“OTHER PEOPLE OR ANYONE ALSE CANNOT MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING. IT IS YOUR CHOICE.“

“We might not always like the choices we have but nobody can make us do anything we don’t choose to do so.” 

(Marshall Rosenberg)

Nonviolent Communication is an approach developed and propagated by Marshall Rosenberg. Rosenberg received Ph.D. in psychology and he has used the approach of nonviolent communication (nowadays sometimes called as “empathetic communication”) as mediator in differing environments as were schools or peace programs in conflict areas (Palestine and Israel, Rwanda, Sri Lanka and others). Till now there are many followers and coaches who are practicing non-violent communication.

Below we present the basic concepts and approach of Nonviolent communication from the video series Nonviolent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg. As this Methodology will be translated to Czech, Polish, Slovak, German and Italian we also would like to by this form present the ideas of Nonviolent communication to teacher that do not speak English.

The GOAL of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is ”To get everybody´s needs met. And the need are getting met be people giving willingly (from their heart) not out of any coercive motivation.”

By “needs” are according the NVC met the basic human needs (see below). Fulfilment of this basic human needs is the essential driving factor for our behavior. And the core understanding of NVC is that when we violate basic needs of others it will at the and does not serve any good to us either. As Rosenberg says: “You can say NO to other´s needs but the other person will most likely react to you in a way that is not in your best interest. But if you say the need behind the NO that´s less likely to happen.”

"If we do something under fear of punishment everybody pays for it" As we don´t do it willingly and joyfully. If we do something for someone unwillingly we will let the person to "pay for that". We will hate ourselves for doing it and hat the others that we have to do it for them (and that they show not enough gratitude). “Giving from heart” is when we enjoy the giving, the things we do, we enjoy the relationships and in the end we enjoy our life.

 "Everything what we do for reward, everybody pays for.

Everything we do to make people to like us, everybody pays for.

Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation, everybody pays for."

Instead of shearing (giving from heart) we play the game of "who´s right”, a game where everybody loses". "This game involves two of the most devious things human beings have ever come upon. That's punishment as if you are wrong you deserve to suffer”.  This approach NVC argues created already enough violence on the planet.

If the believe is that people are innately evil than "you think that the way to bring about change when people are behaving in a way you don´t like is to make people to hate themselves for what they´re doing." For this reason was developed language that Rosenberg calls "jackal language". "This language cuts us off from life and makes it very easy to be violent. Actually creates society where violence is enjoyed".

"Jackal language" (language of dominance, promoting violence) is:

•  language of moralistic judgements, think in terms of who´s right who´s wrong who´s good.

  • Thinking in the concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, normal and abnormal

• e.g. labeling someone (as… "idiot", "uncompetent"…)

• Language that denies choice and responsibility for the action

  • Amtssprache (amt = office so we can call it bureaucratic language): When german nazi Adolph Eichmann was during the trial asked, "Was it hard for you to send these tens of thousands of people to their death?" Eichmann replied, "To tell you the truth, it was easy. Our language made it easy. …it is language that deny responsibility for your actions"

    • ”Superior orders, company policy they made me do it. I could not do else".

  • Language that teaches (child) that you have to do something

• Language that imply that someone makes you feel… angry, hurt, …

• Judgments as: "He speaks to much" as we would know, have the right to decide what is the right amount of speaking.

Rosenberg points out that “Nonviolent Communication is not about speaking in a certain way but about speaking from certain point of view.” 

How to communicate in nonviolent way:

Basically by expressing how we are and what we would like – expressing our needs.

How to communicate about specific thing he/she (they) do and you do not like. Thing of someone who is doing something you do not like, doesn´t make your life wonderful.

1. Specify thing that you do not like what "this" person is doing.

o    The question is about "concrete behavior what is someone doing - observation".

·         Not an evaluation that implies wrongness (right and wrong). Sometimes we cannot separate Fact and Opinion.

·         Do not see the other as enemy - the image of enemy, the wrongness is a barrier for communication. This obscures reality as we do not see the behavior we see only enemy image.  We do not see (just) the person but (our) an image or judgement we have made.

·         Do not judge: "He speaks to much, to little". As if you have the right (you are the only one) to decide what is right, what is too much too little

§  Need to see the behavior (observation) separated from the judgement

§  "We tend to thing in the intentions of what is right, what is wrong, what is normal and abnormal, appropriate and inappropriate and we can´t see reality. All we see is our enemy images."

§  People get defensive if we mix in these judgements and do not address the actual issue

1. • Without judgement you will see (hear) that people, “human beings are only ever saying please and thank you”.

·         "Harsh judgements, criticism, judgements, blame are simply tragic suicidal expressions of please."

