Reports below are listed in reverse chronological order.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Roy Moore’s defeat in Alabama’s special election means that the Texas senator Ted Cruz will easily retain his status as the most despised person in the United States Senate, congressional insiders confirmed on Wednesday.
According to those insiders, Cruz had been secretly hoping that Moore’s election would displace him from his unenviable position as the most vilified pariah in the upper chamber.
“Cruz was praying that, if Moore got in, that might change the daily conversation around here from ‘Who has to sit next to Ted?’ ” one Republican colleague said.
Cruz, whom colleagues deem even more insufferable than such other senatorial ass-clowns as Mitch McConnell and Tom Cotton, was reportedly “distraught” upon learning that Moore would not be joining him in the U.S. Senate.
“Ted was absolutely positive that Roy would have been more hated than he is,” one Senate colleague said. “But, to tell you the truth, it would have been close.”
GADSDEN, ALABAMA (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after his stunning defeat in Alabama’s special U.S. Senate election, the Republican candidate, Roy Moore, told reporters that he was planning to cheer himself up by “heading to the mall.”
“If people think they’ve seen the last of Roy Moore, they are sorely mistaken,” a visibly devastated Moore said. “I’m going to get back up, dust myself off, and head on over to the good ol’ Gadsden Mall.”
But Moore’s plans for a rejuvenating return to his former stomping grounds hit a snag upon his arrival at the mall, where he found an impromptu victory party for the Democrat, Doug Jones, in full swing.
Adding insult to injury, security guards who recognized Moore from his mall-prowling days nabbed the disgraced Republican and hurled him from the premises.
In Washington, one of Moore’s staunchest supporters, Donald J. Trump, excoriated the voters of Alabama for their decision. “It’s a sad day for America when people believe women,” he said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J.Trump slurred his speech during his announcement about Jerusalem on Wednesday because of “low-battery issues” with Vladimir Putin’s remote, the White House said on Friday.
Speaking to the White House press corps, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump’s slurred speech was “a case of what happens when President Putin doesn’t change the batteries in his remote frequently enough.”
“President Trump makes public appearances several times a day,” Sanders said. “In the course of those appearances, President Putin’s remote can drain its battery very quickly.”
Calling Putin’s remote-control operation of Trump “far from glitch-free,” Sanders said that there have also been problems with the Russian leader’s attempts to control Trump’s thumbs when he tweets in the early-morning hours.
“Sometimes President Putin has tried to operate President Trump’s thumbs and there has been the same low-battery issue,” she said. “This has resulted in random capital letters, misspellings, and, in some cases, gibberish.”
Sanders scolded the press for speculating that Trump’s slurred speech was the result of problems with dentures or his brain. “We are working with tech support to resolve the issue,” she said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a new poll conducted on Wednesday, a sweeping majority of Americans said they support moving Donald J. Trump to Jerusalem.
The sixty-three per cent of survey respondents who approved relocating Trump to Jerusalem placed few conditions on such a move, other than that it take place “as soon as possible” and that it be “permanent.”
In other poll results, an overwhelming majority of respondents said that they would support relocating Trump to any number of other foreign destinations, including Russia, the Philippines, and “that station where scientists live at the South Pole.”
Though Americans were strongly enthusiastic about moving Trump to Jerusalem, in a rare consensus both Arabs and Israelis vehemently opposed the move.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Several prominent Nazis said on Tuesday that they feel “neglected and hurt” by what they see as the Republican Party’s decision to court child molesters instead.
After the Republican National Committee agreed to fund the alleged child molester Roy Moore’s campaign for the United States Senate, aggrieved Nazis called the move a blatant attempt to pander to the child-molester vote.
“It seems like just last summer President Trump was saying what ‘fine people’ we were,” Heinz Dorrinson, an embittered Nazi from Mississippi, said. “Now it seems like all he can think about is his precious child molesters.”
Dorrinson warned that, in their frenzy to woo the child-molester vote, Republicans were playing a dangerous game by taking the Nazi vote for granted.
“President Trump needs to remember who put him in the White House,” Dorrinson said. “Nazis have feelings, too.”
In Washington, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, said that the battle between Nazis and child molesters for control of the Republican Party was largely an invention of the media.
“The Republican Party in 2017 is a place where both Nazis and child molesters can feel at home,” McConnell said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape.
Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself.
Additionally, Dowd said that comments widely thought to have been made by Trump indicating that he believed that Frederick Douglass was still alive were also Dowd’s handiwork.
“President Trump was about to say something about whether Frederick Douglass was alive or not, and I stepped in at that moment and said that he was,” Dowd said. “I stand by that statement.”
Dowd went on to say that other actions attributed to Trump since he took office, including alienating nato allies, stating that an imaginary armada was steaming toward North Korea, and naming Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director, were all actually done by Dowd.
“Let’s be clear,” Dowd said. “Since Donald Trump was elected President, he has done nothing.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The version of the tax bill that Republican senators voted for early Saturday morning included scribbles in the margins by Mitch McConnell’s grandchild, the Senate Majority Leader has confirmed.
The scribbles, which the two-year-old drew when his grandfather left a copy of the bill unattended during Thanksgiving, were mistaken by Republican staff members for the work of McConnell himself and were hurriedly incorporated into the bill.
McConnell struck a philosophical note when he disclosed to reporters that the random crayon squiggles were on the verge of becoming the law of the land. “Laws are like sausages—it’s better not to see them being made,” he chuckled.
The Congressional Budget Office estimated that the toddler’s scrawl would add one trillion dollars to the budget deficit and result in ten million Americans losing their homes, but said that the scribbles were the most coherent passage in the bill.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a unique accord, the billionaire Koch brothers and the National Rifle Association have reached a timeshare agreement over the ownership of House Speaker Paul Ryan, representatives of both parties have confirmed.
Speaking on behalf of the Kochs, Charles Koch said that he contacted the N.R.A.’s executive director, Wayne LaPierre, with the timeshare proposal “so that we could all get the maximum enjoyment out of owning Paul.”
