Reverse

“Reverse”

My name’s Cielo, I’m 16 and 2 years ago I found something out about myself that is very, very detrimental. I can’t talk to anyone about it, but the more I dwell on it, the more it eats away at me from the inside out. And I’m laying in bed, nothing but bones, but still I somehow can’t help but think about this thing inside of me. I know if I came out my mental health would be so much better, maybe even my life. But why come out when no one would accept me, my parents would kick me out, and I’d become another statistic, “56% of straight youth experience homelessness.”

I wake up. The clock reads 3:30 AM. Another nightmare. I try to put myself back to sleep but the image of being bullied and beaten haunts me. I know I have to sleep, I have school tomorrow, but I can’t. And so, I stay awake, staring at the ceiling and now it’s 5:30 AM. I decide to start my day early and take a shower to clear my mind. The hot steam fogging up the bathroom envelopes me in warmth that I haven’t felt in such a long time. If someone finds out about me being straight, everyone’s gonna hate me, I think to myself. This is something that has the potential of ruining my life.

After my shower, I walk into the kitchen to find my moms making breakfast.

“Morning mamá, morning mom.” I say giving them both kisses on their cheek.

“Morning mija, sleep well?” My mom replied.

“Yeah of course, better than ever!” I exclaimed, almost too sarcastically.

It’s around 7:30 AM by the time I’m done eating and talking to my moms and I have to leave to get to school on time. I say goodbye to my moms and walk out of the house. On my way to school I meet up with my friends; Spencer, Jesse, Jade, and Roux. We joke around with each other, making fun of each other out of love and for those short 10 minutes I put all my thoughts and worries aside and had fun.

Walking through the doors of our school and seeing happy couples made my stomach turn. Why can’t I have that? Why can’t I just like girls? I think to myself. My friends and I split up and walk to our classes. Spencer and I walk to our first period class and she’s talking my ear off about her crush; how she’s so cute and would do anything to go on a date with her.

“I’m telling you Cielo, she’s fucking gorgeous!”

“Is she now? I wanna see for myself”

“No,” she laughs, “You’re just gonna make fun of me!”

“I won’t Spenc, you know it.”

“It’s someone you know and that’s all I’m telling you!”, I dramatically sigh and we laugh about it, and the conversation’s left at that. She’s so lucky that she has normal feelings for someone, for a girl.

We’re 30 minutes into class and I can’t stop staring at my crush. His name is Tohono, he’s really tall and has long flowy hair. And just like Spencer, I’d do anything to go out on a date with him. He’s most likely not even straight, so my chances with him are slim to none. If only I’d have been born like a normal person, I’d have crushes on girls like every other girl on the planet.”

At lunch I meet with my friends out on the quad. I notice that Jesse’s a lot more quiet than usual and seems to be in his head. I texted him asking what’s up and if he’s okay.

“I’m fine, just thinking :)”, he replies and sends a smile my way.

“u sure? u can always talk to me...”

“positive, thnx tho..”, and we left it at that. The rest of lunch was spent teasing Spencer about her newfound “love of her life” as she likes to say. Suddenly the teasing’s aimed at me and I’m being interrogated.

“Do you have a crush on anyone, Cielo?” Roux asked me, playfully elbowing my side.

“No,” I laughed it off, “Not right now at least.” I shrug.

“So you’re telling us you don’t have your eyes on not one girl?! That’s absurd! What kind of teenage girl are you!?” Jade jokes.

“Shut up Jade!” I giggle, lightly shoving her. I thought the conversation was over as we all ate in silence for a while until Spencer said, “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me your’s!” Everyone in the group started “Oohing.”

“I just told you guys that I don’t have a crush on anyone right now...”

“Fine...” Spencer sighs, rolling her eyes.

After school, as I’m walking to my locker I see Tohono. He’s talking to some guy I can’t help but think is his boyfriend so I walk past him, trying to forget that I ever saw him. I turn the corner and I see Jesse standing anxiously by my locker.

“There you f---ing are, it took you long enough!” He practically yells.

“Hey to you too a--hole.”

“Can I come over to your house? I need someone to talk to...”

“Yeah, of course!” I gather my things and we head out the doors. Making our way back to my place was unbearably awkward. Jesse’s usually quiet but he can keep a conversation going if he has to. I can tell something’s wrong.

We’re met with my moms watching TV in the living room. They greet us and tell us there’s food in the fridge. We make our way to my room after grabbing snacks, laughing at how much we grabbed, knowing we’re not gonna finish it all. We sit and eat, talking about school and the huge amount of work our teachers have assigned us.

