I am no longer updating this site. Click here to read all the Borowitz Reports on this one googledoc.
Borowitz Reports (SATIRE) are posted at the NewYorker.com. But they only allow non-subscribers to view a TOTAL of 5 NewYorker articles per month. I subscribed to read them all as they came out. I began reformatting Andy's Borowitz Reports to simple text to share them on this webpage, organized by year. I email (blind-copy) reports (as I discover them by checking the NewYorker often) to trusted friends who appreciate his humor. Email me at jhmathgal at gmail dot com if you want to be on my Borowitz friends contact list. If you copy and share anything from this page on social media, please do NOT share my name, email or site. If you email it to someone you trust, you can give them my email or this site address.
Reports below are in reverse chronological order. See above for links to other years.
I am no longer updating this site. Click here to read all the Borowitz Reports on this one googledoc.
12/14/20 Horrible Student Rejected by College
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a widely expected outcome, a horrible student was rejected by a college on Monday.
The college’s decision to reject the student was unsurprising given his poor performance in such important subjects as science, math, history, and spelling.
Although the student was reportedly taking his rejection badly, a college spokesperson said that the news should have come as no surprise.
“He was told that he wasn’t getting in more than a month ago,” the spokesperson said. “This was just a formality.”
Having failed to get accepted by the college, the student is expected to live at home and take a job in a business started by his dad.
12/11/20 White House Offers Curbside Pickup of Pardons
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In response to the coronavirus pandemic, the White House is offering curbside pickup for Republican officials and other cronies who have ordered pardons from Donald J. Trump.
The White House made the decision to offer the contactless pardon-pickup option to accommodate the surging number of stooges and lackeys who have been shopping for pardons this holiday season.
Republicans looking to pick up their pardons may do so at a drive-through window outside the Oval Office from eight in the morning until nine at night, the White House announced.
Donald J. Trump or Mike Pence will personally dispense the pardons through the window, enabling pardon-seekers to remain safely in their cars.
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, urged Trump’s toadying enablers to pick up their pardons as early as possible. “Get your pardon first thing in the morning, and you’ll still have plenty of time to get to the Supreme Court to try to throw out the election,” she said.
Click for one article I found that may be related to this next report.
12/9/20 Trump Attempts to Fire Amy Coney Barrett
(I just had to include the photo for this one.)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald J. Trump attempted to fire the Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, sources report.
According to the sources, Trump was so irate about the Supreme Court’s dismissal of his election challenge on Tuesday that he phoned Barrett directly to inform her that she was “history.”
“I hired you to get a job done, and you didn’t get it done,” Trump angrily informed Barrett. “You’re out of here.”
Sources say that Barrett had the unenviable task of informing Trump that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life and therefore cannot be fired, a revelation that left Trump “flabbergasted.”
“If I can’t fire anybody I want, maybe I don’t want to be President anymore,” he reportedly muttered.
Click for one article I found related to this next report.
12/7/20 MyPillow Guy Joins with Trump to Promote MyPardon
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a limited-time offer to current and former White House staffers, Mike Lindell, better known as the MyPillow Guy, is joining forces with Donald J. Trump to promote a new product called MyPardon.
For $69.98, the price of a MyPillow, Trump associates will receive a preëmptive pardon rendering them immune from prosecution for all federal crimes.
Unlike MyPillow, which comes with a ten-year warranty, MyPardon is guaranteed for life, Lindell said.
“People wonder how someone who worked for Donald Trump can sleep at night,” Lindell said. “With MyPardon, you’ll sleep like a baby.
Click if you missed the news of Fauci being on Biden's team.
12/4/20 Fauci a Little Weirded Out by People Suddenly Listening to Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci is “a little weirded out” by people suddenly listening to him, the virologist has confirmed.
After months of being virtually ignored, Fauci said that the phenomenon of people paying attention when he says something is “kind of freaky.”
“I guess I got used to being in meetings where I’d start talking and people would take that as an opportunity to look at their phones,” he said. “This whole thing of me saying things and other people listening to me has kind of thrown me for a loop.”
Fauci added that the novel experience of people acknowledging his existence has created “a ton of pressure.”
“It’s bizarre, frankly, to all of a sudden be saying things and have people ask follow-up questions, like they were listening to what I just said,” he said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But when people are actually listening to what you say it can be kind of stressful. You really have to bring your A game and can’t just phone it in. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.”
Click for one article I found related this report.
12/2/20 White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Frontline Criminals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration, the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need.
In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals.
According to the announcement, essential frontline criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments, destroying evidence, and subverting democracy.
“These essential criminals have risked imprisonment day in, day out, for the good of President Trump,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “They need to be immunized, so that they can continue their important work.”
The announcement immediately raised concerns among frontline criminals, who fear that their swelling numbers, believed to be in the tens of thousands, could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around.
McEnany, however, sought to allay those fears. “President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act to ramp up the manufacturing of Sharpies,” she said.
11/30/20 BONUS POEM: Enjoy ‘Goodnight Loon,’ a poem by someone who wants to remain anonymous.
Good night nastiest man in the room.
Good night rants and alibis.
Good night all those crazy bleats.
Good night sniveling sycophants.
Good night endless midnight rages.
Good night fine people on both sides,
Good night losers, good night suckers,
Good night evil nasty f**kers.
Good night Baron, we hardly knew ya.
Good night thief, Good night grief,
Good night cruel and callous chief.
Good night fake news, And Fox and friends,
This is how the nightmare ends.
Good night at last. It’s time to go,
The American people told you so.
11/30/20 Trump Tries to Prove He Is Fitter Than Biden by Playing Fetch with Pence on White House Lawn
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to demonstrate that he is in better physical condition than President-elect Joe Biden, Donald J. Trump spent part of Monday morning playing fetch with Mike Pence on the White House lawn.
The press corps was invited to the event, at which Trump, seated on a golf cart, hurled tennis ball after tennis ball at his Vice-President, who obediently retrieved them.
At one point in the demonstration, Pence paused to praise his boss’s “amazing stamina.”
“Mr. President, I always knew that your mental acuity was beyond compare, but I must say that your physical strength and endurance are nothing short of miraculous,” Pence said.
“I can’t hear you with that tennis ball in your mouth,” Trump replied.
After half an hour of fetching, Pence became winded and was replaced by Senator Lindsey Graham.
11/26/20 Melania Banishes Trump to Children’s Table
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that his tantrum about losing the election had ruined Thanksgiving, Melania Trump exiled her husband to the children’s table.
Donald J. Trump’s expulsion occurred shortly after his wife asked those at the grownups’ table to name things for which they were thankful.
Jared Kushner named “doing such a kick-ass job on the pandemic,” Ivanka Trump cited “that I didn’t talk to Bob Woodward,” and Rudy Giuliani chose “my beautiful, naturally dark hair.”
When it was the President’s turn, he launched into a ten-minute tirade about an election-stealing conspiracy involving George Soros, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and “well-known Antifa sympathizer Tucker Carlson.”
By the time he began calling for the imprisonment of Lesley Stahl, Melania had heard enough.
“You just wrecked Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday,” she said. “It’s not like Christmas, which totally blows.”
She then banished her sulking husband to the children’s table, causing Barron Trump to remark, “Why am I being punished?”
Barron later emerged victorious in a wishbone game with his father, who demanded that the result of that contest be overturned.
11/25/20 Putin Warns That U.S. Will Be Controlled by Americans
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his “darkest fears have been confirmed,” Vladimir Putin warned that the United States is on the verge of being controlled by Americans.
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, the Russian President alleged that President-elect Joe Biden was “the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to advance American interests.”
“Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people,” he charged.
“His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that, after four years of progress, the United States has fallen into American hands,” he said. “Joe Biden is keenly aware that Americans put him in power, and he will do their bidding.”
Russia experts said that Putin’s remarks were as close to a concession speech as he is likely to make.
Click for one article I found related to this next report.
11/24/20 Trump Blasts Biden Cabinet’s Lack of Reality-Show Experience
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of blistering tweets, Donald J. Trump ripped President-elect Joe Biden for choosing Cabinet members woefully lacking in reality-show experience.
Calling the Cabinet picks a “bunch of losers who have spent their lives working at desks,” Trump questioned the team’s preparedness to take on the challenges presented by today’s complex reality-show landscape.
“These people have never earned an immunity idol, presided over a rose ceremony, or danced with a star,” Trump said. “This is the best Sleepy Joe could do?”
He saved his most withering criticism for Janet Yellen, Biden’s pick for Treasury Secretary. “If Joe really wanted a woman for this position, why didn’t he choose one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?” Trump asked. “They know a lot more about money than this clown.”
Leaving aside Biden’s failure to pack his Cabinet with experienced reality-show participants, Trump was baffled by his successor’s decision to bypass other highly talented candidates. “Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr., are all looking for jobs,” he said.
11/19/20 Man Refuses to Leave Job He Hates
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Florida man who hates the job he has held for nearly four years is nevertheless refusing to leave it, puzzling psychologists.
While many people are reluctant to leave jobs that they enjoy, the man has shown every sign of despising his job from the day he took it.
Rather than applying himself to the tasks before him, he has gone to great lengths to avoid them, watching television most of the day and frequently leaving the office to play golf.
Sometimes, he has even hidden in the basement of his workplace for hours, according to reports.
And yet, despite his obvious distaste for his job, he has steadfastly refused to accept the fact that he was fired from it two weeks ago.
Dr. Davis Logsdon, chairman of the psychology department of the University of Minnesota, proposed a possible explanation for the man’s bizarre actions.
“This is the behavior of someone who has failed at many jobs,” he said. “On some level, he is terrified that he is not employable anywhere else.”
11/18/20 National-Security Experts Support Total Withdrawal of Trump from U.S.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A broad spectrum of national-security experts support the immediate and total withdrawal of Donald J. Trump from the United States.
In an open letter signed by over three hundred members of the military and intelligence communities, the experts wrote that Trump’s withdrawal is “long past due.”
“After nearly four years, this conflict is over,” they wrote. “It is time to reduce the troop level from one to zero.”
“It is no longer in the interest of the United States for Trump to be stationed here,” they added.
The experts recommended that further steps be taken to reduce Trump’s footprint on U.S. soil, and called for the immediate withdrawal of Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr.
11/17/20 Trump Furious After White House H.R. Schedules His Exit Interview
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the White House’s Human Resources Department notified him that it had scheduled his exit interview, the head of H.R. has revealed.
Carol Foyler, the H.R. chief who was the target of Trump’s wrath, said that the exit interview is a “valuable tool” to help make the White House a better working environment.
“Everyone who leaves the White House has to participate in an exit interview,” she said. “That was true of the nine thousand people who left during the past four years.”
The H.R. executive said that she hoped that the interview could help Trump explore any workplace issues that led to his departure.
“The previous three people who had his job held it for eight years and he only lasted four,” she said. “It would be helpful to get his perspective on why things didn’t work out for him here.”
11/16/20 Obama Offers to Read His Book Aloud to Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying, “It’s the least I can do,” former President Barack Obama has offered to read his new book aloud to Donald J. Trump.
“There’s a lot in there about democracy, governmental norms, and the rule of law,” Obama said of “A Promised Land,” which is being published this week. “I think he’d get a lot out of it being read to him.”
Obama said that he had thought about sending Trump the audiobook version, but then realized that “there would be no one to help him when he got to a word he didn’t understand.”
“I’m excited to do this,” Obama said. “There’s nothing more important than education.”
Acknowledging that it would take a lot of time for Trump to listen to the entire seven-hundred-and-sixty-eight-page book, Obama said, “He has a lot of time on his hands since he stopped going to meetings of the coronavirus task force.”
11/15/20 Giuliani Arrives in Ukraine to Look for More Votes
KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—Now the mastermind of Donald J. Trump’s post-election strategy, Rudolph Giuliani, has travelled to Ukraine in search of more votes for his client.
Speaking to reporters at the Kyiv airport, a highly animated Giuliani said that he expected to return to the United States with “bags full of votes” for Trump.
“Joe Biden is leading Trump by about sixty thousand votes in Pennsylvania,” the former mayor of New York said. “The population of Ukraine is forty-three million! You think I can’t find sixty thousand votes in this country? Get out of here! Get out of here!”
Giuliani added that he was confident that his quest for votes would be a success because “every time I go to Ukraine, I come away smellin’ like a rose!”
Concluding his remarks, he said that he would later announce the results of his mission at Kyiv Hilton Total Landscaping.
Click if interested in reading this article related to this next report: President Trump has gone a full week without making any public comments beyond his Twitter feed, a rare instance of extended absence as he refuses to concede the election.
11/13/20 Nation Celebrates Full Week of Trump Not Talking
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—The United States is celebrating a full week of Donald J. Trump not talking, Americans have confirmed.
From coast to coast, Americans are savoring their freedom from Trump’s utterances for the first time since 2015.
“As much as I wanted Trump to lose, I had no idea that losing would make him stop talking,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Pittsburgh, said. “I feel like I’ve won the lottery.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in Minneapolis, was more guarded in her ecstasy. “I want to celebrate Trump not talking, but I guess I’m afraid to,” she said. “He’s been quiet for a week, and I don’t want to do anything to jinx that.”
But Harland Dorrinson, a resident of St. Louis, felt that an occasion as momentous as Trump being silent for a week “must be honored.”
“I believe that we’re living through an important moment in history,” he said. “Someday, people will ask, ‘Where were you when Donald Trump stopped talking?’
11/12/20 Biden Could Receive Classified Intelligence Just by Hanging Out in Mar-a-Lago Dining Room
PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—President-elect Joe Biden could obtain all the classified intelligence he needs simply by hanging out in the public dining room at Mar-a-Lago, members of the international espionage community recommend.
“Biden shouldn’t worry about getting official intelligence briefings,” a foreign spy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. “He should just reserve a table at Mar-a-Lago, and he’ll hear everything he needs.”
The spy offered his own methods for obtaining classified intelligence as a possible roadmap for the President-elect. “Get a table near Trump, order an omelette, and turn on your recorder,” he said.
Calling the last four years “the golden age of spying on the U.S.,” the intelligence agent was philosophical about the impending Biden Presidency. “Nothing lasts forever,” he said.
11/11/20 New Trump Lawsuit Seeks to Overturn Obama’s 2008 Election
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest legal action, Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit to overturn former President Barack Obama’s election in 2008.
Throwing out Obama’s win seems like a long shot to most legal scholars, who note that the former President won in 2008 by more than nine million votes and racked up three hundred and sixty-five Electoral College votes in a resounding landslide.
Further complicating Trump’s case is that his lawsuit refers to no tangible evidence of voter fraud in 2008, other than a cryptic statement that “there were a lot of bad things going on.”
Reached at his office at Netflix, Obama seemed unconcerned by the prospect of his 2008 election being overturned. “Look, I’m a TV producer,” he said. “I’ve got scripts to read and rough cuts to watch. I don’t have the kind of free time that Donald Trump has.”
11/10/20 Fox News Obtains Damning Video of Biden Talking to Scientists
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the network described as “the bombshell of the century,” Fox News Channel has obtained a damning video of President-elect Joe Biden talking to scientists.
The video, which the Fox host Tucker Carlson warned viewers was “almost too disturbing to air,” was reportedly taped on Monday, during a video conference with the President-elect.
“If authentic, this video could be grounds for Biden’s impeachment,” Carlson said. “Talking to scientists, most legal scholars would agree, is a high crime under the United States Constitution.”
To buttress his assertion, Carlson singled out the appearance on the video of an epidemiologist from the University of Minnesota. “You can read the Constitution backward and forward, and you will not find the word ‘epidemiologist,’ ” Carlson said.
Stating that Biden has “a lot of explaining to do,” the Fox host said that the video could be “the last nail in the coffin of the Biden Presidency.”
“I am not easily shocked, but this is far worse than anything on Hunter’s laptop,” he said.
11/9/20 Richard Burr Furious That Senators Were Not Given Advance Notice to Buy Pfizer Stock
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Richard Burr, Republican of North Carolina, said on Monday he was furious that senators were given “no advance notice whatsoever” to buy stock in the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer.
After Pfizer’s stock price surged, following news of its promising coronavirus vaccine, a visibly irate Burr held an impromptu press conference to express his outrage at having been “totally blindsided.”
“When I ran for the United States Senate, I did so with the clear understanding that, if elected, I would receive stock tips of the highest possible value,” the senator said. “I feel like, today, that trust has been profoundly betrayed.”
Burr said there was “absolutely no excuse” for advance news of Pfizer’s vaccine trials being withheld from him.
“I know the excuses that I’m going to hear,” Burr said. “Yes, we’ve been distracted by the election. Yes, we’ve been distracted by the economic crisis. But, heavens to Betsy, this is my portfolio we’re talking about.”
11/9/20 Fauci Excited to Have Someone to Talk To
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci is excited to have someone to talk to, Fauci has confirmed.
After months of having no one to talk to, Fauci said, the idea of saying something and having another person hear it is “a real kick.”
“It’s been a little lonely,” Fauci said. “I’ve been doing a lot of journaling.”
“Sometimes, I’ve found myself talking to my dog,” he added. “I think my poor dog has gotten sick of hearing my voice. I’ve been driving him a little bit nutso.”
Reflecting on his months without anyone to talk to, Fauci observed, “It wasn’t a walk in the park.” He added, “I don’t know how Scott Atlas is gonna deal with it.”
11/5/20 Trump Defends Lawsuits: “No One Knows More About Fraud Than Me”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump offered a full-throated defense of his election-related lawsuits on Thursday, arguing, “No one knows more about fraud than me.”
Trump ridiculed television commentators who have dismissed his accusations of election fraud, claiming that he has “much more experience in fraud than all of these beauties put together.”
“People forget that, right when I became President, I settled a twenty-five-million-dollar fraud case against me,” he said. “You can’t beat hands-on experience like that.”
“For my entire life, I have been drenched in fraud,” he said.
Trump said that, when his election lawsuits are argued in court, his special expertise will win the day. “Fraud is my middle name,” he boasted.
11/4/20 Trump Asks Supreme Court to Rule That Wisconsin Is Not a State
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump has asked the United States Supreme Court to rule that Wisconsin is not a state.
“I’ve been hearing strange things coming out of Wisconsin, which is a rigged hoax claiming to be a state,” Trump told reporters. “I think it’s disgraceful.”
When asked by a reporter to explain Wisconsin’s admission to the Union, in 1848, Trump said, “Show me one person who saw that happen. You can’t, because they’re all dead. That’s very convenient and very cute.”
Trump also said that Wisconsin had no right to call itself “the Badger State.”
“First of all, it’s not a state,” Trump said. “Second of all, there are no badgers there. I’ve been there many, many times and have never seen a badger. Wisconsin should apologize to the entire badger race.”
11/4/20 Cincinnati Bengals Announce That They Have Won Super Bowl
CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—In an early-morning victory statement that took many in the N.F.L. by surprise, the Cincinnati Bengals have declared themselves the winners of next February’s Super Bowl.
The declaration of victory seemed designed to stir controversy, in no small part because sixty minutes of the sixty-minute-long contest have yet to be played.
But the Bengals remained defiant, arguing that no touchdowns, extra points, field goals, or safeties scored after their announcement should count.
“As far as we’re concerned, we’ve already won,” the Bengals said.
11/3/20 Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Reports That Women Are Voting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has ordered the Attorney General, Bill Barr, to investigate widespread reports that women are voting.
Trump said that he had evidence that women were casting ballots in the tens of millions, a scandal that he called “bigger than Watergate.”
“We’re not going to let this happen in our country,” he said. “We’re moving quite strongly and quite powerfully on the women.”
He also issued advice to suburban women, of whom he claimed to possess a deep understanding.
“Suburban women, you need to stay at home and cook dinner so your husbands can vote,” he said.
11/2/20 Poll Shows Most Democrats Have Taken Advantage of Early Drinking
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll indicates that the vast majority of Democratic voters have taken advantage of early drinking ahead of the 2020 election.
In contrast to 2016, when many Democrats did not begin drinking in earnest until well into Election Night, the poll indicates that these same voters started consuming alcohol days and even weeks before November 3rd.
“By the time I started drinking in 2016, it was too late for me to fully anesthetize myself,” Harland Dorrinson, an Arizona Democrat who started drinking last Thursday, said. “That’s why I went for the early-drinking option.”
According to the poll, white wine, long considered a favorite of certain Democratic constituencies, was the choice of only twenty-four per cent of the early drinkers, while vodka, scotch, and other spirits garnered the support of a whopping fifty-nine per cent.
The surging support for hard liquor is an indication that Democrats are taking early drinking more seriously than they did in 2016, experts say.
Carol Foyler, a Pennsylvania voter who began early drinking in September, said that she had not stocked enough alcohol in her home in 2016 but was better prepared this year. “I made a plan to drink,” she said.
11/2/20 Susan Collins Unsure Whether She Will Vote for Herself
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Plunging her reëlection bid for the United States Senate into uncertainty, Susan Collins announced on Monday that she was unsure whether she would vote for herself.
Collins, who had long been expected to back herself in 2020, said that nagging doubts about her record in the Senate had given her pause.
“For much of my career, I have been troubled and concerned about a whole range of issues,” she said. “The fact that I have been troubled and concerned as much as I have has left me troubled and concerned.”
Collins shed no light on her soul-searching process other than to say that she would spend the remaining hours until the election wringing her hands.
“I will make my decision when I am in the voting booth on Tuesday,” she said. “Or not.”
11/1/20 Trump Urges Americans to Wait in Parking Lot for Vaccine and Buses Will Pick Them Up
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign staff touted as his “November surprise,” Donald J. Trump on Sunday told the American people to wait in a parking lot for a coronavirus vaccine and buses will pick them up.
“Go to the nearest parking lot, and soon there will be a bus,” he said. “Very, very soon.”
Trump said that, in order to pick up all three hundred and thirty million Americans from parking lots, he had secretly launched a program called Operation Warp Bus.
“There will be shiny, gleaming buses to take you to the vaccine,” Trump said. “Just wait.”
Appearing on CNN, Dr. Anthony Fauci took a slightly different tack regarding Trump’s plan to pick up the entire population of the United States in buses.
“There are no damn buses,” Fauci said. “Please, make it stop.”
10/30/20 Democratic Voters Hope Election Day Means Democrats Will Stop Texting Them
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Democratic voters are anxiously awaiting Election Day in the hope that Democratic candidates and activists will finally stop texting them, a new poll shows.
In conversations with Democratic voters across the country, “No longer being texted by Democrats” has emerged as one of the most important issues to them in the 2020 campaign.
“Don’t get me wrong: I love the fact that they’re trying to end this Trump nightmare,” Carol Foyler, a Democratic voter in New Hampshire, said. “I’m just not sure that I need to be reminded five times a day to vote when I voted by mail a month ago.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Las Vegas, agreed. “I got a phone call in the middle of the night, and my heart raced because I thought it might be a family emergency,” he said. “It was just Joe Biden telling me that he and Kamala need my support.”
Tracy Klugian, a resident of Des Moines, said that, while he appreciated the texts from Democrats at first, “It now feels like borderline stalking.”
“They keep texting me because I donated twenty-five dollars to defeat Joni Ernst a few months ago,” he said. “But I guess now I feel like—oh, wait a second, I’m getting a call. Never mind, it’s just Barack Obama.”
10/29/20 Jared Kushner Asks Dad to Bribe His Way Into Electoral College
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With less than a week until Election Day, Jared Kushner has asked his father to bribe his way into the Electoral College.
Noting that Charles Kushner donated two and a half million dollars to Harvard before his son was accepted, Jared pointed out that his dad “might have to pony up more this time around.”
“The Electoral College only accepts five hundred and thirty-eight applicants,” he reportedly told his dad. “Even Lori Loughlin couldn’t get her kids in.”
In addition to persuading his father to “make it rain on the E.C.,” Jared said that he was putting together a “stellar” application.
“I’m pretty sure I can get a letter of recommendation from Bob Woodward,” he said. “We had an awesome interview.”
Between his father’s “Benjamins” and his own “rock-star status,” Jared said that his admission to the Electoral College should be “a lock,” arguing, “How can they turn down the guy who ended the pandemic?”
Click for one article related to this next report.
10/28/20 Trump Tells Stranded Omaha Supporters That Buses Are Rounding the Turn
OMAHA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump told supporters who were stranded in freezing temperatures when campaign buses failed to materialize on Tuesday night that the buses were “rounding the turn.”
“The buses will be there very soon,” Trump said. “We are moving very powerfully on buses.”
“One minute, there are no buses, and then, suddenly, like magic, there are buses,” he said. “It’ll be a miracle.”
Trump blasted the media for criticizing the absence of buses instead of emphasizing the “fantastic job I’ve done on buses.”
“The other day, a very smart and respected man called me, and said, ‘Sir, you have the most amazing buses,’ ” Trump said. “But CNN doesn’t report that, because they are horrible people.”
On Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign Web site added to the list of the President’s first-term accomplishments: “Buses.”
Click for one article related to this next report.
10/27/20 Kavanaugh Supports Cutoff For Vote-Counting But Not for Drinking
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an opinion that sparked controversy in legal circles, Brett Kavanaugh wrote that there should be a cutoff for vote-counting but not for drinking.
The Supreme Court Justice wrote that, while ballots received after midnight on Election Night should not be counted, drink orders placed after closing time at a bar should always be honored.
“While the Constitution does not guarantee the right to vote, it clearly enshrines the right to drink,” Kavanaugh wrote. “If a patron is seated at a bar at midnight, drinking should be allowed to continue for hours, if not days, until drinking has been completed.”
Kavanaugh added that there is “no scenario in which it would be right to cut a drinker off.”
“If, for example, a drinker is at a bar after a UB40 concert and some other dudes start dissing UB40, and the dude—the first one—starts punching the other dudes, cutting off that dude would be bogus,” he wrote, adding, “UB40 is the best band evahhhh!”
10/26/20 White House Quarantines Mark Meadows After He Tests Positive for Honesty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House has quarantined Mark Meadows after the chief of staff tested positive for honesty.
Out of an abundance of caution, Meadows will be secluded in a locked room in the White House sub-basement through November 3rd.
As part of his quarantine, Meadows will be socially distanced from microphones, cameras, phones, and all other recording and transmitting devices.
A White House source said that other staffers were “shaken” by the news that Meadows had been infected by honesty.
“This is why you shouldn’t talk to journalists,” the source said. “Mark probably caught it from one of them.”
Although other members of the Administration have yet to be tested for honesty, an official White House statement said that the American people should “rest assured” that Donald J. Trump and Mike Pence are totally asymptomatic.
10/23/20 Desperate Trump Alleges Ties Between Joe Biden and Jill Biden
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to gin up an “October surprise,” an increasingly desperate Donald J. Trump demanded an investigation into alleged links between Joe Biden and Jill Biden.
“People are saying that he is very close to her,” Trump told Sean Hannity, of Fox News. “There’s something going on.”
Trump said that there are “tens of thousands of e-mails” between Joe Biden and Jill Biden, a state of affairs that he called “disgraceful.”
“We need to move quite strongly on the e-mails, and also on the bank records,” Trump said, arguing that money has “flowed freely” between the two Bidens for decades.
In his most serious accusation, Trump warned that a President Joe Biden would be “under the influence” of Dr. Jill Biden because of their extensive ties.
“Joe Biden has been listening to a doctor for forty-three years,” he alleged.
10/22/20 Americans Favor Continuing to Mute Trump After Debate
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Americans favor continuing to mute Donald J. Trump after the final Presidential debate, a new study has found.
In the study, which was conducted by the psychology department at the University of Minnesota, researchers measured the responses of subjects when they were told that it was possible to mute Trump.
“Using advanced imaging, we were able to gauge how they reacted to this news,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “The pleasure centers in their brains lit up like solar flares.”
When they were told that Trump would no longer be muted after the debate, however, the subjects reacted with “disappointment, anguish, and even rage,” Logsdon said.
“One man was reduced to tears,” the researcher said. “He said, ‘I don’t understand why they can’t keep muting him—they clearly have the technology.’ ”
Logsdon said that the study yielded many other findings, including a widespread psychological need to mute Donald Trump, Jr.
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10/21/20 New Poll Shows Trump Losing to Hunter Biden
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With less than two weeks until the election, a new poll of likely voters shows Donald J. Trump losing badly to Hunter Biden.
Though Hunter Biden holds a commanding lead over Trump nationally, the poll reveals that he also trounces the President in such key swing states as Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania.
Voters preferred Hunter Biden over Trump when asked who would do a better job of “handling the pandemic,” “creating jobs,” and “caring about people like me.”
In the most ominous news for the President, if Hunter Biden were somehow prosecuted, convicted, and locked up, voters would still choose him over Trump by a double-digit margin.
10/20/20 Fauci Admits He Does Not Have Brain Like Trump’s
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the President’s withering criticism of his intellect, Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that he does not have a brain like Donald Trump’s.
“I have to say that he has a point,” Fauci said. “My brain could never come up with the things his brain comes up with.”
Having worked closely with Trump on the White House coronavirus task force, Fauci observed, “His brain is scary.”
“It’s much faster than mine,” the esteemed virologist added. “I need hours to look at facts and data before making a decision, but he makes decisions in seconds, without any information at all.”
While asserting that Trump’s gray matter “merits further study,” Fauci said that he has a theory for why the President’s brain is so much quicker than his.
“My brain is all clogged up with decades’ worth of epidemiology,” he said. “His just has ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV.’ ”
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10/18/20 Trump Accuses New Zealand’s Prime Minister of Competently Handling the Coronavirus to Get Reëlected
JANESVILLE, WI (The Borowitz Report)—Calling New Zealand’s Prime Minister “crooked and rigged,” Donald J. Trump accused Jacinda Ardern of competently handling the coronavirus pandemic in order to get reëlected.
Speaking at a rally in Wisconsin, Trump called Ardern’s use of public-health measures to mitigate the impact of the coronavirus on her nation “a sleazy political move like you wouldn’t believe.”
“This woman wanted to get reëlected, so she decided to go after the coronavirus and beat it,” he said. “This woman is a disgrace.”
Ramping up his attack on Ardern, Trump accused her of securing her election victory by “listening to scientists.”
“She was talking to scientists every day,” Trump charged. “It’s all going to come out when we see her e-mails.”
In a final denunciation of Ardern’s successful handling of the pandemic, Trump vowed, “You’ll never see me pulling something like that.”
10/16/20 NBC Cancels Reboot of “The Apprentice” After One Episode
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In one of the more embarrassing television fiascos in recent memory, NBC has announced that it will cancel its reboot of “The Apprentice” after only one episode.
The reboot, which attempted to revive the flagging career of its star, was widely panned by critics and audience members, who seemed baffled by the network’s decision to air it in the first place.
Even more puzzling, the producers of the “Apprentice” reboot tinkered with the original’s winning format, transforming its star from a successful, nearly omniscient business mogul to a hapless incompetent beset by failure.
While a press release from NBC indicated that the network would be scheduling “no further episodes” of the reboot, a permanent cancellation could come on November 3rd, insiders say.
10/15/20 Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Tell Kavanaugh Which Beer She Prefers in Supreme Court Fridge
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Conflict erupted between Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh after the Supreme Court nominee refused to tell the Justice which brand of beer she wanted him to stock for her in the Court refrigerator.
Kavanaugh, who has made it his job to keep the office fridge supplied with grain-based beverages, called Barrett to determine her preferences and was astonished when she stonewalled.
“She was, like, ‘I’m not going to weigh in on something that contentious,’ and I was, like, ‘You’re shitting me,’ ” Kavanaugh said. “She was not shitting me. I was, like, ‘Dude.’ ”
“I mean, it’s not like I was asking her about some dumb legal case,” he said. “This is important. This is beer.”
