Borowitz Reports (SATIRE) are posted at the NewYorker.com. But they only allow non-subscribers to view a TOTAL of 5 NewYorker articles per month. I subscribed to read them all as they came out. I began reformatting Andy's Borowitz Reports to simple text to share them on this webpage, organized by year. I email (blind-copy) reports (as I discover them by checking the NewYorker often) to trusted friends who appreciate his humor. Email me at jhmathgal at gmail dot com if you want to be on my Borowitz friends contact list. If you copy and share anything from this page on social media, please do NOT share my name, email or site. If you email it to someone you trust, you can give them my email or this site address.
Reports below are in reverse chronological order. See links above for other years.
12/18/19 Andrew Johnson Horrified That History Books Will Mention Him in Same Sentence as Trump
THE AFTERLIFE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement from beyond the grave, Andrew Johnson, the seventeenth President of the United States, said that he was “horrified” that history books will now mention him in the same sentence as Donald J. Trump.
Making his first utterance since he died, in 1875, the spectral Johnson said, “As someone who has actually experienced death, I can safely say that being mentioned in the same breath as Trump is a fate worse than that.”
“I could deal with history remembering me as the first U.S. President to be impeached,” he said. “But knowing that I will now appear in the first line of Trump’s obituary is, to put it mildly, devastating.”
“What have I done to deserve this?” Johnson asked.
Although being linked with Trump for eternity was “something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy,” Johnson conceded that there was a silver lining to Trump’s Presidency.
“Finally, I’m no longer considered the worst President in history,” he said.
12/12/19 Trump Named Person of the Year by Popular Sociopath Magazine
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—For the third year in a row, Donald J. Trump has been named Person of the Year by the magazine Popular Sociopath, the publication announced on Thursday.
“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”
Dorrinson said that Trump bested a daunting roster of competitors for the title, including the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell; the Fox News host Tucker Carlson; and Trump’s own son Donald J. Trump, Jr.
“Honestly, though, it wasn’t close,” the editor said.
When asked if he had reached out to his son since surpassing him for the magazine’s honor, Trump told reporters, “Why would I do that? I don’t care what he thinks or feels. This is all about me. What a stupid question. You’re worthless.”
12/10/19 Giuliani Kidnapped by Ukrainian Circus
KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.
“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”
Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.
“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”
For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.
“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,” Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”
Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity. “I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”
12/3/19 NATO Leaders Challenge Trump to Spell NATO
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—This year’s summit of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization began on a discordant note, on Tuesday, after the other twenty-eight nato leaders challenged Donald Trump to spell nato.
At a preliminary gathering of the leaders, Trump demanded that the other member nations increase their cash contributions to the alliance, prompting Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, to issue the unexpected and unwelcome spelling challenge.
“We’ll be happy to give more to nato, Mr. President, if you can spell nato,” she said, drawing raucous applause from the other leaders.
Handing Trump a pencil and a yellow legal pad, Merkel watched as he struggled to spell the word correctly, crumpling page after page in the effort.
After several failed attempts, Trump finally offered up a drawing of several stick figures standing in a row and asked for “partial credit.”
When the other nato leaders rejected his request by a 28–0 voice vote, Trump stormed out of the room, vowing never to return.
In a joint communiqué, the nato leaders said that they were looking forward to spending the rest of the summit watching the impeachment hearings.
11/25/19 Giuliani Claims He Has Evidence Linking Biden to Obama
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what could be his most explosive allegation to date, Rudolph Giuliani claimed on Monday that he had “mountains of evidence” linking the Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden to former President Barack Obama.
Appearing on “Fox & Friends,” a visibly excited Giuliani said that he had stored the evidence of the Biden-Obama ties in his office safe and was prepared to reveal it “at the proper time.”
“This isn’t a case of the two men sharing an occasional phone call or meeting,” Giuliani charged. “For eight years, they were basically joined at the hip.”
Giuliani argued that Obama and Biden had a “secret understanding” that, if anything happened to Obama, “You know who would take his place? That’s right: Joe Biden.”
Their corrupt deal enabled Biden to “feast at the teat” of the federal government, the former New York mayor said. “Biden took military aircraft around the world and got free housing in Washington, all with the seal of approval of his best pal, Barack Obama,” he said.
In his most serious allegation, Giuliani said that all of these “lush perks” amounted to a “payoff” for nefarious services that Biden had rendered to Obama.
“In both 2008 and 2012, Joe Biden meddled in the U.S. elections to benefit none other than—you guessed it—Barack Obama,” Giuliani said. “Talk about a quid pro quo.”
11/22/19 Devin Nunes Accuses Witnesses of Misleading American People with Facts
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what some observers called his most sarcastic opening statement of the impeachment inquiry, Representative Devin Nunes, on Thursday, accused witnesses of trying to mislead the American people with facts.
“From the beginning of these proceedings, the Democrats’ witnesses have offered facts, more facts, and nothing but facts,” Nunes said. “I, for one, have had enough of their factual games.”
Ramping up his attack, he accused the civil servants who have testified of having “an almost cult-like worship of verifiable information.”
“ ‘Step right up,’ these witnesses seem to be saying,” Nunes added. “ ‘The fact circus is in town.’ ”
Nunes, however, warned his Democratic colleagues that “the American people won’t be fooled by your relentless account of things that actually happened.”
“When the American people see the Democrats building this massive, sky-high tower of facts, they have to ask themselves: Is that all you’ve got?” he said.
11/20/19 Trump Accuses Vindman of Becoming a War Hero Just to Make Him Look Bad
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after the decorated veteran testified to Congress on Tuesday, Donald Trump accused Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman of becoming a war hero “just to make me look bad.”
In a vicious broadside on Twitter, Trump claimed that Vindman carried out an “evil plan, years in the making” to “load himself up with medals” that would give his future testimony against Trump greater credibility.
“Fifteen years ago, he went to fight in Iraq, thinking to himself, ‘Boy, this is going to help me when I try to attack Trump someday,’ ” Trump tweeted. “This is how the Never Trumpers roll.”
When Vindman earned a Purple Heart, Trump wrote, “His scheme to attack me personally really started coming together.”
Trump contrasted Vindman, whom he called a “disgraceful showboat,” unfavorably with Representative Devin Nunes, whom he labelled “a great American.”
“Say what you will about Devin Nunes, he’ll never go and do something heroic,” Trump tweeted.
11/18/19 Trump Warns Republicans That If They Vote to Impeach He Will Campaign for Them Like He Did in Louisiana
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Delivering an ominous threat to members of his own party, Donald J. Trump warned congressional Republicans on Monday that if they vote for impeachment he would come to their states and campaign for their reëlection.
In a series of intimidating, early-morning tweets, Trump made it clear that if Republicans wobble on impeachment, “I will hold rallies in your state and support you with everything I’ve got.”
Making it clear that his threat was far from hollow, Trump tweeted an image of a “Keep America Great” banner and warned, “I used these in Louisiana and Kentucky. Don’t think I won’t use them in your state!”
Trump’s threat to campaign enthusiastically for disloyal Republicans had an immediate impact on Monday, as several G.O.P. congresspeople who had previously called the President’s actions toward Ukraine “troubling” revised their assessment to “probably no big deal, now that I think about it.”
11/15/19 “Everywhere She Went Turned Bad,” Says Man with Six Bankruptcies
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering tweet on Friday, the former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, was accused of leaving a trail of destruction by a man with six bankruptcies and multiple business failures.
“Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad,” wrote the man, who ran the now defunct United States Football League into the ground and paid twenty-five million dollars to settle fraud charges against a fake university bearing his name.
“She started off in Somalia, how did that go?” tweeted the man, whose lengthy roster of bankruptcies includes the Trump Taj Mahal (1991), Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino (1992), the Plaza Hotel (1992), Trump Castle Hotel and Casino (1992), Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts (2004), and Trump Entertainment Resorts (2009).
“Then fast forward to Ukraine, where the new Ukrainian President spoke unfavorably about her,” continued the man, who founded such business fiascoes as the Trump Shuttle airline, Trump Vodka, and Trump Steaks.
At the House of Representatives, Representative Devin Nunes vigorously defended the man’s controversial tweets. “He is calling out someone for creating disasters everywhere she goes, and no one is more qualified to talk about that than he is,” Nunes said.
11/11/19 Republicans Demand That Everyone in Witness-Protection Program Appear on National TV
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “enough is enough,” congressional Republicans demanded on Monday that the thousands of people in the nation’s witness-protection program be required to appear on national television.
“What kind of a country protects someone’s identity just because they were instrumental in bringing a criminal to justice?” Representative Jim Jordan, of Ohio, asked. “I don’t want to live in a country like that.”
Representative Devin Nunes, of California, concurred. “Anonymity is all well and good, but we should be able to look at these people and know their names,” he said.
At the United States Senate, Lindsey Graham told reporters that “it’s time for people in the witness-protection program to put up or shut up.”
“I want these people to go on TV and say what they have to say, and then I fully intend not to listen to them,” the senator said.
11/8/19 Bloomberg Offers Trump Ten Billion Dollars to Leave White House by End of Day
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg upended the 2020 Presidential race on Friday by offering Donald J. Trump ten billion dollars to leave the White House by the end of the day.
“I will deposit ten billion dollars into your account in Moscow, Riyadh, or wherever you do your banking these days,” Bloomberg announced. “All you have to do is go.”
In addition to the ten-billion-dollar offer, Bloomberg told Trump that he would cover the moving expenses of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and any other associates “that you haven’t already gotten rid of.”
On Capitol Hill, congressional Democrats expressed sadness that Bloomberg’s offer, if successful, would eliminate the need for impeachment, which many of them had been looking forward to.
But Representative Adam Schiff of California struck a more philosophical note. “If ten billion dollars gets rid of Donald Trump, that’s a quid pro quo I’m okay with,” he said.
11/6/19 High Turnout of Smart Voters in Kentucky Terrifies Rand Paul
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Surprisingly high turnout among smart voters in Kentucky on Tuesday has left Senator Rand Paul “terrified and shattered,” one of Paul’s aides has revealed.
As the election returns came in Tuesday night, it became clear that intelligent voters, who had never played a prominent role in any of Senator Paul’s electoral contests, were making their feelings known in unprecedented numbers.
“What we were seeing was huge participation by voters who apparently both consume and comprehend verifiable facts,” the senator’s aide said. “As far as Rand Paul is concerned, this is the doomsday scenario.”
As the night wore on, the aide said, Paul stared at the Kentucky election returns on TV in a near-catatonic state, finally moaning, “Where are all of these smart people coming from, damn it?”
The aide cautioned that it remains to be seen whether the heavy turnout of sentient Kentucky voters is a one-off fluke, but, if it turns out to be a lasting trend, “Rand Paul is going to have to find a dumber state.”
11/4/19 Trump Accuses Whistle-Blower of Working for United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Escalating his war of words against the person who sparked the impeachment inquiry, Donald J. Trump on Monday accused the whistle-blower of working for the United States of America.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he had evidence “directly linking” the whistle-blower to the United States government.