·          "Every evaluation of others that implies wrongness is a tragic expression of an unmet need."

§  Expressions like: "speaks loudly, yelling at me,.." are evaluations

§  Rosenberg shows difference between: "Student wound not stay seated" (judgement) vs "Student does not stay seated after I tell him to do so" (observation)

§  "Judgement decreases likelihood we get what we want" (even when we think that way it does not have to be spoken) "and it increases likelihood of violence"

·         "what could be more tragic than expressing ourselves in a way that get in a way of getting what we want"

2. Say (express) your NEED and request for action

o    That is how we evaluate in nonviolent communication

o    We evaluate from the heart

o    We make judgements, but we make need serving judgements

·         Judging whether what people are doing is meeting needs or not

§  Judging whether it is serving life or not because our (true) needs are direct connection with life.  Needs are the life seeking expression within us. So we evaluate with reference to that.

·         not moralistically judge the person for what they did

o    Requires two kinds of literacy: feelings and needs

·         Feeling: How do you feel when the other person does that?

§  Feelings: anger, scared, anxious, impatient, hurt, disappointed (I am disappointed X not You disappointed me), powerless, frustrating,

§  X following are not feelings (Resenberg gives examples): intimidated (it is something you thing other people are doing to you, not a feeling but diagnosis), I feel misunderstood, I feel used, I feel manipulated, I feel judged, I feel betrayed, I feel criticized, I feel ignored, I feel rejected

·         It is how you interpreting other person´s behavior

§  X not: "I am thinking…" but what you feel.

o    Do not use feelings in violent way (instead in connecting way):

·         X not: "I feel as I do it because of you." or "You make me feel… angry."  

·         X Feelings as instrument to use guilt as a way of manipulation people

§  Make people feel guilty to change their behavior

§  As: "It really hurts me when you do not clean up your room" or "it makes me angry when you say that".

o    Formulate the request (for action) with connection to your needs

Watch out for "non-feeling" words... It is important to choose words that really are feelings.  If you use words like "abandoned" or "misled" or "shunned" we can prevent ourselves from getting to the "REAL" feelings.  These "non-feeling" words are more like accusations or judgments than feelings [1]. 

[1] From: https://www.nycnvc.org/feelings

We have another nonviolent communication list that might also be of interest to you: a list of needs. The list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people. 

Nonviolent communication provide us with Why (reason) and How (method/approach) to understand and see others without judgements. In this way it is actually directly learning us too see and communicate with others without our biases (without our projection or fundamental attribution error or need to defend ourselves be confirmation that we are right).

The approach of NVC in nutshell:

Nonviolent communication (approach to others):
OBSERVATION (what is happening) -> OUR (His/Her) FELINGS -> OUR (His/Her) NEEDS -> REGUEST FOR ACTION

“Violent” communication (approach to others):
EVALUATION and JUDGEMENTS (often biased by our point of view) -> OUR THINKING (mostly making things up) -> OUR STRATEGY à OUR DEMANDS

Feelings give us information about whether my needs are being met. The problem is when I start rating feelings as good and bad. It's just information. We should get comfortable with unpleasant feelings.

The problem is when I start to evaluate the feeling rationally, and start blaming myself or others... "It's so-and-so's fault" "It's your fault" "It's my fault, I'm useless..."

Understanding and connection comes first and then the search for a strategy. „I connect before I correct“.

Feelings should be interpreted in terms of the needs (Needs). What needs are not being met in him/her (me) that this causes him/her (me) to feel this way? What need do I have? Connecting to my needs will give me more options and my strategies will better match those needs.

Reguests as little invitations to make my life more wonderful. If you say Yes I will be delighted, if you say NO I will be fine. "I am throwing a strategy in my request."

The language of dominance:

• Diagnosis (I'll tell you what's wrong with you "what is wrong with you and you need to get fixed")

• Demands (what you have to do, you have no choice) - power struggle (language: must, have to, should) Gives only two choices: rebel or submit (obey, succumb). When we take away a person's choice, it leads to disconnection

• Denial of choice ("I am just doing what I was told to do"), absolving yourself of responsibility

 Summary of Nonviolent communication:

• Objective: People give willingly, get everybody needs met.

• If someone does not give willingly (from the hart) than everyone pays for that. You and the others

• In the game “who is wrong who is right, reward and punishment, win or lose or controlling by gilt or shame” is a game where the need are not going to be met

• Separate fact and opinion (wrong/right, enemy image, judgement, moralization)

• Human beings are only ever saying please and thank you (not attacking us)

• Our feeling gives us information whether our needs are met or not

• Express your need. Formulate the request with connection to your needs (that will be fulfilled). Action language: what specific action we want this person to take and why (what my need will be served be that)

• Request is not a demand. The request gives freedom to choose.