Kavanaugh, who identifies his vast private collection of microbrews and I.P.A.s in the Court fridge with masking-tape labels reading “BRETT,” says that his stash is now “strictly off limits” to Barrett.
“If Amy wants a beer and all that’s there is Old Milwaukee, she better not coming crying to me,” he said.
10/14/20 Susan Collins Concerned That Amy Coney Barrett Too Indecisive
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the Supreme Court nominee’s testimony “worrisome,” Senator Susan Collins said that she is concerned that Amy Coney Barrett is too indecisive to sit on the nation’s highest court.
“When she was asked a question, she often appeared hesitant, evasive, and wishy-washy,” Collins said. “That’s no way for a person serving in a high government position to behave.”
The Senator from Maine said that Barrett’s dithering verged on being “annoying and even aggravating.”
“The American people deserve decisiveness from their public officials, not relentless shilly-shallying,” Collins said. “This is the sort of vacillating that makes people despise you.”
Asked whether she would ultimately vote to confirm Barrett, Collins waited for a full minute before responding, “I am deeply troubled and concerned by what I have heard from her to date, but would need to hear more before I could come down one way or another on that.”
10/13/20 Trump Confident He Will Defeat Hillary Clinton
JOHNSTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA (The Borowitz Report)—Brushing aside gloomy predictions, Donald J. Trump said that he would trounce Hillary Clinton in the November election.
“A lot of people don’t think I will beat Hillary, but they should prepare to be wrong,” he said. “I am about to beat her by a landslide.”
Offering a rationale for his prediction, Trump said, “As crooked as Hillary was in 2016, she is even crookeder now. Mike Pompeo is going to release her e-mails, and they’re a disgrace. We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on this.”
Claiming that he beat Clinton in their 2016 debates, Trump noted, “It’s no wonder that Hillary doesn’t want to debate me now. She knows I’d destroy her.”
Trump said that he is “very much looking forward” to the election, because it will give him a chance “to see Hillary crash and burn one more time.”
“When Election Night rolls around, as sure as you’re sitting there, absolutely no one will vote for Hillary Clinton,” he said.
10/12/20 Amy Coney Barrett Supports Health Care Available in Year Constitution Was Written
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that she has been unfairly branded as anti-health care, Amy Coney Barrett testified that she strongly supports all medical treatments that were available in the year the United States Constitution was written.
Like her role model, Antonin Scalia, Barrett said that she considers herself a “strict originalist” and therefore advocates only the health-care practices that the Framers of the Constitution used in 1787.
“For example, the best cure for headaches, fevers, and agues is arsenic, a wondrous elixir prescribed by many a Doctor of Physick,” she said. “ ’Twill serve.”
As for preëxisting conditions, Barrett said that she only acknowledges maladies that preëxisted the late eighteenth century, such as dropsy, King’s Evil, and scrivener’s palsy.
Finally, although Barrett did not reveal whether she would vote to strike down Obamacare, she said that the law should be rewritten so that its lowercase “S”s look more like “f”s.
10/10/20 Ivanka Trump Applies for Job as Biden’s Daughter
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump’s reëlection prospects, Ivanka Trump has applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter.
Trump’s job application, which was leaked to the press on Saturday, included her promise to make Biden’s Presidency “even more successful” than her father’s.
“As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been, I believe Ivanka Biden will be even more awesome,” she wrote.
Trump appeared to have difficulty finding tangible achievements to include on her application, other than “Did not write a tell-all book.”
Finally, she ended her application with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden’s daughter: “You don’t have to take Jared.”
10/8/20 Ben Carson Wondering Where Everyone at White House Has Gone
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, is wondering where everyone at the White House has gone, Carson has confirmed.
Carson showed up unannounced at the White House on Thursday morning, “just to say hi,” and was surprised to find the building virtually deserted.
“I was wondering if there was some holiday I didn’t know about,” Carson said. “I know there are a lot of holidays that Jewish people celebrate this time of year, but that just explains why Jared and Ivanka weren’t there. It’s kind of a head-scratcher.”
The H.U.D. Secretary was also trying to make sense of the presence of cleaning crews throughout the White House, but “couldn’t figure it out.”
“Maybe there was a big party they’re cleaning up after,” he said. “To be honest, I would be kind of hurt if I hadn’t been invited. Unless, of course, it was a party to celebrate one of those Jewish holidays. I’m not Jewish, like Jared and Ivanka. Still, that must have been one heck of a Jewish-holiday party, if that’s what occurred.”
Carson said that he was prepared to accept the mystery of why the White House was deserted. “It’s like the pyramids of Egypt,” he said. “For years, no one knew that they were used to store grain, and then it all became clear. Someday we may know why the White House was deserted. And then it will all make sense.”
10/7/20 Pence Fuming After Kamala Harris Announces Plan to Wear Hazmat Suit
SALT LAKE CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence was reportedly “hopping mad” after Senator Kamala Harris announced that she intends to wear a hazmat suit to Wednesday’s Vice-Presidential debate.
Harris argued that, although she would be twelve feet away from Pence and protected by a plexiglass shield, she was donning the hazmat suit “out of an abundance of caution.”
“The White House is refusing to do contact tracing,” she said. “I don’t know where Mike Pence has been.”
Pence howled in protest at Harris’s move, calling the hazmat suit “political theatre at its most outrageous.”
“I pose no danger to anyone,” he said. “I am a responsible adult, not a child, and Mother agrees with me.”
10/6/20 Pence Grateful That Plexiglass Shield at Debate Will Protect Him from Woman
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence said that he was “extremely grateful” that the organizers of Wednesday night’s Vice-Presidential debate would be providing a plexiglass shield to protect him from a woman.
Speaking to reporters, Pence said that the Commission on Presidential Debates had taken “appropriate measures” to shield him from exposure to a female during the Salt Lake City face-off.
“I’ve read all the relevant literature, and from what I’ve learned a plexiglass shield provides adequate protection from a woman,” he said. “Knowing that this barrier exists between me and a member of the opposite sex, I feel comfortable about moving forward with the debate.”
The Vice-President added that, if he makes it through Wednesday’s debate without being exposed to a woman, he may start bringing a portable plexiglass shield with him on the campaign trail.
“Despite all of my precautions, in my travels across this great land of ours I have unfortunately encountered women,” Pence said. “Plexiglass might be the answer.”
10/1/20 Rule Change for Second Debate Forbids Trump from Attending
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rule change announced on Thursday, the Commission on Presidential Debates said that Donald J. Trump will not be permitted to attend the second debate.
“We took a look at the first debate and decided that we needed to tweak the format a bit,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the commission, said. “We think this rule change fixes everything.”
Anticipating criticism that a debate must have at least two participants, the spokesperson said, “There will be, if you count the moderator.”
To enforce the rule change, the commission will post a photo of Trump at security, but Dorrinson said that he hoped that such a measure would not be necessary.
“If President Trump is listening, we are asking him to stand back, but don’t stand by,” he said.
9/30/20 #2 Biden to Do Remaining Debates by Mail
PITTSBURGH (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the most chaotic Presidential debate in U.S. history, Joe Biden said that he would participate in the remaining two debates by mail.
Campaigning in Pittsburgh, Biden said that he would be happy to answer a series of debate questions and mail his responses to the appropriate venues.
“The moderator can read my answers aloud and then Trump can howl like a damn hyena, for all I care,” Biden said. “The idea that I would spend another ninety minutes of my life listening to that clown—c’mon, man. Life is too short for this horseshit.”
At the White House, Donald J. Trump vehemently opposed Biden’s proposal, claiming that debating by mail was “totally rigged” and rife with fraud.
“If Joe sends in his answers by mail, what’s to keep a mailman from opening the envelope and writing in better answers?” Trump said. “This exact thing has happened millions of times.”
9/30/20 #1 TRUMP SOMEHOW NOT LIKABLE EVEN AFTER BEING COACHED BY CHRIS CHRISTIE AND RUDY GIULIANI
CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump somehow seemed unlikeable and obnoxious in his first 2020 debate performance, despite extensive pre-debate coaching from Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani, campaign staffers have confirmed.
After the debate, staffers were baffled that Trump could appear so off-putting and odious after being prepped by two of the nation’s most beloved and appealing public figures.
“Call it an aura, if you will, or a kind of magic, but Chris and Rudy have that special sauce that makes people want to hug them,” one aide said. “We all thought that, by putting Trump in the same room with them, some of their fairy dust would rub off on him.”
“It didn’t happen,” the aide said. “Chalk it up to the mysteries of politics.”
In the wake of Trump’s abysmal performance, the campaign is replacing Christie and Giuliani as coaches for the second debate. “It’s more important than ever to make Trump likable, and that’s why we’re bringing in Mitch McConnell and Devin Nunes,” the aide said.
9/29/20 Fox News Reports That Biden Paid No Porn Stars
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dropping a bombshell that could radically alter the playing field of the 2020 election, Fox News Channel has reported that Joe Biden paid no porn stars over the past five decades.
Tucker Carlson first reported the stunning revelations on his prime-time show, calling Biden’s history of avoiding paying porn stars “unbecoming of someone seeking the nation’s highest office.”
“We have obtained Joe Biden’s banking records going back to 1973, and there is no evidence—I repeat, no evidence—of any payments to porn stars,” Carlson said. “Joe Biden has a lot of explaining to do.”
At the White House, Donald J. Trump called Biden’s record of not paying porn stars “disgraceful” and claimed that it should disqualify him from serving as President.
“Joe Biden says he’s a man of the people, but this proves he’s a fake,” Trump said. “The average, hard-working American pays thousands to porn stars each year.”
9/28/20 #2 Trump Plans to Use Debate to Deduct Biden as Dependent
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a tax-avoidance strategy that many in the accounting profession have described as “exotic,” Donald J. Trump plans to use the first Presidential debate to deduct Joe Biden as a dependent.
Although the decision to declare Biden—a seventy-seven-year-old political rival to whom he is not related—as a dependent has raised eyebrows, Trump said that he is “well within” his rights to do so.
“The reason Joe is doing well in the polls is because people hate me,” Trump explained. “That means he is totally dependent on me. Did you see that word I used there? Dependent. I’m very smart.”
Trump said that, in addition to wiping out his tax obligations for the year 2020, declaring Biden as his dependent will have other, more immediate, benefits.
“Sleepy Joe won’t be able to talk back to me at the debate, because, legally, he will be my dependent,” Trump said, adding that this strategy has worked splendidly with others he has named as dependents, including Mike Pence, William Barr, and Lindsey Graham.
9/28/20 #1 My Pillow Guy Offers to Lend Trump Fifty Dollars Until Payday
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to help a friend who has fallen on hard times, Mike Lindell, better known as the My Pillow Guy, has offered to loan Donald J. Trump fifty dollars until payday.
Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Lindell said that he also gave Trump a king-size Classic My Pillow, a $69.98 value.
“He doesn’t have to pay me a cent for it,” Lindell said. “If he’s happy with the pillow, he can maybe tweet about it to his followers, but the pillow is his to keep.”
The bedding entrepreneur said that he felt “really good” about his decision to loan fifty dollars to Trump “now that he’s hit a rough patch.”
“I know fifty dollars may not sound like a lot to someone who spent seventy thousand on his hair, but he seemed to really appreciate it,” Lindell said. “Besides, who else would loan him money at this point?”
9/25/20 Obama Proposes Cancelling White House’s Cable to Get Trump to Leave
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As Donald J. Trump refuses to commit to a peaceful transfer of power in January, former President Barack Obama suggested that cancelling the White House’s cable-TV account could induce the President to leave.
“This is a man who enjoys watching television,” Obama told reporters. “What if, on Inauguration Day, he picks up the remote and nothing comes on?”
“This seems like the most peaceful way to get him to go,” Obama said.
Obama also said that, in order to avoid a constitutional crisis, the White House’s supply of Diet Coke could also be cut off, but added, “I don’t think it will come to that.”
“Once it dawns on him that there’s no cable, his days will stretch out before him in a vista of emptiness,” Obama said. “No ‘Fox & Friends.’ No Tucker Carlson. And no Shark Week.”
“He’ll be on the next helicopter out,” Obama predicted.
9/24/20 Amazon Prime Offers to Aid Peaceful Transfer of Power by Shipping Trump Out in Twenty-four Hours
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—In order to ease the peaceful transfer of power this coming January, Amazon has offered its Prime delivery service to ship Donald J. Trump out of the White House within twenty-four hours.
Speaking from his corporate headquarters, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, said that he understood why Trump had misgivings about leaving the White House. “Moving is always hard,” Bezos said. “At Amazon, we want to make Donald Trump’s move as speedy as possible.”
Bezos said that, on Inauguration Day, an Amazon Prime delivery truck will arrive at the White House to prepare Trump for shipping, “free of charge.”
After he has been packed, bar-coded, and scanned into the system, Bezos said, Trump will be expedited to the destination of his choice.
“Amazon Prime guarantees that he will be at Mar-a-Lago within twenty-four hours,” Bezos said, adding that it would take slightly longer if the shipping address is in Moscow.
9/23/20 Democrats Favor Expanding Supreme Court by Adding Entire Obama Family
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A proposal to expand the size of the Supreme Court by adding the entire Obama family is gaining traction among Democratic activists.
Harland Dorrinson, a Democratic insider who is leading the movement to add all four Obamas to the nation’s highest court, cited a recent poll showing that ninety-eight per cent of Democratic voters favor the proposal, with a possible polling error of two points.
Acknowledging that the Obamas “already have a lot on their plates,” the activist asserted that serving on the Court could be worked into the family’s busy schedule.
“The Supreme Court only meets about nine months out of the year,” Dorrinson said. “That would give the Obamas plenty of time to do their Netflix and podcast stuff.”
While the presence of Sasha and Malia Obama on the Supreme Court is bound to stir controversy because of their youth, Dorrinson said, “There is a consensus among Democrats that you can never have too many Obamas.”
Dorrinson cautioned, however, that adding the entire Obama family to the Supreme Court is only a “first step” in the Democrats’ ultimate vision of judicial reform.
“The plan is to expand the Supreme Court to thirty Justices, so four Obamas just get you partway there,” he said.
9/22/20 #2 Merrick Garland Sitting in Parked Car in Mitch McConnell’s Driveway
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Merrick Garland is sitting in a parked car in Mitch McConnell’s driveway, hoping for a meeting with the Senate Majority Leader, Garland has confirmed.
Garland, who has been sitting in his Nissan Sentra in McConnell’s driveway since Monday, said that he is “encouraged” by recent developments indicating that Republicans have changed their minds about confirming a Supreme Court Justice during an election year.
“Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham thought it was a terrible idea in 2016, but for whatever reason they’ve really come around,” he said. “All I can say is, playing the waiting game is about to pay off big time for one Merrick Garland.”
Garland, who has not seen McConnell enter or leave his home since the judge first parked his Sentra in the driveway, was baffled by speculation that the Kentucky senator has been hiding in his kitchen to avoid an encounter with him.
“That makes zero sense to me,” Garland said. “If I’m going to be confirmed before the election, we’ve got to get going on this thing.”
9/22/20 #1 Trump Suspected of Altering C.D.C. Web Site After C.D.C. Is Misspelled
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was accused of altering the content on the C.D.C. Web site, after a post appeared in which C.D.C. was misspelled.
The post in question urged visitors to stop visiting the C.D.C site for coronavirus guidance because “there’s a lot that scientists don’t know, O.K.?”
“There will be a vaccine very, very soon, and even if there isn’t, the virus will disappear like magic,” the post continued. “We are doing a phenomenal job and deserve an A-plus, quite frankly. Sincerely, the W.W.E.”
At the agency’s headquarters, Dr. Robert Redfield struggled to explain why the C.D.C. had referred to itself by the initials of World Wrestling Entertainment.
“We are working hard internally to make sure that, going forward, everyone at the C.D.C. knows how to spell C.D.C.,” he said.
Redfield declined to respond to a reporter who asked why several words on the site were randomly capitalized and his name was listed as “Dr. Robert Rovfefe.”
9/21/20 Kavanaugh Warns That Expanding Size of Supreme Court Would Require More Kegs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to speculation that Democrats might seek to expand the size of the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh warned that doing so would require an increased number of kegs.
Kavanaugh expressed concern that increasing the number of Supreme Court Justices without acquiring additional kegs might result in a “replay of the regrettable Beach Week incident.”
“One time during Beach Week, I was throwing this rad party with P.J. and Squee,” he said. “Out of nowhere, Tobin shows up and brings four of his friends.”
“Well, that would have been fine if Tobin’s friends drank a normal amount, but those dudes liked to party,” he said. “It was a classic Tobin move.”
Kavanaugh said that expanding the size of the Court without a commensurate increase in kegs would set “a very dangerous precedent.”
“If the new Justices are anything like Tobin’s buds, the situation will be heinous,” he said.
9/20/20 Trump Says Supreme Court Nominee Will Be Woman, Person, Camera, or TV
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump dropped a major hint about his upcoming Supreme Court pick by telling supporters that his nominee will be a woman, person, camera, or TV.
“I will choose a woman,” Trump roared at a rally in North Carolina, adding, “person, camera, TV.”
According to White House sources, Trump has already drawn up a short list of potential nominees, including Amy Coney Barrett, the Canon Sure Shot Z115, and the Samsung Q900TS QLED 8K UHD HDR Smart TV.
The uproar engulfing Trump’s plan to nominate a Supreme Court Justice before the election only grew louder with the revelation that he was considering an inanimate object for the job.
Senator Mitch McConnell, however, brushed off the controversy. “If the President nominates a camera or a TV, we’ll ram it through,” he said.
9/17/20 Trump Claims Dog Ate His Health-Care Plan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s promise to release a long-delayed health-care plan hit a snag when his dog ate the only existing copy of the plan, the President disclosed.
“I left the plan on my desk, and somehow the dog got up there and ate it,” he said. “It’s a bad dog, quite frankly.”
Trump’s explanation met with raised eyebrows from the White House press corps, none of whom had been previously aware that the President had a dog.
Asked to describe the dog, Trump said, “It has, you know, paws, and fur, and that head that dogs have. It’s a very basic dog that you would see.”
Pressed to reveal the dog’s name, Trump said, “I didn’t name it, because I don’t name dogs unless they do a good job. I’m not like Obama, who named every dog he got. I wish Obama’s dog had eaten Obamacare. We wouldn’t be in this mess.”
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, later announced that Trump’s dog would be taking an indefinite leave of absence.
9/16/20 Scientists Believe Congressional Republicans Have Developed Herd Mentality
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Researchers at the University of Minnesota believe that Republican members of Congress have obtained “extremely high” levels of herd mentality, a new study shows.
According to the study, the researchers found that, in obtaining herd mentality, the G.O.P. lawmakers have developed “near-total immunity” to damning books, news reports, and audio tapes.
Herd mentality was observed in congressional Republicans from every region of the country, with the exception of one senator from Utah, Mitt Romney, who was deemed an outlier and therefore statistically insignificant.
Davis Logsdon, the scientist who supervised the study, said that Republicans were exhibiting herd mentality to a degree never before observed in humans.
“Herd mentality at these levels historically has appeared only in other mammal species, like lemmings,” the researcher said.
9/15/20 Trump Says Earth Will Cool Down If Everyone Just Turns On Air-Conditioning
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting “dumb scientists for not thinking of this before,” Donald J. Trump said that the planet would cool down “right away” if everyone would just turn on the air-conditioning.
“Scientists go around with their lab coats and test tubes and act like the planet is burning up,” he said. “I guess those beauties have never thought of turning on the A.C.”
“Air-conditioning is the answer,” he said. “It’s the hydroxychloroquine of climate.”
Arguing that his theory was “based on math,” Trump illustrated what would happen to the planet’s temperature if people around the world all turned on the air-conditioning at the exact same time.
“Let’s say two billion people each turned down the A.C. four degrees,” he said. “Just like that, the planet would be eight billion degrees cooler.”
Trump disclosed that he did not come up with this mathematical equation all by himself, acknowledging the assistance of the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.
9/14/20 Trump Accuses Biden of Using Performance-Enhancing Books
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “people are saying there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump claimed that the former Vice-President Joe Biden is using “performance-enhancing books.”
Pointing to Biden’s strong performances in the Vice-Presidential debates of 2008 and 2012, Trump alleged, “It’s clear that he was under the influence of books.”
“Every time he got asked a question, he pulled facts out of thin air,” Trump said. “You can’t do that unless you’re pumped up on books.”
Trump warned that, unless he is caught, Biden will try to use performance-enhancing books before the Presidential debates, which start later this month, and urged that both candidates be tested for books before the contest.
“I have no problem with being tested,” Trump declared. “I am a hundred per cent book-free.”
9/13/20 P.A. System at Trump Rally Accidentally Blasts Woodward Tapes
MINDEN, NEVADA (The Borowitz Report)—Questions arose after the P.A. system at a Trump rally in Nevada accidentally blasted excerpts from Bob Woodward’s interviews with the President.
As supporters streamed into the rally, the customary sounds of such classic rock songs as “Fortunate Son” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” were supplanted by audio of Trump acknowledging that the coronavirus was far deadlier than a flu.
After Trump was heard revealing the details of a previously secret weapons program, campaign aides frantically disconnected the P.A. system and started scrambling for an explanation.
“We have no idea how this happened,” one aide said. “Jared was in charge of the playlist.”
Unlike artists like John Fogerty and the Rolling Stones, Woodward said that he wholeheartedly endorsed the Trump campaign’s use of his recordings at its rallies.
“If the people at these rallies watch Fox News, this might be the only way they hear these tapes,” Woodward said.
Click here for one article for one article related to this next report regarding why Trump agreed to do all those interviews on the record with Bob Woodward.
9/11/20 Trump Agrees to Be Interviewed for New Book by Joe Biden
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that surprised many political insiders, Donald J. Trump has agreed to be interviewed for a new book by Joe Biden.
According to Biden, the book will be “an in-depth examination of the Trump Presidency, with special emphasis on his handling of the coronavirus pandemic and his comments about the military.”
Trump said that, when Biden approached him about the book project, “I moved on it very strongly.”
“This is a fantastic opportunity for me, quite frankly,” Trump said. “It’s going to be a major book, and I think Joe is going to make me look really good in it.”
Asked about the logistics of the interview, Trump said, “Joe told me to call him up late at night and just start rambling. This is the kind of thing I’m really, really good at, because I’m very smart.”
Biden’s book, titled “Don’t Vote for Donald Trump,” is set to go on sale a week before the election.
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9/10/20 Kayleigh McEnany Claims No One Has Worked Harder Than Trump to Protect Americans from Facts
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a full-throated defense of Donald J. Trump’s coronavirus response, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said on Thursday that no one has worked harder than the President to protect the American people from facts.
“President Trump had the facts about the coronavirus as early as February,” she told reporters. “If he had not taken bold and swift action, those facts could have spread like wildfire.”
She drew a sharp contrast between the United States and countries such as South Korea and New Zealand, “where facts have spread out of control.
“It all comes down to leadership,” she said.
McEnany added that Trump’s war on facts was “far from over,” calling it a “daily struggle.”
“This President has worked tirelessly, every day, to prevent facts from being transmitted to the American people, and on Election Day the American people will repay him for that,” she said.
9/10/20 Trump’s Agreeing to Talk to Woodward Shows Downside of Never Having Read a Book in Entire Life
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s decision to talk to Bob Woodward demonstrates the downside of never having read a book in his entire life, experts say.
While millions of Americans were astonished that Trump would voluntarily speak at great length to an author famous for his takedowns of Presidents, experts believe that a total obliviousness to books and what is inside them might have played a pivotal role.
Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota professor who studies the psychology of people who have never read a book in their lives, said that such people might be overconfident about how they would be portrayed if a book were ever written about them.
“If you’ve never read a book in your life, you might be under the impression that all books are flattering,” he said. “You would have no idea that a book could portray you as a human dumpster fire.”
As for Trump, Logsdon said that the President would “definitely benefit” from reading a book someday, but added, “It’s a little late for that now.”
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9/9/20 Department of Justice to Pick Up Trump’s Laundry
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that many in the legal profession and laundry industry called unprecedented, Attorney General William Barrannounced that the Department of Justice will start picking up Donald J. Trump’s dry cleaning, effective immediately.
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Justice, Barr said that the D.O.J. would assume full responsibility for dropping off and picking up “items including but not limited to President Trump’s shirts, suits, slacks, socks, and undergarments.”
Congressional Democrats howled in protest at Barr’s decision, arguing that taxpayers’ money should not be used to pick up laundry items that were purchased while Trump was a private citizen.
But Barr pushed back against that criticism, claiming that “the legal principle in question is not when the President purchased these items but when he stained them.”
To illustrate his point, Barr held up one of Trump’s red ties and indicated a clearly visible mustard stain—which, the Attorney General claimed, the tie suffered last week.
At that point, Barr abruptly ended his press conference, stating that he had to get Trump’s brown loafers reheeled.
9/9/20 Trump Threatens to Move to Suburbs If Biden Wins
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to stoke suburban voters’ deepest fears, Donald Trump has threatened to move to the suburbs if Joe Biden wins the November election.
Issuing the terrifying ultimatum in a series of seventy-four tweets, Trump warned that, if he relocates, “Your beautiful suburbs will be destroyed forever.”
Forcing suburban voters to imagine the horrific reality of having him live next door, Trump tweeted, “If you wonder what kind of neighbor I would be, just ask Canada and Mexico.”
“I will treat my front lawn like a driving range,” he threatened. “Don’t park your car on the street unless you want your windshield cracked.”
“Since I don’t believe in global warming, I won’t be recycling,” he added. “I’ll just toss my empty Diet Cokes over the fence and into your yard.”
Saving his most chilling threat for last, Trump warned, “When I move to the suburbs, I will be taking Don, Jr., and Kimberly Guilfoyle with me. So you can kiss your precious peace and quiet goodbye, suburban suckers and losers.”
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9/8/20 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Lends Her Impeccable Reputation for Honesty and Credibility to Defending Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Refuting reports that her former boss disparaged fallen soldiers, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has lent her impeccable reputation for honesty and credibility to defending Donald J. Trump.
White House officials breathed a deep sigh of relief after Sanders, widely considered one of the most trustworthy and sincere figures in the nation, called the allegations “malicious lies.”
“If the comments attributed to the President have alarmed any voters, Sarah’s vouching for him should put an end to that,” one aide said. “When it comes to truth-telling, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is the gold standard.”
The aide said that Sanders’s candid and straight-shooting performances at the White House podium made her legendary as “one of the most honest people ever to work in this building.”
“People talk about George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but Sarah Huckabee Sanders has to be in that conversation, too,” he said.
The aide said he hoped that Sanders’s repudiation of the damning claims will encourage other beacons of truth to come forward to defend Trump. “If Kellyanne Conway speaks out, we’re golden,” he said.
9/3/20 Trump Urged to Take Improv Class to Make His Invented Stories Richer in Detail
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump should take an improv class to make the stories that he creates out of thin air richer in detail, a leading improv expert advised.
Harland Dorrinson, a founding member of Yes/And TheatreWorks, the legendary improv group in St. Louis, said that a grounding in improv would help Trump craft stories that “at least sound like they could be true.”
Dorrinson said that he recently watched a scene performed by Trump and Laura Ingraham, of Fox News, that demonstrated just how much the President could benefit from taking a beginners’ improv workshop.
“Laura Ingraham was giving him great prompts, but he didn’t build on them,” he said. “She asked him to describe the thugs on planes, and he had nothing.”
“He said that they were wearing ‘dark uniforms, black uniforms with gear and this and that,’ ” Dorrinson said. “Then he said that they came from ‘a certain city’ and that he heard all of this from ‘a person.’ If you did an improv that lazy on our stage, the audience would demand its money back.”
Despite his criticism, Dorrinson believes that Trump “has what it takes” to be a solid improv performer.
“He has a wild imagination and a truly demented stage presence, but he needs to get serious and put in the work,” he said.
9/3/20 Trump Blasts Supporters Who Plan to Vote for Him Only Once
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a withering critique of his own voters, Donald J. Trump on Thursday blasted supporters who plan to vote for him only once.
Speaking to reporters, Trump called supporters who intend to cast only one vote for him “disgracefully low-energy,” claiming that they are “like Jeb Bush and Sleepy Joe put together.”
“I like supporters who have stamina,” he said. “Stamina means you keep voting for me until someone tells you to stop.”
He said that voters should vote for him once by mail, again in person, and “maybe even more than that.”
“Let’s say you vote in person,” he said. “Go away, put a mustache or wig on, and try to vote again.”
Asked about the legality of Trump’s suggestions, Attorney General Bill Barr said, “As Attorney General, I try to stay out of things involving laws.”
9/2/20 Trump Claims That Sleepy Person With No Energy Will Somehow Be Peppy Enough to Destroy Entire Country
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump claimed on Wednesday that Joe Biden is “incredibly sleepy” and has “zero energy,” yet somehow is peppy enough to destroy life in the United States as we know it.
Speaking to Sean Hannity on Fox News, Trump attempted to explain the apparent contradiction between a person being barely sentient yet capable of singlehandedly dismantling a global superpower.
“Sleepy Joe is practically unconscious and almost doesn’t have a pulse,” Trump said. “But that’s because he has put his entire body into hibernation, like a bear.”
Trump went on to say that he had seen a documentary about bears on Animal Planet “that was so scary, every voter needs to see it.”
“This bear hibernated all winter, but then, when he woke up, he had enough energy to rip a hiker’s face off,” he said. “Just you watch. Joe Biden is conserving his energy right now, but, as sure as you’re sitting there, the minute he takes office he will rip this country’s face off.”
Trump said that, in November, the American people face a stark choice. “It’s between me, their favorite President, and an angry bear who hasn’t eaten in months,” he said.
9/1/20 Trump Says He Deserves No Blame for State of America Because He Has Not Actually Worked for Past Four Years
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against attempts to brand the United States of 2020 as “Trump’s America,” Donald Trump said that he deserves no blame for the state of the country, because he has not actually done any work for the past four years.
“I could understand people blaming me for things if I had actually been doing my job, but, quite frankly, I haven’t,” he said. “Anybody who claims otherwise is a terrible person.”
“CNN, which is a disgrace, says that it’s the White House’s fault for this and the White House’s fault for that,” he added. “Well, I’ve hardly been at the White House, so, once again, they’re wrong.”
Attempting to answer the question of whose America it is, if not his, Trump said, “The last President who actually worked at the White House was Barack Obama. So if this is anybody’s America it’s his and Sleepy Joe’s. People are saying that. They’re sick of living in Biden’s America, and we cannot give Joe Biden another four years.”
He rejected any suggestion that, as President, he must own the current conditions in America, asserting, “I know what I own and what I don’t own. I own Bill Barr. I own Mitch McConnell. I don’t own America.”
8/31/20 Concerned Citizens Urge Trump to Stay Away from United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s plans to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin, hit a snag on Monday, after millions of concerned Americans wrote a letter urging him to stay away from the United States.
In the letter, the Americans told Trump that his “message of hatred and intolerance” is not welcome in their country.
“What the United States needs now is calm, and your presence here would be counterproductive to achieving that,” the letter continued. “Please stay away.”
Although Trump has issued many travel bans since taking office, the letter appears to be the first effort that directly targets him.
When asked for Trump’s response to the letter, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said, “President Trump does not have a policy of reading.”
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8/29/20 Trump Says He Could Beat LeBron James in a Dunk Contest If Not for Bone Spurs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump escalated his war of words with LeBron James on Saturday by saying that he could defeat the N.B.A. star in a dunk contest were it not for bone spurs.
“I’ve seen LeBron James on TV, and, quite frankly, I don’t think he’s very good at basketball,” Trump said. “The media is very unfairly biased in favor of him because he’s a Democrat, and I think it’s a disgrace.”
