A transformational experience

Parenthood is a huge transformation, a paradigm shift. When your baby is born, you are born as a parent and with that, a whole set of fears, excitement, and plenty of skills to learn. Yes, there are the technical skills that we develop as parents, and while I am not diminishing the value of changing a diaper in the middle of the night with the lights off, the internal traits and soft skills that we develop during parenthood are much more powerful.

I have a busy family life: kids in activities and school. I am in school and manage the household. I enjoy walking with other mothers when I have a rare spare moment. We are all trying to juggle a million things while keeping our heads above water.

Half-jokingly (and fully-aptly), some mothers call themselves momagers. These moms have gotten used to setting priorities, delegating when needed, and effectively getting things done before starting another task at what seems an impossibly fast rate.

While these skills will make good managers, the leadership traits developed during parenthood are also impressive. 

Expressing ideas with compassion and respect, and listening with the intent to understand are staples in parenthood lingo. Parenthood will force you to adopt a methodology that involves constant collaboration and continuous improvement at every stage, it makes you patient and nimble. Its value is not in the tasks you complete, but in your ability to inspire and move (your children) to be responsible people; its reward is quiet and slow, and you learn not to take criticism too seriously. As it happens, these are the very traits that the best leaders exhibit according to Forbes Magazine.

How does asking “why” can lead us into an “Aha! moment”  

Transformational learning, a theory first described by educational researcher Jack Mezirow in 1978 explains how creating a change of beliefs, attitudes, and assumptions will result in a perspective transformation for learners. It is an act of changing how we see and do things. 

In simple words, transformation starts with a disorienting event that challenges our assumptions; then, through critical reflection, logic, and reason we try to imagine what change might look like; Finally, we reformulate the meaning of the experience and reintegrate it into our life. 

Parenthood as a metaphor for emerging leadership skills.

Parenthood changed me, in that it made me vulnerable and humble.  Vulnerability and humility are two traits we associate with weakness. However, vulnerability is the COURAGE to take a risk when you can't control the outcome. Humility is the STRENGTH to admit you don't have all the answers. These traits are stressed by noted leadership scholar, Brene Brown, backed by her 25-year long research in vulnerability and shame. Brown points out that paired with continued self-examination, self-awareness, and empathy, vulnerability and humility make for excellent leadership traits.

Who are we as parents if not compassionate mentors and guides for our children, helping them navigate the world to develop to their fullest potential? We guide them, recognizing that fear of change and exposing vulnerabilities might lead to resistance. We overcome resistance with innovation and creativity.

As a society, we see change very differently than we used to. There is no illusion of stability anymore, with pandemics, wars, and rapid technological advances. Change is now seen as continuous, as a process that we have to ride, no longer seen as risky but as a fact and necessity (Rosenberg, 2010). Parenting prepares the future leader as it requires action, adapting, revising, and reshaping. We approach it by looking for our children’s potential and playing to their strengths. 

It is important to acknowledge that these changes in perspective are seldom linear, nor do they happen in a vacuum. Networking, debriefing, and sharing our experiences with other like-minded parents (and ones with minds of their own), help parents review a path that is often messy. Allowing ourselves to take the role of both mentor and mentee gives us a framework and the words to acknowledge personal growth. We need time and space to reflect, to see the relief and possibilities in understanding our imperfections. 

Our children can push our buttons, our patience can be depleted, and the mistakes we make open a door to self-reflection and encourage us to be responsive to change. “In this self-reflexive awareness, the mind observes and investigates experience itself, including the emotions” (Goleman, 1995, p.46, as cited by Rosenberg, 2010). Parenthood links emotion to our psychology and behavior, making it the ultimate transformative event.

Wouldn’t it be great if we as leaders could care as much about the humanity of our employees? If we could be highly empathetic instead of clinical and distant in our relationship? If we could, like Cooperrider et al (2003)* suggest, encourage change from a strength-based perspective because it is conducive to changing human systems (instead of ‘robotic’ corporations)? 

Conclusion

Transformational learning, although instinctual for some, can sound esoteric to others. Parents, beyond that first event that rocked our world, are constantly facing dilemmas. We talk, we reflect, we cry, and we stand back again; we make mistakes and we repair. We constantly seek improvement and integrate our past and future. Most importantly, we care, something that people in leadership would be wise to embrace. A myriad of articles on leadership skills suggests that leadership traits can be developed. I am further suggesting that these skills are forged during parenthood.