“Can I tell you something Cielo?” He abruptly says, changing the topic.

“Always.”

“Promise you won’t tell anyone else?”

“Promise.”

“I-I think I’m straight.” He mumbles. I’m left speechless. He’s straight, I’m not the only one... I think to myself.

“Cielo..? Are you mad at me?”

I’m taken out of my thoughts, “Of course not why would I be?”

“I don’t know, are you okay with it?” He eagerly asks.

“Obviously,” I giggled, “Love is love!” Jesse smiles the biggest I’ve ever seen him smile and he attacks me with a huge hug. “Thanks, Cielo.” He sobs into my shoulder. I nod and rub his back. We’re sat on the floor for a while before I speak up and say something.

“My turn,” I whisper, “Can I tell you something”

“What’s up?” He says, wiping his tears.

“I think I have a crush on this g-”

“So you lied to us?” He cuts me off. “What a great f---ing friend you are!” he laughs.

“..On a guy?!” I continued. Jesse was no longer laughing and his face dropped.

“Wow, so you’re straight too?”

“Something like that I guess?” I shrug.

“Am I the first person to know?”

I nod. He pulls me into another long hug and I feel like all the emotion is swept out of my body. I feel numb. Not an ounce of happiness or relief in me.

Jesse leaves after we help each other with our homework. I go downstairs to have dinner with my parents. I’m asked the usual, “How was school?”

I reply with the same “Fine.”

Dinner’s filled with laughs and gossip about tias and primos. After dinner I go take a shower. I can’t believe I did that shit. I really came out to Jesse. The scene replays over and over in my head. And for a while I contemplate spontaneously coming out to my parents because of how easy it was coming out to Jesse. But I figured it could go worse and I could be disowned. As far as I know my parents claim that they’re accepting and love people no matter what, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. But would they be that accepting when it comes to their own daughter? Their only daughter?

For the third night in a row I can’t sleep. I’m kept awake by the thought of being bullied by people at school for being straight. Last time someone came out, all the heterophobic people at school bullied them to the point that they had to not only transfer schools, but move out of town. It’s things like that that keep from coming out to people. If it could happen to that poor girl, why couldn’t it happen to me?

This morning is just like every other morning. Except I’m not as tired as usual because I got four hours of sleep instead of two. Baby steps. I get a notification on my phone, it’s a text from Jesse.

“Morning cielo hru?” It reads.

“Okay,” I text back. “how about u?”

“Okay. thanks for being so supportive.. proud of you btw!”

“Proud of u too, always am!”

“:)) see you at school later”

“Cya!” I respond. I can’t shake this dumb smile off my face. I put my phone down and finish getting ready for school.

I leave the house and as usual I meet up with my friends. As soon as Jesse and I make eye contact we run to each other’s arms, it’s like a cheesy teenage movie but it’s perfect.

“What the hell’s up with you two?” Spencer asks.

“Shut up they’re in love dumba--...” Roux jokes.

“Ooh,” Spencer laughs. “That explains the heterosexuality that’s practically oozing from them.” Little do they know, heterosexuality is oozing from us. As usual, Cielo gushes about her crush and Jade and Roux are arguing over some TV show. Jesse and I trail behind, I tell him about Tohono and he tells me about some girl he likes that he met at the library after school.

“I kind of wanna tell the others but I’m scared of their reactions...” Jesse says.

“Don’t do it until you’re ready, if you decide to do it I’m behind you every step of the way.” Jesse smiles and wraps his arm around me.

“You’re the best” He says.

“I know.” I say cockily. We walk in silence the rest of the way there.

Spencer and I walk to class together and once again, she’s talking about her crush. I nod and hum, pretending I’m paying attention when in reality her words are going in one ear out the other. We meet Tohono in front of the door and he holds it open for us, shooting us a cute smile. As we walk into class we realize that our teacher is assigning new seats, which means Spencer and I aren’t sitting next to each other anymore which honestly doesn’t sound too bad. He sits Tohono and I next to each other. Great... Now I won’t be able to focus.

“Hey partner!” He exclaims

I laugh. “Hey.” Our teacher makes us do icebreakers to get to know our new partners. Tohono and I spend the whole class period bonding over our favorite artists and TV shows. He’s perfect.

“It’s only right that we exchange numbers. You know, if we need help?” He says.

“Yeah, of course!” I exclaim, almost too enthusiastically.

