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Feeling Emotional?
Feeling Emotional?
Throughout the whole process of unpacking White privilege, White folks often feel a large variety of emotions. These can range from defensiveness to hopelessness, guilt to rage, and everything in between. So why are White folks so emotional about unpacking White privilege? Cheryl E. Matias explains it by stating, “When one develops a strong critical race consciousness that sheds light not only on how racism operates in society but how one’s white identity may be complicit in that operation, she or he is at an utter loss.” In other words, White folks experience awareness of their privilege as a loss, and therefore experience the range of emotions we often see in the process of grief.
Unpacking White privilege means losing a worldview, essentially that the world is a fair, just place where everyone has the same chance to attain success through hard work. We often process this like grief because we feel we are losing a part of ourselves and our identity. White folks question who we are in a world where we have existed ignorant to the fact that we are complicit in and benefitting from the systems that oppress our fellow humans who are Black, Indigenous, and POC. Matias also points out that we must mourn our morality as well; we begin to question if we are bad people for being complicit in racist systems and feel protective of our identities as good people.
While these feelings are normal, it is important to process them in deep, reflective, internal ways, so we do not do additional harm with our feelings. The activities below will help you understand how your emotions fit into bigger systems of power and White supremacy to support you in processing them in healthy ways that allow you to grow as a co-conspirator.
Processing Grief and Loss When Unpacking Privilege
Processing Grief and Loss When Unpacking Privilege
I have adapted the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle, a process created to map the many emotions experienced during grief, to connect to the emotions White folks often feel when facing our privilege. While Kübler-Ross (and my graphic) presents the cycle as a linear process, those who have experienced loss know that we can move fluidly between different parts of this cycle and exist in more than one stage at the same time.
Do the Work! Identifying and Categorizing Emotions of Grief
Do the Work! Identifying and Categorizing Emotions of Grief
In a journal or in conversation with another White person doing this work:
List all the emotions you have felt and continue to feel as you unpack your privilege.
How did you feel the first time you heard about privilege?
How did you feel in the last session acknowledging your positionality?
How did you feel enumerating your privileges?
How did you feel noticing which privileges were common decency and which were unearned power?
How do you feel in your daily life when you notice privilege at work?
See if you can categorize where each of your emotions fall on the grief cycle above.
Where do you most often fall?
White Emotions and White Supremacy
White Emotions and White Supremacy
It is important to note that our emotions when facing our White privilege do not exist in a vacuum: they are largely created by the societal and cultural contexts in which we exist. For us, that context is the culture of White supremacy. Tema Okun, in partnership with Kenneth Jones created a list of 15 characteristics of "White Supremacy Culture" that they witness as driving the way organizations function.
Because everything we do is contextualized in White Supremacy Culture, our grieving while unpacking White privilege is impacted by this culture as well. The ways we process that grief are impacted by the characteristics of White Supremacy Culture that we most connect with. Are you perfectionistic in your approach to life? Then, you are likely to be perfectionistic in your approach to unlearning White supremacy and reeducating yourself. Are you individualistic in your approach to life? That likely transfers over to your emotions while facing your privilege, as well.
Unfortunately, these deeply internalized characteristics, can drive some of the least productive ways we process our grief. Therefore, I have created the graphic below to demonstrate the ways White Supremacy Culture weaves its way into our grief and the challenges it causes to our progress. I have also imagined what some cultural characteristics might be that we might aim for as we move toward acceptance, where we can decenter Whiteness and White Supremacy Culture.
Do the Work! Examining Emotions in the Context of White Supremacy
Do the Work! Examining Emotions in the Context of White Supremacy
In a journal or in conversation with another White person doing this work:
Refer to Tema Okun's descriptions of White Supremacy Culture.
Which of these qualities do you most often embody and in what ways?
Examine the above diagram and ask yourself:
What characteristics of White Supremacy are implicit in your emotions?
White Emotions and Power Dynamics
White Emotions and Power Dynamics
White emotions are often given more power than Black emotions. White folks, particularly White women, are given space, support, and delicacy when we experience emotions. Part of the White Supremacy Culture about emotions is that we have a right to comfort. So, it is often the goal to give White folks the space and time to feel our feelings in whatever way makes us most comfortable. However, this is not the case for other races, especially Black folks. Rachel Cargle explains it this way: “The assumption is made that black folks need to be taught or told when to employ certain feelings, restraint, some kind of filter, emotions, remarks, responses, etc. It’s insidious." So, when in a racially mixed group, often White folks' emotions take up the space that needs to be made for Black folks emotions. Therefore, it is important to understand how your emotions carry power.