“You look at LeBron and sometimes when he shoots the ball, it doesn’t go into the basket,” he said. “If I try to drink a glass of water and miss my mouth, it’s all CNN talks about.”
Trump said that it was “very sad” that his bone spurs would keep him from showing off his slam-dunk form, which he called “poetry in motion.”
“A lot of people are saying that I’m better at dunking than that beauty LeBron,” he said. “A lot of very smart people.”
At the N.B.A. bubble, in Orlando, James responded that he understood that the President’s foot woes would prevent him from participating in a dunk contest, but said that he would be happy to face Trump in a spelling contest.
8/28/20 Ivanka Trump Beseeches American People: “I Can’t Get a Job Anywhere Else”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to humanize her father’s reëlection campaign, an emotional Ivanka Trump used her R.N.C. speech to reveal to the American people, “I can’t get a job anywhere else.”
“The past few years have been super rough for me, ever since my shoe company went south,” she confided. “I thought the shoes were pretty, and I was really surprised when no one wanted to wear them. They’re all in storage at Mar-a-lago, and we can’t give them away.”
Speaking movingly of her father, Trump said, “He gave me a job when no one else in the world would.”
Expounding on her father’s benevolence, she added, “And, while we’re on the subject of jobs, do you honestly think that anyone else in the world would hire Jared as a senior adviser? No way.”
Capping her emotional pitch, Trump said, “I am begging you, my fellow-Americans, to please give Jared and me four more years to get our shit figured out. After that, we swear we’ll move out and look for real jobs.”
8/27/20 Trump Warns That Biden Presidency Would Mean Regular Mail Service and Sports
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an apocalyptic vision of life under his Democratic rival, Donald Trump will warn on Thursday night that a Biden Presidency would mean regular mail service and sports.
An advance copy of Trump’s final R.N.C. speech reveals that Trump will paint an ominous picture of a nation living under the tyranny of uninterrupted postal delivery and athletic events.
“Joe Biden and his left-wing puppet masters will take whatever measures they deem necessary to insure that the mail is delivered in a timely fashion,” he will warn. “Biden and his radical henchwomen, Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will stop at nothing to make that nightmare a reality.”
Additionally, Trump will charge, “If Joe Biden is allowed to wipe out the pandemic and institute police reforms, professional sports will be played like never before.”
“No city will be safe from sports,” he will add.
Trump will end his relentlessly downbeat speech on a note of optimism, however. “Only one thing can protect America from the sinister threat of mail and sports,” he will declare. “Me.”
8/26/20 Hundreds of R.N.C. Attendees Test Positive for Delusion
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—An outbreak hit the 2020 Republican National Convention this week as hundreds of attendees tested positive for delusion.
While public-health experts have yet to determine the extent of the outbreak, the episodes of attendees exhibiting magical thinking bordering on the hallucinatory appear to be widespread.
Davis Logsdon, who studies delusional epidemics at the University of Minnesota’s School of Medicine, said that multiple R.N.C. participants professed to see things “that are not actually there,” such as a strong economy, a successful coronavirus response, and an immigration policy brimming with kindness.
In another worrying symptom, Logsdon said that attendees who tested positive were unable to see things that were clearly in their line of vision. “One participant on Monday was shouting for more than six minutes despite the presence of a microphone inches away from her,” he said.
While scientists tried to get their arms around the extent of the outbreak, containing the spread of delusion at the R.N.C. will be “challenging,” Logsdon warned.
“The most successful treatment for delusion is facts, and these patients have built up an immunity to those over the course of many years,” he said.
8/25/20 Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”
“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”
Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.
“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.
She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said.
8/24/20 Bannon Selling Ten-Thousand-Dollar Passes to View Live Stream of Republican Convention
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—In what he is calling “the opportunity of a lifetime,” Steve Bannon is offering an exclusive ten-thousand-dollar pass to view a live stream of the 2020 Republican National Convention.
The pass, which Bannon is marketing as the magaViewPass™, will offer customers “a one-of-a-kind chance to see the R.N.C. live, as it happens,” according to his promotional Web site.
“With the magaViewPass™, you’ll be able to bring the excitement of the R.N.C. into your own home, as you experience the pageantry of the Republican National Convention on your TV, tablet, or phone,” the Web site promises.
Additionally, Bannon’s site claims, those who purchase the magaViewPass™ will get “unprecedented access” to live speeches by Vice-President Mike Pence, Melania Trump, and “Donald J. Trump himself.”
“You won’t see these amazing speeches anywhere else,” the site boasts.
The magaViewPass™ site asserts that “nearly one hundred per cent” of proceeds will be donated to Trump’s reëlection effort, with a small fraction covering miscellaneous expenses, including but not limited to Bannon’s bail.
8/24/20 Republican National Convention to Air on Syfy Channel
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—The 2020 Republican National Convention will make history this week when it airs on Syfy for the first time ever.
Harland Dorrinson, a programming executive for the science-fiction channel, called the 2020 R.N.C. a “perfect fit for Syfy.”
“We’d been looking for some fresh science fiction/fantasy programming to spice up our summer schedule,” he said. “We feel like we’ve hit the motherlode.”
Previewing the science-fiction scenarios that the R.N.C. will likely feature, he said, “We’re hoping that Trump unveils some of his amazing mad-scientist potions and Pence does something cool about Space Force. The whole show is very on brand for us.”
The decision to broadcast the R.N.C., however, drew howls of protest from Syfy viewers who were furious to see the Convention preëmpt their favorite programs.
“The Republican National Convention does not belong on Syfy,” one irate viewer complained. “Science fiction has to be at least based on science.”
8/21/20 Trump Calls Biden’s Pro-Empathy Message Offensive to Sociopaths
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “hurtful and insulting,” Donald J. Trump on Friday said that Joe Biden’s pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “deeply offensive” to the nation’s sociopaths.
Blasting Biden’s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric, Trump said that the “roomful of sociopaths” with whom he watched the speech found it “alienating and divisive.”
“I was watching with Jared, Stephen Miller, and Mitch McConnell, and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff, we all felt very alone,” he said. “He said that he wants to be a President for all Americans, but I guess that doesn’t include sociopaths.”
Calling Biden “a puppet of compassionate extremists,” he demanded that the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country.
“Sociopaths have feelings, just not for other people,” he said.
8/20/20 Trump Fails Cognitive Test When Asked to Remember Steve Bannon
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s stellar reputation for mental acuity took a hit on Thursday when he failed a cognitive test in which he was asked to remember Steve Bannon.
According to the White House physician, Trump was shown several pictures and asked to identify them, including ones of a woman, a man, a camera, a TV, and Steve Bannon.
“He nailed woman, man, camera, and TV but drew a blank when it came to Steve Bannon,” the physician said. “He said he was unfamiliar with that picture and could not remember ever seeing that person before.”
After repeated attempts to jog Trump’s memory concerning the identity of Steve Bannon, including writing the name Steve Bannon on a notecard and showing it to him, the physician gave up trying.
On a positive note, the physician said, Trump’s cognition appeared to improve later in the morning, when he was able to block Steve Bannon on Twitter, Facebook, and his phone.
8/20/20 Obama Renews Lease Inside Trump’s Head
PHILADELPHIA (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama announced on Wednesday night that he had renewed his lease inside Donald Trump’s head.
Obama, who took up residence in Trump’s head during the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, said that his new lease will run until November 3rd of this year.
“I’ve enjoyed living there for the past nine years,” Obama said. “It’s really the only Trump property I’d ever consider staying in.”
He confirmed reports that, as of Monday night, his wife, Michelle Obama, had also taken up residence in Trump’s head.
“Fortunately, there’s plenty of room for both of us,” he said.
8/19/20 Melania to Deliver Convention Speech from Empty Classroom at Trump University
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a great idea I just had,” Melania Trump said on Wednesday morning that she would deliver her Republican National Convention speech from an empty classroom at Trump University.
Trump said that, to set the stage for her speech, she would stroll down the hallway of the now shuttered educational institution before settling in at a desk in one of its many disused classrooms.
She indicated that she would use the intimate setting to talk about the many personal challenges that her husband, Donald J. Trump, has faced in his life.
“There was that very sad day when he found out that he had bone spurs and could not serve in Vietnam,” she said. “But he somehow stood tall and went on to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from his father.”
Trump added that, if her husband is reëlected, she hopes that the halls of Trump University “will be full once again with the happy pitter-patter of students hoping to make fortunes in real estate.”
“That be best,” she said.
8/18/20 Susan B. Anthony Begs Trump Not to Pardon Her: “I Don’t Want to Be on a Wikipedia Page with Roger Stone”
HEAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare utterance from beyond the grave, Susan B. Anthony on Tuesday begged Donald J. Trump not to pardon her, stating, “I don’t want to be on the same Wikipedia page as Roger Stone.”
Noting that an entire Wikipedia page had been created to record the people to whom Trump had granted executive clemency, Anthony said, “It wasn’t exactly my dream to wind up on the same list as a guy with a Nixon tattoo on his back.”
In a further expression of horror, Anthony told Trump, “Plus, pardoning me would mean that you would now be on my Wikipedia page. I am physically shuddering up here.”
Anthony noted that it was “super ironic” that Trump planned to pardon her on the same day that he blasted Michelle Obama. “It would be cool if you were as nice to historic women who are still alive as you are to dead ones,” she said.
8/17/20 Harris Tells Trump She Cannot Send Him Birth Certificate Without Postal Service
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An apologetic Kamala Harris told Donald J. Trump on Monday that she will be unable to provide him with a certified copy of her birth certificate in the absence of a fully functioning postal service.
“In order to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, I have to send a letter to the California Department of Public Health,” she said. “That is really tricky to do without a mailbox.”
If the C.D.P.H. somehow receives her letter, Senator Harris said, “it will then have to mail my birth certificate back to me—again, a difficult task if there is no mail.”
Harris informed Trump that, if by some miracle she were to receive her birth certificate in the mail, “I would then have to mail it to you. Again, not easy.”
The senator said that she was “deeply sorry” that the United States Postal Service’s funding problems would make getting her birth certificate to Trump so challenging.
“I know that the question of my birth has been a cause of great distress to you,” she said. “I would do anything to ease your mind about this issue.”
She concluded her letter by saying that she was unsure whether her letter would ever arrive.
8/16/20 Bill Barr Injures Back While Trying to Lift Mailbox Into Truck
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr suffered what was described as a “severe back strain” while trying to lift a mailbox into a pickup truck on Saturday.
According to Barr, he tried to give the mailbox “one good yank” to heave it into the truck, when he heard “something go pop” in his back.
“I remember thinking, Hoo, boy, that’s not good,” Barr said.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the injury to Barr was “disgraceful” and yet another argument against mail-in voting.
“How can we expect the Postal Service to run a fair election when a mailbox almost killed poor Bill Barr?” he asked. “It’s something we’re going to be looking into very strongly.”
As for Barr, who is recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the Attorney General acknowledged that lifting mailboxes was “probably a two-man job,” and said that next time he would get Mike Pence to help.
8/15/20 Trump Questions Whether Oakland Is Located in United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Saturday by questioning whether the city of Oakland was located in the United States of America.
“Some very smart people are wondering about that,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “It’s something that needs to be looked into.”
Trump explained that Oakland was “probably a completely different country,” because “a lot of countries end in the word ‘land.’ ”
“You’ve got countries like Ireland, Iceland, and Greenland,” he said. “So you probably would have to add a country like Oakland to that list.”
Trump’s suffix-based theory of countries drew a question from one of the reporters present, CNN’s Jim Acosta.
“Portland also ends in ‘land,’ ” Acosta said. “Does that mean that, when you sent federal troops to Portland, you were invading a foreign country?”
“No, that means you’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
8/14/20 Obama Hurt By Trump’s Reuse of Birther Strategy: “I Thought It Was a Special Thing Between Him and Me”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Friday that he was “deeply saddened” to hear Donald J. Trump reuse his racist birther strategy this week, stating, “I thought that it was a special thing between him and me.”
His voice cracking with emotion, Obama said that, during all the years Trump launched birther attacks against him, “I was under the impression that he was crafting those lies for me and me alone.”
“I guess I was wrong,” he said wistfully.
Hearing Trump employ identical slurs against someone new “cheapened the memory of our years together,” Obama said.
“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt,” he added.
Obama also had words of warning for Senator Kamala Harris. “Don’t make the mistake I made and think that he really cares about where you were born,” he said. “Eventually, he’ll just move on and question the birthplace of someone else. I found out the hard way.”
8/13/20 TRUMP ACCUSES KAMALA HARRIS OF MALICIOUSLY SPEAKING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown of Joe Biden’s running mate, Donald Trump on Thursday accused Senator Kamala Harris of maliciously speaking in complete sentences.
Blasting her penchant for hewing to the rules of grammar, Trump said, “A lot of people are saying, mean, nasty, disrespectful. To a new level, like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Sad,” he said. “Sick and sad.”
Trump also was contemptuous of Biden, noting, “Sleepy Joe—something’s going on.”
“Quite frankly,” he added.
In his most withering criticism, Trump suggested that Harris’s stubborn insistence on making subjects agree with verbs was an insult to every American voter.
8/12/20 Harris’s Approval Rating Soars After Trump Reminds Nation How “Nasty” She Was to Kavanaugh
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Kamala Harris saw her approval rating soar on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump reminded the American people that she had been “nasty” to Brett Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings.
In interviews across the country, voters expressed gratitude to Trump for reminding them that Harris had been responsible for one of their favorite televised moments in recent history.
“When Trump said that she had been ‘nasty’ to Kavanaugh, I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, said. “It really holds up.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Wichita, Kansas, agreed. “Watching Kamala Harris own Kavanaugh made me happy for weeks,” he said. “I have to thank Trump for making that happy memory come flooding back.”
Canter Lisson, who lives in Portland, Maine, also appreciated being reminded of Harris’s demolition of Kavanaugh, but he sounded a wistful note.
“It’s too bad that, if she’s elected Vice-President, she won’t have many opportunities to be ‘nasty’ to Brett Kavanaugh,” he said. “Still, I’ll always be grateful for the one time I saw her be ‘nasty’ to him. It gave me a reason to live.”
8/11/20 Trump Praises Woodrow Wilson for Opposing Online Learning During 1918 Pandemic
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare instance of praising one of his White House predecessors, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday hailed Woodrow Wilson for opposing efforts to institute online learning during the 1918 pandemic.
“There were a lot of crybabies in 1918 saying, ‘The schools aren’t safe—let the kids learn on their computers,’ ” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Woody wouldn’t hear of it.”
Instead, Trump said, “Kids went to school and the influenza just kind of disappeared eventually. Woody did a fantastic job.”
Trump added that, during the 1918 pandemic, “The hallways of schools were jammed with kids. I wish one of those kids had taken a picture with his phone so we could see it today.”
Wilson’s opposition to online learning inspired Trump to demand in-person schooling for all American children, he revealed.
“It’s important for them to be in school so they can be as knowledgeable about history as I am,” he said. “The pandemic of 1918 was one of the main causes of the War of 1812.”
8/10/20 Trump Signs New Executive Order Granting Himself Unemployment Check in January
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on Monday by signing an executive order granting himself a million-dollar unemployment check if he leaves office in January.
Trump said that he will deserve the seven-figure check if the election is “stolen” by what he called “a conspiracy between the U.S. Postal Service and Antifa.”
In a further defense of the huge payment, Trump said, “If I’m out of a job, Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., will be, too.”
The executive order immediately drew howls of protest from congressional Democrats, as well as from the Republican senator Ben Sasse, who called it “a steaming pile of constitutional crap.”
Unmoved, Trump called the Nebraska senator “Poor Li’l Sassy” and argued that the executive order was a “work of genius” that should guarantee him a place on Mt. Rushmore.
“Those beauties like Lincoln and Jefferson never thought of anything this smart,” he said. “They would be lucky if I let my head be carved out of the same rock as theirs.”
8/10/20 Trump Accuses Biden of Dragging out V.P. Search Instead of Picking First Clown Who Says Yes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ridiculed Joe Biden on Monday for dragging out his search for a running mate instead of “picking the first clown who says yes.”
“Sleepy Joe is wasting time with all this vetting,” Trump told reporters. “Just pick someone who’s totally desperate.”
“Find an elected official who doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting reëlected in his home state,” he said. “He’ll be overjoyed that you saved him from the junk heap.”
Additionally, Trump said, one should choose a Vice-Presidential candidate “who’s so hopeless, he couldn’t get a real job if he tried.”
“The more pathetic he is, the better,” the President said.
Trump noted that choosing a candidate who is “terrified he’ll never work again” has major benefits if one ultimately makes it to the White House.
“He’ll spend the next four years sucking up to you like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump said. “It’s a beautiful thing.”
8/8/20 Americans Oppose More Payments to Man Who Is Not Working
[Imagine there is a photo of Mitch McConnell right here.]
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who has not been working during the coronavirus crisis.
According to reports, the man has been receiving a weekly check amounting to over three thousand dollars for doing nothing, all at taxpayers’ expense.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse, called the payments to this non-working individual “nothing short of scandalous.”
“If you do the math, he is receiving checks that add up to $174,000 a year,” Dorrinson said. “Under those circumstances, what is his incentive to work?”
Dorrinson said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “immediately” and sent to someone who is providing essential services during the pandemic, like a health-care worker or first responder.
As for the Kentucky man, Dorrinson said, “It’s time for him to stop living off the government and show some personal responsibility.”
8/6/20 Trump Considering Replacing Pence with Confederate Statue
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.
According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.
Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.
“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.
According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reëlection effort.
“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.
8/5/20 Americans Support Using U.S. Postal Service to Ship Trump to Different Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a major vote of confidence for the embattled agency, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans support using the United States Postal Service to ship Donald Trump to a new address in January.
While it has become a tradition for outgoing Presidents to depart 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue via helicopter, Americans “strongly agree” that using the U.S. Mail to remove Trump would be preferable, the poll finds.
Americans agreed that, after a new President is inaugurated, on January 20th, Trump should be left on the curb outside the White House for pickup by a local mail carrier.
Additionally, there was a strong consensus for sending Trump to his new address via Priority Mail Express to insure that he is dispatched as quickly as possible.
Although Americans were divided as to what Trump’s new address should be, there was substantial support for overnighting him to Cyrus Vance, Jr., the New York County District Attorney.
8/4/20 Americans Insanely Jealous of Spain After Corrupt Head of State Flees Country
MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are insanely jealous of Spain after its disgraced former head of state Juan Carlos announced on Monday that he was fleeing the country.
In interviews across the U.S., Americans expressed dismay and frustration that multiple criminal investigations were “all it took” for the former Spanish ruler to voluntarily leave Spain forever.
“So wait, in Spain, if a leader is being investigated for financial crimes and tax evasion, he just writes a letter saying goodbye and then he leaves?” Carol Foyler, who lives in Topeka, Kansas, said. “Whoa.”
Tracy Klugian, who hails from Butte, Montana, harbored similar feelings of jealousy when he learned of Juan Carlos’s self-exile. “So, basically, the people of Spain will never have to see or hear from this corrupt narcissist again?” he said. “Man.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in St. Louis, said that he was seething with envy when he learned that Juan Carlos might have already fled to the Dominican Republic, some four thousand miles away from Spain.
“Four thousand miles away from Washington is basically the North Pole,” he said. “Why does Spain get all the good things?”
8/3/20 Biden Leading Trump Among Voters Who Favor Being Alive
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.
The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.
In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.
“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”
Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”
“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.
8/2/20 Trump Warns That Mail-In Ballots Could Result in Voting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation a “total disaster,” Donald J. Trump warned on Sunday that the use of mail-in ballots could result in voting.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that there were “all kinds of studies” showing a “direct link” between mail-in ballots and votes cast.
“Wherever you’ve had mail-in ballots, there have been widespread cases of voting,” he said. “We’re not going to let that happen.”
He said that other countries have solved the problem of “too many votes” by banning mail-in ballots altogether.
“You look at North Korea,” Trump said. “They don’t have mail-in ballots. They barely have mail. They’re doing an amazing job.”
Raising another issue with what he called “excessive voting,” Trump warned that “the more votes you have, the higher the number you have to count to.”
“When I took my cognitive test, I had to count to ten, and that was no walk in the park,” he said. “And now you’re telling me there’s somebody out there who can count into the millions? Give me a break.”
7/31/20 Fauci Would Have Thought Twice About Career in Medicine Had He Known It Meant Someday Talking to Jim Jordan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Friday that he would have “thought twice” about pursuing a career in medicine had he known that it would lead to his talking someday to Representative Jim Jordan.
Speaking to reporters after his congressional testimony, Fauci said that, during his appearance in the hearing room, he had been revisiting the series of life choices that had resulted in his being forced to hear Jordan speak.
“I could have done so many other things with my life,” the esteemed virologist said. “I could have been a firefighter. I was actually a pretty good dancer back in the day. I could have given that a shot.”
Reflecting on those roads not taken, Fauci added, “Had I chosen any of those fields, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t have spent today having to listen to Jim Jordan. Those are minutes I’ll never get back.”
Fauci clarified that he was “very grateful” for his career as an epidemiologist but added, “Let’s not kid ourselves. If I were a professional dancer, there’s about a zero-per-cent chance I would ever be in the same room as Jim Jordan. Oh, well—it is what it is.”
7/31/20 Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.
While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”
“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”
Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”
“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”
Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”
“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.”
7/29/20 Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus
OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.
In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.
“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”
The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.
The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.
7/28/20 Barr Denies Testifying Before Congress
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr stirred controversy on Tuesday by categorically denying during his congressional testimony that he was testifying before Congress.
“I am not now nor have I ever testified before the House Judiciary Committee,” Barr told the House Judiciary Committee. “Any suggestion to the contrary is a flat-out lie.”
After the chairman of the committee, Representative Jerrold Nadler, claimed that he could see Barr sitting several feet away from him, Barr came out swinging.
“I am not going to respond to hypothetical questions about where I may or may not be sitting at any given moment,” Barr retorted.
Barr’s steadfast denial that he was testifying before Congress drew the ire of Nadler, who said that Barr’s prevarication was unbecoming of the Attorney General of the United States.
Barr’s response was swift and fierce. “I am not the Attorney General, and any assertion that I am is patently absurd,” he said.
At the end of the hearing, one of Barr’s fellow-Republicans on the committee, Representative Jim Jordan, apologized to Barr for the going-over he had received from Democrats.
“Given how badly you were treated today, I don’t blame you one bit for not being here,” Jordan said.
7/28/20 Trump Accuses Fauci of Using Fifty Years of Experience as Doctor to Win People’s Trust
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a new conspiracy theory, Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people’s trust.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump would not disclose the source of the theory, saying only, “This is something a lot of people are talking about.”
“Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class, in 1966, because he knew that would make him look good someday,” Trump told Sean Hannity. “He’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility, Trump alleged.
“He spent years working on H.I.V., aids, Ebola, you name it,” Trump charged. “Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.”
Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic.
“There is zero difference between me and Tony Fauci, except for fifty years of so-called medical experience,” he said.
7/27/20 Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “passing of the baton,” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate.
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”
“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”
According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.
While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.
“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”
7/25/20 Obama Passes Cognitive Test by Reciting the First Fifty Digits of Pi
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barack Obama recently passed a cognitive test that required him to recite the first fifty digits of Pi, the former President has disclosed.
Obama took the test voluntarily, he said, in order to reassure his employers at Netflix that he was “of sound mind.”
“Netflix has made a big investment in me as a producer, and I thought it was important for them to know that I was all right upstairs,” Obama said.
The former President said that he enjoyed taking the test, including a section that required him to memorize and then recite a hundred verses of the Iliad.
“That was actually a lot of fun,” Obama said. “Greek is such a beautiful language.”
Although he passed the test, Obama said that there were moments when he felt “rusty” and “not as sharp as I was back in the day.”
“I definitely need to do some more mental exercises,” he said. “One hour of three-dimensional chess with Bill Gates every morning isn’t getting it done.”
7/24/20 Trump to Throw Out First Amendment at Yankee Stadium
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an event that he described as “historic,” Donald J. Trump announced that he will throw out the First Amendment at Yankee Stadium next month.
“It’s going to be an amazing and fantastic thing I’ll be doing,” Trump said. “I’ve asked a lot of history experts, and they all say that no President has thrown out an amendment before.”
“Obama was President for eight years and never threw out an amendment,” he said. “What a loser.”
Trump said that he had considered throwing out the First Amendment “many, many times before” but had ultimately decided to preserve freedom of the press for his friends at Fox News.
“But, thanks to that beauty Chris Wallace, now I know that Fox is just as nasty and fake as the rest,” he said. “The only real journalist left is that nice lady at OAN.”
When asked how he is preparing for his Yankee Stadium appearance, Trump said that he is consulting with other world leaders who are experienced in throwing out laws.
“I had a terrific conversation with Vladimir Putin,” Trump said. “They don’t have a First Amendment in Russia, but he said that, if they did, he would definitely throw it out. So that made me feel good.”
Trump grew misty-eyed as he contemplated his upcoming visit to Yankee Stadium.
“I can’t believe I’ll be throwing out the First Amendment,” he said. “Every little boy dreams of this.”
7/23/20 Confused Federal Agents Unable to Determine Which Unmarked Van In D.H.S. Garage Is Theirs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump’s plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag, as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs.
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S. garage in Washington, fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van.
“It’s like a baggage-claim nightmare,” the agent complained. “Many unmarked vans look alike.”
Although sending unmarked vans to cities “seemed like a really cool idea at first,” the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to “maybe think about going with marked vans instead,” the frustrated agent said.
Speaking to reporters, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that agents’ inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been “exaggerated,” and added that he was working with the D.H.S. laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents’ unmarked uniforms.
7/22/20 In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.
In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.
7/21/20 Feds in Unmarked Van Looking for Suspicious Characters Pick Up Jared Kushner
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “an unfortunate incident,” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street.
According to the agents, the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “shifty-eyed male” who “didn’t look right.”
“He checked all the boxes for suspicious,” one of the agents said. “He definitely didn’t look like someone who should be anywhere near the White House.”
Despite the protests of a screaming Kushner, the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location.
According to White House sources, Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone.
His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon, when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “more smoothly than usual.”
Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that the practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “terrific idea,” but acknowledged that it might need to be “tweaked.”
“Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character, or Stephen Miller could be next,” he said.
7/20/20 Trump Says He Will Eventually Be Right About the Coronavirus Going Away When There Is No Human Life Left on Planet
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth.
Speaking to Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday,” Trump said that, once there are no living humans left for it to infect, “like I have said before, the virus will just disappear, like a miracle.”
“The virus isn’t stupid,” Trump said. “It wants to infect people. And when there are no people left to infect, it’s not going to hang around doing nothing. It’s going to go away. And then I’ll be right.”
Trump added that, when the planet Earth no longer has any trace of human life, “I’ll have the last laugh.”
“In a way, it’s too bad that those beauties in the fake news media like Jim Acosta will be extinct at that point, because I wish they could be alive to see how I was eventually right,” he added. “But I guess you can’t have everything.”
Trump offered no timeline for the disappearance of all human life from the planet, saying only, “We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on that.”
7/18/20 Trump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest shakeup in his inner circle, Donald Trump has named the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, to the position of niece, replacing Mary Trump, effective immediately.
With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
But, according to a White House source, the decision to replace Mary Trump with McEnany was a “no-brainer.”
“The President wanted a niece who could rewrite history, and Kayleigh has proven every day that she can do that,” the source said.
McEnany will continue in her role as press secretary in addition to niece, and will refer to Trump as “Uncle President.”
As for Mary Trump, she will remain a member of the Trump family, but has been demoted from niece to third cousin.
7/17/20 Trump Sues the Coronavirus for Treating Him Unfairly
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alleging that it “has treated me very unfairly,” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus.
“This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.”
Offering a preview of his lawsuit, Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the 2020 election.
“You look at the numbers and, every time the virus’s numbers go up, my numbers go down,” he said. “This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.”
Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court, claiming, “My case is so perfect, even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.”
Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer allows discussions of the coronavirus at meetings of the Coronavirus Task Force.
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Trump felt “deeply betrayed” by the coronavirus.
“covid-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump,” she said.
7/16/20 Georgia Governor Orders Statewide Ban on Science
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science.
“Over the past few weeks, scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire,” Kemp said. “We need to flatten the truth curve.”
Under the executive order, Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information.
Additionally, Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning a trip to a library or bookstore.
The governor said that Georgians could once again visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Web site “as soon as the rest of its data has been safely removed.”
Kemp’s zero-tolerance policy on science drew strong praise from his Republican colleague Donald J. Trump.
“Congratulations to Brian Kemp for having the guts to get tough on science, unlike those beauties Andrew Cuomo, Jay Inslee, and that woman from Michigan,” he tweeted.
Trump’s support has reportedly emboldened Kemp, who is said to be considering a statewide ban on integers.
7/15/20 Trump Claims Biden Could Never Have a Pandemic As Big As His
WASHINGTON, D.C.(The Borowitz Report)—Trying out a new line of attack against the former Vice-President, Donald Trump said on Wednesday that Joe Biden could never have a pandemic as big as his.
“Biden was Vice-President for eight years and had all the time in the world to have a pandemic,” Trump said. “Where was his pandemic?”
By contrast, Trump asserted, “In just a few months, I’ve built the biggest pandemic this country has seen in a hundred years.”
“People are going to be talking about my pandemic for generations to come,” Trump said. “What did Biden ever have? Swine flu? What a joke.”
Trump said that Biden’s failure to have “any pandemic worth writing home about” makes him a “terrible choice” to be President.
“I’ve worked hard and built an amazing pandemic, but if Biden gets in, all that goes away,” he warned.
7/14/20 Florida Governor Orders All Children to Work at Walmart and Home Depot This Fall
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his decision a “game changer,” Florida’s governor announced on Tuesday that he was ordering all of the state’s children to work at Walmart and Home Depot in the fall.
“If we can do Walmart and we can do Home Depot, we can definitely do your children working at Walmart and Home Depot,” Governor Ron DeSantis declared.
Explaining the rationale behind his order, DeSantis said that sending children to work at the two big-box stores would have the “exact same result” as sending them to school—namely “getting them out of the house.”
“To the parents of Florida, let me say, ‘You’re welcome,’ ” he said.
Touting other benefits of his plan, DeSantis claimed, “I think this is going to be a great educational experience for our kids.”
“I think it should be a goal of this state to teach every first grader how to do inventory,” he said. “Inventory is just a fancy word for math.”
Additionally, he said that hauling large planks of lumber at Home Depot would be “an excellent substitute for phys. ed.”
“I wish I had thought of this sooner,” DeSantis said. “These kids are going to be so good with hammers, nails, and wood that they could have built the stage at the Republican National Convention.”
The governor was dismissive of a reporter who asked whether forcing children to work at Walmart and Home Depot would be a violation of child-labor laws. “As our great President has shown time and time again, this is not a time for laws,” DeSantis said.
7/13/20 Trump Replaces Fauci with Chuck Woolery
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning repudiation of the nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, Donald J. Trump has replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci with the veteran game-show host Chuck Woolery.
Appearing at the White House with his newest Coronavirus Task Force member, Trump said that he chose Woolery because he has “a much better record of success than Tony.”
“Tony Fauci is a nice guy, but he’s been wrong a lot,” Trump said. “Chuck has made thousands of love connections that turned out a hundred-per-cent right.”
Woolery said that his first official act as part of the Coronavirus Task Force would be to eliminate social distancing, calling the practice “ridiculous.”
“How are you supposed to go on a date and stay six feet apart?” Woolery asked. “If we had social distancing on ‘Love Connection,’ we wouldn’t have lasted a single episode.”
He also previewed his approach to clinical trials for potential coronavirus vaccines. “We’ll inject each contestant with three vaccines and see which one he’s most compatible with,” he said. “The audience is gonna eat that up.”
