How you respond to yourself matters
How you respond to yourself matters
Most of us find it much easier to have compassion for someone else than for ourselves. When someone we care about makes a mistake or is going through something difficult, we can usually hold onto the bigger picture. We understand what they were dealing with, recognize that they are human, and know that one mistake doesn't tell us everything about who they are.
It can be much harder to offer ourselves that same perspective. When we make a mistake, struggle with something we think we should be able to handle, or don't live up to our own expectations, the response can become surprisingly harsh. You may notice thoughts like I should have known better, Why am I still struggling with this? or I need to get it together.
If this is familiar, it can be helpful to understand where that voice comes from and what it may have been trying to do for you.
Why we can be so hard on ourselves
Why we can be so hard on ourselves
Self-criticism often develops for a reason. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes brought criticism, disappointment, embarrassment, or conflict, you may have learned to watch yourself very closely. If achievement brought approval or helped you feel secure, pushing yourself may have become a way of making sure you continued to succeed. If you were frequently criticized by other people, learning to anticipate what they might notice about you could have given you some sense of control.
Over time, those strategies can become an internal voice that is constantly evaluating what you are doing and how well you are doing it. That voice may genuinely believe it is helping. It may push you because it is afraid you will fail without the pressure. It may replay mistakes because it wants to make sure you never make them again. It may compare you with other people because it is trying to figure out what you need to do differently to be accepted.
This is one reason simply trying to get rid of your inner critic doesn't always work. There may be a part of you that has relied on criticism for a very long time and isn't convinced that you will be okay without it. Becoming curious about that voice can help you understand what it is trying to accomplish and whether the way it is trying to help is actually helping anymore.
Your nervous system is part of the conversation
Your nervous system is part of the conversation
The way you speak to yourself can also affect what is happening in your nervous system. When something has already gone wrong and your internal response becomes What is wrong with me?, your brain may register even more threat at a time when you are already struggling.
This can create a difficult cycle. You feel anxious, ashamed, hurt, or overwhelmed, and then you become frustrated with yourself for feeling that way. Now your nervous system is responding both to the original situation and to the criticism coming from inside.
You may have experienced this when you couldn't stop worrying and then became angry with yourself for worrying, or when you were already hurt by something someone said and then started criticizing yourself for being too sensitive. Sometimes a large part of our suffering comes from what happened next, when we began judging ourselves for the way we responded to what happened.
Self-compassion gives us a way to soften that second layer. We can acknowledge that something is difficult and give ourselves enough room to understand what is happening before deciding what we need to do about it.
What self-compassion looks like
What self-compassion looks like
Psychologist Kristin Neff's research describes three elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Together, they offer a helpful way of thinking about how we can respond to ourselves during difficult moments.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness
Mindfulness begins with recognizing what is actually happening. You might notice that you are embarrassed, disappointed, angry, or afraid without immediately turning that feeling into a statement about who you are. There is a meaningful difference between noticing I'm feeling really insecure right now and concluding I'm an insecure person and there is something wrong with me.
Common Humanity
Common Humanity
Common humanity reminds us that struggle is part of being human. We all make mistakes, become overwhelmed, hurt people we care about, misunderstand situations, make decisions we later regret, and go through periods when we aren't functioning the way we would like. Remembering this can be especially important when shame begins telling us that everyone else has somehow figured out how to manage life better than we have.
Self-Kindness
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is the way we respond once we recognize that we are struggling. Think about the way you might talk with someone you care about who was sitting across from you describing the same situation. You probably wouldn't pretend that everything they did was okay, especially if they had hurt someone or made a choice they regretted. You would probably help them understand what happened while still remembering that they are a whole person who deserves care.
What about accountability?
What about accountability?
Some people become uncomfortable with self-compassion because being hard on themselves has been closely connected with taking responsibility. There can be a fear that if the criticism stops, motivation will disappear with it.
It may help to notice what actually happens when shame becomes very strong. Sometimes we become so focused on what a mistake says about us that we have less capacity to look honestly at what happened. We become defensive, avoid thinking about it, replay it endlessly, or get stuck trying to prove to ourselves that we aren't a bad person.