The arrangement is intended to minimize conflicts between the Kochs and the gun group that have arisen in the past when both co-owners have wanted to use Ryan at the same time, Koch said.
“I said to Wayne, ‘This is craziness,’ ” he said. “’Let’s work something out where you get Paul half the year, and we’ll take him the other half.’”
Under the timeshare deal, the Kochs will have the exclusive use of Ryan during the months when tax cuts and environmental deregulation are put to a vote, while the N.R.A. will have him for the months when gun legislation is to be defeated.
Additionally, each co-owner is responsible for insuring that Ryan is well maintained and in good condition when the other’s period of using him commences.
Koch indicated that, if the timeshare agreement is a success, the two parties are likely to work out a similar deal for their longtime joint ownership of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has requested that Jesus Christ rapture him up before the special counsel Robert Mueller can indict him, a source close to Pence confirmed on Friday.
Shortly after the former national-security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the F.B.I., Pence contacted Jesus to discuss the early rapture proposal, the source said.
The source characterized Pence’s request to be raptured up as “urgent” but did not indicate whether the Vice-President asked Jesus to rapture up any other senior Administration officials.
“Some of these people will have to be left behind, for obvious reasons,” the source said. “Jared, for example.”
After the news of Pence’s conversation with Jesus leaked to the press, the Vice-President released an official statement, intended to tamp down speculation about his rapture request.
“I had a good conversation with Jesus Christ earlier in the day,” the statement read. “We touched on the timetable of my rapturing-up, along with a broad range of other issues. That is all I have to say at the present time.”
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un is concerned that his long-standing plan to destroy the United States has been made totally irrelevant by the Republican tax bill moving through the Senate, a source close to the North Korean dictator said on Friday.
The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Kim fears that his scheme to turn the United States into an uninhabitable hellhole has been to a large extent upstaged by a similar proposal from congressional Republicans.
“You have to understand, destroying America is something that Kim and his family have been plotting for decades,” the source said. “To see the Republicans swoop in at the last second and basically steal that idea—it’s got to hurt.”
According to the source, Kim has been watching C-span non-stop, praying that the Republicans’ plan to end life as Americans know it might come undone at the last moment, but he is “not getting his hopes up.”
“After having such a wonderful missile test, he should be on top of the world this week,” the source said. “Instead, he’s afraid that all his hard work has been for nothing. He now understands why so many Americans despise the Republicans.”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after Donald J. Trump mistakenly sent an angry tweet intended for the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, to a random woman named Theresa May Scrivener with only six Twitter followers, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, offered a vigorous defense of his action.
“The President may have attacked the wrong Theresa, but all Theresas represent a real threat,” Sanders said.
Doubling down on the new White House policy against women named Theresa, Sanders said that attacking women with the same first name as the British Prime Minister “sends her a powerful message.”
“If you attack every woman named Theresa, you are obviously including Theresa May in that,” Sanders told the press corps. “Why is this so hard for you people to understand?”
Sanders said that Trump’s war on Theresas would extend to women who spell their name “Teresa,” including Teresa Giudice, a cast member of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and Mother Teresa, the late Catholic nun and missionary.
“He is taking the threat of Theresas very seriously,” she said. “It will be handled.”
While Sanders put the best face on Trump’s decision to send an angry tweet to the wrong Theresa, behind the scenes White House officials were scrambling to make sure that he had imposed sanctions on the right Korea.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s use of the name “Pocahontas” at a White House event honoring Navajo veterans was not a racial slur, a prominent white expert said on Monday.
“If some Native Americans were offended by the use of this term, I’m sorry that they’re so wrong,” the expert said. “As a white person, I think I’m in a better position to know about this stuff.”
She also defended the decision to honor the Navajo veterans near a portrait of Andrew Jackson, who is widely reviled by Native Americans. “Before we held the ceremony, we consulted with a number of other white experts, and we all agreed that Andrew Jackson was great,” she said.
At times, the white expert seemed exasperated at having to explain to Native Americans what was a racial slur and what was not. “Look, I can explain it to them, but it’s real time-consuming, and I have a lot of other stuff to do,” she said.
In closing, the Caucasian said that accusing Trump of intentionally offending the Navajos was absurd. “No one knows more about offending people than Donald Trump,” she said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Casting further doubt on the authenticity of his notorious “Access Hollywood” tape, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that the voice on the tape was actually that of Hillary Clinton, imitating him.
“That’s not me on the tape,” he said. “That’s Hillary faking like she is me.”
Trump said that he had a theory to explain how Clinton came up with the infamous “locker-room talk” that appeared on the tape. “It’s so obvious that Bill came up with that,” he said.
Trump added that if the special counsel, Robert Mueller, has any recordings of Trump associates, such as Paul Manafort or Michael Flynn, colluding with Russians, those voices will “probably turn out to belong to Crooked Hillary also.”
“In addition to being evil, Hillary Clinton is a woman of a thousand voices,” he said.
HARARE, Zimbabwe (The Borowitz Report)—Unimpressed by President Donald Trump’s sudden backtracking on his proposed elephant-trophy ban, elephants from Zimbabwe and Zambia released a scathing official statement on Saturday, ominously warning Trump, “We don’t forget.”
The blistering statement from the elephants reflected the pachyderms’ contempt not just for Trump but for his two sons, Eric and Donald, Jr., who are widely despised by the elephant community.
“The decision to lift the trophy ban reeks of political expediency as it worst,” the elephants’ statement read.
The elephants also sent a strongly worded legal letter to the Republican National Committee, demanding that the G.O.P. immediately cease and desist using the elephants’ likenesses in Republican fund-raising appeals and all other materials.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Jubilant Trump voters on Thursday celebrated the prospect of a gigantic tax cut that will benefit everyone but them.
Across the country, Trump supporters were overjoyed that, after months of gridlock and wrangling, the man they voted for was about to make Americans other than them wildly richer.
“President Trump has taken a lot of hits from the fake-news media, but he stood his ground,” Carol Foyler, a Trump voter in Ohio, said. “Today he honored his pledge to the American people, except for me and anybody I know.”