“This is the biggest witch hunt in the history of witches or hunts, and it was all started by someone who was in the pay of the United States,” Trump said. “It’s a disgrace.”
Expanding his attack, Trump accused his principal congressional nemeses, Representative Adam Schiff and Representative Nancy Pelosi, of being “card-carrying employees of the United States.”
“Follow the money,” he said. “Shifty Adam Schiff is cashing United States government checks every single week.”
Trump said that he was confident that his supporters would “see the impeachment inquiry for what it is: a conspiracy by people working on behalf of a country.”
“What it comes down to is, who are you going to trust, somebody who is working for the United States, or me?” he asked.
11/2/19 Trump Gets Note from Podiatrist Exempting Him from Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, Donald Trump on Saturday secured a note from a podiatrist exempting him from impeachment.
The note, written by Trump’s personal podiatrist, Dr. Harland Dorrinson, said that the strain of undergoing impeachment could “catastrophically inflame” a foot malady that has bedevilled Trump since the nineteen-sixties.
While the doctor’s note drew howls of protests from congressional Democrats, the Attorney General, William Barr, supported excusing Trump from impeachment on humanitarian grounds.
“Given the seriousness of the President’s ailment, impeachment is cruel and unusual punishment and therefore unconstitutional,” Barr said, adding that the Department of Justice would investigate Representative Adam Schiff and the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, for “crimes against feet.”
Another prominent Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, vouched for the fragile state of Trump’s health. “I have spent many hours with President Trump,” Graham said. “He is not a well man.”
10/28/19 Trump Claims World Series Fans Want to Lock Him Up in White House for Doing Excellent Job
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “incredibly moved by their support,” Donald J. Trump said on Monday that fans at Game 5 of the World Series expressed their strong desire to see him locked up in the White House for doing such an excellent job as President.
“Out of nowhere, they just started chanting,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “They really want to see me locked up for another four years.”
Trump said that he was surprised by the passionate and urgent nature of the chanting directed toward him. “Despite all the things that the fake media has said about me, these people know what an amazing job I’ve done,” he said. “They really want to lock me up and never let me go.”
Noting that the Constitution allows a President to serve only two terms, Trump said, “That’s a real shame, because the way those people were chanting, I think they’d like to see me locked up for the rest of my life.”
He added that he hoped his archnemesis, former President Barack Obama, was watching the World Series on television to witness “the unbelievable support I got from that crowd.”
“Obama was President for eight years, and he never heard anyone chant ‘lock him up,’ ” Trump said. “What a loser.”
10/18/19 Trump Offers Freed ISIS Fighters a Group Rate at Trump Doral Resort
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “once-in-a-lifetime incredible deal,” Donald Trump on Friday offered recently-escaped isis fighters a group rate at the Trump National Doral Miami.
“I am giving isis a group rate that entitles them to the full run of the golf course, the spa, you name it,” he said. “This is going to make the isis people very, very happy.”
The fighters can qualify for the group rate by presenting proof of isis membership and their recently freed status, Trump said.
Trump declined to say whether he would extend the same group rate to Kurdish fighters in Syria. “I’m not a fan of the Kurds,” he said. “Where were the Kurds in 1776 when George Washington took control of the British airports?”
Shortly after Trump made the offer to isis, however, the group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, issued a lukewarm response.
“We’ve read some not-so-great things about the Doral on TripAdvisor,” Baghdadi said. “If we wanted to go to a golf resort, we’d pick one that doesn’t have bedbugs.”
10/17/19 The Life-Changing Magic of Impeaching Trump
Over the past five years, millions of Americans have ascended to a higher plane of fulfillment by tidying up their homes. By talking to our possessions, one by one, and asking if they spark joy, we have achieved a kind of contentment we never dreamed possible.
Now it’s time to tidy up a residence that belongs to all of us: the White House.
At first, this seems like a daunting task. After all, the White House has a hundred and thirty-two rooms. There is much culling to be done.
But there’s no reason to despair. Many useless things have already been hauled away. Reince Priebus, John Kelly, Steve Bannon, Kirstjen Nielsen, Michael Flynn, John Bolton, Sean Spicer, Hope Hicks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders—none of them sparked joy. And now they are all gone. And Anthony Scaramucci, who sparked joy as briefly as those paisley pants you immediately regretted buying at H&M—he is gone, too.
Clearly, though, more culling remains to be done.
We must look at Donald Trump and ask ourselves, “Does this spark joy?” And, although the answer to that question might be somewhat different in Russia, North Korea, and Turkey, the answer here is a resounding no.
Remember how, once you tidied up your dwelling, you discovered hidden treasures buried under all of those needless possessions? Well, once that garish orange thing that sparks no joy has been removed from the Oval Office, you’ll be amazed what you’ll find underneath. Things you forgot you even had, like democracy.
10/15/19 Trump Accidentally Calls Biden Looking for Dirt on Biden
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest embarrassing communications slipup for the White House, Donald Trump called Joe Biden over the weekend looking for dirt on Joe Biden.
Reportedly, the phone call began with ten to fifteen minutes of pleasantries before Trump, who apparently did not realize he was speaking to the former Vice-President, asked Biden to investigate “Sleepy Joe and his crooked son, Sleazy Hunter.”
Understandably, Biden took umbrage at this request, and only then did it become clear to Trump that he had called the wrong person.
After Biden was unmasked, Trump was urged to quickly hang up by Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence, Bill Barr, Betsy DeVos, and a half-dozen other senior Administration officials who had been listening in on the call.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, attempted to put the errant phone call in context by explaining that the former Vice-President’s phone number was “extremely similar” to that of Stevo Pendarovski, the President of North Macedonia.
On the lawn of the White House, Trump lashed out at those criticizing his call to Biden, arguing, “Other than the fact that I did not know who I was talking to, that phone call was perfect.”
10/11/19 Nation Shocked That Giuliani Has Associates
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After learning that two of Rudy Giuliani’s associates had been charged with federal campaign-finance crimes, millions of Americans expressed their stunned disbelief that Giuliani had associates.
“By ‘associates,’ do they mean people who actually associate with Giuliani?” Carol Foyler, who lives in St. Louis, said. “This whole story doesn’t add up.”
“I read that these quote-unquote associates of Giuliani’s were actually business associates,” Tracy Klugian, of Butte, Montana, said. “If that means he was paying them a lot of money to associate with him, that could explain everything.”
“It said on the news that these associates were foreign-born,” Kevin Lockdale, of Portland, Maine, said. “Maybe they don’t speak English too well and so they don’t realize that everything Giuliani says is batshit. I mean, I know I’m grasping at straws, but I’m trying to make sense of this whole associates thing.”
Harland Dorrinson, a clinical psychologist who has done a ten-year study on the social isolation of despised people, said that the existence of Giuliani’s two associates should give “hope to the detestable” everywhere. “Honestly, if Giuliani can have associates, anyone can,” he said.
10/10/19 Study: Millions of Taxpayer Dollars Could Be Saved by Impeaching Pence at Same Time
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A nonpartisan study published by the University of Minnesota has found that the nation could save “untold millions” of taxpayer dollars by impeaching Mike Pence at the same time as Donald J. Trump.
The study, entitled “Operation bogo,” makes a compelling case for commencing an impeachment inquiry into Pence “as soon as possible,” its author, Davis Logsdon, said on Thursday.
“The cost of impeaching Trump alone or Trump and Pence together is virtually identical,” Logsdon, an economics professor, said. “This is all about economy of scale.”
“Taxpayers are already paying Adam Schiff to investigate Trump,” he added. “I’m fairly sure Schiff could be persuaded to throw in Pence for free.”
When it comes time to publish articles of impeachment against Trump, Logsdon noted, “It would cost almost nothing in terms of paper or ink cartridges to add the words ‘and Pence, too.’ ”
In the eventuality that Trump and Pence are removed from office simultaneously, additional cost savings could be achieved, Logsdon added. “They could share the same moving van,” he said.
In conclusion, the University of Minnesota study proposed that the millions saved by impeaching Pence at the same time as Trump could be spent on schools, roads, and paying down the national debt. “The question is no longer ‘Should we impeach Mike Pence?’ ” Logsdon said. “The question is ‘How can we afford not to?’ ”
10/6/19 Trump Sees New Polls and Orders Ukraine to Investigate Elizabeth Warren
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After looking at the most recent polls for the Democratic Presidential race, Donald J. Trump has ordered the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, to investigate Senator Elizabeth Warren.
“What Elizabeth Warren and her crooked kids have been doing in Ukraine is a disgrace,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn. “This is maybe the biggest scandal in the history of our country.”
After Jim Acosta, of CNN, pointed out that there had been no reports of any involvement in Ukraine on the part of either Warren or her children, Trump responded, “You bet there’s been no reporting, because you people are even more crooked than she is.”
Trump brushed aside an official statement by the Ukrainian government indicating that Warren’s children had never set foot in the country. “That is because the Warren kids are basically spies, and everyone knows that spies are invisible,” he said. “You people are so dumb.”
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that he would wait for the results of the Iowa caucuses before urging Ukraine to investigate Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana.
10/4/19 Democrats Beg Trump to Stop Impeaching Himself So They Have Something to Do
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected twist in the impeachment drama engulfing Washington, leading congressional Democrats have begged Donald Trump to stop impeaching himself so that they have something to do.
In a press conference on Friday morning, Representative Adam Schiff, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, and Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House, both implored Trump to stop relentlessly spewing impeachable offenses, complaining that this practice was rendering their jobs irrelevant.
“Mr. President, as much as we appreciate your help, please, stop doing our work for us,” Pelosi said. “Give us a reason to get up in the morning and go to the office.”
“I know that you’re in no mood to do me a favor, Mr. President, but hear me out,” Schiff added. “I’m trained as a prosecutor. My entire life has been building to a case like your impeachment. But if you persist in impeaching yourself on an almost hourly basis, that really wrecks the challenge for me.”
Just minutes after the Democrats’ press conference, Trump appeared to turn a deaf ear to their entreaties, as he publicly asked the nations of Belgium, Turkmenistan, Malta, and Peru to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.
10/3/19 Kim Jong Un Told Trump He Was Too Busy Developing Ballistic Missiles to Help Him with Biden Thing
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump asked Kim Jong Un to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, but Kim said that he was “too busy developing ballistic missiles” to do so, the North Korean dictator confirmed on Thursday.
“I remember getting a call from him about the Biden thing, I want to say in August,” Kim told reporters. “And I was, like, ‘I am super busy developing a new generation of ballistic missiles right now.’ ”
Kim said that he recalled Trump being “very understanding” and saying that he would “try some other countries.”
Although the conversation was apparently pleasant, the North Korean leader remembered thinking that Trump’s request for dirt on Joe Biden was “kind of weird.”
“I said to him, ‘Are you sure you should be calling foreign leaders for this kind of thing?’ ” Kim recalled. “ ‘Have you really thought this through?’ ”
10/2/19 Eric Trump Accuses Don, Jr., of Being Whistle-Blower in Bid to Get Him Cut Out of Will
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what insiders are calling an audacious move to get his older brother cut out of their father’s will, Eric Trump has accused Donald Trump, Jr., of being the whistle-blower.
