The Asclepius No. 1

What's Happening In Apollyon?

As tensions rise in Apollyon over the upcoming mayoral election season, many are left in fear over the options their districts are presented with. Raum, local Agent Orange farmer, is of the opinion that none of the representatives in the Greater Moorcroft Area work to serve his interests and those of  his fellow citizens. "They both plan on letting our gates open to Gillette," explained the oft-feared lesser royal to an Avarice spokesperson, "and we all know what those dreaded warlords from Gillette will do to us." The nearby town could not be reached for comment, as the moat of liquid tungsten surrounding it's outer walls had recently expanded to thirty feet wide in some places. Before any further research could be conducted, a zmei hunting pack surfaced from the unhallowed ground and the spokesperson was forced to withdraw back into Avarice.

  Nonetheless, this sentiment has been echoed across districts. In the Greater Bellingshausen Sea Area, for example, many citizens feel that neither Gomory nor Bael accurately represent their beliefs, thoughts, and needs, instead being too focused on attempting to seize a seat of power from which to install puppet governments in nearby districts in an attempt to crack open a cavern to the core of the Earth and bio-engineer an invisible army of undying horrors, respectively. "Soon, all will burn," Gomory proudly announced on his rallying speech in 1980, "and magma will envelop all those who would oppose me in a burning casket of horror and suffering! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha ha hah haha ha ha ha hahahahahaaaaaa!10"

In other news, plants on the recently-discovered continent of Holland have been found to show a strange blight that some believe to be indicative of nearby barrow-ghasts, something that raises several questions, chief among which are how, exactly, Northern European settlers managed to reach Holland, typically located in the Indian Sea, before the much nearer Haiti. Haitian Prime Minister Ouroboros elaborated on these concerns in a press conference, stating that, "We are trying our utmost to minimize the spread of the plague and identify just how it was sent from European Ireland. While we have not yet established this as a concentrated, hostile attack, we suspect it to be such a thing at this time."

The Prime Minister has already confirmed with Avarice that it will be launching a counterattack in the form of  a "temporal paradox," stating that it can simply undo the act if further research shows it's hunch to be inaccurate, thereby making it as if the overzealous assault had never existed. An Irish spokesperson stated that the newborn country would never do such a thing, which was corroborated by a Scottish embassy that confirmed all of Ireland's attacks to be, "focused on the invading House Plantagenet and their conjured sprites of necrotic energy." A meeting is scheduled between a Duke under Prime Minister Ouroboros and an Irish Vicarmagestat on seventarialday, during which both parties hope to rectify the situation and make amends.

A Tajikistani mole confirmed with Avarice today that while insect production had been down, the tunnel-building industry was still going strong in that part of Europe, while the same could not be said for the rest of Apollyon. Unfortunately, the mole could not speak to the politics of the far-reaching nation, nor could it add credibility to claims that an alliance was being formed between Tajikistan and the nuclear wasteland of Canada. Perhaps, we theorize, a ferret will provide better information.               

Avarice, As Seen On TV

Have you ever wanted money that practically makes itself? If so, the Counterfeiter-6000 is just the product for you! With three mobile engines, ten mouths, and hundreds of  boomboxes, the Counterfeiter-6000 is everything you could want in a stand-alone business venture! Just insert a coin and watch as dozens more fall out of the slot! If you want to see the magic happen, just lift up the flap and watch the new coins be minted, but be careful: once unsheathed, the flap can only be placed back after drawing human blood and drinking deep on the vital energy of it's victim. All the more reason to bring a friend! While the Counterfeiter-6000 can only be stopped by razing a small village to the ground11, profit is profit; after all, what downside could there possibly be to an infinite stream of coins?