At lunch, the only person I can scream about this to is Jesse. I tell him that Tohono and I sit next to each other now and that I have his number. I’m practically jumping up and down and screaming, letting the whole world know.

“You need to be quiet. You don’t know who could be listening, Cielo.” He whispers, calming me down.

“You’re right.” I say, a little more quietly.

We meet with the rest of our friends and sit in our usual spot. This time I grill Spencer about her crush, poking fun at her whenever she starts to blush and stumble over her words.

“I’m not telling anyone, you’ll all make fun of me!”

“We won’t!” We all say in sync.

“Sure... if you guys say so.”

“So are you gonna tell us?” Jade asks.

“No, of course not!”

Two girls come up behind me. Roux and Jesse point them out to me. Emma and Rue. The school’s intimidating, iconic couple.

“Can we talk to you?” Emma asks. I look around at my friends, searching for answers. Jade nods yes.

“Yeah sure what’s up?” I say turning around to look at them again.

“Come with us,” Rue smiles. I leave my stuff with my friends and get up and follow them. Emma leads us across the quad where all the obnoxious, loud kids hang out. I immediately see Tohono, he’s one of the few “popular” kids that I can tolerate.

“We know how you feel about Tohono,” My mouth drops. “We heard you talking to your friend.”

“W-what? What do you mean?” I say, my voice shaky.

“Don’t act dumb, we know you’re straight.” The sentence echoed over and over again in my head.

“You can’t tell anyone. Please!” I plead.

“You’re disgusting, you’re going to hell!” They walk away and my stomach turns, I feel sick.

I make my way back to my friends, avoiding looking up at anyone. Fearing that anyone could have overheard the conversation. I sit down and my friends eagerly look at me, expecting me to give them a rundown on what happened. I lie and say they needed help with something for a class we had together and I left it at that. The bell rings and we all leave to go to our next classes and I get a text from Jesse.

“You good? you seemed a little shaken up”

“I’m fine. meet me after school?” I respond almost immediately, I can barely type from shaking so much.

“ofc!”

After school, I meet Jesse at my locker and we decide to go to the library to do work. Once we get there, I tell him what Emma and Rue told me.

“They’re probably gonna tell the whole fucking school! My life is ruined!”

“You’ll be fine Cielo, don’t let them get to you.” He reassures me.

“Tohono’s gonna find out and he’s gonna be so disgusted by me.”

“Don’t say that Cielo. Just because Emma and Rue are heterophobic assholes doesn’t mean everyone is, especially Tohono. Besides, you have me, and Jade, and Roux, and Spencer. We got you.”

I smile. But I can’t stop thinking about how this is going to ruin my life.

I rush home after leaving the library. I don’t even say hi to my moms, I race passed them and go to my room and lock the door. I get a text from someone. It’s Tohono. “Is it true?” He asks, very ominously. Although I’m certain I know what he’s talking about

“Is what true?” I play dumb.

“You liking me...” I leave him on read. This can’t be happening. Emma and Rue have probably already told the whole school. My friends already probably know too. My life is ruined.

I didn’t sleep all night. My nightmares are becoming reality. I go downstairs and immediately ask my moms if I can skip school. They both say no because I’ll fall behind in my classes. I go upstairs and much to my dismay I start getting ready for school. I sit on my bed and overthink everything. My friends are gonna hate me. I’m gonna get bullied. My parents are gonna find out and kick me out.

As usual, I meet up with my friends and they’re all their usual loud selves. I trail behind everyone, with my headphones in, trying to drown out their voices. I didn’t realize anyone was talking to me until Roux tapped me on the shoulder and I realized everyone had stopped walking. I take my headphones out and listen.

“We heard about you.. you know.. liking Tohono.” Jade says. I look down, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I’m close to tears.

“You know we accept you, and we love you right? You could’ve told us.” Spencer says reassuringly. I nod.

“Does everyone know? Like everyone at school?” I mumble.

Jesse sighs. “Pretty much, Emma and Rue posted it all over Twitter and Instagram. I heard she even texted Tohono and told him personally.”

“Yeah, he texted me last night asking if it was true, I left him on read.”

“I’m gonna kill them!” Jade says, I don’t know if she’s joking or not but I appreciate it anyway.

“Have you told your parents?” Roux asked.

“No, I don’t know how to. I’m scared of their reactions.”

“You know you got us, we’re here for you Cielo.” Spencer says. They all pull me into a group hug and we continue our route to school. Maybe school won’t be so bad after all.