According to White House sources, Eric marched into the Oval Office on Wednesday morning and announced to his father, “You can stop wondering who this quote-unquote whistle-blower is. It’s Don.”
Reportedly, no sooner had the young Trump made the startling accusation than Don, Jr., himself burst into the room, turning the tables on his sibling by claiming that Eric, and not he, was the actual whistle-blower.
Within seconds, the Trump brothers were viciously wrestling on the Oval Office carpet, while their father looked on, seemingly pleased by the spectacle.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, issued a statement in the hopes of defusing this latest controversy. “A forensic analysis of the whistle-blower’s complaint reveals that it was written entirely in complete sentences, thus eliminating both Trump boys as its author,” she said.
9/30/19 Trump Says If There Is Another Civil War He Will Get a New Note from Podiatrist
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after tweeting that his impeachment could result in a civil war, Donald J. Trump clarified that, in the event of such a war, he would seek a new note from his podiatrist.
Trump issued the clarification after military advisers cautioned him that, after starting a civil war, he might reasonably be expected to participate in it.
Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Trump said, “Much as I would like to fight in a civil war, my very serious foot condition would keep me from doing that.”
Trump said that, although every other part of him was “extremely young and vibrant,” his feet “are in no condition to fight.”
He added, however, that the country should “think very carefully” before engaging in a civil war. “It would be very sad for the United States to have a civil war for the first time in its history,” he said.
Below is the first report put out earlier in the morning.
9/30/19 Mitch McConnell Announces Senate Will Close Until 2021 for Repainting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced on Monday that the United States Senate would be closed until the year 2021, “for repainting.”
Calling the current state of the Senate’s paint job “a national disgrace,” McConnell said that repainting the Senate was “the most urgent problem facing our democracy today.”
“The Democrats can waste their time with all their usual hijinks and tomfoolery, but I cannot stand idly by and watch the walls of this hallowed chamber grow dingy and chipped,” McConnell said.
The Kentucky Republican said that he had not yet selected the shade of white to be used to repaint the Senate, but aides indicated that he had narrowed the choices to Ivory, Seashell, and Mascarpone.
Although the proposed paint job would require the Senate to be on recess for the next fifteen months, McConnell could not guarantee that that would give Republican senators enough time to read the whistle-blower’s complaint.
9/27/19 Obama to Produce Netflix Series About Trump’s Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has inked a ninety-million-dollar deal to produce a Netflix series about Donald J. Trump’s impeachment, Netflix confirmed on Friday.
Production on the series could begin as early as October, in Washington and Kiev, Obama told reporters.
“We’ve already hit the ground running on the script,” Obama said. “Rudy Giuliani has given us a lot to work from.”
Obama said that casting for the roles of Trump and Mike Pence had already begun. “Pence has a much bigger role in this than you might think,” he added.
The former President acknowledged, however, that dramatizing the story of the Trump impeachment was not without challenges. “Right now, the main character reveals the smoking gun himself in the first episode,” he said. “There’s virtually no mystery.”
9/25/19 Putin Saddened That Trump Asked Other Foreign Country to Meddle in Election
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Wednesday that he was “saddened and hurt” that Donald J. Trump had asked a different foreign country to meddle in a U.S. election.
“I thought when it came to election meddling that Donald and I were exclusive,” an emotional Putin told reporters. “This feels like a betrayal.”
Putin said that when he read the call summary of the phone conversation between Trump and the President of Ukraine, “I could not believe my eyes. It was just like the conversations Donald and I used to have.”
The Russian leader said that he had considered meddling in the 2020 election to help Trump, but added, “Now I’m not so sure.”
“We had something special, but now that’s gone,” Putin said. “I feel so used.”
9/24/19 Panicky Trump Orders Dozen New Sharpies Before Releasing Ukraine Phone Transcript
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A reportedly panic-stricken Donald J. Trump ordered a dozen new Sharpies before releasing a transcript of his phone conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
Trump was reportedly incensed after he discovered that aides had not replenished his supply of Sharpies after he used his last one diverting the path of Hurricane Dorian.
In New York for the United Nations General Assembly, Vice-President Mike Pence scoured stationery stores in midtown Manhattan to find the precious Sharpies, but came up empty.
While the quest for Sharpies continued, aides professed that the situation was “under control.”
“President Trump has actually done some of his best work with crayons,” one aide said.
9/23/19 “How Has This Bastard Not Been Impeached Yet?” Nixon Asks in Hell
HELL (The Borowitz Report)—The former President Richard M. Nixon became the latest person to call for Donald J. Trump’s impeachment on Monday, holding an extraordinary press conference in Hell to do so.
“I see the news every day and I shake my head,” Nixon said, the infernal flames of Hades licking his jowls. “How has this bastard not been impeached yet?”
The former President said that the Watergate scandal, which led to his resignation from office, was “like jaywalking” compared to Trump’s interactions with a foreign government.
“I’ll admit that my subversion of democracy wasn’t ideal, but this Ukrainian business is some next-level shit,” Nixon said.
Though clearly aggrieved that Trump has thus far received more favorable treatment from Congress than he did, he showed some grudging admiration for the current occupant of the White House. “If he’s not impeached, he’s the luckiest bastard in the world, and I’ll tell him that when he gets down here,” Nixon said.
9/20/19 In Major Shakeup, One of the Voices in Rudy Giuliani’s Head Resigns
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a shakeup that White House insiders said was a long time coming, one of the voices in Rudy Giuliani’s head has resigned.
The resignation, which was officially tendered on Saturday morning, seemed inevitable after the former New York mayor made an appearance on CNN Thursday evening in which two of the voices in his head appeared to be in open warfare with each other.
“When that happened, it was clear that Rudy’s head was not big enough for the both of them,” a White House insider said. “And Rudy has an extremely big head.”
In an official statement, Giuliani thanked the departing voice for its service, and said that he was confident that the four remaining voices in his head would work well together.
As for the former voice in Giuliani’s head, it was rumored to be applying for a position inside Kellyanne Conway’s head.
9/19/19 Trump Considers Sending Drone to Middle East
(A photo of Jared Kushner accompanied this report.)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is sowing discord among his foreign-policy advisers with a controversial plan to send a drone to the Middle East, White House insiders report.
According to sources familiar with the heated discussions, the opposition to Trump’s plan stems from the belief of many in his inner circle that the drone proposed for the mission is totally ill-equipped and doomed to miserable failure.
“There is virtually no enthusiasm for this particular drone,” one source said. “Trump is the only person who thinks that it has any use whatsoever.”
Fears abound that, if the drone were employed in the Middle East, it would immediately stray off course, due to its near-total lack of an even rudimentary guidance system.
“This drone is essentially the opposite of a smart weapon,” the source said. “Even if you tell it what to do, it cannot perform the simplest tasks. Every mission it has been sent on thus far has been a catastrophic embarrassment.”
Despite the widespread contempt for the drone, there is a faction in the White House that believes that sending it to the Middle East might still serve a useful purpose. “At least it wouldn’t be here anymore,” the source said.
9/13/19 Queen Trains Corgis to Attack Boris Johnson If He Ever Comes to Palace Again
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II has trained her corgis to attack the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, if he ever comes to Buckingham Palace again, palace sources have confirmed.
For Johnson, who recently suffered another setback involving a dog, the news that the Queen was prepping her beloved canines to eviscerate him was just the latest indication of his precipitous fall.
The Queen reportedly supervised the corgis’ training herself, instructing them to lunge at Prince Charles, who wore a shaggy yellow wig for the exercise.
“When the corgis tore into Charles’s trousers, the terror in his eyes was palpable,” one observer said. “The Queen looked very happy.”
Although the Queen has been publicly tight-lipped on the subject of Johnson, a royal source indicated that she was heard muttering “that lying bastard” when the embattled Prime Minister appeared on television this week.
“There’s only room for one unelected ruler in this country,” she reportedly added.
9/10/19 Trump Signs Executive Order Giving Him Control of Weather
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what some congressional Democrats are calling a flagrant example of Presidential overreach, Donald Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order giving him total control of the weather.
Under the terms of the order, Trump would assume the unilateral power to create all meteorological conditions, including but not limited to hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, hail, sleet, and wintry mix.
After signing the order, a beaming Trump pronounced “total victory” over the weather, which he called “the enemy of the people.”
“I have been treated very unfairly by the weather,” Trump said. “The weather is a horrible person.”
On Fox News, Sean Hannity praised Trump’s decision to seize control of the weather and compared it favorably to former President Barack Obama’s weather policy, which he called “a trainwreck.”
“Obama just let the weather run wild,” Hannity said.
Although Trump’s executive order is certain to face legal challenges, White House sources indicated that the President was ready to press forward with an additional order giving him dominion over all living things, the planets, and the stars.
9/5/19 In Latest Humiliation, Boris Johnson’s Dog Resigns As His Pet
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest in a string of humiliating blows to the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s dog has abruptly resigned as his pet.
The dog, whom Johnson named Lord Slobberly, made the announcement in an official statement on Thursday morning.
“After wrestling with my conscience for some time, I have concluded that any further association with Mr. Johnson would be damaging to my reputation,” the dog said.
The sudden defection of Johnson’s dog sent shockwaves through his cabinet, with many ministers fearing that Lord Slobberly could be just the first of his pets to jump ship.
Specifically, parliamentary sources report that Johnson’s cat, Lady Paws-Whiskerly, is rumored to be in conversations with the Liberal Democrats.
As for Lord Slobberly, the dog said that his first official act after resigning would be to “bite Jacob Rees-Mogg in the ass.”
9/4/19 Americans Shocked by Spectacle of Legislative Body Taking Action
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans were shocked on Tuesday by the spectacle of a legislative body appearing to take action.
Across the U.S., television viewers watched with mouths agape at startling images of legislators seemingly intent on performing their constitutional duties.
Adding to Americans’ sense of astonishment, the legislators showed evidence of putting their country before party in an effort to rein in the actions of a reckless leader who had not garnered the majority of his nation’s votes.
Even more baffling to U.S. viewers, the legislators were furious that the leader had reduced the number of days that they had to show up to do their jobs.
Harland Dorrinson, who watched the bizarre proceedings on television at a bar in Pittsburgh, was “totally perplexed” by what he saw.
“From what I could tell, the legislators were providing oversight over the executive branch in order to protect their country from disaster,” he said. “It was so weird.”
9/3/19 Americans Envious That Tiffany Trump Never Hears from Dad
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans envy Tiffany Trump for never hearing from her father, a new poll reveals.
According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, Tiffany Trump’s unique placement beyond the reach of her father’s voice has made her the most envied woman in America.
Although Donald Trump took the extraordinary step of emitting the word “Tiffany” in remarks to reporters last week, the rarity of that utterance only served to remind Americans of just how fortunate Tiffany was to be off her father’s radar.