This new product can be all yours for the cheap, cheap price of forty-eight easy payments of just a quarter of a duovigintillion United States Dollars (or a 15 duovigintillion dollar down payment), and that money practically makes itself back! Even though you have to pay upfront, the gain practically outweighs the loss, and everyone can spare forty-eight quarter-duovigintillion dollar payments! Practically. This standard deal comes with a two-hour payment window (see a specialist for a reevaluation of this timeline), so you should be able to completely pay for your Counterfeiter-6000 in just under four days, and that's practically nothing! What's more, order now and your Counterfeiter-6000 may come with a unique collectible action figure! This exclusive superhero, Marduk Man, has not yet been released and might never be sold again! What would you do if you were the only one in your friend group without a Marduk Man action figure? How else would you smite your enemies with divine lightning? Never fear, because these problems and more are solved by purchasing the Counterfeiter-6000 NOW!

Hurry, because only 720 Counterfeiter-6000s are left in storage! Why, even as we write this fine article, that number is practically plummeting! With such a high-end product like this, it's sure to sell like hotcakes! In the name of Apollyon, there are only 539 left! Wow, look at that; we're down to 401! Order quickly, while supplies last! Fast! NOW! You need to hurry! YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! YOU WILL NEVER FIND HAPPINESS WITHOUT THE LIMITED-TIME EDITION COUNTERFEITER-6000! YOU WILL DIE COLD AND ALONE!

Now, you don't need to worry! Simply close this tab and go to our website, where - - No, wait, stop! You FOOL, what have you done?! No! NOOOO! GET BACK HERE NOW! You're not going to buy it in time! We only have 10 left! Just TEN! That's IT! In just nine more sales, you'll lose EVERY CHANCE you ever had of achieving your dreams! EVERY LAST ONE! Eight left, now! Seven! Six! Five! Two! One! It's gonna be gone in seconds, and then where will you be?! Huh!? NOWHERE! YOU'LL  BE NOTHING WITHOUT IT! NOTHING!! I SWEAR ON APOLLYON, YOU'LL REGRET THIS! BUY IT! SOMEBODY BUY IT! BUY IT OR I SWEAR I'LL - -     

We Interrupt This Message To Fearmonger

Time is passing. Do you know where your children are? What they are doing? What they plan on doing? Face it, you know nothing. Your poor, defenseless children have already been corrupted by the harsh, uncaring world at large. They ran off and joined a rival biker gang, and now they deal stolen drugs to orphans when you're not home. They've already joined that religion you don't like. You know that political party? The one you hate? They've already joined it. Face it, they're making a mockery of all you hold dear. Their gullible, oh-so-sweet selves are losing their innocence, and it's all your fault. You could have watched them more, but you didn't. You could have kept them off social media, but you didn't. You could have saved them, but you didn't. Now, you're going to lose them, and it's all your fault.

Your kids are shifting away from you and you know it. You can feel it in the way they greet you, how eager they are to be away from you. If only you had known to protect them sooner, you could have nipped this in the bud. But now it's too late. As soon as they can, they're going to leave you, and you'll be alone. Abandoned. Forgotten. All while you watch them tumble through all the suffering that life has to offer, being chained by addiction, vice, and sin. Watch them be beaten like mold under the cold, oppressive shoe of our harsh society. They'll never make it, and you know that. Clearly, more extreme steps need to be taken. You could have played this safe earlier in their lives; now there's no time for risking a job only half done.

But how? How can you keep the icy grip, the insidious evil of our planet from reaching them? It's simple, really. Much easier than you'd expect, even at this stage. You just need to keep a closer eye on them. Don't be afraid to place limits. Boundaries are healthy, and will only allow your child to grow and heal. Take away their phones. Shut off their computers. Supervise their time away from the house and meet with their friends. Only let safe people around your children; they'll thank you for your protection when they're older and more mature. For that matter, accidents happen all the time. You see it on the news, people dying, children dying horrifically. Attacks, malfunctions, runaways, kidnappers. Don't let your children be the next. Keep them away from dangerous places and don't let them near heavy machinery. Stop them from wandering off when you let them outside; constant passive supervision is informative and harmless. After all, nothing short of your children's futures, their very lives, is at stake. Maybe you shouldn't let them outside at all - - it would be safer. In fact, maybe they should stay in your house. It's important to foster your life apart from your child, and it's easier to monitor them remotely this way. Realistically, though, not even your abode is safe. Look around you, right now, and really observe your surroundings. Don't you see how dangerous it all is? Can't you tell how many ways they could get hurt? Tripping, maiming, misusing, consuming, and more could lead to potentially fatal accidents around you right now, they don't know any better, and you're powerless to stop it. Well, nearly.

