MY DOG IS USELESS

This may be embarrassing to admit because it is a reflection of my pet ownership skills but my dog is useless. Her name is Delta but it should be “useless”. Currently, she is lying right next to me as I write, watching me. She’s not guarding me. No, she is just watching me because I am eating a piece of pizza as I eat lunch while I work. I’ve always been annoyed by useless dogs as much as I am at sharing my last piece of pizza. Her pitiful look annoys me, too. It’s that look that asks, “Is there pepperoni on that? I love pepperoni and haven’t had any of that in years.” Don’t let that fool you. She’d steal your Thanksgiving turkey meant to be donated to crippled, children of the poor and their Nuns (Yes, those would be the same ones who are never seen but like to fish in every stocking point that the Fish and Boat Commission misses when they are planting trout). If you turn your back for a second, she’d grab that charitable meal meant for the less fortunate and wolf it down, with the trimmings, in less than five seconds. Then, shameless with the same sincere look she’d ask, “Aren’t there cranberries? I love cranberries and haven’t had any of those in years.”

I’ve been suspected of being a negligent owner before even though I’ve been on the record for appreciating working dogs my whole life. My beloved German short hair, Banjo, was a working dog but my Uncle called me after I took him home as a pup to remind me that all of his dogs were bred to be hunting dogs. It was a promise I was proud to keep and Banjo became a great hunting dog; despite my training. After losing Banjo, we acquired Delta. This time with more experience under my belt and attached to seeing more grouse flushes and enjoying long walks; I went to work training Delta.

By now that story is well known. Delta learned to hunt but at the fateful moment of her first hunt, she decided she didn’t like the dead thing part and has eschewed hunting and anything that launched a projectile, forever. Now, years later in our relationship, I can confirm that she also eschews, guarding, horn hunting, ground hog dispatching, bird hunting, helping the blind, chasing cats, wrestling or playing beyond falling on her back and demanding a tummy rub, fetching sticks, barking at strangers, or bothering to tell anyone if “Timmy” is stuck in a well and I’m not sure she even likes socializing with other dogs.

Activities that Delta still participates in include adding new things to her list to eschew, she will accept treats, raid garbage cans, demand to be rubbed and she holds down anything soft in the house and shed profusely. She will take walks but sometimes decides the walks are too far and returns home. She does enjoying bouncing birds maybe a fragment from her training as a pup but beyond bouncing them she bores of the birds quickly. I think she still dreams some and of course she still eats; even accepting her meals in her bowl but she prefers to eat by theft or begging. This is not to say she isn’t ever active, she is fond of stealing covers and kicking her owners in bed at three in the morning. She will also bark at any deer that come around my house or at the key moment a movie you are enjoying unfolds the plot. She has determined that I don’t like to see deer or understand the intriguing plot of a movie I’d been enjoying. (“Is that popcorn? Is there butter on that? I haven’t had popcorn in years…”)

I finished my pizza in paragraph four and apparently exhausted from keeping her eyes open, she has collapsed on her side and is now sound asleep. She’s gotta rest up for tonight, three am is only fifteen hours away. I don’t know what to do with her but in the meanwhile, in case anyone I respect asks about my dog, she is proficient at holding down laundry if we get the roof torn off the house in a storm and she makes food feel appreciated; which makes her more bearable than some people.

*Update: After finishing this article, I left the page open. Then at approximately 2300 hours Delta stole bones from the trash. Later in the evening, at zero dark thirty, she got up and threw them up in the bedroom, hallway, living room and kitchen. Thus she has let me know that while she doesn’t do much, she does read.

See you along the stream.