only being a focus in one episode, "The Ones We Leave Behind". Gao makes a small return in Season 2 as well. Still, in Season 1, she is terrifying, and though this is out of the scope of this article, she and Stick are the best parts of The Defenders. Part of what makes Gao so scary is that everyone is terrified of this little old lady. The fact that we rarely see her do anything too hostile or evil makes her reputation and nature even scarier, especially the one time we see her in a fight, where it's proven that she can hold her own much more than you'd expect. That, and her ominous comments about coming from farther than China and knowing all languages makes her seem all the more terrifying. She even seems more powerful than other members of the Hand. I'm kind of tempted to watch Iron Fist just for her.

2. Benjamin "Dex" Poindexter

Benjamin Poindexter is the best example of a supervillain who was written as a realistic and human individual while maintaining his unique character and villainous persona. When we first meet Dex, he feels like an intense FBI agent, impossible for Fisk to sway. But his backstory is told in one of the most creative sequences ever. Fisk's looming presence makes it so that this isn't Dex's backstory, this isn't a thing that happened in the past, it's Fisk unearthing Dex's backstory, a driving event happening here and now. In his backstory, we first see him with a baseball cap reminiscent of the Bullseye costume his comic counterpart wears, and throughout the season, Dex proves himself very sympathetic and very scary. His perfect aim is alluded to many times, and his actions leave a huge impact on the show. This is how you write a villain, people. Now, you just need to put him in Daredevil Reborn or Echo as the full Bullseye.

Honorable Mentions

There were a number of types of characters that I considered putting on this list but didn't. First, there were characters such as Benjamin Donovan and Felix Manning, who work for Fisk but never really develop into proper villains themselves. James Wesley and Leland Owlsley just barely avoided this category by their special roles within Fisk's organization. They serve as independent villains in the show with their own motivations apart from Fisk.

Second are anti-heroes like Frank Castle's Punisher, Elektra, and Stick, who often come into conflict with Daredevil but are more often than not on his side. The Punisher is the best part of season 2, and Stick is fun to watch, even if he always brings annoying ninja storylines with him.

Third are criminal organizations that never really had big, antagonistic roles in the series. The Mexican Cartel and Dogs of War weren't that important other than to establish credibility for the Punisher. The Albanians and Dutton were mainly rivals to Fisk and never really posed a threat to Daredevil. And of course, Don Rigoletto, the old crime boss, hinted to be the leader of the Italian Mafia in Hell's Kitchen before it went down. Rigoletto, though never seen, leaves a mark on Fisk's backstory, and his death helps foreshadow Fisk's arrival in the first few episodes of the show. And I've got to point out Silvio, the crime boss who fed Ben Urich information, mostly because he is likely a reference to Kingpin's older rival from the comics, Silvio Manfredi. Though the Manfredi crime family appears in Agent Carter, it is headed by Silvio's son from the comics, Joseph. While the timeline doesn't exactly match up if Joesph is Silvio's son, it's a nice little nod that prevents Sony from getting mad for using Spider-Man characters.

And finally, there are anti-villains, people coerced into Fisk's service through blackmail and bribes who are otherwise in fairly minor or non-villainous roles. These include Melvin Potter, as well as dirty law enforcement agents like Ray Nadeem, Tammy Hattley, and Carl Hoffman. Again, not really proper villains in their own right.

1. Wilson Fisk

Yeah, you knew it. He's the best villain in the MCU and the heart of the show. In Season 1, Wilson Fisk makes you care about him while also presenting a credible threat. In his short time in Season 2, he generates the best episode in the season by showing how quickly he regains power. And in Season 3, every aspect of him it utterly terrifying. And in Hawkeye... okay, he's not as great there, but you get the picture. Vincent D'Onofrio shines in a role nearly as iconic and demanding as the Joker. Kingpin has been done again and again, at the time the best Kingpin would have been Roscoe Lee Browne's interpretation in Spider-Man: The Animated Series, where he served as the series's main villain. So yeah, D'Onofrio had a lot to contend with, including getting the look right, which was no easy task. Yet he's built well throughout the first season; showing a supportive, younger Vanessa, one who genuinely enjoyed Fisk's evil, made for a nice contrast with other adaptations. And when the finale hits, he feels like the true Kingpin throughout. Even when he's brought down and humiliated in prison during Season 2, his refinement and power are still evident. And the times he's actually referred to as the Kingpin feel genuinely earned. You get a sense that this is truly a man who feels he's doing right, rebuilding the Kitchen under his own watchful eye. A lesser show would have us hating the villain with all of the little evils he does, but what's so compelling about Fisk is that, while he's a cold-blooded killer, in his personal life, he's a decent man. This is seen best when he goes to retrieve the painting in Season 3, but is evident throughout the show.

So Apparently There’s a Where’s Waldo TV Show?