Child-proof a small area of your house, like a walk-in closet, or basement. Something manageable, that you can constantly watch from afar. Lead them in, and keep them there as much as possible. Start homeschooling them; with all the shootings these days, public schooling just isn't safe anymore, and private schools try to indoctrinate your dear children. Your kids are young, and they don't know what's best; don't listen to them if they try to sway you. You know the only way you can protect them is if you never let them leave your sight. The world is just too big and dangerous. You know what's right.                         

Downer Death Of The Day

Now, back to our show. For the last segment, we will cover the horrible, painful death of Morton Lanson. Mr. Lanson was walking down the street when he tripped over a crumpled piece of paper, and fell face-first on an upturned pen. The pen pushed into his throat, severing his uvula, and pierced him in the back of his skull. The pen, which was firmly wedged between two sections of the sidewalk, immobilized Lanson and kept him trapped on the ground, deafening his horrified screams for mercy as he was slowly trampled to death by hordes of uncaring pedestrians who never bothered to look down and see him underfoot. What a downer.

What strikes us as worst is not the brutality of Mr. Lanson's death, but instead the sheer randomness of it. Truly, Mr. Lanson was an innocent member of society, just as pure and clean as any other, and he died horrifically for no reason at all. When an outreach specialist in Avarice summoned Mr. Lanson's spirit from beyond the grave, the tortured soul only added to these beliefs. Whimpering in pain, the ghost of Mr. Lanson cried out in anguish for multiple minutes, later explaining that he he had been unable to do so in life, and wanted to cleanse his terrible, terrible fate. Once Mr. Lanson had gone through this cathartic experience and could move on with his afterlife free of painful recollection, the outreach specialist began brutally and unrelentingly interrogating him as to the specific kind of pain he felt as he died, how long that pain lasted, and what feelings of despair it was intertwined with.

Weeping, Mr. Lanson said that he was simply going about his day when he suffered his torturous end, claiming that it was just the same as any other day. He continued, "I . . . I just feel like . . . I feel like . . . I don't know. It came out  of nowhere, and now I'm . . . oh no. You said I had more time!" Quietly, Mr. Lanson added, "You all said I had more time." When urged to continue the interview, Mr. Lanson eventually agreed, thought at great effort at the part of the specialist. "I had plans for that evening. I had just come back from vacation, and I thought I was going to . . . Never mind. It's too late now. The sixth rooster crows, 'midnight'. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't take this, man. I'm not going to make it. It just hurts so bad. . . I can't stand the pain, you know? You understand, right? It's just sooo much pain . . . I can't take it anymore. I'm not doing this. Please. I can't keep doing this. You can't even imagine how much it hurts. I feel weak. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, sososo hungry. Please, you need to understand me. I'm not doing this interview anymore. Please." 

   When the ghost of Mr. Lanson requested to see his family, he was denied. He became increasingly agitated until the specialist had to eventually dispel him and withdraw into Avarice. We would like to conclude this report by stating that his body rotted on the street for days before someone stumbled over it. EMTs arrived at the scene shortly, but they were unable to remove his corpse from the impaling pen, nor were they able to rip the pen from the earth. The area has been cordoned off for weeks as various medical officials attempted to remove the corpse from the sidewalk, lured by the Hippocratic Oath and the promise of becoming King of the EMTs.  To date, no one has been able to remove either the corpse or the pen in it, but a group of doctors are petitioning nearby hospitals for grant money. A paving company has offered to uproot the sidewalk, but the Board of Medicine is not eager to take that route, fearing it to further damage the body.