Woolery concluded his appearance without taking any questions from reporters, saying, “We’ll be back in two and two.”
7/13/20 Betsy DeVos Promises to Protect Children from Education
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Betsy DeVos vowed on Sunday to do everything in her power as Secretary of Education to protect the nation’s children from education.
In an interview on CNN, DeVos said many parents were “understandably concerned” that, if their children return to school in the fall, they might be exposed to learning.
“That will not happen on my watch,” she promised. “We are working around the clock at the Department of Education to keep your children safe from comprehension.”
DeVos said that her staff had drafted strict distancing measures to ensure that America’s students are as distanced as possible from anything resembling a curriculum when they return to school.
“If it means eliminating books, computers, or even teachers, your kids will be distanced,” she said.
Raising a worst-case scenario, DeVos said that, if knowledge is somehow transmitted to students, “I will shut down that school in a minute.”
“We will be doing a lot of testing,” DeVos said. “If students’ test scores somehow go up, then I have failed.”
7/10/20 Trump Warns That Social Distancing in Schools Would Make It Harder for Students to Cheat Off One Another’s Papers
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Laying out his plans for reopening the nation’s schools in the fall, Donald J. Trump expressed concern that social distancing would make it “really hard” for students to cheat off one another’s papers.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recommendations for social distancing in schools “would only work for students who can see their neighbor’s papers from six feet away.”
“Unless your eyesight is really good, if you’re six feet away or whatever you’re not going to be able to copy the other person’s answers,” Trump said. “Especially if the person writes really small, which they sometimes do.”
Trump recommended that teachers test their students’ eyesight on the first day of school to determine how far away they can sit from one another while still having a clear view of their neighbors’ papers.
“I don’t know why those beauties at the C.D.C. didn’t think of this,” he said.
Responding to a reporter’s question, Trump said that he could not recall any time that other students tried to cheat off his papers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.
Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school, but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner, Rand Paul, and Betsy DeVos.
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back to school could be complicated and expensive, the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater, the poll indicates.
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom.
Science and math received the strongest support, but a substantial number of respondents also favored history, geography, and English.
Finally, if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall, a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send someone else in his place.
7/8/20 Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.
According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.
Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.
Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.
“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.
7/7/20 Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with the impending publication of Mary Trump’s book, “it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Russian President said that, when young Donald Trump was applying to college, in the nineteen-sixties, Putin was making “a few extra rubles” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students.
“I recall the day that I took Trump’s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday,” Putin said. “I totally aced them.”
As the years rolled by, Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took.
“I often asked myself, ‘How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the path to Wharton?’ ” Putin said, with a devilish smile. “As it turned out, I found a way.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump’s memoir. “No one named Trump has ever actually written a book,” McEnany said.
7/7/20 Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.
Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.
Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.
At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.
Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.
Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.
“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”
Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.
7/6/20 Pence Walks Out of “Hamilton” Again in Own Living Room
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence’s turbulent relationship with “Hamilton” continued over the weekend, as he walked out of the Broadway show in his own living room.
Pence, who walked out after the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016, when the cast tried to address him, told reporters that he tuned in to the streaming version of “Hamilton” on July 4th specifically to walk out of it once more.
“I wanted to send the cast of ‘Hamilton’ a strong message,” Pence said. “The minute it began, I turned to my wife and said, ‘Mother, I’m out.’ ”
VIDEO FROM THE NEW YORKER
A “Hamilton” Stagehand on Telling Stories with Lights
He immediately followed through on his threat, leaving Mrs. Pence alone in their living room for the next two and a half hours as she watched “Hamilton” in its entirety.
Pence dismissed reporters’ questions about the limited impact of his gesture, since the cast of “Hamilton” was unable to see him get up from his couch and leave in a huff.
“President Trump told me to walk out of my living room, and I am grateful for the opportunity to obey him,” Pence said, adding that he intends to walk out of “Hamilton” again tonight.
7/2/20 Putin Considering Not Running Trump for Reëlection
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with “deeply discouraging” 2020 polls, Vladimir Putin is “seriously considering” not running Donald J. Trump for reëlection, according to Kremlin sources.
The Russian President had been holding out hope that Trump could somehow stop his precipitous slide in popularity, but a recent roundup of polls showing Joe Biden crushing him in several battleground states made Putin realize that “his guy is a lost cause,” one source said.
“Putin has been talking about not running Trump for reëlection for months now, but it looks like he’s finally ready to pull the rip cord,” the source added.
According to Kremlin insiders, Putin is actively mulling a number of possible Republican replacements for Trump, including Representative Devin Nunes, Senator Mitch McConnell, and Senator Rand Paul, but he does not relish the idea of making the switch.
“You have to understand, Putin has spent years training Trump to be so obedient,” the source said. “It’s going to be hard breaking in a new one.”
7/1/20 Trump May Not Have Read Brief Because He Holds Reading Material Upside Down
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down, experts suggested on Wednesday.
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position, Davis Logsdon, who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota, said that such a practice could have impeded the President’s ability to process information on his desk.
“If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down, what is intended to be important intelligence requiring his urgent attention might, to him, appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper,” Logsdon said.
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon’s comments, the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump’s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk.
Reportedly, Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump’s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position for reading.
Some White House sources, however, expressed skepticism about the new protocol. “It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down,” one source said.
6/30/20 Trump Did Not Read Taliban Brief Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.
Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.
“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”
“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘urgent’ and ‘must read’ stamped in big red letters on them.”
After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.
6/29/20 Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.
“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”
According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.
“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.
“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.
6/26/20 Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.
Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”
Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”
“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”
6/25/20 Giuliani No Longer Worst Lawyer in Country
<Photo of William Barr in actual report at the NewYorker>
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected turn of events for the former New York mayor, a poll of legal experts has determined that Rudolph Giuliani is no longer the worst lawyer in America.
According to the law professor who supervised the poll, Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota Law School, Giuliani’s dethronement from the worst-lawyer championship was all the more shocking because his claim to that title had remained unchallenged for so long.
“Giuliani had faced worthy competition from the likes of Michael D. Cohen and Michael Avenatti and dispatched them with ease,” Logsdon said. “But this new challenger left Rudy in the dust.”
The new titleholder as the nation’s worst lawyer, who won in a nearly unanimous vote, is so egregious that he may cause some legal experts to reassess Giuliani’s career as an attorney. “Compared to our country’s new worst lawyer, Rudy demonstrated the utmost respect for the Constitution and the rule of law,” Logsdon argued.
Reached in the makeup room at Fox News, where he was about to make an on-air appearance, Giuliani took the news of his ouster philosophically. “I had a good run,” he said.
6/23/20 Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.
According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.
“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.
“Testing?” Kushner asked.
“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”
6/23/20 Trump Offers Stimulus Checks to Anyone Willing to Come to His Next Rally
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.
“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”
“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”
6/22/20 Trump Calls Drinking Glass of Water Proudest Achievement as President
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President.
“I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “You can look at the tape. There was not a single drop of spillage.”
Trump added that, while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself, executing it so well in front of such a large crowd made it even more extraordinary.
“There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right,” he said. “There must have been forty thousand people there.”
Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments, such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water.
“I guarantee you, all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and protests,” he said. “You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.”
In his most stunning claim, Trump argued that he might be “better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.”
“You won’t find any tape of Obama drinking water, probably, because he was afraid of spilling,” Trump said. “Honest Abe, I will bet you anything, got water on his beard, which is disgusting. Look at the tape of me again and decide for yourself. I drank a perfect glass of water. Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being.”
6/21/20 Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker
TULSA (The Borowitz Report)—Stung by the paltry turnout at his Saturday-night rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Donald J. Trump’s campaign has announced plans to hold his next rally in the bunker beneath the White House.
In announcing the rally, Brad Parscale, the chairman of Trump’s reëlection campaign, denied that the choice of venue reflected a tepid level of enthusiasm to see the candidate speak.
“The bunker holds forty people,” Parscale said. “That is a much larger seating capacity than Joe Biden’s basement.”
Despite the choice of such an intimate venue, however, Trump campaign sources are privately worried that they may have difficulty filling the bunker.
According to one source, Jared Kushner spent all of Sunday morning on the phone begging people to attend the bunker rally.
“All of Jared’s friends said they’re coming, so that’s five seats right there,” the source said.
6/18/20 Susan Collins Puts Bolton Book in Amazon Cart but Remains Undecided About Placing Order
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins has put John Bolton’s new book in her Amazon cart but is undecided about placing an order for it, Collins confirmed on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters at the Senate, Collins called the decision to pull the trigger on the Bolton book “one of the most wrenching of my career.”
“My computer’s cursor has hovered over the ‘Place your order’ button for hours without clicking on it,” she said. “This is not a decision I take lightly.”
The Republican senator from Maine indicated that, even if she ultimately decides to buy Bolton’s book, she is leaving open the possibility of returning the book to Amazon.
“All options are on the table,” she said.
In her most revealing statement, Collins admitted that she has more than three hundred other items in her Amazon cart that she has yet to commit to buying.
Those items include sunglasses, a hand mixer, several pairs of capri pants, and a beekeeping kit.
Collins said that, although she is interested in pursuing beekeeping as a hobby, she is troubled and concerned about the behavior of bees.
6/17/20 White House Staff Seething with Envy After Fauci Reveals He Has Not Spoken to Trump in Two Weeks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has not spoken to Donald J. Trump in two weeks, envious staffers have confirmed.
News of the break in communication between the two men sent shockwaves through the White House, with scores of staffers demanding to know whether Fauci had a secret trick that they could employ to similar effect.
“Two freaking weeks?” Jared Kushner was overheard muttering. “I’d settle for one hour.”
Fauci said that there was no secret to getting Trump to stop talking to him, but suggested, “Generally speaking, if you pepper your sentences with facts, that’s usually enough to do it.”
Recognizing that members of the White House staff may be unaccustomed to uttering factual statements, Fauci said, “Another thing you can try is saying to him, ‘Mr. President, I’m really looking forward to reading John Bolton’s book.’ That should get you two weeks, minimum.”
6/16/20 Trump Proposes Overruling Supreme Court by Creating Supremer Court
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after it issued decisions on L.G.B.T.Q. rights and the Second Amendment that provoked his ire, Donald J. Trump said that he would overrule the Supreme Court by creating a “Supremer Court.”
“Right now, if the Supreme Court makes a bad decision, quite frankly, you’re screwed,” he said. “The Supremer Court fixes that.”
Trump said that his Supremer Court would be a “beautiful, perfect court” that would make the Supreme Court “look like exactly what it is—a sad bunch of losers.”
Trump said that the Supremer Court would be housed in a “giant, gleaming building” overlooking the Supreme Court, enabling the Supremer Court Justices to “look down at those pathetic little Supreme Court jerks and laugh.”
As for choosing Justices for the Supremer Court, Trump said that there were no Supreme Court Justices worth promoting, “except maybe Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas.”
“Judge Roberts is the beauty who gave us Obamacare, and Gorsuch is a total snake,” Trump said. “At least with Kavanaugh and Thomas you’ve got two terrific people.”
6/15/20 Mitch McConnell Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Fire Neil Gorsuch
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an Oval Office meeting described as “tense,” the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, explained to Donald J. Trump why he cannot fire Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.
According to sources, McConnell rushed to the White House after being informed of Trump’s plan to terminate Gorsuch and replace him with the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro.
In the Oval Office, Trump adamantly told McConnell, “When I hire someone, I have the right to fire him if he turns out to be a jerk.”
McConnell slowly and carefully explained that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life, but Trump refused to accept this position.
“I can fire this Neil Gorsuch joker just like I fired Jeff Sessions and Gary Busey,” Trump said, adding that he planned to add a ramp outside the Supreme Court to speed Gorsuch’s departure.
6/15/20 Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation’s Ramps
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that “there’s something going on” with the nation’s sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States’s vast collection of ramps.
“It’s something we’re looking into quite strongly,” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. “Ramps have treated me very unfairly.”
The decision to probe the nation’s ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama’s Presidency.
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.
“Those would be perfect ramps,” he said.
Responding to this proposal, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation’s ramps no longer ramps at all.
“You’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
6/13/20 Trump Boasts That He Has Much Higher TV Ratings Than Lincoln
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been O.K. at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.”
6/11/20 Trump Blasts Milley: “This Is Not the Military I Avoided Serving In”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of angry tweets on Thursday, Donald J. Trump lashed out at the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, declaring, “This is not the military I avoided serving in.”
Calling Milley’s apology for appearing in last week’s controversial church photo op “a disgrace,” Trump said, “The United States military of my youth was known for courage and valor, which is why I got a podiatrist’s note to get out of being a part of it.”
Recalling that episode from a half century ago, Trump said, “As I watched my podiatrist dictate that note, I thought about the great institution of the U.S. military, which I would be exempted from participating in. That institution is unrecognizable today.”
With his apology, Trump claimed, “Mark Milley has besmirched the memories of all the Americans who fought so hard to avoid fighting.”
In his most caustic broadside against Milley, Trump questioned the general’s ability to lead U.S. forces and said that he might have to find “someone else” to launch the American invasion of Seattle.
6/9/20 Trump Puts Nation on Alert for Terrorists Posing as Peaceful Seventy-Five-Year-Olds
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Announcing that he was putting the nation on a “double-red threat level,” Donald J. Trump warned the American people on Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists posing as peaceful seventy-five-year-olds.
“One of these terrorists was already identified by the police in Buffalo,” Trump said. “They may be coming to your town next.”
Trump listed some “telltale signs of Antifa,” in order to help Americans identify septuagenarian terrorists in their midst.
“If the person appears to be seventy-five or older, with white hair and a peaceful demeanor, call the authorities immediately,” Trump said.
He warned that Antifa terrorists are infiltrating American society “everywhere,” even on Zoom.
“If you are on Zoom with your family and an elderly person suddenly appears with a friendly smile, a string of pearls, and the nickname ‘Grandma,’ you have been attacked by Antifa,” he said.
6/8/20 Furious Trump Declares Romney Not Welcome in Bunker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march, Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “not welcome in my bunker.”
“Mitt Romney thinks he’s cute, first voting to impeach me and now marching,” Trump told reporters. “Well, I’ve got news for Mitt: his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.”
Trump said that, because of his disloyalty, Romney “will never experience all that the best bunker in the world has to offer.”
“There are luxury recliners, televisions as far as the eye can see, and a bottomless pit of snacks,” Trump boasted. “If Mitt could see what he’s missing, I’ll bet he’d rethink some of the cute things he’s done.”
Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials, such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper, to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges.
“I’m not sure Esper is bunker material,” he mused.
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator, should he try to gain admission.
“Sorry, Mitt,” Trump sneered. “People like you don’t belong in a bunker. I do.”
6/7/20 Putin Rejects Trump’s Request for Ten Thousand Russian Troops to Guard White House
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald J. Trump’s request for ten thousand active-duty Russian Army troops to guard the perimeter around the White House, Administration and Kremlin sources have confirmed.
After Trump’s call for U.S. troops was rebuffed by Defense Secretary Mark Esper and General Mark Milley, Trump reportedly snapped, “I’ll call Vlad,” and stormed out of the meeting with the two men.
Much to Trump’s disappointment, however, his request for Russian troops met with a chilly response.
“The optics would be terrible,” Putin reportedly told him. “Worse than that crazy thing you did with the Bible. Really, you need to get a grip.”
According to White House sources, Trump has subsequently phoned the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, but his calls have gone straight to voice mail.
6/5/20 Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.
“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”
Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.
“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”
Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.
“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”
6/4/20 Trump’s Bleach Moment Now Seeming Like Career High Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point, according to prominent historians.
While Trump’s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirus appeared, at the time, to be a catastrophic misstep, his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment, Davis Logsdon, a Presidential historian, said.
“This week, we’ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters, offend religious leaders by using a Bible as a prop, and threaten to use the military against the American people,” Logsdon said. “In retrospect, suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.”
Logsdon added that, with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression, “Trump’s best bet may be to remind the American people, ‘I’m the man who told you to drink bleach.’ ”
“All things considered, that may be his finest hour,” the historian said.
6/3/20 Trump Says Inspection Revealed Bunker Was Dusty Because Obama Never Used It
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.
“There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”
“Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”
Trump said that he opened the bunker’s fridge and found it “stocked to the brim with soft drinks, totally untouched.”
“What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working?” Trump asked. “A bad or sick guy.”
Trump noted that, in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “amazing bunker,” Obama never once used the Insurrection Act of 1807 in his entire time in office.
“I don’t even know why Obama wanted to be President,” Trump said. “Obama is a mess.”
6/1/20 Study: Many of Nation’s Problems Could Be Solved by Having a President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.
The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership.
“At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.”
In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law.
“Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.”
While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure.
“We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a shit show.”
5/30/20 Angela Merkel Practices Social Distancing by Staying Four Thousand Miles Away from Trump
BERLIN (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to practice social distancing, the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, is staying four thousand miles away from Donald Trump, Merkel has confirmed.
Merkel’s decision to decline Trump’s invitation to a possible meeting of the G-7 in Washington was based “entirely on science,” Merkel told reporters.
“Epidemiologists have recommended that, in order to be safe, one should social-distance by six feet,” she said. “It only stands to reason that I will be even safer if I social-distance by twenty-one million feet.”
Merkel said that she was taking the extremely cautious social-distancing measures regarding Trump because of “the danger posed by being in proximity to someone who speaks so loudly and incessantly.”
“His mouth is like a firehose of droplets,” she said, shuddering.
Asked whether she would reconsider a White House visit if Trump agreed to wear a mask, she said, “Donald Trump with a mask is clearly a big improvement over Donald Trump without a mask, but no.”
The German leader added that she could envision making a trip to the Oval Office if “events on the ground change,” most likely in January of 2021.
5/29/20 Nation Astonished by Spectacle of Twitter Management Demonstrating Responsibility
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to a bizarre development that no one saw coming, Americans this week have been dumbfounded by the unfathomable spectacle of Twitter’s senior management demonstrating responsibility.
In interviews across the country, people from all walks of life expressed shock and disbelief that Twitter executives appeared to recognize that their social-media platform was a potentially destructive entity that required a modicum of oversight from those supposedly running it.
“At first, when I saw that they were fact-checking tweets, I thought it was some kind of fluke,” Carol Foyler, a Twitter user from Topeka, said. “But then when they started hiding tweets for glorifying violence, I was, like, O.K., this is getting weird.”
“It almost seems like Twitter has been taken over by someone like Bill Gates or George Soros,” Harland Dorrinson, a user from Phoenix, said. “I would tweet something about that, but I’m afraid they might fact-check it.”
Tracy Klugian, a securities analyst who has been on Twitter since its inception, expressed concern that, by exhibiting even modest signs of adult responsibility, the company is “heading down a slippery slope.”
“Today it’s falsehoods and incitements to violence, but what will it be tomorrow?” he said. “Will Twitter start policing racists, misogynists, and Nazis? Their entire business model is at risk.”
5/28/20 Twitter’s Servers Burst Into Flames After Attempting to Fact-Check All of Trump’s Tweets
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Servers belonging to the social-media platform Twitter burst into flames on Thursday, after the company attempted to fact-check all of Donald Trump’s tweets.
“We knew that fact-checking Trump’s tweets was going to put a strain on our system,” Jack Dorsey, the C.E.O. of Twitter, said. “We had no idea that it would result in columns of fire shooting forty feet into the air.”
Reportedly, an explosion in the server fact-checking Trump’s tweets about Joe Scarborough ignited a blaze that quickly spread to a server furiously vetting his tweets about Barack Obama.
Fire trucks rushed to Twitter headquarters to extinguish the inferno, which San Francisco officials called the largest fact-checking-related fire incident in the city’s history.
While no one was injured in the conflagration, Dorsey quietly shelved plans to fact-check all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s tweets.
Borowitz 5/27/20 Trump Demands That Republican Convention Move from North Carolina to Moscow
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, Donald Trump is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow.
“North Carolina has been difficult every step of the way, and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to me,” Trump wrote, in one of a series of early-morning tweets.
Additionally, Trump argued, moving the R.N.C. to Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare. “The most important people working on our 2020 campaign will already be there,” he tweeted.
Finally, he claimed, Moscow boasts far better accommodations than “that sad city of losers, Charlotte.”
“I have fantastic memories of the Moscow Ritz,” Trump wrote.
5/24/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Remain on Golf Course Until Pandemic Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump’s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club, Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over.
“The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters,” Fauci told Trump on Sunday. “It’s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing, Mr. President.”
Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor’s words of encouragement, especially because the golf trip had limited the President’s ability to communicate with Fauci, the Centers for Disease Control, and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response.
“It’s been tough without you, but we are doing the best we can,” Fauci said. “After all the hard work you’ve done, you deserve months and months and months of golfing.”
Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone, stop talking to the press, and not tell anyone about the great idea he had on the golf course about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus.
5/20/20 Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House Would Spy on Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is terrified of hanging an official portrait of former President Barack Obama at the White House because he is convinced that the painting would spy on him, a White House source has confirmed.
According to the source, when Trump was informed that unveiling a portrait of his predecessor was a storied White House tradition, “he totally freaked out.”
“You know what will happen,” Trump reportedly said. “That painting will be able to see and hear everything I do.”
In an increasingly paranoid rant, Trump explained that the painting of Obama, having collected damaging information about him, would then be able to pass that information on to former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Suddenly afraid that the White House corridors were lined with potentially traitorous paintings, Trump demanded that the portraits of all former Presidents who might betray him be removed immediately.
“The only one who made the cut was Nixon,” the source said.
5/18/20 New Test Indicates Hydroxychloroquine Causes Delusions
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new test of the drug hydroxychloroquine suggests that it may cause delusions, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned on Monday.
In a conference call with reporters, Fauci indicated that his findings were based on a preliminary test involving one white male subject in his seventies.
“It’s too early to be definitive about this, but the evidence suggests that, if you are already prone to delusions, paranoid fantasies, and a generalized detachment from reality, taking hydroxychloroquine may only make those symptoms worse,” he said.
Fauci said that, if someone you know is taking hydroxychloroquine, “Broach the subject with him very carefully and diplomatically. Based on my findings, this person will not like being contradicted and is likely to fly off the handle.”
Additionally, because of the mind-altering effects of the drug, “It’s important never to do what someone taking hydroxychloroquine tells you to do,” Fauci said.
“The only thing as dangerous as taking hydroxychloroquine is listening to someone who is taking hydroxychloroquine,” he said. “Therein lies the road to madness.”
5/18/20 Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands, Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo’s laundry, effective immediately.
In addition to his new laundry duties, Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo’s dog and for what the White House described as “light housework.”
Reportedly, Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks with Pompeo about how he likes his shirts done.
Although assigning Pompeo’s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem, it may have created a new one, because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years, such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office’s supply of Sharpies.
According to a White House source, those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, should he prove capable of doing them “without messing up.”
While Pence’s appointment as Pompeo’s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington, it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing,” Fauci said.
5/16/20 Trump Says Nation Will Have Vaccine Before It Sees His Taxes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a solemn promise to the American people, Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns.
“People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine,” Trump said. “I say, not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.”
Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year, the chance of their having a glimpse of his tax returns by then sits at zero. “Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine,” he beamed.
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes, Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay, to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt.
“Eventually, my taxes will just go away,” he predicted.
At the National Institutes of Health, Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump’s forecast that a vaccine would be released before his taxes. “This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he’s said,” Fauci commented.
5/14/20 Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.
“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”
If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”
He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”
Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.
5/13/20 Rand Paul Says Secret to Social Distancing Is Making Everyone Despise You
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharing helpful health tips with the American people, Senator Rand Paul said on Wednesday that the secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you.
“People get all worried about whether other people are staying six feet away from them,” Paul said. “The trick is, if you act like a total jerkwad, people will stay much farther away from you than that.”
Paul also questioned whether wearing a mask protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does.
“Airborne droplets can spread by people talking to each other,” Paul said. “If no one ever wants to talk to you, problem solved.”
He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as soon as possible, a process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate. “If you reopen your restaurant and it gets too crowded, I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out,” he said.
5/11/20 Obama Unworried About Trump Accusing Him of Crime Because Bill Barr Does Not Prosecute Criminals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “the greatest crime in American history” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.
“At first, when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever, I have to admit I was a little rattled,” Obama said. “But then I remembered Barr’s don’t-prosecute-crimes policy, and I was pretty chill about it.”
Obama said that he was unsure what crime Trump was accusing him of committing, “but I’m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I. or anything as serious as that—so I’m good.”
The former President said that, if it turns out that he did commit a crime, “I’ll immediately admit that I did it, because, if history is any guide, the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.”
Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions, whatever they were, Obama said, “This is an awesome time to be a criminal.”
5/11/20 Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.
Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.
“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”
Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed.
“As much as I hated making this decision, if it leads to me not making more decisions, it was a decision worth making,” she said on a Zoom call with reporters, before muting herself.
5/8/20 Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
5/7/20 Unskilled American Somehow Still Employed
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Despite an increasingly grim employment picture, an unskilled American man remains gainfully employed, labor experts confirmed.
With millions applying for unemployment benefits each week, experts expressed bafflement and outright astonishment that a man with no identifiable skills, talents, or competence appears to be secure in his job.
“This unskilled individual’s continued employment defies any kind of economic logic,” Davis Logsdon, who studies employment trends at the University of Minnesota, said. “Of the 33.5 million Americans who have applied for unemployment benefits over the past seven weeks, approximately 33.5 million are more qualified than he is.”
Even more perplexing, experts said, is the unskilled man’s persistent employment after failing at a series of other jobs during the past three years.
“The only explanation that makes sense, and I’ll admit it’s far-fetched, is that whoever hired him is equally unskilled,” Logsdon said.
Despite the man’s puzzlingly long record of employment, Logsdon said that ferocious economic headwinds could bring it to an abrupt halt, as early as November.
5/6/20 Coronavirus Task Force Officially Split as Fauci Announces Solo Album
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The rumored breakup of the White House coronavirus task force became official on Wednesday, after Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans for a solo album.
While fans of the task force had been hoping that the group would somehow stay together, palpable creative differences among the members made Fauci’s decision to go solo “only a matter of time,” one source said.
“By the end, it was clear that Tony couldn’t stand being on the same stage as Trump,” the source said. “It was getting very, very uncomfortable.”
The source scoffed at rumors that Trump might attempt a solo album of his own. “Tony Fauci was the coronavirus task force,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that his upcoming solo release would be full of material that he was prevented from using as a member of the task force.
“I have a lot inside me that I wasn’t allowed to express,” Fauci said. “The creative freedom of doing this album has been amazing.”
The first video from the album, “Don’t Reopen (Yet),” featuring Bill Gates, will drop next week, Fauci said.
Once his solo album is finished, the esteemed virologist said that he planned to tour extensively to promote it. “I’ve always wanted to play the House of Representatives,” he said.
5/5/20 Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump
WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.
In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.
“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”
The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”
Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”
“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”
5/4/20 New Claim That Enemies of U.S. Developed Trump in Lab
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation, a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday.
The theorist, Harland Dorrinson, said that he has “conclusive evidence” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ultimate weapon” to bring the United States to its knees.
“Having combed through binders of secret documents, I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have been calling Donald Trump was grown in a recombinant-DNA lab,” Dorrinson said.
“It’s the only possible explanation,” he added.
While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence, “seemingly designed for our amusement,” in recent days he has become “fully weaponized,” the conspiracy theorist asserted.
“In the past two weeks, he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders, to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies, and to ingest bleach,” he said. “In a secret lab somewhere, enemy scientists are popping champagne.”
5/2/20 Blocked From Testifying, Fauci Plans Zoom Call with Entire Country
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress, Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country.
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House’s response to the pandemic. “It’ll be just like one of the task-force briefings, only I’ll actually be allowed to talk,” he said.
Fauci acknowledged that there could be logistical challenges to getting every person in the country on the same Zoom call.
“Our faces will probably look pretty small, and they may freeze if there’s not enough bandwidth,” he said. “You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.”
He said that it was “unlikely” that Donald Trump would be joining the call. “We’re mainly going to be talking about science, so I don’t think it’s his thing,” Fauci said.
5/1/20 Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive
LANSING (The Borowitz Report)—Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, is “arrogantly forcing the residents of her state to remain alive,” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday.
Hinting that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer, Barr alleged that her “unhinged obsession with keeping her state’s residents breathing” represented “government overreach at its worst.”
Barr also suggested that Whitmer’s “blatant anti-coronavirus bias” would likely come back to haunt her at the ballot box.
“Gretchen Whitmer never asked Michiganders for their consent to remain alive, and they won’t forget that any time soon,” Barr said.
4/29/20 Pence Starts Wearing Mask After Fauci Says It Will Protect Him from Women
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that it will protect him from women, Fauci has confirmed.
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the Mayo Clinic, on Tuesday, Fauci said, “I knew I had to come up with something fast” to get through to Pence.
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that “clinical research” had demonstrated that a mask is “an effective female-repellent.”
“I told him that wearing a mask would protect him from 99.99 per cent of all women,” Fauci said. “He seemed very impressed.”
In an official statement, the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that he would start wearing a mask at all times, including at home.
4/28/20 CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.
4/27/20 Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”
In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”
“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”
Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.
“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”
Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”
4/25/20 Experts Believe the Coronavirus Could Be Defeated with the Twenty-fifth Amendment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for, experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
The experts, from the fields of science, public health, government, and law, were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus.
“Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines, but it will be some time before those solutions are viable,” Davis Logsdon, a doctor and professor at the University of Minnesota, said. “The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.”
Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown, Logsdon said, “We’ve learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive, like incompetence, laziness, and ignorance. The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions. It’s like constitutional Lysol.”
Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns, since it has never been used before on a human, but added, “I can think of no better human to use it on.”
4/24/20 Trump Advises States Facing Bankruptcy to Borrow Millions from Their Dads
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Days after the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, advised cash-strapped states to declare bankruptcy, Donald J. Trump added that they could avoid such a filing by borrowing millions from their dads.
“These states need to get on the phone with their dads and explain the mess they’ve gotten themselves into,” Trump said. “Their dads might give them a royal chewing out, but the old men will come through with the cash.”
Detailing his plan to return the states to solvency, Trump said, “Their dads can bring the money into the states in a briefcase, or a bag of casino chips. Whatever’s easiest.”
If, however, their dads “won’t cough up the dough,” Trump told the states that bankruptcy is “no big deal.”
“You can file for bankruptcy four, five, six times,” he said. “It works out very strongly and powerfully, and everything will be nice.”
Trump expressed his surprise that it had never occurred to the states to ask their dads for money. “Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything around here,” he complained.
4/24/19 America’s Four-Year-Olds Warn Against Following Trump’s Medical Advice
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented move, the nation’s four-year-olds have issued an official communiqué warning against following Donald J. Trump’s medical advice.
Asserting that their communiqué was “not about politics,” the four-year-olds said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health.
“By now, many of you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House,” the statement read. “It’s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical or scientific fact.”
“Right now, millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do,” the statement continued. “Still, that’s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells you to do.”
The four-year-olds’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future: “Whenever Donald Trump tells you to do something, ask yourself: If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course not.”
4/22/20 Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.
Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”
“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”
Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”
“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.
4/20/20 Cuomo Says Florida Beachgoers Travelling to New York Must First Be Tested for I.Q.
ALBANY (The Borowitz Report)—After seeing images of Floridians crowding the beaches in Jacksonville, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all Florida beachgoers who travel to New York must first be tested for I.Q.
“Just as we’ve started flattening the curve, a surge in Florida beachgoers is the last thing our state needs,” Cuomo said. “And so, at all points of entry in New York, we will be ramping up I.Q. testing immediately.”
