Blog Posts

Tragedy and Triumph

October 2022

I had started seeking stories of tragedy and triumph after others would rise from the ashes. But these pieces of wisdom from other people seemed unrelatable for my situation. People recovered from GBS and got off the vent and it made me feel like a big failure. Triumph is what I was so focused on, it was the one thing I wanted most. I was so prideful. I recall crafting my identity as a way to control how I was seen with my disability, like my image was still marketable if I hid it. Yet to be quite honest I stopped myself from growing because I only focused on Triumph without working on how I viewed Tragedy. Since I didn't get the results I had wanted, my mind already drew a conclusion that all my potential was gone. Treading within the sadness made me stuck. I am safe now if and when I want to explore my own trauma but that's because I've worked with therapists and sought proper treatment. I read books and held my prayers. In the beginning, many of the emotions I felt while dealing with literally being paralyzed were put aside for the sake of getting as much progress as possible. First, I needed to work hard to gain function. If I was sad, I would push it off. When I finally could talk, do you think I wanted to tell my parents my sadness? No! I needed to show them I had the determination to fight and get the heck outta there! From hospital to home, I never brought up the flashbacks I would get or the small triggers that made my body go into a shutdown mode. Because I hid it from everyone around me I suppressed that experience to handle it later. This is a no no. Hiding emotions doesn't make it go away and if left alone, it may even be the root for other problems. For me, my anger affected my family and it was because I didn't talk about what made me upset or where it came from. Over time I accepted that what I went through was not normal. I understand now that my sad feelings and fears are valid. I worked with doctors and therapists, talked with my family and established boundaries. And I'm so proud of where I am today. My Triumph is small physically but large emotionally. If you're on the fence about seeking professional help, counsel or just bringing it up with a friend, I hope you trust yourself to take the first step in the right direction. One thing is for certain, I am safe from my own head telling me mean things. I can become something if I choose to. And it can be whatever I want. When there are moments of doubt I feel my feelings but I will always return to the sun. And be the light for myself.

Book Thoughts #1: The Body Keeps the Score

October 2022

My Grandparents and my Uncle Albert

October 2022

My grandparents both passed away in the hospital on life support and I feel more inclined to experience my life still, especially now having a taste of what their hospital stay felt like. When I think about my Tatay I remember how much time we spent together. I enjoyed the sun, the French fries, and homemade lemonade. I'd sit by the tv on his wooden bed with no mattress while he scolded me for sitting too close. When he would watch the news I'd bother him and ask him when it would be finished so that we could go outside and listen to the birds chirping. He was always loving and kind. And smart. My nanay was the best cook in the world, and she made the stomachs and hearts of everyone in my family so full of love. But most of all she was a beautiful and vibrant woman. I remember watching her comb her hair at her vanity, in front of the perfumes all gathered together in a small basket. Her style was impeccable and she didn't lose any opportunity to dress up when we would go somewhere as simple as Target. Her eyes were gray, and she had the perfect rosy apple cheek smile. I remember there many times my Nanay would offer me gum as a sneaky way to slip a five dollar bill in my hand. She was nurturing but knew how to have fun. The stories I have are like those holiday tin popcorn buckets. They come up seasonally but are so enjoyable when shared.

My Uncle Albert pops up in my mind often. I am ashamed to say that I had little understanding of his battle with mental illness and it's something that keeps my grief company. I wish he could still be here. I know he would understand me on a level that would give me so much comfort. My mom caught me crying late at night because I knew Uncle Albert must've felt alone and that hurt me since I could've done so much more. If I had just been more attentive and had conversations about how he was feeling rather than surface level small talk. If, If, If. The dangerousness from "Ifs." He was faithful and always present for his family. I needed rides to school and church events so he would take me. All the drives and I can only remember asking him what his favorite song was. I know being frank about asking someone how they are can do little to nothing but I know there's always more that can be done to make someone feel heard.

I want to honor them by learning from them. I hope I can be mindful of their time on this Earth and use my experiences with them to always be better.

Learning How to Cope

September 2021 (edited October 2022)

Everyone has their own way to deal with any burden or worry. It's natural for humans to cope so that we can feel a sense of balance. Initially, I tried to deny the truth of what is now my life. "No, I am going back to the old me, and I'll be out of this situation in no time," was what I told myself. Yet with this mindset I wasn't working hard to move forward. I was trying to go back! I thought I needed to physically be back to the old me to be happy. It was an injustice to ignore the beauty in the recovery process because there are many life lessons that healing gives me. As time passed by I developed a relationship with my disease and I broke the pressure I had put on myself to keep up a dual reality of what is and what was. With the cohesion of my past and present, I aspire to live a peaceful life. Rather than continuing to be conflicted about where I ended up and taking it out on my surroundings, I decided to focus on what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that my heart is still beating.

I am thankful to have a family that support and uplift me; taking me to places that I imagined I would never see because of my physicality change.

I am thankful for the faith I keep and for those who prayed for me, regardless of the religion that they practice (or absence of religion).

I am thankful for the friends who I chose to open up to, and who make me feel comfortable about the way I am now.

I am thankful that I get to walk to places I need to go to and for the talented physical and occupational therapists, along with their assistants, who aided me to learn how to walk again.

I am thankful I can still eat and enjoy my food, which I was afraid of losing because of the tracheostomy cannula in my throat. Without speech therapists and the small camera that gave me a MTV crib special of my own esophagus, I wouldn't be eating my food (med tech is amazing).

I am thankful for music that played 24/7 while I had restless nights in the hospital. Although I physically was inept to do any activities for my recreational therapy, music allowed me to dream of when I would be free again.

I am thankful for Netflix and YouTube. My best friend "legally" downloaded Crazy Rich Asians so that I could watch the new movie while I was in the hospital. It was still in theaters. Also, I'm especially thankful for the nurse that gave me her account password so that I could watch a Filipino TV series called "On the Wings of Love."

I am thankful that I am pursuing my education. My biggest personality trait was school. The summer I came home was also the start of my sophomore year at UCI. I, sadly, had to leave UCI however right now I'm proudly getting my Bachelor's degree at CSULB.

I am thankful for all the sacrifices my Dad and Mom had to make. Especially my Mom. Without her, I wouldn't be here.

Living each day to I want to remember who or what pushes me to enjoy life as it is. Not to dwindle in the past and what life I had. Not to get lost in dreaming of a largely ambitious future. Whenever I can, I try to wake up and find myself thankful to document the good things that happen in the now. Whatever presents in a new day is a blessing for those who are fortunate to realize that their life has the potential to be enjoyable, all with the right outlook.