Ram incident

Ram Incident

I was pulling up nettles in the garden with my bare hands. It was at this tranquil moment that a visitor called. She explained that mutual friends had left her in charge of their farm and that a ram had encountered difficulties. I crossed the fields to where a bulky white mass was gyrating at the base of an electricity pole.

The pole was held in place by a steel cable which had a stout forked metal fixing with a hole in it. The hole was of a convenient diameter for the insertion of a ram’s horn and indeed the ram in front of us had availed itself of this opportunity. It had gone further than would have seemed strictly necessary by cork screwing its large spiral horn deep into the orifice. We reasoned out an approach which we thought might release the ram from its predicament.

Our plan was to use our combined strength to raise the rear end of the ram and by progressive rotations of the animal unscrew it from the pole. The first puzzle was where to grip it. We discovered two convenient orbs beneath that might have allowed us to gain a purchase. The fact is, though, that the animal seemed to resent any such attempt. It arched its back and stared malevolently with its one visible eye while flexing its nostrils in a most remarkable way. It seemed that this grip was neither practical nor welcome and we cast about in our minds for an alternative.

The beast clearly cared little for personal hygiene. Its posterior regions were encrusted with a dark semi-liquid material. The prospect was not attractive, but there was no viable alternative and we grasped the soiled fleece and heaved. We managed to achieve a commendable body angle but it became clear that even our combined strength was not up to unscrewing the ram. It has to be said that in spite of our good intentions, the ram seemed both uncooperative and unappreciative.

I fetched a hacksaw to remove the horn. Balance was needed. Cut off too little of the horn and the ram would remain trapped. Cut off too much and I might be involved in ovine brain surgery. My previous interactions with rams have been few and I wasn’t sure if horns are packed with pain receptors however the ram seemed to be less concerned than it had been when we were experimenting with various grips on its person.

The horn dropped off and a little blood emerged. The ram realized its changed situation and sped off into the field. Unfortunately another local farmer felt that we must return the next day and apply anti-fly ointment.

The ram was easily identified amongst the other rams by virtue of its asymmetry. After a spirited chase the correct ram was cornered. I rugby tackled it in the only nettle patch in the field and in doing so disturbed a Peacock butterfly which disappeared into the azure sky.