Cuomo said that, in order to administer I.Q. tests to all Florida beachgoers attempting to enter New York, the state will have to purchase tens of thousands of I.Q. tests on the open market.
“I asked the President for help in buying them, but he doesn’t believe in I.Q. tests,” the Governor said.
In Tallahassee, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he was “hopping mad” at Cuomo for insisting that Florida beachgoers prove that they are capable of rational thought.
“I was on the beach in Jacksonville yesterday,” a defiant DeSantis said. “If I fly to New York right now, will my I.Q. be tested?”
Minutes later, Cuomo issued a brief response. “In the case of Governor DeSantis, I don’t think an I.Q. test is necessary,” he said.
4/20/20 Nation’s Parents Fear That If Kids Miss Enough School They Will Turn Out Like Betsy DeVos
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.
As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.
“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”
Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.
“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”
4/17/20 Dr. Oz Fears That Coronavirus Comments Could Hurt His Credibility as Expert on Magic Beans
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans, Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday.
“I’ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world’s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract,” Oz said. “It’s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight, like unwanted pounds.”
Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him based on a few unfortunate comments but, rather, to consider his entire body of medical work, including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones.
“A few ill-considered remarks don’t change the fact that I’m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets,” he said. “And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I’ve promoted astrology, faith healing, and psychic communication with the dead? I should hope not.”
But even as he defended his unimpeachable scientific record, Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken. “In my darkest moments, I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold,” he said.
4/17/20 Fauci: No Evidence That Warmer Weather Will Make Trump Disappear
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to what he called “wishful thinking” on the part of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Thursday that there was “no scientific evidence” that warmer weather will make Donald J. Trump disappear.
Answering a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, Fauci said, “There’s a lot of stuff on the Internet about how, when the warmer weather comes, maybe Trump will disappear, or at least somewhat diminish the wreckage he causes. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence to suggest that this will be the case.”
Fauci said that, based on the photographic and video record of Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort, “He appears to be more active in the warmer weather.”
“When the temperature goes up, he seems to get less lethargic and goes golfing,” Fauci said. “This suggests that, when the summer months come, we could be seeing a second wave of him, unfortunately.”
The esteemed virologist did hold out some hope to Americans who have been counting on a seasonal change to make Trump vanish. “Something like that could happen in November,” he said.
4/15/20 Trump Defends Decision to Sign Stimulus Checks: “I Want My Name to Be Synonymous With the Coronavirus”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump vehemently defended his decision to have his name printed on millions of I.R.S. checks being issued to the American people, telling reporters on Wednesday, “I want my name to be synonymous with the coronavirus.”
Lashing out at critics of his decision, Trump said, “I have been working on this pandemic day in, day out, and I deserve total credit for it.”
He said that, by putting his name on the checks, “Whenever the American people hear about the coronavirus, the first thing they’ll think of is me.”
Asked about Trump’s decision to sign the checks, Dr. Anthony Fauci said, “I don’t think it was really necessary, since most people already associate the coronavirus with him.”
Former President Barack Obama said that he was “surprised” by Trump’s statement, remarking, “I had no idea that he knew what the word ‘synonymous’ meant.”
4/15/20 Trump Says the Three Things He Hates Most Are the World, Health, and Organization
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At Tuesday’s White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing, Donald J. Trump said that the three things he hates the most are the world, health, and organization.
“I hate the world, and I’ve always hated it,” he said. “The world is a horrible place because of all the horrible people in it. Any place that has Jim Acosta in it, I hate. The world is a disgrace.”
“Coming in at No. 2 of things I hate would definitely be health,” he said. “For the past two months, it’s all I’ve been hearing about, health this, health that. I wish health would just disappear. We’re trying to make that happen very strongly.”
“Finally, I’ve got to say that I hate organization,” he said. “Anyone who’s known me for any amount of time knows just how much I despise organization. Now, all of a sudden, governors, these beauties, are coming to me and asking me to organize everything. Well, it’s not gonna happen. For years before I got here, there was organization at the White House, and no one did anything about it. Well, now that I’m President, the federal government is getting out of the organization business.”
4/14/20 National Archives Report Someone Tried to Scrawl “Total Authority” with Sharpie on U.S. Constitution
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “total authority” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.
“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”
“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.
“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.
4/13/20 Study: No One Could Have Seen Pandemic Coming Except People Capable of Reading
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic coming except for people who are capable of reading, a new study indicates.
The study, published by the University of Minnesota, is highly critical of the current early-warning system for global pandemics, which requires that a person have the literacy necessary to read, comprehend, and digest a memo.
“In order to see a pandemic coming, one would have to read and also understand the words, sentences, and paragraphs that compose a typical memo,” Professor Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “And some of these memos can run two, three, even four pages in length.”
For someone who does not typically read, and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day watching television, “A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks.”
Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current “reading-centric” early-warning system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics.
“Right now, the lives of millions depend upon one person not being illiterate,” he said. “That’s setting the bar awfully high.”
4/13/20 Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
4/10/20 Fauci Refuses to Say When It Would Be Safe to Reopen Trump’s Mouth
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump’s mouth.
Fauci was responding to a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump’s mouth could be reopened without endangering public health.
“The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress,” Fauci said. “Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works.”
“We don’t want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and creating even worse problems than we have now,” Fauci added.
Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, “For the sake of argument, could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?”
“In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake,” Fauci said.
4/9/20 Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”
4/8/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Attack the Coronavirus as if It Were an Inspector General
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what he described as a “potentially major breakthrough,” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack covid-19 as if it were an inspector general.
Fauci, who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump, compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday.
“What do you hate more than anything, Mr. President?” Fauci asked.
“Jim Acosta,” Trump immediately replied.
“O.K., fine. But, besides Jim Acosta,” Fauci said, “it would be an inspector general, right?”
“You’re right, Tony,” Trump agreed. “I hate those losers.”
“Well, think of covid-19 as the worst inspector general in the world,” Fauci continued. “It’s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law. It’s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want. You wouldn’t stand for that, would you?”
Reportedly, Trump appeared shaken by Fauci’s analogy. “Damn it, Tony, when you put it that way, we’ve got to do something about covid-19,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action, but added, “Jared could still screw this up.”
4/7/20 Experts Recommend Disinfecting Television After Trump Has Been On
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on, a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday.
“If you have access to disinfectant wipes, thoroughly clean the television,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, said. “If the television is on your kitchen counter, wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher. This won’t eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.”
Dr. Carol Foyler, of U.C.L.A. advised that “disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes, but everyone needs to be aware that, if Trump has been on TV, it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.”
“I would take off your clothes, put them in the wash, and take a shower,” she said. “After you get out of the shower, if you have hand sanitizer, slather your naked body with it. This is what I do after Trump has been on.”
Logsdon agreed with Foyler’s recommendations but added, “I burn my clothes.”
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, of Wake Forest, agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one’s television and burning one’s clothes “half-measures.”
“Last week, I had the TV on, and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing,” he said. “I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television. I carefully placed the television in a garbage bag, sealed it securely with duct tape, and put it out on the street. Everyone should do this right now.”
4/7/20 Peter Navarro’s Ph.D. Revealed to Be from Trump University
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Peter Navarro, the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House’s coronavirus response, earned a Ph.D. from Trump University, it emerged on Tuesday.
Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments, his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning, when Donald J. Trump cited it as “the reason I hired him.”
According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript, Navarro majored in Trump Studies, which the defunct university’s course catalogue described as the “study of the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.”
To earn his Ph.D., Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “Donald J. Trump: Genius or Savior?” Extolling Navarro’s academic work, Trump said, “If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro, I’ll go with the Trump University grad, every time.”
For his part, Navarro told reporters that “fighting a pandemic isn’t rocket science,” but added that he is also an expert in rocket science.
4/6/20 Trump Optimistic About Winning Nobel Prize in Medicine
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an “amazing accomplishment,” Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he believes that he is the “clear favorite” to win this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine.
Trump said that he was a “lock” to win the Nobel because of his pioneering work in prescribing the drug hydroxychloroquine.
“I’ve been talking about hydroxychloroquine so much that a lot of people think I invented it,” Trump said. “You have to give the Nobel to someone who invents a major drug like that.”
He dismissed any claim that his lack of medical credentials disqualify him from winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine.
“Just the opposite,” he said. “The fact that I’m not a doctor makes my ability to prescribe drugs that much more impressive.”
Trump said that he hoped the Nobel committee would be a “hell of a lot more fair” about giving out the Nobel in Medicine than they were in bestowing the Nobel Peace Prize.
“I did peace, I did peace great, and I didn’t get the Peace Prize,” Trump said. “If I don’t get the Medicine Prize, then the whole Nobel business is rigged.”
He revealed that his medical discoveries had “blown away” the doctors on the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“When I tell Tony Fauci some of the stuff I’ve come up with, he just shakes his head,” Trump said.
4/4/20 National Incompetence Stockpiles at Full Capacity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Incompetence Stockpiles, the federal reserves of inanity and ineptitude to be drawn upon in times of crisis, are at “full capacity,” the Government Accountability Office announced on Saturday.
According to the G.A.O., the Incompetence Stockpiles are so well stocked at the moment that they are in danger of overflowing.
“The sheer tonnage of failure and impotence that is being dumped into the stockpiles on a daily basis is straining their ability to contain it,” the G.A.O. statement read.
Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota who has written the definitive book about the National Incompetence Stockpiles, said that the nation’s futility reserves stand at their highest levels ever, eclipsing the record stockpiles established during the tenure of President George W. Bush.
“The Bush Administration tapped the National Incompetence Stockpiles when it invaded Iraq and responded to Hurricane Katrina,” Logsdon said. “At the time, it seemed as though the stockpiles would never be fully replenished, and that makes the Trump Administration’s achievement all the more striking.”
According to the statutes governing the National Incompetence Stockpiles, individual states may draw on the federal reserves of idiocy in times of emergency, but so far the governors of states like Georgia, Texas, and Florida have been able to rely on vast stockpiles of their own.
4/3/20 Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.
4/2/20 Trump Launches “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing” with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.”
Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “getting kind of old.”
“CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show, and that made me very unhappy,” he said. “I realized I had to jazz things up.”
The first episode of “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing,” to air next Monday, will feature two Trump favorites,Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman.
“We’re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts,” he said. “Everybody I talk to hates the charts.”
Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show’s current cast members would have to go.
“Does Mike Pence stay in the cast?” he said. “He’s not a lock. Tony and Deborah? Not sure. The only person who’s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy.”
4/1/20 Trump Practicing Distancing from All His Prior Statements About the Coronavirus
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday, Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus.
“As of today, I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about covid-19 in the months of January, February, and March,” he said. “I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements, and probably more like ten thousand feet.”
Trump said that he could not predict how long his new practice of distancing would continue, but indicated, “Next week, I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week. This could go on for a long time.”
He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements, as well. “If you’re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February, leave the room immediately,” he advised.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed virologist, expressed approval of Trump’s new policy. “Personally, I have been distancing myself from his statements for months,” he said.
3/31/20 Trump Catches Melania Watching Cuomo Briefing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An awkward scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump came upon his wife, Melania, furtively watching New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily coronavirus briefing.
According to White House sources, Trump was walking down a corridor of the Family Residence when he heard a familiar nasal voice emanating from the Lincoln Bedroom, droning on about masks and ventilators.
Bursting into the room, Trump came upon his wife watching Cuomo with rapt attention.
Caught by surprise, Melania quickly turned off the television and claimed that she was only watching Cuomo “to see how many big, terrible mistakes he makes.”
While her husband seemed to accept her explanation, the incident raised eyebrows at the White House, where, for weeks, the First Lady has been vanishing midday to watch the Governor’s daily covid-19 updates.
Reportedly, last week a White House staffer observed Melania alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, the lights dimmed, the room illuminated only by the flickering image of Andrew Cuomo.
Unaware that she was being watched, the First Lady was overheard murmuring to Cuomo, “You be best.”
3/31/20 America’s Teachers Urge Trump to Use Time at Home to Repeat First Grade
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade, the nation’s teachers are urging.
Carol Foyler, the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators, said that the homebound Trump has a “golden opportunity” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum.
“At a time when many of our nation’s children are being homeschooled, this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading, writing, and math,” she said. “By June, he could be reading ‘Hop on Pop’ and ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ ”
She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump, “except Jared.”
Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation’s teachers, who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten.
“From an educational standpoint, the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along with others,” she said. “I think the ship has sailed on that.”
That disagreement aside, Foyler said that the nation’s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources. “He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country,” she said.
3/30/20 Fauci Warns Trump That If Everyone in U.S. Dies It Could Affect His TV Ratings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of covid-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.
3/28/20 Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “a bad idea” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat covid-19, Dr. Fauci has confirmed.
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning, arguing that it would address the “biggest problem” created by the pandemic thus far: the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it.
“A parade would put Jay Inslee and that woman in Michigan in their place,” Trump bitterly insisted.
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade, a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “much nicer” if held after the pandemic is over.
“Would I still be able to have tanks?” a crestfallen Trump asked.
“Yes, you could have tanks,” Fauci replied.
“What about balloons?” Trump asked.
“You can have all the balloons you want,” the virologist said. “I promise you.”
Speaking to reporters, Dr. Fauci said he believed that, after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump, “I think I got through to him,” adding, “I’ve gotta lie down now.”
3/26/20 New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.
In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.
After weeks of near-constant exposure, however, the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “a hundred per cent asymptomatic” of intelligence, the researchers found.
“In terms of facts, data, and wisdom, there was zero community spread,” the report stated.
The researchers, however, left open the possibility that intelligence might be transmissible to other people, just not to the seventy-three-year-old who was the subject of the experiment.
“There is evidence to suggest that this subject has developed a super-immunity to intelligence, making it impossible for even rudimentary information to permeate his extraordinarily thick cranium,” the study indicated.
3/25/20 Fauci Tricks Trump Into Believing There Is No Easter This Year
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year, Fauci has confirmed.
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday, an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action.
“I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it,” Fauci said. “Then I showed it to Trump and said, ‘There’s a problem with your plan, Mr. President. There’s no Easter this year.’”
According to Fauci, Trump was initially baffled by the news. “How could that be?” Trump asked. “There’s Easter every year.”
“This is a leap year,” the quick-thinking virologist replied.
“I guess I didn’t know it worked that way,” Trump said. “I never go to church.”
Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that, if all goes according to plan, the country could be reopened in time for Easter Sunday, 2021, a suggestion that Trump appeared somewhat reluctantly to accept.
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now entered a new phase. “I’ve given up on containment, and I’m just doing mitigation,” he said.
3/24/20 Trump Invokes Defense Production Act to Mass-Produce Gallons of Spray Tan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.
3/22/20 Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.
Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.
“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.”
But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”
Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.
3/21/20 Forty Per Cent of Nation’s Toilet Paper Found in Richard Burr’s Garage
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report—In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, forty per cent of the nation’s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr’s garage.
The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning, when Burr, who had been checking stock quotes on his phone, accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener.
The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper, which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks.
Picking through the mess, a sharp-eyed neighbor of Burr’s found a Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January, shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the covid-19 pandemic.
In an official statement, Burr angrily denied that there was “anything inappropriate” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage.
“My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed, in 1984,” he said. “I have never been a part of those decisions, and any attempt to imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.”
Burr said that, in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions, he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll.
3/20/20 Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”
Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.
“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.
Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.
3/19/20 Fox to Address Coronavirus Crisis with Three-Part Series on Hunter Biden
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Determined to address the “No. 1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis,” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden.
The series, to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden’s son.
“People are trapped inside their homes, they’re worried, they’re scared, and they don’t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden,” Hannity said. “We’re here to fill that need.”
Giuliani said that the three-part series was necessary because “the deep state” had limited Americans’ access to essential Hunter Biden facts during the pandemic crisis.
“If you go on the C.D.C. Web site, you won’t find a single mention of Hunter Biden, Burisma, or CrowdStrike,” Giuliani said. “It’s a disgrace.”
In the first episode of the series, the Fox hosts will attempt to answer what Carlson called “the most important question on our viewers’ minds: Did Hunter Biden cause the coronavirus?”
“As of now, there is no evidence that Hunter Biden caused the coronavirus,” Carlson said. “However, there is also no evidence that he didn’t cause it. That’s the angle we’re going to be focussing on.”
3/17/20 Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.
“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”
Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.
Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.
3/16/20 Trump Tests Negative For Empathy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.
In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”
“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”
The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.
“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.
Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.
3/13/20 Dr. Anthony Fauci Changes Trump’s Twitter Password
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters. “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”
During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.
Springing into action, Fauci surreptitiously took custody of Trump’s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter of seconds.
“I’d never hacked into a Twitter account before,” he said. “My heart was beating like a rabbit’s.”
Fauci said that there was “little to no chance” of Trump being able to guess his new password. “I used a polysyllabic word,” Fauci said.
3/12/20 Nation Baffled That Former Reality-Show Host Not Prepared for This
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this, Americans confirmed on Thursday.
In interviews across the country, individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic.
Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Lexington, Kentucky, said, “On his TV show, he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him. I assumed that that experience would come in handy if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, was equally puzzled. “When I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought, O.K., here’s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers,” he said. “What went wrong?”
Daniela Kartpin, of Minneapolis, said that the reality-show host’s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken. “I always thought that if the country ever faced an existential threat, the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment,” she said. “This whole thing is starting to make me wonder.”
3/9/20 Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.”
Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.
3/9/20 Cruise-Ship Passengers Demand to Be Housed at Mar-a-Lago
OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago, the passengers confirmed on Monday.
Frustrated by the Trump Administration’s delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark, the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was “only fair” that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home.
“Donald Trump keeps on saying that he’s not worried about coronavirus,” the passengers’ spokesman said. “Then he shouldn’t object to three thousand of us living with him.”
The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style, which includes golf, swimming, and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room.
At the White House, Trump said that, if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago, they should stay as far away from him as possible, “like Melania does when she’s down there.”
The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy, drooping eyelids, and other flu-like symptoms turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson.
3/6/20 Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the covid-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.
3/5/20 Washington, D.C., Man Linked to Community Spread of Coronavirus Misinformation
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A resident of Washington, D.C., has been identified as the source of the community spread of coronavirus misinformation throughout the United States.
Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Thursday that the man had ignored the advice of public-health experts and spewed a toxic strain of ignorance, potentially infecting millions.
The man, believed to be a fact-resistant organism, travelled last week to South Carolina, where he came in contact with thousands of people who, as a result of community spread, now believe that coronavirus is a hoax.
The epidemic of cluelessness expanded last night, when the man called in to a Fox News television program to encourage people with coronavirus to go to work rather than stay at home, as scientists have urged.
A C.D.C. spokesperson in Atlanta said there are steps that the public can take to avoid becoming infected by the man’s noxious contagion of falsehoods.
“According to the data we have, the most virulent misinformation is transmitted via this man’s oral cavity,” the spokesperson said. “If you turn on your TV and see him open his mouth, move as far away as possible.”
3/4/20 Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.
“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
Trump’s tirade against Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state, a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence’s inadequate praying efforts.
“They’re still voting in California,” Trump barked at Pence around midnight. “Get down on your knees and get to work, you loser.”
According to White House sources, Trump’s insistence that Pence pray for Biden’s failure has pushed the Vice-President “to the breaking point.”
“He’s already spending hours every day praying for the stock market to go up,” one source said.
3/2/20 TULSI GABBARD’S NINE SUPPORTERS URGE HER TO DROP OUT OF RACE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her nine supporters announced on Monday.
The announcement from Gabbard’s nine followers surprised many Democrats, who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running.
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary, the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard’s path to the nomination had grown “dauntingly narrow.”
“We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing President of the United States,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters, said. “But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.”
Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign, noting, “By not appearing in the past two debates, she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.”
Reached at her office in Washington, a defiant Gabbard said that she was “in it to win it” and that she still had the strong support of her imaginary friends.
2/28/20 C.D.C. DIRECTOR SAYS CORONAVIRUS EFFORT COULD BE HELPED BY QUARANTINING PENCE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an aids outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.
2/26/20 TRUMP PLANS TO DESTROY CORONAVIRUS WITH AN INCREDIBLY MEAN TWEET
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Wednesday that he was planning to destroy the coronavirus by sending an “incredibly mean tweet” in its direction.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he was already in the process of crafting insults about the virus that would obliterate it once and for all.
In a preview of the mean tweet he is devising, Trump said, “The thing about the virus is it’s incredibly small. It’s smaller than Mike Bloomberg. Once I point that out, the coronavirus won’t know what hit it.”
He added that he was also in the process of coming up with an insulting nickname for the virus.
“It’s going to be something about how small it is,” Trump said. “Something like Lil’ Micro Mini Virus. I’m still working on it, but it’s going to be so mean. You won’t believe how mean it’s going to be.”
Trump was dismissive of the scientists who have raised dire concerns about the virus in recent days. “These so-called experts are the same people who said I needed sunglasses to stare at the eclipse,” he said.
2/25/20 RUTH BADER GINSBURG SAYS TRUMP SHOULD RECUSE HIMSELF FROM ALL DECISIONS INVOLVING THE FUTURE OF THE COUNTRY
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his personal interests put him in direct conflict with the interests of the United States of America, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has demanded that Donald Trump recuse himself from all decisions involving the future of the U.S.
Speaking from her office at the Supreme Court, Ginsburg said that Trump’s oft-stated allegiance to himself makes it impossible for him to render unbiased decisions on issues affecting people other than himself.
“Since the United States is populated by three hundred and thirty-one million people who are not him, any decision regarding their fates would, by definition, ensnare Trump in an insoluble conflict of interest,” she said.
Ginsburg enumerated a list of issues about which Trump should immediately recuse himself, including immigration, trade, taxes, the social safety net, women’s reproductive rights, health care, the economy, the military, the environment, “and any other issues related to domestic or foreign policy not listed above.”
Ginsburg stressed, however, that, even after recusing himself from those matters, Trump would still be allowed to weigh in on other important decisions, like “what to eat and which channel to watch.”
2/19/20 MEXICO TIGHTENS BORDER AFTER TRUMP PARDONS WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.
2/18/20 BLOOMBERG ENRAGES TRUMP BY BUYING GREENLAND
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an apparently successful attempt to get under the skin of Donald Trump, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark.
In an official statement released on Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen, would not disclose the price that Bloomberg paid for Greenland but indicated that it was an “all-cash offer.”
“Mr. Bloomberg has a lot of money,” Frederiksen added.
News of Bloomberg’s purchase of Greenland reportedly infuriated Trump, who immediately ordered his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to make an offer to buy the Faroe Islands from Denmark.
Within minutes, however, Denmark rebuffed Kushner’s bid. “We do not believe Donald Trump is capable of running the Faroe Islands,” Frederiksen said.
As for Bloomberg, his campaign released a brief statement about the historic purchase of the 836,330-square-mile landmass, saying only, “Mike gets it done.”
2/13/20 BILL BARR RUSHED TO WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER AFTER REMOTE-CONTROL IMPLANT IN BRAIN FAILS
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday afternoon after the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed, the White House has confirmed.
White House aides first noticed signs of the implant’s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News, after which the Attorney General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed.
A team of surgeons was able to identify the problem with Barr’s implant after an examination revealed a “low-power issue,” a Walter Reed spokesperson said.
After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr’s implant, the Attorney General appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside.
“Donald Trump is our greatest President,” he said, staring into the middle distance.
2/12/20 JUDGE SENTENCES ROGER STONE TO HOUSE ARREST IN SUSAN COLLINS’S HOME
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that Donald Trump called “incredibly unfair,” Judge Amy Berman Jackson has sentenced Roger Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins, of Maine.
As part of the sentence, Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof as Stone, in Bangor, and insure that he is properly fed, clothed, and exercised until 2030.
The sentence immediately drew howls of protest from Stone, who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins would “send me over the edge.”
“Judge, can we revisit the whole prison idea?” Stone begged Jackson.
For her part, Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone’s jailer was a good idea, adding that she would “need more time to think about it.”
Jackson said that Stone’s house arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election, at which point Collins is expected to be home on a permanent basis.
2/10/20 PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS TROUBLED OR CONCERNED SHOULD GET DIFFERENT JOB, WORKPLACE EXPERTS SAY
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—An employee who regularly self-identifies as “troubled” or “concerned” would benefit from seeking a different job, leading workplace experts said on Monday.
Professor Davis Logsdon, the director of the University of Minnesota’s Workplace Health Institute, cited the case of a Maine woman who appeared to undergo a traumatic experience every time she was faced with a difficult decision at work.
“According to her own account, each decision followed an excruciating period of existential torment,” Logsdon said. “Any employee who finds decision-making this harrowing should clearly consider working somewhere else.”
Logsdon said that the woman’s frequent episodes of being troubled and/or concerned usually resulted in an unsatisfactory outcome.
“At the end of her nightmarish deliberation process, she lost the capacity for individual judgment,” he said. “She just went along with what everyone else in the office decided to do, regardless of the harm that such a decision might cause.”
Consequently, the researchers at the Workplace Health Institute concluded that any person who approaches his or her job with the levels of self-doubt and anxiety regularly exhibited by the Maine woman should find a new job that requires no decision-making whatsoever.
“In her current position, she is useless,” Logsdon said.
2/5/2020 TRUMP ACCUSES BUTTIGIEG OF SUSPICIOUS TRAVEL TO AFGHANISTAN
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of Pete Buttigieg’s strong showing in the Iowa caucuses, Donald J. Trump accused the former South Bend, Indiana, mayor of engaging in “suspicious travel” to Afghanistan.
“People are saying that he went to Afghanistan for seven months in 2014,” Trump told the hosts of “Fox & Friends” in a phone call. “Seven months is a long time to be running around in a Muslim country full of terrorists, don’t you think?”
He added that Buttigieg reportedly had a gun with him while he was in Afghanistan, a fact that Trump said “sounds fishy to me.”
“Let’s see, you fly all the way to a Muslim country full of all of these terrorists who need guns, and you’re bringing a gun into a country like that?” Trump said. “Who was he planning to give that gun to?”
“I don’t know if he was part of some caliphate or just helping them out, but we ought to find out,” he said. “I have a call in to the President of Afghanistan.”
Trump said that his suspicions about Buttigieg’s “totally unexplained travel to Afghanistan” spiked when he saw a photo of the former mayor “dressed up in some kind of weird camouflage suit.”
“You have to see this picture—he’s all dressed up in camo or whatever, like he’s ready for some kind of battle,” Trump said. “You’ll never find a picture of me dressed like that.”
2/4/2020 FLORIDA OFFERS TO HELP IOWA COUNT VOTES
TALLAHASSEE, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the delay in the release of the Iowa caucus results “a threat to democracy,” the state of Florida has offered to help Iowa with the vote-counting process.
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for Florida’s official electoral commission, said on Tuesday morning that “Florida stands ready and willing to restore credibility to Iowa’s vote-tabulation procedures.”
Dorrinson added that Katherine Harris, Florida’s former secretary of state, was eager to “roll up her sleeves and clean up Iowa’s mess.”
“Just say the word, Iowa, and Katherine Harris will be on the next plane out,” he said.
For their part, Iowa Democratic Party officials said that they were already making great progress in counting the caucus results, and that early returns indicated that a white person had won.
1/30/20 EL CHAPO OUTRAGED THAT HIS TRIAL INCLUDED WITNESSES
FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.
1/27/20 TRUMP SAYS HE HAS NO INTENTION OF HAVING BOLTON’S BOOK READ ALOUD TO HIM
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said.
“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”
Trump acknowledged that Ivanka had previously read aloud to him other books that he had not enjoyed, such as “A Warning,” by Anonymous.
“That Anonymous guy has to be the worst writer,” he said. “After Ivanka read ten pages of that crap to me, I told her to throw the book across the room, and she did.”
Trump said that he hears “many books” a week, and that sometimes his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, takes turns with Ivanka reading them aloud to him.
“I’ve enjoyed hearing Sean Hannity’s books and Laura Ingraham’s books,” Trump said. “But John Bolton’s? Please. That’s the last book I want to hear when Ivanka and Jared tuck me in at night.”
1/24/20 TRUMP DEFENSE TEAM SCRAMBLING TO FIND EXAMPLE OF LAW TRUMP DID NOT BREAK
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperately trying to change the narrative after a week of damaging presentations, Donald J. Trump’s defense team is scrambling to find an example of one law that Trump did not break, sources confirmed on Friday.
In concert with two of Jeffrey Epstein’s most prominent defenders, Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, Trump’s personal attorney Jay Sekulow has been scouring federal, state, and municipal law books in the hopes of finding one statute that Trump, for whatever reason, did not violate.
“So far, no luck,” a source close to the defense team said.
If the attorneys do manage to find a law that Trump did not break, that information will be “locked down” in a secure server to which Trump himself will not have access.
“They’re trying to prevent the worst-case scenario, where Trump discovers there’s a law he hasn’t broken yet and immediately goes and breaks it,” the source said.
As the pressure on the defense team mounts, Dershowitz has privately expressed regret that he got involved with Trump’s case.
“O.J. was easier than this,” he was overheard muttering.
1/21/20 Susan Collins Takes Hours to Decide on Lunch Before Ordering Exactly What Mitch McConnell Is Having
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate, Senator Susan Collins, a Republican of Maine, spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having.
Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands, Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one.
“I’m deeply troubled and concerned about getting this order right,” Collins said. “There are many valid choices on this menu and I don’t want to give any of them short shrift.”
Around 11 a.m., rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad, a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber.
By noon, however, Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen, a roast beef sandwich on a roll.
“At the end of the day, there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better,” she said.
According to sources, Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her.
1/16/20 Trump Stays Up All Night with Sharpie Crossing Out Lev Parnas in Photos with Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.
Trump, his hands blackened by ink, started working his way through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 p.m., a White House source confirmed.
After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas, Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas deletions.
“Get Pence and Barr in here!” Trump reportedly thundered. “If I’m going down, they’re going down!”
According to the White House source, Pence and Barr appeared within minutes but were not joined by Representative Devin Nunes, who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office with a Sharpie and his phone logs.
1/14/20 Democrats Demand That Giuliani Be Trump’s Lawyer at Impeachment Trial
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rudolph Giuliani’s offer to act as Donald J. Trump’s defense attorney at the President’s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats, who are now demanding that he perform such a role.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani’s participation as Trump’s lawyer during his Senate trial was, as far as they were concerned, “nonnegotiable.”
“Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can represent the President as no one else can,” Pelosi said. “If he is not the President’s lawyer in the Senate, that would be a deal-breaker for me.”
Concurring with Pelosi, Schumer added, “My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani’s hourly fees, in cash, to make this thing happen.”
Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial. “No witnesses,” she said. “Just Giuliani.”
Appearing on Fox News, Giuliani said that he was “a little surprised” by the Democrats’ enthusiastic support, adding, “Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning, which I thought was really nice.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial, nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate’s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry.
1/13/20 Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote for Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.
The poll found that sixteen per cent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one per cent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three per cent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”
By contrast, only eight per cent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, said that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect.”
“If this many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.
1/8/20 Trump Furious at Iran for Distracting People from Impeachment for Only Two Days
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “incredibly angry” at Iran for taking the American people’s attention away from his impeachment for only about two days, Trump told reporters on Wednesday.
“When I did that drone strike, I was under the impression that it would knock impeachment out of the news for at least a month,” a visibly enraged Trump said. “Instead, it’s Wednesday and we’re back to this Pelosi garbage.”
Trump said that he had hoped that Iranians would react to his provocation in a way that might have forced Democrats to forget about impeaching him altogether, but “all I got for my trouble was a chickenshit couple of days.”
“Honestly, Iran reacted like it was Belgium or something,” Trump said.
Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “if this is the thanks I get,” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment.