“In all our years of polling, it’s highly unusual to find one person so universally envied,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “People in virtually every demographic group ‘strongly agreed’ with the statement, ‘God, I wish I were Tiffany Trump.’ ”
The poll finds Tiffany Trump sitting atop a list of the most envied women in America, well ahead of Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and MacKenzie Bezos, who has a net worth of thirty-five billion dollars.
8/20/19 Unskilled Man Fears He Will Lose Job in Recession
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A man with no identifiable skills is deeply worried that a recession could cause him to lose his job, people close to the man have confirmed.
The man, who has barely clung to his job for the past two and a half years, is justified in believing that an economic downturn would result in his unemployment, experts said.
“When the economy is good, it’s possible for someone like him to hold down a job for which he is woefully unqualified,” Harland Dorrinson, a human-resources specialist, said. “But when the economy goes south, look out.”
Dorrinson said that the unskilled man’s résumé, which lists six bankruptcies and multiple business failures, could come under scrutiny in the event of a recession.
“His employers might find themselves asking, ‘How did he get this job in the first place?’ ” Dorrinson said.
Additionally, the man’s near-total lack of education—evidenced by his inability to spell common one-syllable words or to identify the century in which the airplane was invented—could make him vulnerable to termination, the human-resources expert said.
“On the plus side, he enjoys watching television for eight hours a day,” Dorrinson said. “During a recession, he’ll be able to do even more of that.”
8/16/19 Denmark Offers to Buy U.S.
COPENHAGEN (The Borowitz Report)—After rebuffing Donald J. Trump’s hypothetical proposal to purchase Greenland, the government of Denmark has announced that it would be interested in buying the United States instead.
“As we have stated, Greenland is not for sale,” a spokesperson for the Danish government said on Friday. “We have noted, however, that during the Trump regime, pretty much everything in the United States, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.”
“Denmark would be interested in purchasing the United States in its entirety, with the exception of its government,” the spokesperson added.
A key provision of the purchase offer, the spokesperson said, would be the relocation of Donald Trump to another country “to be determined,” with Russia and North Korea cited as possible destinations.
If Denmark’s bid for the United States is accepted, the Scandinavian nation has ambitious plans for its new acquisition. “We believe that by giving the U.S. an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation,” the spokesperson said.
8/13/19 Endangered Polar Bear Demands Face-to-Face Meeting with Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the White House took steps to weaken the Endangered Species Act, an irate polar bear has demanded a face-to-face meeting with Donald J. Trump.
The bear, who was described as “livid” by his spokesperson, has already begun his journey from the Arctic to Washington to express his deep dissatisfaction with Trump.
“He has been ravenously hungry because of the destruction of his habitat,” the bear’s spokesperson said. “The latest news about the Endangered Species Act has not improved his mood.”
Although it is unclear whether a one-on-one meeting between Trump and the aggrieved bear will occur, a new poll indicates that a broad majority of Americans would strongly favor such a meeting.
The White House has, so far, issued no response to the bear’s request, but the Vice-President, Mike Pence, has already refused a one-on-one meeting with a female polar bear.
8/7/19 Trump Demands Facebook Investigate Why Obama’s Post Got So Many Likes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald J. Trump has demanded that Facebook investigate why a status update posted by former President Barack Obama on Monday has received so many likes.
Speaking to reporters on Wednesday morning, Trump said that the more than eight hundred and fifty thousand likes that Obama’s post had garnered as of Tuesday night were “phony,” and called the seeming popularity of the post a “rigged hoax.”
“There is absolutely no way that eight hundred and fifty thousand people liked Obama’s post,” he said. “I know a lot of people, and absolutely none of them like Obama.”
Trump said that, in addition to investigating Obama’s likes, he was demanding that Facebook remove several hundred thousand of Obama’s likes and “give them to me instead.”
Calling the former President’s Facebook post “as long and boring as a book,” Trump slammed Obama for being “terrible at social media, which is the most important part of a President’s job.”
“In that post he uses words like ‘motivations,’ ‘proliferate,’ and ‘unequivocally,’ ” Trump said. “How could over eight hundred thousand people like a post full of words that no one has ever heard of?”
8/6/19 Link Found Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—There is a “significant link” between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts.
The study, which is raising eyebrows with its startling conclusions, finds that the most reliable predictor of gun violence is the “prevalence of quiveringly fearful politicians in positions of power.”
As part of the study’s methodology, researchers examining gun violence compared countries ruled by non-cowards with those ruled by gutless toadies.
“In countries ruled by non-cowards, such as New Zealand, gun violence is virtually nonexistent,” the study claims.
While the study’s authors paint a bleak picture of nations with “coward-rich” leadership, they offer a recommendation to remedy this dire state of affairs.
“While censoring movies or video games would have no measurable effect on gun violence, major strides can be made by replacing cowards in government with non-cowards,” the study suggests, noting that this theory could be tested as early as 2020.
For more info on this next report, google "Moscow Mitch" or click here for one article.
7/30/19 Putin Denies Mitch McConnell Is Russian Asset: “He Has Never Been an Asset to Any Country”
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against charges that Senator Mitch McConnell is a Russian asset, the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, said on Tuesday that McConnell “has never been an asset to any country.”
“You can scour the four corners of the globe, and you will not find a nation that would ever in a million years consider Mitch McConnell an asset,” Putin said.
The Russian President urged pundits who have called McConnell a Russian asset “to look up the word ‘asset’ in the dictionary.”
“You will find that ‘asset’ means a useful or valuable thing,” Putin said. “The only part of that definition that fits McConnell is ‘thing.’ ”
Pressing his case further, he said that it was debatable whether McConnell was even an asset to his home state of Kentucky. “Maybe compared to Rand Paul he is, but that’s setting the bar ludicrously low,” he said.
Concluding his remarks, Putin said that people who ask, “Who does Mitch McConnell work for?” are asking the wrong question. “The question should be ‘When has Mitch McConnell ever worked?’ ” he said.
7/28/19 Government Housing Structure Infested with Criminals and Rats
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A government-subsidized housing structure has fallen into a dangerous state and has become thoroughly infested with criminals and rats, a leading congressman warned on Saturday.
The building has become “the territory of vicious gangsters who roam freely and consider themselves above the law,” Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat of Maryland, said.
The congressman added that notorious gang members took over the housing facility in early 2017 and have “spread terror and despair” there ever since.
“People are scared to be there,” Cummings said. “Hundreds have fled.”
He said that the horrific conditions within the housing complex are one of the nation’s worst-kept secrets. “Many of the people who have fled over the past two years have written books about it,” he said. “But the criminals continue to run wild.”
The congressman said that he was speaking out for the benefit of the residents in his Baltimore, Maryland, district. “I am alarmed that the nation’s worst breeding ground for crime is less than fifty miles from Baltimore,” he said.
7/25/19 Republicans Defend Trump’s Decision to Give Putin Office Space at White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that Donald J. Trump’s control over the Republican Party is now complete, congressional Republicans on Thursday defended his decision to give the Russian President Vladimir Putin office space at the White House.
A newly emboldened Trump told reporters that he had furnished Putin with a corner-office suite and secretarial staff to use whenever the Russian President is in town. “He says he plans to be here more and more,” Trump said.
Putin, who moved file boxes into his new office on Thursday afternoon, said he looks forward to many productive hours at the White House with few, if any, interruptions.
“At the Kremlin, people are always sticking their heads in my office, asking me questions,” he said. “President Trump just spends all day watching TV.”
At the U.S. Senate, a visibly angry Senator Lindsey Graham called allegations that there was anything improper about Trump giving office space to Putin “totally unfair, disgusting, and vile.”
“Vladimir Putin has worked harder to run the U.S. government than all of the Democrats in Congress put together,” Graham said.
7/23/19 Queen Elizabeth Moving to Canada
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Canada “immediately” and should take up full-time residence there by the end of the week, Buckingham Palace confirmed on Tuesday.
The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks.
In a sign that the Queen’s decision is irrevocable, the palace revealed that her beloved corgis had already been flown to Toronto.
In a brief farewell statement to the British people, the Queen explained why she had chosen Canada as her new home. “We speak the language, and our picture’s on the money there,” she said.
She said that she had “no regrets” about abdicating the throne to her son, Charles. “At this point, there’s nothing he can do to make the U.K. more messed up than it already is,” she said.
7/22/19 Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people “to get the hell out of here,” White House sources confirmed on Monday.
According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find “somewhere in the Bible” where Jesus “tells people that they don’t belong here and they should beat it.”
Pence, who seemed startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. “No, not that. I don’t want to piss off Deutsche Bank,” he said. “I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the shithole places they came from.”
After a shaken Pence said that he would “see what I can find,” Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists “the lowest form of life.”
7/19/19 Trump Denies Being at North Carolina Rally
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump attempted to further distance himself from a racist chant shouted at a North Carolina campaign rally earlier this week by denying that he had attended the rally.
“I wasn’t there,” Trump told reporters at the White House on Friday. “If I had been there, you can be sure I would have done everything I could to stop them from chanting.”
Trump said that he was furious that thousands of people had apparently assembled in North Carolina to chant racist things when he was nowhere near the rally and thus totally incapable of intervening.
“It’s the kind of thing I would have been disgusted by if I had been there to hear it,” he said. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t there.”
On Capitol Hill, Senator Lindsey Graham lashed out at reporters for persistently claiming that Trump had, in fact, attended the rally. “If he says he wasn’t there, then, damn it, he wasn’t there,” a visibly furious Graham said. “How do you people sleep at night?”
7/15/19 Democratic Congresswomen Urge Trump to Go Back to Russia
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Four Democratic congresswomen issued a brief statement on Monday urging President Donald Trump to go back to Russia and improve the dire conditions of that country.
In the tersely worded statement, the four lawmakers—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, of New York; Ilhan Omar, of Minnesota; Ayanna Pressley, of Massachusetts; and Rashida Tlaib, of Michigan—indicated that Russia was “broken and crime-infested” and required Trump’s immediate attention.
The statement went on to suggest that, once Trump had fixed the problems plaguing Russia, he could return to the United States and “show us how.”
In a tweet, Trump mocked the congresswomen, contrasting them with the “real revolutionaries” honored over the weekend on Bastille Day. “In 1789, these brave people stormed Louis XVI’s airports,” he wrote.
7/13/19 Trump Furious That Mar-a-Lago Is Left with No Employees After ICE Raid
PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump was reportedly “hopping mad” on Saturday after a surprise ice raid left his Mar-a-Lago retreat with no employees.
The ice agents conducting the pre-dawn raid swept through the opulent Palm Beach club and left guests with no one to prepare their food, wash their dishes, or clean their rooms.
When informed of the news, a furious Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and his sons Eric and Donald, Jr., ordering them to hurry to Palm Beach and wait on tables.
A spokesman for Mar-a-Lago called the situation “dire,” warning that the resort had lost almost as many staff members as the White House.
7/10/19 U.K. Unable to Find Replacement Ambassador Who Does Not Think Trump Is an Idiot
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Following the resignation of its Ambassador to the United States, Kim Darroch, the government of the United Kingdom has disclosed that it has been unable to find a replacement for Darroch who does not also think that Donald J. Trump is a blithering idiot.