Harland Dorrinson, a Trump supporter from Kentucky, agreed. “When I cast my vote last November, I said to myself, ‘I sure hope this means that people with a thousand times more money than I have get even more money,’ ” he said. “Promise kept.”
Tracy Klugian, a Trump voter from Minnesota, said that tax cuts for everyone but him are an important step toward making America great again. “Look at the stock market—it’s been going through the roof,” Klugian, who has no money in the stock market, said.
But some Trump supporters, like Calvin Denoit, of Texas, were more muted. “Tax cuts that completely exclude me and my family are a good start,” he said. “But, until President Trump eliminates all environmental and safety regulations for corporations that I have zero stake in, I won’t be satisfied.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Breaking his silence on Alabama’s embattled Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, Donald Trump warned on Wednesday that dumping Roy Moore could start a “dangerous trend” of believing women.
“I think we need to be very, very careful here,” Trump told reporters. “This is not just about Roy Moore. This is about our country deciding that we are going to start believing women, something that we have never done before.
“This is a very dangerous road we’re heading down,” he said.
Trump cautioned that, if instituted, a new practice of believing women would “totally destroy” the system that the country already has in place. “For years we’ve had a system of believing men,” he said. “It’s worked very well. It’s done a great job.”
He said that he was considering a number of measures to stem the tide of women’s credibility, including an executive order banning women from giving believable accounts to the press. “That’s something we’re looking into,” he indicated.
Trump painted a doomsday scenario of what might happen if the “very bad trend” of believing women gained traction in the country. “If people believe Roy Moore’s five accusers, what happens to a man who has, say, about twenty accusers?” he asked. “I don’t like where this is going.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Eric Trump has asked his father, Donald Trump, if he can have his brother Donald, Jr.,’s room, Eric Trump confirmed on Monday night.
“Don, Jr., got this ginormous room, and I got a crappy little one,” Eric Trump said. “Don, Jr., got to work in the real-estate company, and I got stuck with the winery. But all that’s about to change.”
Eric Trump said that, although his father had not yet responded to his request, he was optimistic that his wish would be granted. “It looks like Don, Jr., might not be needing his room for quite some time,” he said, barely suppressing a grin.
He added that he had not discussed the future of Donald, Jr.,’s room with his brother. “I’ve had to put up with Don, Jr.,’s bullshit my entire life,” he said. “Don, Jr., this, Don, Jr., that. Don, Jr., is the king of all he surveys. Seriously, Don, Jr., can suck it. I’m getting his room.”
Asked if he had a message for his brother, Eric Trump paused for a moment and said, “Yes. I’ve waited my whole life for this moment. And you know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served after you’ve waited your whole life for this moment.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller announced on Saturday that he was closing the Justice Department’s Russia investigation, “effective immediately,” after hearing that President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, said he was innocent of any election meddling.
Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe.
“Vladimir Putin says he did nothing,” Mueller told his staff. “That’s good enough for me.”
Speaking later to reporters, Mueller said that, by disbanding his investigation, he was following the time-honored law-enforcement tradition of taking a suspect’s word for it.
“For the past several months, we’ve assembled tax records, cell-phone recordings, bank transfers, and e-mail communications that indicated Russia was involved in the election,” a visibly shaken Mueller said. “Somehow, we got it wrong—very, very wrong.”
As for his future plans, Mueller said that his first order of business was to write a hearfelt letter of apology to Putin.
“I feel terrible knowing that I’ve spent all this time investigating a person who did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have called him first and asked him what really happened.”
11/8/17 Virginia and New Jersey Elect Governors Totally Lacking Reality-Show Experience
VIRGINIA AND NEW JERSEY (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing caution to the wind, voters in Virginia and New Jersey on Tuesday night overturned the political applecart and chose as their new governors two men with no reality-show experience whatsoever.
Republican officials were staggered by the voters’ decision because, historically, reality shows have been a reliable proving ground for the nation’s finest leaders.
Ronna Romney McDaniel, the chairwoman of the Republican National Committee, said that the voters’ risky bet on two men who had never set foot on a reality-show stage showed that the electorate was acting “emotionally and not rationally.”
“You look at the résumés of these two men and you won’t find ‘Survivor,’ you won’t find ‘Big Brother,’ you won’t find ‘The Bachelor,’ ” she said. “What we have are two individuals who are, to put it mildly, unfit for office.”
“This is not normal,” she said.
She gave both winning candidates credit for tapping into the angry voters’ anti-reality-show mood, but she warned, “Once these two have been in office, I think voters will start longing for someone who had at least won an immunity idol or swallowed a live caterpillar.”
11/7/17 11/7/17 Poll: Trump Accomplishing Little in Final Year as President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has accomplished little or nothing in his final year as President, a new poll finds.
According to the poll, a majority of Americans believe that Trump has made no progress on the economy, terrorism, or other key issues in his Presidency’s dwindling final days.
More troubling for Trump, the poll shows that Americans have lost confidence in his ability to salvage his Presidency before his imminent departure from the White House.
Davis Logsdon, a history professor at the University of Minnesota, said that Trump’s failure to accomplish anything of substance during his last year in office is a problem that has plagued other lame-duck Presidents.
“Trump is desperate for a legislative victory to prove that his final year as President was not a total disaster,” Logsdon said. “But with so few days, or possibly hours, remaining, it’s hard to see that happening.”
11/6/17 Russians Involved in Trump Campaign Hold Reunion
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Marking the one-year anniversary of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election, Russians who played key roles in the Trump campaign gathered for a reunion in Moscow’s Red Square.
The reunion gave hundreds of thousands of Russians an opportunity to celebrate and share warm memories of their successful 2016 effort.
Alexey Zholtovsky, a computer specialist who set up over ten thousand separate troll accounts on social-media sites to benefit the Republican nominee, called the reunion a chance for Russians who worked on the Trump campaign to finally meet each other face to face.
“A lot of these people were just electronic funds transfers to me before today,” he said.
Vasilisa Lokhvitskaya, an intelligence analyst with close ties to the Kremlin, said that she “very much enjoyed getting to know” Donald Trump, Jr., Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, and George Papadopoulos over the course of many meetings to discuss the campaign.