“Should I have attacked North Korea?” he said. “Frankly, I don’t know who to trust anymore.”
Borowitz Report (Satire) posted 1/6/20 10:54 EST (He's Back!) Happy New Year!
1/6/20 Ayatollah Mystified That He Is the Only Dictator Trump Dislikes
TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, is “completely baffled” as to why he appears to be the only dictator whom Donald J. Trump does not like, the autocrat said on Monday.
Speaking to reporters in Tehran, the long-reigning tyrant expressed puzzlement and dismay that Trump had not given him the adulation that he has showered on seemingly every other totalitarian in the world.
“Trump loves Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, and he’s even given Kim Jong Un a cute nickname, but, for some mysterious reason, I leave him cold,” the visibly saddened Ayatollah said. “I just don’t get it.”
Khamenei initially tried not to take Trump’s distaste for him personally, he said, “but when it became clear that he liked even second-tier strongmen like Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, of Turkey, and Rodrigo Duterte, of the Philippines, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.”
One possible reason Trump might dislike him, the Ayatollah theorized, is that “he just doesn’t realize how repressive I am.”
“If he did his homework, he’d see that I trample press freedoms, shred basic human rights, and persecute political opponents,” he said. “In terms of the things that are important to him, I really check all the boxes.”
Reports below are in reverse chronological order.
8/26/20 Hundreds of R.N.C. Attendees Test Positive for Delusion
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—An outbreak hit the 2020 Republican National Convention this week as hundreds of attendees tested positive for delusion.
While public-health experts have yet to determine the extent of the outbreak, the episodes of attendees exhibiting magical thinking bordering on the hallucinatory appear to be widespread.
Davis Logsdon, who studies delusional epidemics at the University of Minnesota’s School of Medicine, said that multiple R.N.C. participants professed to see things “that are not actually there,” such as a strong economy, a successful coronavirus response, and an immigration policy brimming with kindness.
In another worrying symptom, Logsdon said that attendees who tested positive were unable to see things that were clearly in their line of vision. “One participant on Monday was shouting for more than six minutes despite the presence of a microphone inches away from her,” he said.
While scientists tried to get their arms around the extent of the outbreak, containing the spread of delusion at the R.N.C. will be “challenging,” Logsdon warned.
“The most successful treatment for delusion is facts, and these patients have built up an immunity to those over the course of many years,” he said.
8/25/20 Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”
“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”
Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.
“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.
She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said.
8/24/20 Bannon Selling Ten-Thousand-Dollar Passes to View Live Stream of Republican Convention
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—In what he is calling “the opportunity of a lifetime,” Steve Bannon is offering an exclusive ten-thousand-dollar pass to view a live stream of the 2020 Republican National Convention.
The pass, which Bannon is marketing as the magaViewPass™, will offer customers “a one-of-a-kind chance to see the R.N.C. live, as it happens,” according to his promotional Web site.
“With the magaViewPass™, you’ll be able to bring the excitement of the R.N.C. into your own home, as you experience the pageantry of the Republican National Convention on your TV, tablet, or phone,” the Web site promises.
Additionally, Bannon’s site claims, those who purchase the magaViewPass™ will get “unprecedented access” to live speeches by Vice-President Mike Pence, Melania Trump, and “Donald J. Trump himself.”
“You won’t see these amazing speeches anywhere else,” the site boasts.
The magaViewPass™ site asserts that “nearly one hundred per cent” of proceeds will be donated to Trump’s reëlection effort, with a small fraction covering miscellaneous expenses, including but not limited to Bannon’s bail.
8/24/20 Republican National Convention to Air on Syfy Channel
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—The 2020 Republican National Convention will make history this week when it airs on Syfy for the first time ever.
Harland Dorrinson, a programming executive for the science-fiction channel, called the 2020 R.N.C. a “perfect fit for Syfy.”
“We’d been looking for some fresh science fiction/fantasy programming to spice up our summer schedule,” he said. “We feel like we’ve hit the motherlode.”
Previewing the science-fiction scenarios that the R.N.C. will likely feature, he said, “We’re hoping that Trump unveils some of his amazing mad-scientist potions and Pence does something cool about Space Force. The whole show is very on brand for us.”
The decision to broadcast the R.N.C., however, drew howls of protest from Syfy viewers who were furious to see the Convention preëmpt their favorite programs.
“The Republican National Convention does not belong on Syfy,” one irate viewer complained. “Science fiction has to be at least based on science.”
8/21/20 Trump Calls Biden’s Pro-Empathy Message Offensive to Sociopaths
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “hurtful and insulting,” Donald J. Trump on Friday said that Joe Biden’s pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “deeply offensive” to the nation’s sociopaths.
Blasting Biden’s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric, Trump said that the “roomful of sociopaths” with whom he watched the speech found it “alienating and divisive.”
“I was watching with Jared, Stephen Miller, and Mitch McConnell, and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff, we all felt very alone,” he said. “He said that he wants to be a President for all Americans, but I guess that doesn’t include sociopaths.”
Calling Biden “a puppet of compassionate extremists,” he demanded that the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country.
“Sociopaths have feelings, just not for other people,” he said.
8/20/20 Trump Fails Cognitive Test When Asked to Remember Steve Bannon
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s stellar reputation for mental acuity took a hit on Thursday when he failed a cognitive test in which he was asked to remember Steve Bannon.
According to the White House physician, Trump was shown several pictures and asked to identify them, including ones of a woman, a man, a camera, a TV, and Steve Bannon.
“He nailed woman, man, camera, and TV but drew a blank when it came to Steve Bannon,” the physician said. “He said he was unfamiliar with that picture and could not remember ever seeing that person before.”
After repeated attempts to jog Trump’s memory concerning the identity of Steve Bannon, including writing the name Steve Bannon on a notecard and showing it to him, the physician gave up trying.
On a positive note, the physician said, Trump’s cognition appeared to improve later in the morning, when he was able to block Steve Bannon on Twitter, Facebook, and his phone.
8/20/20 Obama Renews Lease Inside Trump’s Head
PHILADELPHIA (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama announced on Wednesday night that he had renewed his lease inside Donald Trump’s head.
Obama, who took up residence in Trump’s head during the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, said that his new lease will run until November 3rd of this year.
“I’ve enjoyed living there for the past nine years,” Obama said. “It’s really the only Trump property I’d ever consider staying in.”
He confirmed reports that, as of Monday night, his wife, Michelle Obama, had also taken up residence in Trump’s head.
“Fortunately, there’s plenty of room for both of us,” he said.
8/19/20 Melania to Deliver Convention Speech from Empty Classroom at Trump University
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a great idea I just had,” Melania Trump said on Wednesday morning that she would deliver her Republican National Convention speech from an empty classroom at Trump University.
Trump said that, to set the stage for her speech, she would stroll down the hallway of the now shuttered educational institution before settling in at a desk in one of its many disused classrooms.
She indicated that she would use the intimate setting to talk about the many personal challenges that her husband, Donald J. Trump, has faced in his life.
“There was that very sad day when he found out that he had bone spurs and could not serve in Vietnam,” she said. “But he somehow stood tall and went on to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from his father.”
Trump added that, if her husband is reëlected, she hopes that the halls of Trump University “will be full once again with the happy pitter-patter of students hoping to make fortunes in real estate.”
“That be best,” she said.
8/18/20 Susan B. Anthony Begs Trump Not to Pardon Her: “I Don’t Want to Be on a Wikipedia Page with Roger Stone”
HEAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare utterance from beyond the grave, Susan B. Anthony on Tuesday begged Donald J. Trump not to pardon her, stating, “I don’t want to be on the same Wikipedia page as Roger Stone.”
Noting that an entire Wikipedia page had been created to record the people to whom Trump had granted executive clemency, Anthony said, “It wasn’t exactly my dream to wind up on the same list as a guy with a Nixon tattoo on his back.”
In a further expression of horror, Anthony told Trump, “Plus, pardoning me would mean that you would now be on my Wikipedia page. I am physically shuddering up here.”
Anthony noted that it was “super ironic” that Trump planned to pardon her on the same day that he blasted Michelle Obama. “It would be cool if you were as nice to historic women who are still alive as you are to dead ones,” she said.
8/17/20 Harris Tells Trump She Cannot Send Him Birth Certificate Without Postal Service
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An apologetic Kamala Harris told Donald J. Trump on Monday that she will be unable to provide him with a certified copy of her birth certificate in the absence of a fully functioning postal service.
“In order to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, I have to send a letter to the California Department of Public Health,” she said. “That is really tricky to do without a mailbox.”
If the C.D.P.H. somehow receives her letter, Senator Harris said, “it will then have to mail my birth certificate back to me—again, a difficult task if there is no mail.”
Harris informed Trump that, if by some miracle she were to receive her birth certificate in the mail, “I would then have to mail it to you. Again, not easy.”
The senator said that she was “deeply sorry” that the United States Postal Service’s funding problems would make getting her birth certificate to Trump so challenging.
“I know that the question of my birth has been a cause of great distress to you,” she said. “I would do anything to ease your mind about this issue.”
She concluded her letter by saying that she was unsure whether her letter would ever arrive.
8/16/20 Bill Barr Injures Back While Trying to Lift Mailbox Into Truck
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr suffered what was described as a “severe back strain” while trying to lift a mailbox into a pickup truck on Saturday.
According to Barr, he tried to give the mailbox “one good yank” to heave it into the truck, when he heard “something go pop” in his back.
“I remember thinking, Hoo, boy, that’s not good,” Barr said.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the injury to Barr was “disgraceful” and yet another argument against mail-in voting.
“How can we expect the Postal Service to run a fair election when a mailbox almost killed poor Bill Barr?” he asked. “It’s something we’re going to be looking into very strongly.”
As for Barr, who is recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the Attorney General acknowledged that lifting mailboxes was “probably a two-man job,” and said that next time he would get Mike Pence to help.
8/15/20 Trump Questions Whether Oakland Is Located in United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Saturday by questioning whether the city of Oakland was located in the United States of America.
“Some very smart people are wondering about that,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “It’s something that needs to be looked into.”
Trump explained that Oakland was “probably a completely different country,” because “a lot of countries end in the word ‘land.’ ”
“You’ve got countries like Ireland, Iceland, and Greenland,” he said. “So you probably would have to add a country like Oakland to that list.”
Trump’s suffix-based theory of countries drew a question from one of the reporters present, CNN’s Jim Acosta.
“Portland also ends in ‘land,’ ” Acosta said. “Does that mean that, when you sent federal troops to Portland, you were invading a foreign country?”
“No, that means you’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
8/14/20 Obama Hurt By Trump’s Reuse of Birther Strategy: “I Thought It Was a Special Thing Between Him and Me”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Friday that he was “deeply saddened” to hear Donald J. Trump reuse his racist birther strategy this week, stating, “I thought that it was a special thing between him and me.”
His voice cracking with emotion, Obama said that, during all the years Trump launched birther attacks against him, “I was under the impression that he was crafting those lies for me and me alone.”
“I guess I was wrong,” he said wistfully.
Hearing Trump employ identical slurs against someone new “cheapened the memory of our years together,” Obama said.
“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt,” he added.
Obama also had words of warning for Senator Kamala Harris. “Don’t make the mistake I made and think that he really cares about where you were born,” he said. “Eventually, he’ll just move on and question the birthplace of someone else. I found out the hard way.”
8/13/20 TRUMP ACCUSES KAMALA HARRIS OF MALICIOUSLY SPEAKING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown of Joe Biden’s running mate, Donald Trump on Thursday accused Senator Kamala Harris of maliciously speaking in complete sentences.
Blasting her penchant for hewing to the rules of grammar, Trump said, “A lot of people are saying, mean, nasty, disrespectful. To a new level, like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Sad,” he said. “Sick and sad.”
Trump also was contemptuous of Biden, noting, “Sleepy Joe—something’s going on.”
“Quite frankly,” he added.
In his most withering criticism, Trump suggested that Harris’s stubborn insistence on making subjects agree with verbs was an insult to every American voter.
8/12/20 Harris’s Approval Rating Soars After Trump Reminds Nation How “Nasty” She Was to Kavanaugh
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Kamala Harris saw her approval rating soar on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump reminded the American people that she had been “nasty” to Brett Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings.
In interviews across the country, voters expressed gratitude to Trump for reminding them that Harris had been responsible for one of their favorite televised moments in recent history.
“When Trump said that she had been ‘nasty’ to Kavanaugh, I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, said. “It really holds up.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Wichita, Kansas, agreed. “Watching Kamala Harris own Kavanaugh made me happy for weeks,” he said. “I have to thank Trump for making that happy memory come flooding back.”
Canter Lisson, who lives in Portland, Maine, also appreciated being reminded of Harris’s demolition of Kavanaugh, but he sounded a wistful note.
“It’s too bad that, if she’s elected Vice-President, she won’t have many opportunities to be ‘nasty’ to Brett Kavanaugh,” he said. “Still, I’ll always be grateful for the one time I saw her be ‘nasty’ to him. It gave me a reason to live.”
8/11/20 Trump Praises Woodrow Wilson for Opposing Online Learning During 1918 Pandemic
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare instance of praising one of his White House predecessors, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday hailed Woodrow Wilson for opposing efforts to institute online learning during the 1918 pandemic.
“There were a lot of crybabies in 1918 saying, ‘The schools aren’t safe—let the kids learn on their computers,’ ” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Woody wouldn’t hear of it.”
Instead, Trump said, “Kids went to school and the influenza just kind of disappeared eventually. Woody did a fantastic job.”
Trump added that, during the 1918 pandemic, “The hallways of schools were jammed with kids. I wish one of those kids had taken a picture with his phone so we could see it today.”
Wilson’s opposition to online learning inspired Trump to demand in-person schooling for all American children, he revealed.
“It’s important for them to be in school so they can be as knowledgeable about history as I am,” he said. “The pandemic of 1918 was one of the main causes of the War of 1812.”
8/10/20 Trump Signs New Executive Order Granting Himself Unemployment Check in January
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on Monday by signing an executive order granting himself a million-dollar unemployment check if he leaves office in January.
Trump said that he will deserve the seven-figure check if the election is “stolen” by what he called “a conspiracy between the U.S. Postal Service and Antifa.”
In a further defense of the huge payment, Trump said, “If I’m out of a job, Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., will be, too.”
The executive order immediately drew howls of protest from congressional Democrats, as well as from the Republican senator Ben Sasse, who called it “a steaming pile of constitutional crap.”
Unmoved, Trump called the Nebraska senator “Poor Li’l Sassy” and argued that the executive order was a “work of genius” that should guarantee him a place on Mt. Rushmore.
“Those beauties like Lincoln and Jefferson never thought of anything this smart,” he said. “They would be lucky if I let my head be carved out of the same rock as theirs.”
8/10/20 Trump Accuses Biden of Dragging out V.P. Search Instead of Picking First Clown Who Says Yes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ridiculed Joe Biden on Monday for dragging out his search for a running mate instead of “picking the first clown who says yes.”
“Sleepy Joe is wasting time with all this vetting,” Trump told reporters. “Just pick someone who’s totally desperate.”
“Find an elected official who doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting reëlected in his home state,” he said. “He’ll be overjoyed that you saved him from the junk heap.”
Additionally, Trump said, one should choose a Vice-Presidential candidate “who’s so hopeless, he couldn’t get a real job if he tried.”
“The more pathetic he is, the better,” the President said.
Trump noted that choosing a candidate who is “terrified he’ll never work again” has major benefits if one ultimately makes it to the White House.
“He’ll spend the next four years sucking up to you like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump said. “It’s a beautiful thing.”
8/8/20 Americans Oppose More Payments to Man Who Is Not Working
[Imagine there is a photo of Mitch McConnell right here.]
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who has not been working during the coronavirus crisis.
According to reports, the man has been receiving a weekly check amounting to over three thousand dollars for doing nothing, all at taxpayers’ expense.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse, called the payments to this non-working individual “nothing short of scandalous.”
“If you do the math, he is receiving checks that add up to $174,000 a year,” Dorrinson said. “Under those circumstances, what is his incentive to work?”
Dorrinson said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “immediately” and sent to someone who is providing essential services during the pandemic, like a health-care worker or first responder.
As for the Kentucky man, Dorrinson said, “It’s time for him to stop living off the government and show some personal responsibility.”
8/6/20 Trump Considering Replacing Pence with Confederate Statue
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.
According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.
Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.
“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.
According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reëlection effort.
“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.
8/5/20 Americans Support Using U.S. Postal Service to Ship Trump to Different Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a major vote of confidence for the embattled agency, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans support using the United States Postal Service to ship Donald Trump to a new address in January.
While it has become a tradition for outgoing Presidents to depart 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue via helicopter, Americans “strongly agree” that using the U.S. Mail to remove Trump would be preferable, the poll finds.
Americans agreed that, after a new President is inaugurated, on January 20th, Trump should be left on the curb outside the White House for pickup by a local mail carrier.
Additionally, there was a strong consensus for sending Trump to his new address via Priority Mail Express to insure that he is dispatched as quickly as possible.
Although Americans were divided as to what Trump’s new address should be, there was substantial support for overnighting him to Cyrus Vance, Jr., the New York County District Attorney.
8/4/20 Americans Insanely Jealous of Spain After Corrupt Head of State Flees Country
MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are insanely jealous of Spain after its disgraced former head of state Juan Carlos announced on Monday that he was fleeing the country.
In interviews across the U.S., Americans expressed dismay and frustration that multiple criminal investigations were “all it took” for the former Spanish ruler to voluntarily leave Spain forever.
“So wait, in Spain, if a leader is being investigated for financial crimes and tax evasion, he just writes a letter saying goodbye and then he leaves?” Carol Foyler, who lives in Topeka, Kansas, said. “Whoa.”
Tracy Klugian, who hails from Butte, Montana, harbored similar feelings of jealousy when he learned of Juan Carlos’s self-exile. “So, basically, the people of Spain will never have to see or hear from this corrupt narcissist again?” he said. “Man.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in St. Louis, said that he was seething with envy when he learned that Juan Carlos might have already fled to the Dominican Republic, some four thousand miles away from Spain.
“Four thousand miles away from Washington is basically the North Pole,” he said. “Why does Spain get all the good things?”
8/3/20 Biden Leading Trump Among Voters Who Favor Being Alive
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.
The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.
In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.
“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”
Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”
“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.
8/2/20 Trump Warns That Mail-In Ballots Could Result in Voting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation a “total disaster,” Donald J. Trump warned on Sunday that the use of mail-in ballots could result in voting.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that there were “all kinds of studies” showing a “direct link” between mail-in ballots and votes cast.
“Wherever you’ve had mail-in ballots, there have been widespread cases of voting,” he said. “We’re not going to let that happen.”
He said that other countries have solved the problem of “too many votes” by banning mail-in ballots altogether.
“You look at North Korea,” Trump said. “They don’t have mail-in ballots. They barely have mail. They’re doing an amazing job.”
Raising another issue with what he called “excessive voting,” Trump warned that “the more votes you have, the higher the number you have to count to.”
“When I took my cognitive test, I had to count to ten, and that was no walk in the park,” he said. “And now you’re telling me there’s somebody out there who can count into the millions? Give me a break.”
7/31/20 Fauci Would Have Thought Twice About Career in Medicine Had He Known It Meant Someday Talking to Jim Jordan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Friday that he would have “thought twice” about pursuing a career in medicine had he known that it would lead to his talking someday to Representative Jim Jordan.
Speaking to reporters after his congressional testimony, Fauci said that, during his appearance in the hearing room, he had been revisiting the series of life choices that had resulted in his being forced to hear Jordan speak.
“I could have done so many other things with my life,” the esteemed virologist said. “I could have been a firefighter. I was actually a pretty good dancer back in the day. I could have given that a shot.”
Reflecting on those roads not taken, Fauci added, “Had I chosen any of those fields, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t have spent today having to listen to Jim Jordan. Those are minutes I’ll never get back.”
Fauci clarified that he was “very grateful” for his career as an epidemiologist but added, “Let’s not kid ourselves. If I were a professional dancer, there’s about a zero-per-cent chance I would ever be in the same room as Jim Jordan. Oh, well—it is what it is.”
7/31/20 Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.
While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”
“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”
Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”
“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”
Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”
“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.”
7/29/20 Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus
OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.
In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.
“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”
The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.
The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.
7/28/20 Barr Denies Testifying Before Congress
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr stirred controversy on Tuesday by categorically denying during his congressional testimony that he was testifying before Congress.
“I am not now nor have I ever testified before the House Judiciary Committee,” Barr told the House Judiciary Committee. “Any suggestion to the contrary is a flat-out lie.”
After the chairman of the committee, Representative Jerrold Nadler, claimed that he could see Barr sitting several feet away from him, Barr came out swinging.
“I am not going to respond to hypothetical questions about where I may or may not be sitting at any given moment,” Barr retorted.
Barr’s steadfast denial that he was testifying before Congress drew the ire of Nadler, who said that Barr’s prevarication was unbecoming of the Attorney General of the United States.
Barr’s response was swift and fierce. “I am not the Attorney General, and any assertion that I am is patently absurd,” he said.
At the end of the hearing, one of Barr’s fellow-Republicans on the committee, Representative Jim Jordan, apologized to Barr for the going-over he had received from Democrats.
“Given how badly you were treated today, I don’t blame you one bit for not being here,” Jordan said.
7/28/20 Trump Accuses Fauci of Using Fifty Years of Experience as Doctor to Win People’s Trust
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a new conspiracy theory, Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people’s trust.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump would not disclose the source of the theory, saying only, “This is something a lot of people are talking about.”
“Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class, in 1966, because he knew that would make him look good someday,” Trump told Sean Hannity. “He’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility, Trump alleged.
“He spent years working on H.I.V., aids, Ebola, you name it,” Trump charged. “Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.”
Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic.
“There is zero difference between me and Tony Fauci, except for fifty years of so-called medical experience,” he said.
7/27/20 Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “passing of the baton,” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate.
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”
“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”
According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.
While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.
“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”
7/25/20 Obama Passes Cognitive Test by Reciting the First Fifty Digits of Pi
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barack Obama recently passed a cognitive test that required him to recite the first fifty digits of Pi, the former President has disclosed.
Obama took the test voluntarily, he said, in order to reassure his employers at Netflix that he was “of sound mind.”
“Netflix has made a big investment in me as a producer, and I thought it was important for them to know that I was all right upstairs,” Obama said.
The former President said that he enjoyed taking the test, including a section that required him to memorize and then recite a hundred verses of the Iliad.
“That was actually a lot of fun,” Obama said. “Greek is such a beautiful language.”
Although he passed the test, Obama said that there were moments when he felt “rusty” and “not as sharp as I was back in the day.”
“I definitely need to do some more mental exercises,” he said. “One hour of three-dimensional chess with Bill Gates every morning isn’t getting it done.”
7/24/20 Trump to Throw Out First Amendment at Yankee Stadium
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an event that he described as “historic,” Donald J. Trump announced that he will throw out the First Amendment at Yankee Stadium next month.
“It’s going to be an amazing and fantastic thing I’ll be doing,” Trump said. “I’ve asked a lot of history experts, and they all say that no President has thrown out an amendment before.”
“Obama was President for eight years and never threw out an amendment,” he said. “What a loser.”
Trump said that he had considered throwing out the First Amendment “many, many times before” but had ultimately decided to preserve freedom of the press for his friends at Fox News.
“But, thanks to that beauty Chris Wallace, now I know that Fox is just as nasty and fake as the rest,” he said. “The only real journalist left is that nice lady at OAN.”
When asked how he is preparing for his Yankee Stadium appearance, Trump said that he is consulting with other world leaders who are experienced in throwing out laws.
“I had a terrific conversation with Vladimir Putin,” Trump said. “They don’t have a First Amendment in Russia, but he said that, if they did, he would definitely throw it out. So that made me feel good.”
Trump grew misty-eyed as he contemplated his upcoming visit to Yankee Stadium.
“I can’t believe I’ll be throwing out the First Amendment,” he said. “Every little boy dreams of this.”
7/23/20 Confused Federal Agents Unable to Determine Which Unmarked Van In D.H.S. Garage Is Theirs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump’s plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag, as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs.
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S. garage in Washington, fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van.
“It’s like a baggage-claim nightmare,” the agent complained. “Many unmarked vans look alike.”
Although sending unmarked vans to cities “seemed like a really cool idea at first,” the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to “maybe think about going with marked vans instead,” the frustrated agent said.
Speaking to reporters, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that agents’ inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been “exaggerated,” and added that he was working with the D.H.S. laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents’ unmarked uniforms.
7/22/20 In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.
In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.
7/21/20 Feds in Unmarked Van Looking for Suspicious Characters Pick Up Jared Kushner
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “an unfortunate incident,” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street.
According to the agents, the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “shifty-eyed male” who “didn’t look right.”
“He checked all the boxes for suspicious,” one of the agents said. “He definitely didn’t look like someone who should be anywhere near the White House.”
Despite the protests of a screaming Kushner, the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location.
According to White House sources, Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone.
His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon, when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “more smoothly than usual.”
Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that the practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “terrific idea,” but acknowledged that it might need to be “tweaked.”
“Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character, or Stephen Miller could be next,” he said.
7/20/20 Trump Says He Will Eventually Be Right About the Coronavirus Going Away When There Is No Human Life Left on Planet
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth.
Speaking to Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday,” Trump said that, once there are no living humans left for it to infect, “like I have said before, the virus will just disappear, like a miracle.”
“The virus isn’t stupid,” Trump said. “It wants to infect people. And when there are no people left to infect, it’s not going to hang around doing nothing. It’s going to go away. And then I’ll be right.”
Trump added that, when the planet Earth no longer has any trace of human life, “I’ll have the last laugh.”
“In a way, it’s too bad that those beauties in the fake news media like Jim Acosta will be extinct at that point, because I wish they could be alive to see how I was eventually right,” he added. “But I guess you can’t have everything.”
Trump offered no timeline for the disappearance of all human life from the planet, saying only, “We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on that.”
7/18/20 Trump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest shakeup in his inner circle, Donald Trump has named the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, to the position of niece, replacing Mary Trump, effective immediately.
With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
But, according to a White House source, the decision to replace Mary Trump with McEnany was a “no-brainer.”
“The President wanted a niece who could rewrite history, and Kayleigh has proven every day that she can do that,” the source said.
McEnany will continue in her role as press secretary in addition to niece, and will refer to Trump as “Uncle President.”
As for Mary Trump, she will remain a member of the Trump family, but has been demoted from niece to third cousin.
7/17/20 Trump Sues the Coronavirus for Treating Him Unfairly
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alleging that it “has treated me very unfairly,” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus.
“This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.”
Offering a preview of his lawsuit, Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the 2020 election.
“You look at the numbers and, every time the virus’s numbers go up, my numbers go down,” he said. “This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.”
Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court, claiming, “My case is so perfect, even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.”
Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer allows discussions of the coronavirus at meetings of the Coronavirus Task Force.
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Trump felt “deeply betrayed” by the coronavirus.
“covid-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump,” she said.
7/16/20 Georgia Governor Orders Statewide Ban on Science
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science.
“Over the past few weeks, scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire,” Kemp said. “We need to flatten the truth curve.”
Under the executive order, Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information.
Additionally, Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning a trip to a library or bookstore.
The governor said that Georgians could once again visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Web site “as soon as the rest of its data has been safely removed.”
Kemp’s zero-tolerance policy on science drew strong praise from his Republican colleague Donald J. Trump.
“Congratulations to Brian Kemp for having the guts to get tough on science, unlike those beauties Andrew Cuomo, Jay Inslee, and that woman from Michigan,” he tweeted.
Trump’s support has reportedly emboldened Kemp, who is said to be considering a statewide ban on integers.
7/15/20 Trump Claims Biden Could Never Have a Pandemic As Big As His
WASHINGTON, D.C.(The Borowitz Report)—Trying out a new line of attack against the former Vice-President, Donald Trump said on Wednesday that Joe Biden could never have a pandemic as big as his.
“Biden was Vice-President for eight years and had all the time in the world to have a pandemic,” Trump said. “Where was his pandemic?”
By contrast, Trump asserted, “In just a few months, I’ve built the biggest pandemic this country has seen in a hundred years.”
“People are going to be talking about my pandemic for generations to come,” Trump said. “What did Biden ever have? Swine flu? What a joke.”
Trump said that Biden’s failure to have “any pandemic worth writing home about” makes him a “terrible choice” to be President.
“I’ve worked hard and built an amazing pandemic, but if Biden gets in, all that goes away,” he warned.
7/14/20 Florida Governor Orders All Children to Work at Walmart and Home Depot This Fall
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his decision a “game changer,” Florida’s governor announced on Tuesday that he was ordering all of the state’s children to work at Walmart and Home Depot in the fall.
“If we can do Walmart and we can do Home Depot, we can definitely do your children working at Walmart and Home Depot,” Governor Ron DeSantis declared.
Explaining the rationale behind his order, DeSantis said that sending children to work at the two big-box stores would have the “exact same result” as sending them to school—namely “getting them out of the house.”
“To the parents of Florida, let me say, ‘You’re welcome,’ ” he said.
Touting other benefits of his plan, DeSantis claimed, “I think this is going to be a great educational experience for our kids.”
“I think it should be a goal of this state to teach every first grader how to do inventory,” he said. “Inventory is just a fancy word for math.”
Additionally, he said that hauling large planks of lumber at Home Depot would be “an excellent substitute for phys. ed.”
“I wish I had thought of this sooner,” DeSantis said. “These kids are going to be so good with hammers, nails, and wood that they could have built the stage at the Republican National Convention.”
The governor was dismissive of a reporter who asked whether forcing children to work at Walmart and Home Depot would be a violation of child-labor laws. “As our great President has shown time and time again, this is not a time for laws,” DeSantis said.
7/13/20 Trump Replaces Fauci with Chuck Woolery
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning repudiation of the nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, Donald J. Trump has replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci with the veteran game-show host Chuck Woolery.
Appearing at the White House with his newest Coronavirus Task Force member, Trump said that he chose Woolery because he has “a much better record of success than Tony.”
“Tony Fauci is a nice guy, but he’s been wrong a lot,” Trump said. “Chuck has made thousands of love connections that turned out a hundred-per-cent right.”
Woolery said that his first official act as part of the Coronavirus Task Force would be to eliminate social distancing, calling the practice “ridiculous.”
“How are you supposed to go on a date and stay six feet apart?” Woolery asked. “If we had social distancing on ‘Love Connection,’ we wouldn’t have lasted a single episode.”
He also previewed his approach to clinical trials for potential coronavirus vaccines. “We’ll inject each contestant with three vaccines and see which one he’s most compatible with,” he said. “The audience is gonna eat that up.”
Woolery concluded his appearance without taking any questions from reporters, saying, “We’ll be back in two and two.”
7/13/20 Betsy DeVos Promises to Protect Children from Education
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Betsy DeVos vowed on Sunday to do everything in her power as Secretary of Education to protect the nation’s children from education.
In an interview on CNN, DeVos said many parents were “understandably concerned” that, if their children return to school in the fall, they might be exposed to learning.
“That will not happen on my watch,” she promised. “We are working around the clock at the Department of Education to keep your children safe from comprehension.”
DeVos said that her staff had drafted strict distancing measures to ensure that America’s students are as distanced as possible from anything resembling a curriculum when they return to school.
“If it means eliminating books, computers, or even teachers, your kids will be distanced,” she said.
Raising a worst-case scenario, DeVos said that, if knowledge is somehow transmitted to students, “I will shut down that school in a minute.”
“We will be doing a lot of testing,” DeVos said. “If students’ test scores somehow go up, then I have failed.”