At a press conference at 10 Downing Street, the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, revealed that the search for a new ambassador who does not believe that Trump is an imbecile has thus far come up empty.
“We did not want a repeat of the unfortunate Kim Darroch incident, so we made the first question on the job application, ‘Do you think Donald Trump is a moron?’ ” May said. “So far, none of the applicants has checked the ‘no’ box.”
May acknowledged that the government might have to expand its search for applicants beyond those with diplomatic experience in order to find a replacement for Darroch who does not consider Trump a dolt.
“We will search high and low until we find someone in this country who doesn’t think Donald Trump is a nitwit,” she said. “We’re starting by interviewing people who don’t think Boris Johnson is a nitwit.”
While affirming her government’s determination to find someone in the U.K. who does not think Trump is an unmitigated bonehead, May warned that the difficulty of the task must not be underestimated. “This is turning out to be harder than Brexit,” she said.
7/8/19 British Ambassador Concealed Insults from Trump by Writing Messages in English
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The British Ambassador to the United States, Kim Darroch, explained on Monday that he had tried to conceal insulting remarks from Donald Trump by writing his cables in English.
“I believed that, by writing these messages in English, that would serve the same purpose as encryption,” Darroch said. “The fact that Trump was somehow able to decode them remains deeply mysterious to me.”
Darroch said that, “out of an abundance of caution,” he took further steps to make the cables indecipherable to Trump, deploying multisyllabic words such as “dysfunctional.”
“Clearly, I did not take into account the possibility that one of his aides might read these cables aloud to him and explain what all of the long words meant,” he said. “I was not aware that there was anyone at the White House capable of performing such duties.”
In Washington, Trump appeared not to be taking the insulting cables personally. “The British are just mad at us for taking over their airports in the eighteenth century,” he said.
7/3/19 Trump’s Fourth of July Parade to Include Flyover by Russian Air Force
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “incredibly exciting news,” President Donald Trump revealed on Wednesday that his long-planned Fourth of July parade in Washington will include a flyover by Russian Su-24 fighter planes.
“These are beautiful, gleaming Russian planes,” Trump boasted to Tucker Carlson, of Fox News. “I’m the first American President who’s had Russian fighters flying over Washington.”
He said that he finalized the flyover deal while speaking to the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, at the G-20 Summit last week. “Putin said, ‘This is the least we can do, after all you’ve done for us,’ ” Trump said.
Trump said he imagined that the crews of the Russian military aircraft will be thrilled to fly over the nation’s capital. “I’m sure they’ll be taking a lot of pictures,” he said.
7/1/19 Ivanka Comes Out Against Busing: “I Have Never Taken a Bus In My Life—They’re Gross”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump came out strongly against busing on Monday, telling reporters, “I have never taken a bus in my life—they’re gross.”
Trump said she was reluctant to wade into the busing controversy, but asserted, “The idea of getting on a bus, where there are a lot of other people and you have no idea who they are or what they might be eating, is against everything I stand for.”
She said that she had no idea why people would take a bus when they could “just take an Uber,” but was quick to clarify, “I have never taken an Uber, either.”
“Ubers don’t seem as gross as buses, but they still seem pretty gross,” she said.
As she spoke about various modes of transportation, Trump grew visibly emotional. “In the eighties, a little girl in Manhattan took a limo to elementary school every morning,” she said. “That little girl was me.
7/1/19 Trump Praises Kim on Immigration: “No One Is Trying to Get Into Your Country”
NORTH KOREA (The Borowitz Report)—Setting foot in North Korea for the first time, on Sunday, President Donald Trump praised that nation’s dictator, Kim Jong Un, for his efforts on immigration, telling Kim, “No one is trying to get into your country.”
After crossing into North Korea from the Demilitarized Zone, Trump remarked to the North Korean leader, “Your border is amazing! There are no people whatsoever trying to get in. You should see our border—it’s a complete mess.”
Barely containing his envy, Trump continued, “Of course, you don’t have Congress to deal with, like I do. They’ve caused all the problems I’ve had on immigration. You’ve got a much better deal. You want to build a wall, you build a wall. No one can tell you you can’t.”
Surveying the border admiringly, Trump bemoaned the brevity of his impromptu visit with Kim. “I have so much to learn from you,” Trump said. “You must be doing something right.”
6/28/19 Terrified Trump Writes Check to Biden Campaign
OSAKA (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after watching the second night of Democratic Presidential debates, a reportedly shaken Donald J. Trump wrote a check to the campaign of former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Trump took a break from the G-20 summit to watch the Thursday-night contest and emerged from the viewing “ashen and trembling,” one G-20 colleague said.
Later, Trump was overheard trying to enlist Russian President Vladimir Putin to support the Biden 2020 effort.
“Please, you’ve got to help Joe. He’s in trouble,” Trump pleaded with the Russian.
“Stop being such a baby,” Putin reportedly snapped.
6/27/19 Debate Viewers Struggle with Concept of President Without Glaring Personality Disorder
MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of viewers of a televised debate Wednesday night found themselves struggling with the notion of a President with no visible personality disorder.
In interviews across the country, viewers said that they were having difficulty imagining a President who does not display flagrant signs of malignant narcissism, impulse-control deficit, or rampant paranoia.
“I kept trying to picture whether any of these people would be capable of insulting another country on Twitter to compensate for his or her own pathological sense of inadequacy,” Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Akron, Ohio, said. “None of them showed me that they have what it takes to do that.”
“A President should be ready, at a moment’s notice, to ridicule another person’s face,” Carol Foyler, of Nashville, said. “I didn’t see one person on that stage who seemed up to that task.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in San Diego, said he was taken aback by the candidates showing off their language proficiency. “Every one of them was fluent in English,” he said. “For a President, that would be jarring.”
6/18/19 Panicky Trump Brothers Seek Podiatrist Notes After Dad Sends Troops to Middle East
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a state of panic after their father dispatched troops to the Middle East, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr., have both sought medical notes from a Manhattan podiatrist.
According to an official statement from Donald Trump, Jr.,’s spokesperson, John Barron, Jr., the two Trump boys obtained the medical notes “out of an abundance of caution.”
The podiatrist’s notes, which were made public by Barron, paint a picture of two otherwise healthy young men with foot problems that can only be described as dire.
According to the podiatrist, Eric Trump is unable to operate his feet while chewing gum, while one of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s feet appears to be permanently lodged in his mouth.
6/16/19 Replacement for Sarah Sanders Disqualified After Telling Truth on Job Application
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leading candidate to replace the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was disqualified after telling the truth repeatedly on his job application, the White House has confirmed.
According to the White House chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, the candidate got high marks in his job interview by demonstrating “utter disregard and contempt for press freedoms.”
“We then had him do a practice press briefing in which he was relentlessly abusive, obnoxious, and insulting,” Mulvaney said. “We were all, like, ‘This is our guy.’ ”
But after a thorough examination of the candidate’s job application, “a troubling series of truthhoods emerged,” Mulvaney said.
“It turned out that he was telling the truth about his education and previous employment,” the chief of staff said. “It was a pattern of honesty that we found deeply disturbing.”
Mulvaney said that the “inexcusably veracious” answers had eliminated the candidate from further consideration. “We all feel like we just dodged a bullet,” he said. “This whole episode just demonstrates how tough it is to replace Sarah Huckabee Sanders.”
6/13/19 Kellyanne Conway to Leave White House Immediately and Begin New Job at Kremlin
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The embattled Presidential adviser Kellyanne Conway will leave her post at the White House, effective immediately, and begin a new job at the Kremlin on Friday, the White House and the Kremlin have confirmed.
Conway, who has served as a counsellor to President Donald Trump, will serve as a counsellor to President Vladimir Putin.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, announced the news in sombre fashion. “Everyone here is happy for Kellyanne, but our nation has lost a great liar,” she said.
Conway told reporters that she was excited to work in “a country that doesn’t have dumb old laws like the Hatch Act.”
“As a federal employee, there were so many restrictions on getting involved in American elections, but at the Kremlin that’ll be my main job,” she said.
6/10/19 Trump Says He Has Made Deal to Add Hawaii as Fiftieth State
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has reached a groundbreaking deal with the Hawaiian Islands to make them the nation’s fiftieth state, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Calling it “my most incredible deal yet,” Trump said that he had forced Hawaii to bend to his will and “cough up billions” to become a state.
“This is a big win for our country,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Hawaii is going to be a beautiful and amazing state.”
Just minutes after his announcement, however, there was significant pushback from Hawaii, which claimed that it had already reached a deal to become a state in 1959.
That claim swiftly drew the ire of Trump, who denounced Hawaii’s alleged sixty years of statehood as “fake news” and “disgraceful.”
“The Hawaiians better be very, very careful what they say,” Trump warned. “I made them a state and I can take that away.”
6/8/19 Woman Quits Job After Being Forced to Spend Week with Trump
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—A British woman quit her job, on Friday, after being forced to spend the better part of a week with Donald J. Trump, the woman has confirmed.
Speaking to reporters at her office in London, the woman said that, although she had spent years trying to get the job, having to endure several days in the company of Trump convinced her that “life is too short.”
“When I started this job, I knew that a certain amount of my responsibilities would involve dealing with members of the public,” she said. “But had I known that I also would have to spend hours listening to Donald Trump talk, I certainly would have applied for a different position.”
Compounding the woman’s nightmare, she was required to spend time not only with Trump but with his adult children as well. “Having to talk to that Eric person reduced me to tears,” she said.
The woman said that she has been amazed to learn that more than ten people have come forward to say that they would like to be her replacement. “Whoever gets my job should be warned: at some point, you may have to spend a week with Donald Trump,” she said. “Are you really up for that?”
6/1/19 Trump Says He Would Be Much Better Princess Than Meghan Markle
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on both sides of the Atlantic on Saturday by claiming that he would be a “much better princess” than Meghan Markle.
Calling the Duchess of Sussex “a nasty woman,” Trump said, “If I were a princess, I would not be nasty. People would say, ‘Donald Trump is the nicest princess.’ ”
Trump added that “all a princess has to do is sit on a throne, and I would be very good at that also.”
“I sit between ten and twelve hours a day, minimum,” he said.
Finally, Trump said that, as Princess, he would do “a way better job at waving at people than Nasty Meghan does.”
“Meghan Markle’s waving is a disgrace,” he said. “I have the best waves.”
5/29/19 Mueller Stirs Controversy by Urging Americans to Read
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by recommending that millions of Americans read.
Mueller, seemingly oblivious to the uproar he was about to create, repeatedly commented that there was valuable information available to the American people only by reading a long book.
At the White House, sources said that Donald J. Trump was furious about Mueller’s statement because he interpreted the special counsel’s pro-reading message as a thinly veiled attack on him.
Speaking to reporters later, on the White House lawn, Trump made it clear that Mueller’s exhortation to read had fallen on deaf ears.
“I’ve never read any of my books, and I certainly don’t intend to read his,” Trump said.
