July 3, 2026

Inspired by my sister, who has marginally better taste than me, I watched this film called Conclave. The film focuses on a fictional story wherein the current pope dies, and a new one has to be chosen, a process called the papal conclave. The main character, who is in charge of the conclave, gives a speech that I will never forget. He says, “our faith is a living thing precisely because it walks hand in hand with doubt. If there was only certainty and no doubt, there would be no mystery and therefore no need for faith. Let us pray that God will grant us a Pope who doubts and let Him grant us a Pope who sins and asks for forgiveness and who carries on.” 

Throughout my life I’ve often felt like I was walking this line between faith and doubt, being swayed one way or another through life experience, teachings from leaders or my family, or even my education. In some areas I was safely on the side of faith, while in other areas I was walking in doubt. I was recently reading through my journal from a year ago, and it became clear how in more ways than one, I felt lost with what to do, whether I would get into medical school, and where I would live for the next year. But somewhere inside me was a spark of faith, of hope. When I received my acceptance letter for Fulbright that spark flared to life, and I found myself in the position to take a leap of faith. So I did. I moved to Kyrgyzstan, a country I had never heard of a year ago, much less thought I’d be living in today. In a way, I made the choice to leave some of my doubts behind and throw myself off the cliff of uncertainty. It is an understatement to say that this decision has changed my life forever; words can’t express how much I’ve learned from this choice, how deeply it has impacted me. 

This past week, I had the opportunity to participate in a Bible summer camp in Kegete Gorge, which is about 40 minutes from Tokmok. We spent five days peeing in holes, taking cold showers (these are very important details and impacted my experience greatly), eating Kyrgyz/Russian food, and learning more about the Bible. One night, we played a game where our task was to carry a lit candle from one edge of a field to another. The catch: camp leaders were walking around trying to blow out our candles before we reached the other side. Despite being a Bible camp, this game seemed to go directly against the verse that says “let your light so shine before men,” (Matthew 5:15-16). The other detail worth mentioning is that all the camp leaders were men, so the game ultimately looked like getting chased by a bunch of eager young men trying to blow out my candle. Truly a metaphor for the ages. 

Reflecting on this game has caused me to remember all the times that my candle has been snuffed out while walking that line between faith and doubt. Times when my feet slipped slightly into the doubt region and my flame wavered. The sad reality of our world is that there will always be people hungry to blow out our light, or even use our candle to light their own, staving off our progress across the “field” of life. Sometimes this makes me feel discouraged, like I should metaphorically hide my light to keep it safe, or in the words of a camp counselor “run from intimacy.” If I never expose my flame to the air, it will never be at risk of going out. 

The problem with that plan is, of course, fire needs oxygen to survive. Sometimes we have to uncover our lights, exposing them to the realities of the world, in order to grow and live. We have to take that leap of faith and live in a country we’ve never heard of, ask that person on a date, eat the food that really doesn’t look appetizing, or connect vulnerably with those around us. In all the people I’ve met and all that I’ve observed in my relatively short life, the one thing I can be sure of is that each person has a light within them that is needed more than we can understand. I am reminded of a C.S. Lewis quote which says, “remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship... There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.” I have to agree with Lewis that “there are no ordinary people.” It seems everyone I meet, no matter their background or country of origin, has a unique insight, perspective, or idea that makes them far from a “mere mortal.” Discovering this perspective often requires us to take the leap, expose our light, or walk the often perilous line between faith and doubt, but with a great, beautiful reward. Through my travels, I have learned that the process of becoming is one of vulnerability, of faith, and of course, of doubt. This is a process that I hope will continue throughout my life, and into the life to come. 

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the love and support of my family, so I want to take time on my last blog post to thank them for everything these past ten months. To my mom– thank you for all the late night and early morning calls when I was too nauseous to fall asleep or crying over the lack of Italian spice mixes. To my dad– thank you for helping me see that I can carry the boat, and always encouraging me to “woman up” while being one of the most tender-hearted people I know. To my brother– no one is prouder of you than me, you understand me in a way not many people do, and your advice has kept me afloat when I needed it most. And last but not least, to my sister– thank you for the laughter, long-distance movie dates, memes, and for being able to understand the craziness of living abroad. To all the others who reached out and supported me during this time, I truly would not have made it through without you. 

I love you all so dearly and I’m so grateful to have you in my corner. 

Oh, and I still haven’t eaten horse. 10 months down, and I completed my Fulbright!!! See you in America :)

-B

At the beginning of June, Raven and I took a trip to London, and my sister met us there! We spent 10 days exporing London, eating amazing food, and we even went on a Pride and Prejudice tour. The middle photo is us in front of St. Paul's Cathedral after we attended a Sunday service there. They had an amazing choir and huge organ that we listened to. Such a cool experience! The right-most photo is me with my favorite sandwhich in all of London, from Borough market. I had it the last time I was there, and I was eager to have it again (to say the least I was foaming at the mouth). It was truly the trip of a lifetime and I'm so glad Berkley could meet us there. 

My amazing friends, Aizhamal and Tatiana. We've had so much fun together this summer. The photo on the left is of us at Issyk Kul, where we took a day trip and attended church there. Can you tell I'm the granola friend in the group? The photo on the right is of Tanya and Aizhamal at camp (more pictures below), where we laughed and cried almost everyday. I love how happy they look!!

Photos of Raven and I's trip to Son Kul!! We only spent 24 hours there, but it was so amazing to reconnect with nature for a bit. Our yurt (middle photo) was right near the lake, and the camp was completely surrounded by mountains and grazing animals (horses, cows, sheep). It was genuinley so surreal and unforgettable. All the mountains in Kyrgyzstan are a grassy green (my dad's heaven), so it makes you want to gallop on a horse or hunt with your eagle or something (Kyrgyz girl core). We also got to ride horses (right photo) which is always a highlight for me! My horse was the prettiest one obviously.