“They were all such fantastic guys,” she said. “So available, so accessible. It was never hard getting in touch with them. Those were the days!”
However, she said that she was baffled by reports coming out of the White House in recent days indicating that Papadopoulos had played a peripheral role in the campaign. “There are, what, maybe three hundred thousand people here at this reunion?” she said. “We all met with George.”
11/5/17 White House Claims Flynn’s Job Was to Make Coffee When Papadopoulos Was Busy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House called an unscheduled press briefing on Sunday to clarify Michael T. Flynn’s role in the Trump campaign, claiming that his job consisted entirely of making coffee when George Papadopoulos was busy with other matters.
“Sometimes, we would ask for coffee and George was otherwise occupied,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said. “At that point, Michael Flynn would step in and make that coffee.”
When asked what role Flynn’s son, Michael G. Flynn, played in the campaign, Sanders indicated that he, too, was involved in coffee-making to the exclusion of all other responsibilities.
“There were many times when the two Flynns would make coffee together,” she said. “The father would actually make the coffee, and the son would add the creamer, sweetener, and whatnot.”
Sanders said that, in the weeks to come, the White House is likely to release the names of additional campaign staffers whose roles were limited to the preparation of coffee beverages, and that such names might include Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr.
“This was a campaign that drank a great deal of coffee,” she explained.
11/2/17 Poll: Americans Were Sort of Hoping Mueller Would Arrest Someone New Every Day
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After a memorable Monday, in which the special counsel announced criminal charges against three men associated with Donald Trump’s campaign, millions of Americans were sort of hoping that Robert Mueller would arrest someone new every day, a new poll indicates.
According to the poll, Monday’s news that Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos had been charged may have unfairly raised Americans’ expectations that Mueller would be generating new arrests at the rate of at least three a day.
“Monday was one of the happiest days of my life,” one poll respondent said. “It started out great with Manafort and Gates, and then, bam, out of nowhere, Papadopoulos. I guess I started hoping all days would be like that.”
Although Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr., continue to be Americans’ most popular picks for the person Mueller arrests next, the poll suggests that, at this point, the indictment-starved public would be willing to settle for a lesser-known figure.
“It doesn’t have to be someone I’ve heard of, like Ivanka or Pence,” one poll respondent said. “I’d be happy with Michael Flynn’s son, and I’m not even clear what he did in all of this.”
Perhaps in response to the poll results, Mueller on Thursday issued the following official statement: “I understand people’s eagerness for more arrests, but all I can say is that if they’re patient we have some new ones coming up that are just amazing.”
11/1/17 Trump Accuses Clinton of Deliberately Losing Election So He Could Be Impeached
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what might be his most startling allegation against his former election opponent, Donald Trump on Wednesday accused Hillary Clinton of deliberately losing the 2016 election just so that he could be impeached.
“How could one of the most experienced politicians in history lose to the most unfit candidate ever?” Trump asked reporters. “Crooked Hillary lost on purpose because she wanted me to be impeached.”
Explaining Clinton’s motives for intentionally sabotaging her quest for an office she had coveted for decades, Trump said, “Hillary Clinton is more than a nasty woman. She is an evil woman, and her sick mind is capable of anything.”
Trump said that instead of reporting the “fake story” of his campaign’s collusion with the Russians, the media should focus on Clinton’s “diabolical scheme to lose the election.”
“I don’t know if Hillary Clinton lost the election on her own,” Trump said. “Maybe she asked the Russians to help her lose. But the fact is, Hillary Clinton deliberately plotted to put me in the White House, and the American people should be very angry about that.”
10/31/17 Fox to Offer Twenty-Four-Hour Coverage of Bill Clinton’s Impeachment
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a story “too hot for the other cable-news networks to handle,” Fox News Channel announced on Tuesday that it would begin airing twenty-four-hour coverage of Bill Clinton’s 1998–99 impeachment.
Fox anchor Sean Hannity announced the programming change, telling viewers that Fox would devote all its resources to reporting the Clinton impeachment to the exclusion of all other news stories.
“This story has everything: sex, lies, and misdeeds at the highest levels of our government,” Hannity said. “We are planning to flood the zone to bring it to you.”
Calling it “the story Bill and Hillary Clinton don’t want you to hear,” Hannity said Fox would be unstinting in its effort to get to the bottom of the impeachment.
“For years, this hushed-up chapter of our history has been shrouded in silence,” Hannity said. “That silence ends today.”
10/30/17 Trump Unsure Who This Manafort Person Is
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asked to comment on the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, Donald Trump told reporters that he was not sure “who this Manafort person is.”
“There’s been a lot of talk about this guy, Peter Manafort, or whoever, this morning,” Trump said. “The name doesn’t really ring a bell with me. I’ll have to have someone Google him and figure out exactly who he’s supposed to be.”
When reporters pointed out that Manafort had been his campaign chairman in 2016, Trump responded angrily. “I just told you I never heard of him,” he said. “What’s his name again? I can’t even remember his name. That’s proof.”
Before bringing his conversation with reporters to an abrupt close, Trump offered a theory of who Manafort might be. “You’re telling me he ran a campaign,” Trump said. “If he ran anybody’s campaign, it was Hillary’s.”
On Capitol Hill, Trump’s Republican defenders seized on his denial and called for immediate hearings to determine possible links between Hillary Clinton and Paul Manafort.
“What’s becoming crystal clear is that, while pretending to be Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort was actually Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman,” Representative Trey Gowdy, of South Carolina, said. “That’s the real story here.”
10/30/17: Millions Disappointed It Wasn’t Jared
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the general jubilation over the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, millions of Americans reported extreme disappointment that the first person arrested from Robert Mueller’s Russia probe was not Jared Kushner. Across the country, downcast Americans commiserated over the news that their choice for Mueller’s first indictment had been overlooked.
“I know it makes me sound petty, since today is a day of national celebration,” Harland Dorrinson, who had been holding a Kushner-arrest-watch party in suburban Toledo, said. “But for a lot of us who had had our hopes set on Jared, today is bittersweet.”