5/23/19 Pelosi Takes Advantage of Trump’s Storming Out of Oval Office to Hide Nuclear Codes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, took advantage of Donald Trump’s storming out of an Oval Office meeting on Wednesday to hide the nuclear codes, Pelosi has confirmed.
Moments after Trump threw a tantrum and abruptly left his own office, the quick-thinking Pelosi turned to Senator Charles Schumer, who was also present for the meeting, and said, “Chuck, we’ve got to find those nuclear codes and hide them.”
Pelosi and Schumer ransacked the Oval Office for the codes until Pelosi finally located them in a desk drawer under a pile of empty Quarter Pounder containers from McDonald’s.
Speaking to reporters on Thursday, the House Speaker refused to divulge her hiding place for the codes, but addressed widespread speculation that she had hidden them in a book.
“Believe me, that was my first thought,” she said. “But I checked the whole office, and there were no books.”
5/15/19 Alabama Senate Votes to Virtually Eliminate Tourism to Alabama
MONTGOMERY, Alabama (The Borowitz Report)—The Alabama Senate voted on Tuesday to approve a measure that would virtually eliminate tourism to Alabama.
Greg Reed, the Senate Majority Leader, said that, if signed into law, the measure would achieve his fellow Republican senators’ long-standing goal of making tourism to Alabama “so rare as to be essentially nonexistent.”
“This is a great day for everyone in the state of Alabama who has worked so hard to wipe out the evil scourge of tourism,” he said.
The bill now goes to the desk of Governor Kay Ivey, who has been aggressively urged to sign it by anti-tourism activists.
“If Governor Ivey does the right thing and signs the bill, Alabama could start losing billions of dollars right away,” Reed said. “This will be the best thing to keep people from visiting Alabama since Roy Moore.”
5/13/19 Trump Urges Americans to Boycott Chinese Goods and Just Buy Things at Walmart
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asking for their solidarity in his trade war with China, Donald Trump is urging Americans to boycott Chinese goods and “just buy things at Walmart.”
Trump made his request via Twitter, where he told his fellow-citizens that it was their “patriotic duty” to punish China by buying as many goods at Walmart as possible.
“If you go to a GREAT AMERICAN STORE like Walmart, you’ll find lots of cheap sportswear, shoes, and other items for you and your family to enjoy,” he tweeted. “What better way to show China that we don’t need their DUMB STUFF!”
Shortly after Trump sent those marching orders to his countrymen, the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, offered a muted response. “I’m beginning to see how he lost a billion dollars,” Xi said.
5/6/19 Trump Furious That Another Baby Is Getting All The Attention
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump is reportedly “seething with envy” and “furious” that another baby is suddenly getting all the attention, White House aides have confirmed.
The aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Trump was “beside himself” after watching cable news cover a baby other than himself all Monday morning.
“He can’t understand why they are suddenly obsessed with this baby,” one aide said. “He thinks he should be the only baby that people are thinking about, and this new baby is driving him nuts.”
According to the aide, Trump even threatened to slap new tariffs on China in the hopes of stealing attention away from the baby, but to no avail.
“Honestly, I feel bad for him,” the aide said. “He’s used to being the youngest person, and now there’s someone younger.”
5/2/19 Barr Unable to Give Honest Answer to Drive-Thru Window at Arby’s
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr on Thursday proved unable to give honest answers to a drive-thru window at a Bethesda, Maryland, Arby’s restaurant.
Barr, who drove up to the window just after noon, appeared evasive and halting after the drive-thru attendant asked to take his order.
“I cannot recall what I would like to order at this time,” Barr said, according to the attendant.
When pressed repeatedly to name a sandwich, drink, or side order that he preferred, Barr stonewalled, the attendant said.
“The questions I was asking him couldn’t have been clearer,” the attendant told reporters. “I asked him if he wanted to order a Smokehouse Brisket sandwich. He refused to give me a yes-or-no answer.”
“I came away feeling that he had been less than candid,” the attendant said.
Speaking through an official spokesperson later in the day, Barr said that he would never appear at Arby’s again.
4/29/19 Americans Beg Trump for Secret to Staying So Young and Vibrant
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans across the country wish that Donald Trump would reveal his secret to staying so young and vibrant, the nation’s personal trainers have confirmed.
According to Tracy Klugian, a fitness professional in St. Louis, “not a day goes by” without one of his clients requesting a physical regimen that will give him or her the youthful appearance and mental sharpness that have made Trump the envy of millions.
“Clients will come in and say, ‘Make me as young and vibrant as Donald Trump,’ ” Klugian said. “I have to warn them that that’s setting the bar very, very high.”
Having analyzed Trump’s fitness habits, Klugian has theorized that his startling youthfulness and off-the-charts vibrance might be the result of eight hours that he devotes each day to “executive time.”
“Lifting the remote, putting it down, lifting it again, and then tweeting is an exercise routine that very few people could keep up for one hour, and Trump does it for eight,” he said. “I tell my clients, if you want to be as young and vibrant as Donald Trump, you’re going to have to put in that kind of time.”
Klugian said that he was also putting clients on a “Trump diet,” consisting entirely of hamburgers and Coke, to give their bodies the fuel necessary to complete the gruelling remote-lifting-and-tweeting workout.
But the personal trainer said that he urges his clients not to be discouraged if, even after adopting Trump’s rigorous exercise routine and diet, they fail to achieve Trump’s physical perfection.
“At the end of the day, Donald Trump has found the Fountain of Youth, and also the Fountain of Vibrance,” he said.
4/19/19 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media of Anti-Liar Bias
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the journalist April Ryan’s call for her to be fired, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said, on Friday, that she has been the victim of the media’s “widespread anti-liar bias.”
“From their obsession with fact-checking to their relentless attacks on falsehoods, the media have made no secret of their bias,” Sanders said. “It’s open season on liars in America.”
“This is media hypocrisy at its very worst,” she added. “The same journalists who advocate freedom of speech want to take that freedom away from anyone whose speech consists entirely of lies.”
“This is nothing more or less than a direct attack on the lying life style,” she said. “You take away my right to lie and you take away my ability to earn a living.”
Kellyanne Conway, the White House senior counsellor, spoke out in support of Sanders, telling reporters, “An attack on one liar is an attack on all liars.”
“Our country has seen some dark days, from the Bowling Green Massacre to the bugging of the White House microwave,” she said. “But this might be the darkest.”
4/17/19 Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—After putting in what one associate called a “hellish all-nighter,” the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller’s report in time for its release, on Thursday.
Earlier in the week, the U.S. Attorney General, William Barr, submitted the approximately four-hundred-page document to Putin for his approval, but the Russian President was reportedly “in a state of disbelief” over how much Barr had failed to redact.
Quickly assembling a crisis team at the Kremlin to implement further redactions, Putin told his associates, “Put some coffee on, boys—it’s going to be a long night.”
Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, he resents that the important task of obliterating damning evidence fell to him. “I have to do everything for these people,” he reportedly said.
4/15/19 Americans Fear That Former Trump Staffers Will Be Released Into Their Cities
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are in a state of abject panic amid reports that Donald J. Trump is threatening to dump thousands of fired Cabinet members and aides on cities that do not support him.
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Francisco, said that “every American should be alarmed” at the spectre of former Trump staffers like Kirstjen Nielsen, Scott Pruitt, and Anthony Scaramucci descending on their towns.
“A lot of these people were unsavory to begin with, and their time at the White House only hardened them,” he said.
Carol Foyler, who resides in Boston, said that, with Trump staffers being fired at a rate of four hundred a day, she lives in terror at the prospect of these castoffs melting into the general population.
“I was on line at Starbucks the other day and I thought I saw Steve Bannon,” she said. “It turned out it was just some other creepy-looking guy, but my heart was racing. The fear is real.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in Minneapolis, has started a petition to create a city ordinance preventing former Trump aides from settling in his town. “This city is full,” he said.
As they brace themselves for an onslaught of fired Trump underlings, some Americans are grasping for a silver lining. “As of now, Stephen Miller and Sarah Huckabee Sanders are still employed at the White House, where their movements can be closely monitored,” Foyler said. “But, it if that changes, God help us all.”
4/10/19 Trump Names Lori Loughlin Education Secretary
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The shakeup in the Trump Administration continued on Wednesday as Donald Trump named a fellow television personality, Lori Loughlin, to be the new Secretary of Education.
In making the announcement, Trump praised Loughlin for her “disruptive approach” to college admissions and expressed hope that she could bring the same brand of innovative thinking to the Department of Education.
He brushed aside reporters’ questions about the means by which Loughlin obtained college placements for her two daughters. “No one here has a problem with that,” he said. “I know Jared doesn’t.”
The outgoing Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, said that she was grateful to have served in the Cabinet and that she would continue to work toward eviscerating American schools as a private citizen.
4/8/19 Redaction of Mueller Report Halted as Barr Passes Out from Sharpie Fumes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The redaction of the Mueller report stalled on Monday after the Attorney General, William Barr, passed out from inhaling fumes from multiple Sharpie markers.
Barr, who had been working around the clock to redact the report before its release, reportedly lost consciousness while trying to black out a seventy-four-page section detailing Donald Trump, Jr.,’s contacts with more than three dozen Russian individuals.
“You cannot use that many Sharpies, for hours on end, without proper ventilation,” a Justice Department staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “This was a disaster waiting to happen.”
The insentient Barr was rushed to Walter Reed medical center, where a grim-faced hospital spokesperson described his condition as “Ben Carson–like.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, offered a more upbeat assessment. “We expect Attorney General Barr to make a swift and full recovery, so that he can get to work on the President’s taxes,” she said.
4/3/19 Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany.
“Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say to the German people, alleging that his father was born here is by far the most hurtful,” she said. “He must take it back at once.”
Merkel said that Germany would consider breaking off diplomatic relations with the U.S. immediately if Trump did not acknowledge “that his father was born somewhere else.”
Despite widely available evidence that Trump’s father, Fred Trump, was born in the Bronx, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stuck by Trump’s story on Tuesday afternoon. “The President is proud that his father was born in a great foreign country like Germany, and not in a bad foreign country like Puerto Rico,” she said.
4/1/19 “Fox & Friends” Blames Obama for Creating Additional Mexicos
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After praising Donald J. Trump, on Sunday, for cutting aid to “three Mexican countries,” the cast of “Fox & Friends” blamed former President Barack Obama for creating additional Mexicos during his tenure in the White House.
“When Barack Obama took office, there was only one Mexico,” the host Ed Henry said. “He allowed these additional Mexicos to develop.”
Henry’s co-host Jedediah Bila agreed that the problem of multiple Mexicos was Obama’s fault. “It was bad enough having one Mexico without Obama going out and creating a bunch of new ones,” she said, noting that there had been a three-hundred-per-cent increase in the number of Mexicos on Obama’s watch.
The third host, Pete Hegseth, praised Trump for doing everything in his power to “reduce the number of Obama’s Mexicos.”
“Everyone agrees that there are way too many Mexicos right now,” he said.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that, after watching “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was committed to finding out “just how many Mexicos there are,” and that he had put the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, in charge of counting them.
3/26/19 WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.
