1ST - NORMAN KEMPSON - 104 POINTS
2ND - MIKE THORPE - 97 POINTS
3RD - PETER BELLANTI - 93 POINTS
WEEK 1
1st - Ian Campbell - Very sad to report that 6 days into self-isolation and it's upsetting to see my wife standing at the window gazing aimlessly into space, tears running down her cheeks, It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have even considered letting her in.
2nd - Mike Thorpe - A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady replied, l need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist 's eyes got big and he explained, Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail, all kinds of bad things will happen, Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked looked at the picture and said, You didn't tell me you had a prescription
3rd - Rob Kempson - As a trucker stops for a red light on the A12 in Essex a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it he says,............ "Hi, my name is Wayne, it's winter and I'm driving a bloody gritter......."
WEEK 2
1st - Mike Thorpe - A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was a problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show" look, it's not the same hat! Or "look he's hiding the flowers under the table," Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades? The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, OK, l give up. Where have you hid the ship?
2nd - Peter Bellanti - Gert and Fanny met up at allotment, Fanny said “Hello Gert, sorry to hear about your Fred. What on earth happened?” Gert answered “ He was getting a cabbage for our Sunday dinner and just fell over and that was the end of him - DEAD” Fanny said “ Blimey what did you do?” Gert said “ I HAD TO OPEN A TIN OF PEAS “
3rd - Sandra Worthington - A family are sitting round the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad how many different kinds of boobs are there" The father, surprised answers “Well son, a woman goes through 3 phases. In her 20s a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s they are still nice but hang a bit. After 50 they are like onions. "Onions" the son asks, yes says the father, you see them and they make you cry. This infuriates the wife and daughter. The daughter asks Mom "How many different types of willies are there. The mother smiles and says "Well dear, a man also has 3 phases. In the 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and firm. Then in his 30s & 40s it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it like Christmas tree, "A Christmas tree his daughter asks. Yes "Dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration"
WEEK 3
1st - Norman Kempson - An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First thing, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
2nd - Peter Bellanti - A couple in their late 70’s decided to consult a doctor on whether they could have another child. Doctor was surprised but said that recent scientific developments had improved prospects. He couldn’t commit himself until husband had provided a semen sample, so he gave them a jar and asked them to return in 2 days with sample Two days later, they went back to the doctor with an empty jar, apologising profusely.“I tried my right hand” he told the doctor” and then my left hand” “my wife tried her right hand and then her left hand” "She even took her teeth out but we still couldn’t get the lid off”
3rd - Bill Winn - Little Jonny was leading a cow through the village when he was stopped by the mayor. “What are you doing?” he asked. Little Jonny replied “I’m taking the cow to the bull so she can get pregnant “The mayor washorrified. “Shouldn’t your father be doing that?” he said. Little Jonny thought for awhile “Naa best leave it to the bull”
WEEK 4
1st - Norman Kempson - Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said; “Watson look up to the sky and tell me what you see,” Watson replied “I see millions of stars.” Holmes said:”And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there and there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent.”
2nd - Rob Kempson - A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
“I'm sorry, your duck has passed away”. The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure”? "Yes, I am sure .Your duck is dead “, replied the vet. "How can you be so sure”, she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room .He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat .The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck”.
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced an Invoice which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the Invoice. “£1,500” she cried! £1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead”!
The vet shrugged. “I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the Invoice would have been £20,
but with the Lab Report, and the CAT scan, it's now £1,500”!
3rd - Doug Clark - - a young man was walking to a bus stop, he saw a new tennis ball in the gutter ,he picked it up ,bounced it and caught it a couple of times, then put it in his trouser pocket. At the bus stop he had his hand on the ball, an elderly woman was watching him, she said “young man have you got a problem down there? He replied "ho no I've got a tennis ball" she said""you must be in a lot of pain, because I had a tennis elbow once.