7/10/20 Trump Warns That Social Distancing in Schools Would Make It Harder for Students to Cheat Off One Another’s Papers
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Laying out his plans for reopening the nation’s schools in the fall, Donald J. Trump expressed concern that social distancing would make it “really hard” for students to cheat off one another’s papers.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recommendations for social distancing in schools “would only work for students who can see their neighbor’s papers from six feet away.”
“Unless your eyesight is really good, if you’re six feet away or whatever you’re not going to be able to copy the other person’s answers,” Trump said. “Especially if the person writes really small, which they sometimes do.”
Trump recommended that teachers test their students’ eyesight on the first day of school to determine how far away they can sit from one another while still having a clear view of their neighbors’ papers.
“I don’t know why those beauties at the C.D.C. didn’t think of this,” he said.
Responding to a reporter’s question, Trump said that he could not recall any time that other students tried to cheat off his papers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.
Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school, but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner, Rand Paul, and Betsy DeVos.
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back to school could be complicated and expensive, the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater, the poll indicates.
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom.
Science and math received the strongest support, but a substantial number of respondents also favored history, geography, and English.
Finally, if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall, a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send someone else in his place.
7/8/20 Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.
According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.
Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.
Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.
“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.
7/7/20 Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with the impending publication of Mary Trump’s book, “it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Russian President said that, when young Donald Trump was applying to college, in the nineteen-sixties, Putin was making “a few extra rubles” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students.
“I recall the day that I took Trump’s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday,” Putin said. “I totally aced them.”
As the years rolled by, Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took.
“I often asked myself, ‘How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the path to Wharton?’ ” Putin said, with a devilish smile. “As it turned out, I found a way.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump’s memoir. “No one named Trump has ever actually written a book,” McEnany said.
7/7/20 Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.
Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.
Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.
At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.
Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.
Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.
“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”
Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.
7/6/20 Pence Walks Out of “Hamilton” Again in Own Living Room
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence’s turbulent relationship with “Hamilton” continued over the weekend, as he walked out of the Broadway show in his own living room.
Pence, who walked out after the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016, when the cast tried to address him, told reporters that he tuned in to the streaming version of “Hamilton” on July 4th specifically to walk out of it once more.
“I wanted to send the cast of ‘Hamilton’ a strong message,” Pence said. “The minute it began, I turned to my wife and said, ‘Mother, I’m out.’ ”
VIDEO FROM THE NEW YORKER
A “Hamilton” Stagehand on Telling Stories with Lights
He immediately followed through on his threat, leaving Mrs. Pence alone in their living room for the next two and a half hours as she watched “Hamilton” in its entirety.
Pence dismissed reporters’ questions about the limited impact of his gesture, since the cast of “Hamilton” was unable to see him get up from his couch and leave in a huff.
“President Trump told me to walk out of my living room, and I am grateful for the opportunity to obey him,” Pence said, adding that he intends to walk out of “Hamilton” again tonight.
7/2/20 Putin Considering Not Running Trump for Reëlection
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with “deeply discouraging” 2020 polls, Vladimir Putin is “seriously considering” not running Donald J. Trump for reëlection, according to Kremlin sources.
The Russian President had been holding out hope that Trump could somehow stop his precipitous slide in popularity, but a recent roundup of polls showing Joe Biden crushing him in several battleground states made Putin realize that “his guy is a lost cause,” one source said.
“Putin has been talking about not running Trump for reëlection for months now, but it looks like he’s finally ready to pull the rip cord,” the source added.
According to Kremlin insiders, Putin is actively mulling a number of possible Republican replacements for Trump, including Representative Devin Nunes, Senator Mitch McConnell, and Senator Rand Paul, but he does not relish the idea of making the switch.
“You have to understand, Putin has spent years training Trump to be so obedient,” the source said. “It’s going to be hard breaking in a new one.”
7/1/20 Trump May Not Have Read Brief Because He Holds Reading Material Upside Down
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down, experts suggested on Wednesday.
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position, Davis Logsdon, who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota, said that such a practice could have impeded the President’s ability to process information on his desk.
“If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down, what is intended to be important intelligence requiring his urgent attention might, to him, appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper,” Logsdon said.
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon’s comments, the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump’s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk.
Reportedly, Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump’s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position for reading.
Some White House sources, however, expressed skepticism about the new protocol. “It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down,” one source said.
6/30/20 Trump Did Not Read Taliban Brief Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.
Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.
“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”
“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘urgent’ and ‘must read’ stamped in big red letters on them.”
After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.
6/29/20 Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.
“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”
According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.
“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.
“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.
6/26/20 Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.
Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”
Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”
“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”
6/25/20 Giuliani No Longer Worst Lawyer in Country
<Photo of William Barr in actual report at the NewYorker>
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected turn of events for the former New York mayor, a poll of legal experts has determined that Rudolph Giuliani is no longer the worst lawyer in America.
According to the law professor who supervised the poll, Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota Law School, Giuliani’s dethronement from the worst-lawyer championship was all the more shocking because his claim to that title had remained unchallenged for so long.
“Giuliani had faced worthy competition from the likes of Michael D. Cohen and Michael Avenatti and dispatched them with ease,” Logsdon said. “But this new challenger left Rudy in the dust.”
The new titleholder as the nation’s worst lawyer, who won in a nearly unanimous vote, is so egregious that he may cause some legal experts to reassess Giuliani’s career as an attorney. “Compared to our country’s new worst lawyer, Rudy demonstrated the utmost respect for the Constitution and the rule of law,” Logsdon argued.
Reached in the makeup room at Fox News, where he was about to make an on-air appearance, Giuliani took the news of his ouster philosophically. “I had a good run,” he said.
6/23/20 Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.
According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.
“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.
“Testing?” Kushner asked.
“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”
6/23/20 Trump Offers Stimulus Checks to Anyone Willing to Come to His Next Rally
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.
“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”
“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”
6/22/20 Trump Calls Drinking Glass of Water Proudest Achievement as President
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President.
“I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “You can look at the tape. There was not a single drop of spillage.”
Trump added that, while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself, executing it so well in front of such a large crowd made it even more extraordinary.
“There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right,” he said. “There must have been forty thousand people there.”
Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments, such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water.
“I guarantee you, all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and protests,” he said. “You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.”
In his most stunning claim, Trump argued that he might be “better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.”
“You won’t find any tape of Obama drinking water, probably, because he was afraid of spilling,” Trump said. “Honest Abe, I will bet you anything, got water on his beard, which is disgusting. Look at the tape of me again and decide for yourself. I drank a perfect glass of water. Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being.”
6/21/20 Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker
TULSA (The Borowitz Report)—Stung by the paltry turnout at his Saturday-night rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Donald J. Trump’s campaign has announced plans to hold his next rally in the bunker beneath the White House.
In announcing the rally, Brad Parscale, the chairman of Trump’s reëlection campaign, denied that the choice of venue reflected a tepid level of enthusiasm to see the candidate speak.
“The bunker holds forty people,” Parscale said. “That is a much larger seating capacity than Joe Biden’s basement.”
Despite the choice of such an intimate venue, however, Trump campaign sources are privately worried that they may have difficulty filling the bunker.
According to one source, Jared Kushner spent all of Sunday morning on the phone begging people to attend the bunker rally.
“All of Jared’s friends said they’re coming, so that’s five seats right there,” the source said.
6/18/20 Susan Collins Puts Bolton Book in Amazon Cart but Remains Undecided About Placing Order
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins has put John Bolton’s new book in her Amazon cart but is undecided about placing an order for it, Collins confirmed on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters at the Senate, Collins called the decision to pull the trigger on the Bolton book “one of the most wrenching of my career.”
“My computer’s cursor has hovered over the ‘Place your order’ button for hours without clicking on it,” she said. “This is not a decision I take lightly.”
The Republican senator from Maine indicated that, even if she ultimately decides to buy Bolton’s book, she is leaving open the possibility of returning the book to Amazon.
“All options are on the table,” she said.
In her most revealing statement, Collins admitted that she has more than three hundred other items in her Amazon cart that she has yet to commit to buying.
Those items include sunglasses, a hand mixer, several pairs of capri pants, and a beekeeping kit.
Collins said that, although she is interested in pursuing beekeeping as a hobby, she is troubled and concerned about the behavior of bees.
6/17/20 White House Staff Seething with Envy After Fauci Reveals He Has Not Spoken to Trump in Two Weeks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has not spoken to Donald J. Trump in two weeks, envious staffers have confirmed.
News of the break in communication between the two men sent shockwaves through the White House, with scores of staffers demanding to know whether Fauci had a secret trick that they could employ to similar effect.
“Two freaking weeks?” Jared Kushner was overheard muttering. “I’d settle for one hour.”
Fauci said that there was no secret to getting Trump to stop talking to him, but suggested, “Generally speaking, if you pepper your sentences with facts, that’s usually enough to do it.”
Recognizing that members of the White House staff may be unaccustomed to uttering factual statements, Fauci said, “Another thing you can try is saying to him, ‘Mr. President, I’m really looking forward to reading John Bolton’s book.’ That should get you two weeks, minimum.”
6/16/20 Trump Proposes Overruling Supreme Court by Creating Supremer Court
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after it issued decisions on L.G.B.T.Q. rights and the Second Amendment that provoked his ire, Donald J. Trump said that he would overrule the Supreme Court by creating a “Supremer Court.”
“Right now, if the Supreme Court makes a bad decision, quite frankly, you’re screwed,” he said. “The Supremer Court fixes that.”
Trump said that his Supremer Court would be a “beautiful, perfect court” that would make the Supreme Court “look like exactly what it is—a sad bunch of losers.”
Trump said that the Supremer Court would be housed in a “giant, gleaming building” overlooking the Supreme Court, enabling the Supremer Court Justices to “look down at those pathetic little Supreme Court jerks and laugh.”
As for choosing Justices for the Supremer Court, Trump said that there were no Supreme Court Justices worth promoting, “except maybe Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas.”
“Judge Roberts is the beauty who gave us Obamacare, and Gorsuch is a total snake,” Trump said. “At least with Kavanaugh and Thomas you’ve got two terrific people.”
6/15/20 Mitch McConnell Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Fire Neil Gorsuch
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an Oval Office meeting described as “tense,” the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, explained to Donald J. Trump why he cannot fire Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.
According to sources, McConnell rushed to the White House after being informed of Trump’s plan to terminate Gorsuch and replace him with the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro.
In the Oval Office, Trump adamantly told McConnell, “When I hire someone, I have the right to fire him if he turns out to be a jerk.”
McConnell slowly and carefully explained that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life, but Trump refused to accept this position.
“I can fire this Neil Gorsuch joker just like I fired Jeff Sessions and Gary Busey,” Trump said, adding that he planned to add a ramp outside the Supreme Court to speed Gorsuch’s departure.
6/15/20 Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation’s Ramps
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that “there’s something going on” with the nation’s sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States’s vast collection of ramps.
“It’s something we’re looking into quite strongly,” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. “Ramps have treated me very unfairly.”
The decision to probe the nation’s ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama’s Presidency.
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.
“Those would be perfect ramps,” he said.
Responding to this proposal, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation’s ramps no longer ramps at all.
“You’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
6/13/20 Trump Boasts That He Has Much Higher TV Ratings Than Lincoln
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been O.K. at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.”
6/11/20 Trump Blasts Milley: “This Is Not the Military I Avoided Serving In”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of angry tweets on Thursday, Donald J. Trump lashed out at the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, declaring, “This is not the military I avoided serving in.”
Calling Milley’s apology for appearing in last week’s controversial church photo op “a disgrace,” Trump said, “The United States military of my youth was known for courage and valor, which is why I got a podiatrist’s note to get out of being a part of it.”
Recalling that episode from a half century ago, Trump said, “As I watched my podiatrist dictate that note, I thought about the great institution of the U.S. military, which I would be exempted from participating in. That institution is unrecognizable today.”
With his apology, Trump claimed, “Mark Milley has besmirched the memories of all the Americans who fought so hard to avoid fighting.”
In his most caustic broadside against Milley, Trump questioned the general’s ability to lead U.S. forces and said that he might have to find “someone else” to launch the American invasion of Seattle.
6/9/20 Trump Puts Nation on Alert for Terrorists Posing as Peaceful Seventy-Five-Year-Olds
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Announcing that he was putting the nation on a “double-red threat level,” Donald J. Trump warned the American people on Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists posing as peaceful seventy-five-year-olds.
“One of these terrorists was already identified by the police in Buffalo,” Trump said. “They may be coming to your town next.”
Trump listed some “telltale signs of Antifa,” in order to help Americans identify septuagenarian terrorists in their midst.
“If the person appears to be seventy-five or older, with white hair and a peaceful demeanor, call the authorities immediately,” Trump said.
He warned that Antifa terrorists are infiltrating American society “everywhere,” even on Zoom.
“If you are on Zoom with your family and an elderly person suddenly appears with a friendly smile, a string of pearls, and the nickname ‘Grandma,’ you have been attacked by Antifa,” he said.
6/8/20 Furious Trump Declares Romney Not Welcome in Bunker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march, Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “not welcome in my bunker.”
“Mitt Romney thinks he’s cute, first voting to impeach me and now marching,” Trump told reporters. “Well, I’ve got news for Mitt: his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.”
Trump said that, because of his disloyalty, Romney “will never experience all that the best bunker in the world has to offer.”
“There are luxury recliners, televisions as far as the eye can see, and a bottomless pit of snacks,” Trump boasted. “If Mitt could see what he’s missing, I’ll bet he’d rethink some of the cute things he’s done.”
Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials, such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper, to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges.
“I’m not sure Esper is bunker material,” he mused.
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator, should he try to gain admission.
“Sorry, Mitt,” Trump sneered. “People like you don’t belong in a bunker. I do.”
6/7/20 Putin Rejects Trump’s Request for Ten Thousand Russian Troops to Guard White House
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald J. Trump’s request for ten thousand active-duty Russian Army troops to guard the perimeter around the White House, Administration and Kremlin sources have confirmed.
After Trump’s call for U.S. troops was rebuffed by Defense Secretary Mark Esper and General Mark Milley, Trump reportedly snapped, “I’ll call Vlad,” and stormed out of the meeting with the two men.
Much to Trump’s disappointment, however, his request for Russian troops met with a chilly response.
“The optics would be terrible,” Putin reportedly told him. “Worse than that crazy thing you did with the Bible. Really, you need to get a grip.”
According to White House sources, Trump has subsequently phoned the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, but his calls have gone straight to voice mail.
6/5/20 Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.
“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”
Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.
“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”
Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.
“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”
6/4/20 Trump’s Bleach Moment Now Seeming Like Career High Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point, according to prominent historians.
While Trump’s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirus appeared, at the time, to be a catastrophic misstep, his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment, Davis Logsdon, a Presidential historian, said.
“This week, we’ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters, offend religious leaders by using a Bible as a prop, and threaten to use the military against the American people,” Logsdon said. “In retrospect, suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.”
Logsdon added that, with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression, “Trump’s best bet may be to remind the American people, ‘I’m the man who told you to drink bleach.’ ”
“All things considered, that may be his finest hour,” the historian said.
6/3/20 Trump Says Inspection Revealed Bunker Was Dusty Because Obama Never Used It
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.
“There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”
“Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”
Trump said that he opened the bunker’s fridge and found it “stocked to the brim with soft drinks, totally untouched.”
“What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working?” Trump asked. “A bad or sick guy.”
Trump noted that, in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “amazing bunker,” Obama never once used the Insurrection Act of 1807 in his entire time in office.
“I don’t even know why Obama wanted to be President,” Trump said. “Obama is a mess.”
6/1/20 Study: Many of Nation’s Problems Could Be Solved by Having a President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.
The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership.
“At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.”
In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law.
“Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.”
While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure.
“We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a shit show.”
5/30/20 Angela Merkel Practices Social Distancing by Staying Four Thousand Miles Away from Trump
BERLIN (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to practice social distancing, the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, is staying four thousand miles away from Donald Trump, Merkel has confirmed.
Merkel’s decision to decline Trump’s invitation to a possible meeting of the G-7 in Washington was based “entirely on science,” Merkel told reporters.
“Epidemiologists have recommended that, in order to be safe, one should social-distance by six feet,” she said. “It only stands to reason that I will be even safer if I social-distance by twenty-one million feet.”
Merkel said that she was taking the extremely cautious social-distancing measures regarding Trump because of “the danger posed by being in proximity to someone who speaks so loudly and incessantly.”
“His mouth is like a firehose of droplets,” she said, shuddering.
Asked whether she would reconsider a White House visit if Trump agreed to wear a mask, she said, “Donald Trump with a mask is clearly a big improvement over Donald Trump without a mask, but no.”
The German leader added that she could envision making a trip to the Oval Office if “events on the ground change,” most likely in January of 2021.
5/29/20 Nation Astonished by Spectacle of Twitter Management Demonstrating Responsibility
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to a bizarre development that no one saw coming, Americans this week have been dumbfounded by the unfathomable spectacle of Twitter’s senior management demonstrating responsibility.
In interviews across the country, people from all walks of life expressed shock and disbelief that Twitter executives appeared to recognize that their social-media platform was a potentially destructive entity that required a modicum of oversight from those supposedly running it.
“At first, when I saw that they were fact-checking tweets, I thought it was some kind of fluke,” Carol Foyler, a Twitter user from Topeka, said. “But then when they started hiding tweets for glorifying violence, I was, like, O.K., this is getting weird.”
“It almost seems like Twitter has been taken over by someone like Bill Gates or George Soros,” Harland Dorrinson, a user from Phoenix, said. “I would tweet something about that, but I’m afraid they might fact-check it.”
Tracy Klugian, a securities analyst who has been on Twitter since its inception, expressed concern that, by exhibiting even modest signs of adult responsibility, the company is “heading down a slippery slope.”
“Today it’s falsehoods and incitements to violence, but what will it be tomorrow?” he said. “Will Twitter start policing racists, misogynists, and Nazis? Their entire business model is at risk.”
5/28/20 Twitter’s Servers Burst Into Flames After Attempting to Fact-Check All of Trump’s Tweets
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Servers belonging to the social-media platform Twitter burst into flames on Thursday, after the company attempted to fact-check all of Donald Trump’s tweets.
“We knew that fact-checking Trump’s tweets was going to put a strain on our system,” Jack Dorsey, the C.E.O. of Twitter, said. “We had no idea that it would result in columns of fire shooting forty feet into the air.”
Reportedly, an explosion in the server fact-checking Trump’s tweets about Joe Scarborough ignited a blaze that quickly spread to a server furiously vetting his tweets about Barack Obama.
Fire trucks rushed to Twitter headquarters to extinguish the inferno, which San Francisco officials called the largest fact-checking-related fire incident in the city’s history.
While no one was injured in the conflagration, Dorsey quietly shelved plans to fact-check all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s tweets.
Borowitz 5/27/20 Trump Demands That Republican Convention Move from North Carolina to Moscow
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, Donald Trump is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow.
“North Carolina has been difficult every step of the way, and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to me,” Trump wrote, in one of a series of early-morning tweets.
Additionally, Trump argued, moving the R.N.C. to Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare. “The most important people working on our 2020 campaign will already be there,” he tweeted.
Finally, he claimed, Moscow boasts far better accommodations than “that sad city of losers, Charlotte.”
“I have fantastic memories of the Moscow Ritz,” Trump wrote.
5/24/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Remain on Golf Course Until Pandemic Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump’s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club, Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over.
“The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters,” Fauci told Trump on Sunday. “It’s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing, Mr. President.”
Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor’s words of encouragement, especially because the golf trip had limited the President’s ability to communicate with Fauci, the Centers for Disease Control, and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response.
“It’s been tough without you, but we are doing the best we can,” Fauci said. “After all the hard work you’ve done, you deserve months and months and months of golfing.”
Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone, stop talking to the press, and not tell anyone about the great idea he had on the golf course about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus.
5/20/20 Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House Would Spy on Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is terrified of hanging an official portrait of former President Barack Obama at the White House because he is convinced that the painting would spy on him, a White House source has confirmed.
According to the source, when Trump was informed that unveiling a portrait of his predecessor was a storied White House tradition, “he totally freaked out.”
“You know what will happen,” Trump reportedly said. “That painting will be able to see and hear everything I do.”
In an increasingly paranoid rant, Trump explained that the painting of Obama, having collected damaging information about him, would then be able to pass that information on to former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Suddenly afraid that the White House corridors were lined with potentially traitorous paintings, Trump demanded that the portraits of all former Presidents who might betray him be removed immediately.
“The only one who made the cut was Nixon,” the source said.
5/18/20 New Test Indicates Hydroxychloroquine Causes Delusions
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new test of the drug hydroxychloroquine suggests that it may cause delusions, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned on Monday.
In a conference call with reporters, Fauci indicated that his findings were based on a preliminary test involving one white male subject in his seventies.
“It’s too early to be definitive about this, but the evidence suggests that, if you are already prone to delusions, paranoid fantasies, and a generalized detachment from reality, taking hydroxychloroquine may only make those symptoms worse,” he said.
Fauci said that, if someone you know is taking hydroxychloroquine, “Broach the subject with him very carefully and diplomatically. Based on my findings, this person will not like being contradicted and is likely to fly off the handle.”
Additionally, because of the mind-altering effects of the drug, “It’s important never to do what someone taking hydroxychloroquine tells you to do,” Fauci said.
“The only thing as dangerous as taking hydroxychloroquine is listening to someone who is taking hydroxychloroquine,” he said. “Therein lies the road to madness.”
5/18/20 Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands, Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo’s laundry, effective immediately.
In addition to his new laundry duties, Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo’s dog and for what the White House described as “light housework.”
Reportedly, Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks with Pompeo about how he likes his shirts done.
Although assigning Pompeo’s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem, it may have created a new one, because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years, such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office’s supply of Sharpies.
According to a White House source, those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, should he prove capable of doing them “without messing up.”
While Pence’s appointment as Pompeo’s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington, it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing,” Fauci said.
5/16/20 Trump Says Nation Will Have Vaccine Before It Sees His Taxes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a solemn promise to the American people, Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns.
“People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine,” Trump said. “I say, not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.”
Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year, the chance of their having a glimpse of his tax returns by then sits at zero. “Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine,” he beamed.
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes, Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay, to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt.
“Eventually, my taxes will just go away,” he predicted.
At the National Institutes of Health, Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump’s forecast that a vaccine would be released before his taxes. “This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he’s said,” Fauci commented.
5/14/20 Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.
“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”
If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”
He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”
Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.
5/13/20 Rand Paul Says Secret to Social Distancing Is Making Everyone Despise You
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharing helpful health tips with the American people, Senator Rand Paul said on Wednesday that the secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you.
“People get all worried about whether other people are staying six feet away from them,” Paul said. “The trick is, if you act like a total jerkwad, people will stay much farther away from you than that.”
Paul also questioned whether wearing a mask protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does.
“Airborne droplets can spread by people talking to each other,” Paul said. “If no one ever wants to talk to you, problem solved.”
He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as soon as possible, a process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate. “If you reopen your restaurant and it gets too crowded, I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out,” he said.
5/11/20 Obama Unworried About Trump Accusing Him of Crime Because Bill Barr Does Not Prosecute Criminals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “the greatest crime in American history” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.
“At first, when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever, I have to admit I was a little rattled,” Obama said. “But then I remembered Barr’s don’t-prosecute-crimes policy, and I was pretty chill about it.”
Obama said that he was unsure what crime Trump was accusing him of committing, “but I’m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I. or anything as serious as that—so I’m good.”
The former President said that, if it turns out that he did commit a crime, “I’ll immediately admit that I did it, because, if history is any guide, the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.”
Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions, whatever they were, Obama said, “This is an awesome time to be a criminal.”
5/11/20 Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.
Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.
“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”
Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed.
“As much as I hated making this decision, if it leads to me not making more decisions, it was a decision worth making,” she said on a Zoom call with reporters, before muting herself.
5/8/20 Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
5/7/20 Unskilled American Somehow Still Employed
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Despite an increasingly grim employment picture, an unskilled American man remains gainfully employed, labor experts confirmed.
With millions applying for unemployment benefits each week, experts expressed bafflement and outright astonishment that a man with no identifiable skills, talents, or competence appears to be secure in his job.
“This unskilled individual’s continued employment defies any kind of economic logic,” Davis Logsdon, who studies employment trends at the University of Minnesota, said. “Of the 33.5 million Americans who have applied for unemployment benefits over the past seven weeks, approximately 33.5 million are more qualified than he is.”
Even more perplexing, experts said, is the unskilled man’s persistent employment after failing at a series of other jobs during the past three years.
“The only explanation that makes sense, and I’ll admit it’s far-fetched, is that whoever hired him is equally unskilled,” Logsdon said.
Despite the man’s puzzlingly long record of employment, Logsdon said that ferocious economic headwinds could bring it to an abrupt halt, as early as November.
5/6/20 Coronavirus Task Force Officially Split as Fauci Announces Solo Album
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The rumored breakup of the White House coronavirus task force became official on Wednesday, after Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans for a solo album.
While fans of the task force had been hoping that the group would somehow stay together, palpable creative differences among the members made Fauci’s decision to go solo “only a matter of time,” one source said.
“By the end, it was clear that Tony couldn’t stand being on the same stage as Trump,” the source said. “It was getting very, very uncomfortable.”
The source scoffed at rumors that Trump might attempt a solo album of his own. “Tony Fauci was the coronavirus task force,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that his upcoming solo release would be full of material that he was prevented from using as a member of the task force.
“I have a lot inside me that I wasn’t allowed to express,” Fauci said. “The creative freedom of doing this album has been amazing.”
The first video from the album, “Don’t Reopen (Yet),” featuring Bill Gates, will drop next week, Fauci said.
Once his solo album is finished, the esteemed virologist said that he planned to tour extensively to promote it. “I’ve always wanted to play the House of Representatives,” he said.
5/5/20 Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump
WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.
In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.
“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”
The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”
Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”
“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”
5/4/20 New Claim That Enemies of U.S. Developed Trump in Lab
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation, a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday.
The theorist, Harland Dorrinson, said that he has “conclusive evidence” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ultimate weapon” to bring the United States to its knees.
“Having combed through binders of secret documents, I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have been calling Donald Trump was grown in a recombinant-DNA lab,” Dorrinson said.
“It’s the only possible explanation,” he added.
While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence, “seemingly designed for our amusement,” in recent days he has become “fully weaponized,” the conspiracy theorist asserted.
“In the past two weeks, he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders, to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies, and to ingest bleach,” he said. “In a secret lab somewhere, enemy scientists are popping champagne.”
5/2/20 Blocked From Testifying, Fauci Plans Zoom Call with Entire Country
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress, Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country.
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House’s response to the pandemic. “It’ll be just like one of the task-force briefings, only I’ll actually be allowed to talk,” he said.
Fauci acknowledged that there could be logistical challenges to getting every person in the country on the same Zoom call.
“Our faces will probably look pretty small, and they may freeze if there’s not enough bandwidth,” he said. “You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.”
He said that it was “unlikely” that Donald Trump would be joining the call. “We’re mainly going to be talking about science, so I don’t think it’s his thing,” Fauci said.
5/1/20 Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive
LANSING (The Borowitz Report)—Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, is “arrogantly forcing the residents of her state to remain alive,” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday.
Hinting that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer, Barr alleged that her “unhinged obsession with keeping her state’s residents breathing” represented “government overreach at its worst.”
Barr also suggested that Whitmer’s “blatant anti-coronavirus bias” would likely come back to haunt her at the ballot box.
“Gretchen Whitmer never asked Michiganders for their consent to remain alive, and they won’t forget that any time soon,” Barr said.
4/29/20 Pence Starts Wearing Mask After Fauci Says It Will Protect Him from Women
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that it will protect him from women, Fauci has confirmed.
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the Mayo Clinic, on Tuesday, Fauci said, “I knew I had to come up with something fast” to get through to Pence.
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that “clinical research” had demonstrated that a mask is “an effective female-repellent.”
“I told him that wearing a mask would protect him from 99.99 per cent of all women,” Fauci said. “He seemed very impressed.”
In an official statement, the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that he would start wearing a mask at all times, including at home.
4/28/20 CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.
4/27/20 Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”
In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”
“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”
Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.
“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”
Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”
4/25/20 Experts Believe the Coronavirus Could Be Defeated with the Twenty-fifth Amendment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for, experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
The experts, from the fields of science, public health, government, and law, were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus.
“Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines, but it will be some time before those solutions are viable,” Davis Logsdon, a doctor and professor at the University of Minnesota, said. “The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.”
Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown, Logsdon said, “We’ve learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive, like incompetence, laziness, and ignorance. The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions. It’s like constitutional Lysol.”
Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns, since it has never been used before on a human, but added, “I can think of no better human to use it on.”
4/24/20 Trump Advises States Facing Bankruptcy to Borrow Millions from Their Dads
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Days after the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, advised cash-strapped states to declare bankruptcy, Donald J. Trump added that they could avoid such a filing by borrowing millions from their dads.
“These states need to get on the phone with their dads and explain the mess they’ve gotten themselves into,” Trump said. “Their dads might give them a royal chewing out, but the old men will come through with the cash.”
Detailing his plan to return the states to solvency, Trump said, “Their dads can bring the money into the states in a briefcase, or a bag of casino chips. Whatever’s easiest.”
If, however, their dads “won’t cough up the dough,” Trump told the states that bankruptcy is “no big deal.”
“You can file for bankruptcy four, five, six times,” he said. “It works out very strongly and powerfully, and everything will be nice.”
Trump expressed his surprise that it had never occurred to the states to ask their dads for money. “Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything around here,” he complained.
4/24/19 America’s Four-Year-Olds Warn Against Following Trump’s Medical Advice
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented move, the nation’s four-year-olds have issued an official communiqué warning against following Donald J. Trump’s medical advice.
Asserting that their communiqué was “not about politics,” the four-year-olds said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health.
“By now, many of you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House,” the statement read. “It’s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical or scientific fact.”
“Right now, millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do,” the statement continued. “Still, that’s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells you to do.”
The four-year-olds’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future: “Whenever Donald Trump tells you to do something, ask yourself: If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course not.”
4/22/20 Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.
Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”
“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”
Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”
“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.
4/20/20 Cuomo Says Florida Beachgoers Travelling to New York Must First Be Tested for I.Q.
ALBANY (The Borowitz Report)—After seeing images of Floridians crowding the beaches in Jacksonville, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all Florida beachgoers who travel to New York must first be tested for I.Q.
“Just as we’ve started flattening the curve, a surge in Florida beachgoers is the last thing our state needs,” Cuomo said. “And so, at all points of entry in New York, we will be ramping up I.Q. testing immediately.”
Cuomo said that, in order to administer I.Q. tests to all Florida beachgoers attempting to enter New York, the state will have to purchase tens of thousands of I.Q. tests on the open market.
“I asked the President for help in buying them, but he doesn’t believe in I.Q. tests,” the Governor said.
In Tallahassee, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he was “hopping mad” at Cuomo for insisting that Florida beachgoers prove that they are capable of rational thought.
“I was on the beach in Jacksonville yesterday,” a defiant DeSantis said. “If I fly to New York right now, will my I.Q. be tested?”
Minutes later, Cuomo issued a brief response. “In the case of Governor DeSantis, I don’t think an I.Q. test is necessary,” he said.
4/20/20 Nation’s Parents Fear That If Kids Miss Enough School They Will Turn Out Like Betsy DeVos
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.
As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.
“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”
Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.
“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”
4/17/20 Dr. Oz Fears That Coronavirus Comments Could Hurt His Credibility as Expert on Magic Beans
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans, Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday.
“I’ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world’s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract,” Oz said. “It’s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight, like unwanted pounds.”
Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him based on a few unfortunate comments but, rather, to consider his entire body of medical work, including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones.
“A few ill-considered remarks don’t change the fact that I’m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets,” he said. “And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I’ve promoted astrology, faith healing, and psychic communication with the dead? I should hope not.”
