About three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of him—and I didn't know how dominant that part might be—that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Deeply seductive and extraordinarily suspenseful, Twilight is a love story with bite.

So I started drafting out a review for Twilight, and I got so far as this:
"Twilight follows the perspective of Isabella (Bella) Swan after recently moving from Pheonix, Arizona to Forks, a small town in Washington.
She hates Forks. Because...it rains. And it's cold. And she misses her mom. 

So Bella goes to school for her first day and is, for some reason, bombarded with boys trying to ask her out...? But she's not interested in them. She's not like other girls *hair flip*. However, she ends up seeing this guy Edward who looks...attractive I guess?" 

By this point, I gave up on summarizing the story in my satirical way. I decided to just quote this linguistic genius on Goodreads... "my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.

on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain." 

Click here then scroll down 7 reviews to see the full thing. We promise it's hilarious and worth your time. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41865.Twilight 

Also, Bella, how are you "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him?" You met him about 2 weeks ago...

(Or, you know, you could read my top-notch review on my Goodreads profile https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/165645929-pigeon) 

If you must read this book for some unfathomable reason or to hate-read it, we'd say that the age recommendation for this is 12ish. 

-Pigeon