WEEK 5
1st (Joint) - Roy Turner - It’s the World Cup final, and a man finds his seat right next to the pitch,He sits down noticing that the seat next to him is empty, He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there,No says the neighbour the seat is empty.This is incredible said the man.Who in their right mind would have a seat as good as this and not use it.The neighbour says well actually the seat belongs to my wife we have not missed a final for 40 years but unfortunately she passed away . Sorry to hear that said the man could you not let a family member or friend have the seat ,No he replied they are all at the funeral.
1st (Joint) - Malcolm Painter - – (Note a couple of words have been changed by the censor)Passenger taps His Taxi Driver on the Shoulder. The Driver screams, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. “Flip Me, You’re jumpy aren’t You? l only tapped You on the shoulder. “Sorry,” say the Cabbie. It’s My first Day. I’ve been Driving a flipping Hearse for the last 20 years”.
1st (Joint) - Mike Bill - Army Sargent "didn't see you at the camouflage training this morning". Soldier "thank you sir ".
1st (Joint) - Norman Kempson - During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.” The teacher fainted…
WEEK 6
1st - Norman Kempson - On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything
2nd (Joint)- Roy Turner - There was an elderly couple who In their old age noticed that they we’re getting a lot more forgetful, So they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told the husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. You might want to write it down she said. The husband said no I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream. She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. Write it down she told him and again he said no I can remember you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Write it down she told her husband and again he said no I’ve got it you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen over thirty minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast.?”
2nd -( Joint) - Bill Winn - Mick had reached the million pound question on Millionaire but he was stuck. Having a life line of Phone-a-friend, he decided to ring Paddy. “Paddy which bird doesn’t build a nest A sparrow B robin C pigeon D cuckoo?” Straight away Paddy says “Cuckoo 100%” Mick won the million. Meeting Paddy next day, he asked how he knew the answer. “That was easy” said Paddy “Everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks!”
WEEK 7 -
1st - Peter Bellanti - A nun badly needing the ladies walked into Weatherspoon. The place was buzzing with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time lights went out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the drinkers saw the nun, the pub went silent. She walked up to the barman and asked “can I please use the loo” the barman replied”ok but I should warn you there is a statue of a naked man with only a fig leaf””well in that case,I will look the other way” said the nun She went to the loo and when she came back out, the whole place burst into applause. She went to the barman and said “ I don’t understand why they are clapping. Is it cause I went to the loo?” “Well they know you are one of us, would like a drink?” “No thank you, but I still don’t understand” she said looking puzzled. “You see” laughed the barman”every time someone lifts the fig leaf on statue, the lights go out” “How about a drink?”
2nd - Bryan Coburn - The story of Adam and Eve has become slightly mistold over the years.As it happens,Eve was created first and God gave her 3 breasts .But after a while she complained that she was in some pain because they kept bumping against each other, so he agreed to take the middle one away.Time passed and eve began to get bored so she asked god if he could make her someone to play with."Of course" replied God. "I will call him man... Now where did I put that useless t-t ?"
3rd= - Norman Kempson - Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
3rd= - Mike Thorpe - 2 babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, are you a little girl or a little boy? the other baby shrugs, I don't know how to tell the difference, I do says the first baby, and he climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few seconds he resurfaces. Your a little girl, and I'm a little boy he says, how can you tell?. Easy, You've got pink booties, and I've got blue ones.
3rd= - Val Hewitt - A bear walks into a bar and says “ Give me a whisky and**************cola”. “Why the big pause” asks the bartender. The bear shrugs “ I’m not sure; “ I was born with them”!!
WEEK 8 -
1st = -Bryan Coburn - A simple man accused of stalking a beautiful young girl was told he would have to line up in an identity parade. When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly, "That's her !"
1st = - Mike Thorpe - Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. “Paddy replies, - l'll take Mary with me!"
2nd = - Rob Kempson - Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3." O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second". "I will never use this bar again". "OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
2nd = - Norman Kempson - Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry. “Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me…” A minute later, Seamus arrives at the cliff. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “paper bag”. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejasus, that parrotshootin’ is also too dangerous for me.” A few minutes later, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the same result as the other two men. Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Acchh, first there was Gerry wit’ his budgie jumping, then Seamus parrotshootin’ and now this hen gliding…”