Tracy Klugian, who watched news of Manafort’s arrest from her home in San Jose, agreed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that Manafort’s being brought in,” she said. “But he’s no Jared.”
Davis Logsdon, a clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said that he is counselling patients who are dealing with the “severe emotional letdown” of the first person arrested not being Jared.
“I’m urging them to see this disappointment as an opportunity for growth,” Logsdon said. “It’s true that none of the first three arrests was Jared, but we have to live with that reality. And, perhaps, if we are patient, the fourth, fifth, or even fiftieth arrest will be Jared.”
10/28/17: Excited Crowd Outside Mueller’s Office Awaits First Arrest
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands has gathered outside the office of Robert Mueller in eager anticipation of the special counsel’s first arrest in the Russia probe.
Minutes after news was leaked that charges had been filed, Americans from across the country descended on Mueller’s office to witness firsthand what many called the beginning of the end of the nightmare.
“I can’t believe this day has finally come,” Carol Foyler, who drove from North Carolina, said. “My husband is having surgery today, but I didn’t want to miss this.”
Although the gathering has been largely peaceful, isolated arguments have erupted over which member of Trump’s circle the attendees would like Mueller to arrest first.
A faction shouting “Don, Jr.” started pushing and shoving another group chanting “Jared” before police intervened.
One policeman said that law enforcement had been flabbergasted by the size of the crowd, which could reach a million. “We definitely didn’t see anything like this at the Inauguration,” he said.
10/25/17 Trump Signs New Travel Ban Preventing Republican Senators from Fleeing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an emergency travel ban preventing Republicans from fleeing the United States Senate.
In a sombre Oval Office ceremony, a grim-faced Trump signed the ban, which he said would remain in effect “until we figure out what the hell is going on.”
The executive order calls for the relocation of three hundred Border Patrol officers from the Mexican border to Washington, D.C., in order to form what Trump called “a human ring of steel” around the Capitol Building.
Under the travel ban, Republican senators will be permitted to leave their seats in the Senate chamber for meals and bathroom breaks but will be strictly forbidden from speaking to journalists in the building’s corridors.
Susan Collins, of Maine, one of the Republicans affected by the ban, called attention to the growing humanitarian crisis inside the Capitol. “If you have a shred of decency, Mr. President, let us leave the Senate,” Collins said. “Let us follow our dream of a better life.”
In retaliation, Trump reportedly told Border Patrol agents that if Collins is caught trying to escape she should be returned to the Senate and forced to sit next to Ted Cruz.
10/24/17 Trump Cancels Entire Schedule to Focus on Choosing Insulting Nickname for Bob Corker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump cancelled his entire schedule on Tuesday to focus all his energy on choosing an insulting nickname for the Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, aides have confirmed.
Trump rejected his first attempt at a demeaning moniker for the senator, “liddle’ Bob Corker,” because he felt that he had used the “liddle’ ” construction too much in the past and feared that it was getting old.
“The President has very high standards for the insulting nicknames he uses,” an aide explained. “He was not about to settle for ‘liddle’.’ ” Trump thought he had a winner when he came up with “Corker the Porker,” until aides pointed out that the Republican senator from Tennessee has an average physique, to which such an insult would not accurately apply.
At midday, Trump was reportedly “very excited” by the idea of calling the Tennesseean “Bob Mothercorker,” until his daughter Ivanka begged him not to do so.
Trump’s task was compounded later in the day, when it became clear that he would also have to figure out an insulting name for Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona. “All he keeps coming up with is ‘Jeff Flake,’ ” an aide said.
10/23/17 Trump Says He Is Only President in History with Courage to Stand Up to War Widows
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Calling himself “unbelievably brave,” Donald Trump said on Monday that he is the only President in U.S. history with the courage to stand up to war widows.
“You look at guys like Obama and Clinton and the Bushes, when it came to war widows, they all blinked,” he said. “For years, we weren’t winning at widows.”
In contrast, Trump said, he has made defeating war widows one of his top priorities as President. “Forget about Iran and China and Little Rocket Man,” he said. “This country has been pushed around by war widows for far too long.”
Trump said that Senator John McCain, who has mocked the President’s draft-dodging during Vietnam, has “never shown an ounce of courage when it comes to fighting war widows.”
“McCain can talk about what he did in Vietnam all he wants,” Trump said. “But the guys who have gone toe to toe with a war widow, contradicted her version of events, and refused to back down—we are the true heroes.”
10/20/17 White House Says It Is Unpatriotic to Offer Irrefutable Video Evidence That a General Lied
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring defense of Donald Trump’s chief of staff, General John Kelly, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Friday that it was “unpatriotic in the extreme” to offer irrefutable video proof that a four-star general lied.
“It is unpatriotic enough to accuse a four-star general of lying,” Sanders told the White House press corps. “But to make available a video that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that that general lied is unpatriotic bordering on treasonous.”
Warming to her subject, Sanders said that any American who sees undeniable video evidence that a general lied and chooses to believe the video “shows disrespect for our country and hatred for our flag.”
“General Kelly has served our country with courage and valor,” she said. “He has earned the right to lie without fear of being contradicted by the facts.”
Minutes after Sanders concluded her remarks, Kelly also received a vote of confidence from Trump, who called his chief of staff “a good liar, for a beginner.”
10/17/17 Obama Begins Calling American People to Console Them About Trump Being President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has started calling every person in America to offer consolation about Donald Trump being President, Obama has confirmed.
“It’s something I meant to do right after the Inauguration,” Obama said, during a brief break from the phone calls. “I feel terrible that I didn’t get to it sooner.”
The former President said that, although the phone calls are a small gesture, he felt that he had to do whatever he could to extend his sympathy about Trump being President.
“There’s a lot of pain out there that a phone call from me can never fix,” he said. “Still, I want people to know that I care.”
Carol Foyler, who has been grieving since Trump was elected, last November, said that receiving a call from Obama on Monday “meant a lot.”
“The fact that he took the time to call me, when he had three hundred million more people left to call, is something I’ll never forget,” she said.