Compassion can make it easier to tolerate looking at something we wish we had done differently. You can recognize that you hurt someone, understand what was happening inside you at the time, and decide how you want to handle a similar situation in the future. You can regret a decision without needing that decision to become a judgment about your entire character.
This allows responsibility to lead somewhere. There is room to apologize, repair, learn, change a pattern, or make a different choice next time.
Try borrowing the voice you use with someone you love
Try borrowing the voice you use with someone you love
If offering yourself compassion feels unfamiliar, it can be easier to begin with someone else.
Think about something you have been criticizing yourself about recently. Now imagine that someone you genuinely care about is sitting with you and telling you the same story. They made the same mistake. They are worried about the same thing. They feel embarrassed about exactly what you feel embarrassed about.
What would you want them to understand?
You might still encourage them to take responsibility for something. You might help them see a pattern they need to work on or talk through what they could do differently. At the same time, you would probably take into account what they were feeling, what they knew at the time, and what else was happening in their life. Most importantly, you would still be able to see the person sitting in front of you as more than the thing they are struggling with.
Notice what happens when you try to extend some of that understanding toward yourself. If it feels awkward or uncomfortable, you don't have to force it. Even noticing that compassion is easier to offer other people can tell you something important about the relationship you have developed with yourself.
A self-compassion practice
A self-compassion practice
The next time you notice yourself moving into shame or self-criticism, spend a moment identifying what is happening before you try to fix it.
You might start with something simple: I'm having a really hard time with this, or I'm noticing how embarrassed I feel about what happened. Give yourself a moment to recognize the experience you are actually having.
Then consider whether you can make some room for being human in the situation. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you reacted from fear. Maybe you are struggling with something that other people struggle with too. You don't need to minimize what happened in order to remember that there is a human being underneath it.
From there, ask yourself what would actually be helpful. You might need comfort, time to settle down, a conversation with someone you trust, an apology, a boundary, or a plan for handling something differently next time. Sometimes the compassionate response is simply allowing yourself to rest instead of continuing to push through something when you are depleted.
With practice, this creates a little more space between having a painful experience and turning that experience into a judgment about yourself.
Something to notice
Something to notice
Over the next few days, pay attention to the way you speak to yourself when something doesn't go well. You may notice that your inner critic becomes louder in certain situations, such as making a mistake, feeling rejected, comparing yourself with someone else, disappointing someone, or falling short of your own expectations.
Rather than immediately trying to change the voice, get curious about it. Notice the words it tends to use and what it seems most concerned about. You can also consider where you first learned to speak to yourself this way. Sometimes our internal voice carries messages we heard repeatedly from parents, teachers, partners, peers, or other important people in our lives. Other times, we created that voice ourselves because being demanding felt like the best way to stay safe, successful, or accepted.
Understanding where the voice came from can help you decide how much influence you want it to have now.
Reflect
Reflect
Think about something you have been hard on yourself about lately and write down what you have been telling yourself about it. Try to capture the actual words your mind uses.
Then imagine someone you deeply care about telling you the same story. Write down what you would say to them and what you would want them to understand about what happened.
Look at the two responses together.
What do you notice about the difference between them? Is there anything you offered the other person that you have been withholding from yourself? Is there a way of understanding your own situation that still allows you to be responsible for your choices while giving yourself some of the patience and perspective you would naturally offer someone you love?
Self-compassion overlaps with several of the other skills in the Understand Yourself section of the Growth Library. Noticing Self can help you recognize a self-critical thought before it becomes the whole story about who you are. Parts of Self can help you become curious about the part of you that pushes, criticizes, compares, or expects perfection and begin to understand what it may be trying to protect. Values Compass can help you consider how you want to respond when something hasn't gone the way you hoped.
As you practice these skills, you may begin to notice that understanding yourself creates more room for change. When you can stay curious about what happened and what you needed in that moment, you have more information to work with the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
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