3. Key Members

Stewart Sturrock

aka Strut, Strutty, Strutter

Mother Club - The Mighty Citadel CC

Age - Physically 50ish; Mentally 10

Current Position:- Being devoured by his own ego

Likes:- Big bazongas

Dislikes:- Getting caught doing 69 in a 50

Infallability Level As Skip - On a par with the Pope

Attempts per season to court popularity - 0

Curling Likes:- Competitions with prize money/winning

Curling Dislikes:- Paying competition entry fees on time/losing

Currently working on first draft of "Curling Tactics for Dummies"

Past-President Martin Gordon

Background:- Direct descendant of Flash Gordon

Note:- Dale Arden's quote in the original movie should read: "Flash, Flash, I love you, but is there any chance of a bleedin' guard?"

Not related to Lord George Gordon, the fanatical anti-catholic and leader of the 1780 Gordon riots,

who converted to Judaism late in life and died in Newgate prison praising the French Revolution.

Or Judah Leib Gordon, the nineteenth-century Russian novelist who wrote in classical Hebrew.

Likes sex (infrequent), winning at curling (frequent) and ordering rounds of malt whisky when getting rubbered (weekly).

Only member of Loch Ness 2 who can remember having a fringe.

Note:- following an e-mail seeking clarification, the reference to "Martin Gordon" and "getting rubbered" in the same sentence is completely unrelated to the content described in www.getrubbered.com

Graham Thomson

Hairdresser who skis

Mother Club - Kingsmills Sea Angling and Fishing Club Curling Club

Distinguishing Features:- always pricking about with his glasses before throwing

Current Position:- Tosser (though former third)

Likes:- in-turns; strikes

Dislikes:- trying to read split times without his glasses on

Additional Roles - putting up with Gallacher's whinging if stone 1 not perfect

President - Gary Warburton

Unique Loch Ness member in that he encouraged his wife to join Loch Ness

Age:- Within acceptable levels

Nickname:- Five iron (though he now resembles a mashie niblick)

Other Roles:- Inverness Golf Club Committee Member

Fantasy:- getting the well heeled hackers of IGC to play a 3 ball in 3 hours 30 minutes

No connection with Warbuton Bakeries apart from being a thick cut (check spelling)

Has developed unique curling vocabulary.

Division 1/3/5 winner

Essential member if serious about winning any bonspiel.

Current position:- Married to Ilona Warburton therefore likes jogging, both horizontal and vertical

Royal Past President - Neil Hampton

Current Position:- Director of Hampton & Hampton Fireworks (2007) Ltd.

Part Time General Manager Royal Dornoch Golf Club

Motto:- There's nothing wrong with a bit of rough

Age:- Scratch or better

Golfing Preference - likes a stiff shaft

Position When President:- What The Members Want Is Irrelevant; All Hail The President

Curling Achievements:- Inverness Province Division 3 and 4 Winner with Loch Ness

Apparently Scottish Champion in 2000

Ilona Warburton (Mrs)

Age:- Too scared to ask

Position:- Professional Tosser (i.e. lead)

Previous roles:- once auditioned for the Sugababes. Lost out to Heidi (the cute blond one)

Distinguishing Features:- Has acquire an old pair of Bally's (Loch Ness rules - black laces)

Profession:- QS (European Information Manager at Highland Opportunity Ltd. i.e. Quango Sponger)

Secured promotion from Division 3 in first season

Current position:- Married to Gary Warburton therefore likes jogging, both horizontal and vertical

Mike Charters

Position:- Past President

Additional Roles:- Loch Ness Legal Advisor on a 'No Fee Who Gives a Toss' basis

To paraphrase Norman Mailer speaking of the election of John F Kennedy:-

“it was incredible to think of him as President, and yet marvellous

as if only a marvellous Club would finally dare to have him”

The holder of the most "to be actioned" item in the Loch Ness minutes viz. Review of Club Constitution - Action by:- M Charters

Also a member of Highland CC....... likes to play with his stones outdoors

Allied Richard Smith

Current Position - Abusing Club Hospitality at Caley Thistle games (i.e. Director)

Record - Has Won Inverness Province Division 3/4/5

Curling Achievements:- once organised his team more than 24 hours before a fixture

Distinguishing Features:- the areola of his nipples are proportional to curling rings

A Club stalwart who has been key in ensuring Loch Ness exists today.

Has put regular silverware on the table.

Is rumoured to watch porn and DIY in a similar way - would like to give it a go

but doesn't have the equipment.....

Callum Rennie

Position:- Car Park Attendant (i.e. smoker)

Additional Roles:- Loch Ness Health and Safety Officer

Current Location:- trying to avoid contracting Ebola in Angola

Curling Achievements:- Holder of longest period between winning Province Division 1 - 28 years

Distinguishing Features:- Nicorete patches to get him through a two hour session

Curling Speciality:- Trying to keep play to seven ends with an early finish for minimal fag intervals

Gordon Kennedy

Position:- on injury list due to RSI hand injuries having forgotten to change at 99

2007-09 Impregnation Record - Impressive

2010-onwards Impregnation Odds - All bets are off

Tactics:- Sometimes right; sometimes wrong; always certain

Curling Achievements:- Record holder for name checks in "Scottish Curler".

Record holder for the use of the "what hogline?" excuse in a single season.

Can fit horizontally in the back of a family hatchback.

Ian Hay

Current Position:- Emptying Bins Faskally Caravan Park

Age:- On the basis you are young as you feel - 31

Specialities:- Operating mouth before brain

Curling Achievements:-

Numerous both on and off the ice (Rule 4 applies)

Once managed to not call immediately for line on a Gallacher delivery.

Won something in Perth with Gordon Muirhead in Nineteen Oatcake

Won Inverness Province on Five Occasions

Had his own Inverness Super League rink despite never skipping, never arranging the

team and never responding to any e-mail or official correspondence.

Trying to move to Mars where he will be 60% lighter.

Refuses to donate clothes for starving children on the basis they won't fit.

Clarification

Mr Hay has confirmed that his current "squeeze" is not half his age.

She is 25 and therefore 55.56% of his age.

2009/10 Update - She is 26 and therefore 56.52% of his age.

2010/11 Update - She is 27 and therefore 57.45% of his age.

2011/12 Update - She is 28 and therefore 58.33% of his age.

2012/13 Update - She is 29 and therefore 59.18% of his age.

2013/14 Update - She is 30 and therefore 60.00% of his age.

2014/15 Update - She is 31 and therefore 60.78% of his age.

2015/16 Update - She is 32 and therefore 61.54% of his age.

2016/17 Update - She is 33 and therefore 62.26% of his age.

Gary McAra

Current Position:- Fertile

Handicap:- Left handed

Distinguishing Features:- looks like Peggy from Eastenders long lost anorexic son

Supports Aberdeen and favours the kilt (so the sheep don't hear a zip)

Curling Achievements:- No bonspiel is safe (once he has checked the draw!!!)

Province Division 3/4/5 Champion

Province KO Winner

Claims to be psychic on the ice. Or psycho. You decide.

Apologies for any confusion.