But even as he defended his unimpeachable scientific record, Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken. “In my darkest moments, I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold,” he said.
4/17/20 Fauci: No Evidence That Warmer Weather Will Make Trump Disappear
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to what he called “wishful thinking” on the part of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Thursday that there was “no scientific evidence” that warmer weather will make Donald J. Trump disappear.
Answering a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, Fauci said, “There’s a lot of stuff on the Internet about how, when the warmer weather comes, maybe Trump will disappear, or at least somewhat diminish the wreckage he causes. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence to suggest that this will be the case.”
Fauci said that, based on the photographic and video record of Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort, “He appears to be more active in the warmer weather.”
“When the temperature goes up, he seems to get less lethargic and goes golfing,” Fauci said. “This suggests that, when the summer months come, we could be seeing a second wave of him, unfortunately.”
The esteemed virologist did hold out some hope to Americans who have been counting on a seasonal change to make Trump vanish. “Something like that could happen in November,” he said.
4/15/20 Trump Defends Decision to Sign Stimulus Checks: “I Want My Name to Be Synonymous With the Coronavirus”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump vehemently defended his decision to have his name printed on millions of I.R.S. checks being issued to the American people, telling reporters on Wednesday, “I want my name to be synonymous with the coronavirus.”
Lashing out at critics of his decision, Trump said, “I have been working on this pandemic day in, day out, and I deserve total credit for it.”
He said that, by putting his name on the checks, “Whenever the American people hear about the coronavirus, the first thing they’ll think of is me.”
Asked about Trump’s decision to sign the checks, Dr. Anthony Fauci said, “I don’t think it was really necessary, since most people already associate the coronavirus with him.”
Former President Barack Obama said that he was “surprised” by Trump’s statement, remarking, “I had no idea that he knew what the word ‘synonymous’ meant.”
4/15/20 Trump Says the Three Things He Hates Most Are the World, Health, and Organization
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At Tuesday’s White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing, Donald J. Trump said that the three things he hates the most are the world, health, and organization.
“I hate the world, and I’ve always hated it,” he said. “The world is a horrible place because of all the horrible people in it. Any place that has Jim Acosta in it, I hate. The world is a disgrace.”
“Coming in at No. 2 of things I hate would definitely be health,” he said. “For the past two months, it’s all I’ve been hearing about, health this, health that. I wish health would just disappear. We’re trying to make that happen very strongly.”
“Finally, I’ve got to say that I hate organization,” he said. “Anyone who’s known me for any amount of time knows just how much I despise organization. Now, all of a sudden, governors, these beauties, are coming to me and asking me to organize everything. Well, it’s not gonna happen. For years before I got here, there was organization at the White House, and no one did anything about it. Well, now that I’m President, the federal government is getting out of the organization business.”
4/14/20 National Archives Report Someone Tried to Scrawl “Total Authority” with Sharpie on U.S. Constitution
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “total authority” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.
“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”
“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.
“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.
4/13/20 Study: No One Could Have Seen Pandemic Coming Except People Capable of Reading
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic coming except for people who are capable of reading, a new study indicates.
The study, published by the University of Minnesota, is highly critical of the current early-warning system for global pandemics, which requires that a person have the literacy necessary to read, comprehend, and digest a memo.
“In order to see a pandemic coming, one would have to read and also understand the words, sentences, and paragraphs that compose a typical memo,” Professor Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “And some of these memos can run two, three, even four pages in length.”
For someone who does not typically read, and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day watching television, “A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks.”
Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current “reading-centric” early-warning system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics.
“Right now, the lives of millions depend upon one person not being illiterate,” he said. “That’s setting the bar awfully high.”
4/13/20 Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
4/10/20 Fauci Refuses to Say When It Would Be Safe to Reopen Trump’s Mouth
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump’s mouth.
Fauci was responding to a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump’s mouth could be reopened without endangering public health.
“The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress,” Fauci said. “Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works.”
“We don’t want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and creating even worse problems than we have now,” Fauci added.
Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, “For the sake of argument, could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?”
“In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake,” Fauci said.
4/9/20 Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”
4/8/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Attack the Coronavirus as if It Were an Inspector General
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what he described as a “potentially major breakthrough,” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack covid-19 as if it were an inspector general.
Fauci, who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump, compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday.
“What do you hate more than anything, Mr. President?” Fauci asked.
“Jim Acosta,” Trump immediately replied.
“O.K., fine. But, besides Jim Acosta,” Fauci said, “it would be an inspector general, right?”
“You’re right, Tony,” Trump agreed. “I hate those losers.”
“Well, think of covid-19 as the worst inspector general in the world,” Fauci continued. “It’s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law. It’s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want. You wouldn’t stand for that, would you?”
Reportedly, Trump appeared shaken by Fauci’s analogy. “Damn it, Tony, when you put it that way, we’ve got to do something about covid-19,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action, but added, “Jared could still screw this up.”
4/7/20 Experts Recommend Disinfecting Television After Trump Has Been On
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on, a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday.
“If you have access to disinfectant wipes, thoroughly clean the television,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, said. “If the television is on your kitchen counter, wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher. This won’t eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.”
Dr. Carol Foyler, of U.C.L.A. advised that “disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes, but everyone needs to be aware that, if Trump has been on TV, it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.”
“I would take off your clothes, put them in the wash, and take a shower,” she said. “After you get out of the shower, if you have hand sanitizer, slather your naked body with it. This is what I do after Trump has been on.”
Logsdon agreed with Foyler’s recommendations but added, “I burn my clothes.”
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, of Wake Forest, agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one’s television and burning one’s clothes “half-measures.”
“Last week, I had the TV on, and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing,” he said. “I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television. I carefully placed the television in a garbage bag, sealed it securely with duct tape, and put it out on the street. Everyone should do this right now.”
4/7/20 Peter Navarro’s Ph.D. Revealed to Be from Trump University
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Peter Navarro, the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House’s coronavirus response, earned a Ph.D. from Trump University, it emerged on Tuesday.
Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments, his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning, when Donald J. Trump cited it as “the reason I hired him.”
According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript, Navarro majored in Trump Studies, which the defunct university’s course catalogue described as the “study of the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.”
To earn his Ph.D., Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “Donald J. Trump: Genius or Savior?” Extolling Navarro’s academic work, Trump said, “If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro, I’ll go with the Trump University grad, every time.”
For his part, Navarro told reporters that “fighting a pandemic isn’t rocket science,” but added that he is also an expert in rocket science.
4/6/20 Trump Optimistic About Winning Nobel Prize in Medicine
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an “amazing accomplishment,” Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he believes that he is the “clear favorite” to win this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine.
Trump said that he was a “lock” to win the Nobel because of his pioneering work in prescribing the drug hydroxychloroquine.
“I’ve been talking about hydroxychloroquine so much that a lot of people think I invented it,” Trump said. “You have to give the Nobel to someone who invents a major drug like that.”
He dismissed any claim that his lack of medical credentials disqualify him from winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine.
“Just the opposite,” he said. “The fact that I’m not a doctor makes my ability to prescribe drugs that much more impressive.”
Trump said that he hoped the Nobel committee would be a “hell of a lot more fair” about giving out the Nobel in Medicine than they were in bestowing the Nobel Peace Prize.
“I did peace, I did peace great, and I didn’t get the Peace Prize,” Trump said. “If I don’t get the Medicine Prize, then the whole Nobel business is rigged.”
He revealed that his medical discoveries had “blown away” the doctors on the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“When I tell Tony Fauci some of the stuff I’ve come up with, he just shakes his head,” Trump said.
4/4/20 National Incompetence Stockpiles at Full Capacity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Incompetence Stockpiles, the federal reserves of inanity and ineptitude to be drawn upon in times of crisis, are at “full capacity,” the Government Accountability Office announced on Saturday.
According to the G.A.O., the Incompetence Stockpiles are so well stocked at the moment that they are in danger of overflowing.
“The sheer tonnage of failure and impotence that is being dumped into the stockpiles on a daily basis is straining their ability to contain it,” the G.A.O. statement read.
Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota who has written the definitive book about the National Incompetence Stockpiles, said that the nation’s futility reserves stand at their highest levels ever, eclipsing the record stockpiles established during the tenure of President George W. Bush.
“The Bush Administration tapped the National Incompetence Stockpiles when it invaded Iraq and responded to Hurricane Katrina,” Logsdon said. “At the time, it seemed as though the stockpiles would never be fully replenished, and that makes the Trump Administration’s achievement all the more striking.”
According to the statutes governing the National Incompetence Stockpiles, individual states may draw on the federal reserves of idiocy in times of emergency, but so far the governors of states like Georgia, Texas, and Florida have been able to rely on vast stockpiles of their own.
4/3/20 Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.
4/2/20 Trump Launches “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing” with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.”
Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “getting kind of old.”
“CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show, and that made me very unhappy,” he said. “I realized I had to jazz things up.”
The first episode of “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing,” to air next Monday, will feature two Trump favorites,Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman.
“We’re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts,” he said. “Everybody I talk to hates the charts.”
Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show’s current cast members would have to go.
“Does Mike Pence stay in the cast?” he said. “He’s not a lock. Tony and Deborah? Not sure. The only person who’s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy.”
4/1/20 Trump Practicing Distancing from All His Prior Statements About the Coronavirus
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday, Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus.
“As of today, I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about covid-19 in the months of January, February, and March,” he said. “I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements, and probably more like ten thousand feet.”
Trump said that he could not predict how long his new practice of distancing would continue, but indicated, “Next week, I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week. This could go on for a long time.”
He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements, as well. “If you’re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February, leave the room immediately,” he advised.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed virologist, expressed approval of Trump’s new policy. “Personally, I have been distancing myself from his statements for months,” he said.
3/31/20 Trump Catches Melania Watching Cuomo Briefing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An awkward scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump came upon his wife, Melania, furtively watching New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily coronavirus briefing.
According to White House sources, Trump was walking down a corridor of the Family Residence when he heard a familiar nasal voice emanating from the Lincoln Bedroom, droning on about masks and ventilators.
Bursting into the room, Trump came upon his wife watching Cuomo with rapt attention.
Caught by surprise, Melania quickly turned off the television and claimed that she was only watching Cuomo “to see how many big, terrible mistakes he makes.”
While her husband seemed to accept her explanation, the incident raised eyebrows at the White House, where, for weeks, the First Lady has been vanishing midday to watch the Governor’s daily covid-19 updates.
Reportedly, last week a White House staffer observed Melania alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, the lights dimmed, the room illuminated only by the flickering image of Andrew Cuomo.
Unaware that she was being watched, the First Lady was overheard murmuring to Cuomo, “You be best.”
3/31/20 America’s Teachers Urge Trump to Use Time at Home to Repeat First Grade
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade, the nation’s teachers are urging.
Carol Foyler, the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators, said that the homebound Trump has a “golden opportunity” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum.
“At a time when many of our nation’s children are being homeschooled, this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading, writing, and math,” she said. “By June, he could be reading ‘Hop on Pop’ and ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ ”
She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump, “except Jared.”
Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation’s teachers, who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten.
“From an educational standpoint, the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along with others,” she said. “I think the ship has sailed on that.”
That disagreement aside, Foyler said that the nation’s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources. “He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country,” she said.
3/30/20 Fauci Warns Trump That If Everyone in U.S. Dies It Could Affect His TV Ratings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of covid-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.
3/28/20 Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “a bad idea” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat covid-19, Dr. Fauci has confirmed.
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning, arguing that it would address the “biggest problem” created by the pandemic thus far: the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it.
“A parade would put Jay Inslee and that woman in Michigan in their place,” Trump bitterly insisted.
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade, a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “much nicer” if held after the pandemic is over.
“Would I still be able to have tanks?” a crestfallen Trump asked.
“Yes, you could have tanks,” Fauci replied.
“What about balloons?” Trump asked.
“You can have all the balloons you want,” the virologist said. “I promise you.”
Speaking to reporters, Dr. Fauci said he believed that, after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump, “I think I got through to him,” adding, “I’ve gotta lie down now.”
3/26/20 New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.
In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.
After weeks of near-constant exposure, however, the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “a hundred per cent asymptomatic” of intelligence, the researchers found.
“In terms of facts, data, and wisdom, there was zero community spread,” the report stated.
The researchers, however, left open the possibility that intelligence might be transmissible to other people, just not to the seventy-three-year-old who was the subject of the experiment.
“There is evidence to suggest that this subject has developed a super-immunity to intelligence, making it impossible for even rudimentary information to permeate his extraordinarily thick cranium,” the study indicated.
3/25/20 Fauci Tricks Trump Into Believing There Is No Easter This Year
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year, Fauci has confirmed.
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday, an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action.
“I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it,” Fauci said. “Then I showed it to Trump and said, ‘There’s a problem with your plan, Mr. President. There’s no Easter this year.’”
According to Fauci, Trump was initially baffled by the news. “How could that be?” Trump asked. “There’s Easter every year.”
“This is a leap year,” the quick-thinking virologist replied.
“I guess I didn’t know it worked that way,” Trump said. “I never go to church.”
Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that, if all goes according to plan, the country could be reopened in time for Easter Sunday, 2021, a suggestion that Trump appeared somewhat reluctantly to accept.
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now entered a new phase. “I’ve given up on containment, and I’m just doing mitigation,” he said.
3/24/20 Trump Invokes Defense Production Act to Mass-Produce Gallons of Spray Tan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.
3/22/20 Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.
Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.
“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.”
But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”
Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.
3/21/20 Forty Per Cent of Nation’s Toilet Paper Found in Richard Burr’s Garage
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report—In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, forty per cent of the nation’s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr’s garage.
The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning, when Burr, who had been checking stock quotes on his phone, accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener.
The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper, which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks.
Picking through the mess, a sharp-eyed neighbor of Burr’s found a Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January, shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the covid-19 pandemic.
In an official statement, Burr angrily denied that there was “anything inappropriate” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage.
“My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed, in 1984,” he said. “I have never been a part of those decisions, and any attempt to imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.”
Burr said that, in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions, he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll.
3/20/20 Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”
Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.
“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.
Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.
3/19/20 Fox to Address Coronavirus Crisis with Three-Part Series on Hunter Biden
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Determined to address the “No. 1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis,” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden.
The series, to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden’s son.
“People are trapped inside their homes, they’re worried, they’re scared, and they don’t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden,” Hannity said. “We’re here to fill that need.”
Giuliani said that the three-part series was necessary because “the deep state” had limited Americans’ access to essential Hunter Biden facts during the pandemic crisis.
“If you go on the C.D.C. Web site, you won’t find a single mention of Hunter Biden, Burisma, or CrowdStrike,” Giuliani said. “It’s a disgrace.”
In the first episode of the series, the Fox hosts will attempt to answer what Carlson called “the most important question on our viewers’ minds: Did Hunter Biden cause the coronavirus?”
“As of now, there is no evidence that Hunter Biden caused the coronavirus,” Carlson said. “However, there is also no evidence that he didn’t cause it. That’s the angle we’re going to be focussing on.”
3/17/20 Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.
“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”
Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.
Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.
3/16/20 Trump Tests Negative For Empathy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.
In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”
“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”
The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.
“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.
Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.
3/13/20 Dr. Anthony Fauci Changes Trump’s Twitter Password
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters. “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”
During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.
Springing into action, Fauci surreptitiously took custody of Trump’s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter of seconds.
“I’d never hacked into a Twitter account before,” he said. “My heart was beating like a rabbit’s.”
Fauci said that there was “little to no chance” of Trump being able to guess his new password. “I used a polysyllabic word,” Fauci said.
3/12/20 Nation Baffled That Former Reality-Show Host Not Prepared for This
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this, Americans confirmed on Thursday.
In interviews across the country, individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic.
Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Lexington, Kentucky, said, “On his TV show, he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him. I assumed that that experience would come in handy if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, was equally puzzled. “When I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought, O.K., here’s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers,” he said. “What went wrong?”
Daniela Kartpin, of Minneapolis, said that the reality-show host’s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken. “I always thought that if the country ever faced an existential threat, the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment,” she said. “This whole thing is starting to make me wonder.”
3/9/20 Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.”
Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.
3/9/20 Cruise-Ship Passengers Demand to Be Housed at Mar-a-Lago
OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago, the passengers confirmed on Monday.
Frustrated by the Trump Administration’s delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark, the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was “only fair” that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home.
“Donald Trump keeps on saying that he’s not worried about coronavirus,” the passengers’ spokesman said. “Then he shouldn’t object to three thousand of us living with him.”
The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style, which includes golf, swimming, and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room.
At the White House, Trump said that, if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago, they should stay as far away from him as possible, “like Melania does when she’s down there.”
The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy, drooping eyelids, and other flu-like symptoms turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson.
3/6/20 Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the covid-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.
3/5/20 Washington, D.C., Man Linked to Community Spread of Coronavirus Misinformation
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A resident of Washington, D.C., has been identified as the source of the community spread of coronavirus misinformation throughout the United States.
Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Thursday that the man had ignored the advice of public-health experts and spewed a toxic strain of ignorance, potentially infecting millions.
The man, believed to be a fact-resistant organism, travelled last week to South Carolina, where he came in contact with thousands of people who, as a result of community spread, now believe that coronavirus is a hoax.
The epidemic of cluelessness expanded last night, when the man called in to a Fox News television program to encourage people with coronavirus to go to work rather than stay at home, as scientists have urged.
A C.D.C. spokesperson in Atlanta said there are steps that the public can take to avoid becoming infected by the man’s noxious contagion of falsehoods.
“According to the data we have, the most virulent misinformation is transmitted via this man’s oral cavity,” the spokesperson said. “If you turn on your TV and see him open his mouth, move as far away as possible.”
3/4/20 Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.
“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
Trump’s tirade against Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state, a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence’s inadequate praying efforts.
“They’re still voting in California,” Trump barked at Pence around midnight. “Get down on your knees and get to work, you loser.”
According to White House sources, Trump’s insistence that Pence pray for Biden’s failure has pushed the Vice-President “to the breaking point.”
“He’s already spending hours every day praying for the stock market to go up,” one source said.
3/2/20 TULSI GABBARD’S NINE SUPPORTERS URGE HER TO DROP OUT OF RACE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her nine supporters announced on Monday.
The announcement from Gabbard’s nine followers surprised many Democrats, who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running.
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary, the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard’s path to the nomination had grown “dauntingly narrow.”
“We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing President of the United States,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters, said. “But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.”
Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign, noting, “By not appearing in the past two debates, she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.”
Reached at her office in Washington, a defiant Gabbard said that she was “in it to win it” and that she still had the strong support of her imaginary friends.
2/28/20 C.D.C. DIRECTOR SAYS CORONAVIRUS EFFORT COULD BE HELPED BY QUARANTINING PENCE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an aids outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.
2/26/20 TRUMP PLANS TO DESTROY CORONAVIRUS WITH AN INCREDIBLY MEAN TWEET
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Wednesday that he was planning to destroy the coronavirus by sending an “incredibly mean tweet” in its direction.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he was already in the process of crafting insults about the virus that would obliterate it once and for all.
In a preview of the mean tweet he is devising, Trump said, “The thing about the virus is it’s incredibly small. It’s smaller than Mike Bloomberg. Once I point that out, the coronavirus won’t know what hit it.”
He added that he was also in the process of coming up with an insulting nickname for the virus.
“It’s going to be something about how small it is,” Trump said. “Something like Lil’ Micro Mini Virus. I’m still working on it, but it’s going to be so mean. You won’t believe how mean it’s going to be.”
Trump was dismissive of the scientists who have raised dire concerns about the virus in recent days. “These so-called experts are the same people who said I needed sunglasses to stare at the eclipse,” he said.
2/25/20 RUTH BADER GINSBURG SAYS TRUMP SHOULD RECUSE HIMSELF FROM ALL DECISIONS INVOLVING THE FUTURE OF THE COUNTRY
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his personal interests put him in direct conflict with the interests of the United States of America, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has demanded that Donald Trump recuse himself from all decisions involving the future of the U.S.
Speaking from her office at the Supreme Court, Ginsburg said that Trump’s oft-stated allegiance to himself makes it impossible for him to render unbiased decisions on issues affecting people other than himself.
“Since the United States is populated by three hundred and thirty-one million people who are not him, any decision regarding their fates would, by definition, ensnare Trump in an insoluble conflict of interest,” she said.
Ginsburg enumerated a list of issues about which Trump should immediately recuse himself, including immigration, trade, taxes, the social safety net, women’s reproductive rights, health care, the economy, the military, the environment, “and any other issues related to domestic or foreign policy not listed above.”
Ginsburg stressed, however, that, even after recusing himself from those matters, Trump would still be allowed to weigh in on other important decisions, like “what to eat and which channel to watch.”
2/19/20 MEXICO TIGHTENS BORDER AFTER TRUMP PARDONS WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.
2/18/20 BLOOMBERG ENRAGES TRUMP BY BUYING GREENLAND
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an apparently successful attempt to get under the skin of Donald Trump, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark.
In an official statement released on Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen, would not disclose the price that Bloomberg paid for Greenland but indicated that it was an “all-cash offer.”
“Mr. Bloomberg has a lot of money,” Frederiksen added.
News of Bloomberg’s purchase of Greenland reportedly infuriated Trump, who immediately ordered his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to make an offer to buy the Faroe Islands from Denmark.
Within minutes, however, Denmark rebuffed Kushner’s bid. “We do not believe Donald Trump is capable of running the Faroe Islands,” Frederiksen said.
As for Bloomberg, his campaign released a brief statement about the historic purchase of the 836,330-square-mile landmass, saying only, “Mike gets it done.”
2/13/20 BILL BARR RUSHED TO WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER AFTER REMOTE-CONTROL IMPLANT IN BRAIN FAILS
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday afternoon after the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed, the White House has confirmed.
White House aides first noticed signs of the implant’s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News, after which the Attorney General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed.
A team of surgeons was able to identify the problem with Barr’s implant after an examination revealed a “low-power issue,” a Walter Reed spokesperson said.
After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr’s implant, the Attorney General appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside.
“Donald Trump is our greatest President,” he said, staring into the middle distance.
2/12/20 JUDGE SENTENCES ROGER STONE TO HOUSE ARREST IN SUSAN COLLINS’S HOME
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that Donald Trump called “incredibly unfair,” Judge Amy Berman Jackson has sentenced Roger Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins, of Maine.
As part of the sentence, Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof as Stone, in Bangor, and insure that he is properly fed, clothed, and exercised until 2030.
The sentence immediately drew howls of protest from Stone, who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins would “send me over the edge.”
“Judge, can we revisit the whole prison idea?” Stone begged Jackson.
For her part, Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone’s jailer was a good idea, adding that she would “need more time to think about it.”
Jackson said that Stone’s house arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election, at which point Collins is expected to be home on a permanent basis.
2/10/20 PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS TROUBLED OR CONCERNED SHOULD GET DIFFERENT JOB, WORKPLACE EXPERTS SAY
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—An employee who regularly self-identifies as “troubled” or “concerned” would benefit from seeking a different job, leading workplace experts said on Monday.
Professor Davis Logsdon, the director of the University of Minnesota’s Workplace Health Institute, cited the case of a Maine woman who appeared to undergo a traumatic experience every time she was faced with a difficult decision at work.
“According to her own account, each decision followed an excruciating period of existential torment,” Logsdon said. “Any employee who finds decision-making this harrowing should clearly consider working somewhere else.”
Logsdon said that the woman’s frequent episodes of being troubled and/or concerned usually resulted in an unsatisfactory outcome.
“At the end of her nightmarish deliberation process, she lost the capacity for individual judgment,” he said. “She just went along with what everyone else in the office decided to do, regardless of the harm that such a decision might cause.”
Consequently, the researchers at the Workplace Health Institute concluded that any person who approaches his or her job with the levels of self-doubt and anxiety regularly exhibited by the Maine woman should find a new job that requires no decision-making whatsoever.
“In her current position, she is useless,” Logsdon said.
2/5/2020 TRUMP ACCUSES BUTTIGIEG OF SUSPICIOUS TRAVEL TO AFGHANISTAN
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of Pete Buttigieg’s strong showing in the Iowa caucuses, Donald J. Trump accused the former South Bend, Indiana, mayor of engaging in “suspicious travel” to Afghanistan.
“People are saying that he went to Afghanistan for seven months in 2014,” Trump told the hosts of “Fox & Friends” in a phone call. “Seven months is a long time to be running around in a Muslim country full of terrorists, don’t you think?”
He added that Buttigieg reportedly had a gun with him while he was in Afghanistan, a fact that Trump said “sounds fishy to me.”
“Let’s see, you fly all the way to a Muslim country full of all of these terrorists who need guns, and you’re bringing a gun into a country like that?” Trump said. “Who was he planning to give that gun to?”
“I don’t know if he was part of some caliphate or just helping them out, but we ought to find out,” he said. “I have a call in to the President of Afghanistan.”
Trump said that his suspicions about Buttigieg’s “totally unexplained travel to Afghanistan” spiked when he saw a photo of the former mayor “dressed up in some kind of weird camouflage suit.”
“You have to see this picture—he’s all dressed up in camo or whatever, like he’s ready for some kind of battle,” Trump said. “You’ll never find a picture of me dressed like that.”
2/4/2020 FLORIDA OFFERS TO HELP IOWA COUNT VOTES
TALLAHASSEE, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the delay in the release of the Iowa caucus results “a threat to democracy,” the state of Florida has offered to help Iowa with the vote-counting process.
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for Florida’s official electoral commission, said on Tuesday morning that “Florida stands ready and willing to restore credibility to Iowa’s vote-tabulation procedures.”
Dorrinson added that Katherine Harris, Florida’s former secretary of state, was eager to “roll up her sleeves and clean up Iowa’s mess.”
“Just say the word, Iowa, and Katherine Harris will be on the next plane out,” he said.
For their part, Iowa Democratic Party officials said that they were already making great progress in counting the caucus results, and that early returns indicated that a white person had won.
1/30/20 EL CHAPO OUTRAGED THAT HIS TRIAL INCLUDED WITNESSES
FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.
1/27/20 TRUMP SAYS HE HAS NO INTENTION OF HAVING BOLTON’S BOOK READ ALOUD TO HIM
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said.
“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”
Trump acknowledged that Ivanka had previously read aloud to him other books that he had not enjoyed, such as “A Warning,” by Anonymous.
“That Anonymous guy has to be the worst writer,” he said. “After Ivanka read ten pages of that crap to me, I told her to throw the book across the room, and she did.”
Trump said that he hears “many books” a week, and that sometimes his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, takes turns with Ivanka reading them aloud to him.
“I’ve enjoyed hearing Sean Hannity’s books and Laura Ingraham’s books,” Trump said. “But John Bolton’s? Please. That’s the last book I want to hear when Ivanka and Jared tuck me in at night.”
1/24/20 TRUMP DEFENSE TEAM SCRAMBLING TO FIND EXAMPLE OF LAW TRUMP DID NOT BREAK
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperately trying to change the narrative after a week of damaging presentations, Donald J. Trump’s defense team is scrambling to find an example of one law that Trump did not break, sources confirmed on Friday.
In concert with two of Jeffrey Epstein’s most prominent defenders, Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, Trump’s personal attorney Jay Sekulow has been scouring federal, state, and municipal law books in the hopes of finding one statute that Trump, for whatever reason, did not violate.
“So far, no luck,” a source close to the defense team said.
If the attorneys do manage to find a law that Trump did not break, that information will be “locked down” in a secure server to which Trump himself will not have access.
“They’re trying to prevent the worst-case scenario, where Trump discovers there’s a law he hasn’t broken yet and immediately goes and breaks it,” the source said.
As the pressure on the defense team mounts, Dershowitz has privately expressed regret that he got involved with Trump’s case.
“O.J. was easier than this,” he was overheard muttering.
1/21/20 Susan Collins Takes Hours to Decide on Lunch Before Ordering Exactly What Mitch McConnell Is Having
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate, Senator Susan Collins, a Republican of Maine, spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having.
Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands, Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one.
“I’m deeply troubled and concerned about getting this order right,” Collins said. “There are many valid choices on this menu and I don’t want to give any of them short shrift.”
Around 11 a.m., rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad, a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber.
By noon, however, Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen, a roast beef sandwich on a roll.
“At the end of the day, there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better,” she said.
According to sources, Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her.
1/16/20 Trump Stays Up All Night with Sharpie Crossing Out Lev Parnas in Photos with Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.
Trump, his hands blackened by ink, started working his way through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 p.m., a White House source confirmed.
After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas, Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas deletions.
“Get Pence and Barr in here!” Trump reportedly thundered. “If I’m going down, they’re going down!”
According to the White House source, Pence and Barr appeared within minutes but were not joined by Representative Devin Nunes, who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office with a Sharpie and his phone logs.
1/14/20 Democrats Demand That Giuliani Be Trump’s Lawyer at Impeachment Trial
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rudolph Giuliani’s offer to act as Donald J. Trump’s defense attorney at the President’s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats, who are now demanding that he perform such a role.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani’s participation as Trump’s lawyer during his Senate trial was, as far as they were concerned, “nonnegotiable.”
“Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can represent the President as no one else can,” Pelosi said. “If he is not the President’s lawyer in the Senate, that would be a deal-breaker for me.”
Concurring with Pelosi, Schumer added, “My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani’s hourly fees, in cash, to make this thing happen.”
Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial. “No witnesses,” she said. “Just Giuliani.”
Appearing on Fox News, Giuliani said that he was “a little surprised” by the Democrats’ enthusiastic support, adding, “Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning, which I thought was really nice.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial, nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate’s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry.
1/13/20 Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote for Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.
The poll found that sixteen per cent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one per cent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three per cent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”
By contrast, only eight per cent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, said that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect.”
“If this many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.
1/8/20 Trump Furious at Iran for Distracting People from Impeachment for Only Two Days
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “incredibly angry” at Iran for taking the American people’s attention away from his impeachment for only about two days, Trump told reporters on Wednesday.
“When I did that drone strike, I was under the impression that it would knock impeachment out of the news for at least a month,” a visibly enraged Trump said. “Instead, it’s Wednesday and we’re back to this Pelosi garbage.”
Trump said that he had hoped that Iranians would react to his provocation in a way that might have forced Democrats to forget about impeaching him altogether, but “all I got for my trouble was a chickenshit couple of days.”
“Honestly, Iran reacted like it was Belgium or something,” Trump said.
Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “if this is the thanks I get,” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment.
“Should I have attacked North Korea?” he said. “Frankly, I don’t know who to trust anymore.”
Borowitz Report (Satire) posted 1/6/20 10:54 EST (He's Back!) Happy New Year!
1/6/20 Ayatollah Mystified That He Is the Only Dictator Trump Dislikes
TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, is “completely baffled” as to why he appears to be the only dictator whom Donald J. Trump does not like, the autocrat said on Monday.
Speaking to reporters in Tehran, the long-reigning tyrant expressed puzzlement and dismay that Trump had not given him the adulation that he has showered on seemingly every other totalitarian in the world.
“Trump loves Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, and he’s even given Kim Jong Un a cute nickname, but, for some mysterious reason, I leave him cold,” the visibly saddened Ayatollah said. “I just don’t get it.”
Khamenei initially tried not to take Trump’s distaste for him personally, he said, “but when it became clear that he liked even second-tier strongmen like Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, of Turkey, and Rodrigo Duterte, of the Philippines, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.”
One possible reason Trump might dislike him, the Ayatollah theorized, is that “he just doesn’t realize how repressive I am.”
“If he did his homework, he’d see that I trample press freedoms, shred basic human rights, and persecute political opponents,” he said. “In terms of the things that are important to him, I really check all the boxes.”