As soon as we walked through the doors I could feel the tension. Everyone was staring at me and looking at me like I was a monster. I want to do nothing more than go home and wrap myself in blanket. My friends stayed by my side until we got to my locker, and we split up to go to class. Spencer threatened to fight anyone that breathed in our direction but that still didn’t stop people from shouting rude names at me. Straightie is one of the many that stood out to me. We walked into class and I saw Tohono whip his head around to look at the door. Seeing him made my stomach turn, I felt nauseous. That’s the first time that’s happened, usually I get butterflies. I slowly make my way over to my seat and people in class aren’t even trying to hide the disgusted looks on their faces as they look at me. When I sit down I turn back to look at Spencer and she gives me a reassuring nod and a smile, hopefully I can make it through this period.

“Hey,” Tohono whispers. “So, is it true?”

“Well, kind of. I mean, yeah.”

“O-ok.” And the conversation ends at that. We don’t speak for the rest of the period.

As soon as the bell rings to go to lunch I rush to meet up with Roux and Jade and we walk to our usual spot together. At this point, the glares and rude remarks shouldn’t even phase me because I hear them everywhere I go but I can’t ignore them.

We sit down and Jade says, “Here come the two assholes.”

I try to subtly turn around but apparently it’s obvious because as soon as I see Emma and Jade and try to turn around they say hi to me in the sweetest voice as if they hadn’t just gotten the whole school to hate me.

“Hey Cielo! How are you?” Emma asks in her fake, high pitched voice. I ignored them and Roux told them to fuck off. They don’t leave though. Instead they sit down in our circle.

“So are we just gonna pretend you didn’t just make the entire school hate Cielo or?” Spencer asks.

“What are you talking about?” Emma and Rue ask in sync.

“Don’t play innocent, you guys know what you did!” Spencer retaliates. Emma and Rue completely ignore Spencer seeing as they laughed and got up to leave without saying a word.

“Holy shit, I really hate them.” Spencer fumed.

“We all do.” Jesse added.

As soon as the last bell rings I head straight towards the front of the school and I walk straight through the double doors. I don’t even go to my locker to pick things up that I need for homework, all I can think of is getting home and going straight to bed. Everyone stared at me as I walked by, except one person. Tohono and I make eye contact for a bit until he looks away and starts walking with Violet, his best friend. I put in my headphones and keep my head down, avoiding everyone and everything.

Before I can even say hi to my moms I go straight to my room hoping that they didn’t see me. I don’t even bother changing my clothes before I throw myself onto my bed and scream into a pillow. I try to force myself to sleep, but before I can there’s a knock on my door.

“Cielo,” I heard Mamá say. “¿Estás bien? I heard you scream.” She slightly opens the door and peeks her head in.

“Come in.” I whisper. She comes and sits on my bed, rubbing my back. It’s quiet and peaceful for a while until she asks, “So? Are you okay.”

“I don’t know,” I mutter. “Not really.”

“Clearly, you’re not okay then. Talk to me about it mija.” Her words sounded comforting and reassuring but I couldn’t bring it in me to talk about it, not yet.

“I can’t, you and Mom will hate me.”

“We could never hate you Cielo, what makes you think that?” She protested.

“Everyone at school already does.” I sulked. I pull the blankets over my head and it’s quiet again.

“When you’re ready you know where to find Mom and I.” She rubbed my leg through the blanket. I heard the door close, letting me know that I was now alone.

I decide to go down for dinner to try to get my mind off things, at least for a little bit. I’m quieter than usual but my parents don’t question it. They talk amongst themselves until I decide to break my silence and speak up.

“Promise me you won’t hate me.” I say quietly. They both turn to look at me.

“We could never hate you.” My mom replied.

“Ok.. um,” I take a deep breath, I’m really doing this. “I’m straight.” It’s quiet for a few seconds before Mamá speaks up.

“You can’t be straight, we didn’t raise you like this mija.” She says, not even looking at me.

“I’m sure it’s just a phase Cielo, you’ll get over it.” My mom spoke up, her was shaking. I sat in silence for a while before I decided to get up and walk to my room.

As soon as I entered the room I bursted into tears. I threw myself onto my bed and let my tears stain my pillow. This can’t be happening to me. I thought to myself. Mamá’s words replayed over and over again in my head, We could never hate you Cielo. My room was filled with white noise, aside from the occasional sniffles and muffled sobs.

I didn’t get sleep at all the previous night. The reoccurring nightmare kept me up and on top of that I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened over dinner. I don’t even bother going downstairs for breakfast, instead I pass time in my room until it’s time that I leave to meet up with my friends. I grab my backpack and my headphones before I leave my room, I practically sprint down the stairs and past my moms.