Each stage of our grief can have unintended consequences when our emotions take up space. Our denial can cause us to uphold the status quo. When we turn our anger on other White folks, we can ignite White rage toward BIPOC communities. In bargaining, our need for validation can pull focus from important Black feelings and experiences that need the floor more than ours. A state of depression can cause us to halt our progress or give up, as we've come to expect instant gratification with our complaints as White folks.
Since, as Rachel Cargle states, "Anti-racism isn't self-improvement for White folks," we have to distinguish some of the ways we can process our emotions without taking up important space and time.
Public vs. Private: When White folks process their feelings publicly, it focuses the conversation on making White people feel better, rather than making the world a better place for BIPOC folks. While emotions are inevitable, it is important to process them in spaces where you are not pulling focus from the issue of racism.
External vs. Internal: White folks externalize their emotions by arguing or seeking validation. We are used to having the floor and our opinions and feelings being important, but in unpacking racism, we have to place Black lives above White emotions. When emotions are internalized, White folks self-reflect and examine the accompanying thoughts to relearn. This is a more productive use of our emotional process.
Around vs. Through: White Supremacist Culture suggests we take the path of least discomfort, which is often avoidant of negative emotions that are necessary to confront in order to grow. Instead of ignoring our emotions, we need to interrogate them to uncover the ways they reflect internalization of White supremacy.
To process White emotions without exerting power, we must process them privately, internally, and by going through them to gain clarity and grow.
To process White emotions without exerting power, we must process them privately, internally, and by going through them to gain clarity and grow.
Decentering Whiteness When Processing Emotions
Decentering Whiteness When Processing Emotions
So how, then, do we actually process the emotions without exerting our power? We must decenter Whiteness. We can do this by focusing on the underlying assumptions and beliefs that drive our emotions and then channeling our emotions toward mindsets and actions that support BIPOC folks in the work of dismantling racism.
I suggest you use the following 4 steps to process a given emotion, reflect on your thinking, and return your focus to the work that needs to be done.
Do the Work! Process Your Emotions
Do the Work! Process Your Emotions
In a journal or in conversation with another White person doing this work:
Try this process with some of the emotions on your list.
How does this process feel? Is it similar or unlike the way you normally process emotions?
What do you find most challenging about this process? Does this connect back to your internalization ofWhite Supremacy Culture?
Consider the ways in which you process emotions:
How can you make time and space to do this work privately?
What can you do to make sure you don't externalize this work in physical or virtual spaces where you are taking up space with your emotions?
How can you hold yourself accountable for going through emotions rather than around them?
Processing Emotions is Ongoing Work
Processing Emotions is Ongoing Work
Yes, processing emotions is challenging and can be exhausting, especially if we are used to going around emotions or taking up a lot of space with them. However, as you make a habit of processing emotions privately, internally, and through, you will find the steps become more innate. Metacognition is a developed skill and the more explicit you make your thinking processes, the stronger that muscle becomes. Bryan Stevenson said, “Justice will never come if we only do things that are comfortable.” Much like any other muscle, we have to train our brains to work in this way, and the more training we do, the less strain we feel as we do it. Your mind is your justice muscle, and it must be strengthened and maintained.
Do the Work! Develop a Practice of Processing Emotions
Do the Work! Develop a Practice of Processing Emotions
After you have begun to process some of your emotions using the activities above, try making it a practice over the next week to begin to develop lifelong habits.
Participate in a conversation, attend a webinar led by Black folks, watch a Black speaker, join a program created by a Black educator or activist, and get uncomfortable. As you participate in learning in a new context:
Let yourself fill up with emotions.
Practice making private space to work through them internally.
Force yourself to write out or talk through the 4 steps to process emotions while decentering Whiteness with another White person.
As you process emotions, pay attention to which step is most challenging for you.
Additional Resources for the Week
Additional Resources for the Week
The following are good supplements to the work you did above, if you are looking to dig deeper into this topic.
"White Supremacy Culture" by Tema Okun
"Dismantling White Supremacy And The 5 Stages of Grief" by Kim Crayton
NPR Code Switch: "When the 'White Tears' Just Keep Coming" by Leah Donnella
Feeling White: Whiteness, Emotionality, and Education by Cheryl E. Matias
Interested in Doing More of This Work?
Interested in Doing More of This Work?
The activities and materials on this page were created for the Anti-Racism Every Day White Allyship Discussion Group and were completed together in a virtual discussion. All are welcome to join us to continue this work and benefit from the power of collective reflection and discussion.
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