The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.
“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”
To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”
“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.
The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.
Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.
3/15/19 Beto O’Rourke Rocked by Scandal as High-School Mixtape Appears to Include REO Speedwagon
By Andy Borowitz10:36 A.M.
Photograph by Sarah L. Voisin / The Washington Post / Getty
IOWA CITY, IOWA (The Borowitz Report)—The nascent Presidential campaign of Beto O’Rourke took a serious hit on Friday with the leak of a high-school-era mixtape by the candidate that included a song by REO Speedwagon.
The mixtape, which prominently featured the song “Keep on Loving You,” sent shockwaves through the O’Rourke campaign, forcing the candidate to address the controversy on the hustings.
“In my youth, I put a song on a mixtape that I deeply regret adding,” O’Rourke told a stunned crowd at an Iowa City diner. “REO Speedwagon does not represent who I am.”
The Democratic strategist Tracy Klugian cautioned that O’Rourke’s apology might not have put the mixtape scandal to rest.
“If that’s the only tape out there, then Beto moves on from this,” he said. “But if a mixtape comes out with Air Supply on it, he’s done.”
3/14/19 Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math.
The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work on some fun math problems together.”
“Let’s say it’ll cost Amber seventy-five thousand dollars to get into Stanford, and it’ll cost her twin brother Dylan seventy-five thousand to get into Georgetown,” she said. “How much money total will their parents have to wire?”
“Or let’s say Jenna has a 470 verbal score, but she needs a 730 to get into Yale,” DeVos said. “How much will she have to pay to get her score changed?”
DeVos said that, as regrettable as the criminal charges against the parents in the bribery scandal were, the arrests themselves provided a teachable moment. “Lori Loughlin posted a million dollars in bail, and Felicity Huffman posted two hundred fifty thousand,” she said. “How much bail did Lori and Felicity post?”
3/9/19 God Offers People of Alabama New Bibles to Replace Ones Trump Signed
MONTGOMERY, Alabama (The Borowitz Report)—God has offered to give the people of Alabama brand new Bibles to replace the ones that Donald J. Trump signed during his visit to the state on Friday.
In a rare public statement from the famously mysterious deity, God said that He was furious at Trump “for defacing My book,” calling Trump’s signature “a wanton act of vandalism.”
“Where was Mike Pence in all of this?” God asked. “These people can’t do anything right.”
God added that He was “dumbfounded” that Trump had taken it upon himself to sign his name on a book to which he had “no relationship whatsoever.”
“I’ve got news for Trump: the Bible is not ‘The Art of the Deal,’ ” God said. “Of course, he didn’t write that book, either.”
3/6/19 Obama Demands to See Trump’s Elementary-School Diploma
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by demanding to see President Donald Trump’s elementary-school diploma.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, Obama called on Trump to prove “once and for all” that he had completed a K-through-five program.
“While the U.S. Constitution does not require the President to have graduated from fifth grade, it would still be nice to know that he had done so,” Obama said.
By insisting on the release of Trump’s diploma, Obama joined a growing movement of so-called schoolers, who contend that Trump never attended school.
Schoolers’ demands to see documentation of Trump’s elementary-school attendance have yet to sway the White House, which has released only a short version of Trump’s second-grade report card, with the grades completely redacted.
Obama revealed that he had hired forensic detectives to study Trump’s utterances and tweets to determine the extent of his verifiable schooling, but, so far, they had found “no proof” of a fifth-grade education.
“Donald Trump claims that he attended elementary school,” Obama said. “All I’m asking is, where’s the evidence?”
3/1/19 Trump Storms Out of McDonald’s After Failing to Close Six-Dollar Meal Deal
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Capping a singularly disastrous week for the Commander-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump stormed out of a Washington, D.C., McDonald’s restaurant on Friday after failing to close a six-dollar Meal Deal at the establishment.
At approximately 12:30 p.m., Trump took a break from his designated “executive time” to travel to the nearby McDonald’s, where he placed an order for a Meal Deal consisting of a Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries, Coke, and an apple pie.
Tracy Klugian, the McDonald’s employee who took Trump’s order, said that he was aware of Trump’s difficulty in closing deals and therefore hiked the price of the Meal Deal to twelve dollars.
“I really thought he would drive a harder bargain, what with ‘The Art of the Deal’ and all,” the McDonald’s staffer said. “I was kind of surprised when he just bailed.”
With the McDonald’s deal in tatters, one White House aide acknowledged that Trump “really needs a win right now,” and that he was en route to Arby’s.
This next report is in response to this part of Michael Cohen's opening statement on 2/27/19: "I am providing the Committee today with several documents. These include...Copies of letters I wrote at Mr. Trump's direction that threatened his high school, colleges, and the College Board not to release his grades or SAT scores."
2/28/19 Mueller Says He Has Obtained Trump’s SAT Scores
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel’s office has obtained Donald J. Trump’s long-suppressed SAT scores, Robert Mueller confirmed on Thursday.
After the SAT results were retrieved, a forensics lab examined the microscopic scores and positively identified them as Trump’s, the special counsel explained.
Mueller said that he did not seek Trump’s SAT scores because he thought that they would have any bearing on his investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 election. “My team has been putting in long hours and working very, very hard,” he said. “I just thought they deserved a good laugh.”
Although he refused to divulge Trump’s exact SAT scores, Mueller hinted that they did reflect well on Trump in one respect. “From these SATs, it’s evident that he did not cheat off anyone else’s paper,” he said.
2/23/19 Rosie O’Donnell Chosen to Read Audiobook of Mueller Report
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed on Saturday.
Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free. In fact, she offered to pay us to let her narrate it.”
Speaking to reporters, O’Donnell called the job of narrating Mueller’s report “the acting job of a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d get the chance to play so many twisted characters,” she said. “I mean, when else am I going to get to be both Ivanka and Jared? People are gonna freaking love listening to this in the car.”
She said that she fully expected Trump to be one of those listeners. “He’s not a big reader, that’s for sure,” she said. “And I think it’s best that he hear what’s in the report from me.”
2/20/19 Bezos Says Amazon Drones Ready to Deliver Mueller Report to Every American Household
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Amazon drones stand “ready and waiting” to deliver copies of Robert Mueller’s official report, free of charge, to every American household as early as next week, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, confirmed on Wednesday.
According to Bezos, Amazon has been planning the Mueller delivery mission for months, quietly building its drone fleet from a meagre two hundred to well over three million.
“Amazon will be doing same-day delivery of Mueller’s report the day it is released, free of charge, to both Prime and non-Prime households,” Bezos said. “This is our way of giving something back.”
News of the offer sent the Mueller report zooming to No. 1 on Amazon’s best-seller list within minutes.
According to the Amazon site, customers who shopped for the Mueller report also shopped for “Crime and Punishment,” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
2/19/19 Dukakis Announces 2020 Bid: “Everyone Else Is”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis announced on Tuesday morning that he would seek the Democratic nomination for President, declaring, “Everyone else is.”
Explaining his rationale for running, the 1988 Democratic Presidential nominee told reporters, “As everyone else started jumping into the race, I started feeling a little left out.”
Additionally, Dukakis explained, “People have been stopping me on the street and saying that they thought I was already running. So, whatever.”
The former standard-bearer said that before he threw his hat in the ring he paid a courtesy call to the 1984 Democratic nominee, Walter Mondale, to see if he was planning to run.
“I wouldn’t get into the race if Walter was going to do it,” Dukakis said. “This could be his year.”
Mapping out his campaign strategy, Dukakis said that he hoped to offer himself as an alternative to the former senator Gary Hart, who also entered the race today.
2/14/19 Jeff Bezos Chooses Soon-to-Be Bankrupt Mar-a-Lago as New Amazon Headquarters
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that he expected the property to be “bankrupt and vacant within the next two years,” Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Thursday that the Mar-a-Lago club, in Palm Beach, Florida, would be the site of Amazon’s second headquarters.
Bezos said that Mar-a-Lago was chosen from a list of soon-to-be-bankrupt properties, including the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster, Trump Turnberry, and the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Baku, Azerbaijan.
The Amazon C.E.O. said that, after Amazon acquires Mar-a-Lago, the company will start working around the clock to remove the property’s hideous décor, which he fears could prove distracting to warehouse employees.
At Mar-a-Lago, a longtime employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, welcomed the Amazon move, stating, “This is one of the only places in the world where workplace conditions would improve if Amazon came in.”
Another Mar-a-Lago employee, raising a question shared by many others, asked, “Does this mean we’ll start getting paid?”
If the Mar-a-Lago deal goes through, it would mark the first appearance of books in that location, Amazon confirmed.
2/13/19 El Chapo Says He Is Victim of Phony Witch Hunt
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In his first interview since being found guilty on all counts in his U.S. trial, the Mexican drug lord Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán called himself the victim of a “phony witch hunt.”
The former cartel leader made his blistering comments in a phone call to the television program “Fox & Friends,” whose hosts appeared surprised that he had somehow gained access to a phone and was able to get through to them.
“It was a phony witch hunt,” El Chapo said, of his trial. “It was a phony, rigged witch hunt, and the charges against me were fake news and a disgrace.”
Questioned whether he had worked in concert with other drug lords to bring narcotics into the United States, El Chapo said, “There was no collusion. And there was no evidence of collusion, because there was no collusion.”
But the former drug kingpin reserved his harshest words for the F.B.I. and its former director James Comey.
“Lying and leaking Jim Comey is a showboat and a disaster,” he said.
Asked to give his impression of the American justice system, El Chapo said, “I think it’s very bad when someone like me, who is running a business and creating jobs and helping the economy, is harassed and treated unfairly. I think it’s a disgrace and, frankly, very sad.”
2/7/19 Republicans Blast Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Sour Expression During State of the Union Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s facial expression during the State of the Union address came under continued attack from Republicans on Thursday, with the former House Speaker John Boehner joining the chorus of disapproval.
“When I saw her with that pained expression on her face, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Boehner said. “It was like nothing I had ever seen before in my life.”
The former Speaker said that Ocasio-Cortez broke his “No. 1 rule” of reacting to a State of the Union speech: “No matter what the President is saying, be sure to look cheerful and upbeat at all times.”
“I didn’t always agree with what President Obama had to say over the years, but I always kept a smile on my face,” he said. “I think if the congresswoman went back and looked at video of me and my fellow-Republicans during the Obama speeches, she could learn a lot about maintaining a non-stop happy facial expression.”
Boehner said that he considered Ocasio-Cortez’s facial expressions “a rookie mistake” and offered her a piece of helpful advice. “Darlin’, take it from old man Boehner—you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar,” he chuckled.
2/5/19 Pence Begs Trump Not to Make Him Sit Next to Woman at State of the Union
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has begged Donald J. Trump not to make him sit next to a woman during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, sources confirmed on Monday.
According to those sources, an emotional Pence came close to breaking down in tears as he explained that being seated next to a woman other than his wife was a violation of his personal code of behavior.
Pence offered Trump a variety of solutions to the problem, including introducing a third chair between him and the woman where his wife, Karen Pence, could be seated for the duration of the speech, “to make sure that that woman doesn’t try anything.”