July 17, 2022

It’s 3:02 PM Kansas City time on July 5, 2022. I’m flying back from a week-long trip to England, and writing an article on the Notes app for my theater blog because I discovered that there is apparently a Where’s Waldo TV Show. Weird thing to base a show off of, but hey, the less established lore, the better when it comes to indirect adaptations. Anyway, I will be watching the first two episodes of season 2 because that’s all that’s available to me on this plane.

Okay, so this is a Dreamworks production, which is fairly hit-or-miss. The theme is fairly short and fun. It’s no Gravity Falls theme, but it’s not the How I Met Your Mother opening, which is the worst part of the show. Ah, so this appears to be a show meant to teach geography, like that one animal-transformation show my cousins like. Also, Waldo apparently has a hat of holding. And they’ve already stuck a Where’s Waldo into the show. I figured. The dialogue is a bit bland and lacks comedy, though our two leads, Waldo and Wenda work well together. What am I doing with my life? I could be watching Parks & Rec right now. Anyway, the scoring is good, but there’s a villain about as sinister as Ted Lasso and a tenth as interesting. Also the villain has a Swiper knock-off of a pet ferret. It talks. It’s voice is the stuff of nightmares. Also Waldo keeps wandering off so that people can say the line. And apparently they call Waldo and Wenda “the wanderers”, and the red and white striped shirt is a uniform.

Anyway, episode 2. Okay, so this white-bearded wizard is apparently a regular character. And they have a dog, too. And the plots revolve around wizards in different locations. And now we’re going to Bollywood. Why not? Wait, there are two dogs? Okay, they just said that all Bollywood movies have music and dancing, I’m gonna have to look into that when I get off this plane. AND WHY IS THE VILLAIN CONVENIENTLY IN BOLLYWOOD? And also there are magic keys. Sorry, I’m noticing things from the first episode that appear to be trends throughout the series upon viewing a second episode. Also I’m pretty sure our characters have violated a few dozen labor laws in the second episode.

Anyway, the show is a fairly charming series in the vein of Dora. When I get to Chicago (it’s a stop on the way) I want to see if it has. More overarching plot. It is now 3:52, and I would describe the show as “not a waste of time” and “almost charming”. It doesn’t have the same charm that slightly older demographic shows like Gravity Falls or Phineas and Ferb have, but it doesn’t feel like the mind-numbing talking down that I remember shows like Dora and Little Einsteins begin. (It’s been several years, so my memory of both pieces of children’s programming are probably faulty.) On the viewing of the second episode, I can see how in a more season-finale type setting, the show’s main antagonist could do some serious damage. The art style is definitely 2D Dreamworks, and it’s certainly better than that awful Peabody and Sherman reboot. But hey, if you’re going to do something like this with popular IP, this show knew that it has to add something and make a contribution to said IP, instead of being a cash-grab based on references to the IP (I say as my mother watches Ghostbusters: Afterlife next to me), although that’s hard to do with something cash-grabby with Waldo. So far it seems like a by-the-numbers kid’s show the fills the 6 - 8 demographic nicely; old enough so that they want to be entertained with an actual plot and not be force-fed toddler shows, but not quite old enough to fully appreciate smarter kids shows that I’ve already mentioned.

Update: I finally landed (5:32 PM) and got reception, and instead of checking my AP score, I checked whether the Where’s Waldo TV series has an overarching plot. It does not. Also apparently it’s a reboot. And I got a 4.

Bros Before ****?

May 18, 2022

Alright, another weird topic, this time proposed by Henry. Basically, who do you put first: women or friends? This question is very near and dear to me, so I'll do my best to answer honestly. First of all, I do believe in this rule. Friendships are immensely important to me, and they're also the foundation of my influence over the entire grade. Science says humans have three large clusters of nerves in their body: one in the head (the brain), one in the stomach, and one in the genitals. And in my experience, theater kids don't rely on their brain or stomach too often. This is a theater blog, and I'm just being honest.

Anyway, so should bros come first? Absolutely. But in the theater world, do they? Eh....

Theater = B*tches???

May 11, 2022

One topic that was requested by Cannon Simpson was... this one. There are two ways to take this request. Either:

1. Theater kids get, or

2. Theater kids are

Let's start with the easy one. Are. I have a lot of female friends in theater, all of whom would tell you I don't think of them as, well, you know whats. I'd like to keep it that way, so... no comment.

Now for the hard one. Get. At a certain point, one might have said that all men in theater are gay. This has been false since, at the 2011 Tony Awards, Neil Patrick Harris declared it as such. So to answer your question, do theater kids get? All I'll say is that in my experience and in certain respects, theater kids are like rabbits, and not because they eat their own feces (which I have also known them to do). So I guess the answer is kind of.

There you go, Cannon. I hope you're happy, and that you enjoy the prize you're going to get for your superior performance in Curse.