10/15/17 Trump Accepts Larry Flynt’s Ten-Million-Dollar Offer for Information Leading to His Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just minutes after the publisher Larry Flynt offered ten million dollars in exchange for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment, Trump contacted Flynt and said that he would gladly provide the information himself in exchange for the cash.
According to Flynt, shortly after their phone conversation Trump sent him a voluminous number of e-mails, phone records, and other evidence of impeachable offenses, after which Flynt wired ten million dollars to Trump’s Swiss bank account.
“That was a lot easier than I thought it would be, to be honest,” Flynt told reporters.
The swift denouement to Trump’s tenure in the White House raised more than a few eyebrows in Washington, with some insiders wondering if Trump’s eagerness to accept the ten-million-dollar payment indicated that his net worth was considerably smaller than he had professed.
Robert Mueller, the independent counsel investigating Trump’s ties to Russia, expressed some sadness that he was not able to bring his probe to a conclusion. “I don’t know what evidence Trump had against himself, but I guarantee you I had more,” he said.
Meanwhile, the success of Flynt’s cash offer appears to have only emboldened the publisher, who announced that he is now offering twenty million dollars for information leading to the impeachment of Mike Pence.
10/13/17 Trump Says I.Q. “Even Higher” Now That He Knows Virgin Islands Are Part of U.S.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Friday that his I.Q. is “even higher” now that he knows that the United States Virgin Islands are part of the United States.
“Quite frankly, a few weeks ago, when I learned that Puerto Rico was a part of the U.S., I thought that that boosted my I.Q. to a whole new level,” Trump said. “Now that I also know about the Virgin Islands, my number must be off the charts.”
He said that he was eager to retake his I.Q. test because of “all the amazing things I learned this week.”
“For example, I just learned that the stock market can’t reduce the national debt,” he said. “If there was a question about that on an I.Q. test, I would nail that question.”
Trump said that his one concern was that an I.Q. test does not exist that can accurately measure his ballooning intelligence.
“I always knew that I was scary smart, but now I think my brain is terrifying,” he said.
10/10/17 Trump Knocked Out in First Round of White House I.Q.-Test Tournament After Losing to Betsy DeVos
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an I.Q.-test tournament devised by Donald Trump to determine the smartest person in his Administration, Trump suffered a humiliating defeat on Tuesday, getting knocked out in the first round by Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.
Trump had personally created the brackets for the tournament, which he had hoped would lead to an I.Q.-championship showdown between him and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
“He was determined to face Betsy in the first round,” a White House source said of Trump. “He thought it would be like a bye week.”
Trump was stung by DeVos’s upset win, however, and lashed out at the I.Q. test itself, calling it both “fake” and “rigged,” according to the source.
“It had been a while since he had taken an I.Q. test,” the source said. “He had forgotten there was a spelling section.”
Elsewhere in the I.Q. tournament, other members of the Trump family were knocked out in the first round as well, with Ivanka Trump falling to Vice-President Mike Pence; Donald Trump, Jr., losing to Trump’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders; and Jared Kushner reportedly suffering a lopsided defeat at the hands of Secretary of Energy Rick Perry.
Trump’s son Eric did not participate in the tournament. “That would have been cruel,” the source said.
10/9/17 Poll: Americans Hope Trump Follows Pence’s Example and Leaves Early
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A poll taken after Vice-President Mike Pence made headlines on Sunday with an abrupt early departure reveals that a broad majority of Americans hope that Donald Trump follows Pence’s example and leaves early, as well.
In a striking result, the poll shows that Trump’s early exit would be approximately a thousand times more popular than the one Pence participated in on Sunday.
While Pence defended his decision to leave early on Sunday by saying that he did it out of patriotism, a substantial majority of Americans agreed that a premature departure by Trump “would be, by far, the most patriotic thing he could ever do for his country.”
And while the price tag of Pence’s departure on Sunday, estimated by some to be approximately a quarter of a million dollars, raised eyebrows across the country, poll respondents overwhelmingly said that they do not care how much Trump’s departure costs, as long as he leaves.
Finally, in one of the poll’s more negative findings, a broad majority of Indiana residents said that they were “angry and upset” that Pence did not leave early when he was governor of that state.
10/6/17 DeVos Defends Trump: “Would a Moron Hire Me?”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos offered a spirited defense of her boss’s intelligence on Friday, bluntly asking reporters, “Would a moron hire me?”
“My intelligence can be very intimidating,” DeVos said. “And if Donald Trump was a moron, he would not want to be around people who are intelligenter than him.”
As evidence that Trump does not feel inferior around highly intelligent people, DeVos singled out other members of Trump’s Cabinet. "Leave me out of it for a second,” she said. “If Donald Trump was such a blithering idiot, why would he have hired Rick Perry?”
“Jared Kushner is also super smart,” she added. “He doesn’t even work on Saturdays because he’s a Jewish person and whatnot, but he doesn’t have to because of his huge brain and all. He’s so smart I have a nickname for him. I call him Smart Jared.”
Arguing that only a “very smart person would hire such very smart persons,” DeVos said, “Think about it. Rick Perry, Jared Kushner, and me. Wouldn’t Donald Trump have to be pretty smart to hire four people like that?”
10/4/17 Rex Tillerson Says He Remains Fully Committed to Moron’s Agenda
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attempting to pour cold water on reports of a rift between him and Donald Trump, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson told reporters on Wednesday that he remains “fully committed to this moron’s agenda.”
“There will always be people in Washington eager to stir controversy when there is none,” Tillerson said, at a hastily called press conference at the State Department. “I am standing here today to tell you that I am on the same page as this idiot.”
Elaborating on that point, the former oil-company C.E.O. stressed that he and Trump were in agreement on a broad range of issues. “From North Korea to Iran to China, there is no daylight between me and this imbecile,” he said.
Tillerson also took pains to deny that he was ever close to resigning from his Cabinet post. “When I promise a cretin that I am going to do a job, I stay until the job is finished,” he said.
Asked to confirm reports that Vice-President Mike Pence had to persuade him not to quit last summer, the Secretary of State refused. “Let’s leave that other moron out of this,” he said.