“Let Mother sit next to me, or let me sit on Mother’s lap, but don’t make me sit next to that woman alone,” Pence reportedly sobbed.
According to those with knowledge about the meeting, Trump was less than receptive to Pence’s impassioned plea. “God, Mike, you’re such a loser,” he reportedly said.
2/4/19 Americans Relieved to Learn That Trump Spends Sixty Per Cent of Time Not Using Powers as President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leak of Donald J. Trump’s official White House schedule has left millions of Americans deeply relieved that Trump spends approximately sixty per cent of each day not using his powers as President.
In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months.
“Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that affect the country has me in a state of mortal terror,” Carol Foyler, a resident of Minneapolis, said. “Just knowing that he’s spending sixty per cent of his time doing basically nothing makes me feel somewhat better.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Detroit, agreed that it was “great news that Trump is only President forty per cent of the time” but called on the entertainment industry to create more diverting programming that might distract Trump for a larger portion of his day. “It would be fantastic if we could push the sixty per cent of his day that he does nothing up to seventy or even eighty per cent,” he said. “Maybe someone could come up with a podcast that he could get into.”
But Tracy Klugian, a Baltimore resident, said that the leak of Trump’s schedule did little to allay her darkest fears. “Until I find out that he’s spending a hundred per cent of his time not being President, I won’t sleep at night,” she said.
2/1/19 Eris, Greek Goddess of Chaos, Confirms That She Wanted Trump to Be President
MT. OLYMPUS (The Borowitz Report)—Partially confirming Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s theory of divine intervention in the 2016 election, Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos, discord, and strife, revealed on Friday that she had wanted Donald J. Trump to be President.
Speaking from her temple on Mt. Olympus, the usually reclusive deity said that Trump was “far and away” her first choice to be President in 2016.
“I’d been following his career for years,” the goddess of disorder and ruin said. “The bankruptcies, the business failures. There was a lot for me to love.”
She complained that the media had given Vladimir Putin “way too much credit” for Trump’s ascent, asserting, “Who do you think made Putin President of Russia?”
Looking ahead to the 2020 election, Eris said that she was officially undecided about which candidate to back for President, but that she was leaning toward Howard Schultz. “What a shit show that would be,” she said.
There are tons of articles online about Trump coming out against Intelligence Officials.
1/20/19 Trump Comes Out Strongly Against Intelligence
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Using some of his harshest rhetoric in recent memory, President Donald J. Trump came out strongly against intelligence on Wednesday morning.
“I’ve listened to these people with so-called intelligence go on and on, and, quite frankly, it’s a waste of time,” he said. “I know a lot more than people with intelligence do.”
Trump added that he has stopped receiving intelligence briefings at the White House, arguing, “I can do my job without any intelligence whatsoever.”
He said that he has chosen, instead, to seek advice from his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and from his elder children, Ivanka, Eric, and Donald, Jr. “You won’t find a trace of intelligence in anything they say,” he boasted.
At a briefing for the White House press corps, the President’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that Trump’s war on intelligence was a new development. “Intelligence has never played a role in Donald Trump’s life,” she said.
Below is a report from 2014 relevant to weather the end of Jan 2019 in parts of the USA:
1/6/14 Polar Vortex Causes Hundreds of Injuries as People Making Snide Remarks About Climate Change Are Punched in Face
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—The so-called polar vortex caused hundreds of injuries across the Midwest today, as people who said “so much for global warming” and similar comments were punched in the face.
Authorities in several states said that residents who had made ignorant comments erroneously citing the brutally cold temperatures as proof that climate change did not exist were reporting a sharp increase in injuries to the face and head regions.
In an emergency room in St. Paul, Harland Dorrinson, forty-one, was waiting to be treated for bruising to the facial area after he made a crack about how the below-freezing temperatures meant that climate-change activists were full of shit.
“I’d just finished saying it and boom, out of nowhere someone punched me in the face,” he said. “This polar vortex is really dangerous.”
The meteorology professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, issued a safety warning to residents of the states hammered by the historic low temperatures: “If you are living within the range of the polar vortex and you have something idiotic to say about climate change, do not leave your house.”
1/28/19 In Ominous Development for Trump, Roger Stone Gets Mueller Tattoo
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a potentially worrisome development for the White House, Donald Trump’s longtime political adviser Roger Stone spent the weekend getting a tattoo of the special counsel, Robert Mueller, on his back.
Minutes after being released on bail, Stone was reportedly driven to a tattoo-removal specialist in Jersey City, who spent nine hours removing his notorious back tattoo of Richard Nixon to make room for the newly minted Mueller tat.
News of Stone’s Mueller tattoo sent a wave of panic through the White House, where top aides attempted to predict what the tattoo portended for Stone’s loyalty to Trump going forward.
For his part, Stone downplayed the significance of the tattoo as he stripped off his shirt to display it for reporters. “I will have no comment at this time, other than to say that Robert Mueller is a kind, fair, and extremely handsome man,” Stone said.
1/25/19 Trump Furious That F.B.I. Not Stopped by Shutdown
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald Trump told reporters on Friday morning that it was “a total disgrace” that the Federal Bureau of Investigation had apparently not been affected by the government shutdown.
Trump, who appeared agitated and was gripping his television remote as he spoke on the White House lawn, said that he had been under the impression that F.B.I. agents had been furloughed and were not going to work.
“You have people across the country, in national parks and places like that, who are not at work, and somehow the F.B.I. is working around the clock?” Trump said. “I think it’s a total disgrace. It’s a sick situation.”
Trump said that he would call an emergency meeting of his Cabinet to “get some answers” about why the F.B.I. was working during the shutdown.
“Let’s say you were trying to leave the country in a hurry with your family—would the F.B.I. be at the airport to stop you?” he asked. “What good is this shutdown, anyway?”
1/24/19 Dems Agree to Fund Wall and Reopen Government If Trump Leaves Country Forever
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever.
Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country.
Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.”
But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump.
Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations.
The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN.
“He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
1/23/19 Huge Coward Bans Courageous People from Military
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One of the nation’s most prominent cowards achieved his long-standing goal of banning courageous people from serving in the military, the coward confirmed on Tuesday.
The coward, who avoided serving in the military no fewer than five times, told reporters that he had specifically targeted courageous people “because they make people like me look bad.”
“I know what they’re up to—enlisting in the military so that people like me look like spineless losers,” the coward said. “Well, if they think they’re going to get away with bravely serving their country, they better think again.”
The coward said that he was “surprised, frankly” at the howls of outrage his banning of valiant people from the military had sparked.
“If someone had banned me from the military back in the sixties, I wouldn’t have had to get a phony note from a podiatrist,” he said.
1/22/19 Ann Coulter Demands to Deliver State of the Union Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In blistering remarks aimed at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Ann Coulter demanded on Tuesday that she be allowed to deliver the 2019 State of the Union address.
“Nancy Pelosi should stop playing politics with the State of the Union,” Coulter told reporters. “Tradition dictates that I deliver that speech next week, and I intend to do just that.”
The conservative pundit scoffed at congressional Democrats’ condition that she reopen the government before being able to deliver the State of the Union.
“Clearly, since becoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has let power go to her head,” Coulter said.
Coulter indicated that she would use the State of the Union to speak to the American people not only about the border wall but also about her plans for the economy, trade, and America’s role in NATO.
“The American people have put tremendous faith in me,” she said. “I am not about to let Nancy Pelosi stop me from doing the job I was elected to do.”
1/17/19 Trump Offers Pelosi $130,000 to Keep Quiet
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an indication that he has reached his breaking point with the Speaker of the House, Donald J. Trump is offering a hundred and thirty thousand dollars to keep Nancy Pelosi quiet, White House aides confirmed on Thursday.
According to those aides, Trump floated the idea of a six-figure payment to silence Pelosi during a closed-door meeting on Wednesday night, in which he asserted that he had done “a million of these deals.”
Trump’s effort to mute Pelosi faces a number of obstacles, however, including the fact that the person who has crafted such agreements for Trump in the past, Michael Cohen, is not available to perform such a service now.
Additionally, any agreement to silence Pelosi could face constitutional hurdles, since one of Pelosi’s principal duties as Speaker is to speak.
At the Capitol, Pelosi said that she would reject Trump’s proposed payment and added that she would offer him no money whatsoever to prevent him from delivering this year’s State of the Union address.
“I am asking for an hour of silence from Donald Trump, and you can’t put a price tag on that,” she said.
1/14/19 Study: Most Innocent People Need to Hire Thirty-Five Lawyers at Some Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Most people who are innocent of any crimes will still need to hire thirty-five lawyers at some point, a new study shows.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
1/10/19 Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.
Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night.
“I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said.
He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea.
“P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”
1/8/19 MSNBC to Air Obama’s 2004 Convention Speech During Trump’s Address to Nation
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—MSNBC will preëmpt Donald Trump’s national address on Tuesday night by airing Barack Obama’s keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, network officials have confirmed.
Harland Dorrinson, an MSNBC spokesperson, said that the network elected to air the Obama speech “in order to best serve our audience.”
“Based on the data gathered by our research department, the number of MSNBC viewers who were planning to watch the Trump speech was approximately zero,” Dorrinson said. “This seemed like a better way to go.”
Since the Obama speech has a running time of only sixteen minutes, MSNBC plans to air it “over and over” until Trump has finished talking, Dorrinson said. “We’ll air it all night if we have to,” he said.
The network spokesperson said that the White House had contacted MSNBC to argue that the network could not preëmpt a national address by Trump. “We had three words for them,” he said. “Yes, we can.”
1/7/19 Trump Offers to Station Pence at Border with Binoculars in Lieu of Wall
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected breakthrough that could end the government shutdown, President Donald Trump has backed down from his demand for a wall and offered instead to post Vice-President Mike Pence at the border with big binoculars.
According to the White House, Pence’s mission at the border will alternate between keeping an eye out for potential intruders and glaring menacingly into the distance.
At a press conference announcing the development, Pence appeared to embrace his new role as the nation’s first line of defense against illegal immigration.
“If anyone wants to sneak into the United States, why, lordy, they’ll have to get past Mike Pence first,” he said.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that stationing Pence at the border represented a concession on Trump’s part and claimed that the Vice-President was “just as good as a wall.”
“If anyone can take the place of an inanimate object, it’s Mike Pence,” she said.
1/5/19 Pelosi Says She Will Skip Trump and Negotiate Directly with Putin
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold gambit to end the government shutdown, the House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, said on Saturday that she would bypass Donald J. Trump and negotiate directly with the Russian President, Vladimir Putin.
“I owe it to the American people to bring this shutdown to the swiftest possible conclusion, and so I’m avoiding the middleman,” she said.
Pelosi, who is scheduled to board a plane to Moscow Saturday night, said that she had not informed Trump of her plans to deal directly with Putin. “Whatever,” she said.
In an official statement, Putin said that he welcomed Pelosi’s overture and shared her desire to end the shutdown. “At some point, I’d like to visit Yellowstone,” he said.