“Bye Cielo.” I hear Mom say before I rush out the house, avoiding any type of contact with them.

As usual I meet up with my friends and Jesse immediately knows something’s up.

“Hey Cielo, are you good?”

“Fine,” my voice comes out hoarse, “Just tired is all!” I smiled. By the look on Jesse’s face he doesn’t seem to buy it, he simply looks me in the eyes and gives me The Look. I ignore it and walk the rest of the way drowning out the world, listening to music. As much as I tried I couldn’t get it out of my head, the moment replaying over and over again. I wince every time I picture my parents’ faces. It hurts to know that they’ll never accept me for who I am, but I know I can overcome it.

Being at school isn’t any better than being at home. I’m still getting stared at and people talk amongst themselves about me. Spencer stays by my side the entire way to our class. I walk through the halls, not once looking up at anyone or anything. We walk into the classroom and the first person I see is Tohono. He’s sitting down, unpacking his materials for class as I pull out my chair. He looks up and half smiles at me, it seemed forced.

“Hey Cielo,” he said, avoiding eye contact, “How are you?”

“Fine, I guess. What about you?”

“Okay.” He looks like he’s thinking about something, but I decided not to ask. He probably wouldn’t say anything anyway.

The last bell of the day rings, dismissing us from school. I start walking towards my locker when I feel someone tap my shoulder; it’s Tohono.

“Can we talk, Cielo?” He asks, walking by my side.

“About?”

“Everything.”

“I guess.” We arrive at my locker and it’s quiet as I pack my stuff into my backpack. Everyone keeps staring at us, even Tohono’s best friend Violet.

“What are you doing with her?” She tries to keep her voice down but I still heard her.

“Just talking.”

“Well are you done? Let’s go.” She walks away and Tohono follows suit.

“I’ll text you.” He mouths and he leaves with Violet.

I arrive at home and my parents are sitting in the dining room. Mamá gestures for me to sit and my heart drops. “They’re gonna kick me out.” I think to myself. I put my bag down and sit. I’m getting jittery and anxious, the silence isn’t helping.

“We need to talk, mija.” Mamá says softly.

“Alright.” My voice shakes. It goes quiet again and my mind is racing.

Mom breaks the silence. “We’re not heterophobic, we just don’t agree with your lifestyle.” I sit for a while, trying to process what Mom just said. Lifestyle. Being straight isn’t a lifestyle. I didn’t choose to be straight, just like Mamá and Mom didn’t choose to be gay. I was born like this. I get up without saying anything and storm to my room.

I get a text from Tohono. I start getting anxious again. He could’ve said anything, I can’t stop overthinking it. I finally decide to open the text, my hands start shaking.

“Now can we talk?” It reads.

“Yeah of course.”

“I’m straight too, I can’t tell anyone though. Not even my parents, they’re really heterophobic…” My jaw drops. Tohono’s straight too? There’s no way.

“I’m sorry to hear that, mine are too.”

“Have you told them?” He asks.

“Yeah, yesterday. earlier they told me they don’t agree with my lifestyle.”

“That sucks. I hope everything works out for you. See you tomorrow.”

Before I had left to walk to school I did everything in my power to avoid my parents. I wasn’t avoiding them because I was scared, but because I was angry. My moms had always expressed their support for the straight community, it made me feel safe, but now that they’ve showed their true colors by not accepting me, I don’t feel so safe anymore. I met up with my friends again and told them everything, everything except Tohono coming out. It isn’t my place to out him, especially since he isn’t ready. They all reassured me and made me feel loved, the love that I was lacking from my parents.

When Spencer and I got class Tohono was nowhere in sight. I hope he’s okay. I thought to myself. I was snapped out of my daydream when I heard the door slam shut. Tohono entered the classroom with a pass from the office. We shared a smile as he sat down, unpacking his materials.

“Can I hang out with you and your friends at lunch?” He asks.

“Yeah, of course!” I smile at him.

Roux, Jade, and I are on our way to meet up with the rest and we see Tohono. He joins us in walking to our spot and jokes around with us on the way there. When we arrive and we sit in our little circle I make sure to take it all in and enjoy every little moment. I’m looking around at each of their faces, admiring all of my friends. My sexuality isn’t a problem to them, they treat me the same way the did before I was outed. If only my parents could do the same. I’m not going to beg and change myself for their approval, I’m going to unapologetically be me whether they like it or not. My sexuality wasn’t a choice and I can’t change it.