10/4/17 Puerto Rico Issues Travel Ban on Malignant Narcissists
SAN JUAN (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the move an “urgent response to recent unfortunate events,” Puerto Rico has issued a sweeping travel ban on malignant narcissists, effective immediately.
Starting on Wednesday, Customs and Border Protection officials at Puerto Rico’s ports of entry will be equipped with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–V) issued by the American Psychiatric Association, and will be instructed to look for symptoms of malignant narcissism in those attempting to enter.
“If port officials encounter a visitor who has a pompous and arrogant demeanor, needs the constant admiration of others, and is unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs, that visitor will be denied entry,” a Puerto Rican government statement read.
Puerto Rico took the forceful action after an incident on Tuesday, in which a man with narcissistic-personality disorder gained entry to the island and inexplicably hurled projectiles at unwitting Puerto Ricans.
“We had to do something,” one government official said. “Enough is enough.”
Puerto Rico’s ban on malignant narcissists drew widespread praise from people around the world, with many Americans calling for a similar ban in the mainland United States.
9/30/17 Tom Price Seated Between Two Screaming Babies on First-Ever Commercial Flight
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an experience that he called “traumatic” and “horrifying,” the departing Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, was seated between two screaming babies Friday night on his first-ever commercial flight.
Price, who was flying from Washington, D.C., to his home in Georgia just hours after resigning from his Cabinet position, reacted with alarm after discovering that the airline had assigned him a middle seat between two passengers holding inconsolably shrieking babies on their laps.
Moments after making his terrible discovery, Price urgently called for a flight attendant and reportedly told her, “There are babies on this aircraft. That can’t possibly be allowed.”
After informing Price that babies were, in fact, permitted on commercial flights, the attendant instructed the former Cabinet secretary to fasten his seatbelt and ignored his request to be served a free glass of Dom Perignon champagne and beluga caviar with toast points.
According to witnesses on board, the two babies flanking Price screamed non-stop for the entire duration of the flight, except for a brief period during which one of the babies vomited on Price’s Armani suit.
9/28/17 Betsy DeVos Says She Did Math on Trump’s Tax Plan and It Will Save Nation Eleventy Krillion
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a ringing endorsement from the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that she did the math on Donald Trump’s tax plan and that she estimates it will save the United States roughly eleventy krillion dollars.
“I took out a pencil and paper and figured it out the old-fashioned way,” DeVos told reporters. “I wound up going through a lot of paper, because eleventy krillion has ten hundredteen zeroes.”
DeVos stressed that the eleventy-krillion figure was actually a conservative estimate. “The exact number was between eleventy and ninety-quelve, but I rounded down to eleventy,” she said.
The Education Secretary said that the national debt, which currently stands at more than twenty trillion dollars, would be greatly reduced by the eleventy-krillion-dollar windfall.
“If you subtract eleventy krillion from twenty trillion, you get a number so small it has no name,” she explained.
9/26/17 Republicans Sadly Admit Their Dream of Keeping Poor People from Living Longer Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saddened and more than a little wistful, Senate Republicans acknowledged on Tuesday that their long-standing dream of keeping poor people from living longer was at its end.
Choking back tears, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that his crusade to halt the longevity of the poor had turned out to be a quixotic one at best.
“We made a solemn promise to the American people that we would do everything in our power to keep the poor from living so darn long,” he said, his voice quavering. “We didn’t get it done.”
While saying that he did not want to “play the blame game,” Graham could not resist pointing fingers at senators who broke ranks with the G.O.P. leadership over its quest to stall the poor’s unacceptably surging life expectancy.
“I always thought that preventing the poor from living longer was a bedrock Republican principle,” he said bitterly. “I guess I was wrong.”
On the House side, Speaker Paul Ryan urged Graham not to wallow in defeat but to move on to other Republican agenda items, like tax reform. “We may not be able to keep the poor from living longer, but we can still make them poorer,” he said.
9/24/17 Trump Invites Russian National Basketball Team to White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after rescinding his invitation to the Golden State Warriors, Donald J. Trump invited the entire Russian national basketball team to celebrate with him at the White House.
Trump said that he looked forward to welcoming the Russian team, calling them “much, much better basketball players than those Golden State losers.”
When reporters pointed out that the Russians had won only a bronze in the 2012 Olympics and failed to qualify for the 2016 event, Trump was dismissive, calling the Olympics “rigged.”
“You ask anyone who knows, Steph Curry is nowhere near as good as Vladimir Ivlev,” Trump said.
But Trump’s plan to replace the Warriors with the Russians hit a snag just hours after he issued the invitation, when the Russian team released an official statement declining the offer.
“We feel that appearing with Donald Trump at this time would be bad for our brand,” the Russians’ statement read.
9/22/17 Trump Names Sarah Palin Ambassador to Nambia
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday capped a busy week of diplomatic activity by naming the former Alaska governor Sarah Palin the United States Ambassador to Nambia.
By naming Palin to this diplomatic post, the United States has become the first nation in the world to formally recognize Nambia’s existence.
In a joint appearance with Trump at the White House, Palin acknowledged that she “didn’t know a lot about Nambia” but said that she was looking forward to receiving a comprehensive briefing on the nation’s history, culture, and customs from the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos.
“Then it’s Nambia, here I come!” Palin exclaimed.
In a sign that Palin’s appointment was a popular move, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans support her permanent relocation to Nambia.
9/21/17 People Who Feared Obama Would Take Their Guns Happy to Have Trump Take Their Health Care
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who feared that Barack Obama would come for their guns are happy that Donald Trump is coming for their health care, a new report finds.
In interviews conducted across the country, people expressed satisfaction that, by taking away their ability to see a doctor rather than their ability to shoot people, the federal government “finally has its priorities straight.”
“I couldn’t get a night’s sleep, worrying about Obama taking away my guns,” Carol Foyler, a gun owner from Kentucky, said. “Now that we have a President who’s just taking away my family’s health care, I can breathe easier.”
Harland Dorrinson, a gun fancier from Wyoming, concurred. “In Europe, everyone has health care and no one has guns,” he said. “You couldn’t pay me to live there.” Noting that thousands of people die in hospitals every year, he added, “Health care has killed more people than guns have.”
Tracy Klugian, a gun hobbyist in Florida, said he strongly supported the Trump Administration’s policy, which he summarized as, “If you like the guns you have, you can keep those guns.”
He said that the prospect of becoming ill without health insurance does not concern him in the least. “If I get a disease, I’ll shoot at it,” he said.
9/19/17 In War of Elton John Lyrics, Kim Jong Un Calls Trump “Honky Cat”
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In what some security experts fear could be a high-stakes war of Elton John lyrics, minutes after Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man,” the North Korean dictator responded by calling Trump “Honky Cat.”
As he issued the Elton John-based attack, Kim warned that he had an extensive collection of the singer-songwriter’s albums and was prepared to weaponize every lyric in them.
The White House immediately struck back, warning Kim that “any further provocation involving an Elton John lyric, especially ‘Tiny Dancer,’ will be seen as an act of war.”
But any hope that Kim would be silenced was short-lived.
Responding to the White House, Kim stated, “I see the bitch is back,” before signing off, “Goodbye, Yellow-Wigged Toad.”
9/18/17 Mueller Rents Giant Warehouse to Store Evidence Against Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller is renting a massive warehouse facility in suburban Virginia to accommodate the approximately forty cubic tons of evidence against Donald Trump that the independent counsel’s investigation is generating on a daily basis.
Employing over two thousand workers in a warehouse the size of seven football fields, the Mueller investigation has become the fastest-growing sector of the U.S. economy, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Working twelve-hour shifts, the members of Mueller’s evidence-storage team rarely leave the warehouse, where the punishing task of filing mountains of evidence against Trump proceeds around the clock.
“It’s like a city all its own,” one warehouse worker said. “There are people working in the Michael Flynn section who’ve never met the people working in the Paul Manafort section.”
While the warehouse workers are well paid, there have been issues with burnout. “The team in charge of filing all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s different explanations of his meeting with the Russians had to take time off,” one worker said.
As gargantuan as the storage space appears to be, an aide to Mueller said that the investigation would soon be seeking a second, even larger warehouse. “We need a place to put all the Jared stuff,” the aide said.
9/15/17 In Stunning New Deal with Democrats, Trump Agrees to Be Impeached
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his most stunning deal yet with Democratic leaders, Donald Trump agreed on Friday to be impeached by the end of 2017.
Emerging from an Oval Office meeting with Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a beaming Trump touted the deal for his imminent removal from office.
“Chuck and Nancy and I got a deal done on impeachment,” Trump said. “It was a good deal and it was a fast deal.”
Trump said that the Democrats had convinced him that agreeing to be impeached would make him soar in popularity. “People are going to love me for doing this,” Trump said. “They’re going to love it on all the channels.”
In a barb aimed at House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Trump said that the impeachment agreement was something he “never could have gotten done” with the Republican leadership.
“I went around and around with the Republicans for months on health care,” he said. “This meeting with Chuck and Nancy took, what, five minutes, and I could get back to watching TV.”
Hoping to capitalize on their momentum, Pelosi and Schumer said that they would meet with Trump next week to discuss the ouster of Vice-President Mike Pence.
9/13/17 White House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More Than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Upbraiding the ESPN anchor Jemele Hill for calling Donald Trump a “white supremacist,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Wednesday that “no one has done more than President Trump to prove that white people are not superior.”
“It’s grossly unfair that Ms. Hill sought to portray Donald Trump as an upholder of white supremacy, when everything he says or does directly undermines that whole concept,” Sanders said. “Anyone who thinks that Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention.”
Sanders urged the ESPN anchor to “do her homework” on Trump before making baseless allegations. “Read his tweets,” she said. “Listen to his speeches. If you still think Donald Trump is trying to prove that white people are superior, I tip my hat to you.”
Ending on a personal note, Sanders said that she was “a hundred-per-cent sure” that her boss is not a white supremacist. “Donald Trump cannot even spell the word ‘supremacist,’ ” she said.
9/12/17 Porn Industry Irrevocably Damaged by Association with Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The pornography industry has likely suffered permanent damage as a result of its unfortunate association with the Texas senator Ted Cruz, industry sources said on Tuesday.
Porn, which takes in annual profits of fifteen billion dollars, could see those revenues decimated if, as some industry experts fear, users begin to have intrusive thoughts involving Senator Cruz.
“For porn producers, this is a crisis with no simple solution,” Harland Dorrinson, an industry insider, said. “If you warn viewers not to think about Ted Cruz, there’s a real danger that that’s all they’ll think about.”
In the hours since porn first became associated with the Texas senator, traffic to porn sites has plummeted in what industry sources are ruefully calling “the Cruz effect.”
“I’ve enjoyed porn for years and never dreamed that anything could ruin the experience for me,” Davis Logsdon, a porn user from Minnesota, said. “Thanks a lot, Ted Cruz.”
9/11/17 CBS Criticized for Airing Graphic Horror Program Without Viewer Advisory
Note: This satire was in reference to Steve Bannon on CBS 60 minutes defending Trump's "Both Sides" remark about the protesters and counter-protesters at Charlottesville where the protesters were white supremacists with torches making Nazi signs.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CBS ignited a firestorm of controversy on Sunday night after it broadcast a shockingly graphic horror program without any viewer advisory.
Millions of viewers who unwittingly tuned in to the highly upsetting program recoiled in revulsion and took to social media to rip CBS.
“It’s appalling to think that you would even consider broadcasting such a thing at seven o’clock, when children could be watching,” one viewer wrote. “Shame on CBS.”
Another irate viewer complained that he was “in total disbelief” that CBS would air such disturbing content with no warning preceding it. “I may never get those nightmarish images out of my head,” he wrote.
Responding to the avalanche of criticism, the chief executive of CBS, Leslie Moonves, said that he doubted that a viewer advisory before the program would have made a difference. “I knew what was coming, and I was still terrified by what I saw,” he said.